Should I Stay With My Lying Husband?

Hello…I wanted to ask you guys a question after watching you on YouTube. I am going to give you a little background into ourmarriage.

I have be married for 5 months and I am beginning to reach my breaking point and I don’t know what to do. After being marriedfor 1 month, I discovered that my new husband was on dating websites and giving women his number. After confronting him, he deleted his accounts and told me that he would not talk to these women again. This of course caused a great deal of insecurity with me and within our marriage. I couldn’t believe that he was doing this after just one month of marriage. Was there something I was or wasn’t doing that made him feel he needed to seek out someone else? Was I not enough? Of course I asked him all of these questions and he said that I was enough and it wasn’t anything I was doing. He said it was just something he did for no real reason. Of course this has caused a great deal of insecurity for me about our marriage.

My husband is currently talking to this woman he knew before we got married. He talks to this woman on the phone multiple times a day almost every day. I have asked him repeatedly if he is talking to this woman and he continues to deny it and flat out lie to me. I know how often he is talking to this woman because I can see the call records. Most of the time, he is the one doing the calling. I am getting more and more frustrated because he continues to lie.  I don’t know what to do. It has gotten to the point where I have looked up divorce laws and procedures in our state. This is my first marriage and his second. His firstmarriage ended because he cheated. He says he’s not cheating on me but I believe that cheating is not only physical or sexual but cheating can also be emotional and I feel that he is betraying me by talking to this woman on a daily basis and then lying to me about it. We started marriage counseling where he said that he would pull back on talking to this woman. But he hasn’t. I am at a lost and I don’t know what to do. Should I just  try to stick out and continue to go to marriage counseling in hopes that it would change? How should I address him about this situation because obviously simply asking him is not working because he continues to lie? Should I just be secure and believe that they are just friends and there is nothing going on?  Any advice you can give would be much appreciated.

Thank you

CLICK HERE for Couples or Individual Counseling with Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at

Can A Woman Tell Through Oral Sex That Her Man Has Been With Another Woman?

Viewer question: My woman swears up and down that she can detect infidelity.  She even went as far as to say that she has ways of knowing whether I’ve been faithful based on certain secret variables when she’s giving me he@d.  It’s killing me that she’s questioning my character and integrity when I haven’t done a damn thing.  So my question to you is this, can a woman tell through the act of giving oral sex that her man has been with another woman?  I’m trying to put an end to this madness.

I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 3

letter Cont’d

My saving grace…

After prayer and much conviction, I sought out one of my other good friends ( a godly woman, that lives her life according to the word). I confessed my sins to her and explained what I was going through and she was very understanding and referred me right to the word of God. She even prayed with me. She never judged me. And she was honest with me. She expressed to me that I was headed in a danger zone. She told me about one of her other friends that was in a similar situation. They agreed to be a part of that lifestyle and their marriage was ruined forever. She gave me scriptures to refer to and meditate on day and night. That same night another girlfriend of mine invited me to her church that next day. I went to the service, and Im grateful I did. The word was just for me. “God will give us a way of escape!” I knew I was headed down a path of destruction.

My husband became angry with me after realizing I had a change of mind. His words to me were “You have been saved a long time and this lifestyle has been ‘a part’ of you for a long time and you mean to tell me you’re just this new found woman over night?!” I was literally fighting the devil himself. Every time my husband would bring the issue up, I went straight for the word. I was in a battle. Finally he stopped bringing it up but our relationship changed forever. His heart is hardened toward me. Our relationship was already rocky prior to these last issues. So this was basically the icing on the cake. When ever there was a disagreement about something, he would always end with “well maybe I should just leave, besides it doesnt help that we have our issues that wont go away.” This comment lets me know that he has not forgot and has not forgiven me. And it’s obvious he does not trust me. I’m still hurt and confused because I having been thinking “what the devil meant for harm, God will turn around for me good.” Im not seeing any good come out of this. We are barely existing in this relationship.

To make matters worse the enemy will bring “gay topics or comments” up in my household. If its through TV like the news, questions the kids may have, a sitcom, a movie….HE WILL NOT LET MY HUSBAND FORGET. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Im afraid of talking to other women cause I am worried about what he may think, I dont have any friends come over or do things with them (he thinks all are my friends are suspect). My best friend and I no longer talk. I look at romance movies or tv shows and I cry. When I see couples that are in love and how they handle each other or when I see other woman hanging with friends, having a good time, and the husbands are in another room hanging out and everybody is having a great time, I cant help but to think…”my life should be like that” I feel like the devil has stolen so much from me. Where is the good in all of this? I don’t see it. We have had TONS of issues in our 15 years of marriage. The Good times can be counted on one hand. I am weak, I am a emotional reck, I am insecure, I am vulnerable, I feel unloved, unappreciated…etc.

I have made several mistakes in my life. However I have come to God, many, many times, seeking His forgivness. Admitting my faults and my issues, my idols, my strongholds…EVERYTHING. I take it to the throne of grace before HIm. Yet no real deliverance.  Yet no change in my husband. Ive been trying to say that gving up is not an option but honestly sometimes giving up looks better then what I am going through now. God couldnt possibly want this for me life. I AM NOT LIVING.

Before you ask, my husband and I do belong to a word teaching church. It’s a great church, however it’s a mega church. At times I don’t feel connected. We have belonged to this church over 10 years and my husband doesn’t want to leave. I on the other hand is reaching for another level in Christ and my church is not providing that at the time. I don’t want to be at separate churches so I watch other churches online, where the spirit of the Lord is high. I receive fulfillment from TV and attend our church with him on Sunday. We have done christian therapy and counseling twice before. Even though a lot has happened since we have gone to counseling, I don’t think he will be willing to go again. His heart has hardened toward me. At this time I don’t believe he thinks that lifestyle is wrong, especially if he reaps the benefits. It’s a double standard for sure. Just the other day the news was talking about gay marriage and my daughter asked him “dad, isn’t being gay a sin?” He told her, “well it depends on how you look at it.” With a very confused look on my face, I’m thinking “really?” I didn’t comment, only because I just didn’t want to go back down that road with him. Satan makes sure that topic is never far!

I really need help. My best friend do not talk anymore. I don’t go out any where or hang with friends. I do nothing. This isn’t living. Do I reconcile with my best friend or do I let that friendship die? How do I handle all other relationships? Do I just not have any friends because of how he feels or the thoughts he has?

Looking for freedom!

CLICK HERE to read Part 1

CLICK HERE to read Part 2

I’ve Been Married For 4 Years and For 4 Years I’ve Been Cheated On


VIDEO:  My husband has been cheating 4 years out of the 4 years we’ve been married. I’ve been supportive to this man through all the ups and downs. He came into to the marriage with nothing and I help build him up to be stable. I never it up. However, this man just don’t seem to get it. He tells me that he loves me and wants his marriage, but I just can’t deal with this anymore. We’ve had marriage counseling, I’ve talked to him, I’ve done everything possible but I’m tired now. When it comes to sex, it’s almost none existent in our marriage. We are always arguing about this subject. He claims that I’m always clawing at him, but I mean if I haven’t had sex in 21 days or longer, I think coming on to him isn’t clawing. I’m just trying to fulfill my sexual lack. Most of the time he texts me all day long about how he’s gonna make sweet love to me when we get home, but when we get home, he never does any of the stuff he says (meaning he general makes up an excuse about being tried or he stays up late playing the video game until I fall asleep). Recently, I found out he was cheating on me for 8 months with a woman at his job. When I asked him why he said because he couldn’t talk to me and she was easier to talk with. What the …. When I try to talk to this man, he only wants to talk about his job. If I try to talk about other subjects he’s uninterested. The female at his job called me by getting my number from his emergency contact (which is how she found out he was married). This female told me about how they talk about everything under the sun (yes, they do. He talk so much he told her about our life minus me being in it and our daugther.)  This female claimed to be pregnant from him. When I addressed him about the infidelity he lied and told me he wasn’t. He even said “prove it” I’m not cheating.  So, I waited until he got home from work and then told him I wanted him to meet someone, I called the girl from his phone. He was so out done, he just left the house.  He then came back 2 days later and asked me to forgive him he wouldn’t cheat again, he’s learned his lesson.  Me being the idiot, forgave him. Now, I’ve having the same feelings that he is cheating again. I have made it clear that if he is cheating again, he has to move it to the less because I am not going through the mess.  I told him that marriage is for grown folk, not for children pretending to be grown.  He claims I’m just insecure, but I say I’m being wise. He goes out on his motorcycle (leaving at 9pm coming home at 1 am talking about he lost track of time).  I packed his clothes and told him, I lost my husband and asked him to leave my home.  Now, he’s acting like I’m dead wrong and he’s really not cheating.  My question is am I wrong for feeling like he’s up to his same old crap or should I have a little more faith and believe he’s truly being honest.  I have access to his voicemail, email, ect… however, that didn’t stop him from cheating in the past. So please give me some advise on this issue. I’m just feeling like I’ve done all that I can do and this is too much for any woman to handle.  The sex is still on the blink and have been as I previously stated, but he says he’s not cheating.  I keep myself up, I don’t argue with him, I keep the house clean, I have a successful career, I support him 100%, I cook dinner every night and take care of our daughter.  I do everything I am to do as a wife and as a mother.  He tells me, I’m sex to him and he loves my body and he’s always telling me, I’m the most beautiful attractive woman he has ever met.  But then he wraps up with “I’m just too good”.  What does that mean… I’m just too good?? I’m lost on this. I’ve laid down some rules of marriage, told him he’s going to be accountable for anything he does, I’ve also made it very clear that if I find that he’s cheating again we will get a divorce. He claims he understand, but then he goes on the night rides on his motorcycle, he will text me instead of calling me and he wants me to be understanding and trusting. I just want to make sure I’m not crazy, because something is wrong somewhere. Help with some advice please.

BLAM FAM….What do you think she should do?

I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 2

Part 2 of letter:

My best friend, who is bisexual, knew of my past. However I didn’t open up to her until after she told me she was bisexual and was always attracted to me. We had been friends a long time before I knew this about her. I never had a clue.
Once she disclosed this info to me, I kept it to myself. I never told my husband, because of how he was. He seemed jealous of my relationships, he seemed to have an issue with everything and everyone and to top it off he was homophobic! SO I THOUGHT. My husband should be my best friend. I should be comfortable telling him everything, without judgement.

It made it very uncomfortable for me at first, knowing my best friend had been attracted to me, many years ago. But we moved on and never let that hinder our friendship. I will say there were times I thought about my past and my curiosity.  So, years later, one day she and I went out. We had drinks and a night of fun. However, on the way home, we ended up kissing, AWKWARD! To this day I’m not really sure what brought this on, but we kissed. That is all it was. A kiss. I will say that I was very vulnerable, and she knew it. But nothing became of that and we moved on. When she told me the truth about herself and how she once felt about me, she also told me about a friend of her’s who knew all about me and how my best friend use to feel about me. Well she used that information to her advantage. One day we all went out. She was a very nice girl and we all had a good time. This girl however had an ulterior motive. She invited my best friend and I back to her house. She gave us drinks and put on porn movies. Of course I was horny and very aroused watching it. She walked to the back of her apartment and about 10 minutes later she asked us to come back. She was basically setting us up for a threesome. Lights were out and soft music was playing. Now for someone as curious as me, you would think I would be excited, or thinking “I can finally get my chance to find out” But that couldn’t be further from the truth! I was extremely uncomfortable and wanted to run. My best friend was uncomfortable too. So basically all that happened was some touching. NO oral sex or anything like that. Again, my best friend and I never really discussed that day but maybe just about how embarrassed we both were. My friend always had my best interest at heart and never wanted to see me get hurt.

Fast Forward….

My husband, about a year and 4 months ago, decided to have a conversation about polygamy with my son. My son, with his curious mind, after watching a clip from the news said he wouldn’t mind having two or more women. Of course my husband whispered to me, “its a double standard cause what man wouldn’t want two women” and then he kinda smiled at me. I’m thinking “he can’t be serious, not my husband” SO this started a night of a long “pillow talk” discussion. Questions were asked of me like “have I ever, would I ever, are any of my friends gay or bisexual or do I know anyone who is…blah blah blah. Of course at the time, I’m thinking he seems so sincere. Which is rare during any of our conversations. I was very timid and was thinking he had an ulterior motive to get me to confess something. I took a gamble and I confessed that my best friend had been with a woman before (her being bisexual was not mentioned at the time). Of course he then asked me would I ever, have I ever kissed her or consider a threesome. Again I was even shocked at the question but of course I shrugged it off as no big deal and said eeeww, heck no! Thats my best friend. I was not completely comfortable giving that info. This conversation started a bunch of other conversations and sparked his “obvious curiosity”. He wasn’t getting the answers he wanted to hear from me so he called my best friend and asked her himself  “have you been with my wife”. Instead of simply saying NO, she says “I am not going to talk about anyone else’s business. If you want to know about your wife, ask your wife” NOW, my husband is a police officer and he interrogates people for a living. THAT basically answered his question. He told her he had to call her right back because someone had came into his office. She then calls me to say what was being said and of course I’m like, why didn’t you just say no?!! She said “what is the big deal? It happened a long time ago, you know he likes it anyway and he is curious. Besides he is going to be calling me back, what do you want me to say?’ I said well its too late now, you have already answered his question! Just admit to it. Which is exactly what she did.

This started a month of hell for me! My husband, comes home after that conversation with her, with flowers for me!! He has NEVER bought me flowers before! So I was completely shocked and confused. I was thinking “Lord you cant be serious? You cant possibly be using this ordeal to bring us closer!!” I was so hurt. I didn’t know what to think. It took me admitting to being with a woman for him to show any type of admiration toward me? How could that be? He quickly became very interested in what I had to say. He gave me undivided attention, which he never does! He seemed totally sincere and understanding. Then he shocked me even more by saying he wanted to see me and my best friend together, and he wanted a threesome! “WHAT?” “LORD REALLY?? THis isn’t your will for my life is it?” But I was scared to say no. He seemed so “into” me. We started having sex almost everyday, he was being a little but more freaky (excuse my expression). He seemed to be very aroused and horny. BUT IT WASN”T ME AT ALL, IT WAS HIS THOUGHTS that brought all this on. He wasn’t turned on by me, he was turned on by the thought of his fantasy finally being played out.

I KNOW THIS IS LONG AND I AM SORRY! I need healing, my marriage needs healing and Im desperate! I don’t think he will do counseling AGAIN! I need direction from The Lord!

Moving on…So once he started acting more ‘into’ me, and after the discussions of having a threesome, I agreed to do it. I was liking the attention he was giving me. Even though I had a hard time understanding how this situation was going to turn my marriage around, I was going to do it anyway. (Deception Big Time!) I was being deceived and the enemy was using my husband to do it. He started asking me questions about my past, which made me very uncomfortable because I was still unsure of his motives. I went ahead and told him what happened as a young girl. My story didn’t seem to bother him much because he figured I wasn’t being all the way truthful. In his mind, I has been with several women, sexually, for the majority of my life. He thought that it was my lifestyle. And nothing I could say or do would change is mind. He also kinda figured out that I was basically having a emotional connection to another female. ( another story I didnt mention, we can touch on that later) He then got angry when “my truth” didnt line up with the ‘truth’ in his head. Things were not as they appeared to be. He was thinking all kind of things about me that were not true at all. But in his mind, because they were his thoughts, it must have been true.

He started contacting my best friend again, asking her different questions about me, us, and things in general. My husband, being the type of person he was, would interpret things totally different from how they actually were and he would come home to me and think I would be lying. So basically there was a lot of back and forth between him and my best friend, between him and I and between her and me. Stories would get really mixed up. He lashed out and her, cursed her out and told her she was no longer welcome in our home. He was basically upset things were not going his way.


Tyler Perry’s “Temptation” In Review – You Don’t Have To Be Unhappy To Cheat

Warning!!!! You can be in a relatively healthy and happy marriage and still experience infidelity.  Yup…it’s true.  Not only do bad things happen to good people…but bad circumstances occasionally fall upon “sure” relationships. Tyler Perry’s movie Temptation showed aspects of how infidelity may develop and wreak havoc on a seemingly good marriage.  Here are a few words from the wise..internalize and apply them and you’ll be on the right track to strengthening, securing, and protecting your marriage from the internal and external chaos that will inevitably come.

1. Communicate your unmet needs.

2. Meet or assist your spouse with meeting their unmet needs.

3.  Don’t take your spouse for granted.

3. Know that anybody is capable of anything. (good or bad)

4.  Pay attention to the details.  Your spouse wants to know that you know them.

Stop Playing. Start Pushing.


10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Building trust again after a crack in the relationship is a process. It’s not easy. But it can be done. Why so many of us think that it will happen naturally is beyond me. Word to the wise–I’t won’t. You have to focus on it and work on it—diligently. Here are 10 crucial steps you can begin taking today to get the trust back.

1. Be predictable.

When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What’s up? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn’t mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!


2. Inform your significant other when you become “unpredictable.”

No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven’s sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, “I really don’t know what is going on in me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”


3. Make sure your words match the message.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here’s a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, “How do I look?” (And she’s wearing a dress you don’t particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, “You look great.” You don’t really mean it and a part of her knows you really don’t mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal – we all have done something similar – but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here’s how to match the words with the nonverbal: “I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She’s not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She’s not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!


4. Believe the other person is competent.

I hear this phrase very often: “But, I don’t want to hurt him.” A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn’t trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!”


5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets.

If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.


6. Let YOUR needs be known – loudly.

Be a little – no, be a lot – self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she begins an all out effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodies.” Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive – if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine – just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so “nice and caring?” Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I need…x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.” Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?


7. State who YOU are – loudly.

It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you’re like most of us, you haven’t given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don’t you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don’t you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You’re concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn’t destroy trust. But it doesn’t create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then…begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.


8. Learn to say NO!

Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand they stop. If they don’t stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?


9. Charge Neutral.

When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don’t speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won’t fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don’t people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your “quiet center,” remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.


10. Dig into the dirt.

Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.


Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at

How Some Men Are Using Oral Sex To Detect Infidelity

By Scott A McGreal MSc.

Please note that this article contains sexually explicit discussion.

One of the more intriguing ideas to emerge out of evolutionary psychology is that a man’s interest in performing oral sex on a woman serves the purpose of testing whether a woman has recently been unfaithful. A recently published study aimed to test this theory and found that men who are in long term relationships with more attractive women are more interested in performing cunnilingus on their partners. The authors argued that more attractive women are more likely to be targeted by other men who might try to lure them away from the relationship. They concluded that their results confirm their hypothesis that oral sex functions to detect infidelity. Although interesting, their results are inconclusive because they did not appear to consider a more obvious explanation for their findings.

According to many evolutionary psychologists, men have been concerned with detecting and counteracting infidelity by their partners through human history. Many scholars have focused on the occurrence of sperm competitionwhich occurs when the sperm from two or more males occupy a woman’s reproductive tract at the same time, and hence compete to fertilise her ovum. Scholars have claimed that men have evolved certain mechanisms to deal with the threat of sperm competition (Pham & Shackelford, 2013). For example, some research has found that men ejaculate a greater volume of sperm when they have been separated from their partner for a good period of time compared to when they have been in each other’s company for the same amount of time. This is presumed to occur because there is a greater risk that the woman may have been unfaithful in her partner’s absence.

Pham and Schackelford (2013) argued that men with more attractive partners are at a greater recurrent risk of sperm competition because other men are more likely to woo them into having affairs. Therefore, men with more attractive partners have more reason to be concerned about and more likely to engage in behaviour aimed to detect infidelity. The idea that cunnilingus, oral sex performed on a woman, could function to detect infidelity was proposed in a 2006 book, but this study is the first to test this empirically. The idea is that oral sex may allow a man to detect the presence of another man’s semen through smell or taste. Pham and Schackelford’s study did not test whether men can actually detect semen in this manner (admittedly a difficult thing for a research study to test). What they did test were the hypotheses that men with more attractive partners (presumed to present a greater “recurrent risk of sperm competition”) would be more interested in performing oral sex, and that they would perform it for a longer duration “to better detect rival semen.” Contrary to what has been claimed elsewhere, the authors did not claim that men consciously perform oral sex because they think their partner has been unfaithful. It is possible for a behaviour to serve an evolutionary function without a person knowing what that function is. They simply need to want to do it, even if they do not know why.

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After An Affair – How Do I Deal With The Obsessive Images in My Mind?


Getting over obsessive and haunting images of your husband cheating is a big part of saving a marriage after infidelity. These images keep coming back like a horror movie in your head, causing loss of sleep, decreased appetite and even difficulty to focus and perform simple daily tasks. If this is how you feel, you are not alone.

Here are 3 steps for overcoming these awful images so you can get your life back and start the healing process after an affair.

What Are The Most Common Images After Husband Affair?

If you just recently found out about your husband cheating – You must feel an unimaginable amount of pain. Even if you didn’t get all the ugly and specific details – you can fill in the blanks alone. The most common images are:

Your husband and the other woman hugging, kissing, having passionate sex or any other romantic and intimate scenario.

The other woman being gorgeous, funnier, smarter and more charming than you, your husband looking at her in a way he has never looked at you or treating her he never bothered treating you. Sound familiar?

These images get stuck in your mind, leaving you powerless and without strength for healing and saving a marriage that went through infidelity.

It’s time to put a stop to this and get rid of these images – today!

3 Steps for Overcoming obsessive images fast

Step #1 – Give the Images Their Special Time

Set the images on a clock. Decide. Set a time during the day when you have a few minutes to sit down and allow these images to fill your mind. This is how you start to take control of your mind again. When an image comes to you, quickly remind yourself that this is not the time for it yet, it should have to wait for the scheduled time.

It’s the first step and it’s a subtle one – You start to control what comes to your mind – and when. It will give you unbelievable strength.

Step #2 – Invite Them In

At the special time you set for them – Let the images in. Remember, you are only temporarily allowing them in and it will only be a few minutes of suffering – instead of all day long.

Step # 3 – “Play” With the Images

In order to prove to yourself that these images have nothing to do with the reality – You can “play” with them. While you are in that “special time” – Try and rewind them. Treat them like a movie you are watching on your DVD and just rewind it all the way. This will remind you only your imagination is causing these images. Not reality.

There are very specific exercises that teach you how to control negative thoughts and painful images. If you’ve been hurt by a spouse who has cheated on you, you can take control of your mind and your healing. Try this exercise and see for yourself.

I Cheated. She Cheated. We’re Stuck….Now What?

Viewer Question: I appreciate and respect the work that you do. It gives me hope and motivation. My wife and I have been together for 16 years of which 12 we have been married. I cheated on her, was caught and confessed to other acts. She then alerted me to what she did before we were married but together and after we were married. We went to counseling and I realized my part and failure in the marriage. I do not believe I fully responded to it though. I could have communicated more and been more affectionate. My wife started disappearing earlier this year and I thought something was up. One night I had enough and found her at another guys house using our cell phone tracking device. When we got home she said she was done and tired of me, admitting to cheating and said there was another who she had unprotected sex with earlier this year. Knowing my downfalls in the relationship, I turned to GOD and decided to forgive and work it out as our children were being affected by mommy not being home as much as she normally would. I realize it took a long time to get in this ugly mess but I am committed to staying with my wife and not give up and get over BUT get up and get through this TOGETHER. I do love my wife and family enough to endure this heartache and pain. My wife, is kind of a brick wall right now. I dont know how to get through to her. She says she still loves me. Please advise