My Man Is Hurting Because Of The Pain Of His Past And Our Relationship Is Stuck Because Of It
By Team BLAM: Video
How are you both. I hope this letter reaches one or the other or both. Please I am making a humble request for a brief video for my man and I. Our issue may be getting worse and since you all are experts, we truly need your opinion.
My man and I have been dating for five years now, and he is an incredible person. He is a father of two boys from a previous relationship whom he has been caring for. The number one person he doesn’t care for is himself. His childhood was really horrible, which amazingly hasn’t kept him from being a great man, but his anxiety has. He aspires to be an actor and his mother laughed at the idea and never supported him as a child, so he went about it himself when he was of age. I applauded that, although He is suffering from anxiety and depression from the taunting of his mother when he was very young. We are now in a long distance relationship due to my work which makes things a bit more challenging. But it was already a long distance relationship before I left. When we are talking, he will have good days and bad days where he will tell me he often struggles just to be happy and how he wishes that he could have addressed this BEFORE we got together. His mother comes up in every conversation and truly breaks the flow of US as a couple. She is even the reason that he decided to have kids with the wrong person, because she made fun of him not having a woman or kids and called him weird. He was the type that would do anything for his mother, which has backfired. His mother treats him differently than his siblings and doesn’t bother to call him and ask how he is doing or his kids. I find it disgusting. My parents were the exact opposite.
I am in his corner actively helping him get what his mother didn’t and still does not give him…love. Not that I am attempting to play the role of his mother. I just want to be the fresh breath of positive air all the negative parts of his life. I see him making attempts on our dates, to not have flashbacks to his childhood and it breaks my heart to see him relaspe back into the same mode of thinking. The main phrase he says when asked what is wrong is, “I am tired of not living the life that I want to live, I should be further than this if it wasn’t for her.” I’m really tired of hearing about this woman, but I know he has to vent. I’m torn.
We have been in counseling as partner and he has seen a couple of individual counselors, which I strongly feel he needs. Unfortunately the counseling doesn’t seem to be strong enough. He wakes up with panic attacks and I wake up with him to soothe him, now by phone. This anxiety is really attempting to tear apart the 5 years that we built together. One thing about him is that he is so OPEN to anything that will help him. He is trying to fight it everyday and he apologized to me for being this way. I know that it definately isn’t his fault and I want and need things to work, but sometimes when I talk to him by phone, there are these long periods of silence, because he doesn’t know what to say or how to please me.
I have told him since we started dating that he needs some time for himself and a break from his boys, whom he raises on his own. He needs periods where he is totally by himself to establish his idenity and happiness. It took him awhile to realize this and he is slowly beginning to do this now, but the anxiety makes an attempt to push him down, and push us down when he makes an attempt to fix his life. Arguments happen, then we usually (when in person) hug and say I’m sorry. But lately it’s like I am dating a different person as the years go by, he’s colder and less enthustiastic, but he will still try. Aiyana and Ayize, I strongly want this man and he has shown his love for me in so many ways, and the many things that we have been through together. It pains me to see him in pain and I feel like nothing I do is helping the deeper issue. We have talked about dealing with things on the next level, because I am deeply at the point in my life where I want to at least see an opening for engagement, even though he must be engaged to himself. Can both work somehow? I am giving so much of myself, not expecting anything in return except for his health to be restored, and at the same time I just need an outlet myself.
I know this is an odd situation, because he may have needed lots of self time to battle the ridicule he received from his parents, particularly his mother, but now he is IN this relationship with me and it’s almost as if he needs to be alone All the time. I can respect and I definately am a supporter as I said earlier of self time and space, but it seems that no matter how much space he gets each week, that his panic attacks during the night get worse and his mood is very heavy during the day, where he will get upset with me for a problem he is creating because he is miserable. I try to give him his space weekly, a three to four day break, then we reunite and I follow up to ask him how he is doing. I am a strong believer in space myself, it strengthens the relationship. My question is…… can a person who is struggling with self love and idenity who is already in a relationship make it work somehow? Please help us.
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mocking trauma caused by the patterns and tones of the mothers voice. similar to horror films when the attacker calls out to the victim in a light sing song voice. African american woman were trained to speak like this through media. e.g Ruby Dandridge in The Beulah Show starring link here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO28pJLY56o these sounds effect males at a level of fight and flight inducing hormonal build up. Similar sounds and gestures can activate this. African american woman have been trained to have these characteristics. If these characteristics are shown in anyway way they will cause the male to release a supply of adrenaline that has to be pumped out of the system through sweat or tears.
The males hormone excretion will be off time if they have suffered long periods of this mocking trauma and will have to be repaired by large doses of D panothitc acid, until the glands are fully healed. If your state allows it anything with a K-opoid will quickly reset all the glands and heal it immediately with repeated treatment. Strongly recommended for extreme cases such as yours. Keeping him by himself can be hazardous if he has any signs of claustrophobia.
This Will Help
Journal like this:
What was your role in it?
What would you like to happen now?
Why will you forgive.
Journal, pray, meditate, and forgive!
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Wow! I am in this very situation now. What a concidence. I am a counselor by trade so I know all about chemical imbalances and psychological damage. I am trying to be a good friend to this man I am interested in, but he is very self absorbed. He constantly rants about how awful his circumstances are and it depresses the crap out of me. Maybe I am co-dependent in that I like caring for his emotional needs even though it drains me. Awesome? video and i will definately give it some thought.
I agree that medication may be best for him. As for your relationship, I don't see it prospering until he deals with these things in his personal life. It's up to you whether or not you want to wait until that happens, but it may take a while. I say you should both focus on yourselves, and give the "relationship" (you sort of can't even call it that because it's all about him) a break. You can support him, you can be there for him, but right now the #1 woman in his life is his mom. Until he can change that, you'll always come behind her.
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Yes, let go. It takes some time, but he has to move on and STOP looking back. I didn’t have a good childhood either. I made myself a promise, like at around 9 or 10 that I was going to go to college to escape poverty; sought out a therapy due to family drama (I hurt to not have your people get along), FORGIVE; AND becoming more spiritual…..just whatever it takes to heal your soul.
He gotta let that past go
The young man needs to understand and accept that his past is not who he is today. In order for him to move on he is going to have to accept his past and forgive. Only then will he be able to move on and have a rewarding life. Peace and many? blessings.
…..medicine, you don't have 2 be on it forever, sometimes you just need it 2 get? over the hump…it's been 5 years~no ring~he wants 2 please his mother, if you want a project keep him, if you don't want? a project move on because all the things you want he doesn't have the ability to give them 2 you…if you read the letter you sent in~you answered your own question
I had a? hard life growing up also. I understand how he feel, however I have to take responsibility for what I doin life. I love the advice you both give