Are Kindness And Tenderness Signs Of Weakness?

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By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution.”~Kahlil Gibran

Over the 42 years that I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have heard countless times:

“If I cry in movies people will think I’m weak.”

“If I’m kind, people will take advantage of me.”

“If I’m gentle, people will see me as weak instead of powerful.”

“Being emotional is a sign of weakness.”

It is always sad to me when I hear people say this. I can easily identify with them, as I was also brought to believe that kindness, tenderness, and deep feelings were signs of weakness.

What is particularly sad to me is that the exact opposite is true.

Is it strength or weakness to have your heart open, rather than closed and protected against your fears of rejection?

Is it a sign of personal power or a sign of weakness when you put up walls of anger and judgment to protect yourself from being taken advantage of?

Inner strength is about knowing and valuing who you are – what is good and wonderful about you, what is true for you, what is in integrity for you. When you know these things about yourself, you no longer take rejection personally. You are no longer vulnerable to compromising yourself to please others. You can now keep your heart open to love, compassion, kindness and tenderness toward yourself and others because your fears of rejection and engulfment are gone.

This is strength. This is personal power.

When you have this inner strength, you can cry when you are moved without worrying about what anyone else will think, because you know that what they think of you is more about them than about you.

Weakness is about making others responsible for your sense of self-worth. Weakness stems from refusing to take responsibility for defining your own self-worth. Once you make others responsible for defining whether you are weak or strong, okay or not okay, competent or incompetent, worthy or unworthy, lovable or unlovable, then you have to constantly try to control what they think of you. That’s when you might be afraid to cry when you are moved, or be kind and gentle with yourself or others, for fear of others’ judgment of you.

Inner strength is about taking away others’ authority to judge you and giving that authority to the only entity who actually has that authority – your own spiritual Guidance.

Twenty-five years ago I learned how to have a deep and consistent connection with my personal spiritual Guidance. This connection was so profound for me that I quickly understood that only my personal spiritual Guidance knows everything about me and can define my true Self and sense of worth.

Do you know how to have this connection? It’s not as hard as you may think. I teach people every day to have this profound connection with their inner authority. It is this connection that gives you the strength to be kind, loving, compassionate and gentle without fearing rejection, judgment, or losing oneself through being controlled by another.

The key to having this profound connection is your intent. As long as your intent is to control what others think of you and to get love rather than to be loving, this connection will elude you. When you shift your intent from controlling/protecting/avoiding to learning about what is in your highest good and the highest good of all, you will discover the loving Guidance that is always here for you. This is the pathway to personal power – and to loving kindness.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Discover real love and intimacy! Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer:http://innerbonding.com/relationshipmicro/relationship-micro-1/ and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.

Love Is Not A Feeling. It Is A Way Of Behaving.

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By Team BLAM

Love is sometimes the choice to go against your feelings. It’s similar to what I do every morning when I get up. I don’t know about you, but If I get out of bed in the mornings because I “felt” like getting out of bed, I’d pretty much never get up. Almost every morning, including this morning, I go against my feelings, get up, do something I think to be good, and before the day is over, I feel good about having done it. Love is not a feeling. Feelings follow behavior; therefore, loving feelings follow loving behavior. Loving actions on my part not only bring me positive feelings about myself, but, they will stimulate positive feelings inside of your partner.

Some may question the concept of showing intentional love to someone you’re really going through it with. Is it really realistic to show intentional love to someone you can honestly say you don’t like and are starting to resent? You have negative feelings, but you are doing or saying something positive.

The scholar C.C. Lewis once said:

The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering with whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you love someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less.

Remember BLAM Fam, people seldom drift to success. Loves takes effort. Our relationships are here to grow us, pleasure us, reward us, and challenge us. You want a strong relationship? Then act like it and the love will truly follow.

Adapted from How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk by John Van Epp, Ph.D.

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Healthy Marriages and the Hard Work

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by Jonathan Pope

Some say that the institution of marriage is based on prehistoric concepts and expectations. Others say that there is a need for new negotiations, ideologies and concepts of marriage and what it means in the 21st century. I’m not sure if those sentiments are true, but sometimes I wonder. What I do know is that complacency and taking your spouse for granted, will lead to a slow deterioration of your marriage. This is a fact, no matter how antiquated the ideology.

The key is consistency; however, it is HARD WORK. Let’s be honest, show me a relationship where a couple is ALWAYS communicating; ALWAYS romantic; ALWAYS loving; ALWAYS understanding, ALWAYS forgiving and I would expect you to direct me to a TV Land episode of ‘The Cosby Show”.  I’m sure you would agree that Cliff and Claire had a special something, something, when it came to their televised marriage. Don’t get me wrong; I loved their relationship. However, as we continue to praise that show for its positive messages and excellent family example for African Americans; it still presented a false sense of consistency. After we turn off the television and snap back to the real world, consistency is hard work. However, I do stand firm in the belief that consistency is essential and worth the struggle toward perfection.

Below are five tips that may be helpful in your journey toward a healthy marriage with consistency.

Five Tips to Promote Consistency

  1. Refresh your Memory – Often times we forget about the sweet things or the thoughtful gestures we did during what I call the “Unconscious Stage” (usually the first couple of years). Pull out some old photos/videos or cards and refresh your mind and spirit with how you felt about your spouse in the beginning years.
  2. Communicate – Circumstances, maturation and experiences most often change a person; which in turn affects perspective. More specifically, what you thought was acceptable to your spouse all of these years, may not be considered acceptable right now. Communication will minimize the surprise of new expectations. Also, renegotiate the terms of your marriage, with what mutually works and what doesn’t work.
  3. Listen – Active listening is a seldom used art form in marriages, especially with those who have been together for a number of years. Normally, when one person is talking, the other is preparing their response, instead of listening. Active listening requires your undivided attention, patience and focus. This will enable you to receive exactly what your spouse is trying to convey. Remember, “understanding” is one of the goals of a conversation. If your spouse feels misunderstood, especially when you have failed to listen, the connection will be lost and that can lead to more challenges.
  4. Self Awareness – self evaluation is a key ingredient to growth and prosperity. Always check in with yourself. Take the time everyday to think about what you are doing, what you have done and what you can change for the better. As you perform maintenance on the inside, the fruits of that hard work will manifest on the outside.

5.  Date your Spouse – planning time together along with doing what you enjoy, can go a long way toward a healthy marriage. Create a favorites lists including, but not limited to, foods, hobbies, places to visit, travel destinations and romance. However, the key is to stay consistent!

Jonathan Pope is a freelance writer, professional actor and co-host of the J and T Show found on www.blogtalkradio.com/jandtshow. Jonathan has been married for fifteen years to his college sweetheart. Both are happily raising their two daughters in the DC/MD area.


How Well Do You Know Your Spouse?

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By Sheri and Bob Stritof

Your relationship is not DEAD! It is living, breathing, and requires your time, attention, and love in order to be successful.  In order for this to occur it’s important that you make yourself “available” to your spouse and endeavor to create a “safe space” so that your spouse will feel more comfortable being “available” to you.

No matter how long you’ve been together, there are always more things to learn about one another.  Knowing more about your spouse may assist you in taking your relationship to the next level.

If the two of you disagree on some of these statements, talk about them in more depth. You may find that you will just have to agree to disagree now and then!

I prefer red wine to white wine.

I squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube.

Valentine’s Day is important to me.

I prefer cats to dogs for house pets.

I do not want animals as house pets.

I enjoy cooking.

~ ~ ~ ~

I think it is OK to ask our parents for advice in financial matters.

I prefer waterbeds to regular beds.

Quality time to me is the two of us alone.

I want children right away – at least within the first three years.

It is all right for a couple to live together before marriage.

I would like to have a child of my own sex even if it means trying again after we have reached the number of children that we have agreed on.

~ ~ ~ ~

I want a one level house.

I like to tell gross jokes.

I would be open to adoption if we can’t conceive children on our own.

Smoking bothers me.

We will mutually decide on our children’s names.

I prefer reading to watching TV.

~ ~ ~ ~

It is OK to charge things like clothes, travel and other expenses on charge cards and carry the credit balance for a few months before paying it off.

Hair left on soap in the shower bothers me.

I enjoy improving my home with paintings, sculptures, etc.

I like apples more than oranges.

I like my home to be a place where friends gather informally.

I obey the posted speed limit.

~ ~ ~ ~

I would shower together with my spouse.

I’m an impulsive spender.

I believe we will save more than $200 from our income each month.

It is important that we eat dinner together as a family.

I would not mind vacationing by myself sometimes.

I would enjoy visiting an art museum.

~ ~ ~ ~

My fiance will say that I get along well with his/her parents.

I see nothing wrong with the man being the primary cook in our house.

I don’t like anyone to use my pen.

I would rather be cremated than buried.

We should make a will within six months of marriage.

I would be willing to move to advance my spouse’s career.

~ ~ ~ ~

I save recyclable materials.

Both of us should work after we have children.

The most important thing we can give our children is security.

I like to watch TV in bed.

I would prefer attending a party to reading.

I enjoy dinner by candlelight.

~ ~ ~ ~

Asking for a date is only a man’s prerogative.

We will open our gifts on Christmas Eve.

I am sometimes the life of the party.

I feel comfortable discussing sex.

I believe that clothes should be separated by fabric and/or color before washing.

I believe prayer is an important part of my life.

~ ~ ~ ~

I like beards on men.

There is a correct way to hang toilet paper.

I like to watch sports on TV.

I like meat and potatoes better than casserole.

I believe that clothes should be line-dried rather than machine dried.

Good sex ends in mutual climax.

~ ~ ~ ~

I enjoy country music.

Religious training is important for children.

We will open a joint bank account.

I like ketchup on eggs.

I believe regular church attendance is important.

I believe that the toilet should be covered by the lid when not in use.

~ ~ ~ ~

If there is something between us we should talk it out before having sex.

I enjoy dinner by candlelight.

I prefer to live in a condo or apartment rather than an individual house.

I prefer comedy movies to horror movies.

It will be OK to borrow money from our parents if we need to.

I enjoy classical music.

~ ~ ~ ~

Religion should play an important part in one’s life.

When I get mad, I need time to cool down, then I can talk.

Excessive drinking is always unacceptable.

The word later can mean more than one day.

I prefer chocolate much more than vegetables.

I think it is OK to call mom once a day to chat and see how things are going.

~ ~ ~ ~

I am more of a leader than a follower.

Sex is the most important factor in a successful relationship.

I find profanity in a social gathering objectionable.

We will both be involved in cooking, house cleaning, laundry and yard work.

I believe that prayers are answered.

Infidelity is grounds for divorce.

~ ~ ~ ~

I like to sleep in the nude.

I believe we both should have life insurance and should buy it asap.

It is important that we attend church together on a regular basis.

I want a pet.

We will have sex whenever I want to.

Warmth and affection are important in a happy marriage.

Sheri and Bob Stritof have been the About.com Marriage experts since 1997. They’ve been married for 47 years and bring firsthand experience and passion to their writing about marriage.

Constantly Turn Toward Each Other Rather Than Away

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By Dov Heller, MA

When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give him a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in his ear — or do you just walk on by? This is the meaning of “turning toward” as opposed to “turning away.”

Happily married couples have ways to constantly be emotionally close to each other.

Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.

One big way happy couples turn toward each other is by doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning a new language together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other.

Couples who “turn away” from each other don’t develop closeness. So, do a self check and ask yourself are you turning toward your spouse or away with your daily interactions?

No matter what the answer is, when you finish reading this find your boo (even if they’re not with you) and turn toward them by letting them know they were on your mind…

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

Your Marriage Is Important To Me And My Marriage

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By Shanta

Life is full of challenges and ultimately the decisions we make regarding these situations determine if we’ll make it through. Curve balls are thrown and feelings change, friends and lovers grow apart, schedules get more hectic and life happens.  Through it all you need to make your marriage a priority, not just the marriage, but the relationship you have with your partner.  Taking time to talk with them, have fun together and to nurture one another is essential. But what happens when neither of you feel like working on it, you’re both so tired, or so fed up that you can’t or won’t take the time to look at your relationship to see where work could be put in?  That is when you need friends, specifically married friends, who want to see your marriage succeed.  Like minded people with similar goals generally tend to support one another and encourage positive outcomes in others lives.

Earlier this year, I was getting ready to attend a marriage gala and I offered a friend and his wife tickets to the event, however when I finally reached him, he told me they were separating that very week.  I was sick, because the reason given to me was “I fell out of love with her”.  Seriously?!! I was hurt for her as much as him.  There were some extenuating circumstances, but with friends and counseling the events possibly could have been prevented.  I made it known to my friend that I thought he should take some time and try to work on his marriage, but he was pained and not open to the possibility of reconciliation.

This is an old friend of mine, I’ve known him longer than my husband and he is honestly one of my oldest and dearest friends, which is why I was so hurt.  Over the years, we haven’t made as much time for one another as we used to, so we don’t talk like we once did, so I didn’t know the ends and out of his marriage, nor he mine.  However I felt, had we been more open to one another as couples we could have helped each other avoid the pitfalls we found ourselves in.   The same is true of all marriages, and I am fortunate that I have friends that believe the same thing.

Our marriages are not important to just our families, but for our childrens’ future families.  What chance do they have of keeping a marriage together if half the ones they know of personally end in divorce?  And I’m not talking about divorce due to abuse, I’m talking about the “irreconcilable differences” and the “I fell out of love with them” splits.

Marriage takes work, and there are days when I have to work super hard to stay with my husband, because though I may love him, he sure can get on my last nerve, and I know the feeling is mutual.  My sister  wives have had experiences that I may not have, and they are able to share with me from their experience, and I can share from mine.  The key element of it all is SHARING.  We cannot be ashamed of our circumstances, or  timid in creativity for keeping our marriages whole.  Please know that your marriage is important to me, even if only for selfish reasons…It might save mine…or my child may marry yours.   We have to work together to keep our marriages strong and I pray that you take me seriously and become a friend of your friends marriages.

Back to my friend and his wife.  I had told my mother about this friend, because she knows him too, and in my mothers fashion, she summoned him.  She declared they were to have lunch because she needed to talk with him about this decision, (my mother divorced my stepdad 3 years ago), and she had her own insights to offer.  Well upon my delivering this message for her, my friend informed me that he and his wife were going to attend counseling.  I felt like this was a win… a small battle, but a victory none the less, and a “W” is a “W”.  I’ll take it.

If your marriage is in trouble, reach out to a like-minded friend whose marriage and yours are a priority.  It may make the difference of your life.

Until next time,
Be Blessed

Shanta is a Stay-At-Home-Mom, wife, sister, and friend just navigating the waves of life. She is a artist, teacher, arts enthusiast, idealist, realist, future shaper and trend setter.  You can check out more of her work at LifeAsIKnow.com

This Is How I Made My Husband Love Me Again

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By Leslie Cane

I’m sometimes contacted by wives and asked questions like: “My husband has made it very clear that he doesn’t love me anymore. He told me he is considering a divorce which I definitely don’t want. For the most part, we are compatible and don’t argue or fight. It’s not that we have huge issues to overcome. It’s just that he’s convinced himself that he no longer loves me. Is there any way that I can make him love me again? Because I feel sure that if he could get the feelings back then we could be very happy. But, for whatever reason, he now believes that he’s just not “in love” with me anymore. How can I change his mind?”

Of course, these are very loaded questions. The answers depend upon the people involved and the situation. However, there are very often common themes that come up time and time again in these situations. And many of these things can be worked out as long as one spouse is willing and able to make some very concentrated efforts to change and improve things. In the following article, I will discuss various ways that I’ve seen wives successfully make their husbands fall back in love with them. (It might be better to use the word encourage as the “make” sounds like you are forcing someone to do something.)

You Can Sometimes Make Your Husband Love You Again By Changing The Way That He Feels About Himself: I know that that phrase may sound a bit strange but please hear me out. Yes, when you are your husband met there was chemistry. Your personalities blended and there were things about you that he adored and vice verse. These things likely did not go away.

And consider this. When you first met and were “falling in love,” part of the reason that this happened was because you made each other feel special, loved, unique, and understood. In short, he made you feel as though you were a better person. He saw something special in you. The same is true for him. You made him feel desirable, heard, blessed, and adored. This can make you feel as though you on top of the world, which is why “falling in love” is absolute bliss.

That’s not to say that you don’t or didn’t have special qualities that matched up perfectly with his. You did. But a big part of what came out of this was the fact that the feelings between you made each person feel that much better about themselves. As a result, every one was on their best behavior because no one wanted to put a dent in what was happening. So, the good behavior, enhanced self esteem, and feeling special were all things that fed on themselves to continue the cycle.

But, after you have been married for a while, sometimes some part of life gets in the way of this cycle. And, as a result, the way that your husband feels about himself, his life, and the world around him might also change. As a result of all these things, he might perceive that his feelings about you have changed as well. But, what he hasn’t yet realized is that a huge part of this is that his feelings about himself have very drastically changed (which is often a big part of the problem.) He likely no longer feels as though he is on top of the world. He may no longer feel adored or special.

Many husbands tell me that they now feel like “providers” rather than “lovers.” They will often tell me things like: “I used to make my wife laugh like no one else. She used to listen to me for hours. Today, our conversations are about our house, our kids, and our jobs. Many of these things are related to chores and obligations, which doesn’t invoke nearly as much laughter. I miss it, but I’m afraid it’s gone for good.”

I believe that the real key in making him love you again is making your actions and your behaviors once again influence how he feels about himself. In this way, his feelings then transfer back to how he feels about you. So how do you do this? You change your focus and your priorities until you see some meaningful improvements. You return to that light hearted, flirty, funny, happy go lucky girl who always had time to listen to him, laugh with him, and to show him how much he meant to you. Wives often tell me that this is going to feel awkward and they think that it might be too late for this. But at least commit to giving this a try. What is the worst thing that can happen? What husband is not going to enjoy more attention and efforts?

With these things said though, you want to be able to act in a genuine way. Insincerity is insulting and will usually fall flat. If you get to a a point where you fear that you’re coming off as fake, back up just a little bit. This needs to be a gradual process anyway because you want for it to contribute to real and meaningful changes.

If You Don’t Love Yourself (And Conduct Yourself With Confidence And Respect,) Getting Your Husband To Love You Again May Be More Difficult: You know the old saying “you can’t give away what you don’t have?” Well, that saying is very relevant when you are trying to restore your husband’s love. The perceptions that you’re giving off right now are so important. If you even allude to the fact that you don’t think you’re lovable or good enough for him, then he is most certainly going to pick up on this.

You must portray quiet confidence that you are the right woman for him and that he will eventually come to know this, even if that means taking a break or backing off for a while. I know that it can be so tempting to repeatedly ask for reassurance or to ask what you might need to do get him to love you again, but all of these things can diminish your worth in his eyes and might only make the problem worse. Right now, you really need to take care of yourself and set it up so that you can in good faith put a smile on your face. If you have to fake this at first (until you gain more confidence) then consider doing so.

You need to portray the best, most confident and alluring version of yourself while you are focusing on the other part of the plan. Yes, I know that your circumstances have changed and that you don’t have the kind of free time that you used to have. But, I am fairly certain that your basic human needs have not changed. Always remember that husbands and wives really do want the same things. Everyone wants to feel loved. Everyone wants to feel heard and appreciated. And every one wants to feel special. If you can incorporate these basic needs into your actions, I strongly suspect you will see some drastic improvements.

The woman that he fell in love with hasn’t gone anywhere. She was probably staring back at you in the mirror this morning. She may be discouraged. She may be tired. She may be hurting. But, she’s still there. It’s just time to dust her off, pick her up, and reintroduce her to your husband.

It’s very easy to feel insecure, to worry, and to make finding a way to get him to love you again your sole purpose. But I strongly feel (from experience) that there’s a better way. It took me entirely too long too learn it, but I eventually did. And it helped me save my marriage. I was eventually able to restore my husband’s love and to not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
Leslie Cane’s blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others
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Commitment: The Essential Ingredient In Your Relationship

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By Richard Nicastro

Anyone who has run a marathon knows about commitment. To compete, the athlete relies on extensive training and physical fitness. But when the initial enthusiasm wanes and the painful, long-distance realities grip the runner’s body, it is sheer dedication–commitment to completing what she started–that sustains the runner’s motivation as she reaches for the finish line.

A relationship is a lot like running a marathon. There are highs and lows, challenges and rewards, and times when you may want to give up–when it feels too difficult to continue. What will keep you on track and moving forward when your relationship hits the inevitable rough patch? Will love be enough?

Commitment: Your relationship lifeline

Commitment is a belief in relationship permanence and the understanding that at times your union will need a life-jacket to stay afloat.

When you and your partner are committed to the relationship, the union remains more important then your (and your partner’s) individual needs. Without mutual commitment, deep trust will never take root and intimacy will wither. When one person’s commitment is tenuous, the very fabric of the relationship is weakened. A lack of commitment reduces the buffer that holds relationships together during times of conflict and stress. Imagine living with the fear that periodic slumps in your relationship can cause your partner to bail.

Trust and deep intimacy will only grow in the soil of commitment

Commitment has a dual role in your relationship. You can view commitment as the vehicle to help deepen your love, and you can also view it as a safety net of sorts, a way to protect your marriage or relationship during the difficult periods that each and every relationship experiences.

Commitment allows love and intimacy to mature over time. Someone who ends a relationship because the excitement of new love has diminished misses out on the opportunities that relationships bring for individual and mutual growth.

Some erroneously believe that a commitment like “till death do us part” means foolishly locking yourself into a life-time of potential unhappiness. No one should commit to a relationship that cannot meet their needs. Your needs (and your partner’s needs) do matter and should be part of the overall commitment equation. But life and relationships are complicated, and there will be stretches of time when your partner does not meet your needs (and you will not meet your partner’s needs). Commitment is what will get you through those rough stretches, enabling each of you to get back on track in meeting each other’s needs once again.

All couples (married and unmarried) face an enormous challenge: How to stay devoted to one another throughout the life of your relationship, even when early enthusiasm and euphoria naturally wane.

Commitment is a very personal process. Unfortunately, for some it will mean blind dedication to a union that rarely meets their needs; while others eschew commitment and impulsively use the ebb and flow of happiness as the gauge whether to stay or leave. Both of these approaches are flawed. Ideally, commitment will remain in place as happiness comes and goes and your relationship finds its footing along life’s shifting terrain.

Commitment checklist:

Commit to ________:

…understanding that love grows and deepens over a lifetime

…acknowledging that all relationships go through ups and downs

…continuously working toward a meaningful relationship that will transcend momentary happiness

…working through problems with your partner (while resisting the temptation to get your needs met outside of the relationship)

…finding solutions that will keep your relationship moving forward

…compromising (even when you think you’re right)

…yourself and the relationship

Don’t commit to ________:

…anything that feels abusive

…always sacrificing what’s most important to you

…the idea that if your relationship requires hard work it means your relationship is flawed

…the mindset that it’s acceptable for your needs to continuously go unmet

One of the greatest challenges to commitment lies in the instant-gratification mindset–the idea that you deserve to have what you want when you want it. The settings to our pleasure barometer have been altered and humans are less willing to deal with frustrating circumstances or anything that feels like it stands in the way of immediate happiness. This poses a problem for relationships.

When you make decisions about your relationship based solely on the need to feel happy (all the time), you abandon commitment and the rich opportunities that are essential for your relationship to grow.

I invite you to think about what commitment means to you. What you are committing to in your marriage or relationship?

To discover many practical tips for a stronger relationship, visit Dr. Nicastro’s website at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for his FREE monthly newsletter.

Is It Time To “Check In”…Is It Time To “Connect”?

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VIDEO:  Every now and then we take a time out from answering the many questions we have about relationships and intentionally choose to “check in” on camera.  In this video we definitely “check in” with each other as we talk about the great “connecting” we’ve been doing lately.  We encourage yall to check in with your spouse from time to time so that you can stay in tune and in touch with each other.

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 CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE to have an opportunity to TELL YOUR STORY ABOUT INFIDELITY ON NATIONAL T.V.

CLICK HERE to learn how to COMMUNICATE BETTER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

Surviving The Storm In Your Marriage

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By Mark Webb

Every marriage will go through times of challenge. Some marriages will be strengthened while others will be destroyed. Tough times may be as common as financial problems or the aftermath of a hurtful argument. Marriages may suffer as the result of a miscarriage or the death of a loved one. Whatever challenge you face, remember this:

It is better to be prepared for tough times and not have them than to have tough times and not be prepared.

Here are five of the essential principles to strengthen your relationship and give you an edge during times of adversity.

1) Be Mindful Not To Worry. If something needs to be fixed, fix it if you can but remember that worry never fixes anything. Worrying is a waste of time and energy. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere. Worry prevents you from seeing hope and solutions. Besides, most things we worry about never happen.

2) Be Patient Towards Your Partner. Patience is an excellent remedy for the tough times you will go through. You love your partner so don’t choose the moments of crisis to come down on them. Don’t let stress sway you into losing perspective. Realize that if you are not careful, adversity can damage your relationship. Stay away from blaming, using criticism to make a point, lecturing, sarcasm and name calling. Everything becomes possible again when love and patience are present.

3) Practice Forgiveness…It is amazing how quickly someone will turn on the person they love. Don’t let upset feelings infect your relationship. Resentments close the door on the possibility of a bright future. Love is a continous act of forgiveness. Everybody likes the idea of forgiveness until they have to be the one to forgive. If you want your relationship to be better than most, you must instill this habit of forgiveness.

4) Use Your Sense Of Humor. A laughing couple is much stronger than an arguing or withdrawn couple. If you can find humor in the challenge you are facing you can survive it. Laughter dissapates hopelessness. You cannot argue and laugh at the same time. It is impossible. The choice is up to you.

5) Vow To Stay Connected. Stand together against adversity. Promise to endure throughout the storms that most likely will come your way at some point or another. Staying connected takes practice. People commonly choose to withdraw from each other at times of trouble. This distance may feel safer but it does long term damage to the relationship. If you truly love your partner then vow “We will get through this, Together!”

You are the only one who is responsible for your character. Do not let other people or circumstances determine your actions. If there is goodness in your relationship, then it is worth fighting for. Give your partner a message of committed reassurance. Let them know, “I’m Here For You.” and “We Will Get Through This.”

Things To Keep In Mind During The Tough Times

1) Don’t blame each other for the situation.

2) Lower your expectations of one another until the crisis subsides. Eat leftovers or fastfood. Don’t worry too much about the housework.

3) Remind yourself that the tough times won’t last forever.

4) Don’t take advice from people who have a negative attitude.

5) Ask for help from family and friends.

6) Remember your love and commitment to each other.

7) It’s okay to let the answering machine take your calls.

8) Reduce your stress by exercising and getting plenty of sleep.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships?. You can visit his website at Powerfulrelationshipadvice.com