Ooooh….How My Husband Makes Me Feel


By Aiyana Ma’at

If only my husband could really understand how he makes me feel. He has such power….such an immeasurable and amazing ability to touch parts of me that I didn’t even know existed. If only he could feel just a tenth of how he makes me feel when he takes the time to do the simple small things like add the word “love” to the end of “I’m sorry” or “Are you ok?” or “Do you want some eggs?”. It really doesn’t matter….just the fact that he calls me his “love”….. it makes my heart weak.  I love how he looks at me. How he holds the door for me. How he looks out for me. Oh, how my baby impacts, moves, and shapes me. If only he knew…..

He does it so much. Oftentimes, it seems he does these seemingly small things without even thinking. But, recently he intentionally took the time to do another seemingly small thing and it touched me so much. You see,my birthday recently passed (yay! I’m 21….not!)  Lol. And, my husband gave me a card and took me out on my birthday, celebrated with the kids, etc. But, a few days later he gave me a very special birthday card in which he wrote:

Love of my life,

We fit perfect together. Just the right amount of fire & ice, sweet & spicy, go gettin & chill, confidence & uncertainty, patience & impatience and so on and son on and so on. It’s that blend that has birthed 4 babies, thousands of feel good yummy to my tummy moments, a business, and a belief in the future that will be a million times more brighter than our glowing past. Our blend is beautiful baby. It’s unique, it’s special, it’s ours. Guess what….you get to add another year of wisdom, grace, and beauty to it…to us…because you’ve entered the year of 36. 

I love you baby! I truly believe that this year you will be better than you’ve ever been…do more than you ever have, and have more than you’ve ever imagined because you are growing more acquainted with and allowing the energy of the God within you.

I love you.

Need I say more? This brought tears to my eyes. This man inspires me, secures me, and loves me in a way that I can’t even begin to describe.

Husbands/Boyfriends/Significant Others: You have an amazing ability to rock your woman’s world by the things you say (and don’t say), the words you choose, the focus and attention you give her and on and on……it’s the simple and seemingly small things that continue to build and strengthen the bond!

I love you baby!!!!!!!! Thank you for loving me!!!!

My card:  🙂

 

Screen shot 2013-08-22 at 3.08.20 PM

Screen shot 2013-08-22 at 3.12.02 PM 

A Love Letter To My Husband: From Aiyana To Ayize

By Aiyana Ma’at

I wrote this love letter to my husband about 2 years ago. I’ve been in such a lovey dovey mood lately that I decided to print this out today and give it to my boo. After seeing how much it made him smile I thought about how easy it was for me to do that. It can be so easy to make our spouse happy if we just take a minute to pause and remember who they truly are to us and what they mean to us. Decided to run this again in hopes that someone will be inspired to stop, pause, and write a love letter to the one you love…

Ayize doesn’t know I’m doing this but I just had to…. I was so inspired by a song I heard yesterday on one of my Facebook Friends pages. It just made me think about my relationship with my bestfriend, my boy, my confidante, my lover, my husband—Ayize Ma’at and I knew what I needed to do.

Dear Ayize,

I’m taking the time today to make sure you know…… I want you to be ever so clear about the depth of my love for you and my commitment to you, our marriage, and our family. I need you to know the impact you’ve had on my life. Ayize, the love I have for you is overwhelming and indescribable. I heard a song yesterday by Kindred The Family Soul. It’s called “Stars” and I just “felt” it when I heard it. But, the reason I felt it baby is because of you. It’s because of you that the wounds that my “on again, off again” father left early on in my life haven’t stayed as deep and painful as they used to be. It’s because of you that today I can say that I honestly know what it feels like to trust someone completely. It’s because of your willingness to hold on tight and never let go that I know what commitment is really about in the first place. It’s because of your cool calmness that I have been able to really look at myself and learn new ways of being and communicating. It’s because of your ability to affirm me and allow me to be me that I have the self assured confidence that I have about myself….it’s because of you Ayize. When I begin to doubt myself and feel fear creeping up from behind I now know to deliberately stop whatever I’m doing, pause, and say to myself the words you first said to me “Just be”. It’s because you aren’t ashamed to say you love me, respect me, and see greatness in me that it makes it all the more easy for me to look at myself and find the greatness too. It’s because of your honesty with me…your willingness to call me out but then kiss me on the forehead or the nape of my neck that I have been able to learn how to accept and grow from criticism instead of letting it seep into my spirit and kill my self-esteem. It’s because of your vulnerability and your sharing your secrets with me that I feel and know that I’m important enough and worthy to be trusted. I love traveling life’s journey with you baby. So much of who I am today and have yet to be is because of you. Thank you King. I love you. Today. Tomorrow. Forever.

Here are the lyrics that inspired this letter. Listen to the song below.

Listen to the song below…

“We’ve come so far

Stars look up to you, baby

My heart belongs

Right here next to you, baby”

As always, leave a comment or submit a video response. Anyone out there inspired to do their own video love letter to their sweetie? Send it in and we’ll put it up! Here’s the song that inspired my love letter to my husband…..

 

 

 

Previously published. Running again in honor of Black Marriage Day, March 17, 2013!

5 Things Every Woman Should Know

By Lana Moline

I love all the new technology in our ever evolving world.  I find it fascinating that I can video conference in a matter of minutes.  I remember watching movies way back when thinking “wow” when the actors flashed some futuristic gadget.  The ideas seemed so far away and it was hard to imagine technology catching up to the on-screen projections but it has.  Not only has reality caught up but the rapid pace surpasses itself and the latest and newest becomes obsolete in no time.  I try to stay current in part to keep up with my kids because they are absorbing it all quickly but what I have found is that there are still certain basic things that we must know.  Here’s my little list, my soap box of things that every woman should know and none of it has anything to do with fast pace and changing technology.

One of the things that every woman should know is what to do if you blow a fuse.  Locate the fuse box and determine the circuits that are protected by each fuse.  If a coding map isn’t provided for you then create one yourself so you will be prepared for future outages.  Make sure you have the replacements nearby so that may be a trip to Lowe’s or Home Depot to understand exactly what you need.  Take a picture and bring it with you so that the sales person can correctly identify what you need.

Another thing that every woman needs to know is exactly what insurance coverage your family has.  Often times we sign up for a variety of coverage with the intent of sitting down to really “see” what we signed up for.  That’s fine but we can’t forget to get around to doing just that.  It is so important to have clarity when it comes to insurance policies for automobiles, homes and health.  Sometimes you may find that you may not need the type of coverage that you have and can save some money.  Or you may discover that you don’t actually have what you intended to get as companies and carriers change.  Just make sure to spend some time reading the fine print.

Knowing how to change a flat tire can make the world of difference if we find ourselves on the road alone.  A quick change can have us back on the road in a matter of minutes.  Again, visit your local Lowe’s or Home Depot to find a tool kit (I’ve seen pink ones) that will have everything you need in order to change the flat. Keep it in the trunk of your car at all times.

If you have kids then you understand all the expenses that arise in raising them.  Knowing how to cut your son’s hair or style your daughter’s hair can be a huge savings.  Don’t be afraid to give it a shot.  Start off small and do a simple hair cut on your son.  There are a ton of youtube videos that walk you through step by step and the more you do it the better you will become.  It’s also a great way to bond.

Lastly, there is one single thing that I think is one of the most important things that we as women can learn and that is how to cook gravy from scratch.  If we can cook gravy or anything from scratch for that matter, we will never, ever starve.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

Innocent Mistakes Husbands Make That Piss Wives Off

By Ruth Purple

“She is driving me crazy, I’m dying here! What the heck did I do to you now?!” Sound familiar? What you did may be unintentional, so stop pulling at what’s left of your hair.

 

And for whatever its worth, you are not alone in this dilemma. The majority of husbands out there complain that they just don’t get their wives alot of the time. I sympathize with you guys, so to shed some light and prevent further misunderstandings in your relationship and confusion on your part, here are the innocent mistakes that men usually make that upset the women.

 

Being a slob, so please, take care of your appearance. Women in general, take the extra mile to look good for you, the least you can do is to try to put on some good clean pair of pants and we all know that ironing your shirt will not kill you, so take that effort. Yes, your woman will love you no matter what but taking that initiative to look good for her will cause the good mood to last.

Another innocent mistake that you can make to change the mood of your honey bunch from heavenly to scary is to become a preacher when she pours out her problems or dilemma. Most women are not looking for solutions when they divulge their problems, they just want someone to listen and sympathize with them. I know that you mean well and that you are just overwhelmed with concern for her but giving her step by step directions on what she needs to do and how she can solve her problems will do nothing but aggravate her. So when she starts spilling her guts about her predicaments, it’s best to say “that really sucks, honey. I’ m sorry you feel that way, I hope everything will be alright soon.”

Another innocent mistake that men make are to trivialize the bonding moments, bonding moments can be snuggling on the couch watching television or having dinner together in a fancy restaurant or at home. What I mean when I say trivializing these moments is going to sleep during your snuggling time or finishing your meal like you’re a famished person in a rush to go…nowhere. Doing those innocent mistakes will make your woman feel that you don’t want to take the time to spend those “little moments” that makes your relationship different and special.

 

And the worst innocent mistake that you can make is to be clueless and not get the hint when she is in the mood for love. In case you don’t know here are the hints your wife drops when she wants some hot steaming sex tonight- she gives you more soft touches, gives you naughty glances, she wears skimpy and sexy lingerie instead of her usual pj’s, or she talks about the “Brazilian shave” she got this afternoon.

 

These innocent mistakes are the things that annoy women and though these may not really hurt they don’t help either. If you want to make her feel good  now you know what to do.

 

 

Ruth Purple is a Relationship Expert who has been successfully coaching individuals and couples in their relationships. Get A Copy of her sensational ebook on Winning Over Infidelity. Experience a Happier Love Life. You can read more from Ruth at http://www.relazine.com.

Mary Mary Reminds Women To Take Time To Ask The Question “Who Am I, Really?”

By Mary Mary

It’s a question that we’ve all asked ourselves on more than one occasion and during different phases in our lives. Even if we don’t use those same words or don’t verbalize the question out loud, our actions, choices and doubts are fueled by this quest to answer this broad question. We pretty much start wondering this from the time we awkwardly enter the school cafeteria and look for a table where we belong. Trying to figure this out can make us style our hair a certain way, date that boy, break that rule, join that club or pursue that degree. It can ultimately take us to the life we have now.

 

Even as grown women, we still ask it. We just swap the cafeteria for adult circles amongst our friends, colleagues, co-workers and society at large. No matter how many years go by, we still ask: “Who am I, really?” And until we can answer that question, it’s impossible to believe we’re amazing.

 

People can have you thinking that asking this question and searching for the answer is a bad thing, like you’re selfish or something. But I think the desire and drive to figure this out was given to us by God. God knows that the search for that answer will ultimately lead us to who He created us to be — which will naturally lead us to our God-given purpose and fulfillment.

Read more here at ESSENCE 

A Message To Black Women…My Name Is Aiyana And I’m A Recovering Aggressoholic

VIDEO: This is a message to Black Women everywhere. But, more than that this is a Declaration for myself and a Call to Black Women everywhere to take a step back, chill out, calm down, and…shut up…Yeah, I said it. Talk less. Listen more. Stop acting as if the world is conspiring against you! Whoaa! Harsh??? Well, I am black. I am a woman. And, I am loving discovering the softer side of me…

No, She Doesn’t Hate You….It’s Just PMS

By Ruth Purple

You don’t need to remind us or make fun of us when it is the time of the month, because we know! We feel it everywhere in our anatomy. We don’t like at as much as you do! But good for you, you don’t have to suffer from it. Pre-menstrual symptom-PMS or popularly known as “that time of the month.” Women endure it and men are scared of it. Yes, men can have a developed fear of this symptom, because mostly, they take the brunt of the beating, though it’s totally unfair, but it’s pretty much unavoidable since 80% of women suffer from it. And this can cause a strain in your relationship if not properly managed. That being said, it’s best that you should know how to deal with PMS to avoid further trouble in your love life.

Give these few suggestions a shot.

* Include PMS in your schedule. Sounds ridiculous but it works. To steer clear of further conflicts, tears and unnecessary tensions, avoid stressful family events and serious, emotional conversations during PMS time. It usually occurs five days before menses and when the period begins.

* Take natural remedies for PMS. Acupuncture, physical exercise, whole body massage and other relaxation activities are good way to prevent the painful symptoms.

* Have a healthy diet. Stop taking coffee for awhile. Caffeine only aggravates anxiety and depression. It also helps if you stay away from alcohol and start taking more healthy fruits and vegetables.

* Have enough sleep.

* This really helps if you want to avoid being cranky.

* Take a breather. If you are feeling way too emotionally intense, take a breath. Go out and relax, or if you are tires to go out, watch a “feel good” movie at home. The same goes for men, if you think that she is becoming way too unreasonable, take a breather and keep your cool.

* For men, be sensitive. Communicate with her and tell her that you understand her. As mentioned earlier, never make fun of a woman who is suffering from premenstrual symptom. It’s not funny. You have to be aware that suffering from this symptom is a serious matter.

In case these things don’t work for you, keep in mid that this too, shall pass. For men, just try to be a little more considerate and for PMS sufferers, don’t make this condition as an excuse to deliberately throw your tantrums around. Allow your man to help you cope with what you are going through. You and your loved one don’t need to suffer alone in silence.

The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a successful Relationship Coach.

15 Ways To Have A Closer Mother-Daughter Relationship

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Mother-daughter relationships are complex and diverse. Some mothers and daughters are best friends. Others talk once a week. Some see each other weekly; others live in different states or countries. Some spar regularly. Some avoid conflict. Others talk through everything. And undoubtedly, there’s a hint of all these things in most relationships.

There also are ups and downs, no matter how positive (or prickly) the relationship. In her private practice,Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D, psychologist and co-author of I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict, sees three primary complaints that daughters have about their moms: Moms try to parent them and are overly critical and demanding. From moms’ perspective, daughters don’t listen to them, make poor choices and have no time for them.

Whatever your relationship with your mother or daughter, you can always make improvements. Here’s how to enhance your communication and connection and cut down on clashes.

1. Make the first move.

Don’t wait for the other person to make the first move, said Linda Mintle, Ph.D, marriage and family therapist and author of I Love My Mother, But… Practical Help to Get the Most Out of Your Relationship. Doing so inevitably leaves relationships stuck. “Think about how you feel in the relationship and what you can do to change.”

2. Change yourself.

Many think that the only way to improve a relationship is for the other person to change their ways. But you aren’t chained to their actions; you can change your own reactions and responses, Mintle said. Interestingly, this can still alter your relationship. Think of it as a dance, she said. When one person changes their steps, the dance inevitably changes.

3. Have realistic expectations.

Both moms and daughters often have idealistic expectations about their relationship. For instance, kids commonly think their mom will be nurturing and present — always. This idea can develop from an early age. When her kids were young, Mintle found herself setting up this unrealistic belief during their nightly reading time. She’d read a book about a mama bunny who rescued her son every time he ventured out and tried a risky activity, such as sailing or mountain-climbing.

4. Communicate.

Lack of communication is a common challenge with moms and daughters. “In some ways they can be so close or feel so close that they believe that each of them should know how the other one feels,” Cohen-Sandler said. “What happens as a result is they don’t communicate.” Or they communicate harshly, in ways they’d never “dare speak to everyone else,” which causes hurt feelings that “don’t go away so easily,” she said.

Because moms and daughters aren’t mind readers, be clear and calmly state how you’re feeling. Also, speak your “mind in a very heartfelt but gentle manner.” Is your mom treating you like a child? Simply say, “Mom, you’re not treating me like an adult.”

5. Be an active listener.

Active listening is “reflecting back what the other person is saying,” instead of assuming you already know, Cohen-Sandler said. When you reflect back what your mom or daughter is saying, you’re telling her that she’s being heard and that you understand.

Also, listen “to the feelings underlying the message,” which is often the real message, she said. If “mom says, ‘you’re acting like a doormat,’ the daughter hears that as being horribly critical [and that she’s not good enough], but what the mom is really saying is, ‘I feel so protective of you because you’re not protecting yourself.’”

6. Repair damage quickly.

“One of the key principles in sustaining healthy and satisfying marriages is to repair damage quickly,” Mintle said. Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict. They realize conflict is inevitable and they deal with it head on. This applies to mother and daughter relationships, too, she said.

Not resolving conflict can have surprising consequences. “If you don’t deal with your mom (and dad) by resolving conflict, you’re going to carry those same patterns into your future relationships,” whether that’s with your friends, partner or boss, Mintle said.

“Working it out with your mom,” however, is “the best gift you can give to your daughter,” she said.

But pick your battles. If it’s not that important, “Instead of being in a tug of war, just drop the rope,” Mintle said. Case in point: Years ago, Mintle’s mom told her to put a hat on her baby so she didn’t get sick. Instead of arguing about something so small, Mintle put the hat on and moved on.

7. Put yourself in her shoes.

Mintle refers to empathy as “widening the lens.” She uses the analogy of a digital camera, which just offers us a snapshot. But a panoramic lens provides a much wider view, letting us see the object in a larger context.

If you’re a daughter, think of your mom as a woman with her “own wounds and hurts,” who was born and raised in a different generation with different values and difficult family relationships and issues, Mintle said.

As such, address your mom or daughter’s feelings with empathy and offer a compromise, Cohen-Sandler suggested. If mom really wants to hang out, instead of saying “Stop asking me, you know I’m busy,” say, “I know how much you want to meet with me, and I wish I could but I can’t do it this week; can we do it next week?”

8. Learn to forgive.

Forgiveness is “an individual act,” Mintle said. It differs from reconciliation, which takes both people and isn’t always possible. Forgiving someone isn’t saying that what happened is OK. It’s not condoning, pardoning or minimizing the impact, she said.

Mintle views forgiveness as key for well-being. “I’m constantly telling daughters you have to forgive your mom in order to be healthy.” “The power of forgiveness is really for the person who forgives.”

(On a related note, “the better you can forgive, the better you can repair damage quickly,” Mintle said.)

9. Balance individuality and closeness.

It can be challenging for daughters to build their own identities. Sometimes daughters think that in order to become their own person, they must cut off from their moms, Mintle said. Or, quite the opposite, they’re so fused that they’re unable to make decisions without her input, she said. Both are clearly problematic.

But daughters can find their voices and identities within the relationship. We learn how to deal with conflict and negative emotions through our families, Mintle said. “You don’t grow and develop and become your own person void of relationships.”

So how can you strike a balance between staying connected and still being true to yourself? “You can take any position on any powerful issue and hold your own and not become defensive and angry. It’s this balance of connection and separateness,” Mintle said.

Mintle and her mom had a positive relationship but sometimes struggled with this balance. When Mintle was a well-established professional in her 30s, her mom would still tell her what to do. Every time she’d visit, she’d say, “Linda, it’s getting late, it’s time for you to go to bed.” Mintle recalled being furious with her mom and unloading her frustrations on her husband. Then, she realized that she had to talk to her mom in a different way. The next night her mom said the same thing, Mintle used humor: “Mom, if you hadn’t been there, I probably would’ve stayed up all night.” “I need to back off, don’t I?” her mom responded.

 CLICK HERE to read more.

Love Poem: “Vacationing In You”

 By Lana Moline

As I sit and stare into your eyes I am vacationing in you. I am soaring on the coast on a jet ski because your beautiful brown eyes sparkle like rippling waves. As I listen to you talk, I am reminded of a smooth jazz fest on an Autumn night – just smooth. Every word in sync, every idea expounds on the other all put together like the best combination of strings, base, percussion and you as lead vocalist. I hear the train conductor call all aboard as you ask “are you with me” because I’ve dazed off so far into your words. My eyes are closed but I’m not asleep. I’m just envisioning you perform amidst the rose petal covered stage, donned in a tailored tuxedo singing love songs to me and only me. I hear the applause and smile because, Jill Scott was right – “I’m blessed.”

 

This is the kind of vacation that makes me not want to return to work. I want to stay as long as I can to take in your splendor, just like a wonder of the world. You are too amazing. I’ve never seen anyone like you. I’ve never known anyone like you. I’ve never experienced anything like you. You are breathtaking and invigorating and I have a feeling I will need something cool to drink in a minute. Here comes the waiter now, maybe I’ll order something tropical since I’m on the Island of Love or maybe it’s too late because it seems like I’ve already had something intoxicating. I’m spinning like the wheels on this boat as we sail further away from the shore so no one will hear. When we reach the shore, we are greeted by the islanders and whisked off to dancing and dinner and hours of delight.

 

On the dance floor, you reach out for me and we move in step and suddenly it feels like no one else is there. It’s like I am flying high above the clouds as the flight attendant asks if I need anything. But I have everything that I need already. I look out and see our future written in the sky next to that ribbon that Stevie was singing about and for a while we coast, hand in hand with our seats leaned back just enjoying our flight with no cares, leaving the worries behind. The destination is incidental, it’s the journey that’s most important and making sure that we both arrive together. As I head to baggage claim to pick up my things, I smile and say “thank you for the vacation of a lifetime. It was more than I imagined it would be.

When can we go again?”

 

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her at Lana Moline Speaks.

What “Being A Wife” Really Means

By Lana Moline

As a wife of 12 years, when I hear ladies say that they just want to be married I wonder what that means.  In our 12 years we have seen so many ups and downs and I think I have just reached a point of beginning to understand what being a wife truly means.  I fell in love with a man and we got married and began to build a life.  However, I did not truly consider the responsibilities and obligations that  are included in this role.  Of course I expected to be by his side, support him and encourage his success but I didn’t really know how engrossed my life would become with his and yet while that is the case, he would still depend on my ability to stand as a strong woman.  That’s a fine line that bears a lot of work.

I’ve realized that his desire every day to put his best foot forward is sparked by my desire to be all that I can.  It is like igniting and maintaining a fire that can withstand the wind.  Wives don’t really have the option of checking out of life or not having a plan.  Wives must have a vision of being fruitful and multiplying because they are the mothers of the earth.  I am not specifically speaking in terms of having kids but what I am saying is that wives are responsible for nurturing dreams and preserving hope at all costs.  Sometimes that may mean putting on the hat of tough love, which I admit that in my relationship it is a little challenging for me.  Come on, I don’t want to be the one who tells my husband that he may need to improve on something but as his wife, I’m his last look in the mirror before he leaves out the door.  So he depends on me for the truth.  It’s easy to stay in the girlfriend role and canoodle all day long but as a wife, I’ve got to keep it moving.

The security that comes with being a wife is priceless and when I think about the fact that woman was created from the rib of the man,  I can’t help but think about the function of the rib.  From all accounts of the sources that I have researched, a rib provides support and protection for the entire body.  So I encourage any single sister who consider themselves rib material to examine all that you bring to the table.  It extends far beyond accomplishments.  It’s about your willingness to follow through in tough times, your ability to nurse someone when the wounds are not physical and your tenacity in being a life coach for someone who you are in love with.  So here’s the caveat, it is imperative that you balance all of the things that I just mentioned all while taking excellent care of yourself because you would not be up for this lifelong challenge if you are not in optimal shape.  Take your time and prepare yourself to be the top of the line, PRIME RIB.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.