Love Is Not A Feeling. It Is A Way Of Behaving.

By Team BLAM

Love is sometimes the choice to go against your feelings. It’s similar to what I do every morning when I get up. I don’t know about you, but If I get out of bed in the mornings because I “felt” like getting out of bed, I’d pretty much never get up. Almost every morning, including this morning, I go against my feelings, get up, do something I think to be good, and before the day is over, I feel good about having done it. Love is not a feeling. Feelings follow behavior; therefore, loving feelings follow loving behavior. Loving actions on my part not only bring me positive feelings about myself, but, they will stimulate positive feelings inside of your partner.

Some may question the concept of showing intentional love to someone you’re really going through it with. Is it really realistic to show intentional love to someone you can honestly say you don’t like and are starting to resent? You have negative feelings, but you are doing or saying something positive.

The scholar C.C. Lewis once said:

The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering with whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you love someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less.

Remember BLAM Fam, people seldom drift to success. Loves takes effort. Our relationships are here to grow us, pleasure us, reward us, and challenge us. You want a strong relationship? Then act like it and the love will truly follow.

Adapted from How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk by John Van Epp, Ph.D.

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6 Ways You May Be Unknowingly Turning Off Your Partner

If you don’t understand what is important for the opposite sex, you won’t realize how much you you may be hurting your partner. A lot of times we are so caught up in how we’re feeling that we fail to truly communicate in a way that our partner can really hear us or in a way that they sincerely feel heard, validated, and supported. Because women and men’s primary love needs are different, we don’t instinctively anticipate each other’s needs. Let’s take a look at some of the mistakes men & women commonly make excerpted from world renowned relationship expert John Gray. Take notes and put what you learn into action. 🙂

Mistakes Women Commonly Make:

  1. She tries to improve his behavior or help him by offering unsolicited advice. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she doesn’t trust him anymore.
  2. She tries to change or control his behavior by sharing her upset or negative feelings. (It’s ok to share feelings but not when they attempt to manipulate or punish.) Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she doesn’t accept him as he is.
  3. She doesn’t acknowledge what he does for her but complains about what he has not done. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels taken for granted and unloved because she doesn’t appreciate what he does.
  4. She corrects his behavior and tells him what to do, as if her were a child. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because he doesn’t feel admired.
  5. She expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like “How could you do that?”. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.
  6. When he makes decisions or takes initiative she corrects or criticizes him. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she does not encourage him to do things on his own.

Mistakes Men Commonly Make:

  1. He doesn’t listen, gets easily distracted, doesn’t ask interested or concerned questions. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he is not attentive or showing that he cares.
  2. He takes her feelings literally and corrects her. He thinks she is asking for solutions so he gives advice. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t understand her.
  3. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t respect her feelings.
  4. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he is not devoted to her and doesn’t honor her as special.
  5. When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and unsupported.
  6. After listening he says nothing or just walks away. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels insecure because she doesn’t get the reassurance she needs.

We often fail each other because we instinctively give what we want. But, we need to learn what our partner wants. When we take the time to learn the opposite sex and more specifically our partner we will succeed in having the kind of relationship we want and deserve.


In This Moment You May Need A Band-Aid For Your Marriage

By Dr. Nadia Persun

Imagine a heavy-duty truck riding off the road, slipping down a hill and getting stuck in thick, sticky mud. Trying to get out, it desperately spins its wheels, mud flying everywhere with no resolve. After a long time, there is finally a hopeful sight of another car. The truck begins honking like mad, desperately wanting a much needed pull.

This is an allegory for many couples seeking therapy. They typically come at a high point of marital distress. The war has reached its peak; the partners are tired of fighting but unable to end it. Attempts to fix things only led to getting trapped deeper in a cycle of confrontation, standoff and increased feelings of hopelessness. They look at the therapist with a mix of hope and despair, ready to bargain for any quick solution. Deep inside, they sense a need for a major and complicated repair, but their pain is so intense that they want anything, to feel at least a bit better now.

The therapist, being that little car faced with the grave demand for a major lift, may simultaneously feel empathetic and overwhelmed. Even though it is true that there are no quick fixes, it is fair to expect that couples want some relief. What quick strategies can distressed couples use?

Strategies to Help a Troubled Marriage

One recommendation is to slow down, back off, and give yourself a major timeout. It may be contrary to what many couples tend to do in conflict. Feeling rejected and misunderstood, a partner typically increases the intensity of the pursuit to keep the marriage together, while also trying to apply some new solutions obtained from self-help books, magazines, and helpful friends. The spouse is only becoming increasingly overwhelmed, while disagreements intensify.

Think of driving on a highway and getting lost. What do you do? You probably do not push the gas pedal to its limit, hoping that divine intervention delivers you to your destination. You slow down and may even stop to read the map, to get your bearings, and then proceed with caution. The same advice applies to a marriage in crisis: when you don’t know what to do and are feeling lost, slow down and do nothing for a while. It is not a good long-term strategy, but is certainly more preferable in times of marital crisis. Take time to calm down, regroup, and think of reasonable solutions.

Second, avoid getting stuck in a crossfire of disagreements. Concentrate on one issue at a time and evaluate the pros or cons of your spouse’s preference calmly and fairly. Identify one issue that you disagree about, a point of tension that commonly leads to fights. Be specific and avoid being vague and generalizing, as “We can never agree on anything!” For instance, a wife who was a stay-at-home mom for years desires to go back to work, while her husband disagrees with this decision. They have opposite, mutually exclusive goals about handling this situation. They are convinced of their own point of view and prepared to give multiple arguments to justify their preference and dismiss the ones of their mate. What is likely to happen if they begin talking about the issue with no restraint or agreed-upon rules? A crossfire of arguments and an increase in anger likely will result.

Instead, they may agree to discuss this issue on two separate occasions, taking place on different days, picking a time when both are feeling relaxed. They agree to follow the rules: On a first meeting, they only give and discuss the reasons why going to work is a good decision, while on the second meeting, they only express and review the reasons against it. Both times, the spouses record their opinions to create “pro” and “con” lists. Each discussion ends in thirty minutes, after both partners have expressed themselves, by thanking each other, then moving on to doing other things.

These two talks take place one or two days apart from each other and spouses refrain from continuing to talk further about the issue. Next time, this topic is discussed with the counselor. Even though the issue may not be resolved, spouses may be comforted to have their partner on their side, supportive and willing to listen.

Many disagreements stem from our frustrated need for respect and appreciation. Just listening without interrupting, refraining from being contradictory and judgmental, while staying calm and patient are very important steps for partners in learning to get along better. Even though there is no quick way to solve marital issues, these steps can be implemented quickly to soothe the tension and begin healing.

Dr. Nadia Persun obtained her degree at the University of Chicago. She is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Illinois, specializing in treatment of anxiety disorders, adolescent issues, marital and other issues related to relationships, love and intimacy.

Source

7 Cures For Common Relationship Issues

By Lanesha Townsend

From not enough money to too much stress, there are many common triggers for relationship issues. But can your union be saved?
According to the top relationship experts, there are certain things you need to understand about yourself and your partner:

1. Understand relationship phases.

Relationships have three general phases: romantic, conflict and commitment. Unless they’re sending you a serious red flag, it’s hard to figure out if someone’s a keeper in the romantic phase.

“This is the stage where it’s all fun,” says Richo, a psychotherapist (DaveRicho.com) and author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships (Shambhala). “Neither person will show their dark side very much, so you don’t have a picture of the whole person.”

So when do you really know whether he’s that special someone? When the masks come off, says Richo. Which is why fighting from the very start about money, work and how many times you have sex a week can threaten even the most promising unions.

What’s key is how you handle these relationship stages and working through relationship issues appropriately.

2. Admit your emotional dependence.

Making an emotional connection is what people hunger for the most, says Sue Johnson, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa and author of Hold Me Tight (Little Brown and Company).

Recognizing and admitting that you’re emotionally dependent on your partner can transform key moments in your relationship and bring you closer than ever.

“All the evidence shows that when you feel safe, connected and sure, you’re better at taking care of your partner, at talking about everything from kids to sex,” Johnson says. As a result, you’ll have a more satisfying sex life.

People often feel ashamed about needing emotional ties. “Not just men either,” she says. “Women say this means I’m weak or immature. I shouldn’t need this comfort from him.”

3. Show your love the right way.

Attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection – as well as respect for each other’s deepest needs and wishes – is the foundation of a good relationship, Richo says. To improve your relationship, help your partner know what he means to you by expressing these 4 A’s.

“Love isn’t based on the amount of adrenaline we feel coursing through our bodies, but rather whether we’re present in those five ways,” he says. “I know I love someone when I show those four A’s and I know they love me when they show them in return.”

Unfortunately, we often mistake that first rush of hormones for true love.

“The pitter-patter excitement of a heart skipping a beat is all OK in the romantic phase,” Richo explains, “but that can’t be your ultimate test of whether love is real.”

4. Embrace “Me, me, me!”

Sound selfish? Not at all, says Alison Armstrong, founder of the Understanding Men series of workshops (UnderstandMen.com) and author of Making Sense of Men (Pax Programs).

“Before you commit to someone else, get clear about what is most important in your life and spend your time, money and energy on that.”

In fact, most people are attracted to those who feel comfortable in their own skin, she says.

CLICK HERE to read more.

My Man Refuses To Help Around The House….HELLPP!!!!!


BLAM FAM help this viewer out by letting her know what you think.

Video: My husband and I have been married for a long time but I have just recently started working full time. I thought it would be a good idea to set some guidelines for household responsibilities since i am no longer at home as freqently as I used to be. I thought it would be a good idea for whoever cooks the other cleans the kitchen and puts the food away and for us to both do the laundry on Saturday. He thinks this is a bad idea but doesn’t have a better solution. How can I get him to see this is the best way to keep our house clean and our children clothed in clean clothes? HOw can i get him on board?

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SPEAK LOVE RIGHT: A Pathway To Deeper Connection & Desirable Communication

By Team Blam

We’re excited yall!!! Forreal..we’re really really excited.  We’re excited because we’ve created an INSTANTLY AVAILABLE, DOWNLOADABLE relationship education package that is sure to have you and your partner communicating on a whole other level.  It’s a beautiful experience witnessing couples talk with each other when they rarely talk at all.  It’s a refreshing experience to hear couples say “I love you”, after it’s been months of no affection.  It’s a soothing experience to feel couples connect through words of vulnerability after years of friction, frustration, and being FED UP. We see this all the time when we work with couples…and we’ve created our Speak Love Right Package….to further help individuals and couples that are quietly suffering from communication woes, yet desperately want and deserve to experience the beautiful, refreshing, and soothing essence of what true connection and good communication is all about.  This is wayyy bigger than just helping you get your communication back on track.  THIS PACKAGE WILL ALSO HELP YOU MAKE YOUR GOOD COMMUNICATION EVEN “GOODER” : ) for those of you who are already on point.   The exercises in the workbook alone are priceless and have helped many many many folks across the country.

If you’re anything like us you’re probably thinking …how much is it?

WELL………

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It’s time to elevate the way you communicate yall. 

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How many times have you been in the middle of a conversation with your “boo” and felt like he/she DOESN’T GET what I’m saying?  How many times have you heard your spouse say, “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME”?  How many times have you sat next to your spouse, wanting to share something, but too afraid to open your mouth because you’re anticipating a negative response?  How often have you wanted to emotionally connect with your sweetheart BUT were just missing the words to make that happen.  If you’ve raised your hand to all of these questions, guess what….YOU  ARE NOT ALONE.  We’ve experienced all of these in our relationship at one point or another and we ain’t ashamed to say it.  Feeling these feelings are a part of learning to live with, be with, and love someone other than yourself.  So exhale and wrap your arms around yourself because YOU ARE O.K.

One of the ways in which we navigate through rough spots in our relationship is to constantly reinforce our spirits with positive messages and concrete strategies that keep us focussed on staying connected.  Because of this we have a phenomenal relationship even after 18 years of being together.  We are best friends.  We are soul mates.  We are in love.  We are in tune with each other like never before.  We give thanks for this and take none of it for granted.

Truth be told we wouldn’t be where we are today if we didn’t communicate like we do.  It’s hard to connect if your communication is all jacked up. Right?  Since you are probably like us, constantly seeking new ways to improve your relationship, we’ve decided to share with you some of what we’ve learned in our SPEAK LOVE RIGHT PACKAGE. You’ll definitely be informed, inspired, and challenged to take your relationship game to the next level.  You’ll be able to learn over 25 different barriers and building blocks to effective communication.  You’ll see what’s getting in the way of you connecting the way you deserve to connect through reading our E-BOOK.

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In our AUDIO PROGRAM you will be able to get instant access to over 2 hours of insight and inspiration that has already helped thousands of people.  We answer real questions and solve real problems that people are having in their relationship …..and we do it with a little bit of “real talk”.

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 You’ll also be given 7 specific exercises you and your sweetheart can engage in to have your connection and communication on FIYAHHH …through our WORKBOOK.  We can’t tell yall the how many couples have cried tears of revelation and relief from engaging in these exercises.  For more than 30 days …you will be instructed through the workbook to do something specific to work on communication in your relationship.   Lastly, you’ll get 3 BONUS EXERCISES that will add a little sweetness to what you’ll be experiencing.  The exercises in this workbook alone are worth the SPEAK LOVE RIGHT PACKAGE sale price.

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This ain’t no joke yall ….if you want to take your relationship to the next level, you’ve got to get our SPEAK LOVE RIGHT PACKAGE.  We use the exercises in our relationship, we give the exercises to couples we work with, and we want you to witness and experience the benefits that come from learning to SPEAK LOVE RIGHT.

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IT’S TIME TO STOP PLAYING AND START PUSHING YALL!!

*note* if there’s any issue at all with receiving the SPEAK LOVE RIGHT PACKAGE after you purchase email info@bintentional.com and we’ll take care of it A.S.A.P

10 Ways To Improve Communication With Your Spouse And Children

By Matthew Toone

Each of us desire to be better parents, to improve our relationship with our spouse, to raise our kids properly, and to enjoy close and positive family relationships. And we even understand that positive, uplifting, and proper communication with our spouse and children is absolutely essential in accomplishing this goal. The question is how? While the answer to this question is difficult, different for each parent and family, and certainly has many answers – there is one answer we can all agree on. Ironically the answer is simple in theory but difficult in practice – it is that we each need to make more time for family, for our spouse, and for our children. And often, the best things we can do during that time … is to just TALK!

Let me suggest 10 ways we can make more time for our spouse, children, and family – and in the process, improve not only our marriage and family communication, but ultimately save our marriages and raise a wonderful family.

1) Monthly Child/Parent Dates: Fathers and Mothers should take each child out individually once a month. What do you do on this date … just be together, have fun, laugh and talk. Go for ice cream, go out to eat, watch a game or movie – just be together. The place does not matter, the consistency does. Thus, you are creating a relationship of not only friendship, but of trust so that your children will come to you with questions and concerns they face in the future.

2) Time is a Friend: Here is a challenge for you – the next time your get frustrated or upset with your spouse or a child, rather than reacting right then in the moment, take a few minutes to walk away from the situation and think about how you should react. Allowing a little bit of time before reacting allows you to gain composure, respond appropriately, and thus communicate effectively. Discipline, apologies, or teaching may still be necessary – but now it is done in love and control rather than frustration and anger. This is important not only for you, but to show an example to children of proper communication and ensuring they perceive you as a loving (while still disciplining) parent … for reactions in anger towards children only result in rebellion, which is coupled with ineffective communication.

3) Weekly Family Planning Time: Make it a habit to get together every week to not only plan and communicate, but to spend time as a family. Go over everyone’s calendar items, provide an opportunity for family members to talk about questions or concerns, and use this meeting as a time to teach, correct, and express love. To be effective, don’t just exchange information, but also feelings! In addition, make sure you also have fun by setting aside time to just play games, watch a movie, have some candy, and just be together.

4) Just Turn It Off: If there is one thing every parent has been guilty of, it is trying to watch a TV show, listen to a radio station or song in the car, or reading a book, newspaper, or magazine – and little Sally comes up and wants to tell you something or just play. At this decisive moment, turning off the TV, radio, or putting the book or magazine aside may seem like a small thing, but the positive ramifications of such an action will inevitably result in an effective communication environment in the home – now and later. When Sally is a teenager faced with peer pressure, questions, and important decisions – thankfully she will come to parent(s) who fostered opportunities for talking, listening, laughing, and effective communication during the early years – long before the moment of temptation and decisions of peer pressure arose.

5) Nighttime Talks: Perhaps one of the most effective ways to build trust, friendship, and a relationship with your child is simply just to ‘talk’ and ‘listen’ to them as they are going to bed. Go in their room and just spend a few minutes with them. Talk. Listen. Laugh. Teach. Love. It does not have to be every night, nor does it have to be long or even serious every time. But it should be sincere – and often! And remember that listening is not simply looking at, nodding, or being silent. Effective listening requires effort, undivided attention, sincere and helpful responses, asking the right questions, and time.

6) Family Dinner: If there is one thing that I can contribute to the strong relationships, friendships, trust, and love that I personally feel for my siblings and parents – it is the fact that we had a meal together every night growing up.  I realize that everyone is (and always has been) busy with varying activities and schedules … but perhaps we need to spend less time making excuses and more time MAKING TIME for what and who is most important.

7) Weekly Dates With Your Spouse: Now, I have two children, and I thus know how extremely difficult it is to do the very thing I am suggesting here. But – no excuses. I, and all of us, simply need to make time and do it. However, as part of that date, ensure you make time just to talk, listen, express affection and appreciation, and do everything you can to stay away from those media influences that seem to only promote infidelity and destroy marriages.

8) Discipline, Control, and Improve Your Natural Tendencies: It is much easier to use foul language and unkind words than it is to train our tongue. It is natural to respond selfishly and angrily when someone has intentionally – or unintentionally – wronged us. And a rude remark, an uncontrolled temper, and the desire for revenge is unfortunately promoted everywhere in the media influences that continue to portray a decline in moral values and human decency. However, regardless of how easy, natural, or popular it may be – we must learn to control our tongues, discipline our thoughts, control our temper, and not speak and act as the masses. Use kind words. Think of and treat your spouse as an equal. Discipline your children in love, only after you have allowed time to gain composure. And remember, it is not easy for any of us, and it requires daily effort.

9) Be Worthy of Trust and Maintain Confidences: This advice obviously applies to both your children, as well as your spouse. Trust them – and live and act so they can trust you. Keep promises, maintain confidences, and always be true to them. The moment trust is broken, communication falls apart.

10) Make Time for Family: When you come home from work, be home mentally and not just physically. Specifically set aside time (MAKE TIME) for family to just be together – to talk, laugh, cry, play games, have fun, and just spend time together.

Perhaps the secret to improving family and marital communication is not so much in what we say and how we say it, but simply making time for each other. As evidenced in the majority of tips listed above, effective communication is the result of MAKING TIME for those who matter most. The topic of conversation is of little importance compared to the necessity of making time – just to talk, laugh, and be together – with your spouse and children! And never forget that this isn’t about finding the time, it is about making time. As a result, not only will communication improve, but relationships will be strengthened, trust will be developed, children will feel loved, and perhaps even marriages and families will be saved!

Matthew Toone is the founder of Tips4Families.com – a website full of helpful parenting advice, fun games and activities, traditions and holiday ideas, and tips and articles for families everywhere.

Surviving The Storm In Your Marriage

By Mark Webb

Every marriage will go through times of challenge. Some marriages will be strengthened while others will be destroyed. Tough times may be as common as financial problems or the aftermath of a hurtful argument. Marriages may suffer as the result of a miscarriage or the death of a loved one. Whatever challenge you face, remember this:

It is better to be prepared for tough times and not have them than to have tough times and not be prepared.

Here are five of the essential principles to strengthen your relationship and give you an edge during times of adversity.

1) Be Mindful Not To Worry. If something needs to be fixed, fix it if you can but remember that worry never fixes anything. Worrying is a waste of time and energy. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere. Worry prevents you from seeing hope and solutions. Besides, most things we worry about never happen.

2) Be Patient Towards Your Partner. Patience is an excellent remedy for the tough times you will go through. You love your partner so don’t choose the moments of crisis to come down on them. Don’t let stress sway you into losing perspective. Realize that if you are not careful, adversity can damage your relationship. Stay away from blaming, using criticism to make a point, lecturing, sarcasm and name calling. Everything becomes possible again when love and patience are present.

3) Practice Forgiveness…It is amazing how quickly someone will turn on the person they love. Don’t let upset feelings infect your relationship. Resentments close the door on the possibility of a bright future. Love is a continous act of forgiveness. Everybody likes the idea of forgiveness until they have to be the one to forgive. If you want your relationship to be better than most, you must instill this habit of forgiveness.

4) Use Your Sense Of Humor. A laughing couple is much stronger than an arguing or withdrawn couple. If you can find humor in the challenge you are facing you can survive it. Laughter dissapates hopelessness. You cannot argue and laugh at the same time. It is impossible. The choice is up to you.

5) Vow To Stay Connected. Stand together against adversity. Promise to endure throughout the storms that most likely will come your way at some point or another. Staying connected takes practice. People commonly choose to withdraw from each other at times of trouble. This distance may feel safer but it does long term damage to the relationship. If you truly love your partner then vow “We will get through this, Together!”

You are the only one who is responsible for your character. Do not let other people or circumstances determine your actions. If there is goodness in your relationship, then it is worth fighting for. Give your partner a message of committed reassurance. Let them know, “I’m Here For You.” and “We Will Get Through This.”

Things To Keep In Mind During The Tough Times

1) Don’t blame each other for the situation.

2) Lower your expectations of one another until the crisis subsides. Eat leftovers or fastfood. Don’t worry too much about the housework.

3) Remind yourself that the tough times won’t last forever.

4) Don’t take advice from people who have a negative attitude.

5) Ask for help from family and friends.

6) Remember your love and commitment to each other.

7) It’s okay to let the answering machine take your calls.

8) Reduce your stress by exercising and getting plenty of sleep.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships?. You can visit his website at Powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

STOP Abusing Your Husband!

By Mrs. Hill

When my daughter was born, my husband kept doing things wrong: picking her up from the wrong side, folding wraps the wrong way, not being fast enough, deserting me too often when I was stuck with her in the bedroom breastfeeding. So I started yelling at him, he was avoiding me and it made me even more angry and frustrated, we were too tired to discuss things so I would explode from time to time and he would try to avoid me escaping to computer games, shops or friends. Vicious circle, downward spiral…

In other respects we were fine, we would still have fun and take care of our girl and be ecstatic that we are parents of such a bright child. When my daughter was around 5 months old, my husband realized that this pattern of communication became my new way of treating him and so he made a sarcastic remark that made me stop. Instantly. I have never relapsed to this style because his sarcastic comment made me realize that the educated, smart, beautiful mother and wife just should not degrade to this style of communication. He is usually very gentle with me and it made me realize that I have overstepped all sorts of boundaries. I am so grateful to him for this sarcastic remark, probably it saved us at the time.

So if you yell at your husband, children, cat, yourself. Just stop it. It is not you. It cannot be you. The real woman lives in peace with herself and everybody around. How come such a beautiful woman who can read and write and has achieved so much in life is degrading to yelling?

What is worse than yelling? Abuse: physical and emotional which most often starts with yelling.

So, you do not yell?

Sorry, it can be even worse. Have you ever heard of families where they never yell, they are fine and then they divorce. Turns out they were the most miserable in their marriage and you would have never even picked it up because they were able to put up such a good performance in public.

Weird. Not. Yelling is just one way of expressing frustration and anger.

What are other ways?

*        Snide remarks

*        Criticism

*        Nagging

*        Irritability

*        Sour face in a mild scenario and depression in severe cases

For a man, all these are just a manifestation of his inability to make his wife happy. When he cannot make his wife happy, he avoids her, as it reminds him he is a loser. Does anybody want to be a loser?

Can you be unhappy? Yes, you have all rights to be unhappy in some cases. And you have all rights to tell him that you are unhappy. Do you have to yell while doing that? No. do you have to have a sour puss mask for him to get the point? No. He will be just thinking that his wife is a sour puss.

What would the Ninja Wife do?

There are so many solutions to it!

One solution is positive reinforcement, come on, we use it very patiently with kids and dogs! Husbands are much more sophisticated and they will get the point faster than a puppy. That if they give us a lot of flowers, and we are happy, they will give us even more flowers. Goes with anything. Most of the time, it is one and only solution you need. If you master it, you should not need anything else.

Other solution is asking for an advice. Yes, you are the real woman and you are strong and you know everything and you do not need his advice. But you were attracted to this man because he is smart and deserving. So, let him demonstrate it all. Instead of nagging that you do not have enough of money, just tell him that you would like to increase the income of the family and brainstorm together how it can be resolved. He will offer you millions of solutions and you will be both empowered.

Yet another solution would be to accept his little weaknesses and allow him to be a human, because you love him so much that these things are just not worth fighting over.

If what irritates you is a habit, you can explain that it is really hard for you to accept it and it is not the best habit for a man who is so perfect otherwise. If he forgets to greet you when he comes back home, you can introduce a fine for every time he enters the house and does not kiss you.

Create your own way but please do not degrade to nagging, yelling and putting down your husband with snide remarks.

Mrs. Hill has been married for 6 years and is committed to shedding a positive on marriage.  You can read more of her work at

NINJA WIFE.COM

Build Each Other Up Instead Of Tearing Each Other Down.

By Tom King

Sometimes I like to remind people that if you want someone to get better then try building him or her up rather than tearing him or her down. The idea of helping ourselves or others get better by trying to improve or correct our weaknesses is deeply ingrained.

Research, however, has clearly demonstrated that the way to achieve greatness is by building on strengths, not by improving weaknesses. This goes against our instincts but it is really important information for yourself and your marriage.
One important purpose of marriage is to help one another grow and become the best you can be.That can only happen if you know one another’s strengths and then support and encourage the development of those strengths.

Yes there are some flaws that need to be corrected but if that is your primary focus then results will be disappointing at best.
Focus for today:
• What are the things you do well that make you feel strong?
• Are you working on using your talents and strengths to improve life for you and your partner?
• What are the things your partner does well that you can encourage him or her to develop?
• Give your partner verbal appreciation for his or her best qualities

from YourTango.com

To read more from Tom King visit his website at : www.reimaginemarriage.com