Fresh from the hoosegow, a virile young ex-con returns home with newfound sexual habits that threaten his relationships and the health of the women he loves.
What happens when your husband/boyfriend is incarcerated for an extended period of time? Does he become “priestly”? Or does he adapt to his surroundings? Filmmaker, Rod Gailes OBC, addresses these questions and more in a provocative, jaw-dropping 12-minute short.
By Tess Marshall
The biggest reason we don’t quit doing something we wish we could is fear! If you think you’re addicted to porn and have failed to take action it’s probably because you are afraid.
It’s healthy to admit that you are afraid, worried or anxious. To do so requires strength. If you need support, talk to someone you can trust. When you express your worries and anxieties, they lose their power.
We are all afraid of something. You aren’t alone! We are afraid of changing and afraid of what will happen if we don’t change. We are afraid we will hurt someone or someone will hurt us. We are afraid of losing control and of being too controlling. We fear bad things will happen and good things won’t. We are afraid of who we are and who we could be. These are universal fears. Everyone has them.
If you’re addicted to porn you probably also fear attending 12-Step groups and talking in front of others. If you’re a porn addict you may fear having to talk to a therapist, minister or your partner about your addiction.
One of the biggest fears a porn addict has is getting close to others! It’s easy to sit in front of a computer and meet your sexual needs but a relationship means expressing feelings, becoming vulnerable and getting close. There is no where to hide in real face-to-face relationships.
There is never a perfect time to kick porn. You will never get rid of fear. You have two choices. You can continue to obsess about kicking porn allowing your fear to stop you or you can take action and starve your fear with prayer, trust and courage.
Infinite Possibilities
Think of your future filled with infinite possibilities! Doesn’t that sound better than a future filled with more porn, shame and guilt?
When you consider yourself and your life, don’t think about what you are not, thing about what you are. You’re not your past. You are unlimited potential waiting to happen.
Your future is in your hands. You are important and you are worthy. You deserve real relationships, with real people…connection, love, fun, companionship and everything else you can imagine. What if you spent the time you put into porn into the people around you and the people you could be with. How would your life change?
One of the rewards of kicking porn is having the time to pursue your goals. When you’re no longer thinking about your next “fix” you have the opportunity to get ahead in life by pursuing your dreams. Your time, talents and money will no longer be wasted. You will have time and energy to enjoy hobbies, friendships and family.
You are 100% responsible for your life. Wherever you are today is because of the choices you’ve made in the past. The good news is once you have the opportunity to change your future by making better choices today!The following are choices for fearless living.
1. Imagine what your life would look like without porn. What would you do with your time? Who would you spend it with and what would you be doing. How would your life change? What would it look like?
2. Expect to do it. Get rid of doubts. What you expect you get. If you expect to succeed you will. If you expect to fail you will. Remind yourself you deserve a good life. You deserve real loving relationships and everything that goes with them.
3. Let go of your fear. Fear is negative thinking. It spreads like a deadly virus. Negative thinking and thoughts of your next porn fix block your miracle. Have hope and replace fear and thoughts of using pornography with positive memories about your friends, good times or music.
4. Become open to the new life ahead of you. We often think we need to know exactly what our future will look like. That’s controlling and impossible. When you make a decision to quit others will be put on your path in life to help you move forward! It will seem magical.
5. Imagine the new you. Do you want more enthusiasm, self-confidence and less guilt and shame? Then see yourself that way. Fake it until you make it. You deserve the best in spite of your past.
6. Don’t talk about doubts, fears or limits to others. Only talk about your desire, strength and commitment. What you focus on expands. Talk about your success.
8. Pray. It works. Pray for yourself. Pray for others. Pray for your enemies. Pray for the porn industry, pornographers and porn stars. Feel compassion and love for yourself and others.
9. Don’t expect perfection. If you mess up get back on the right track immediately.
Relapsing is part of the process. Refuse to condemn yourself. Don’t use it as an excuse to quit. No one is perfect.
Tess Marshall,a kick porn expert has a master’s degree in counseling psychology and a specialty in addiction. For more information you can reach her at www.Kickporn.com,www.Kickporn.com/discussion or you can email her at TessMarshall@TessMarshall.com.
By Dr. Joe Kort
While some people are inappropriately labeled “sex addicts” — providing a blanket excuse for all kinds of irresponsible sexual behavior — others truly suffer from uncontrollable sexual impulses, or sex addiction. The main symptoms of sex addiction include a loss of control, failed attempts to stop unwanted sexual behavior, and a pattern of negative consequences from anxiety to depression and legal problems.
Here are some facts about sex addiction you may not know:
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By Zach S.
Hell yes! Believe it or not, the woman is in control and it is she who dictates the energy. It’s unbelievable, but it is true! Understanding this fact and learning how to use it to your advantage can dramatically improve your sex life and your partner’s sexual enjoyment. A woman can make a man feel like King Kong or ding dong depending on what she says to him in bed. Why do you think men go to strip clubs? Strippers have perfected the art of telling men what they want to hear.
Why Men Love It
Ladies, you have to remember that we are men and we have a competitive nature. A woman talking shit to us in bed is like a dude talking shit to us on the basketball court or football field. It’s like one guy saying to another guy, “You’re not good enough.” What is a man’s natural reaction? To intensify our effort. Competitors know that this is when the game gets really good—when the shit talking starts. We love it!
$H!T Talking 101
The man wants to own the woman and most men think that to own you they must conquer the pus@y. (The wise man knows that you never conquer the pus@y; you only conquer the mind). This is how you make him feel: like he is the man. By what you say, you give him confidence that he is accomplishing his goal to conquer and please you. He is your musician and you are the orchestra conductor.
Your words encourage him to rise to your expectations. To drive his passion and arouse his aggression, use names and phrases like Big Daddy, Poppy, and “give it to me.” Whisper and breathe heavily into his ear saying, “Big Daddy,” and watch how such a simple move can motivate and incite him.
A woman talking shit to us in the bed is like music to our ears. We’re saying to ourselves “How dare you…really, really? Hell no…” I know she is not talking shit to me but we love to hear it. It is the best insult you can give a guy.
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By Jenna Stevenson
Many men and woman complain that they don’t have a great sex life and they are resentful toward their spouse or their partner for this. What we need to learn is; whether we are the real reason behind this resentment and whether our resentfulness is misplaced?
While our sexual experiences are often influenced by the people we have sex with, we are the ones that need to define what we want from our sex lives, and then seek that out. When we can embrace our sexuality and tell the people that we are physical with what we want, only then can we experience what we fantasize about. For instance, if you have many fantasies that play over and over again in your mind but you do not tell your spouse about them, why are you resentful towards them?
If you know what you want sexually you need to embrace that and learn how to tell the person you are having sex with what you want! While most couples are close, unfortunately, for the most part, partners cannot become mind readers. No amount of subtle hints are a substitute for a verbal instruction. Only when you realize that communication is paramount within a relationship, including the bedroom, will you embrace the full potential of it and thus stop misplacing that resentment.
If you feel uncomfortable talking about what you want from your sex life, try to show your partner. Experts often say that acting out what you want done to you in a sexual sense is the best way to let your partner know what you want. If you don’t think that will work or you aren’t quite that brave, don’t be afraid to write it down! Why not send a racy email or even pin a letter on the pillow of your partner to let them know what you want but are too shy to ask for! Not only will this add an element of fun and excitement to your sex life because you are asking for new and different things, your fantasies might very well be fulfilled.
By sharing what you want you may be able to try the things that you have always wanted to try, in addition to other things that may come along as you experiment. Fulfilling your fantasies will undoubtedly lead to more new and interesting things for you to try, as well as a new closeness between you and your partner.
VIDEO: I have been married for three years. My husband and I mesh on so many levels. He is hard working, sober, a great friend, and provider. Before I begin, I will admit that there was a lot of self discovery that should have taken place on my behalf prior to marrying. But I have been working with mentors, PUSHING, and making great strides in terms of becoming the whole woman my creator intended me to be.
However I am starved for intimacy, affection, and social interaction with my spouse. He is a workaholic who enjoys making money so that we can enjoy every amenity (good food, entertainment, etc) from the comfort (in my mind confines) of our home. I want to go see a movie, he wants to watch it at home in our theater and whines that he’s tired from working 70 hour weeks. He set very aggressive financial goals (to which I contribute) and feels like once we reach these goals (10 year plan) we can start to enjoy life. The problem is that when I jump on board with a particular goal, he raises the bar and I am starting to think that his obsession with material gain is a diversion and a distraction from what’s in front of him.
But where does that leave us now? I don’t ask for much. I am fully capable of hanging out with friends, or going out to eat/see a movie alone. But sometimes I want to go out and have a nice meal with my husband and he says we can make the meal at home and relax. If I express a sexual desire or need for emotional or physical intimacy, he often tells me he’s tired or not feeling well. He works hard, he comes home. He is satisfied and often doesn’t know there’s a problem until I blow up. We have mentors who I feel could work with us and have been a great deal of help previously but he doesn’t make time for them either.
I spent my 20’s preparing for marriage and putting certain experiences and sexual adventure on hold until I found the one worthy of sharing with. He got married to settle down, I got married to have someone enjoy the adventure of life with. When I tell him how I feel he says I am being selfish, or will try for a week and revert back to his old ways.
I am beginning to feel like a robot who offers intimacy when he needs it. Bottom line is I didn’t get married to be single and am tired of going places alone, being available for his needs and not having mine met…I am tired of begging for what I need. My mind is wondering and I am increasingly picturing a life without him. I can no longer be vulnerable to him because I have been rejected one too many times. Is there hope for us? Please help!
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By Amber Madison
It’s something every girl has wondered: am I good in bed? Sure, like kissing, much of it may have to do with compatibility—what might be hot for one guy could be just plain freaky to the next. But no matter what your guy’s preferences are, here are the 7 signs to know that you’re rocking his socks off:
1. He clenches his hands and feet. A physical sign that a guy is in complete ecstasy is if he’s clenching his hands and feet. When you see your guy doing this, take it as a sign he’s holding on for dear life, making sure that the encounter doesn’t end prematurely. After all, what you’re doing to him at the time might be just a little too good.
2. He wants to do it again right away. When you’ve really blown his mind, he won’t be able to get enough. Just thinking about the sex you had will be so arousing that he’ll want to do it again. So, if he seems particularly virile, pat yourself on the back sister…you’re doing something right.
3. He remains really flirty afterwards. Another sign that he can’t stop thinking about the sex you’ve had is if he stays heavily flirty afterwards. Many guys say that after an amazing time, they’ll send multiple saucy texts to their girl to show her how into her they are. And with the extra flirting, they’re building up anticipation for next time.
4. He’s very touchy feeling through out the day. A guy who is into you will probably be touch feely (unless he’s really shy or completely opposed to PDA of course). A sign you’re having great sex is if he becomes even more touchy feely. Quite literally, he’s so aroused, he’s having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. While flirty texts may be his verbal reminder of how much he wants you, his constant touches are his physical reminder.
By Meredith Cohn
African American women in six U.S. cities are becoming infected with HIV at a rate five times the national average for black women, and closer to the rates of some African countries, according to a new study.
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University and around the country who made the findings suspected the rates were relatively high in these “hot spots” that have battled the epidemic for decades, but the numbers still came as a surprise in a field that tends to focus more on black and gay men.
The researchers found that in Baltimore; Atlanta; Newark, N.J.; New York City; Raleigh-Durham, N.C.; and Washington, the annual rate of infection was 24 per 10,000 black women. Nationally, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that black women become infected at a rate of 5 per 10,000.
The rate in Congo is 28 per 10,000.
The study was conducted with funding from the National Institutes of Health by researchers who are part of a national consortium called the HIV Prevention Trials Network. The data were presented March 8 at the 19th annual Conference on Retroviruses and Opportunistic Infections in Seattle.
Baltimore declared HIV a public health emergency in 2002, but the numbers of infected people continue to rise, particularly among at-risk groups, including IV drug users and gay and bisexual men.
Dr. Patrick Chaulk, assistant commissioner for HIV and STDservices in the Baltimore Health Department, said a large share of the city’s resources to combat HIV go to men because they make up two-thirds of new cases in the city. Nationally it’s about three-quarters, according to the CDC.
But the city and partners at the state and in academic and nonprofit circles haven’t forgotten the women, Chaulk said. He cited programs aimed at drug users and sex workers, among others.
Every week, one city project sends a van with health workers to the Block, Baltimore’s red-light district. The workers have built trust among the people there, and not only test for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases but also offer reproductive health services, needle exchanges and assistance in securing health insurance and housing.
Through the program, the city reported testing 4,660 women last year for HIV, including 3,362 African American women. About seven were found to be positive for infection and referred for treatment.
The new study underscores the urgency in addressing the problem, said Dr. William A. Blattner, chairman of the City’s Commission on HIV/AIDS Prevention and Treatment, which developed the Baltimore plan to reduce infections.
About the black women in particular, he said, “HIV continues to impact our most vulnerable and marginalized, in particular economically disadvantaged women whose risk is compounded by gender inequality and potential barriers to substance-abuse interventions.”
Reaching those women won’t be easy, said Patrice Henry, a patient advocate at Johns Hopkins who was diagnosed with HIV in 1995.
Many women put off being tested because of the stigma still associated with HIV and AIDS, Henry said. They fear telling family and partners. Many don’t have insurance.
“Women also tend not to put their medical concerns first,” she said. “They either think this won’t happen to them or they still find it a sensitive issue to discuss.”
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By Bonnie Gabriel
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the phrase “erotic talk”? Well, if you said, “talking dirty”, your answer is the one I most often receive whenever I pose that question. In fact, in a survey I conducted of 300 men and women, that was precisely the most popular response. Yet, as I explain in my book The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, explicit sex talk is just one aspect of the powerful role that words can play in our sex lives.
I’m not saying that racy, bawdy words aren’t the perfect way to communicate your enjoyment, especially when you’re in the height of passion. But having the courage and skill to give voice to the more subtle, gentle, and even vulnerable aspects of your lovemaking can do wonders to enhance the experience. Whether you’re feeling tender or playful, shy or lusty, giving voice to such feelings can open you and your partner to new sensual delights. Even the way you ask your partner for guidance in how he or she likes to be touched, or how you let your lover know the most effective ways of arousing you can intensify the flow of sensual energy between both of you.
In fact, when doing the research for my book, I came up with 10 different categories of erotic talk. I later published them with over 250 specific examples in my e-manual Your Daily Verbal Aphrodisiac: Sensual Suggestions and Romantic Enticements. Here are several of those categories with one or two phrases for each. But remember; These are simply examples, not necessarily meant to copy, but rather, to stir your imagination into finding those words that most accurately reflect what’s in your heart.
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Bonnie is a Counselor/Therapist, Dating Coach, Hypnotherapist, Psychologist, Relationship Coach, Sex Educator, Speaker/Presenter. You can read more of her work on www.lovetalk.org
VIDEO: Marriage & Strip Clubs. Do they mix? Many couples feel that including this into their marriage has enhanced their relationship. They speak of the experience (going alone or together) as having allowed them to explore and share sexual fantasies with each other, be vulnerable with each other in ways that they otherwise might not, and increase the physical and emotional intimacy between them. In the same token many couples feel that strip clubs take away from their relationship, increase the likelihood of lying and deceit in the relationship, encourage behavior that is not focused on building the love that they share with each other, and are generally just a bad idea. Well, opinions are like belly buttons…everybody has one. So, what we’d like to remind everyone is that it’s easy to focus on an activity and give it power that it DOES NOT have. For example, saying strip clubs make sex exciting or strip clubs encourage lying really isn’t the truth (…how many of us have done the same exact activity with two different people and had two totally different experiences? One’s a thrill! The other a bore. One is oh so honest. The other has a very hard time keeping it real.)—-no, it comes down to how the two people in the relationship are connected and how they communicate and genuinely look to each other to be transparent about their feelings and expectations. You and your spouse are the two people who give a definition of desire or disease to strip clubs. It’s you and your spouse who ultimately have the power to be vulnerable and “see through” in your communication. It comes down to the meaning that you and your spouse assign to strip clubs. It comes down to how you choose to utilize or not utilize strip clubs in your relationship…it comes down to the foundation the two of you have. Is your bond built on trust & confidence or on mistrust and doubt?
Here, we answer a viewer who says her husband goes to strip clubs and she has no problem with it. However, she recently wanted to go out to a strip club with some girlfriends…and he wasn’t feeling it. Double standard? Maybe. Maybe not. How should this be handled? Listen in to hear our opinion. As always feel free to leave a comment or submit a video response. We always love to hear what you think.
