By Ayize Ma’at

What’s up Fam…A couple of days ago Aiyana and I had a conversation, which evolved into a discussion, which transformed into a disagreement, which morphed into an argument, which ultimately resulted in a lecture where I was told I was in the “dog house” and on my wife’s $h!t list.

Now I’ve been on this list before….I wouldn’t say I’m familiar with it, aware of it is probably more appropriate.  Husbands who are on this list usually get eye rolls, short monotone comments, glares, bland food, raised voices, sarcastic statements, rhetorical questions, vaseline and tissue cause there won’t be no sex, and the torture of hearing their wife talk about “what you did” on the phone with their girlfriends.  Yup…it’s not a good space to be in and truthfully it’s not the end of the world.  But if you had to choose, wouldn’t you rather be sleeping with your wife than sleeping in the dog house?  I would.  : )

So for the success of our relationship, peace of mind for our wives, and our own psycho-emotional stability let’s get off this $h!t list.  It doesn’t feel good being here.  Sure, in the moment you may feel like “Fu$% You Too”, but I’ve learned through experience that sustaining an opposositional disposition produces less than desirable (more $h!t list) outcomes.  So switch it up champ.  Eat a piece of humble pie.  I guarantee I won’t be here for long.   It ain’t becoming and I know better.  It’s time to do better and fellas I challenge you to do the same.

4 Steps To Getting Out Of The Dog House

*Teachable Moment * There are a couple of phrases in the prior paragraphs that will raise an eyebrow for women…..make a point to exclude this type of language in that same context when you’re trying to get out the Dog House.  Phrases like “ultimately resulted in a lecture” and “truthfully it’s not the end of the world” can be problematic if used in the same context that I used them.

1.  Be patient and present during the airing of grievances: Once the issue has been discovered and stated by your woman don’t rush the process of healing by jumping to solution mode.  This does not work.  You can’t solve the issue if you don’t feel the issue. In order to feel the issue yo have to be “present” when the issue is being expressed.  If you’re automatically thinking about the solution..you ain’t present. Sit down next to your woman, look her in her eyes and be engaged in what she’s saying because it’s important.

2. Be open and honest during cross examination:  You Fu@%ed up slim… so questions are going to come. Don’t get into a space where you resent her for asking questions.  Don’t get mad cause she has 1001 questions.  It’s her prerogative because she’s invested in this relationship.  A grown man move would be to ask the question “What would you like to know?”  And when she asks her questions be truthful.

3. Validate and apologize: More important to a woman than hearing you say “I’m sorry”, is hearing you express your understanding of “how & why” what you did hurt her.  Of course you should follow that expression of understanding up with an apology and make sure you’re sincere when you do it.  This one is serious yall… if you give half a$$ effort you’ll get NO A$$ RESULTS.

4.  If you do the crime you’ve got to be willing to do the time:  Healing is a process!!!  If you’ve ever bust your lip, scraped your knee, or broken a bone you know that there’s a process to healing an injury.  If you cheated…it may take 5 years. If you lied it may take 12 days.  If you disrespected it may take 1 hour….who knows.  All of these times will very depending upon the persons involved and the circumstances.  But there’s one guarantee through it all…the healing won’t happen instantaneously and because of that you’ve got to be willing to do the time.

If you’re man enough to Fu@% Up you’ve got to be man enough to Fix Up.  If you apply these four steps to your relationship there’s a really really really good chance you’ll be invited back into the bed and told you can burn the damn Dog House.  Or maybe, don’t burn it just yet LOL.

P.S. I know you wanna know what happened stay tuned because you’ll get to see and both of us share it in a video next week. : )

Ayize Ma’at is the co-founder of this site (Blackloveandmarriage.com)  He is a highly regarded relationship expert that has been featured on Dr. Drew’s Life Changers, Roland Martin, Aol BlackVoices, and numerous other multi-media platforms.  He had 4 children and is happily married to his high school sweetheart Aiyana Ma’at (co-founder of blackloveandmarriage.com).  He’s wholeheartedly committed to raising the awareness of what is required to build lasting love.  He can be reached at info@bintentional.com

 

By Team BLAM

For some reason some people have fallen victim to the idea that if you’re truly happy and fulfilled in your marriage—you won’t fight. Where on earth folks get this crazy idea from….I’ll never know. Perhaps, it’s what we see on TV and in the movies where couples ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Perhaps, it’s because some married folks only talk about the positive in their marriages but don’t keep it real about the hard times. Whatever the reason—this is a perception that  must be destroyed and put to death!

If you don’t think couples that are happy are supposed to fight then you certainly won’t know how to handle conflict when it inevitably rears it’s ugly head. And, like we always say here— The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is NOT the absence of conflict but rather the ability to manage it. So, if you’re in the middle of a spat or a major disagreement or issue—know this: IT’S NORMAL!!!!!!!!! It comes with the territory of marriage and being in relationship with another human being.

Check out these quick tips from Bob & Sheri Stritof of About.com:

 Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:

Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing.

If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it.

Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important.

Don’t push one another’s buttons. Don’t be sarcastic or attack one another’s self image.

Don’t interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying.

Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing.

Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win.

By Dr. Ellyn Bader

These guidelines will help you avoid the three most common negotiating mistakes couples make: 1) Failure to prepare before the negotiation with your partner; 2) Caving in too quickly to avoid tension or to keep the peace; and 3) Stubbornly pushing too hard for your own solution.

 

Why Learn to Negotiate with your Partner?

Conflict is inevitable for growth in your relationship. Many people are frightened of conflict because they can’t negotiate. Once you learn to negotiate you won’t be so afraid of conflict. Good negotiation leads to acceptable solutions that work for both of you and will strengthen your relationship. Your communication skills automatically improve as you develop good negotiating skills.

 

The Difference Between Negotiation For Couples and Other Negotiations

Negotiation with your partner can feel especially risky, because the amount of emotional self disclosure required is much higher for couples than in business. Also, the result may have life-altering consequences (like negotiating where to live).

 

Skills Required For Negotiating With Your Partner

Effective negotiation for complex problems requires lots of openness about yourself, curiosity about your partner’s issues and emotional risk. It also takes listening really well!

 

Some Things Cannot Be Negotiated

Core values, integrity, spirituality, feelings, attitudes and trust can not be negotiated.

 

Do your best to separate interests and concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but not your core values or integrity. For example, it doesn’t work to say, “I’ll give up my spiritual beliefs for you.”

 

The Only Things You Can Really Negotiate Are Behavior And Decisions

You can negotiate what action someone will take and when they will do it, or you can negotiate a solution to a problem of disagreement.

 

How To Prepare To Negotiate

Ask yourself how you aspire to be during the negotiation. For example, calm, open, flexible, honest, understanding, curious. By following the guidelines you set for yourself, you will more easily focus on a successful outcome. This is an often overlooked aspect of negotiation. Staying conscious of your own guidelines will help keep you centered and focused. Write your guidelines on a piece of paper and keep glancing at them during the negotiation. You will come across like an experienced negotiator simply by staying consistent with your own guidelines.

 

Before you start the negotiation, quietly reflect on the following questions:

 

What do I want? Why do I want it and why is it important?

 

How important is this to me?

 

To get what I want, what will I need to do and what will my partner need to do?

 

If I get most of what I want what is the positive and negative effect on my partner?

 

How can I make it easier for my partner to say yes?

 

However, it may be difficult for my partner to give me most of what I want because _________________________________________________________________.

 

I may be able to increase the benefits to my partner by _________________________.

 

I may be able to decrease the downside to my partner by ______________________.

 

Add other relevant information that has not been suggested here.

 

You don’t need to answer every question and complete every statement sequentially in a dialogue with your partner. But as you get mentally clear about these issues it will make it easier to conversationally express your concerns and desires.

 

Start By Stating the Area of Disagreement

 

It is important to describe the issue as disagreement instead of as a problem. It is very difficult to say “The problem is ___________” without blaming your partner or yourself. This actual or implied blame leads to a defensive reaction from one or both parties. The negotiation then begins to slip like a house built on loose gravel.

 

State the disagreement in the form, “We seem to disagree about _______________.”

 

Then take turns expressing what your concerns and desires are about the disagreement.

 

Describe Concerns About the Subject

One person goes first and expresses all their concerns while the other listens without rebutting or defending anything. The response is simply to recap and check for understanding. It may also be necessary to ask questions for clarity.

 

Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, “Did it ever occur to you that…?”

 

Brainstorm Solutions

After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires, and each of you feels understood, then it is time for brainstorming solutions. Think of several possible solutions.

 

When One partner proposes a solution

 

Make the suggested proposal in the following format:

 

Honey, what I suggest is _______________________________________________.

 

This suggestion works for me because ____________________________________.

 

This suggestion might work for you because _______________________________.

 

The Rationale For This “Formula”

 

It encourages being a good self advocate.

 

Simultaneously it forces you to consider your partner’s perspective and helps prevent the possibility of only stubbornly pushing your own desires.

 

The Other Partner Responds

 

If the partner agrees with the whole suggestion, then recap why it works.

 

If the partner does not agree then start with recapping the part that does work.

 

The part that does work is ________________________________.

 

The part that doesn’t work is ______________________________.

 

So my alternative suggestion is ____________________________.

 

This suggestion works for me because _______________________.

 

And it might work for you because __________________________.

 

Add value to your offers. Keep finding ways to make it easier for your partner to say yes.

 

Remember – this negotiation is only an experiment. Nobody is locked into a permanent solution. It is only for a period of time to see what if anything needs adjusting.

 

Repeat suggestions until agreement is reached.

 

Take Action

 

If action is appropriate, decide who will do what by when.

 

Decide for how long you will try this solution.

 

Evaluation

 

After the action phase come back and evaluate the results.

 

If things are fine, continue for another block of time.

 

Round Two, Three, Etc.

 

If it didn’t work out as well as hoped, each person begins by saying, “Honey, it didn’t work the way I hoped, but here is what I could have done differently.” Don’t start by stating what your partner should have done differently.

 

Then repeat appropriate steps above.

 

Don’t be discouraged if your first attempts at this new negotiation strategy are awkward. This is challenging territory for most couples. Keep trying, and you’ll improve.

Good luck, and may all your disagreements lead you to more lively collaboration.

 

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Since 1984, they have helped people create extraordinary relationships. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TV programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For more information and to subscribe to their free monthly newsletter, “Love that Lasts”, Couplesinstitute.com.