What The “Other Woman” Will Do…That You Won’t

VIDEO: Last week we posted a video questioning, criticizing, and challenging women who have chosen to go after married men. In this video we focus on what it is that the mistress is doing—that the wife is not—that makes it easy for a man to turn his head in the first place. Exactly what is it that wives are not doing? If we be real about it….every relationship has challenges. But what is it that provokes a man to step outside of the relationship when confronted with those challenges? Is there something that wives can do differently to reduce this possibility? You’re about to find out as relationship coach & marriage educator, Ayize Ma’at, breaks it down for us. Listen in and assess where you fall. Are you leaving your relationship vulnerable?

This video post was inspired by an article from Sheeri Mitchell over at www.walkingfaithfully.com. Sheeri writes from a Christian perspective and says there are some valuable lessons wives could learn from “The Other Woman” when it comes to taking care of our husbands. Here’s her full list of what successful mistresses do that wives won’t. Shout out to our Youtube viewer ChiDirtySouthGul for sharing the article that inspired this video! Thanks sis!

Mistresses Initiate Sexual Contact

Yes, the man is the pursuer. When a wife pursues her husband sexually, however, it proves to him that she finds him attractive and desirable. It seems husbands enjoy being found attractive and desirable at least as much as their wives do.

Mistresses Are Nice

It sounds corny, but a little kindness goes a long way. Big and tough they may be, men appreciate kind words and consideration. The more brutalized a man is out in the world, the more necessary it is for him to be treated with dignity at home. Terms of endearment, such as “Honey” or “Sweetie,” a pleasant tone of voice, or basic manners – saying “Please” and “Thank you” affirm a person’s humanity.

Mistresses Show Interest In A Man’s Hobbies

Many extramarital affairs begin harmlessly enough over shared hobbies. While on his daily run, he bumps into her on the track. An avid reader, he joins a book club, where she happens to be a member.

If your husband enjoys football, try taking time to learn the game. If he fishes, subscribe to a fishing magazine and commit to reading an article or two a week. Investing in his hobbies can provide more common ground and an opportunity to grow closer.

Mistresses Seek Out A Man’s Opinion

Is there an area your husband knows a lot about? Solicit his opinion and listen to what he has to say. I have a friend who follows local politics very closely. His wife consistently asks him to explain his position on various issues. She is very smart and has her own opinions, yet makes a point to ask her husband anyway because she is genuinely interested in his perspective.

Mistresses Feed “Their” Men

In many households, microwave meals are the order of the day for husband and wife alike. If this is true for you and your guy, make hubby something nice once in a while. If you don’t cook, make him a sandwich, or buy him his favorite dish and bring it home to surprise him. The content may not be as important as the gesture.

Mistresses Affirm Men

At a marriage retreat I attended a few years back, the main speaker encouraged wives give out what she called “Attaboys” on a regular basis (as in “Attaboy Mykel! You took out the trash!). Every husband in the room applauded his approval. Giving a man accolades for a job well done, or a simple task he did on your behalf, shows him that you appreciate his efforts. Accolades encourage repeat behavior. Repeat behavior makes for welcome habits. Everybody wins.

Mistresses Know When To Shut Up

Giving your husband quiet time – especially at the end of a busy day allows him (and you) to decompress. During the course of your relationship, establish together how much is a reasonable amount of time for him (and you) to recharge. Do your best to respect that time.

Resist complaining to him about things he can do nothing about. Not everything you think as a woman needs to be said out loud to your husband. Do the bulk of your complaining to God. He knows, understands, and is able to affect change when your husband doesn’t, won’t , or can’t. If you need to vent to or unload upon another human being, call or meet with a trusted girlfriend, and give your man’s ears a break.

Mistresses Wear Sexy Undies

Yes, granny panties are extremely comfy – but your husband does not want to sleep with his nana. Invest in one or two sexy outfits and make a point to wear them to bed periodically.

Mistresses Know What’s Going On At Work

I am always surprised by how many wives have no idea what their husbands face professionally. For better or for worse, many men define themselves according to what they do for a living. Wives should know how that part of their man’s life is progressing, if for no other reason than to intercede effectively on his behalf.

Mistresses (Sometimes) Buy Gifts

A token gift, a handwritten note, or even a phone call says, “I’m thinking about you.” Who doesn’t like to “hear” that?

Mistresses (Occasionally) Pick Up The Check

It is more than okay to take your husband on a date from time to time and pay for everything. If you’re like most couples, the money comes from a joint account anyway. The gesture, however, is no less sweet. If you pay from your own account or allowance, then so much the better.

Mistresses Ask For And Give Oral Sex

For many Christians oral sex is strictly taboo. There are as many biblically-based opinions on the matter as there are Christians. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, consider reading Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by noted Christian author, Dr. Kevin Leman. Well researched and humorously candid, I found it pleasantly surprising.

Mistresses Invest In Their Appearance

Between carpooling, grocery shopping, washing clothes, and wiping noses and/or butts, who has time for a shower, let alone a spa day? As a mother of four, ages 4 through 12, a writer, an editor, a volunteer, and a student, I know first hand how hard it can be to glam it up. Sometimes simply putting on a nicer pair of earrings (or any at all), choosing the t-shirt with fewer permanent stains, or painting on clear gloss, constitutes my investment for the day. The point is to put on something, or to do something for yourself that makes you feel more feminine, more beautiful, more confident. Baby steps in the right direction still get you there. Give yourself lots of grace as you go.

Mistresses Say Yes To Sex More Often

I’m shaking my head because as I write this blog, my husband snoozes soundly in our bed – alone. I know what it is like to be too tired, too angry, too apathetic, too cranky, or too busy for sex. But consider this: Your husband is your first ministry. To him, your “no” is a rejection. Persistent rejection can lead to his losing interest in asking you for sex altogether (Why should he bother if you’re just going to say “no” anyway?). A loss of interest in you can lead to his turning to someone else for validation. Not a pronouncement – just something to consider.

Allright B Intentional family. I think this list hits the mark to the “T”. What do you think? Leave a comment or submit a video response letting me know what you think and of course, Keep It Real.


35 replies
  1. Len
    Len says:

    Sisters,….we must take care of us. In the midst of the children, being a lover and wife to our gorgeous men, having a job, being a student as well, we must take care of us. MIND, BODY, SOUL & SPIRIT! If we do this, we can be what our husband needs us to be to him. But God help us if he's not doing his part! This thing goes both ways.

  2. Tituslogos
    Tituslogos says:

    Great article and honest .can only help .Relationship Wellness, Relationship fitness…
    Eye Openers, soften of denial a hard soil, a Excellent word of wisdom…

  3. Men Seeking Women
    Men Seeking Women says:

    If you are single and looking for some friendship and partner for life, then men seeking women websites are the best option for that.

  4. SABS
    SABS says:

    Of course the "other woman" is GOING TO DO what the wife isn't doing because that is all she is being told by the husband…she is not getting told what the wife does and what she puts up with inside the home, IJS

  5. andie
    andie says:

    What happens when a wife cheats…is it not the same pain? or as I've heard from men, the pain is even worse. The point is…cheating/infidelity hurts people and it can kill a relationship. Immature people cheat…. unhappy people cheat…. selfish people cheat…. men and women cheat because they are "self absorbed"!!! It's all about them and their needs with no regard for the person(s) they are hurting. It's unfair to give props to a mistress..the marriage is for better or worse…not just when it's good! People need to be held ACCOUNTABLE, and if nothing else we need to "expose" that type of behavior and see it as wicked and taboo, not applaudable.

  6. Ready for better
    Ready for better says:

    I am at the point where if another woman wants my husband , she can have his ass. He is not the good man that he portrays himself as and I really am sick of being cheated On and disrespected. I've been with this man for almost twenty years and honestly it's been nearly twenty years of the same ol shit. I have no plans on doing any of the things suggested on this list because I really do not feel like he or the marriage is worth the effort. I have lost pretty much all of the respect I have for him and if not for the children and our lengthy history would have found an upgrade years ago. I truely hate the fact that I am now in my mid thirtys the pickings are slim and I visually am not as on point as I used to be. I am working hard to lose the weight and get back what I had so I can find somebody else who will treat me better. Meanwhile all the women who have willfully slept with my husband knowing full well that he's married, can come and collect their "prize", lol! That nigga is far from being a prize, basket case is more like it….

  7. Lynette
    Lynette says:

    I can appreciate this. It feels like a slap in the face wrapped in love.

  8. Valerye
    Valerye says:

    Wow. So….we should be getting our pointers from mistresses?

    I'm sorry but this is like…wow. So…..we give props to women who are sleeping with married men because "they're nice" and "know when to shut up"? Really? How about a post about couples not jumping into a marriage since either the man or woman can't keep their private parts to themselves? It's like a slap in the face to women who have been cheated on. This post is really hurtful. So it can be mostly your fault that your man cheated on you? Is that what you're saying? Because that's what I'm getting from this. Wow.

    • Ayize
      Ayize says:

      Hey Valerye….I'm sorry you get that from the post. Let me be 2000% clear….you can't make your man cheat and you're not responsible for your man cheating. He's responsible for his own actions. What this post does is provide a clue about what he may be interested in that you are either unable or unwilling to offer. Even with that being said…if he chooses to go elsewhere….that's on him…not you.

    • Ayize
      Ayize says:

      Hey Valerye….I'm sorry you get that from the post. Let me be 2000% clear….you can't make your man cheat and you're not responsible for your man cheating. He's responsible for his own actions. What this post does is provide a clue about what he may be interested in that you are either unable or unwilling to offer. Even with that being said…if he chooses to go elsewhere….that's on him…not you.

    • aprilpj
      aprilpj says:

      I think they are just sayiing wives should be doing this and not the mistresses. We women tend to forget to do all of this once we get married. No one should have a mistress, ever. Husbands & wives should pay attention to each other.

  9. Kae
    Kae says:

    Awesome dialog from the article to all of the comments. Loved reading all the text. 🙂

  10. guest
    guest says:

    I agree with "mistress". I used to be one too. There is nothing you can do to stop a cheater. They are cheaters because they want to. I too have heard all the excuses as to "my wife this" or "my wife that". It's a sympathy manipulation to get you to side with them and let them do their dirt. On the mistress side these are the things we want to hear to make ourselves feel better about the whole deception. However, we don't know these women and what they have to put up with while dealing with the cheater. Yes we have plenty of time for you. We don't maintain a life or household with you. Yes we give compliments and praise. It's a game dumb dumb. We will say anything to get our way we don't really mean it. Yes we give you tons of sex. What else are we going to do with our time?? You're not really fooling us but we pretend. We know you have a great wife at home but we don't care. We're secretly jealous of her because she deserves a good man but we're both wasting our time with an insecure loser.

  11. Jamila
    Jamila says:

    I am greatful for you posting that. I'm greatful that I had to refresh on my own relationship! Thank you

  12. Ex-Mistress
    Ex-Mistress says:

    Part 2

    Another key thing the mistress has is what's mentioned here – she has time. A wife who is working, dealing with kids, dealing with the husband, the home, etc. does not always have time for conversation, sex or just chillin' with her husband. The mistress does. She at least has time for sex and I can tell you from numerous unhappily married men I know that is the #1 complaint. If you aren't giving your husband sex, or enough sex, or the kind of sex he wants, he will likely still love you and want to be with you. He will just supplement. And if the mistress is herself in need of a lover for whatever reason, she will be more than willing to make up the difference. But if it's about the freakiness of the sex, it's not that she'll do what you won't do, it's that she'll do and ENJOY what you won't do. That is a very significant difference. She's also often in it at least partially for the sex she cannot get elsewhere.
    If your man married you, he liked something. If cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and trying to be supportive and loving ain't enough for him, you have the wrong man. However, I will say from my observations that aside from sex, men who feel constantly dis-empowered and controlled by women may also cheat. Some wives complain about and belittle their men for things that the average lonely single woman out here wouldn't even blink about. If you've been alone for some time, you are going to overlook some things and not because you have to have a man. It's just that some things just ain't that important. Some wives do truly seem to treat their men like children, but hey, it's also possible that they act like them.

    From my side of things – I think the real work is on yourself. You can only control yourself and your own actions. You may have a man's ring, but if you don't truly have his heart, you are vulnerable. You may have taken vows before God, but neither he nor you signed enslavement papers. People often do things that hurt their spouses for no good reason than they changed their minds or couldn't control themselves. That's when you have to decide whether or not you can work through the challenge or you can't. And you can't even decide that alone because it will take the two of you to want to do it.
    I learned a lot as a mistress and I hope it will help me in the kind of relationship I want to foster and the kind of man I want to foster it with. At one time I envied "my" husband's wife, but now I don't. I would have never married him, because I knew, given my position in his life, that he wasn't ready. Now that we no longer speak or see each other, maybe he's learned some of the consequences of his choices. But I don't control anyone but me and I chose to free myself. It has been hard. We obviously had chemistry and history. But I believe that I can do better for myself. I truly hope he can too, and will commit himself to being a better husband and father than he was.

  13. Ex-Mistress
    Ex-Mistress says:

    Pt. One:

    I have to disagree with this article and I think I can from an informed perspective. I was a mistress.

    The bottom line is this – no matter what you do as a wife if a man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat. He will cheat on a loving, loyal, faithful, attractive wife as soon as he will cheat on a cheating, bitching one in granny panties. I believe as one of your other articles states, that men who are habitual cheaters have a void inside that they need to fill. Or they are simply selfish, or they cannot change or help themselves. No cheater is the same, like no mistress is the same.
    I was the worst mistress in the history of mistresses. I used Facebook to snoop when I couldn't get answers from him, I told him he needed to stop lying and cheating and return to his family and I gave him hell every step of the way and in the end I was the one who cut if off. And this was our third go-round. I asked him several times how it was possible that he could profess to love someone when he continued to put their relationship in jeopardy by cheating. I could, right now, hit send and rock his entire world, but I chose not to for my own sake.
    So the laundry list of "what a mistress does" is not always accurate. Sometimes it's chemistry, it's the drama, it’s the adrenaline rush of sneaking around that makes cheating appealing. The same husband who may feel like a failure at home because of his OWN issues – financial troubles, inability to deal with the responsibilities of marriage, may cheat because the one thing the mistress does have over the wife is that she WANTS him. She may, like me, give him hell, but she won't deny him access to her home and her body because she has needs, desires or issues of her own. That is what married men count on. Some married men are predators who use the vulnerability of some women to get what they want out of them. Some are just immature and some are just selfish or troubled in ways that no one can fix but themselves.

    • LaTrell
      LaTrell says:

      You said it better than it could have been said. I have much respect for you just where you are…(not when you were with him, of course), but you decided that it was time to do the right thing and start to focus on your own issues and the real reason you chose to be with a married man in the first place. If a man truly loves a woman, he will love her no matter what. A marriage is a covenant. Anything else is just vanity. True beauty comes from within. But, the selfish nature of man/woman is overwhelming and breaks up families. I thank you for sharing your experiences.

  14. krystle
    krystle says:

    wow its almost like rewarding a child for going to the potty!! Yeah you did it.!!!! I think this is all excuses for men to cheat..if ;you feel something is wrong or if its something you crave talk to your spouse have a talk..don't go out and conspire with another woman…to mean thats just blantant betrayal…it always seem like the man has to have everything…do you think all women are pleased with the sex all the time or with anything they do…..no man is perfect…this make it seem like they are …lets just respect one another ..if you aren't happy in the marriage get out!!

  15. K.O.
    K.O. says:

    I think these are definitely some good points. We, as women, need to remember how we got our man to begin with. But like "Hmmm" posted below, it also needs to be a two-way street. If a wife never has time to get her nails done or do things for herself, because her husband won't watch the kids for a couple of hours here and there, then these things fall by the way side and you just stop doing them. Wives need help too. If your husband is picking up the slack and helping out around the house, you have more time to take care of yourself, be nice, not be too tired for sex, etc. But if hubby isn't willing to help out, please don't expect your wife to be able to pull off superwoman, cook, clean, take care of the kids, on top of looking nice, being nice and giving up the booty.

  16. Demiko
    Demiko says:

    The Points are Excellent will couples adhere to them is the question because there is this thing called pride that will rip the lid off of a relationship. I advise people to take notes and learn from the education being giving by My Divine Brotha and Sistar feeding you Jewels to Build and Maintain a Great Healthy Relationship. Always Feed your Mind Body and Spirit with Righteousness and never allow anything to tear apart what the Universe has set in place. We Need to Do the Math and Balance out our Equations Too many people are saying that Someone completes them but they are insanely divided in truth and trust. Mulitply all opportunities to Build your Relationships add Positive Energy and Subtract Negative Tendacies and Balance Out your Relationship, and You would Never Have to Worry about what another Woman or Man would do for you SIGNIFICANT OTHER or in my case My Neter Hemp!!!

  17. Demiko
    Demiko says:

    Sometimes Blogs like this can cause a double standard because A Queen could see this as being an attack on them as in that they are in the wrong but it takes the Kings to Stand Up and Do Everything Possible to make sure that his Queen is in a position to always feel, know, and understand that Her inner and outer Beauty is the only blinding Beauty in his Eyes besides the Light of Ra.

  18. Demiko
    Demiko says:

    First I want to give an Asante Sana to the Ma'ats for taking time to educate people on how to maintain and build strong Families. for those who doesn't Live By or know the Meaning of Ma'at then you will understand that Ma'at Represents:Truth Justice Harmony Balance Order Reciprocity Propriety. Relationships lack that in Amerikkka a great part due to the strippings of our cultures and understanding of Family. As a man I can say the desire to look at the beauty of Queen will always have my pineal Gland in a battles with my Libido It is Our Nature. But Love is that Contsant that should Balance those temptations and desires because any man that stands in Truth knows that the Queen he has in his life is all the Goddess He needs to Affrim His Oneness with the Universe.

  19. Cynthia
    Cynthia says:

    This is a great post. As much as it might irritate some women, truth is truth. Instead of looking at it being work to keep the other woman out, look at it as an opportunity to bond and become closer to your spouse. We tend to forget that whatever you did to attract a person, you must continue. However, there are some people who are going to cheat no matter what, it doesn't matter what you do. You just have to be vigilant and active in your marriage. And…stop taking each other for granted. What a mistress will do was right on. You don't have to dwell on it, but consider what opens doors to affairs.

  20. Brooke
    Brooke says:

    Great post! Not only do I agree and will keep these in mind, I also agree with the post by "Hmmm"- each person in the marriage should step it up.

  21. Terrence Ferguson
    Terrence Ferguson says:

    This was a really good post Ayize. Thanks for sharing!

  22. Hmmm
    Hmmm says:

    As a woman who has been cheated on, this article stung a little bit, but it also put questions in my mind about why we as women are always the ones who are implored to do all these things for our men, but the same consideration is never given to us. I understand that men need to feel appreciated, desired, and respected, but so do we.

    What about some thanks for pushing your babies out with no drugs, or waking up 6/7/8 times a night to feed and/or change said babies? What about telling us we look nice, and maybe picking up a pair of earrings you'd like to see us wear? Or thanking me for washing and ironing your clothes, getting the kids up and ready without waking you up, going to the grocery store? Maybe showing interest in the things WE like, and actually listening when we talk to you and/or need to get something off our chests? Should I go on??? I could…

    While I understand and respect where this is coming from, this needs to be a two way street, because hubby may not be getting what he wants because he takes for granted all the things that ARE done for him. When women are appreciated, they are nicer, and will do most, if not all the things that are on this list. But when we are doing all those things (taking care of the kids, taking care of household stuff that includes hubbys stuff), we do get tired, and things do get lax. I would implore men to take more initiative and to also do some of the things on this list and see what the results would be! I think there'd be a LOT more happy marriages!

    • Terrence
      Terrence says:

      I appreciate your comments, and I just wanted to let you know that there is at least one man and I'm sure plenty more who do all they can to make their wife's life easier. When my baby was born, I had night duty (4,5,6 times a night while working 9 hours a day), because my wife had the baby all day. I know of a few other cousins who did the same thing. My wife gets on me because I don't ask her to do too much for me. I wash my own clothes and hers when she lets me. I cook for myself and my wife too, although our tastes are really different. I maintain both of our cars, go grocery shopping, and I just try to think of ways I can help my wife. No I'm not perfect, but I strive to be. Like my wife tells me often though, I'm not normal, but I just try to be Christ like and enjoy the life he has given me. God bless you, and it is my prayer that you're never cheated on again.

    • Dannielle Monroe
      Dannielle Monroe says:

      You have said it all, I agree with every word you said. Thankyou

  23. Harriet
    Harriet says:

    Invest in appearance. Check. I'm a low maintenance sister. I don't do nails…never did. Don't do make up…tried it, but didn't really like it. But the headrag on at night is a constant, and the basketball shorts and tank at night just ain't right. Lately I've been digging into Cover Girl's shadow sticks to add a little more finesse to my look. It's subtle and doesn't feel all heavy on my face. So yeah…I'm making progress.

    Thanks for being so forward with this. I'd rather it be you than some random chick on the side that I'll have to take my earrings off and put vaseline on my face for. LOL

  24. Harriet
    Harriet says:

    This was a great self check. Here's where I need some work:

    Be nice. Check. If I had to characterize myself as one of the seven dwarves in this area, I'd probably be Doc…always thinking about stuff and analyzing it instead of just letting things be. It drives my husband up the wall.

    Initiate sex. Check. Back to the seven dwarves analogy, I'm definitely Bashful when it comes to this area. Don't get me wrong, I love making love to the hubster…but it's always a given that he will intiate it. Anyway, instead of being afraid of rejection or hearing the question, "What's gotten into you?" I just need to get a little more forward and get HIM into me. LOL

  25. S Penn
    S Penn says:

    This is for the husband and the wife….. Ask yourself what is the meaning of marriage, and what what does it involve? A wife should not have worry their busy life behind what she should be doing anyway in her marriage. I do not focus on what I should be doing to keep my husband of 13 years and three children from having a mistress. I told him if I'm lacking or slacking let me know before the issues come involved, and the same go for him. We both know that there are people that don't mind dating and/ or sexing a husband or a wife. We talk about a battles when it come to this topic. I'm actually reading a book now on this topic called GOD AIN'T THROUGH YET Author Mary Monroe. If you have a chance please read this book. It's a great book when you are dealing with a situation like another woman.

  26. Chris
    Chris says:

    Ayize thanks for putting this out there. I'm gonna share this with my woman…and once she knows better I expect her to do better.

    • Jamila
      Jamila says:

      I have a question for you? have you ever considered talking to her about what your relationship is lacking vs… her "knowing"better? Because she might not have experieced something entirely close to what you to have. And I reading this would have to question the reason you are showing her. I know you mean well… Just remember your words and actions reflect on her don't assume other wise you'll make an ass out of you and her (ass.u.me: ass out of you u and me)

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