I’d Rather Be Sleeping With My Wife Than Sleeping In The Dog House: 4 Steps To Get Out

By Ayize Ma’at

What’s up Fam…A couple of days ago Aiyana and I had a conversation, which evolved into a discussion, which transformed into a disagreement, which morphed into an argument, which ultimately resulted in a lecture where I was told I was in the “dog house” and on my wife’s $h!t list.

Now I’ve been on this list before….I wouldn’t say I’m familiar with it, aware of it is probably more appropriate.  Husbands who are on this list usually get eye rolls, short monotone comments, glares, bland food, raised voices, sarcastic statements, rhetorical questions, vaseline and tissue cause there won’t be no sex, and the torture of hearing their wife talk about “what you did” on the phone with their girlfriends.  Yup…it’s not a good space to be in and truthfully it’s not the end of the world.  But if you had to choose, wouldn’t you rather be sleeping with your wife than sleeping in the dog house?  I would.  : )

So for the success of our relationship, peace of mind for our wives, and our own psycho-emotional stability let’s get off this $h!t list.  It doesn’t feel good being here.  Sure, in the moment you may feel like “Fu$% You Too”, but I’ve learned through experience that sustaining an opposositional disposition produces less than desirable (more $h!t list) outcomes.  So switch it up champ.  Eat a piece of humble pie.  I guarantee I won’t be here for long.   It ain’t becoming and I know better.  It’s time to do better and fellas I challenge you to do the same.

4 Steps To Getting Out Of The Dog House

*Teachable Moment * There are a couple of phrases in the prior paragraphs that will raise an eyebrow for women…..make a point to exclude this type of language in that same context when you’re trying to get out the Dog House.  Phrases like “ultimately resulted in a lecture” and “truthfully it’s not the end of the world” can be problematic if used in the same context that I used them.

1.  Be patient and present during the airing of grievances: Once the issue has been discovered and stated by your woman don’t rush the process of healing by jumping to solution mode.  This does not work.  You can’t solve the issue if you don’t feel the issue. In order to feel the issue yo have to be “present” when the issue is being expressed.  If you’re automatically thinking about the solution..you ain’t present. Sit down next to your woman, look her in her eyes and be engaged in what she’s saying because it’s important.

2. Be open and honest during cross examination:  You Fu@%ed up slim… so questions are going to come. Don’t get into a space where you resent her for asking questions.  Don’t get mad cause she has 1001 questions.  It’s her prerogative because she’s invested in this relationship.  A grown man move would be to ask the question “What would you like to know?”  And when she asks her questions be truthful.

3. Validate and apologize: More important to a woman than hearing you say “I’m sorry”, is hearing you express your understanding of “how & why” what you did hurt her.  Of course you should follow that expression of understanding up with an apology and make sure you’re sincere when you do it.  This one is serious yall… if you give half a$$ effort you’ll get NO A$$ RESULTS.

4.  If you do the crime you’ve got to be willing to do the time:  Healing is a process!!!  If you’ve ever bust your lip, scraped your knee, or broken a bone you know that there’s a process to healing an injury.  If you cheated…it may take 5 years. If you lied it may take 12 days.  If you disrespected it may take 1 hour….who knows.  All of these times will very depending upon the persons involved and the circumstances.  But there’s one guarantee through it all…the healing won’t happen instantaneously and because of that you’ve got to be willing to do the time.

If you’re man enough to Fu@% Up you’ve got to be man enough to Fix Up.  If you apply these four steps to your relationship there’s a really really really good chance you’ll be invited back into the bed and told you can burn the damn Dog House.  Or maybe, don’t burn it just yet LOL.

P.S. I know you wanna know what happened stay tuned because you’ll get to see and both of us share it in a video next week. : )

Ayize Ma’at is the co-founder of this site (Blackloveandmarriage.com)  He is a highly regarded relationship expert that has been featured on Dr. Drew’s Life Changers, Roland Martin, Aol BlackVoices, and numerous other multi-media platforms.  He had 4 children and is happily married to his high school sweetheart Aiyana Ma’at (co-founder of blackloveandmarriage.com).  He’s wholeheartedly committed to raising the awareness of what is required to build lasting love.  He can be reached at info@bintentional.com

 

You CAN Have A Fulfilling Relationship. Four Fantastic Ways To Get Your Needs Met.

By Chris Andrews

Getting your needs met in your relationship isn’t always easy. But if you want to have a long and happy relationship, you will need to learn how. Here are some tips to guide you along with getting your relationship needs met.

  1. Never assume that your mate can read your mind. A friend of mine always says, “Show me someone who can’t communicate and I’ll show you a failure.” People who can’t communicate effectively generally don’t have much success in life. Tell your mate your likes and dislikes. Just talk to them like you are giving someone directions. They will appreciate your candor and they won’t be mistaken about these needs in the future if you are clear and concise.
  2. Encourage your mate to talk about their needs. We forget to do this because it does require effort on your part, so don’t be afraid to just ask. This will make them feel special and let them know that you care about what they want. Do this step more often than not.
  3. Realize the difference between telling and showing. Some people like to be told, “I love you,” and some people like to be shown love. Make sure you get this one down eventually, since you don’t want to annoy your mate with talk when they like to be shown instead. I have a friend who didn’t like his girlfriend telling him that she loved him everyday. He loved everything about her otherwise. Eventually he let her know this and she wasn’t offended at all-she just didn’t know that this annoyed him.
  4. Don’t be passive aggressive-speak up! This area in relationships is so common, but frequently ignored. If you are serious about getting your relationship needs met, pay close attention to this tip. If you need your mate to help you more with anything (help around the house, help with errands, etc.), JUST ASK. What most people do is assume that their mate already knows what needs to be done, and this just isn’t so. Effective communication will not only help these situations, but will eliminate the silent resentment that happens when we hold back our feelings.

Chris R. Andrews writes about many social topics concerning real folks in real situations. His latest adventure is Relationshipanswers.net

Bishop T.D. Jakes Youngest Daughter Chooses Divorce

The youngest daughter of mega pastor Bishop T.D. Jakes has released a statement announcing that she is ending her four year marriage.  After just four years, Sarah Henson is divorcing her former NFL player husband, Robert Henson.

In her statement, Henson writes:

I have built my ministry and identity around being the best wife and a mother I can be.
For quite sometime I have tried to steer through some serious troubles at home.
As much as I wanted my marriage to last, it cannot…..”
CLICK HERE to read more.

Blam Fam what are your thoughts?  While we always encourage couples to stop playing and start pushing, we are firm believers that there is a point where enough is enough.  We wish Sarah Henson a life of peace and intention as she moves through this difficult time.

Anger Is O.K…BUT..Nasty, Abusive, And Ugly Arguments Are Not!

By Barton Goldsmith Ph.D.

Every couple argues. Some of them do it overtly by yelling at each other while others do it covertly by avoiding contact and conversation. Whatever the method, the result is the same – hurt feelings and disenchantment. Here are my tips to help you argue constructively. If done correctly arguing can be a pathway to growth and problem solving.

  1. Understand that anger itself is not destructive. There is a vast difference between anger and rage. When someone is angry they need to state their feelings, they don’t break things or relationships – that is ragefull behavior.
  2. Talk about your feelings before you get angry. When you or your partner can approach the situation as it happens and deal with it in a safe way, it may not get to the point of being an argument. Sometimes things just need to be verbalized and most arguments can be avoided if your partner understands how you feel.
  3. Don’t raise your voice. It’s amazing how issues of hurt feelings or differences can be resolved with a whisper. I counsel couples who are yellers to only communicate with a whisper and it greatly reduces the anger factor in their relationships.
  4. Don’t threaten your relationship. And don’t take every argument as a threat to your relationship. This type of emotional blackmail puts the other partner in a panic/flight or flight mode. While you’re telling them you want to leave, they may be making plans to find a roommate. In addition, they may be so devastated by the thought of losing their family they can go into a deep depression and be unable to give you what it is you need.
  5. Don’t stockpile. This is where you bring up issues from the past to use as a hammer against whatever problem your partner has asked for help with. Deal with their issue first and if you really have unresolved feelings from past problems talk about them at another time.
  6. Don’t avoid your anger. If you stuff your feelings long enough you will explode and say or do things that you will regret. Anger does not diminish love, you can be angry with those you love. In fact the ones we love hurt us the most because we love them the most.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Happy Couples Don’t Fight?

By Team BLAM

For some reason some people have fallen victim to the idea that if you’re truly happy and fulfilled in your marriage—you won’t fight. Where on earth folks get this crazy idea from….I’ll never know. Perhaps, it’s what we see on TV and in the movies where couples ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Perhaps, it’s because some married folks only talk about the positive in their marriages but don’t keep it real about the hard times. Whatever the reason—this is a perception that  must be destroyed and put to death!

If you don’t think couples that are happy are supposed to fight then you certainly won’t know how to handle conflict when it inevitably rears it’s ugly head. And, like we always say here— The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is NOT the absence of conflict but rather the ability to manage it. So, if you’re in the middle of a spat or a major disagreement or issue—know this: IT’S NORMAL!!!!!!!!! It comes with the territory of marriage and being in relationship with another human being.

Check out these quick tips from Bob & Sheri Stritof of About.com:

 Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:

Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing.

If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it.

Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important.

Don’t push one another’s buttons. Don’t be sarcastic or attack one another’s self image.

Don’t interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying.

Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing.

Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win.

Are Pics Of Past Girlfriends A Problem?

VIDEO: Trust is an essential part of a relationship. In order to establish and maintain a healthy relationship you’ve got to know when to responsibly lower and lift your guards. Occasionally, because trust has been broken in our relationships we recondition ourselves to look for and expect deceit to be forever present. It’s in those times where we’ve discovered another opportunity to distrust that we are confronted with the challenge of bailing out or remaining invested in the relationship. In time when your trust is tested what do you do? Do you confront your partner or silently build up a wall of resentment?

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3 Common Negotiating Mistakes Couples Make

By Dr. Ellyn Bader

These guidelines will help you avoid the three most common negotiating mistakes couples make: 1) Failure to prepare before the negotiation with your partner; 2) Caving in too quickly to avoid tension or to keep the peace; and 3) Stubbornly pushing too hard for your own solution.

 

Why Learn to Negotiate with your Partner?

Conflict is inevitable for growth in your relationship. Many people are frightened of conflict because they can’t negotiate. Once you learn to negotiate you won’t be so afraid of conflict. Good negotiation leads to acceptable solutions that work for both of you and will strengthen your relationship. Your communication skills automatically improve as you develop good negotiating skills.

 

The Difference Between Negotiation For Couples and Other Negotiations

Negotiation with your partner can feel especially risky, because the amount of emotional self disclosure required is much higher for couples than in business. Also, the result may have life-altering consequences (like negotiating where to live).

 

Skills Required For Negotiating With Your Partner

Effective negotiation for complex problems requires lots of openness about yourself, curiosity about your partner’s issues and emotional risk. It also takes listening really well!

 

Some Things Cannot Be Negotiated

Core values, integrity, spirituality, feelings, attitudes and trust can not be negotiated.

 

Do your best to separate interests and concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but not your core values or integrity. For example, it doesn’t work to say, “I’ll give up my spiritual beliefs for you.”

 

The Only Things You Can Really Negotiate Are Behavior And Decisions

You can negotiate what action someone will take and when they will do it, or you can negotiate a solution to a problem of disagreement.

 

How To Prepare To Negotiate

Ask yourself how you aspire to be during the negotiation. For example, calm, open, flexible, honest, understanding, curious. By following the guidelines you set for yourself, you will more easily focus on a successful outcome. This is an often overlooked aspect of negotiation. Staying conscious of your own guidelines will help keep you centered and focused. Write your guidelines on a piece of paper and keep glancing at them during the negotiation. You will come across like an experienced negotiator simply by staying consistent with your own guidelines.

 

Before you start the negotiation, quietly reflect on the following questions:

 

What do I want? Why do I want it and why is it important?

 

How important is this to me?

 

To get what I want, what will I need to do and what will my partner need to do?

 

If I get most of what I want what is the positive and negative effect on my partner?

 

How can I make it easier for my partner to say yes?

 

However, it may be difficult for my partner to give me most of what I want because _________________________________________________________________.

 

I may be able to increase the benefits to my partner by _________________________.

 

I may be able to decrease the downside to my partner by ______________________.

 

Add other relevant information that has not been suggested here.

 

You don’t need to answer every question and complete every statement sequentially in a dialogue with your partner. But as you get mentally clear about these issues it will make it easier to conversationally express your concerns and desires.

 

Start By Stating the Area of Disagreement

 

It is important to describe the issue as disagreement instead of as a problem. It is very difficult to say “The problem is ___________” without blaming your partner or yourself. This actual or implied blame leads to a defensive reaction from one or both parties. The negotiation then begins to slip like a house built on loose gravel.

 

State the disagreement in the form, “We seem to disagree about _______________.”

 

Then take turns expressing what your concerns and desires are about the disagreement.

 

Describe Concerns About the Subject

One person goes first and expresses all their concerns while the other listens without rebutting or defending anything. The response is simply to recap and check for understanding. It may also be necessary to ask questions for clarity.

 

Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, “Did it ever occur to you that…?”

 

Brainstorm Solutions

After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires, and each of you feels understood, then it is time for brainstorming solutions. Think of several possible solutions.

 

When One partner proposes a solution

 

Make the suggested proposal in the following format:

 

Honey, what I suggest is _______________________________________________.

 

This suggestion works for me because ____________________________________.

 

This suggestion might work for you because _______________________________.

 

The Rationale For This “Formula”

 

It encourages being a good self advocate.

 

Simultaneously it forces you to consider your partner’s perspective and helps prevent the possibility of only stubbornly pushing your own desires.

 

The Other Partner Responds

 

If the partner agrees with the whole suggestion, then recap why it works.

 

If the partner does not agree then start with recapping the part that does work.

 

The part that does work is ________________________________.

 

The part that doesn’t work is ______________________________.

 

So my alternative suggestion is ____________________________.

 

This suggestion works for me because _______________________.

 

And it might work for you because __________________________.

 

Add value to your offers. Keep finding ways to make it easier for your partner to say yes.

 

Remember – this negotiation is only an experiment. Nobody is locked into a permanent solution. It is only for a period of time to see what if anything needs adjusting.

 

Repeat suggestions until agreement is reached.

 

Take Action

 

If action is appropriate, decide who will do what by when.

 

Decide for how long you will try this solution.

 

Evaluation

 

After the action phase come back and evaluate the results.

 

If things are fine, continue for another block of time.

 

Round Two, Three, Etc.

 

If it didn’t work out as well as hoped, each person begins by saying, “Honey, it didn’t work the way I hoped, but here is what I could have done differently.” Don’t start by stating what your partner should have done differently.

 

Then repeat appropriate steps above.

 

Don’t be discouraged if your first attempts at this new negotiation strategy are awkward. This is challenging territory for most couples. Keep trying, and you’ll improve.

Good luck, and may all your disagreements lead you to more lively collaboration.

 

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Since 1984, they have helped people create extraordinary relationships. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TV programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For more information and to subscribe to their free monthly newsletter, “Love that Lasts”, Couplesinstitute.com.

Relationship Expert Aiyana Ma’at Talks About Giving Ultimatums On The Michael Baisden Show


Have you ever found yourself in a space of dissatisfaction in your relationship and thought about resorting to ultimatums to get your needs met?  How did that work out?  Recently, Aiyana Ma’at was invited to speak on this exact topic on the Michael Baisden Show where she spoke about ultimatums being fear based and problematic because they create more resistance from your mate and have the potential to place more distance between the “present” behavior and the behavior you desire in your relationship.  Check out the interview and let us know what you think.

 

How To Manage Conflict In Your Marriage

By Ian Williamson

No matter how happy a married couple looks like, their marriage is not without occasional conflicts. Having conflicts in marriage life is normal. It isbrought about by the natural differences of the couple. However, if the gravity and frequency of conflicts inside a marriage keeps on elevating to new heights, the risk of destroying the marriage is always there.

Managing conflict is an important ingredient of a healthy marriage. Listed below are some conflict management tools which apply to different situations related to conflict resolutions inside marriage.

-Mind the person, not the differences

Most often than not, serious marriage conflicts are related to smaller things that add up and eventually burst. Marriage entails that the spouses love each other for who they are and small annoying things should be taken for granted. Understanding each other especially with little things will help trengthen the relationship and give a general sense of belongingness to both the spouses.

-Do not compare

It is never a good idea to compare your spouse with the spouse of others, even if it is intended for fun. The grass ain’t greener on the other side of the fence. There’s good and bad in all people, but the problem is that people tend to see the bad traits in their spouses. Marriage means belongingness and spouses should make their partners feel that they belong together.

-Stay in love

Entering in marriage does not mean the end of fun. Couples tend to be more serious when they enter in marriage, thus, leaving out all the passion and the fun. Keeping the feeling of being in love is the main foundation of a successful marriage.  However happy a couple is inside a marriage, there will come a time when they will face conflicts. But being in conflict with each other is not the end of it all. Here is some more useful advice in dealing with conflicts in marriage.

-Control instincts

People tend to resort to anger, hatred and disrespect when confronting their partners. Remember that conflict resolution does not necessarily have to entail violence and hurt. Talking with an open heart and an unclouded mind will really help resolve the conflict.

-Reaffirm one another

Couples should reaffirm their willingness to resolve the conflict by saying in their own words what the other one is saying and act according to the resolutions which were made.  Differences do not necessarily have to end in conflicts and conflicts do not necessarily have to end in a cold and heartless marriage.   Always find love in marriage and everything will fall in place.



4 Ways Your Reaction Is Ruining Your Relationship

By Aiyana Ma’at

I have a question for you. How do you respond to your husband or wife when they try to talk to you about “touchy” or “difficult” subjects? Really, just pause for a second and be honest with yourself. Do you provide a safe or hostile environment for your spouse to come and talk to you? Are you warm and inviting or cold and stand-offish? Do you ignore your spouse when they bring up things that are important to them or do you encourage them and let them know in your verbal and non-verbal body language that you are all ears?

Sometimes relationship issues crop up and then become worse and worse because they never get discussed and dealt with. Sometimes this is because both partners are avoiding the issues but sometimes one person’s reactions can be part of the problem. If your spouse tries to talk to you about your relationship issues and you ignore them or get sarcastic and rude, how are things being resolved and why would he or she ever want to approach you again?

Most of the time it’s easier to just ignore issues than it is to try and speak to someone that reacts in these ways, so one spouse might just shut down. This certainly doesn’t help anyone. All of your relationship issues need to be brought up and out in the open but no one can do that if the reaction they get is so negative.

Take a look at some examples of reactions that are just flat out WRONG and if you see yourself anywhere–stop playing and start pushing to get it RIGHT.

WRONG: when your spouse is talking you start walking….out the room, into the bathroom, in the kitchen, etc. It’s amazing how folks seem to get inspired to start cleaning up or cooking, etc. when an important topic comes up.

RIGHT: stop, pause, and pay attention when the love of your life has something important to share. Not pausing physically sends the message that you are unwilling to stop mentally and emotionally to hear what is on the heart of your spouse.

WRONG: texting, checking email, or just messing around on your cell phone, ipad, or some other computer device while your spouse is trying to talk to you.

RIGHT: In the age of social media it is far too easy to get distracted or sidetracked by a “ding” or vibration from your phone and now a days we act like we just have to see who or what it is right now. C’mon now. Show some respect. Turn the phone off or turn it to silent. You will spend far less in grief, hurt, and energy when you take 10, 15, or 30 minutes (and, yes, at times even more) to concentrate on what your spouse is feeling and thinking than you will with all of the half had conversations that will continue to keep popping up just because you won’t focus.

WRONG: Your spouse starts talking about an issue and you say something inappropriate like “Awwww, here we go!” or you let out a big sigh or say something sarcastic or rude like “It’s really not that serious is it?”. C’mon, do you really think comments like those are going to help when all is said and done?

RIGHT: If you find that it’s truly not a good time for you to talk try something like this: “Baby, I know this  is important to you and I really do want to hear what you have to say but this isn’t the best time. Because, I don’t want you to think that I’m just trying to get out of having this conversation right now I want to suggest that we talk later on tonight after the kids are in the bed so we can have some uninterrupted time.

WRONG: Your spouse brings something up and there is dead (you can hear a pin drop) silence after they finish talking. 1 minute passes, 3 minutes, 5 minutes and you ain’t said NOTHING. Your spouse is wondering if you heard them, if you’re purposefully trying to aggravate them, should they repeat themselves….what?! They might as well be talking to a wall! (ya’ll can tell this one right here might be a little familiar and particularly annoying to me…lol.)

RIGHT: Any time any one says something to you, not just your spouse, it would do you well to acknowledge what has been said. How about a word of confirmation or validation? How about  a “You know, what you said is really making me think. Let me think some more about what you said and get back with you”. The key here is to really follow up and get back with your spouse—not in like 5 days. My general rule of thumb is that you need to have something to say within the next 24 hours. Even, if you’re still pondering the issue you need to come back to your spouse and communicate some of your preliminary thoughts and schedule another time to continue with the conversation.

BLAM Fam, How important is it for us married folks to discipline ourselves in the reactions we give to our spouses when they come to us with something that is important to them?

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.

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 CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE to have an opportunity to TELL YOUR STORY ABOUT INFIDELITY ON NATIONAL T.V.

CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

CLICK HERE to get our incredible COMMUNICATION PACKAGE so you can connect like you deserve to.

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