Times Are Hard Financially…My Man Doesn’t Appreciate What I Do.

Video: Good  morning, Ayize and Ayiana!!  I recently found your blog through a RT on twitter!! Let me give you a little background to my “situation”. My fiancé and I held down a long distance relationship for a little over a year and at the end of last year I decided I would move to be closer so that we could really focus on building the empire we always discussed over the phone for over a year. We would see each other every other month or so – I lived in GA and he lived in VA. I would make trips back for the holidays (VA is my hometown) or when my brother would make a trip. VA is our hometown so every few months we would make a trip up. It was VERY rare that I would make a trip if I didn’t have holiday plans or vacation time to get rid of. There was always a purpose. We had made plans to meet halfway, but it never really worked out because he is a firefighter and his schedule is 24- on and 48-off. I always felt it would have been a waste for him to make a 4 or 8 hr trip, just didn’t make sense to me. Dec. 23 2010 I moved back to VA and he proposed that night – beyond surprised and had NO clue!! When we would talk about how we would get closer to each other he would always say it’s not as easy for him to just pick up and leave, which it isn’t he has 3 kids (now) that he takes great care of and a career that he is happy with. I agreed it was easier for me because I didn’t/don’t have any children and just had a ‘job’. So, while I was working my last few months and trying to find work back home so that I wouldn’t stuck between a rock and a hard place once I moved back he got us a nice cozy home and managed to pay bills and maintain while I was away. He would always say come home and to look for work once I arrived. I was so hesitant because when the economy went downhill I lost my job in ’08 a month before I graduated from college – what a graduation gift!!

I moved to GA with my brother and his now wife to look for work and get back on my feet. It took about 9 months to find work – that was why I was so hesitant; I didn’t want to live that nightmare all over again. I had saved a little money under the current job (in GA) that would keep me for about 4 months as far as car insurance, car payment and cell phone bill were concerned. I was still hesitant about just up and moving because the area of VA that we live in isn’t the most plentiful when it comes to gainful employment. I began to pray and let my faith be my guiding light, so I moved and began to look for work. About 2 weeks after I moved I received a call from a local temp agency that landed me a gig for about 3 weeks making 9.00 – bummer, because I hadn’t made that much since I was in High School. I took it graciously and continued to look. Near the end of that assignment the Temp Agency called saying that they had something (my current position) that was more permanent, but paid a little less. I was stuck in limbo, but had no other options, so I took it, graciously!! I am currently working as a receptionist making 8.50. I make about $270 each week – with gas (I travel 45 mins each way O_0), car payment, car insurance, cell phone, helping with rent and keeping food on the table….saying that it is difficult is an understatement.

What prompted me to write this email was a conversation (through text msg and over the phone) I had with my fiancé last night. We’ve wanted to get the internet and since we don’t have cable we figured Netflix would be the best/cheapest way to go, plus I want to go back to school in the spring and obtain my M.B.A – gotta have internet to take online classes!! He asked me if we were going to try and get it next week. I told I’m giving him $100 out of my check to assist with rent/apply to other expense as he wants. His response was “$100 towards rent? Well, that will have to do, I suppose. I hope you are going to contribute more in the coming weeks, because I am not out of the woods yet financially, & even when I am, I still need a partner on the bills.” Mind you I am in debt above my head with credit cards – something had to keep me afloat for 9 months of not working.  I always give $200-$250 a month rent is $525 and electric was about $60 last month AND I buy groceries -$35/wk and toiletries – $15/bi-wkly. I provide all that I can without me missing a car payment or not paying my phone bill. He then stated that ” I think I am being pretty fair not asking for a lot, given your financial situation” He purchased a TV a few months ago I told him up front I was not going to be able to help make payment towards it, I just don’t make enough. He also refinanced his vehicle and instead of paying $200+ every 2 wks its $90 every 2 wks. I made reference to his reduction in that payment saying it should help him not to be stretched so thin/stressed. He made reference to the recent inclusion of his 3rd child (not mine, but I knew of her – another story) and that the car payment reduction would be going to the continuous care of his children, I don’t fault or frown upon it. I do a lot as a step-mother and fiancé – at times I believe he forgets how difficult it can be for someone to care for the children of others as if they were their own – maybe because he isn’t in my position?!?

What really “set me off” was his comment ‘I hope you’re not relaxing neither! You should be constantly on the hunt for gainful employment and don’t be trying to ‘chill’ and that I have been behind the desk comfy and to get my behind in gear” – those comments hurt to read. He knows that I look daily – yes, as a receptionist at my current job I look DAILY!!. We just talked about this not too long ago. He reassured me to not stress and continue to look and that things would be ok. Maybe because of his recent addition – child #3 he is frustrated that he is so financially strained, but that I cannot help. He then made the suggestion that I look in another area of VA – pretty much 45mins in the other direction. I will agree that the area is prone to have more gainful employment, but what sacrifices has he made lately is what came to mind when he made that suggestion?? I moved for us. I used my faith as a way to get through the ‘possible’ hard times of not having a job. I took a job for 8.50hr. I’m giving all that I can financially. I’m watching the kids when you are at work. Now, YOU want me to look for work in another area because things are getting too tight and I’m sure it boils down to him feeling like I’m not giving enough?!?! I don’t/didn’t mind doing those things, but I feel he has forgotten and overlooks all that I’m doing to help as much as possible.

Well, let me do some work/look for better employment. Not sure the true reason why I wrote this. venting? insight? hurt? confused? maybe all of the above. I wish you all continued success and growth. I remember telling my fiancé how I believe we should write a book/be relationship counselors – I used to think we had it this “relationship” thing all figured out!! Maybe in the future. We are still young and in the preliminary stages of our unity!!

BLAM Fam…what do yall think about this viewer’s situation?

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8 replies
  1. Phillip
    Phillip says:

    He was totally out of line with his comment. What happened to building you up? You are his Queen NOT his child.

  2. Patricia Knight
    Patricia Knight says:

    I will withhold comment on this issue based on the fact that these two haven't commited to marriage. But I wil say this: our communities have more than enough of these situations. In my opinion, they are big time wasters. If this couple were married, there would be something to work for here. The young lady would know if this brother is trying to work something out in a permanent way with her (or just spending a little time). Some brothers just collect "baby mamas". How does she know that she's not just a future "baby mama"?

  3. the1mshbic
    the1mshbic says:

    We need you all to keep doing what you do so well. I love it! I? can't wait to see you on tv, someone need to recognize that you two have a genuine ability to help others.

  4. Bernadette L Smith
    Bernadette L Smith says:

    Sounds like dude bit off more than he could chew and maybe they're living above their means. I would trim the fat in the expenses (I.e. cable, excess shopping, eating out, fancy cellphone plans, hair & nail expenses, etc.) I would also change my eating habits and seek? out deals & coupons. Groceries are cheaper when you eat vegetarian. These are just a few techniques we used in our home to cut our bills in half.

  5. Kisha
    Kisha says:

    They need to yes-communicate, and she needs to express her feelings and how and what hurt her to him! They definitely need an understanding and she also should realize too that unfortunately when people are stressed they do take it out on the ones closest to them! Not that it makes it right! If this is a situation before marriage they need to take a closer look at the relationship! Love doesn’t pay billsbut communication makes things gel and happen and you ate supposed to have one anthers back regardless! Mates pull the weight together and have each other when one isn’t on top and vice versa! Prayer works also!

  6. DrGspicylove121
    DrGspicylove121 says:

    Some people really don't? know how to COMMUNICATE WELL.. GREAT STUFF KEEP IT UP .

    N. HOUSTON says:

    Great advice.


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