His Ex Girlfriend’s Car Has Become “Our” Car

/in /by

Viewer Letter: My relationship has been on the rocks for about a year. We decided in November that we want to get married. He is a wonderful man, with insecurities about “being/doing enough”. Meaning, he says I make him feel like he isn’t enough. I am a guarded woman, however, he broke down certain barriers and as a result I reacted in fear. He has a female friend who’s car he had been driving and I didn’t like it. She is a woman that wants to be with him, but he has no interest in her. They have been sexual, but it was prior to us becoming an “official” couple. He told me a few months back, that if I wanted her gone, all I had to do was say so. I didn’t feel I should have to say “get rid of her.” I felt as though, he should have ended the friendship, due to my discomfort. He did not share this point of view. So, in turn, she was a thorn in my side for over a year.
I have since gotten over it and pay her no attention. We no longer have a vehicle of our own, so her car has become the essential mode of transportation.
Problem is, eventhough I have moved away from being concerned with her, he is now upset because it took so long and he has already shifted in his feelings. He doesn’t believe I am passed it and I only know time and patience to be the revealing of where I now stand on the issue.

He is unhappy and we are in turmoil. Our love use to be the talk of our friendships and seen thru Stevie Wonder’s eys, but now…we are distant. I am hurt because he is hurting and I feel like a villain, with no hope of reclaiming my thrown.
I know that all I can do is work at re-assuring him, that he has no need to be insecure…he feels like he is alone and has no one on his side…
I believe his feelings of inadequacy, stem from his rigid relationship with his mother. I believe that if he is able to heal from that hurt, those inadequate feelings will start to fade.
No one loves him or has loved him, as much as or like I do…these are his words, and that is why, I believe…I was able to hurt him so bad. I don’t like being villainized, but I accept my role in the turmoil of our relationship.

I guess the advice I am seeking, is How do I be patient? He is a “feeling” man and this is uncharted territory for me. My father, nor any of the male roles in my life, have ever been this visibly emotional. All of them hid behind there emotions. He put his heart in my hands, and to him…I’ve just shoved it aside.

I love him, deeper than I have ever loved…and he the same…but he is so fragile and I don’t want to break him.

In the beginning, I did let go of alot of my independence…but that was just to show him, that I trust his leadership…I put too much on him…I realized that and have been working on rectifying the heaviness of the load…I just didn’t want him to feel like I was combating his ability to lead me, as a mate.

We use to be so connected….

Please Help

Emotional Abandonment Looks Like……

/in /by

By Darlene Lancer

Many people don’t realize that they’re feeling emotionally abandoned or that they did as a child. They may be unhappy, but can’t put their finger on what it is. People tend to think of abandonment as something physical, like neglect. They also may not realize that loss of physical closeness due to death, divorce, and illness often is felt as an emotional abandonment.

However, emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when the other person is lying right beside you — when you can’t connect and your emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship.

Emotional Needs

Often people aren’t aware of their emotional needs and just feel that something’s missing. But people have many emotional needs in intimate relationships. They include the following needs:

  • To be listened to and understood
  • To be nurtured
  • To be appreciated
  • To be valued
  • To be accepted
  • For affection
  • For love
  • For companionship

Consequently, if there is high conflict, abuse, or infidelity, these emotional needs go unmet. Sometimes, infidelity is a symptom of emotional abandonment in the relationship by one or both partners. Additionally, if one partner is addicted, the other may feel neglected, because the addiction comes first and consumes the addict’s attention, preventing him or her from being present.

Causes of Emotional Abandonment

Yet even in a healthy relationship, there are periods, days, and even moments of emotional abandonment that may be intentional or unconscious. They can be caused by:

  • Intentionally withholding communication or affection
  • External stressors, including the demands of parenting
  • Illness
  • Conflicting work schedules
  • Lack of mutual interests and time spent together
  • Preoccupation and self-centeredness
  • Lack of healthy communication
  • Unresolved resentment
  • Fear of intimacy

When couples don’t share common interests or work and sleepschedules, one or both may feel abandoned. You have to make an extra effort to spend time talking about your experiences and intimate feelings with each other to keep the relationship fresh and alive.

More harmful are unhealthy communication patterns that may have developed, where one or both partners doesn’t share openly, listen with respect, and respond with interest to the other. If you feel ignored or that your partner doesn’t understand or care about what you’re communicating, then there’s a chance that eventually you may stop talking to him or her. Walls begin to build and you find yourself living separate lives emotionally. One sign may be that you talk more to your friends than to your partner or are disinterested in sex or spending time together.

Resentments easily develop in relationships when your feelings, especially hurt or anger, aren’t expressed. When they go underground, you may either pull away emotionally or push your partner away with criticism or undermining comments. If you have expectations that you don’t communicate, but instead believe your partner should be able to guess or intuit them, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment.

When you or your partner fears intimacy, you may pull away, put up walls, or push one another away. Usually, this fear isn’t conscious. In counseling, couples are able to talk about their ambivalence, which allows them to get closer. Often abandoning behavior occurs after a period of closeness or sex. One person may physically withdraw or create distance by not talking or even by talking too much. Either way, it may leave the other person feeling alone and abandoned. Fears of intimacy usually stem from emotional abandonment in childhood.

CLICK HERE to read more.

52 Fantastic Dates For Fearless Married Couples

/in , /by

By Keishia Lee-Louis

You mean we still have to date? Couples looking to renew their relationships ask this question all of the time. The answer is a resounding YES!!! It’s the best way to ward off infidelity and a lack of satisfaction with your relationship.

Think about it. Wasn’t that the most interesting time in your relationship? You and your spouse were just getting to know one another and everything was fresh and new.

If you want to keep the spark in your marriage, sometimes you have to act as though you’re still dating. No kids, no bills, no work. Nothing to distract you from getting to know each other a little better.

Here are 52 ideas for great dates. One for each week of the year. I’m not saying that’s how often you should go out. I’m just providing some fuel for your fire.

And notice– not once do I mention movies. No matter how fun they are, it’s time to broaden your scope. From daring to romantic, here they are:

1. Visit a Safari park

2. Be tourists again, and tour your local historic site.

3. Go to the museum

4. Take in a play

5. Ride bikes in the park and have a picnic

6. Go roller skating/blading

7. Try your hand at bowling

8. Check out the planetarium

9. Take a cooking class together

10. Swim at the beach or lake

11. Go to an amusement park

12. Sing karaoke

13. Play pool

14. Get salsa lessons– or try the tango

15. Fly a kite

16. Go rock climbing– indoors or out

17. Hear some cool jazz

18. Try a poetry slam

19. Go line dancing

20. Try some tapas

21. See an opera

22. Check out a baseball game

23. Go to a book signing

24. Become putt-putt golf pros

25. Drive a race car

26. Play video games at an arcade

27. Walk along the pier

28. Ride in a glider

29. Run a race

30. Go to a hockey game

31. Eat at a Brazilian steakhouse

32. Solve clues at a mystery dinner theatre

33. Laugh at a comedy club

34. Embark on a dinner cruise

35. Make your personalized teddy bears

36. Find fish fascinating at the aquarium

37. Take a hike

38. Grab a cup of coffee and a decadent treat

39. Check out a concert under the stars

40. Feed each other fondue

41. Take a hot air balloon ride

42. Visit a vineyard

43. Treat yourself to the spa

44. Curl up next to a fire and read to each other

45. Be pampered at a bed & breakfast

46. Sit for a portrait

47. Go skiing

48. Ride in a helicopter

49. Catch the carnival while it’s in town

50. Go antiquing (or junkin’ depending upon your perspective)

51. Watch ’em ride at the rodeo

52. Make memories in an art/photography class

Keishia Lee-Louis work has appeared on iVillage.com, BibleResourceCenter.com, and in numerous printed publications.

Through Ups & Downs, Thick & Thin, No Matter What–GIVE THANKS For Your Marriage

/in , /by

By Team BLAM

With all of the demands and responsibilities that we all have to deal with on a regular basis it’s a wonder that we can all get up every day, swing our feet out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other as we live out the days of our lives. I’m so often amazed by the things that we all have to get done every day from getting to work, actually getting work done, taking care of the kids, volunteering at church, going back to school, putting out crises at home and at work, paying bills–the list goes on and on.

One of the easiest and most efficient ways to stay centered and grounded in the midst of the hustle and bustle of our lives is to simply STAY GRATEFUL. When we can remain grateful for all that we have–no matter the imperfections–it is so much easier to move gracefully through life.

So, today –make sure you take the time to tell your spouse how grateful you are for their presence in your life. Thank them for making dinner, doing the laundry, keeping the oil in the car changed, trying to get better with your finances, spending time with the kids, putting a new roll of tissue on the tissue roll when its down to 3 squares…..you get the point…  DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL YOUR SPOUSE AND THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!

Life’s Trials Are Truly Testing My Marriage

/in , /by

Video: I just want to start off by saying I truly think you guys are amazing. I really respect the fact that you tell it how it is, you don’t sugar coat things and I think it helps when a third party can come in and dissect the situation and give their opinions.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. When we first started dating things were great. There were tons of hugs and kisses. We had a great sex life. Sure there were the occasional arguments but even though it wasn’t perfect it was great. I could honestly call him my best friend. We did everything together. Even if we weren’t doing anything we still had a great time.
2 years ago in January I was attacked in an underground parking lot and was raped by 3 men. I have never felt so disgusting and violated in my life. I remember being so scared to see my husband (boyfriend at the time) I really felt like it was my fault. I felt like I had cheated on him without wanting to cheat. I know that probably sounds so messed up but I felt more horrible about how my husband was going to feel more than myself. He took the news hard however he just held me, told me how much he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I had never felt so safe then I did that day in his arms. It was allot of work but we worked through the horrible situation. He took his time; he was patient and loving etc. A few months later on April 5th he asked me to marry him, he didn’t want to wait and by noon on April 6th we were husband and wife.
Shortly after we got married we found out I was pregnant … my husband and I both didn’t want children and had many conversations about it and when we found out it took a bit but both of us were so excited. He was amazing; he would come home from work with little outfits or toys for our baby. I carried until 8 months and then went into labour; we had a beautiful little girl who passed away 2 days later in the hospital due to health issues. I can honestly say I have never experienced that kind of heartbreak. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. My husband and I took awhile to move through those emotions. Even though there isn’t a day either one of us don’t think of our little girl we have to move on with our lives.
A few months after our daughter’s birth and passing I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I have had 2 surgeries and have gone through chemo and radiation treatments. I had very little energy, felt horrible almost all the time but my husband was great. After treatments he would just hold me and let me cry. He would again tell me everything will be okay … and I again felt safe felt like I had something to fight for.
A few months ago I was told that there was active cancer cells again and I am currently going through tests and treatments etc. The difference this time is that my husband isn’t holding me anymore. He won’t kiss me unless I ask; he won’t hug me when I hug him. He sleeps on the couch, and every night I go ask him to come to bed and he tells me he is comfy. We don’t have sex. When I try he tells me he is too tired or just isn’t in the mood. I truly don’t remember the last time we had a full conversation that wasn’t about normal everyday events such as bill payments, groceries etc. I know he loves me but I really can’t say if he is in love with me anymore. I’m so tired, and I cry myself to sleep every night. Honestly I feel he is holding allot of resentment against me. We were in a heated argument a few months ago and he let slip out that “his life was quiet and normal before me” I didn’t ask for the rape, the passing of our baby girl or the cancer that is attacking me. When we made up he said he didn’t mean it but I really feel like that type of comment couldn’t have come out without some meaning behind it. I was just wondering if I could get your opinions on the situation and I guess I just want to know if you think that there have been so many things that have come at us that maybe there is no hope of going back.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this 🙂

——————————————————–

 CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE to have an opportunity to TELL YOUR STORY ABOUT INFIDELITY ON NATIONAL T.V.

CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

CLICK HERE to get our incredible COMMUNICATION PACKAGE so you can connect like you deserve to.

Buy Now

Buy Now

Take Me Back To Where Commitment Was Golden

/in /by

By Ilex Bien-Aime

While watching the show Gangland the other day, I saw a group called the Traveling Vice Lords. When certain members were asked about the possibility of them leaving the gang, they refused because of the commitment made. To a law abiding citizen, hearing something like that was quite appalling but it also opened my eyes to the thinking of this world. Many of us have some screwed up priorities when it comes to what we should and should not be committed to. Often times we dedicate ourselves to things that do not matter while distancing ourselves from the things that do.

The institution of marriage is in trouble. It used to be that people would refrain from getting married because they were afraid of settling down, but now I hear people refraining from marriage because they see no true commitment between married people. Everyday someone is filing for divorce and when the smoke clears and all is said and done, the cause of the breakup was a lack of commitment. The documents may say irreconcilable differences or whatever else, but at the end of the day, it was one or both partners refusing to fully invest in something they said that they would cherish for a life time.

I have seen committed people before in all walks of life, but when it comes to marriage I see very little commitment. Seriously, I know people who are committed to sports, their careers, fraternities, sororities, and all kinds of things. They will fight tooth and nail to preserve whatever interests them the most but marriage, the holy institution formed by God Himself, is optional for them to preserve. It’s crazy how people will herald and defend a shield that is man made but will disrespect the sanctity of marriage.

It really makes me sad and angry to see just how crazy our priorities really are. I just don’t know which person is sadder, the man who is dedicated to a gang who is known for killing innocent people or the man who is willing to throw away his marriage because it has not turned out the way he envisioned it. We are more committed to tattooing the name of our spouse on our bodies than actually maintaining the relationship with our spouse. Does this not make you angry?

Maybe it’s just me who has bumped his head. Maybe I see the world in this idealistic way that is supposed to be governed with morals and standards that don’t really exist. When I talk to people about athletes who have not signed a prenuptial agreement,everyone thinks that I am stupid and naive for saying that a marriage should not need such an agreement. Sure I understand the concept but if a marriage has to have a contract behind it, it shows a lack of commitment. Marriage should not have a what if option. Maybe I am dreaming but take me back to where commitment was golden!

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.


VIDEO RECAP: The Black Love Bond “Dating In DC” Event Was So Much Fun!

/in , /by

By Aiyana Ma’at

Recently, Ayize and I were asked to participate in a Dating & Relationships panel that explored the dynamics of dating here in our hometown–the DMV. The event was hosted and put on by our new friend Krystal Glass of KrystalGlassEmpire.com.  We were joined on the panel by author, journalist, and pop culture critic Helena Andrews, writer/crimefighter and co-founder of VerySmartBrothas.com Panama Jackson, founder of WifeyNTraining.net Nee Cee Simmons, and Host of “The Luv Lounge” Radio Show Jamal Muhammad.

It was so well put together and fun, fun, fun! Krystal is a woman on a mission to provide a platform for much needed conversations in our community. She considers herself a community servant and it really comes through! If you’re in the DC Metropolitan area—check her out and come out to support one of her many interesting and dynamic events. Follow Krystal on Twitter @Krystal_Glass. Here’ a peek at what the event was like. Can we say intellectually stimulating?!

2 Simple But Powerful Ways To Strengthen The Bond Between Marriage & Romance

/in , /by

By Hayden Danczak

The words marriage and romance sometimes mix like oil and vinegar for a lot of married couples. Just think about it for a second. When was the last time you and your spouse spent some quality time together outside of the bedroom? A lot of people will not be able to remember the last time! One of the biggest reasons that marriages start to fail, can be directly attributed to a lack of romance in the marriage. In order for any marriage to thrive and remain healthy, it is important that married couples work at keeping the romance spark alive in their relationship.

While it sounds nice to hear that keeping the romance in your marriage alive will help it to remain healthy, it is not always easy. So how do you go about keeping marriage and romance together in your marriage? For starters, it is important that you consider your spouse’s needs, wants, or interests in mind. Romance is a two way street and you must be able to compromise with your spouse in order to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.

Marriage and romance doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact probably the most important first step in rekindling your romance is through simple daily affection. Now this may sound trivial and not to exciting, but the fact is, that this should be the foundation for romance. We sometimes get too caught up in the daily grind of work, family, chores, etc. and forget to do the little things that allowed us to fall in love in the first place.

Affection doesn’t cost anything and it is pleasurable to both give and receive. Remember a simple “I love you,” goes a long way. So what are some easy ways to show your affection? Simple things such as holding hands, kissing, and embracing your spouse can really show your affection. Don’t be afraid to show affection in public (don’t get too crazy) it can really prove to your spouse that you want others to know just how much you care about them which is important.

I’d say the other important part to keeping romance alive is spending alone time with your partner. Just like showing affection, many married couples, stop going out on dates. Whether it’s a special night alone in the house or a romantic night out on the town, it is vital that you spend time alone with your spouse. Going out on a date should not be a complicated process. Make it exciting, and something for the two of you to look forward to.

There are a couple of ways to set up a date that can be both exciting and memorable. You could plan a surprise weekend getaway for you and your spouse. This builds up excitement and can really ignite the romantic fire. Or, simply plan a night out together without the kids. It doesn’t matter whether its dinner and a movie, or stopping by the local bar to have a couple of drinks, the important thing is that you and your spouse are spending time alone to reconnect.

Romance needs to be an essential part of any healthy marriage. Remember, keeping romance alive is not and should not be difficult. Simple things that we may take for granted such as showing daily affection are very powerful actions. Also, spending time alone together can really keep the marriage away from the mundane of the daily grind. Just remember, if you want to keep the chemistry between marriage and romance flowing, then you have to put forth the effort and show your spouse that they are still very much an important and necessary part of your life.

Hayden Danczak is the owner of Makeamarriagework.net. Visit the site today.

What Type Of Trust Do You Have In Your Marriage?

/in /by

By  Drs. Evelyn and Paul Moschetta

A happy marriage rests on a foundation of unquestioned trust. If you want your marriage to be all it can be, you must know how to create this kind of trust. Most couples think of trust exclusively in terms of being sexually faithful, which is essential, but there’s more to it.

Our research into strong healthy marriages revealed five specific kinds of trust husbands and wives gave one another. Go over the following list and check which kind of trust you bring or do not bring into your marriage. Ask your spouse to do the same and share your results. This is an excellent way to clarify where your trust is solid or where it may need work.

Here are the 5 dimensions of unquestioned trust:

1. Trust that you will be sexually faithful.Without sexual fidelity marriage becomes unworkable. Partners can recover from an affair but need professional help to do it. Keep your commitment to be sexually faithful and if you’re unhappy in your marriage: get counseling and not a part-time lover.

2. Trust that you will not harm,reject or control one another. Trust thrives in an atmosphere of safety and security. Hurting one another, physically or verbally, and then rejecting one another, creates fear which undermines trust. With control comes mistrust so make sure your love is not filled with a lot of possessive clinging which pushes your partner away.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Want A Seriously Strong Marriage? Set Relationship Goals.

/in , /by

By Richard Nicastro

When you consider what your relationship needs, consider the laws of gravity. An object that is set in motion will continue to move, unless something stands in its way. On the flip side, a motionless object will never move unless something acts upon it. Your relationship or marriage will remain inert unless you act to put it and keep it in motion. And, just as day-to-day goals keep you moving from one task to the next, setting goals for your relationship will infuse your relationship with that vital momentum.

When you and your partner work together to create goals that improve or maintain the health of your relationship, you also create an atmosphere of collegiality and companionship. Relationship goals will help you and your partner remain focused whenever the relationship goes through the difficult transitions that all unions experience. These goals can also act as the antidote to the stagnation and lethargy that can creep into any marriage over time.

Establishing relationship goals does not have to be a complicated process. In fact, the simpler and more straightforward the goal, the better. The biggest challenge you’ll face is remaining consistent in your efforts toward reaching your goals.

Working toward your relationship goals means working to become a better partner to your mate. A word of warning, though: Do not establish goals for your partner! Focus on establishing your own goals, your partner should focus on his/her goals, and the two of you can create joint goals (e.g., traveling more, spending more time socializing with other couples, sharing household tasks).

Relationship goals—Where to begin:

First, pick an area of your relationship that you’d like to work on. Here are some examples:

1. Communication goals: How can you become a better communicator? This might involve asking your partner more questions about his/her job, not interrupting your partner while s/he is speaking, or stating your needs more directly.

2. Compassion/support goals: This might involve asking your partner what s/he needs, driving him/her to a doctor’s appointment, or setting aside a certain amount of time each day to check in with each other.

3. Affection/love goals: How often and how clearly do you express your emotions? Being affectionate can take on many different forms: directly with loving statements; through touch, such as hand-holding or a shoulder rub; or by establishing special gestures that only the two of you share. Establishing goals to be more demonstrative means finding creative ways to express loving feelings on a regular basis.

3. Negotiation/compromise goals: Being in a committed relationship means learning to compromise. Taking steps to appreciate your partner’s viewpoint (even when you may not agree with him/her) sends the message that you take your partner’s needs seriously. Negotiating and learning to “agree to disagree” are essential for the health of your relationship.

4. Commitment goals: You can’t feel an intimate connection with another human being unless you first feel safe with him/her. When you demonstrate commitment, you lay the groundwork for emotional safety and therefore, for intimacy. Think of commitment like a safety net: even during difficult times, that commitment will be there to break your fall. Establishing commitment goals might involve spending more time with your partner or making decisions that clearly demonstrate that your relationship is a top priority in your life.

5. Physical intimacy goals: Take steps to become a more attuned, responsive sexual partner. For instance, take the time to discover all the ways in which your partner would like to be sexually satisfied or come to an agreement with your partner regarding how often you’d both like to make love.

6. Shared interests/activities goals: The most successful married couples cite friendship as a key ingredient of their long-term success. Work toward developing activities that you both enjoy and that you both enjoy sharing with one another. You might try a new activity together each month, such as taking tennis lessons or learning to speak a new language.

7. Household responsibility goals: How involved are you with completing household chores? Does it feel like the work is equally or fairly divided? The mundane details of daily life (things like cooking, shopping, cleaning) should be negotiated, not just assumed by default. Find out if your partner is happy with the current arrangement by asking if there is more that you can do.

This list is by no means exhaustive. Reflect on the areas of your relationship that you’d like to improve. Do some introspecting on your own and also think back to feedback you may have already received from your partner. For instance, if your partner has questioned your commitment by noting, “You never call when you say you’re going to,” you can develop a goal to show your commitment by becoming more reliable in following through on your promises.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Visit him at StrengthenYourRelationship.com