Mommy, My Life Is Messed Up Because Of You

VIDEO:  This letter came in and really made an impression. A young 21 year old wrote in about how upset and resentful she feels towards her mother because of some choices her mother has made (financial, credit issues, and otherwise) that have affected this young lady’s ability to go to the college of her dreams. She asks “Do parents really understand that the choices they make and don’t make now will now and forever directly or indirectly impact their children’s lives?” She says she just wishes her mother would have “thought through” her decisions more. Wow. That’s heavy stuff, right? And, it’s definitely hard to hear from your own child.

So, we answered her by VALIDATING her feelings, reflecting to her that she needs to be grateful and give her mother some GRACE, AND ULTIMATELY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER OWN LIFE AND WHAT SHE WANTS TO SEE IN IT. Listen in and tell us what you think BLAM Fam.

17 replies
  1. niasenqueglob
    niasenqueglob says:


  2. Loveistheway
    Loveistheway says:

    Oh, and for the record, our daughter is in the college, that she wants to attend, in Maryland, now.

    God is good!

    • living and learning
      living and learning says:

      I mean to thumbs up the last three comments =T lol NOT thumbs down

  3. Loveistheway
    Loveistheway says:

    Just a bit of info: I am the mother of the 21 year old who wrote the letter. I appreciate all who understand the plight of parenthood when one isn't ready for it. However, I also can appreciate my daughter's concern. We have talked about this issue (after she wrote the letter and told me about it) and it's being worked out, as we speak. As parents, it is important that we provide a way for our children to take care of themselves. This is basic parenting from ancient times. It is also good that as parents, we pass good information to the next generation to help them in any way we can. Now, that being said, I really don't owe an explanation to anyone. But for the sake of others on this forum, including my daughter, who may be helped by this discussion, I will offer a little advice. First of all, I've never been on this forum before. I only know of it because my daughter told me about it. Second, you have a really great thing going on here. I encourage you to keep up the great work. Okay, so here is the advice. As parents, my husband and I didn't do it right. We had our own issues with our own parents (Many people in our community have). Don't get me wrong, we loved our kids and kept a roof over their heads. We took them to church, fed, clothed, and did the basic stuff. They were involved in sports, went to prom, went to youth groups. My daughter participated in the school chorus, play, and she did secure a small scholarship to a Division "1" university. My husband and I didn't have much money, because he was hurt on his job and had to come off on disability. He once worked 3 jobs at one time, to take care of us. I started a tutoring business and I also did freelance musical jobs (I'm a musician). I also worked a regular job until I was injured. That's when I started my own business. Because the doctor said that I could no longer do the job, instead of my employer finding another position for me, I was let go. That's when I started my own business. My husband went to college to get retrained to become a teacher. IN OTHER WORDS, WE REALLY STRUGGLED. But, I tried my best to instill in my kids that every one of them must go to college. I cannot tell you the guilt and pain that I have for not properly planning for my children's education. But I can tell you that I do what I can to make sure that they do not make the same mistakes, I've made. So, yes. I take responsibility and may God forgive us and help me and my husband, to help our kids. We are trying to instill in our daughter, as well as our other children, that they are fortunate, even so. There are so many children who have parents that just give up, when the money isn't right. We have had to use our intellect to try and find ways to make education work for our children. Yes, my daughter has to work. But she chose not to stay close to home. I can only give her what I have. We helped her get into her apartment. We co-signed the lease. I've even helped her with tuition, at the expense of paying my own bills. I tried to put her in a school (when she was younger) to help her be around the right people to help her get into a good school. Even the very jobs that she gets, (and they are good ones) is from knowing the people in the places we've sent her–these folks have helped her out a great deal. She really is blessed, even if the situation isn't a perfect one. I know it's hard, when you see other children's parents handing them everything. I want to be able to do that, but it's not that way at present. In God's providence, it will ultimately work out for my daughter's good.

    People, listen. If you don't have any children yet, do what you can to plan for their future, if you can. For those who already have children and you haven't planned. Pray until your eyes become dry (figure of speech, of course), that God will somehow help you with your children, even if it's difficult and the child has to contribute. That's what we did. Each one of our grown children, so far, is enrolled in college. I could write a book, really. But, suffice it to say, that I am grateful, considering the circumstances and what could have been.

    For the record, my daughter is now coming to grips with all of this. But, when you hurt, it is important to make it known, so that it can be dealt with and so you won't become bitter. As black people, we need to be willing to deal with our kid's lack of understanding of why we have not planned for them. To go a step further, we also need to stop all of this nonsense of not planning, when we can. There are some circumstances that really are beyond our control. However, when it is in our control, we need to plan and be cautious with our actions. I am a living witness. Hope this helps. God bless, and happy holidays.

  4. Feminine And Feisty
    Feminine And Feisty says:

    Good advice however the bible does says to honor your parents. And as a parent, I know that it's most parents wish for the best for their children. Sometimes we have the means to plan for the future, sometimes we try and can't like we want to. But last I checked, you cant work with what you dont have. In fact how does she know (like she really cares anyway) how their credit got messed up? It could have been anything like taking out a loan (to keep a roof over the family's head) that they couldn't finished paying because of loss of income. This girl sounds like a snooty, judgemental, bratty pain in the ass to me. If her crap was 100% correct then she could have earned a full schlorship to whatever university that she wanted to go to. She better get off of that haterade that she has for her parents, before she gets married and have children, only to find out that her perfectionist ass has at least one child who is worse to her than she is/was toward her parents. I'm not old but trust me, I HAVE seen it over and over again. Too many ungrateful black brats running around with this new generations, who have no idea what REAL survival is all about.

    • Ambyy
      Ambyy says:

      OR–> Maybe this young lady wouldn't be writing and asking for advice if she didn't have a valid reason to. I remember when they first posted this video and they had the ENTIRE LETTER posted and it was made clear that the girl had a conversation with her mother who clearly pointed out that her future, nor the future of her siblings, was not given ANY consideration. This is not justification to disrespect her mother, and from what we are told/know from the video, she is not trying to disrespect or dishonor her parents in anyway. In fact, it is pretty clear that she is trying to do better for herself, and not make the same mistakes her parents did, and teach her children to do the same. I'd say NOT talking about issues like this is a fundamental problem in our community. You cannot expect one to just "deal" with it. Just "dealing" with it has not gotten us very far as a people. I feel that what her goal was in writing this letter to Aiyana and Ayize, was to emphasize that through her parents short comings (c'mon, NO ONE is a perfect parent, and I'm sure, based on how educated this young lady sounds, she understands this) she has LEARNED to do better for herself, and her future family. She clearly makes it known that while, yes, she is HURT by the fact that her parents were young and not properly prepared (I use that term loosely) she wants others to know and understand that planning for your children's future is not only important, but one of the most crucial steps for improvement of ourselves, and THIS community. She makes it clear that she will pick up the torch, where ever her parents left it, she'll strive to do better than they did, in hopes that her kids will have a better life, and also, pick up the torch where ever she may fall short, for her children's children, and so on. She has every right to NOT feel good about her parents lack of planning, that doesn't mean she HATES them and it doesn't make her a brat. That does not mean she is dwelling on her parents mistakes! It makes her aware of her parents mistakes, she acknowledges them, she is trying to understand them, and LEARN from them, and is asking The Ma'at's for a reminder to all parents, to honestly, take into consideration their children's future. Her wisdom is all over this video. It is something that needed to be addressed. Not swept under the rug like SO MANY other issues in the black community.

      C'mon, people, let's not get our emotions so wrapped up in what we feel. Let us talk about what we KNOW. Let's not formulate opinions based on PARTS of the letter, or PARTS of the video, but the ENTIRE picture and point at hand.

      This girl, is/was hurt, and could have done a million different things to get back at, embarrass, or disrespect her parents for their short comings (like SO MANY PEOPLE often times do) but instead, this young lady, was mature enough to write to a website that actively supports and advocates the betterment of our people, asking that they do a video to stress the IMPORTANCE of planning (to the best of your ability) for your children's future. She, and young adults and children like her didn't fail her…the generation before did. She's clearly not sitting around complaining, she's making it known that no matter how hurt she is, she is STILL striving to do better for herself, her future husband, and children, with the hope that her children can do the same thing.
      If you can honestly find fault with that, then perhaps you need to look in the mirror the next time you reference a "black brat"

  5. Ebonytheartist
    Ebonytheartist says:

    I totally disagree with the writer of that letter. She is like what 20yrs old. This lady is an adult which means if? you wants something bad enough she has to do the work. Nothing worth having is even easy or handed over to you.

  6. BronzeTrinity
    BronzeTrinity says:

    These messages are so important because I keep hearing men encouraging women to lower their standards and not consider finances or education when they pick a husband even though those choices are likely to provide better? for their children. I also hear a lot of the victim mentality when men blame their single mothers for every bad choice the men have made and their lack of initiative. It's up to them to make things better because the past can not be changed.

  7. BronzeTrinity
    BronzeTrinity says:

    This is the BEST video you have done! It has messages that everyone should hear. What I heard was this:

    1) You should try to provide a better life for your kids than you had because that is progress. You should want better for them.

    2) If you do not provide a better life? for your kids they may resent you.

    3) If your parents can't provide what you want there is no point blaming them. Just try your best to improve your own life.

  8. SistaInChrist1
    SistaInChrist1 says:

    "this is my scrumptious? wife"

    LOLLLLLLL i love it!!!!

  9. growflowerswkim
    growflowerswkim says:

    MOST people have to work their way to what they "want"! That' includes schools….be? a big girl and go out and get what you "want"…..Does she know how many kids CAN'T go to college because of money?!!!!!

    • BronzeTrinity
      BronzeTrinity says:

      Yes, but there are some parents who planned ahead, even making sure to get a partner with good credit, so that they can pay for their children's education. This? should be parents' goal. In my opinion, if your kids can't go to school because of money and they can't get a loan, then you have failed as a parent. You gave them the basic necessities but you did not give them what they needed to have a better life than you did. They will have to achieve that all alone.

      • lmartin313
        lmartin313 says:

        I am sorry but I have to disagree with you on this. There are plenty of opportunities out here and the mom had 5 or 6 other children to feed, clothe and house. If this 21 year old dream college was Harvard she/he should have been preparing themselves while in HS to obtain the highest GPA possible so they could have every door of opportunity opened to them (SCHOLARSHIPS). You cannot blame your parents for you not obtaining your College Education – you have to take some responsibility. There is no rule anywhere that your parents are responsible for furthering your education. As bad as this economy is now to blame a parent not knowing all the other circumstances is just ludicrous. Hold the 21 year old accountable for her own choices – it isn't too late to attend your DREAM school she could apply for loans on her own since she is 21 she has her own credit now as well.

  10. staras00
    staras00 says:

    Resourcefulness is an? awesome skill. Let's hope that she learns it very soon.

  11. bernadettelsmith
    bernadettelsmith says:

    disagree with the letter writer. I think she's being selfish. Ppl do better when they? know better. As human beings, we make mistakes. The letter writer should be grateful that she's even able to go to college b/c so many kids can't. Its time for the letter writer to take responsibility for herself and become creative and resourceful. I did it on my own. There are no excuses for any of us.

  12. loveedigveggies1004
    loveedigveggies1004 says:

    Great advice…? I can really relate. I love you guys.

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