I Ain’t Happy… And I Ain’t Leaving

By Jada Am I happy? No.  Am I leaving? No.  Do I close my eyes, hold my breath, and clinch the seam in my skirt hoping that the truth will miss me?  Yes.  But the truth never misses me.  I know my man is cheating on me.  How do I know you ask?  I know because he told me.

He did that damn dance of denial for the first three years of our marriage until I discovered her stank a$$ panties tucked inside my pillow case.  Can you believe that bullshit?  I couldn’t either.  I snapped. I almost knocked him out with the porcelin flower vase on our night stand….in my mind that is.

Really, I just asked him how could you…You dirty, non-committal, dum a$$, evil, motha-fuc!a.  Guess what he said….I’m sorry. Husband….Fu#@ your sorry because you Fu(@ed me everytime I closed my eyes, held my breath, and clinched the seam in my skirt hoping that the truth that I knew way before now would miss me.

Am I happy? No?  Am I leaving? No?  Am I healing? Yes.

*Note* The name of the author has been changed to protect her identity.  Should you find yourself in a similar situation feel free to connect with Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at for therapeutic support by CLICKING THE PIC BELOW. relationship experts

55 Signs Your Spouse May Be Cheating On You

Here are some signs that can tip you off that you may have a cheating husband or cheating wife. Of course this list is for informational purposes only and should not be used as an excuse to go and whoop your partner’s a$$.  If you’re feeling uncertain about the connection you have with your partner we highly encourage you to be honest about what you’re feeling in a respectful way.  Should you need additional assistance to help you or yall work through your stuff…CLICK HERE to schedule a session with us (Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at)
Signs of a Cheating Spouse:

1) He just got a new cell phone but surprisingly the bill gets sent to his office address.

2) Your partner suddenly starts taking more business trips that last longer.

3) He no longer wants the baby seat in his car.

4) You can’t get your spouse to talk to you anymore.

5) Sex life? You hardly have sex any more.

6) Wow! Your sex life has suddenly taken off.

7) Your partner is paying way too much attention to you.

8) Your partner is ignoring you.

9) Your spouse is neglecting everyday chores and tasks.

10) He starts paying a lot of attention to a clean car. Everything is spotless inside and out.

11) You find you have to readjust the passenger seat every time you get in the car.

12) She seems to be working late at the office more than usual.

13) He has condoms even though you are on the birth control pill. She takes the pill even though you have had a vasectomy.

14) She just got a new male friend but she says not to worry because he’s gay or recently engaged.

15) Your partner is always running late.

16) When your partner comes home his hair is wet.

17) She always seems to be forgetting to wear her wedding ring.

18) He has suddenly taken up jogging when he normally only runs to the fridge.

19) You start smelling alcohol on her breath even though “she came straight home from work”.

20) Your Spidey senses are tingling. You just get the feeling that something is going on with your spouse. Your intuition or gut feeling is talking to you.

21) He starts to buy new clothes and starts looking REALLY, REALLY good.

22) She gets a new email address and doesn’t tell you about it.

23) She races you to the mail box to get the phone bill first.

24) You notice charges on your credit card statement that make no sense.

25) Your spouse seems more secretive. They are definitely hiding something.

26) You can’t get your partner to fight anymore even when you try really hard to make him or her mad.

27) Your partner doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore.

28) He/She goes to another room to make private phone calls.

29) Your partner’s friends seem to be uncomfortable around you — like they know something.

30) You start getting an unusual number of telephone hang-ups.

31) Your partner encourages you to take a vacation alone.

32) Your spouse starts getting defensive when you ask if something is going on.

33) Your partner starts wearing new cologne or perfume.

34) You notice lipstick on his collar, or worse — on his underwear!

35) She deletes the phone log on her cell phone at least 5 times a day.

36) He turns off his cell phone when you are together like he is afraid to take a call beside you.

37) She becomes paranoid and uncomfortable even when you ask the most innocent questions.

38) Your partner spends many hours on the computer or phone after you’ve gone to bed.

39) Your partner has set up special security on the computer that you can’t access.

40) The internet browser history is deleted whenever you go to use a shared computer.
41) Your partner is spending less and less time with you.

42) She never seems to be at her desk when you call.

43) Use your nose. Your partner smells differently when they leave the house in the morning compared to when they come home in the evening. A different cologne or soap smell.

44) Your spouse suddenly becomes interested in new, different types of music.

45) Your partner starts talking differently, using different phrases and sayings and knowing more on a new subject.

46) Your spouse has unusual scratches or bruises on their neck, back or arms and you know the cat is not responsible.

47) Your partner has his/her cell phone locked down better than Fort Knox.

48) He never returns your calls when he’s out.

49) Your spouse’s underwear never makes it to the laundry or it appears to be rinsed before getting to the laundry hamper.

50) He heads to the shower or brushes his teeth as soon as he walks in the door.

51) He starts buying new underwear.

52) She buys new underwear and always wears matching bras and panties.

53) He starts doing his own laundry.

54) Your spouse starts receiving small unexplained gifts.

55) He learns how to remove hair. He now clips his nose hairs, trims his pubic hair and tweezes the hair growing out of his ears.

You’ve Got To Face Infidelity To Fight Infidelity

By Babara Longsworth

The pain that one feels when he/she was cheated on by his/her spouse is immeasurable. And infidelity is one of the reasons why many marriages end up in divorce. When your spouse has cheated on you, there are a lot of questions that would come to your mind such as were you at fault and why your spouse went astray. If you are the wife, you may be asking yourself, have you not loved him enough? Did you not satisfy him enough? And many other questions that are hard to fathom for a lot of individuals who have encountered this type of marital problem.

It is hard to accept the situation when you are betrayed by someone you have given your trust to. This betrayal can cause a lot of anxiety, as well as physical and emotional pain. How can you overcome this excruciating pain? This kind of pain can possibly cost you, your life’s happiness. This is especially more hurtful when you know that you have given your all in this relationship.

There are some individuals who are in denial when they learn about their spouse’s infidelities. They try to ignore the issue and pretend that everything is fine. Will this kind of reaction help to solve the issue? Will the problem go away, if you just brush it off? The answer is NO. It is a fact that knowing and accepting the truth will hurt a lot, but you have to understand that denying a fact will be more hurtful, in the long run, than accepting the truth.

You need to learn to accept the things that are happening to your marriage or relationship because this is the only way you can rise above all these obstacles. And in order to overcome the pain you may wish to seek professional help. A professional relationship coach may be able to help you and guide you on the right path in order to heal the pain that your spouse’s infidelity has caused. Talking and listening to someone who has experienced what you have experienced, and ended up successful in overcoming the hurt, can be beneficial to you and your family.

You have to remember, you cannot resolve a marital problem, such as infidelity, by ignoring the issue. You have to face the problem and deal with it. It’s helpful to remember that you’re not the only one who is experiencing this type of situation. It is a fact that a large percentage of marriages have dissolved because of infidelity. We cannot deny this and few can avoid this possibility. But there are some things you can do to overcome it and be healed so that you may live the life that you deserve. One filled with serenity, happiness and love.

If You Really Loved Me …You Wouldn’t Hurt Me

VIDEO: Have you ever had someone hurt you in a relationship but swore up and down that they loved you? Your response was probably “if you really loved me you wouldn’t hurt (lie, steal, cheat) me”. What if we said that’s not true. Listen to this video and hear how it’s possible for love and hurt to coexist. “Note* We are not excusing inappropriate behavior…we are examining it.”

I’m Afraid To Re-Commit After The Affair

By: Daryl Campbell

The two of you did your very best to get on with the marriage after an affair. It isn’t that you’re pretending as if nothing took place.

What your mate did damaged you terribly. There is no denying this needless to say however the both of you are still in love with each other. Nobody really wants to terminate the partnership so your most effective strategy is to try to get some sort of counseling plus work to alter your current ways of life. Your significant other asked you for forgiveness and also seemed to be sincerely remorseful for what they have put you through.

Therefore you did accept the apology understanding that there’s a great deal of mutual labor in front of you in order to save the marriage after an affair. The two of you appeared to be aware of that initially, however as time passed you couldn’t help but observe a few of the old routines coming back in regards to your own partner’s tendencies. One example is their secretiveness seems to have came back. To be sure it isn’t as awful as it was when they were unfaithful nonetheless it is still present.

At this point your mind starts flying. All the old suspicions you experienced regarding the mate’s faithfulness are coming back stronger than ever. You don’t desire to head down this path just as before because you are pretty sure this time around you honestly may decide to throw in the towel. No person needs to stay in constant anxiety wondering if their own other half is out there doing something they’ve got absolutely no business doing. Indeed countless husbands and wives finally end up getting divorced rather than going through the headache time and time again.

When you talk to your partner about their secrecy they will say they genuinely were not conscious it was happening and promise to be much more translucent with their activities.

Saving the marriage after an affair sorry to say is not normally likely to be one smooth simple path to healing. There is going to be a considerable amount of fits and starts.. After all making way of living adjustments especially after anything so distressing as adultery will be very difficult for both individuals. Nonetheless there are several questions you could ask yourself combined with observations you can make to see if your relationship is actually making progress. These will help considerably in determining whether your fears and misgivings are warranted.

1. Are They Really Changing? 

Is the significant other giving you empty rhetoric or have they made a real attempt to improve their own habits? If that’s so how sizeable has the change been? Turning over a new leaf isn’t very easy and there is bound to be jolts as you go along therefore it is ok to take that into account. However, if the actual change is few and far between or they fall back into the bad habits too often then this is only going to make your current suspicions more intensive.

2. Clear And Forthcoming

For your relationship to succeed after an affair will mean that your spouse should be very honest and clear in their dealings to you. The wall that is built as a result of infidelity in marriage needs to disappear. No more obscure statements such as “I’m heading out for a little bit.” Instead if your mate is serious about rebuilding the trust then it gets down to letting you know exactly where they’re going, how long and a phone number you are able to get in touch with them. In case your husband or wife has a cellular telephone then they should let you know that it is going to be on.

3. The Apology Plus The Follow-Up

You understand your spouse as a result only you’ll be able to measure the caliber of the actual apology they give you along with the degree of truthfulness and commitment in order to fix your spousal relationship. One thing is obvious. You have to see your significant other taking a highly active role in fixing the problems which may be at the root of their betrayal. This specifically means not letting them make a myriad of lame excuses as to why they did it. There is a huge difference between doing that and genuinely exploring on where the marriage came undone.

I’m Getting Married In 1 Month BUT I Don’t Trust My Woman

Infidelity can wreak havoc in your relationship. Once the trust is lost it’s difficult to find. In order to find it…you have to keep looking, keep working, and keep believing that you will one day have it again. It ain’t easy but it’s possible. When you find it…you’ll know. We encourage you to have it…BEFORE you get married.  Check out the video and let us know what you think.

For an INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING/COUNSELING SESSION click the link below
http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/black-marriage-services-take-a-class/relationship-coaching-counseling/

To get the first part of the relationship inspiration audio program Marriage Is For Grown Folks for ***FREE** CLICK HERE: http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/marriage-is-for-grown-folks-free-download/

You Got To Know When To Hold Em’ Know When To Fold Em’

VIDEO: In life and in relationships there are moments when you find yourself at a crossroad… tired of living like you’ve been living, scared as hell and unsure of what your next move should be. This young lady shares the turmoil she’s been experiencing in her marriage and asks what she should do. Confusion is all around it seems…but I once read somewhere that Confusion is the mental and emotional outgrowth of knowing exactly what needs to be done, and having that knowledge clouded by the belief that you are not good enough, smart enough, or strong enough to do it. There is a fear that if you do what needs to be done, you might not get it right or that somebody will get mad at you, etc. The natural response to this self-defeating mental chatter is for the intellectual mind to shut down resulting in what we call confusion. The truth is that when we find ourselves at these crossroads in our lives we need to trust the small still voice within, do what is necessary, and trust and know that you will make it through.

My Wife Of 15 Years Cheated On Me…And I Went To Jail

What would you do if you found out that your wife of 15 years had been cheating on you?  Check out this video and see how this husband responded.  Do you think their relationship is over and impossible to put back together? Listen in and let us know what you think.

 

Viewer Letter:

Hi. I am a 40 year old male and my life and marriage changed drastically last year. My wife of 15 years had sex with another man. I found out in April that they had been talking on the phone several times a day and that she had sent him pictures (of what I dont know) I went to jail in April when I found out because I slapped her. I was wrong for putting my hands on my wife but I regret that to this day. I found out the truth about them meeting at a hotel from the guy wife she told me she had found a hotel receipt in his pants dated May 1st plus a letter came for my wife that i read and it was test results from her OBGYN so when i saw the test that were given I asked her about it and she told me the truth in August about yes she did sleep with the guy and she is sorry but she says she didnt know if i loved her or wanted her and if she wanted me after i slapped her, remember I found out in April.She says it only happened once and it will never happen again and before I slapped her she would not have sleep with him. My wife and I are still together and we are trying to work things out but its hard. She became pregnant and I feel it was his baby but she tells me it was our baby but she didnt want anymore kids. I dont believe herbecause she told me before that it may be his but she said she was saying that because she was stunned by the etter from the OBGYN and she says she thought his condom may have broke but she knows it didnt and she regrets hurting me and our family. How do I trust her? How do I trust her again? How can I believe she wont cheat on me again? I do love her but right now im still disappointed in her decisions.

My Husband Sent A Pic Of His Penis To Another Woman…..But Says It Was A Joke

Dear Ma’ats,
I have been reading your articles and watching your videos for the past year.  It has really opened my mind and helped me in my personal growth through marriage.  I have a question that I hope you can help me through.  Two years ago I found a phototaken of my husband’s penis that he emailed to another woman.  We were sharing the same cell phone bc at the time he wasn’t working and we couldn’t afford two.  I was looking through his photos in order to re-send a picture of our daughter to my mother.  I confronted him and he assured me that it was sent just as a joke (one I didn’t understand).  I said ok, but kept my eyes on him (something I had never done before).  Around this same time of sharing cell phones, I ran across text messages he had sent other women.  There were only a few, but they were very vulgar in nature. They were women he had been friends with  in the past and had sexual relations with.  Again, he assured me that there was nothing going on and that he even did it to help his friend (who was going through a divorce and death of a parent-What a way to help a friend?).  I tried to get over it for the sake of our marriage but kept thinking there was more.  Two years crept by (he found a job) and I still had this nagging feeling that something else was happening during this time.  I asked and this time he told me that he confided in a friend at the time.  They met up for lunch occassionally, but nothing ever happened.  She was unemployed and they were able to talk about their feelings with each other (his depression over losing his job and us losing our home).  We talked and I reassured him that I was always there to talk to him.  I made attempts to communicate with him more to show him he could always count on me.  But, inside I still felt there was more.  One day while using my laptop, I noticed that he didnt’ log off of Facebook.  I knew it was wrong, but honestly felt that I could get the answers I had been searching for all these years.  I found hundreds of messages by three different women, including the two I mentioned earlier. They talked about the things they would do to each other, what their life would have been like had they gotten together, our marriage,etc.  I confronted him again and found out that he had kissed two women and that one of them regularly visited him at his job.  One of the women’shusband found out and confronted them both.  He said that there was no sexual contact (aside from the kiss), but felt that it could have turned sexual had it continued.  I asked him to stop all communication with these women on Facebook.  He says he doesn’t understand why he has to do that.  He stopped communication with the married woman, but only because she initiated it.   I feel totally betrayed and feel that he cheated.  He says he didnt’ cheat bc he didnt’ sleep with anyone.  I have lost all confidence in myself and feel that I am to blame. He did finally delete the two women as his friends on facebook, but I often wonder what else he may be up to.  We dont’ have money for counseling so I have been searching your website and others for advice.  He says if I want counseling, only I should go because it’s my problem that I don’t trust him.  What should I do?
-married to an emotional cheater

 

Is It Cheating If…..?

By Robert Weiss, LCSW

Once upon a time infidelity was pretty easy to identify. If a person was having sex outside of his or her primary relationship – with a neighbor, a coworker, a casual acquaintance, a prostitute, or perhaps a total stranger – then he or she was cheating. However, in today’s world of social media, chat rooms, digital pornography, interactive webcams, instant messaging, “adult friend finder” apps, sexting, and the like, the definition of cheating is somewhat murky. Is a live, in-the-flesh interaction still required, or does a webcam encounter with someone half a world away count equally? Does masturbating to Internet pornography qualify as infidelity? What about flirting with sexually available people via Facebook or smartphone apps like Blendr and Ashley Madison?

Let’s face it, for many people, especially those of us over thirty, it’s a new and confusing world. That said, I offer here a simple, straightforwarddefinition of sexual infidelity, developed through more than two decades of work with betrayed spouses and their ultimately remorseful mates.

Sexual infidelity is the breaking of trust that occurs when sexual secrets are kept from an intimate partner.

At the end of the day, sexual infidelity is not so much about the physical sex act – either in the real world or online – it’s about the fact that you are keeping it a secret from your partner, the one person in the world with whom you supposedly share everything. If you’re looking at pornography and your spouse knows about it and is OK with it, then it’s not a problem. But if your spouse doesn’t know, you’re cheating. If you’re chatting on Facebook with an old flame from college and your partner knows and doesn’t mind, so be it. But if you’re keeping these interactions a secret from your partner, you might want to re-think what you’re doing. Basically, if you’re hiding any sexual or romantic behavior from your significant other, you’re engaging in infidelity. It’s just that simple.

Is It Really Such a Big Deal?

Sadly, many cheaters don’t realize how profoundly their secretive sexual behavior can affect the long-term emotional life of a trusting spouse or partner. Usually when the cheated-on partner finds out about the infidelity – and they almost always do – it’s not the extramarital sex that causes the most pain; instead, it’s the fact the partner’s trust and belief in the person that he or she is closest to has been shattered. It makes no difference if the cheating occurred in person or online through the use of porn, webcams, social media, or some other digital technology. In other words, a “virtual world” affair is every bit as painful to a betrayed spouse as an in-the-flesh affair. No matter where or how the infidelity took place, learning about it is incredibly traumatic for the cheated on partner. One study shows it can even result in acute stress symptoms characteristic ofpost-traumatic stress disorder.[i] That’s pretty serious stuff.

In some ways the trauma that arises when a cheated-on partner learns about his or her significant other’s infidelity stems from the fact that while the cheater has obviously known about the extracurricular sexual activity all along and may actually be feeling some relief once caught, the betrayed spouse is usually blindsided by the information. And even when the partner was not fully deceived and had some prior knowledge of the infidelity, learning the full extent of the behavior may be incredibly painful and overwhelming. After all, cheating is usually an ongoing pattern rather than an isolated incident, and knowing about a singular affair with a coworker is scant preparation for learning about a spouse’s enduring array of porn use, webcam trysts, prostitutes, and other affairs. Plus, it’s not just anyone who’s causing this pain. The injury – the trauma – experienced by betrayed partners is amplified by the fact that they have been cheated on by the person they most counted on to have their back. “Betrayal” really is the right word for this.

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