Life’s Trials Are Truly Testing My Marriage
Video: I just want to start off by saying I truly think you guys are amazing. I really respect the fact that you tell it how it is, you don’t sugar coat things and I think it helps when a third party can come in and dissect the situation and give their opinions.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. When we first started dating things were great. There were tons of hugs and kisses. We had a great sex life. Sure there were the occasional arguments but even though it wasn’t perfect it was great. I could honestly call him my best friend. We did everything together. Even if we weren’t doing anything we still had a great time.
2 years ago in January I was attacked in an underground parking lot and was raped by 3 men. I have never felt so disgusting and violated in my life. I remember being so scared to see my husband (boyfriend at the time) I really felt like it was my fault. I felt like I had cheated on him without wanting to cheat. I know that probably sounds so messed up but I felt more horrible about how my husband was going to feel more than myself. He took the news hard however he just held me, told me how much he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I had never felt so safe then I did that day in his arms. It was allot of work but we worked through the horrible situation. He took his time; he was patient and loving etc. A few months later on April 5th he asked me to marry him, he didn’t want to wait and by noon on April 6th we were husband and wife.
Shortly after we got married we found out I was pregnant … my husband and I both didn’t want children and had many conversations about it and when we found out it took a bit but both of us were so excited. He was amazing; he would come home from work with little outfits or toys for our baby. I carried until 8 months and then went into labour; we had a beautiful little girl who passed away 2 days later in the hospital due to health issues. I can honestly say I have never experienced that kind of heartbreak. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. My husband and I took awhile to move through those emotions. Even though there isn’t a day either one of us don’t think of our little girl we have to move on with our lives.
A few months after our daughter’s birth and passing I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I have had 2 surgeries and have gone through chemo and radiation treatments. I had very little energy, felt horrible almost all the time but my husband was great. After treatments he would just hold me and let me cry. He would again tell me everything will be okay … and I again felt safe felt like I had something to fight for.
A few months ago I was told that there was active cancer cells again and I am currently going through tests and treatments etc. The difference this time is that my husband isn’t holding me anymore. He won’t kiss me unless I ask; he won’t hug me when I hug him. He sleeps on the couch, and every night I go ask him to come to bed and he tells me he is comfy. We don’t have sex. When I try he tells me he is too tired or just isn’t in the mood. I truly don’t remember the last time we had a full conversation that wasn’t about normal everyday events such as bill payments, groceries etc. I know he loves me but I really can’t say if he is in love with me anymore. I’m so tired, and I cry myself to sleep every night. Honestly I feel he is holding allot of resentment against me. We were in a heated argument a few months ago and he let slip out that “his life was quiet and normal before me” I didn’t ask for the rape, the passing of our baby girl or the cancer that is attacking me. When we made up he said he didn’t mean it but I really feel like that type of comment couldn’t have come out without some meaning behind it. I was just wondering if I could get your opinions on the situation and I guess I just want to know if you think that there have been so many things that have come at us that maybe there is no hope of going back.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this 🙂
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This post made me lose my breath. God bless both of you for the pain you're experiencing. But bad times don't last always. Counseling would certainly be the best option for you guys in my opinion. You need to be able to grieve for the lost and learn coping techniques and how to get through it together. I'll be praying for you.
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I will be praying for you, wifey. You and your husband have been through a lot, and it's a miracle that you're still together. Many others would have bailed out long before this.
I pray that this isn't the thing that breaks the marriage. Persistence is needed to maintain marriage. You've got that going for you. Now you need some skills in how to re-start and maintain intimacy, and tips on weathering a difficult season.
The Ma'at's have given you great advice. Follow it. I'll add this advice to theirs: Get on that sofa with your man, girl. Cuddle up to him, and both of you sleep there, if he won't come to bed. If he doesn't want to talk……don't talk. Ensure that you maintain physical intimacy beginning with sleeping together through the night. This needs to progress to daytime cuddling, hugging and kissing.
Once you're feeling closer, the talking will come. I'd also suggest some crying sessions. You guys need to grieve all of the losses in your young marriage. Do that together. Don't let him grieve alone, honey.
May God bless your marriage. I pray that love and compassion for one another would bloom again in both of your hearts. I pray healing for your body and your marriage.
Amen!
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Thank you for being transparent with such painful occurrences. Not sure where you are spiritually–but it would not hurt for both of you to seek professional counseling. It will strengthen your marriage. Praying for you–you are very strong.
I love the male and female perspective that the two of you offer. This is why I always recommend couples counseling. It's hard to find, but it is best. I love the new set. I am thankful for the two of you.
What I wonder about this woman is if she has defined her life as her tragedies. Sometimes when things happen in our lives, good or bad we take those incidents on as our identity. Everything we do, see, and how we act is from the vantage point of being that incident. Horrors happen. Good things happen. No matter what happens we have to keep walking and remember that we aren't those events. Those events come and they have an impact on us, but they aren't us. Think about who you were before those things happened, and be her again. Be a better her. Be a stronger her. Be a healthier her. Be a safer her.
If your husband is afraid, its time for you to be a rock. Your time as the injured party is over. Love is giving and taking. It's time to reflect what he has been to you.
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Brooke, you just inspired a new post sis…what you said about people defining their lives as their tragedies and taking bad experiences on as our identity is deeeep! Thx for the insight sis!
My recent post You Need To COMPLETELY Commit In Order To COMPLETELY Connect
POWERFUL MESSAGES FROM YOU? BOTH <3
awesome advice…as always!!!
thx Ronnie
My recent post Life’s Trials Are Truly Testing My Marriage
man I feel like you guy have been in my house . My story is very similar to theirs. I have been rape? lost 2 children and gave one up for adoption . And you are so right its fear my hubby told me he was afraid of me dying. Neither of us have other family its just us and our children. How do we get out of this dead space of resentment ?
Oniamay, I won't get into a bunch of specifics but what I will say is that you have to be intentionally and consistently seeking out healing and movement. So, that means you can't live life every day as though there isn't healing that doesn't need to take place. Whether it be counseling, reading a self help book together, writing each other a letter of apology or a letter of gratitude, joining a rape survivors group or a Grief group you need to be consciously working to heal as individuals and as a couple.
My recent post You Need To COMPLETELY Commit In Order To COMPLETELY Connect
Even a rock needs a pillow. And sometimes the rain gets frustrating. Even though they are going through a lot at least make the decision to? be vivrant in spite of.