By Lanesha Townsend

You probably already know that one of the key aspects of any healthy relationship, and even just general happiness, is a fulfilling sex life. But, with work, children, and all the daily obligations that demand so much of our attention, that’s easier said than done, right?

Though there will always be mojo challenges, the below seven steps will help you bring sexy back into your life (and keep it there):

1. Stay healthy, fit and vibrant. It not only makes us outwardly attractive and alluring to others, but helps us feel sexy, desirable and confidant as well. That confidence creates sexual energy, a seductive charisma guaranteed to awaken and maintain a partner’s sexual interest.

Naturally, the most obvious way to stay healthy and fit is to take care of yourself, use alcohol moderately, control your blood pressure and weight, eat a well-balanced diet, get regular exercise and adequate rest. And remember, regular check-up visits to your physician must be an essential part of your sexual fitness program.

Also, couples who work to stay healthy together enjoy the added benefit of building emotional closeness (a must for the bedroom) while sharing a sport or fitness activity. Taking brisk walks together, for instance, gives couples an opportunity to talk, to share ideas and feelings, and to relax their nervous systems while enjoying a healthy workout.

2. Think young, fun and yes, sexy. When you watch someone who is enthusiastic, youthful, jovial and having a good time, do you even notice how old that person is? Probably not. Most likely you just want to get to know that person and be part of the high spirits. And when you keep your attitude and behavior youthful and playful, you’ll be the person others are attracted to and want to know.

Regardless of age, an adult’s personal approach to sex is supposed to be similarly positive, titillating, erotic and creative. Whether you’re 25 or 50, feel and be sexual without guilt! Loosen up and be inventive! Go ahead and have let yourself have fun!

3. Plan on having good sex. Good sex also requires good timing. Are you a morning person? A night owl? What about your partner? The best time to make love is when you and your partner are the most responsive (as men mature, that time is usually in the morning, but many women enjoy sex more in the evening). So, good sex also requires some planning.

As often as possible, clear everybody out of the house so you and your partner can be as uninhibited as you want to be. Get rid of the kids for a while, send the grandkids home to their parents (for a change!). Once alone, take time to enjoy yourselves. Turn off the TV. Turn down the lights (or turn them all on). Why not light candles? Add music. Share the tub or shower. Play an erotic and seductive board game. Watch a romantic or sexy video. Give each other relaxing, sensual massages. Have you ever used whipped cream in the bedroom? Or peanut butter? You can’t imagine the fun you can have with ice cubes! Take off all your clothes. Or put on costumes! Make love in the kitchen. Or on a blanket in the backyard under your favorite tree at midnight. Then do it again at high noon! Let your imagination and your sense of sexual adventure lead you and your partner into a glorious world of new sensations, and favorite joys. When you run out of ideas, there are plenty of books and videos on the market to help you discover new ones. Sex will never be boring again. And neither will your life. All it takes is a little creativity, time and planning. So start!

4. The cardinal rule: Just do it. And do it. And do it! Masters and Johnson, those famous sex researchers, claimed that continuing to have sex was the “cardinal rule for preserving sexual vigor beyond middle age.” Post-menopausal women who are sexually active have less shrinkage of the vagina and higher levels of naturally produced sex hormones than sexually inactive women. Men who are sexually active as they pass through middle age and beyond maintain higher blood testosterone levels than those who stop having sex. The bottom line? If you keep on doing it, you’ll continue to be able to keep on doing it! In other words, use it or lose it! It’s really that simple.

5. Send sex messages in as many ways as you can. The key to the best relationship (sexual and otherwise) is honest communication. If you don’t talk about your sex life and feelings with each other, then how can you get your message across and let your desires be known? Sex therapists encourage open, caring communication, as well as an affectionate relationship, as some of the most important keys to enhancing sexual happiness. Achieving a closer, more loving relationship with your partner is a crucial component of your sexual fitness program, as it’s difficult for sexual harmony to co-exist with marital distance and conflict, submerged resentment, basic incompatibility or lack of positive feelings toward one another.

Any barriers to communication must be addressed because they increasingly inhibit sexual feelings as we grow older. If poor communication is a problem in a relationship, a couple should seek the help of a therapist to develop deeper levels of intimacy, love and understanding, and greater shared physical enjoyment. The reward can be a richer, fuller, more exciting life.

Remember, too, that we also send sexy messages in very simple, ordinary, even nonverbal, ways, including being relaxed and interested in each other; not drinking too much alcohol; paying special attention to body and oral hygiene; and learning new ways to touch and please one another.

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By Denise J. Charles

When a guy that I know posed this idea some time back to a group of us (woman in head differing from woman in bed) , I thought it particularly uncanny. As a man and a husband, he actually admitted that this was a specific problem for several men. It broached a little discussion about one of the anomalies of relationships. Very often we develop an ideal about the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with and very often our real-life partner never even begins to make the grade. We girls often have this fairy-tale expectations of the tall, dashing Prince who will sweep us off our feet, support our independence, hand over the money (never mind we earn our own) be a tiger in the bedroom, meet all of our emotional needs, be a great kisser, listener, gourmet Chef and several other things all rolled into one.

By the same token, a guy wants the girl who is low-maintenance but sexy to the nines, educated, confident, nurturing (as in great mother material) , uninhibited in bed but wholesome enough to meet his mother, not needy or clingy or a nag and don’t forget with loads of fragrant hair ( many of the females I know actually will not significantly shorten their hair because of this perception that guys love long hair, hmmm). That being said, the truth is that this conflict between reality and the ideal, is a problem for both sexes.

We often have an idealistic expectation of our future partner which may have its genesis somewhere in our childhood. Maybe if we had a good relationship with our Mom or Dad, we expect our partner to be just like them. The opposite is also true; a horrible father will make many a girl long for a guy who is the exact opposite. In the relationship department, we could also be suffering from “first-love-syndrome”: a condition where we compare every relationship to our first. But this article will not focus on us girls this time around. What happens when our guy has a woman fixed in his head who bears little resemblance to who we really are? Can a guy be cured of this problem and can a relationship survive? More importantly what happens when the woman in head versus woman in bed problem hits home in the bedroom?

If I had to ask all the men I know if they were really sexually happy or fulfilled with their intimate relationships I don’t know how many of them would be honest. Even if they were candid enough to admit being unhappy I am not sure that they would connect this unhappiness to their own unrealistic expectations. The truth is that continuing to live with an “ideal” in the head, can lead to all sorts of complications in the figurative and literal bed of a relationship.When this idea of the ideal partner is extended to the sex life then it begins to take on a whole new dynamic.

Let’s face it girls, where guys are concerned, sex is right up there with breathing and oxygen. Somehow their testosterone has not only convinced them that they can’t live without sex but they usually believe that they need lots of it and in great variety! What happens then to a guy’s sexual psyche when he makes a decision to keep all of his sexual eggs in one basket as it were. I’ll tell you what. He develops a long list of expectations which he believes must be fulfilled in order that he might be truly sexually happy. After all, as far as he is concerned, since he’s giving up his philandering ways (or at least purporting to) he might as well benefit in the process.

While his personality or the nature of his relationship may preclude him sharing some of these expectations with his spouse, they are likely to remain deeply embedded in his heart because he sees them as an essential part of his sexual entitlement.

Some of the primary expectations of males include:

• an on-par sex drive or at least a willingness to provide sex on demand
• sexual confidence and freedom from inhibition
• a willingness to initiate sex and try new things
• an ability to forgive and forget his sexual indiscretions (as in his cheating if he does)
• a willingness to praise his sexual prowess while assuring him that he’s really packing it
• a sexy body capable of basic gymnastic contortions
• fearlessness when it comes to talking sexy

These are not exhaustive by any means and may vary depending on the personality, religious persuasion, experience or socialization of the male. At any rate, I think we can safely say that many men have a wonderful “sex ideal” somewhat like this in their heads. The sad thing is that a man when sexually unfulfilled, can, through fantasy, substitute his spouse for an unrealistic ideal and the unsuspecting wife may not have a clue! So what’s a woman to do? While there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to please one’s partner sexually, a relationship is about growth and development in all areas, including the bedroom. It can also become a little sticky when one member of the couple -mainly the male- is setting all the rules.

It is however not only important for a couple to grow together sexually but there must be a delicate balance between compromising to please and being allowed to be one’s self. No man should force us to swing from the chandeliers in some Tarzan suit if we’re afraid of heights, simply because he likes jungle themes. At the same time as women, we can learn to preserve an element of surprise in the relationship by initiating something out of the ordinary.

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By Lisa Schrader

Ahhh…the joys of committed relationship: someone to snuggle with at night, communication that doesn’t require words, a body that you know so well, freedom from those awkward “safe sex” talks and the stress of dating.

How do we enjoy all those goodies while keeping the passion and spark that brought us together in the first place? Why does it seem harder to ignite the fire the longer we’ve been together?

One of the things that makes sex so “YES!” with a new partner is that we don’t know them and don’t know ourselves with them. We are open to the field of all possibilities. We are more present, awake, in appreciation and wonder. And that’s very enlivening, exciting and sexy.

We kill that off when we develop a “fixed” way of being. It’s as though we put ourselves and our partner in boxes and tape them up tight with big labels that read: “Doesn’t like morning sex; Uncomfortable with dirty talk; Takes forever; Comes too quickly.”

Then we gather evidence to support the story as “true” which is easy because we always get more of what we focused on. Every time. Then our ego gets attached to being “right” even when none of this insanity supports our deeper heart desire to be passionately connected to our Beloved.

Although we do have legitimate preferences and boundaries, much of what we believe sabotages rather than supports ecstasy. The freedom to “reinvent” ourselves is one of the reasons that a new partner seems so enticing. The good news is that identifying and rewriting your story can create expansion inside the beautiful relationship you already have.