7 Commandments Of A Successful Marriage

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By Lanesha Townsend

Every married person knows not to cheat, to be honest and to be there for their partner through the best of times and the worst. But most the happiest couples know that there are also some unspoken rules that are just as vital for growing stronger as a couple.

Such as…

1. Don’t criticize your partner’s parents or friends. You know how it is-your family can tick you off but no one else had dare speak ill of them. That’s why you should tread carefully with your in-laws and your husband’s dearest friends. “Even when they’re venting to you, your contributions can put your spouse on the defensive,” explains LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, a Florida-based psychologist and licensed clinical social worker.

2. Tell your spouse about any ex encounters. Whether you get a Facebook friend request or run into an old flame at your kid’s soccer game, keeping the news to yourself could backfire, despite having zero feelings for the ex. “If there’s nothing to hide, why hide it?” says Deb Castaldo, PhD, a couples and family therapist and professor at Rutgers University School of Social Work in New Brunswick, NJ.

3. Keep unsolicited advice to yourself. Offer your support, lend your ear, but avoid speaking in an “I know what’s best” tone. “We give advice because we’re trying to be helpful, but it’s seen as criticism when we offer too many corrections,” says Harriet Lerner, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up. Give your spouse space to make decisions and gain confidence through trial and error-and ask that they do the same for you, says Dr. Lerner. “What matters in a relationship is not that things get done ‘right,’ but that two people are dedicated to contributing to each other’s happiness.”

4. Don’t take charge all the time. ”The spouse who does the rescuing can become tired of that role,” says Dr. Wish–and resentful.” Get in the habit of asking your partner, “What do you think works best here?” or telling them, “I could use a hand cleaning out the pantry.” These requests will foster the idea that you’re teammates.

5.  Choose your battles, but don’t stifle your feelings. “There’s going to be toothpaste globs here and Post-it notes there; that’s human nature,” says Dr. Wish. “You have to be able to say, ‘this isn’t important.’” Or if it is, speak up. “Tell your partner why it bothers you and that you’d like to work on a solution,” suggests Dr. Wish. You’d be surprised what you could learn about each other. For instance, your spouse may not leave dirty dishes in the sink anymore if you explain that your childhood home was piled high with plates and you were stuck washing them.  A simple request like: “Honey, it’d be great if you could pick up the dry cleaning while you’re out” beats getting mad that they didn’t offer to help with errands.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Where The Hell Is My Wife?

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So you’re thinking about going into business with your spouse….do you really know what you’re in for?  Really, do you?  Here’s a glimpse into some of the drama and the process that we go through prior to simply sitting down and recording a 5 minute video.  Sometimes you feel like you’re pulling teeth. Sometimes you feel like you’re dragging dead weight.  Sometimes you feel like FIRING your spouse.  Sometimes..in the midst of all that mess, if you’re intentional, you feel love.  Because of that….it’s worth it.

Goals Without Plans Are Just Dreams…Check Out These Goal Setting Questions For 2013

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By Tsh

It’s already mid-January, so many of you probably have already made some goals.

 

But I still want to share my list of questions that I use when making annual goals. These are questions you can use privately, as you journal, or with your spouse over a cup of tea (and perhaps a white board).

 

You don’t need to go through all of them, of course. I don’t. Last week, my husband and I picked about five, and we just chatted. It was a great, mid-afternoon date.

 

I need to continually remind myself that goals are all about making myself more available, not making myself perfect. Don’t throw in the towel when you screw up once…. because you will screw up. Dust yourself off, and keep on going.

 

I’m excited about this year. Are you?

 

I. Personal Growth

1. What healthy character traits would you like to see developed in your life this year? What are some specific steps you can take to develop these?

 

2. What is your plan for maintaining accountability for progressing in personal growth?

 

3. What are some of your learning goals for this year?

 

4. What books would you like to read this year?

 

5. Do you enjoy your job or jobs (include being a stay-at-home parent, if this pertains to you)? If so, what are your favorite things about your work? If not, what are some ways you can change this?

II. Physical Health

1. What is one area of progress you’d like to see this year for maintaining or improving your physical health?

 

2. What are some tangible, daily choices you can add to your life that will improve your health?

 

3. In what way would you like to be physically healthier by December of this year?

 

4. What is your plan this month for starting this progress towards a healthier you?

III. Marriage & Family Life

If you’re married, proceed to question 1. If you’re single with children, you can skip to question 5.

 

1. What are some goals you have as a couple to strengthen your marriage?

 

2. In what ways can you grow in intimacy with your spouse this year?

 

3. What are your plans for having regular date nights? How will you handle childcare?

 

4. What plans will you make to pray and/or have “family meetings” together? What books would you like to read together this year?

 

5. What will deliberate, regular family time look like this year?

 

6. Do you have specific planned vacation time in mind for this year? What needs to happen to make this vacation a reality?

 

7. How is your current physical living space working for your family? Do you need to make changes to this? If so, what are they?

 

IV. Goals for Your Children

1. What are ways you’d like each of your children to grow in the following areas?

 

a. Physically:

 

b. Emotionally:

 

c. Relationally:

 

d. Spiritually:

 

e. Educationally:

 

f. Other:

 

2. How will your children be educated this year? What are some resources you’d like to explore to help your children develop intellectually and academically?

 

3. What are your children’s strengths? How will you help them use these well?

 

4. What are your children’s weaknesses? How will you help them overcome these?

 

V. Money Matters

1. What is one specific area of progress you’d like to see this year in your financial health?

 

2. How is your current income? In what ways can you make this increase?

 

3. How much debt do you have? In what ways can you eliminate a sizeable portion of it (or all of it) this year?

 

4. How is your savings account? In what ways can you save more money this year?

 

5. What are some of your long-term financial goals? In what ways can you make progress on them this year?

 

6. Are you giving regularly? If not, in what way can you give financially this year?

 

7. What is your plan this month for starting progress towards better financial health?

 

VI. Relationships Outside the Home

1. In what specific way would you like to grow in relating to your friends this year?

 

2. What are some ways you can be of service to your immediate community?

 

3. Who are some specific people in your life that can use some encouragement? What will you do to encourage them this year?

 

4. Who are some people in your life that you admire? What are some practical ways you can positively use their influence in your life?

 

5. Are there any damaging relationships in your life? What will you do this year to make these relationships better?

BLAM Fam, Remember you get more of what you focus on. Let’s be more intentional in 2013!!!

 

Tsh is the founder of Simple Living Media. She’s a mama to three little ones, likes her coffee black, and thinks a library card, a Netflix subscription, and a passport are some of the greatest parenting tools in the universe.

How Much Are You Worth On The Relationship Market?

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By Kenny Pugh

There is no shortage of media dedicated to addressing the ‘epidemic’ of singleness in our society.

We’re entertained by men and women who discuss their plights as to why each of them, as a quality candidate, is still single. There are never enough quality men to choose from, women say. There are always too many “high potential” women to sort through, men complain.

And so on and so on.

Unfortunately, too many of us have a higher self-appraisal of ourselves than what others are willing to view as true relationship value. It’s sort of like the homeowner who thinks their home is worth $400,000, when the true market value based on recent sales is really $300,000. Sometimes, you need to be your harshest critic.

On the relationship market, think of yourself as an asset that requires investment.

Physical – What is your current physical status? Do you eat healthy? Physical attraction isn’t necessarily based on looks, but your ability to present yourself in a manner that accents you as an individual (i.e., via your attire, grooming, nails, etc.).

Professional – Are you where you desire to be professionally? If not, are you taking steps to achieve your goals? Your professional life is something you should pursue and try to stabilize during your single season.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at Talk About “Woman Breadwinners” On The Jennifer Keitt Show Tonight At 7pm EST

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What’s up BLAM Fam,

Check us out Tonight at 7pm EST on The Jennifer Keitt Show KISS 104, Atlanta

Topic: WHEN SHE MAKES MORE!

Alpha WOMEN and Beta MEN?!  How does a woman being primary breadwinner or sole breadwinner affect her relationship with her man??

CLICK HERE to listen live.

My Woman’s Self Esteem Is Destroying Us!

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Viewer Question: I have a serious issue that I need help on immediately. Me and my current woman have been together for 10 months. Things have been great but things have also been confusing, struggling at times, and challenging.

One of the most challenging things that keep lingering is my woman has a confidence issue. Her self confidence, self love, and self appreciation is low. She is dislikes herself because of her weight, she dislikes herself because brings the energy from when she gets off work home with her, and she still holds on to what she has been through in the past. All these things, including how her weight issues has affected her future decisions on having children and more as drove me to the cliff. I want to be there for her and love her as I do now and even more on a level where is not used to and keep growing with her through it all. But, what can I do to stay strong or should I give up?

I have treated her great since day one when we went on our first date, since I have expressed and told her I love her, I have loved her on a level she said she has never felt or consistently seen, I am truly investing myself into her, but I am not getting enough back in return from her. What can this gentleman do?

BLAM Fam….What are your thoughts?

Have A Little Fun And Dream With Your Partner

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By  Richard Drobnick – Mars & Venus Counseling Center

We all dream at night.  Sometimes we remember our dreams and often we forget, but all dreams can teach us something about ourselves.  Fortunately, we need not have a M.D. or special psychic gifts to learn from our dreams.  Want to have some fun with your spouse or significant other?  Want to talk about something other than kids, schedules, finances, or in-laws?
Try this …

If you remember some dreams, great.  If not, when falling asleep, just tell yourself you will have a dream and will remember all its details.  Keep a notebook at your bedside.  The next time you awaken with a memory of a dream, immediately write it down in detail from beginning to end.  Don’t wait until later; you’ll probably forget the dream entirely or at least some important details.

DREAM EXERCISE

Pick a time when you and your partner can spend a little quality time together.  The person who has a dream to share will be the Dreamer, and the other will be the Partner.

Dreamer:  Tell your dream to your Partner from beginning to end.  It’s o.k. if the dream does not seem complete; even small parts of your dream can be interesting.  To help enrich your storytelling, try including some of the following:

a. What is the main theme or storyline?  If you could give your dream a title, what would it be?

b. What were the major feelings?  Anger?  Sadness?  Fear?  Shame?  Love?  Happiness?

c. Describe as many details as possible, such as the people, places, things, and actions.  Be specific.

 CLICK HERE to read more.

 

6 Ways You Can Be Intentional About Romancing Your Woman

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By Team BLAM

Here are some romance items you should have available at all times to help you to be spontaneous and romantic. Do you want to romance her, spark her libido and ignite her passion? Then here are some romantic ideas and some romance supplies you should have:

Romantic Candles. Get the kind of candles that come in their own glass jar with a lid. They are safer than the tall candles, won’t spill wax all over the place and when you put the lid on they go out without filling the room with smoke. Choose scented candles with mild scents like vanilla or melon – or your wife’s favorite scent. Here’s a romantic idea: light them all around the living room – at night, get a relaxing drink and just sit on the couch and talk with her – run your fingers through her hair as you talk – and don’t “expect” any action – if you remove the pressure, she will relax and come after you!

Romantic “I love you” Cards. Get about 15 different “thinking of you” and “I love you” greeting cards. Then – over the course of a few months, whenever you have the idea of leaving one in her purse or car or mailing one to her work, you can do it before you forget. Just write a short personal note in each when you send it. Here’s a romantic idea: send her a card a day for a week and then personally bring flowers to her at work at the end of the week as a romantic surprise. She’ll love it!

Romantic Bubble Bath. Get scented bubble bath for your wife – but don’t give it to her – yet. The cucumber and melon scents are really relaxing. Romantic idea: make her a bath, use the romantic bubble bath and put some romantic candles (above) around the tub. Then just leave and let her enjoy some peace (unless she asks you to join her). She’ll melt with relaxation.

Romance Incense. Incense can really make your home smell nice and create a relaxing atmosphere. Some incense in really powerful – I personally don’t like those. I get the Angelic Series from Shoyeido Corporation – they are really mild and romantic scents. My wife loves them – and the gift box set from the last series has lasted us over 3 years now.

A Blanket can be Romantic. Keep a blanket in your trunk. That way, you can do spontaneous romantic excursions like stopping, laying on the blanket and looking at the stars on a clear night or just enjoy relaxing under a tree on a warm day.

Your Romantic Cell Phone. Yes – your cell phone can be romantic – just call her out of the blue just to say hi and “I love you.” Romance idea: send her loving text messages at random times in the week.

Try to do something small two or three times a week for her – such as a card or note or a call or e-mail. Try to do something medium for her at least once a week – such as bring home flowers or make a nice dinner. And try to do something big for her at least once a month – such as a full evening without kids that includes a nice dinner, a bath and a massage – all truly from your heart with no obligations attached. Mix it up – make nothing routine.

Every once in a while, go a week or two without doing anything romantic….Then start romancing her again. She’ll appreciate it more that way – it won’t be the same ol’ thing.

5 “Must Haves” For A Healthy Relationship

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By Ayize Ma’at

Yesterday we received a phone call from a radio station inquiring about our tag line “Stop Playing Start Pushing”.  The sista I spoke with said she was intrigued by it and interested in hearing how it pertains to relationships.  I shared with her that people say they want true love, people say they want a solid relationship, people say they want integrity, intimacy, and commitment, BUT people are playing around, shucking and jiving when it comes to doing the hardwork that’s required to have the relationship they want.  Yes relationships are fun, yes relationships are fulfilling, yes relationships can be bliss…BUT it takes effort.  It’s like everyone wants the diamond (solid relationship) but everybody ain’t willing to dig and get cut.  Are you??  Stop Playin & Start Pushin yall!!!

Check out this video where I make some things plain.

Time Alone Is The Secret To A Successful Marriage

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Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz

Stop the presses! We have discovered the most important ingredient of a successful marriage! And you know what it is? The answer is . . . drum roll, please . . . allowing time for those who inhabit the relationship to be alone!

Successfully married couples around the world over our past 30+ years of interviews have told us this very simple truth during our interviews with them – the secret to their successful marriage is having time to be all to themselves – to their own thoughts, their own meditations, their own self, and their own physical space.

Isn’t this an interesting notion? In the best marital relationships between a man and a woman, having time alone tops the chart of what makes their marriage work. You can take this advice to the bank!

We have heard this expression, or some variation of it, over and over during our travels and interviews on the world’s seven continents. The amazing consistency of the stories we have heard about aloneness have surprised us on the one hand, but have assured us on the other. Here’s why.

This is what we have learned to be true – the most important ingredient of a successful marriage is to be content with yourself. Only those who are capable and willing to spend time alone can be described as content with themselves.

This contentment with self is so very important to a successful marriage. What we have learned from these successfully married couples is this – if you can’t live in your own skin, it is difficult to share yourself with someone else. Being content with oneself is the pre-requisite to engaging in a healthy, happy, and successful relationship with another human being.

There are many lessons to be learned from this notion of aloneness in a successful marriage, but the most essential are:

  1. The most important pre-requisite to a successful relationship with another person is this – being content with yourself. Learn to live within your own skin. Liking you comes first. Liking yourself allows for the development of positive relationships with others. Work on this notion as if your marriage depended on it!
  2. Respecting your own need for privacy and aloneness is an important first step in building a loving relationship with your spouse. There is a fundamental predisposition of every human being to have time alone.  Recognizing and understanding that need in yourself and your spouse is a huge step towards building a love that lasts.

CLICK HERE to read more.