It’s Not About Oral Sex…..Or Is It?

It’s Not About Oral Sex…..Or Is It?

I am in need of guidance. I am a 34 year old black male who has been dating a 24 year old mother of one. We spent our first few months talking, as I wanted to get to know her. I live in Houston and she in Sherman. So it does take some effort to see eachother, but it’s never an issue. I love her deeply and she knows this. I respect her and am committed to her and her daughter. We have wonderful communications. We always manage to work things through and we never hold grudges. I love the way I feel when i’m around her . She has expressed the same feelings towards me. All in all, we are good.

Here’s the rub. When we first started talking/dating, we would speak a little about sex, but not too much because I know what I can do in the bed and I didn’t want sex to become the foundation that we built our relationship on. But during that time, she would hint a few times that she can’t wait to do oral on me. Fast forward. I have not gotten it. Not even once. I make baths and massage this woman, I give her oral and whatever else she dersires in bed. I have asked her as politely as I can about it. Her previous response was “I will once I get comfortable.”

I have never been a cheater, but most of my life I have been cheated on. So this bothers me, I am a clean person. I even shave. So last night I ask her to tell me straight up if she is pulling my chain because my desires matter too. I give her oral with pleasure. And for her to have once bragged on it , yet has not done it to me yet, really hurts. I’ve asked all the important questions. Her response was “I think we should wait until we are married so it can be something special.”

That pissed me off in ways unknown. I don’t defer her wants and needs. Yet I have to wait, even longer? If i am the best manshe has ever had, as she claims, then why must I wait when I’m sure whe was slobbing other guys genitals in her past relationships? It make me feel unappreciated, unacknowledged, unattractive, unimportant, and insecure. It’s not fair. I’ve been a good man. Now the negro in me that has laid dormant in me since birth, is very tempted to find a woman on the side just to please me in that area. I spend my money, We talk for hours everyday. Yet I can’t get this one simple thing I ask for?

The only thing that is preventing me from doing it is the fact that i love her. But this cannot continue or she will lose me. I believe In “we instead of I”. I live that way in our relationship. I refer to her daughter as our child. I also belive in “you play how you practice”. This is truly hurting me on a deep level. If you guys have the time. Please help me figure out what to do.


18 replies
  1. Dale
    Dale says:

    Hey guy I have been there, un-fulfilled expectations leaving you in the mental rut of somehow comparing yourself with her past trysts. She planted in you the mental images of what she had done with others, and you not hating but having expectation of at least the same but never receiving it. This brings on the feelings you are experiencing, REJECTION and INADEQUACY. You’re thinking about all the effort both you guys are putting into building a solid relationship and wondering why she is not giving herself fully to you but she gave more of herself to others. After all how can she give all that to some random guy(s) but not give you, the one who has taken the time to build communication and a loving happy relationship the same.
    I understand her statement of wanting to save some acts of sex for marriage, but she was already doing it with others so that cat is already out of the bag. Typically that phrase “saving something for marriage” is used for an act the person has never performed such as not wanting to attempt annal sex with anyone but the person you marry. If she is truly trying to save something for marriage then she should have not consented to sex at all with you until marriage. Telling you about how she did it for other guys and then tell you wait till marriage is a definite sign that she may actually have some control issues. Yes, you are feeling manipulated and that’s why you are growing more angry and considering finding someone else who will give themselves fully to you.
    You are going to have to determine if you can continue harboring those inner feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Left unresolved, they will continue to erode the relationship even in marriage. If she doesn’t change her mind about your need and you don’t believe you can resolve these issues in your mind and heart, move on brother because the pain will only get worse.

    • Cassenorp
      Cassenorp says:

      Amen..and amen. I couldn't agree more.

  2. FoxyRoxy
    FoxyRoxy says:

    That’s just selfishness. She should’ve said “I think we should wait until we are married so it can be something special”, just as you were about to perform oral sex on her.
    Seems as if you care for her, but real love works both ways. Back-off from her sexually, she’ll change her tune. Mutual love should be the reason for marriage, not hidden promises.

  3. Cassenorp
    Cassenorp says:

    (Part II)
    I would encourage this brotha to be real with himself (which he appears to be doing) and to be real with his woman (which also appears to be doing, by discussing it). If it's a dealbreaker, then so be it. There is no bad guy in a breakup where there is complete honesty. Better you know it now, than to continue in the relationship and cheat. Complete and open honesty is the highest form awareness in the context of relationships.

    I've broken off a relationship because I didn't receive oral sex and, truthfully speaking, I'm better off for having done so. I am now in a long-term serious with a woman who knows and honors my needs, as I know and honor hers. I'm a happy brotha. Praise Jesus. But seriously though, it all starts with being real with yourself and your significant other.

  4. Cassenorp
    Cassenorp says:

    (Part I) It's okay for this brotha to have his NEED for oral sex from his woman. If oral sex is a need for him, who am I or anyone else to tell him it's not? To suggest or tell him to simply "get over it" completely marginalizes and dismisses him as a person. By saying "get over it", you are saying to him "how you feel…what you want..doesn't matter to me".

    • Mark
      Mark says:

      When did oral sex become a need? Intimacy…..yes. Oral sex….no. When did it become wrong for a woman to save something for marriage? Man up and put a ring on it bro….meet the requirement and you'll get the reward.

      • Cassenorp
        Cassenorp says:

        So are you saying a man should get married to get the "reward"..i.e. oral sex? That's a wrong reason to get married. Mark, oral sex may not be a need for you. But you can't judge another person's need.

        • Mark
          Mark says:

          Food, clothing, shelter, oral sex…..hmmm sounds about right. smh Hell no a man should not get married to get oral sex. This sistah may have established it as one of the many benefits, not the only benefit. You either stand up or step down…he has a choice. I would hope he would stand up since he says everything else is going well.

          • Cassenorp
            Cassenorp says:

            You neglect to mention emotional needs…love, affirmation, being valued, accepting a person fully…oral sex can be (not always) an expression of all of the above.

  5. Ashley
    Ashley says:

    Its about balance. Im not saying she's right in not reciprocating but marriage isnt about giving to get something in return. If you're thinking about cheating BC you're not getting head. Then dont get married BC you're not quite there yet. There will be a million more times you'll deal with similar situations.
    He should sit her down and talk to her about how serious it is for you. She may be intimidated or unaware of how important it is for you. if.she doesn't respond well, leave.

  6. XoXo Tamisha
    XoXo Tamisha says:

    I have to admit that I really don't think I would be with any man that did not perform oral sex. In my experience, I have come to understand that, although oral sex is very pleasurable for most men, I believe the underlying issue is submission. As a woman, when oral sex is performed on me it is usually done with care, love, pleasure and submission. I can only imagine that the same is for men.

  7. Tierra C.
    Tierra C. says:

    Omg I I could not stop laughing…. Seriously though,..this is why I am not having sex because I know the process… and by me opening that door to someone who does not have the key, I'm just getting in the way of God's plan for me and who he is preparing me for…. Keep Inspiring, Love, your Single Student!

  8. Tory
    Tory says:

    Hilarious!!! My man acts the same way lol. Sometimes I wanna say "get it together you big ass baby" lls

    • Smoov
      Smoov says:

      But is he still giving YOU oral? If so, why are you "holding out" on him – do you not want to? And if your man stopped giving you oral, would you not want some kind of an explanation?

      To some people, giving oral sex is a deeper expression of trust – as many don't use contraceptives when doing it. You trust somebody & it's OK to do oral. Some men/women today are uncomfortable with it – and that's OK. But to mention that you've done it (& are pretty good), but to not do it – is really confusing & misleading. How can a deeper relationship develop b/t the two when she talked about jumping & let him jump, then decided she doesn't want to jump after he's already done it. Maybe the solution is simple.

  9. Dominique
    Dominique says:

    Great advice. She also may be hesitant to get intimate because she has a child from a previous relationship and she doesn't want another child without being married.

    • Terri
      Terri says:

      She if sleeping with him. The only thing she isn’ doing if giving him oral sex which she said that she will once they get married but if she isn’t doing it now what makes him believe she wilk then since she said she couldn’t wait to do that to him but once they became intimate. She put it off saying wait. til we are married.

  10. Nandi
    Nandi says:


  11. Corey
    Corey says:

    I'm feelin the way yall compliment each other. Your connection is palpable. Yall were right on point..this dude needs to chill out.

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