What The “Other Man” Does……That You Don’t
VIDEO: Yesterday,we did a video focusing on what it is that the mistress is doing—that the wife is not—that makes it easy for a man to turn his head and step out in what is supposed to be a committed & monogamous relationship. Well, today we are looking to the other side and shedding some light on exactly what is it that husbands may not do. If we be real about it….every relationship has challenges. But what is it that provokes a woman to step outside of the relationship when confronted with those shortcomings? Is there something that husbands can do differently to reduce this possibility? You’re about to find out as relationship coach & marriage educator, Aiyana Ma’at, breaks it down for us. Listen in and assess where you fall. Are you leaving your relationship vulnerable?
This is Real Talk…..BLACK MEN: You are loved…Please listen up. It’s a reasonable expectation to be pleased in your relationship. You should expect to be pleased by your woman and YOU have a responsibility to do some pleasing. With that being said….WE NEED YOU. Black women need you to give undivided attention, spend quality time, and provide……yes, financially. These are just some of the things that the “other man” does…..that you don’t. And, what the Hell, I’m gonna throw in some “other things” that aren’t necessarily what the other man does—but husbands could certainly pay more attention to.
*Knows me inside and out: Seek out your woman’s interests. What is it that she really enjoys? What makes her tick? Encourage her in those things. Challenge her to be the best that she can be.
*Spends Quality Time: To really know someone you have to continually be committed to the process of getting to know that person. Why is it that once we’re married alot of folks think that this process stops? You have to be intentional about engaging in things that will help us to deepen our knowledge of each other, our bond, and our respect for each other.
*Give Undivided Attention: Every woman wants to know and feel that she is at the center of her man’s world. She wants to know that you care about what she cares about….just because she does. We want to have conversations that are not interrupted by sports shows, a text coming in, checking your email, or you glancing at your watch for the 100th time—and your wife has only been talking for 2 minutes–literally.
*Buy me gifts sometimes: Whether you believe it or not it really is the thought that truly counts here. It could be a rose from the grocery store, a card you pick up on the way home, or a new dress you know I’ve had my eye on. Whatever it is, to know you thought about me and took the time to buy something just for me is wonderful!
* Stimulate me mentally: Talk to me. Listen to my ideas and share yours with me. This is often one of the biggest turn ons husbands can ignore.
* Take care of yourself: Pay attention to your health. Pay attention to that tummy fat that seems to keep growing. 🙂 Exercise so you can be around for the family and because you wanna keep it sexy just for wifey.
*Help with the kids and the housework: This should be self-explanatory. A man who helps out more with housework and handling kids gets more sex—plain and simple. Help a sistah out so we’re not to damn tired to give you some.
*Pay me a compliment every now and then: Let me know that you see me. It’s so important. Women want to be desirable to our men. If you don’t tell us someone else will…
*Pay attention to the details: When you remember what we share with you down to the most minute detail that spells love to us. We know you won’t be perfect in this area. But, make an effort. Write it down! Shooot!
* Handle your Business. Pay the Bills: Hey, If men can talk about how important getting home cooked meals and being catered to is in 2010, then you know it’s only natural that we keep it 100% honest here and say—PULL YOUR WEIGHT. Bring something to the table……yeah financially. Out of work? Look for employment like your life depends on it. Share in the financial discussions and decision making. Handle your business.
Take on Leadership in the relationship:We ALL have the ability to lead. We ALL have strengths. But, there is something irresistibly sexy & attractive about a confident man who knows who he is, whose he is, and where he is going.
Allright B Intentional Family, this list is by NO means indisputable or all there is, but these are just some of the things that you could and should take to heart when asking “Am I holding it down in my house? Be honest with yourself. Stop Playing. Start Pushing. Leave a comment and let us know how you feel.
I am not married but Im in a relationship with a man that works all the time. We hardly get to spend time together because his "jobs" get in the way. I dont think any relationship will work without quality time of getting to know someone. Also even though he's working alot, I understand he has to work and thats not the problem. Lack of communication is what is bothering me. He went from calling and texting everyday to calling maybe once or twice out the week or sometimes not at all. Our relationship is fresh so it's not like I put years into it. I just needed some advice on what I should do from someone outside of my friends or family.He's very sweet and caring and also very romantic when he chooses to be. But I feel like He's pushing me away because he can't give me the attention that I need. At least to show me that he care and has interest in me. But when he knows im mad all he does and apologizes and goes right to the same thing.
As a man, I have been married for 13 years. I have learned that the most important part of marriage is the economics. Once the economics are solid then you can take on problems that can be fixed with commitment from both parties. Overall, that reduces the emotional baggage issues from the past.
I am currently engaged in a "secondary" relationship outside of marriage. While it didn't turn sexual until a yr into it, it's a relationship none the less. He lives out of state and I like it like that, so that it's not easily accessible. I've been with my husband for 8 yrs, married for 3. In this time, we have had babies, created a home, but never really nurtured our OWN relationship. I find myself as a cook, driver, nanny, and mistress, instead of a wife. I love my husband, but when I'm with "Michael" I matter. My opinions matter, my needs matter, I matter. So while this is a very unhealthy way to cope, it's working for me. I just pray that one day I won't have a need for this "secondary" relationship.
Unfortunately you will always have this "need" UNTIL you choose to nurture and get it satisfied within your OWN relationship. We've got several couples we're working with that have walked your walk…but they experienced something different once they decided to do something different. Faith without works is dead Sis. Make a commitment not to just cope…but rather to confront whatever feelings have led you to this place. Be blessed Sis.
My recent post What The “Other Man” Does……That You Don’t
This was GOOD!!
Look up this site.. http://www.5lovelanguages.com and forget what everyone else is telling you about what your husband/wife needs. You each take the test and then you will know EXACTLY what YOUR spouse needs from you. There is no standard set of needs that applies to every man/woman. Be intentional and ask your husband/wife what it is that they need from you. Our needs are as unique as our fingerprints! I'm not affiliated with this site but this 15 min test changed my whole perspective in my marriage.
Both of these posts were on point. My husband and I discussed these and we both talked about ways we agreed/ disagreed and could step it up in our marriage. They really aren't difficult things to do, we just have to be purposeful about them.
Thanks for the compliment. I'm happy the post sparked a rap session.
My recent post What I Learned From Tyler Perry On Oprah- Revealing His Horrific Childhood Abuse
what if your man or husband is doing all that with paying the bills and handling his business but he still doesn't get what he deserves which is to be treated like a king when he treats the love of his life like a queen giving her the world and if she hurts he hurts
I think that if that in this situation if the man feels he's doing "all that" but doesn't get what he deserves he needs to do a self check and ask himself is he really doing all that he can in the relationship? Paying the bills is only one part of what it takes to make a woman happy.
Pay attention Fellas! A Youtube viewer wrote:
"We as women want to feel like queens. Daother man allows manywomen the freedom 2 be sexually? liberated where as being ina relaitons many wman feel compelled 2stay"ladylike"even in da bedrm so they rnot satisified"
My recent post What The “Other Man” Does……That You Don’t
These Points are very valid and factual, only thing I would say is Fellaz We Need to Deify our Woman and Children!!!! Our Ancestors in Ancient Kemet knew what it took and you seen it through out the diaspora until colonization took place. Capitolism has taken a serious toll on our mentalities these days we are still trying to Buy Love when In reality Lust will cause you to go bankrupt. Integrity and Sincerity can go a long way in a relationship if we took the time to know ourselves and the one we call our Better Half. I can get long winded so I am going to bow out Gracefully
Hetepu
-Demiko
Deify our woman and children……can't co-sign on that one. There is only one God. It's my God that gives me the strenght to lift up my wife and children despite the chaos that "comes knocking at my door".
We all have opinions on who God Is or whoms God is the right God. I Just know I was born of a womb so My Goddess Is Wombman, As a Man I Can Create but The Wombman is the Original Creator. The Universe is a Giant Womb that The gods were birthed from. So if I don't Deify My Queens and My Children Who will? Surely Not a European who doesn't even value the nature of his Wombman and U seen in Slavery they Sold they Own Children. The Black Wombman is God without Her Life would Not Be, So I pay Homage to the Creator/Creatress force in the Universe as My Ancestors did. This could be a long discussion but It's about What This Man Does for His QUEEN so no other man Would 🙂
Respect Fam:
A Youtube viewer said:
"REAL TALK……as usual, this segment and yesterday's segment…..I just have 2 put it out there….that's why I always dated drug dealers because they recognize the important of taking care? of home financially and working class men just don't seem 2 get it….I don't date drug dealers anymore but I do miss that financial security that dating one afforded me"
My recent post What The “Other Man” Does……That You Don’t
This is so real…maaan, it don't make no sense. I really appreciate the way ya'll paid attention to both men and women in this area.
Aiyanna! Well just go ahead and preach lady. People do not want to honestly speak about this subject but it is a must. The points from yesterday's post and today's post is what saved our marriage of 20 years from the devastating blow of infidelity. We both had to be about the business of keeping doors closed. If we can manage to put aside the pride and understand the whys of things, so many others can enjoy marriage instead of just existing. Thanks for keeping it real and in love.
You are so right…a lot of folks are not ready to talk honestly about some of these issues. But, we have to. Honesty is critical if we want to elevate ourselves and our relatinships to the next level. And, you've been married for 20 years and survived infidelity?! Now, that's what I'm talkin bout'! Working for your marriage so it will work for you. Hats off to you and yours! 🙂
My recent post What The “Other Man” Does……That You Don’t
Thank you. Just trying to be open and honest. I see too many marriages going down in flames because they think that they are the only ones. I love what you guys are doing and I pray that God will continue to open doors for you and your husband to bring truth and clarity those who have the courage to embrace marriage.
Its funny I was just talking to a friend a mine about treating his girl better and I told him women need attention and sincerity in their relationship and then I watched this and it brought more of my point to the for front a lot "not all men" dont pull their weight and forget about compliments and gifts for no reason…. women tend to have that covered I know men are logic and women are emotional women love with their hearts men love with their eyes, but it would be much easier in a relationship if the communication did not lack as well as the follow through….
Wowwwww Sis!!!! O.K. I respect this. I'll have to be honest….there's this temptation to provide a counter to almost every one of your points..CAUSE I AIN'T TRYIN TO HEAR THIS..but right now i think that what's required is that I just LISTEN, LEARN, and and DO MY BEST to APPLY. Thanks for the "unwanted" real talk and tellin us what we need to do as men.
I Have a Question, When you do all these things plus give more and she is still not satisfied because she is looking for fault and error and has been so mentally abused in past relationships that even if she tried she still dwells on her previous chapters of life, You Turn into her Eyes and Mind a Fictional Charater? Some people say you shouldn't ask a question with a question I am a Frances Cress Welsing type of Person so I have to Ask WHY?
There are times when a person must deal with their personal issues, become healthy and whole before they can give and receive in a relationship. She may need time to heal. As cliche' as it might sound, hurting people really do hurt other people. Until she deals with the anger, disappointment, etc, it may be difficult to cultivate a healthy relationship.