Foreplay Begins Outside The Bedroom

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Eric Kuhl

Letting your wife know that you cherish and care about her outside the bedroom can work wonders as far as breathing new life into your marriage goes. In the simplest of terms (though not always true), a man knows he’s loved through sex, and a woman has sex because she knows she’s loved.

Sex may not make the world go ‘round, but it can certainly play a part in sustaining a marriage. Although a man’s greatest need is arguably sex, a woman’s #1 need is drastically different. This article will give you several clues of what you could do to turn her on outside the bedroom, and relay to your wife that not only do you love her, but care for her deeply.

For starters, how about giving communication a try? The simplest and most straight forward thing you could do to turn her on outside the bedroom is to tell your wife that you love or cherish her. This is the first simple thing you could do that – believe it or not – could end up turning her on OUTSIDE the bedroom.

Remember before you were dating, you used to actually go out on dates and do things together? Even if the kids are a challenge, set aside a weekly or at least monthly date night for just the two of you. Line up a sitter ahead of time. Make these nights truly special by going out to eat, seeing movies you both like, attending the symphony or even extending date nights into the occasional short weekend away. If you feel you’ve grown distant over the years, take the time to get to know her all over again, just like you did when you first got together.

Experiment with washing dishes, cleaning up the kitchen, doing a load of laundry or two, and if you’re brave, prepare a meal for the family. Yeah, I realize that you pitch in and mow the lawn and do the fixing around the house.

But, since you both work, why not try helping out around the house a little bit from time to time, besides your normal Mr. fix it or lawn-mowing duties? This could be an especially significant gesture if she comes home from work exhausted or has had a really rough day all around. I’m not saying that you need to do double duty by doing all the household chores all the time. But, when you notice she’s a bit behind, stop what you’re doing, pitch in, and come alongside her. After all, you’re in it together. Why not show it with your actions?

Ok, by now, you’re on a roll. You’ve done a few things to help out around the house, but I’d encourage you to do more in order to win her heart back. Here’s your opportunity to really meet her needs, which may very well turn out in your best interest, as it could lead to a lot more than just pillow talk. Say your wife is just wiped out from work. Think back massage.

Before you get all excited, though, remember, you’re doing it for her, which doesn’t mean it will (necessarily) lead to a full body massage for both of you. Tender touch in a caring, romantic but non-sexual way, helping to ease her physical tension in her back, temples or wherever she directs you is the order of the day. Remember to keep your hands above her waist, unless she specifies otherwise.

In case you haven’t heard, sex begins in the kitchen. In other words, your number 1 need as a man – sex – will more times than not be met by your wife when you make meeting her needs your priority. How can you turn her on OUTSIDE the bedroom? Try this: let her know that you cherish her in both words and deeds; help out around the house (like doing dishes or cooking a meal); and touch her romantically but not sexually from time to time.

On Menopause And Sexuality

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By Marie C. Barrett

Menopause heralds the start of a fabulous time in your life. It does not mean the end of your love life. By no means! Here we are talking about having great sex during and after menopause. It is not only perfectly wonderful to be sexy, flirty and erotic in your 50s and 60s, but you deserve to feel as emotionally and physically fulfilled as ever, in fact, more than ever before! Menopause is a transition into freedom from the monthly dirge, and any adverse symptoms can be handled quite well.

Our sexual appetites are not lost as we age; it is the image of ourselves as sexual sirens that changes for many women. It depends greatly on a woman’s upbringing, on what kind of programming she has been given since her early days. But whatever that may have been, now is the time to rediscover her power to be, do and experience the full flowering of her sexuality with wisdom and maturity.

The sexual/cultural revolution of the 1960s led to a change in attitudes towards sex, spirituality, feminism and many other aspects of self discovery. These same radicals, women and men, of the 1960s are now the boomers of today, still reshaping traditional ideas and attitudes to sex as they age. They are once more on the forefront of a sexual revolution that is pushing aside the boundaries of what is acceptable. In doing so they are giving themselves space to enjoy a deeper sense of intimacy and communication with their partners, and a more embracing acceptance of themselves as attractive, wise and loving people.

While for some their sex drive slows down as they age, and that is quite normal, it in no way means the fun stops, not a chance. Take time to relax and enjoy the freedom of sex without contraception, or simply use this time to become more intimate with your partner at other levels of closeness and insight.

They say a man needs sex first to make love meaningful and a woman needs love first to make sex meaningful. We need to find a sweet meeting place of understanding between the two to make our love-making mutually satisfying and joyous, regardless of age.

Sadly, many women passing through the menopause years and beyond continue to operate from the same set of memories, thoughts and feelings that have run their entire sexual lives. Their sexuality is kept separate from other aspects of their life and they cannot give themselves permission to express their sexuality freely and with expansive joy.

It is time to let go of this kind of outdated programming. Everyone has pre programming about sex, such as sex is for reproduction only; while sex may be for pleasure, do not have too much fun; sex is a sin, a need, a duty; you cannot have love without sex; a good wife always submits to her man, his needs are more important than hers, and the repressive list may go on. Why have we bundled sex within all these limiting beliefs?

The sexuality they talk about in their 50s and beyond, is the same sexuality of their youth and adult years, a sexuality informed by old thoughts and attitudes they have not cleared and brought to consciousness and feelings they have not integrated. If this is the case with you, it is time to have a deep re-think about the role of sex in your life, and the implications of your sexuality for every aspect of who you believe yourself to be. It is time to break out of the box of your self-imposed limitations and enjoy your sexuality with love.

Marie C. Barrett writes extensively on health and wealth issues. If you would like more information on menopause, especially how to cope with its symptoms

Public Sex Is Way More Popular Than You Think

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By Ayize Ma’at

I won’t tell you where and I won’t tell you when, but what I will say is GUILTY AS CHARGED..LOL.  Yes we’re guilty and I know we aren’t the only ones because a recent survey (AdamEve.com) of 1,000 adults ages 18 and up found that 52% of adults admit to having sex in public.  For those of you who’ve got your nose turned up at the thought …..please relax a little.  Sometimes spontaneous sex is the best sex.

The top three locations for getting it on in public are parked cars, with 80%, the woods with 55%, and a park with 44%.  Also on the list are spots one would think would be more popular, like public bathrooms (22%), airplanes (7%), and guess what A CHURCH, with 5%. WOW…..the thought of someone having sex while the pastor is preaching his/her sermon is CRAYZEEEE.

BLAM Fam what are your thoughts?  Do you give a thumbs up or thumbs down to public sex?  Is it all good as long as there are no people around?  Is it just flat out trifling regardless of whether someone can see you or not?  Your thoughts?

It’s About More Than “Just Sex” To Your Husband

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By Kristin Alexander

In the marriage relationship, as in life, it should be obvious that men and women are very different in how they communicate. To rekindle a marriage, it is usually the woman who feels motivated and is willing to step out on a limb and shake things up. No need to complain about it, that’s just how it is.

We all know that a healthy marriage includes sex, and if your man has his way, that means lots of sex! If women really understood their men, they would see that although sex is very important to men physically, it is also important to them for other reasons as well. It is their main way of bonding with the person they love, both physically and emotionally, because verbal communication is so difficult for most men. So to fix relationship problems, sex is an important place to start. One thing to get very clear about is that when a man forms an intense trusting sexual bond with a woman he becomes emotionally dependent on her. Even though he won’t say it, this means the world to him. To use it against him out of anger or frustration can only severely damage your relationship.

I know what you’re thinking…”I do EVERYTHING! I take care of the kids, the house, the bills, the cooking and THEN he wants to have sex!” I get it. It’s overwhelming. But there is a way to change it and have your needs met as well, and it’s not as hard as you think…Just a shift in perception can change everything in a marriage…everything. Looking at your husband and his actions from a different perspective can show you things you may have never noticed. Nagging, crying, fighting doesn’t work, why not try something that absolutely does? Creating a happier marriage or possibly even saving it is worth it!

We somehow lost site of how different men and women really are by trying so hard to make everyone “equal”. Well, we are equal, but we also respond to everything differently and the real magic happens when we accept and respect that about each other. Yes, men are simple creatures but that doesn’t make them lesser, just different. This fact makes it an easy thing to restart your marriage. You just have to be willing!

Women who will put aside their hurt feelings and justifications about what is wrong with their men and instead seek to develop a strong bond with their husbands, by understanding how they think, will find they have happier more fulfilling marriages than they could have ever dreamed possible. Approval and understanding are magic when it comes to relationships! Don’t wait for him to do it! Take charge and he will become so emotionally connected to you that he will do everything and anything in his power to keep you happy. Because we all know “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”

Kristin Alexander is a wife, mother, writer and works in marketing. Visit http://www.rekindleamarriage.com to learn more about how to bring love and passion back to your marriage. “What Husbands Can’t Resist” is an innovative blueprint to creating a wonderfully happy marriage and partnership for both husband and wife.

7 Positions To Sleep In That Will Definitely Turn Your Man On

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By Ayize Ma’at

The other day my wife “went on me”.  For those of you who don’t know what that means…..she basically called me out.  Guess what she called me out on….my sex game.  Yup she told me I need to tighten up my sex game approach.  To quote her directly she said “you’ve lost your swagger in your old age”. Now before yall get to worrying, WE BOTH LAUGHED AFTER SHE SAID THAT.  You see, she’ll be the first to admit our “sex game” is on 1,000.  And I’ll be the first person to stamp it after she says it  lol.  BUT I have to admit that sometimes I don’t feel like wooing her, romancing her, or cuddling her.  Sometimes I just want to “hit”.  Swaggerless right…LOL.  It’s all good though…sometimes I get shot down…most of the time I get served up.  It usually happens based on some subtle body language my baby sends my way.  You see she has a certain way of positioning herself in bed that let’s me know whether it’s a red light, yellow light, or green light.  As a man you know I’m keenly aware of when she’s quietly suggesting that it’s all good to “go”.  As a young man I’m ALWAYS ready and I’m always thankful when I get the helpful hints of her body language.  Below are 7 positions to sleep in that will totally turn your man on from YourTango.com. Ladies use them…. Fellas…pay attention.  As always BLAM Fam let us know what you think.

1) All Those Bright Lights: In this position you are turned adjacent to him, creating the shape of a T laying on its side, and your head is on his belly. This allows him to rub your head, run his fingers through your hair and fantasize what would happen if your face dropped just a couple more inches south, towards an area of his body that he has coined, Vegas. And as they say, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

2) Pillow Fluffy: In this position, you lay on your back facing up and your man rests his head onto your chest. Men love this sleeping position and swear that your pair or natural pillows are far more comfortable than any tempur-pedic!

3) Twister Snore: Although not particularly easy to pull off, this position is when both you and your man lay interconnected. You and your man completely wrap yourselves around one another with legs and arms. This sleeping position is truly enjoyable because it adds a very intimate social aspect. You and your man get to bond face to face, literally, while cuddling the night through.

4) Forward Bear: In a reversal of positions Forward Bear switches the roles of the man and woman. This time it is the man that is fully cupped around the back of your body. This position is very steamy because in most cases, his car is parked right onto your driveway! This position is not only intimately enticing, but it also allows your man to have a sense of security knowing that he has you protected in his arms.

5) Backwards Bear: In this position you and your man sleep side-by-side, each curled up with each other in the fetal position. You have your man fully cupped around the back of his body. This position excites men because everything touches; your chest to his back, your legs to his legs and your arms wrapped around him. This also gives you the chance to hug him with all of your might…it tickles!

6) Cuddly-Wuddly: In this position your man lays on his back facing up, and your head is rested on his chest or shoulder. This cuddle position is very intimate, allowing him the option to place his arms around you in a protective manner. Men are turned on by the fact that the two of you are so close, and that you feel comfortable enough to nestle in his arms and allow him to protect you.

7) Eye See You: This position occurs when you and your man face each other, seemingly gazing into each others’ eyes, even in sleep. This position allows for the two of you to touch all or some of the front of each other’s bodies. You have access to touch each other with your feet, legs, knees, torso and chest. This position is enjoyed by men because they can easily keep an eye on you, making sure that everything remains alright through your sleep.

Ayize Ma’at is Co-founder and President of B Intentional, LLC, the Relationship Education company that owns and operates Blackloveandmarriage.com, the premiere cutting edge Marriage and Family web publication with the largest collection of love and marriage advice videos for African Americans. He is a Marriage & Relationship Educator certified in various Singles and Marriage Education curriculums and has a passion for inspiring others to grow and gain a deeper understanding of love. He is a devoted husband and the proud father of 4 amazing children.

Can Sex Toys Save Your Marriage?

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By Jenna Stevenson

It’s an interesting question I know, to which most may have already made up their minds and come up with an immediate answer of no but before you shut the door on this one let me go on.

With a divorce rate in England and Wales in upwards of 150,000 per year (which is more than half the rate of marriages no less) and shows no sign of dramatic reduction is it possible that we are not prescribing the right ‘medicine’?

We all know that marriage should be a union of love, friendship and intimacy; particularly a healthy sex life but it seems that the lack of the latter can often be the major contributor when it comes to marriage breakdown. So with all the information at our fingertips and the ever increasing statistics staring us in the face why is that our sex lives are being paid less and less attention?

One reason has to do with our complete lack of ability to communicate about anything that is remotely taboo and it is this exact loss of communication skills and the ignorant yet hopeful attitude that ‘things will sort themselves’ which can ear mark a marriage for probable separation within 12 months.

Our hectic lifestyles aren’t helping either. Sex is way down on the list of things to do, sadly being replaced by the longer hours at work, the school run, the shopping and the house work. Put frankly many don’t have time for sex anymore and there must be an increase in the popularity of the use of the phrase ‘I’m too tired’ – I’d like to see those statistics!

Low sex marriages across the board often share the same symptoms; you only have sex a few times a month, sex is a chore, you schedule sex, you don’t fantasize about your partner, there is no sense of adventure and neither of you are frisky anymore. Suffering these symptoms? If so a remedy is needed but it might not be what you are thinking.

So what’s the solution?

Step 1 – Start talking. A fundamental concept that needs to be grasped is that communication is paramount. How can you correct a problem if one half of your relationship doesn’t know that one exists? It has been proven time and time again that couples who communicate well and share activities together often have a much more sexually active relationship.

Step 2 – Make time. Often couples that end up going away for a weekend or manage to escape the children for any substantial periods of time find that they have what can only be described as ‘honeymoon sex’. The reduced workload and subsequent lower stress levels seem to remove inhibition and rekindle the slowly dwindling flame.

Step 3 – Spice it up. If it isn’t new, it’s through. Consider spicing up your bedroom. It’s the quickest and cheapest way to give you both a change of scenery and even a subtle hint like changing the usual light bulb for a shade of rouge can make a huge impact.

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Step 4 – Look in the toy box. Many still think of sex toys as being scary looking vibrating gizmos that can only be found in the dodgy back street sex shops found in the nasty side of town – not anymore. Sure you can still find these but when it comes to relationships sometimes it’s better to take a more subtle approach.

When choosing any marital aids choose the ones that will offer the greatest chance of increased intimacy and not just the latest craze. Generally the area of sex that offers amplified intimacy levels is foreplay. Concentrate on this area and get to know your partner all over again. Make it fun with a handful of accessories like the classic blindfold, maybe some fluffy handcuffs and some daring dice that dictate an act to be carried out with every roll.

Keeping your choices to a select few will have the desired effect of keeping the focus on you and your partner and not the new additions. There’s no point having the latest toys that receives all the attention and hoping that your relationship will be ok now, the focus should be on what they can add to your sex life, not be the central part of it.

So, can sex toys save your marriage? On there own, no. However, as part of a larger scheme to pay more attention to your sex lives, maybe they are just what the doctor ordered.

Jenna Stevenson is a tester of adult sex toys at Batteries Not Included. Her reviews and opinions on sex toys can be found at http://www.batteries-not-included.co.uk

My Husband Is Emotionally Constipated

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By Briana Myrick

A few nights ago, I watched the TV debut of the documentary Miss Representation on the Oprah Winfrey Network. It was a really informative documentary about the media’s misrepresentation of females. Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker made a comment that really gave me an a-ha moment:

Men are taught to be emotionally constipated.

I laughed, then it turned to a chuckle, then it turned to a deep thought, then the light bulb went off. “My husband is emotionally constipated.” I thought this was the perfect description for my husband. Now, there was no true explanation as to what being emotionally constipated really meant. There as no dictionary definition for it, but I sort of gathered what it meant.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Constipated?

You have a hard time showing emotions. This is hubby through and through. He’s called himself a robot several times. He doesn’t really show when he’s happy or sad. He does show when he’s angry though. He’s not into the lovey-dovey affections. Don’t get me wrong; he shows public displays of affection. He holds my hand, he hugs me and kisses me in front of family and friends. What he doesn’t do is profess his love on a daily basis, or even on a regular basis for that matter.

Now hubby has proved his love to me in a variety of ways. He sticks up for me, no matter who the opponent is. He provides for me. He proposed to me. He married me. The list can go on and on. But he’s not the type to talk about me all the time to his friends (not that I expect or want him to). The biggest issue with me is the 3 word phrase: I love you. Hubby usually doesn’t tell me he loves me unless I say it first. I don’t deny that he loves me, because at least he says it back. It would probably throw me off if he says it out the blue, and prompt me to ask “What did you do?” or “What do you want?” It doesn’t pose a huge problem, but it makes our relationship different.

I’m an emotional person. I show it when I’m happy. I can’t hide it when I’m sad. It’s clear to everyone when I’m frustrated. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I have no problem telling him or the rest of the world that I love him. Now his emotional constipation was an issue early on in the relationship, when I questioned how he truly felt. Now that I know how he is and how he operates, it’s just something I’ve learned to work with and work around. I no longer expect him to be the husband who’s involved in everything, my biggest cheerleader, or showering me with words of affirmation (even though that’s one of my love languages).

Is your spouse emotionally constipated? How do you deal with it?

I’m Briana, a 20 year old newlywed and freelance writer/blogger. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart when I started my blog, 2oandengaged.com, and we married after being together for almost 4 years. We decided to ditch the expensive “dream wedding” and opted for a courthouse ceremony instead. After being laid off, I started an online business of freelance writing, sites and services called Engaged Media. You can check out more of my writings at www.20andengaged.com


6 Steps To Help Women Overcome Impotence In Their Relationship

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By Norm Hem

Male impotence, transient erectile problems and premature ejaculation can occur at some time or other in all relationships. When this happens it not only affects the man, but also the woman feels distress. Any sexual dysfunction, including premature ejaculation can deprive the woman of sexual pleasure and cause personal and psychological distress as well.

But there are steps couples can take to overcome male impotence and improve their relationship. There’s no need to try to ignore sexual dysfunctions or suffer in silence when there are ways of achieving satisfying sexual relations for both of you. Just follow these six steps as reported by “Andromeda Andrology Center, and “Osbon Medical Foundation,” of Georgia.

1. Admit the effects of impotence on you and your relationship 2. Consider your physical and psychological health 3. Explore the relationship factors that predict successful treatment 4. Learn about the causes and treatments for impotence 5. Discuss this problem with your mate and determine your true sexual needs 6. Seek medical consultation

The first step, of course, is admitting there’s a problem. As the two of you think about your sexual relationship, try to understand the influence that impotence has had on both of you. Then together decide on how you a plan to approach it and what you’re going to do to help one another cope and better your sexual relationship.

Feelings, thoughts, and behaviors in relation to any sexual dysfunctions will have an effect on both your physical and psychological well being. A case in point is Ellen and Paul. Since undergoing triple by-pass surgery a year ago, their sex life has dwindled.

Ellen decided to do something about it, planning a special night together, ensuring there’d be no distractions or interruptions. “I’d been looking forward to this special time together to share a fulfilling, intimate experience,” explains Ellen. “But in spite of my caresses and cuddling, Paul couldn’t seem to respond. The more I tried, the more anxious we both became.”

Any woman in a relationship with an impotent man can relate to this experience. It’s not just the man who suffers, the woman does, too. Women begin to think about possible reasons for their partner’s sexual dysfunction and wonder if they’re to blame.

Women have many of the exact same concerns as men do in regard to impotence. That’s why it’s also important to talk to one another about what may be causing the sexual dysfunction.

In approximately 85% of cases, male impotence is caused by something physical, that can be diagnosed and in most instances is treatable, with some even curable. So it’s important for men to see a doctor and have a medical consultation.

It’s important to discuss what both partners need from their sexual relationship. Today in society we’re conditioned to think and behave a certain way in regard to sexual behavior. What you feel sexually when faced with an impotent partner, and what you believe you’re supposed to be thinking and feeling can be two very different things.

It’s important for men to remember their partner may be having the same frustrating feelings they’re having. But good communication can help straddle the hurdle of impotence and sexual dysfunctions while working together to become a team again.

Norm Hem is the CEO of 4naturalhealth.net, a leading global authority on all natural health and enhancement products.

Are We Losing Our Intimacy?

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

Everywhere I look, there is sex. I dare you to go a complete day without seeing one sexual image. Let’s face it, sexuality has become engrained in our society. Turn on the TV and what do you see, Bob standing there looking crazy in the face because he has taken ExtenZe. They show couples lying in bed excited about the new lubes on the market that help enhance the sexual experience. Women are shown walking around town with their hair blown back because they have received the new Trojan Vibrations. Try to do a simple Google search and you may get steered to a porn site. Unless we are living in a cave, we can’t seem to get away from it.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE SEX! I believe that sex is a wonderful gift that was given to mankind from the beginning of time. There is nothing wrong with or dirty about sex. I just think we have started making sex into this nasty thing that is no longer intimate but is now a money making machine. It has now become an obsession in our world. I read somewhere that 76 percent of porn buyers were men and that the porn industry makes about 13.9 billion dollars a year.

I am not here to tell you my moral stance on porn so I will try to just give you some researched facts. A study from the BBC radio 1 found that one in three young adults who occasionally watched even just light porn said it had upset a partner or caused relationship problems. That number rose to seven out of ten for those who watched more than ten hours. Divorce Wizard.Com says that at a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 2/3 of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases.

I can’t speak for all men but for the men that I know, porn has had a heavy influence on our lives. For the most part we learned about sex from these films. Some of our signature moves, and at some point maybe our wants and desires, have come from these movies. Let’s be honest fellas, sometimes we are guilty of wanting our women to do some of the things that our favorite porn star is doing. When our mates don’t provide this for us, we really become upset but don’t realize that we asking for some demeaning stuff. Real talk, some men are hard down mad because their woman won’t let them have anal sex with them or because their women won’t let them ejaculate in their faces. While in some homes, these things are normal practices, in other homes they are deal breakers.

Much research has been done and documented on the effects porn usage has on men but research is not as prevalent on women. Though women tend to view porn at a much lower rate than men, sex shops are dominated with female sex toys. Passion parties have exploded on the scene and most of the women I know have thrown or have been to at least 2-3 of these parties. Some of the items that are introduced can be used for the sexual enhancement of both male and female partners however that depends on the household.

For some men, a vibrator is considered his arch enemy. Let’s face it, the vibrator can do things that we just can’t do. The average man can have sex without orgasm for 3-13 minutes. On average it takes a woman 10-20 minutes to have an orgasm which by the numbers can make it hard for a woman to reach orgasm during sex. So the vibrator comes in and does the trick at a much faster rate. According to Dr. Lori Buckley, a psychologist and certified sex therapist, “When women become used to the intensity of a vibrator, it can be harder to have an orgasm during intercourse since they’re lacking the direct clitoral stimulation that they have learned to love and rely upon.” I have heard some women say that they prefer vibrators to sex because they can use them for five minutes and get theirs, without the fuss of having sex and possibly not having an orgasm.

I am not trying to argue against porn or sex toys. Some couples enjoy both of them and to that, I say “to each his own”. The point that I am trying to make though, is that too many of us are losing intimacy based on these things. Husbands are making wives feel dirty and unattractive because of porn. Wives are making husbands feel inadequate because of their toys. Human beings were born with everything we need for sex. We have hands to caress and stroke, we have tongues and lips to kiss and suck, we have brains to think about how to help us achieve our sexual pleasures, and we have mouths to speak up and tell our partners what we want.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com

Making Your Marriage Bed Better Will Make Your Sex Life Sweeter

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

If you are married I will assume you know the basics of sex. He takes his ___ and puts it ___ and voila! That is sex. But is it good sex? Not if all you are doing is filling in the blanks.

Married sex is wonderful and awesome if you make it wonderful and awesome and if you keep it wonderful and awesome. It’s really that simple.

Wives:
1. You have to get rid of the head scarf during sex. For real. I know you sat at the beauty shop for four hours and paid good money to get your hair done. I know. But think about it for a second. Close your eyes and think about your secret male fantasy getting ready to seriously make love to you… while wearing black church socks and flip flops. Your male fantasy may be so fine that you overlook the socks a few times, but after looking at those raggedy flip-flops over and over again you’ll want to rip those things off his feet. Right? Right! Well, that’s how fellas feel about your head scarf. It ain’t cute. So take it off, make love, then re-wrap your hair. And if making love totally wrecks your updo, I bet the hubby will be more than happy to shell out the funds to get it re-done.

Hubbies:
1. Remember when you first met your wife and you would do the “thing” followed by the “you know” and it would drive her wild? Well, she’s bored with it. I know what you are saying, “but she always loved it like that!” She used to love it, but now she’s bored. Let me let you in on a little secret – women are fickle. One minute we want a soft caress, the next minute we are hollering expletives that our mothers would be ashamed of. We are definitely chameleons. And we need you to remix your “game plan.” So surprise her. If you always do A then B then C.. tonight start with B, pull out a brand new D then go back to A. No one says throw your bag of tricks away… just remix it.

Wives:
2. (I’m about to get high fives from every husband I know.) Ready? Ladies, you have to have sex more often! (I’m pausing right here because men everywhere are standing up giving me a round of applause.) Sista, you have to be in the mood more than his birthday, anniversary and Dr. King Day. Yes, I know you’re busy. Yes, I know the kids are forever calling your name. Yes, I know all of that. But you have to tap into your inner sexy. Think back to when you first met your husband or first got married. You couldn’t keep your hands off him. So take a day off from being a wife and mommy. Have the hubs pick up some McDonalds for the kids and drop them off at your mama’s house. Let the laundry pile up for a day. Grab a bottle of wine and rekindle that spark. The flames are still there, you just have to stroke the embers.

Hubbies:
2. Quit thinking you are going to get the good-good if you haven’t helped out around the house. (The ladies have just welcomed me back to the team!) You can not expect anyone to fix dinner, check homework, wash clothes, clean bathrooms, work 50 hours a week, change diapers, braid hair, and break you off all in the same day. You want some loving? Then start engaging in household foreplay. What’s that? Oh that is where you do a chore on your wife’s to-do list. The scene goes a bit like this –
Man: rubbing on his wife “Baby, I’ve been thinking about you all day.”
Wife: pulling away from hubs, “Boy please. I gotta fix this dinner and lil’ Jimmy has soccer practice in a minute. Not to mention I have laundry to do.”
Man: Pulling wife back to him, “Don’t worry about that.. I already fed Jimmy and he is at Bobby’s house. Bobby’s mama is taking them to soccer. I picked up dinner for us, and as for the laundry – it’s folded and already put away.”
Wife: “For real?” Boom bam! She is butt naked and it’s on and popping.

Wives:
3. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Yes, you have to shave the whole leg. Yes, you are going to have to wax there. Yes, you are going to have to invest in sexy lingerie. You need to channel your inner Draya-Trina-Pussycat Doll and work it! Don’t stress over it. Buy the Halloween costumes on November 2 and play dress up. Your man will eat it up!

Hubbies:
3. Personal grooming matters for your too! Umm-hmmm! If your hangnails will mangle her lower regions, go get a manicure. Shower up and smell nice before coming to bed. No one wants “fresh off the toilet” or work funk all in the bed with them trying to be sexy. And a little lotion won’t hurt either. All over lotion – not just your elbows and knees.

Both:
4. Learn something new. Take a moment and read a Zane book or two. Try to play “helicopter” with the ceiling fan. Do yoga naked and see what happens. Play twister in bottoms only. Go on a field trip to the Hustler store and each of you buy one thing you want to try. Read The Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra. Try one of the poses. Keep it lighthearted and fun. Remember, this is your spouse. If you got married at 30 and live to 90, that is 60 years of sex with that one person. The one person that you love more than anyone else on the planet. The one person that can make your toes curl over and over again. So try something different. If you like it, keep it as part of your sexual repertoire. If not, try something new the next night.

Either way you will keep the marriage bed – and the marriage – happy.

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com