Is It Time To Man Up To Your Mother?

VIDEO: What do you do when you have a meddlesome mother in law all up in your relationship? Especially the kind that’s rude and manipulative and makes you wanna give her a piece of your mind!? We tend to focus on the antics and actions of the in-law in question instead of the actions (or lack thereof) from our spouse. Basic In-Law Rule: The spouse who’s parent is acting a fool has to confront his or her parent, lay down the law lovingly yet firmly, and must address any and all issues of foolishness until there is harmony or at least respect being demonstrated in the family. The other spouse should never be left to deal with this on their own. It’s just not fair or reasonable.

Here, we advise a young lady who feels that her mother in law is bringing division to the family and being plain old disrespectful. She says that her husband can’t see it. What we are suggesting is that she can’t see that it is her husband who is the problem here, it is her husband who holds the precious key to resolution, and it is her husband who needs to set the tone and man up to his mother—bottom line.

18 replies
  1. Carol
    Carol says:

    I had issues with my mother in law for the past 4 years now. It got so bad that someone told my husband that I was having an affair with my ex which has pushed him away from which I feel that his feelings for me was changed. She talks trash about me and spreads rumors about me. She tells everyone who wants to hear about others personal business which doesnt concern or about her. She loves to hear that me and my husband are fussing and arguing with each other which is not right. My husband always calls his mother whining about the things that I do and she turns it into gossip. Its at the point where I want to move far away from her so the maddness can stop. Please Help!

  2. llovely
    llovely says:

    Well they can be a hand full me and my mother inlaw get along better than I thought we would. But she use to seem to look at my husband as a husband and father figure to his younger siblings which I thought was strange. Yes he was the oldest of 8 and he stepped up and did a lot of things the father didn’t do.she calls him and spends hours on the phone fussing bout her issues that I hate. She use to call on him a lot to do things round her house and pay bills. Now I see nothin wrong with that when home is taken care of first. She even tryed to live with us once.bottom line if she get a life and find what makes her happy besides him she can let me have my husband and let him be .he gets very angry if I bring it to his attention he feels even when she wrong she right so I just keep praying about it.its getting a lil better.

  3. Jerry
    Jerry says:

    First off let me say that they did not have this immediate disdain for each other right from the start, they were cordial and spoke, it wasn’t at all uncivilized my mom would say to me how she didn’t think I among my other siblings would be the first to grow up and be my own man and have a family of my own, and that she was proud of what I have achieved and proud of the wife I choose to select as my partner for my wife is very intelligent as well as beautiful but then upon me landing a job I would come home and my mother would say that my wife didn’t or would refuse to speak to her when she would say hello or that she was not doing things around the home to assist in the way she thought she should it being her house and all, so it started to kind of unravel and the final straw was when she tried to tell my wife about how she choose to discipline our daughter in which I fiercely stood up for my wife and as such we moved out into an apartment a tad bit earlier than expected (being that we lost a good deal of money on the place in Houston as we paid for rent and such in advance and didn’t end up staying). It was awhile before me and my mother would again speak to one another but we did and I would often let my mother know that this is indeed my wife, we have a child and she would have to accept that fact, and as such I would tell my wife that this is my mother, the woman that raised me and I owe my very existence to she would also have to accept this for there is no changing my love for either one of them and they should for the sake of the family get along and stop all the petty child like behavior because it is doing nothing but driving wedges between us and achieving the happiness I know deep down we would all much rather enjoy. But does either one listen? If only black females were that simple… anyway we ended up moving back into their home for awhile after a hurricane destroyed everything we had and we basically was forced to start over needless to say it all started up again on BOTH sides. I see my dear left out things like we were trying to save money to actually be able to move out and start over ASAP but she decided she could not take it and started paying over $100 a night in a nice hotel in another city or the fact I tried to have both them and I sit in the kitchen and talk it over but that ended up with my mother telling her that she would talk to her after she was finished doing what she had to do for the night and she (my wife) stormed out saying a few choice words. Things like this I would guess weren’t in the letter she sent you guys. I honestly don’t see what else I can do in this situation as I have tried on several occasions to relay to both of them that my wife comes first but that my mother is still important in my life and always will be. Just like when I first decided to get married in the first place, honestly if I would have done it the “right way” (I don’t see what other peoples opinions have to do with the love you and another share anyway if I truly love someone I feel no one needs to give me their blessing nor do I feel I absolutely should go out of my way to receive such “blessings”) we would not be married to begin with as her father didn’t condone it and maybe not my mother either. But like I said this was 11 years ago we have been together for 12 years so they both obviously very much so dead wrong in whatever reasons either of them had for not doing so. In closing I think you have the rest of the story more or less she once again left out a few things about their recent trip but I have a few tests to take and seem to be running out of time. Keep up the awesome work you guys like I said this is very refreshing to see things such as this maybe its just me but I’m not into the video YouTube/ forum type of thing so maybe I’m just out of the loop HAHA.

    P.S Love the Gangsters Paradise intro, it really takes me back.

    • Kandi
      Kandi says:

      You are right…there's always two sides to every story. I commend your efforts on trying to bring wholeness to your family

    • Erica
      Erica says:

      I have to correct something about this story, in this long drawn out message, he says that he tried to bring us together in the kitchen to talk things out. For 1 he told me to come over there to talk to her and she did not know that I was coming. When she came in the house she was avoiding me by staying in her room and when she did come out she was just walking passed me not saying anything. So when she came through the kitchen I said to her in a friendly manner ( I was not using a nasty tone of voice) that I was there to talk to her and she RAISES her voice (I guess you forgot that part Boo) and says that she was not ready to talk to me and goes back in her room. My husband is standing in the kitchen not saying a word. I asked him "Did I deserve that?" and he said no. I then I did leave. He sends me a text message saying "I see that you tried to make an effort and she was wrong for talking to you that way and now its on her since she decided to speak that way". Does any of this ring a bell HONEY. I don't know where your story came from.

      • Harriet
        Harriet says:

        Erica, sis, we're women. It's very difficult for two grown women to live in the same household without there being some type of conflict. But it can happen with a little patience and a lot of attempts to see things through the eyes of your MIL. There's a reason behind every action, and I'm sure there's more to it than just, "she's manipulative." Make a decision to relinquish your right to get angry (because you do have the right) and just listen to what her viewpoint is. Think about the solutions your anger and frustration have given you. Yeah. . .there are very few permanent ones. Just a temporary alleviation of the symptoms, but the root of the matter is still unknown. Get to the root–you'll find that there is more to your MIL than meets the eye.

        • Erica
          Erica says:

          I agree with everything that you have said. It is impossible for two women to live in one household. And I tried to get to the root of the issue by coming to her on two other occasions before but nothing is ever really resolved and we just moved forward like everything is cool. Only time will tell if our relationship will get better because it can't get an worse. And as for my husband, I love him and I know that this situation is not easy for him.

      • Harriet
        Harriet says:

        This reminds me of the Cosby Show episode where Vanessa brought home a fiancee. Erica, you may be everything your MIL wanted in a DIL, but it's all in the presentation. If it was brought forth on a garbage can lid by the hubster not giving moms at least the opportunity to get to know you. I don't know if that's the root of the matter, but push aside all the foolishness, don't keep getting sucked into the negativity and really listen for the longing in both your husband and your MIL. This means listening beyond the harsh statements and attitudes at the crux of the matter.

      • Harriet
        Harriet says:

        For example, if she says, "You don't know me like that. You have no idea what I go through on a daily basis!"

        That's your cue. Dont' respond with, "I don't WANT to know you, and I go through stuff daily, too!" Respond instead with, "I'd really like to change the fact that our relationship is so rocky. I know you didn't like the fact that you didn't have a role to play regarding our wedding. But acknowledge the fact that you are my husband's mother, and I'd like to develop a relationship wtih you where you can talk to me about what you're dealing with."

        Not in those exact words, of course, but there's a longing behind every complaint she makes, and the same is true of you. Find the longing, and you'll get to the root of the matter.

        • Ayize Ma'at
          Ayize Ma'at says:

          Harriet this is excellent advice. It reminds me of a situation where a friend of mine that is incarcerated was furious for his father not coming to see in during the first year of being locked up. He was so upset he began to question his father's love for him. What i told him is "Just because he doesn't love you the way you want him to love you…. doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It could simply mean you never asked for the love you are looking for." As you stated "get to the root of the matter". Far to often we fail to ask for what we want and expect others to KNOW and GIVE US what want we want….which consequently leads to relationship confusion.

    • Harriet
      Harriet says:

      Jerry, you've done what you knew to do at the time. That's great. HOWEVER, to be a mediator between your wife and mother, you've got to do more than just bring them together to talk. You've got to pray and help them press through the negative parts of the discussion to get to the solution. I mean, there's no point in all that aggression taking place without at least riding the storm out until they can talk like they have some sense.

      Sit down with your moms and come up with some ground rules she'd like to establish. Do the same with your wife. Discuss it with the ladies separately, then let the ground rules be known when you get together, almost like a referee.

      To me, it seems like you're being pulled in two directions, and I know that can be uncomfortable. But it seems like you've given up on the situation. Nope, you can't have that luxury.

  4. Jerry
    Jerry says:

    Hello everyone this is the Husband of the above subject from your video response:
    Is It Time To Man Up To Your Mother?
    The subject I guess for Sept 28, 2010 my wife told me about seeking other opinions on the situation as this has been going on for some time now and I have all but given up on it I’m going to school full time and have a lot of things on my plate this may seem a bit much but I awoke to find a note at my PC about reading/viewing this and I want to set out everything on the table as you seem to not have been given the entire situation so here goes. Ok first let me start off with saying that I really enjoy what you guys are doing and the simple fact that seeing a brother and sister together giving marital advice is very refreshing, and with that out of the way onto the task at hand. I would first like to touch onto the fact that when I first told my mother that I was indeed getting married yes she did not believe me or maybe accept that one of her children was all grown up so early I am not the oldest of three and this was two years after I left for the military (she also didn’t believe that I was joining the military until I left for the bus/airport many tears ensued) but for whatever reason I tried several times to let her know and set up some kind of way for her to be able to attend. Even offering to pay for her a train ticket when money was very tight (she is deathly afraid of flying). You see I was two years into the military and you just don’t receive much compensation at that rank so the idea of flying back and forth doing the “right thing” was pretty much an impossibility because I also had to pay for the marriage along with the fees associated. And as such a way as this I would have to agree that it is indeed a rough way to start a marriage but even though we were young I believed fully that I loved her and she I so I didn’t want anything or anyone to get in the way of that so we went on with the ceremony and I have no regrets of this as you see this was in fact over ten loooong years ago we are not anywhere close to newlyweds as we have been together for going on 12 years and married for soon to be ten.
    I would also like to add that this is not just indicative to my side of the family, her dad would spew all sorts of venom and bile over the phone to her and her mom for allowing us to be married such things as I couldn’t be any good as I was in the military and too young to know or care about anything other than what young males tend to care about at that age which I found VERY insulting coming from someone who didn’t raise his daughter and left her mom alone to deal with raising her the best way she saw fit cheating on her with another woman and dumping her which by and by is one of the reasons I find it hard to respect him to this day in that aspect. We dare not touch on that or bring that up because although I can I would prefer not to sleep on the floor. And with that said I do not see or treat my wife as the problem for when this was all going on I was at work this is things that I was told by her when I got back from work. Let me explain more along the line on how this all came to be in the first place. When I was still in the military after my wife had my first child my mother came to visit us and see her first born grandbaby my mom would speak and have conversations with one another and everything seemed fine but upon my mother’s departure my wife would say how she could “just tell” by the way she looked or the “tone in her voice” she had a problem or “didn’t like me” even after she insisted she had a wonderful time. This I didn’t understand because this was the first time she laid eyes on my mother to know how she acted to begin with, which I tried to tell her but she wouldn’t hear it, paranoia maybe? Anyway after I served my 8th year in the military we paid for and had an apartment ready to move into inside the city of Houston upon arriving there we drove around the complex pretty late as no one was available to allow us to move in that day (around 10 or 11 P.M) and in doing so I was approached about buying drugs just underneath the apartment number we were to be staying in, never mind the “security gate” being crashed into and wide open or the pack of teens in the unlit parking lot drinking and smoking weed. So needless to say we didn’t have a place to stay as I was not going to allow my family to be around such an environment. I then called the only people that really could help in that situation as we had our entire belongings with us in a moving van and that’s how we ended up staying with my family the first time, also that’s when it all started.

    CONT next comment was a bit long.

  5. Rolawnda
    Rolawnda says:

    I had issues with my mother in-law early on in our marriage. It got so bad that we got into a verbal altercation that almost elevated to something physical. She thought it was her place to tell me how to run my home…..and I wasn't having it! Fortunately…overtime at my initiation our relationship has began to heal. My husband has helped tremendously in easing the way.

  6. Rolawnda
    Rolawnda says:

    I had issues with my mother in-law early on in our marriage. It got so bad that we got into a verbal altercation that almost elevated to something physical. She thought it was her place to tell me how to run my home…..and I wasn't having it! Fortunately…overtime at my initiation our relationship has began to heal. My husband has helped tremendously in easing the way.

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