Arguing Can Steal Your Love And Your Life

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By Denis Francis

Arguments are a complete waste of emotional and physical energy. They make us emotional and physically ill. Many people die from heart attacks and strokes while arguing. People can lose control and physically hurt or kill another person when arguing. The common physical response to stressful situations such as arguing is increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, increased respiration, increased cortisol production. All which contribute to illness and death. Ultimately then, arguing slowly wears on our physical well being and is certainly a waste of our time and energy

Does arguing ever solve an issue? How can it when the arguers are caught up in the emotion of anger instead of listening and resolve.

Arguing can become such a habit between couples that they can never resolve any differences, thus they grow apart. Constant arguers seek to control and dominate. They are all about imposing themselves on others. For them, logic, truth, intelligence, facts and even your point of view doesn’t really come into it. Interestingly, underneath their tough and, or, aggressive exterior, they are often insecure, fearful and weak. Just simply feel they are better than the other person and they have to win the argument.

The only person you can control is yourself. Find a better way to resolve issues. It is a challenge, but worth the effort to learn new ways to settle problems. Agreeing to disagree is always a good start. This cools the air, and allows two or more people to have a calm discussion, or even drop the subject that is disagreed upon. Another way to not argue is to just say, “can we talk about this at another time when we’ve both cooled off and had time to think it over?” Then walk away peacefully. Remember, arguing is always a waste of time.

Children are taught to argue at early ages, when that is all they hear. Babies and young children find arguing between adults frightening. Children mimic what they see and hear. They can be prone to angry outbursts if that is what they see regularly with adults. Angry outbursts between parents seen regularly can stunt psychological growth in children. Children are born to be in happy, peaceful environments to thrive. When brought up around arguing and bickering on a regular basis they will either have angry outbursts, become withdrawn, or fearful of other playmates.

Even unborn babies in the womb can feel stress from the mother. They can hear the voices that are speaking outside of the womb and of course, their mother’s voice, and can even cry before they are born. My new granddaughter came out of the womb literally yelling at times instead of crying. Her parents argued constantly while my daughter was pregnant, I am sorry to say. My granddaughter is 3 months old and is vocalizing by yelling. I had never seen a baby do this before. I can only believe that she was influenced by her parents and that is the result. ( I cautioned them about their arguing during the pregnancy, but to no avail.)

We never think about losing someone close to us after an argument. Life is unpredictable, and you never know when the end may come. I lost my late husband a few years ago unexpectedly. It was the worst traumatic experience in my entire life. We had not ever really argued, thank God. We had only been married a short time and were in our newlywed phase which probably spared us from arguing. But I thought about what if we had argued about something and then he passed away. How I would have hated myself for it. Until you have lost a loved one, you may never really ponder this, but I am here to tell you that, that is why arguing is a complete waste of precious time.

We are human beings and prone to arguments. I will not deny this. I am now remarried and my husband and I try very hard to never argue. We like to agree to disagree or settle our differences with calm resolve. If we do get angry, we forgive each other right away and do not let the disagreement linger. This has made for a wonderful relationship.

This article was written to deal with verbal arguments only. Physical violence and abuse is a totally different subject.

Arguing makes us and others feel sick. It is in reality a total waste of time and energy. There are better ways to solve problems than arguing. It is a learning process and an effort on one’s part to not argue. If arguing is your thing, get psychological help to overcome this habit.

The Difference Between Offensive & Defensive Players In Relationships

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By Dwayne L. Buckingham

From personal and professional experiences, I have come to understand that relationships are only as successful as the players who establish and participate in them. I have also come to understand that the lack of understanding of the differences between offensive players and defensive players in relationships can cause and/or contribute to all out warfare and unhappiness in a relationship.

 

Relationships typically consist of 2 players who either take on one role or in some cases two roles. However, regardless of the nature or number of roles individuals play in their relationships, usually the goal of both players is to feel safe and to be happy. This is where things get complicated and tricky. Depending on individuals’ past relationship experiences their ability to feel safe and be happy will look totally different. Research has shown that individuals’ past experiences and coping styles often influence the kind of player they become. For example, individuals who have experienced relationship hardship and have unsuccessfully resolved it are more likely to become defensive players. On the other hand, individuals who have experienced relationship hardship and have successfully resolved it are more likely to become offensive players.

 

Understanding the kind of player you are and learning to identify the kind of player with whom you desire to have a relationship with is critical to your relationship prosperity and happiness. Each player may have different means or ways that influence how he or she may achieve his or her goal of feeling safe and being happy. Some players enter relationships with the ability to play both offense and defense. However, some individuals enter relationships and only know how to play defense. With this in mind, it is imperative that you learn the difference between offensive players and defensive players in relationships.

 

Offensive Players

 

Offensive players enter relationships with an “us mentality” and look for opportunities to build up and support their significant other. They strive to advance their relationships by participating in activities that will stimulate personal and interpersonal growth. Offensive players are more likely to engage in behavior that is best suited for the relationship and will place just as much emphasis on the needs of the relationship as their own. Offensive players are prevention orientated and look to develop plans in order to minimize drama. They make things happen. Just like quarterbacks, running backs and receivers, they try to anticipate what will happen and respond accordingly with the intent to advance.

 

Team first is their mode of operation. This can occur in the form of praise, encouragement and support. They cheer when they are capable of helping themselves and their partners advance. Their primary focus is to build up and mobilize their partners. From a relationship standpoint, offensive players are typically open-minded, trusting, optimistic and proactive.

 

Defensive Players

 

Defensive players enter relationships with a “me mentality” and look for opportunities to identify and exploit weaknesses in their significant other. They defend themselves by blocking or avoiding interactions or situations that cause them to feel out of control or uncomfortable. Unfortunately, defensive players are more likely to engage in behavior that is best suited for them and will put their needs before the needs of the relationship. However, they will occasionally engage in maneuvers that will benefit the relationship. Defensive players are reactionary orientated and look to adjust to drama as oppose to preventing it. They sit back and wait. Just like defensive backs, safeties and outside linebackers, they try to anticipate what will happen and respond accordingly with the intent to stop advancement.

 

One up is their mode of operation. This can occur in the form of belittling, over talking and manipulation. They cheer when they are capable of preventing their partner from scoring or advancing. Their primary focus is to breakdown or immobilize their partners. From a relationship standpoint, defensive players are closed-minded, non-trusting, guarded and reactive.

 

Know the Difference

 

Be mindful that both offensive and defensive players engage in behavior to accomplish the same goal: To feel safe and be happy. Offensive players strive to achieve safety and happiness by engaging in proactive and assertive behavior that will advance their relationship. In contrast, defensive players strive to achieve safety and happiness by engaging in reactionary and aggressive behavior that block advancement in their relationship.

 

If you desire to have a healthy and prosperous relationship, you must learn how to distinguish between the two kinds of players. I encourage you to view your relationship as a game to be won. Let me be clear, I did not say play games. Knowing what you want and selecting the right player is critical to your relationship happiness. Before you enter into a relationship, I want you to think about and answer the following two questions: 1) Do you want to have a relationship with a defensive player who will sit back and hinder advancement or with an offensive player who will be proactive and facilitate advancement?; and 2) What kind of player are you?

 

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham is a renowned psychotherapist, motivational speaker, author and activist who provide individual and marital therapy to military soldiers and their families assigned to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. He is also the founder and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, LLC located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne Buckingham visit his website at DrBuckingham.com. You can follow Dr. Buckingham on Twitter @DrDBuckingham.

13 Defense Tactics That Are Destroying Your Relationship

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By Danielle B. Grossman, MFT

Respectfully receiving critical feedback is a key skill for a happy and healthy relationship. The ability to temporarily put aside our own feelings and our own way of seeing the situation, and truly listen to our partner’s feelings and perspective, allows us to safely air grievances and work through conflicts. Without that safe space, the love and goodwill of a relationship runs the risk of being burned up by resentment and anger.

No one, however, likes to be criticized. No one likes hearing how they are disappointing the person they love. No one likes feeling blamed, misunderstood or under-appreciated. And so a lot of us are experts in defense — both in defending ourselves and hitting up against the defenses of our partner.

Do any of these defense tactics sound familiar?

  1. Placating. Critical feedback is tuned out and brushed over. ‘Yes, dear, okay, honey, whatever you say.’
  2. Invalidating. One partner tries to convince the other that his or her complaint is not legitimate. ‘Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Are you just trying to find things to be upset about? This isn’t even a real problem.’
  3. Chronic postponing. If one partner brings up a complaint, the other continually finds a way to put off the discussion. ‘You are really bringing this up now? I’m way too busy right now to talk about this.’
  4. Guilting. Critical feedback gets diverted when the recipient turns the conversation around to his or her own feelings and fears. ‘Why are you being so mean to me? How do you think that makes me feel?’ There also might be crying, pouting, brooding, disconnecting emotionally or physically, or even acting out in self-destructive ways.
  5. Globalizing. Instead of focusing on the actual issue that a partner is raising, the other person turns it into something huge and global, as a way to obscure and avoid the issue. ‘I am such a disappointment, I never do anything right. You are never satisfied.’
  6. Narrowing. Instead of addressing the deeper issue, excuses and reasons about a specific incident are used to close off the critical feedback. ‘I didn’t feel well this morning and couldn’t focus on anything. I had to work that night. I was late because there was a traffic jam.’
  7. Bullying. Intimidation is used to stop critical feedback. This could be raising one’s voice, pounding a fist on the table, or making vague or concrete threats about what might happen if the other partner continues to try to talk about the issue.

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How Do You Work Through Conflict?

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By Lorna Blake

Addressing conflict can be challenging for many of us. Many times we either ‘fight’ or ‘fly’ depending on how we were raised and how we saw our families of origin deal with issues. ‘Fighting’ and ‘flying’ both lead to alienation and these are aggressive and passive responses respectively.

When we are passive in dealing with conflict we may feel powerless to change what we consider a ‘hostile dynamic’ so we react by withdrawing, retreating or hiding. This often results in blocks to communication. On the other side of the spectrum by acting aggressively to address conflict we react in a way that’s scary and intimidating to others. As a result we stand to alienate the people we’re interacting with.

One of the most empowering ways I know to communicate around conflict is by using assertive behaviors. Using assertive strategies allows us to respond rather than react and we build mutual respect and intimacy rather than alienation.

Becoming assertive requires a very conscious shift in our mindset. We must first recognize that we have rights. This is fundamental to changing unhealthy relationship dynamics and will allow us to gain the respect we desire in our relationships.

1. Recognize your rights. You have the right to:

• Be treated with respect

• Express your own opinion, feelings, thoughts

• Say no

• Decide for yourself what you want

• Make mistakes

• Be yourself

2. Assess what’s happening. Determine how to respond assertively rather than react to the situation. Whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice. It’s best to discuss the issue with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

3. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings. For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

4. Focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred. For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

5. If you feel you’re still not being heard, you may try the technique of ‘escalating’.

Use your hand like a stop sign, stand in your power and in a firm voice say: “I would like you to stop…” Pause for effect.

-If you’re still not being heard say something like: “I have asked you to stop and it seems you’re not listening. If you choose to continue I’m going to be forced to ….” (leave the room, stop communicating with you until you are willing to be respectful, etc). Choose an action that makes sense in the situation and follow through with what you say you’re going to do if you’re not being heard.

6. Seek Respect. Your goal is not to be liked. It’s to be respected. Once you understand this you can begin to express your feelings and open the lines of communication with people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy and mutual respect in your relationships…

Lorna Blake is a powerful, positive and inspiring empowerment specialist. She has over 10 years experience in helping people take charge of their lives and achieve their goals. Lorna has a degree in Social Work and is certified as a teacher. Combining her professional training with her own life experiences in overcoming adversity, she brings a unique brand of expertise to life coaching. You can read more from Lorna at www.lornablake.com

5 Things You Can Do To Resolve Issues In Your Marriage NOW

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It is time to lift the veil and admit that being married is only tough for those who are uneducated about marriage. Education  is the great equalizer no matter what.

Here are five simple ways to resolve marriage issues that you can start using right now.

1) Stop being angry with your spouse and stop demonstrating your anger.

Anger is the equivalent of doggy do. It stinks, it sticks, and nobody wants to step in it. If you are angry with your spouse all you are doing is blocking the sunshine of love. Don’t try to tell me you can’t help it. It is your mind that is infected with anger and it is YOU who can rid your mind of that anger or at the very least control your response to your anger. If your spouse is angry at you then you need to become very compassionate and understanding without pandering.

2) Stop making such a big deal of things you won’t even remember tomorrow

The world is constantly poking at you, I know. But don’t take it out on your spouse. If they do something that appears to be offensive towards you it is up to you to remind yourself that they are not perfect either and obviously suffering at the hands of the world also. Face the world together. It is better to take things in stride by looking past them and seeing the love in the heart of your spouse. That is what attracted you to them in the first place. Look past everything else and love them with all your heart.

3) Re-evaluate your expectations

Most people live day to day looking forward to a vacation or a birthday party. Be different; think of ways you can improve yourself as a human being and focus on that work. If you do that your expectations about how you should be treated and what is fair will soon dissipate and cause you no more grief.

4) Become a channel of God’s love

When you see yourself as a working servant for God you won’t have time to entertain so-called issues within your marriage because you will be too busy showing your spouse how much you love them.

5) Be grateful for what you get and what you have

The suffering in this world is more than anyone could bear and the potential you have for love and security is a gift you should accept with an open and grateful heart.

The rules for a harmonious marriage are accessible to everyone. And the logic behind using the rules could not be simpler….it’s us who make things complex. So,  follow the rules and have a great marriage!

Cut ‘Em Some Slack….Show A Little Grace And Gratitude

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VIDEO: When our lives are surrounded by drama…that infectious spirit can occasionally seep into our relationships causing us to nit pick and gripe about every little thing. While it’s Ok to voice your complaints or concerns in your relationship, it’s also Ok to cut your partner some slack. Your partner won’t get it right or be “on point” all the time…and that’s Ok. Cut ’em some slack!

*Note* this video is 2 years old BUT the message is timeless.  Listen. Love. Learn.

The Golden Rule Of Marriage: Cause Only Those Things Which Your Spouse Is Able To Experience Easily.

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By Stan Dubin

I was reading a book called “New Slant on Life” by L. Ron Hubbard the other day and picked up two new jewels I want to share with you:

 

“There are two rules for happy living:

 

“1. Be able to experience anything.”

 

“2. Cause only those things which others are able to experience easily.”

 

I would first like to discuss rule #2: “Cause only those things which others are able to experience easily.”

 

How well do you apply this to your spouse? To your boyfriend; girlfriend? To your boss; your employees?

 

How often do you cause something that another does NOT experience easily? And when that does happen, what kind of other effects are you left with? You usually have upsets, some of which may linger for some time.

 

Step back and reflect for a few seconds. If you saw completely eye to eye with “cause only those things which others are able to experience easily”, you could virtually eliminate all upsets from your life.

 

If your marriage were free from upsets, what kind of an effect would this have?

 

Some people think that upsets are a “fact of life” and that every marriage has them. Well, so far that’s very true. They indeed are a fact of life. But you could go very far in reducing the number of upsets by applying just one principle: “cause only those things which others are able to experience easily.”

 

Next time you find yourself in a situation where your next action or your next communication is NOT going to be experienced easily, CHANGE the action, CHANGE the communication to something that CAN be experienced easily.

 

This principle may sound very, very simple. And indeed it is. But it is also very powerful.

 

Which brings us to rule #1: “Be able to experience anything.”

 

This principle doesn’t really leave much for interpretation, does it? Anything means anything! So whatever comes your way, be able to experience it.

 

If your wife comes up to you and tells you she just overdrew the checking account, BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE that.

 

In this one example, we have the wife causing something that the husband might not experience very easily. But instead of the husband going into a major tirade, he decides that he is ABLE TO EXPERIENCE it. This situation has definite potential for causing an upset, an upset that might affect the overall condition of the marriage. But one person stepped up and applied one of the two rules for happy living.

 

Now, if BOTH partners were working earnestly on applying BOTH rules for happy living, we would indeed have a much happier marriage.

 

Use these two rules to the best of your ability. You will find every one of your relationships improving daily!

 

 

Stan Dubin has been married for over 25 years and during that time he’s used a good deal of information to keep his marriage at a high level.  Visit him at Marriage Success.com.

Playing The Silence Game For A While Now? Here’s How To Stop Today.

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By Steve East

No marriage is perfect. That is a given.

Yours might be “on the rocks,” It might seem hopeless at the moment, but there is one method that really “works” to save the whole situation.

I will propose a special plan that will include one crucial bit of advice.

First, are you experiencing the following symptoms?

Tense “discussions” over and over again

Playing the “silence” game

Avoidance of intimacy

Let me share this observation (about saving a marriage). It is NOT going to happen overnight. It will take some effort to make it work.

But, it can still be FUN!

There is almost no other way, let me explain.

You might be thinking to yourself ” how can this possibly be something enjoyable?” Like as if you are on the sinking “Titanic” and decide to dance to the music being played by the doomed band!

So, bear with me here. After weeks (or months) of negative emotions and miserable relations, here is what has to be done to rekindle the romance. Don’t forget, when you first met, something had to be very special between you two to convince each other to get married.

Step one:

Have a drink, then after that, sit down together on the sofa (each with a piece of paper). Write down five ideas for a special secret “date” to do something really interesting and exciting that you would truly enjoy sharing.

Then, compare and take the best ideas from each of you.

Step two:

With the “best agreed idea,” start to plan right away how to put it in action. Grab a calendar, circle the date and commit to following it through. Don’t let anything get in the way of this. Drop everything, and make this priority one.

This is extremely important right now. This seemingly simple action will help to move things forward instead of backwards!

It will show that you are both serious about rebuilding your relationship despite the ugly setbacks.

Step three:

The rules for your secret date are as follows.

A) Only the two of you are allowed to participate.

B) Commit to make a real effort to relax.

C) For this one night, do not bring up any potentially explosive issues. Be aware of the sensitive topics and forget about them for one evening.

D) Have some fun, smile, laugh and try to remember what it was like on your “real” first date.

E) Touch each other and try looking into each others’ eyes.

To summarize, it is crucial to inject “fun” into the complicated equation of restoring your marriage into a more happy union. That is the one ingredient necessary for this to work out. When you experience the joys of your early days over again, it will seem less traumatic to “forgive” the mistakes that were made before. The past cannot be changed, but the future can be wonderful if you both move on.

Seems too simple, huh? What’s needed is not what’s complicated. It’s usually us. Just do this!

Are You Always Turned On And Need To Know When To Turn It Off?

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By Team BLAM

Do you have a problem with putting first things first?  Do you have the tendency to get your priorities all screwed up and focus on the wrong things at the wrong time?  Who besides you is impacted in that process?  Who gets hurt in that process?  What gets neglected in that process?  What message is being sent when everything else (including doing this damn video on our date night) comes before your wife, children, and your relationship?  Check out this video and see what happens when you’re always turned on and have trouble discerning when to turn it off.

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How To Persuade Your Man To Give Couples Coaching/Counseling A Real Try

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By Your Tango.com

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Here’s an interesting question: how do you get a man who won’t even ask for directions after driving in circles for two hours to go out and hire a stranger, then tell that person his deepest, darkest secrets?

 

Even when they’re in the company of close friends, men will generally keep sadness, disappointments and other internal conflicts to themselves. So how can your get a strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to a pro—with you?

 

Couples Counseling/Coaching

 

Start the conversation about couples counseling by talking about yourself, not about him. If you talk about him he may feel like you are on the attack, which will make him defensive and less likely to hear what you’re trying to tell him. Tell him you’ve been thinking about therapy because you want to take steps to be a better partner, and you can contribute more to the relationship if you have more tools in your kit.

 

While things can start with you, the process will be much more effective if both of you participate. After all, you’re both members of the couple and to change or improve both sides need to be involved. As a couple, you can both benefit from tips on how to communicate better and have a more satisfying relationship.

 

Invite him to go see someone with you on a strictly no obligation basis to test the waters and see how it feels to him. He might be surprised at how liberating and positive it feels. If the person is the right fit for the two of you, it’s likely that he will feel reassured and some (if not all) of his objections will go away.

 

A caveat: the discussion of going for help might get heated if he jumps to the conclusion that the counseling is the first step to separation or divorce. In your mind, it’s probably just the opposite, so make that clear. This will become more apparent to him once you’ve had a few sessions.

 

Other Issues

 

You might think that if your partner has a deeper problem such as depression or anxiety, it would help to attend sessions along with him, but that is not usually the case. If a man is put off by the thought of seeking help, the thought of looking weak in front of you is going to send him running. When introducing the idea that he might benefit from therapy by himself, it’s important to plant the seed of an idea and nurture it over time. After getting used to the idea he might start to think it’s a good idea.

 

Making suggestions might help to a certain extent, but it often takes a crisis of some kind—a failed friendship, career burnout, or some other traumatic event—to make him take the step towards help. The good news is that once men get down to business and say “yes” to help, that first step often brings a rapid sense of relief. When they admit something is wrong, they usually do what they do best: they get to work and fix it.

 

Men tend to shy away from group therapy situations, however, interpersonal interaction with other men can sometimes be a vital step in the process of healing. It provides an opportunity to break the pattern of isolation from other males. By allowing themselves to connect and be vulnerable with their peer group, men learn to nurture while preserving authentic masculinity. Once in this situation, men are often relieved that they no longer need to try to look good on the outside, while feeling empty and alone inside; they actually find there is strength in vulnerability. And of course you will always be there to support him, as well.

 

A Few Other Tips:

 

When it comes to asking him to join you in this process, try to stay away from issuing ultimatums. It can cloud the issue and raise questions like, “if she’s going to leave me anyway, what’s the point?” Or he may react to the control you’re exerting and rebel against that control “just because.”

When you sit down to talk about working with a coach, try to do it in the following way: 1) Have your logical plan laid out: “I want to go to therapy to work on this issue.” Offer clear details from your perspective. In therapy/coaching they call this talking from the “I” perspective, which helps to avoid blame. 2) Avoid open-ended complaints about your relationship. He knows you’re unhappy; chances are he is too. If you overstate your feelings, the opportunity to have a rational conversation may be lost in the heat of the moment

Stay positive in your approach—remember that most people respond better to praise than criticism. If you can look at the anticipated outcome instead of focusing on the current negativity, it usually goes better.

If you know which pro you want to work with, offer that person as a suggestion. But remember, your partner may want to feel like he’s a part of the decision making process. If he appears resistant to your choice, ask if he would like to help select the pro. Bring him to the website and do a search together.

Consider working with a male pro. Sometimes this can help men to feel more at ease with the process. You can search for men who are in your area or work remotely (this will give additional choices if your community is small). However, remember that simply because a pro is a male doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you; take a look at the whole set of qualities the pro offers, and try to keep an open mind about the male vs. female choice.

Remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day; your relationship didn’t get to the state it’s in overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight. You, your partner and your pro need time to sort through the details and work out a strategy together. Try to set realistic expectations for everyone by respecting the process and not pushing to fix things faster than they can honestly be mended.

If you’re at a loss for how to begin the conversation with your guy, talk to a pro and ask his or her advice. Professionals deal with this kind of dilemma frequently and often have ways to encourage men to participate.

Finally, when all else fails, remember that you love your partner and your desire to get help stems from the belief that you two can be happier. If you meet complete resistance, remind him that you’re doing this for you and for him. Appeal to his love for you and ask him to trust your judgment that this is something that will make things better.

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