The A B C’s Of Marriage. It’s Not Child’s Play

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By Ruth Purple

You’re in this for the long haul-MARRIAGE. Some people are afraid of it, some can’t wait for it. Others never even consider it. Marriage is one of the greatest decisions we make in our lifetime. A decision which means we are ready to face and tackle situations bigger than ourselves.

Being emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically ready is a must if you are decided in walking the aisle. Having a positive perspective and considering the larger picture and thinking ahead are one of the basics of marriage. In marriage, your responsibility is so magnanimous, a lot of things depends on you.

That is why love is one of the essentials of entering this sacred vow-it makes everything beautiful no matter how heavy and demanding matters get. But there’s a catch- no matter how much you love, respect and adore each other it will never ever count unless you show it to your partner.

That is why everything boils down to communication. It’s not as easy as it seems. Communication requires honesty, vulnerability and compromise. You should learn to let your guard down and let go of your own issues. Scary if you think about it but would you rather prioritize your own fears and issues at the expense of the betterment of your relationship? Power play in marriage is like oil in water- its a poison mixture.

A hug, a kiss before leaving for work, simple things that make you feel you really belong. All of these are forms of communication or affection. Listening is also important, not just ordinary listening but really listening- paying attention. When you listen, focus on the message your partner needs to convey not your own insecurities.

Communication in marriage is opening your soul, your whole being and not losing it, doing this should definitely make you grow as a person. Consider communication as the blood supply of your marriage-it is the one carrying the love and respect and other essential nutrients to make the whole relationship function properly.

Yes, there will be glitches but as long as the blood keeps on circulating- it will be okay. Trust will not exist in marriage if there is no communication. And having no trust in a relationship is like living inside an invisible cage- hell on earth. Once communication is settled and trust is established it is easier for other areas of your marriage to fall into place.

A strong foundation depends upon your beliefs, your values, your morals and how much you are willing to compromise. This is quite critical because this is what your marriage is built upon. Couples who have different views in this area don’t last very long. Learning to compromise and meet halfway is half the battle.

Other significant elements that every marriage cannot live without is of course- total honesty, full understanding and sincere forgiveness. All of these should be practiced with each other and also with yourself. You have to be honest. If there is no true understanding of yourself and no honesty within yourself it will be difficult for you to be honest with your spouse.

No one is perfect so cut yourself some slack sometimes.  It is impossible to forgive others if you cannot forgive yourself. It goes without saying that you should learn to take care of yourself before you decide to take care of others. Aside from loving, trusting and understanding each other, by all means be friends- establish a friendship with each other because no matter how difficult and tedious things get, it will be fun when your doing it with a friend.


Ruth Purple is a freelance writer and relationship coach. Visit her at Youcangethimback.com.

The Power Of Intimacy: Overcoming Barriers to Deep and Lasting Closeness

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By William Defoore

Have you ever been afraid of really loving someone? Have you been afraid of letting someone really love you? Most of us have known this fear. To love and be loved is what we want more than anything, so why would we be so afraid of having the deep, intimate experience of loving and being loved?

Why do we feel the most fear and anger with those we love the most? Why is it that domestic violence is considered by the police to be the most dangerous situation they can walk into? These are important questions. Let’s consider some possible answers.

As adults, we “fall” in love. This experience of loving at some point reminds us of how we were hurt in past experiences of loving. Of course, we are afraid of being hurt, no matter how big, strong or healthy we may happen to be. So we try to protect ourselves. This is human nature.

It follows that the more we love, the more potential we have to be hurt, afraid and angry. Fortunately the love can grow and mature in such a way that the pain and fear are minimized and we no longer need anger for protection from those we love. This happens as our skill, strength, knowledge and awareness expand, allowing the more vulnerable inner core of love to grow and expand into the world around us.  So how does this happen in real life?

THE FIRST STEP TO TRUE INTIMACY

The first step to true intimacy is to know, understand and become intimate with yourself. Your self is what you bring into a relationship. If you don’t know this self or you feel ashamed of some part it, you will not be able or willing to share those aspects with your loved one. If there are wounds that have not healed, you will automatically hide and protect those wounded parts. You will not offer yourself fully to another, as is required for true intimacy, unless you feel good about the self you are offering.

This simply means that each of us must make a journey into ourselves to learn about our own defense mechanisms, to manage our fear and to heal our pain. Only then can we reach the healing core of love that is the heart of who we are. Only then will we be willing to allow someone else to really know and love us for all that we are.

The first part of ourselves we offer to others is what we consider to be our best self. We smile, shake hands or hug and act as if everything is just fine, whether it is or not. We show our social skills, demonstrate our knowledge and awareness in our conversation and try to give the impression of being a healthy, together person. This is the realm in which we operate at work or with people we don’t know very well. This is the part of ourselves we use to “make a good impression” on someone we like. This may even be all we really know of ourselves.

In school and throughout our lives, we have gained knowledge, skill, strength and awareness about the world around us–but we never really learned very much about ourselves. But it is your self that you are having trouble with. Your anger comes from you, not from somewhere else.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE DEFENSES?

One of the first things that happens when you start trying to get to know yourself is that you run into your own defense mechanisms. Defenses fall into two basic categories: fight and flight. In other words, we tend to protect and defend ourselves by either getting angry or getting out–of the situation.

Do you know how to take a break in a relationship to give yourself time to think and calm down? If not, are you trying to solve your problems with anger, and finding that you’re only making it worse? Do you shut down until you can’t stand it any more and then you explode in anger?

Don’t judge yourself at this point, just try to figure out what your defense strategies are.

Next ask yourself what you are afraid of when you are using these defense methods. Whether you know it or not, you are afraid of being hurt when you’re angry. Fear drives your anger. If you don’t know what your fear is, you will be blindly controlled by your anger.

Fear falls into two basic categories. We are either afraid of being attacked, assaulted, smothered or violated (something happening to us), or we are afraid of losing someone or something we love (feelings of rejection, abandonment and jealousy come into play here). All of your fears came from some past experience of pain.

To deal with your anger, you have to understand your fear. To understand your fear you have to understand and heal your pain.

We have all been hurt. That’s part of being human. If you don’t know your pain, you are unconsciously driven by efforts to avoid it happening again. This is what drives most of the anger problems we see in the world every day.

Your task is to learn how you were hurt, and heal those wounds. That will take the fire out from under your fear and anger, and you will be able to gain control.

You can do it. Don’t ever give up on yourself!

THE INTIMACY YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED

When you have experienced some emotional healing from your past wounds, you will be a more compassionate, empathetic and loving person. This will make your efforts at intimacy much more successful.

Intimacy is not just great romance, fun and affection. Intimacy is being close and connected through the hard times. Which means being comfortable with your own and your partner’s pain and fear.

I have found in my 30 plus years of counseling that when a person heals from her/his emotional wounds of the past, intimacy becomes possible for the first time. The skills are easy to learn, once you’re ready!

William DeFoore, Ph.D. is a counselor, speaker and coach who conducts workshops on anger management and emotional intelligence in personal and business relationships. Get information, watch videos and buy books, CDs and downloads at http://www.defoore.com

Jennifer Williams Talks About Being A “Basketball Wife”, Leaked Nude Pics, & Drama On The Show

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Are you a fan of Baketball Wives?  Is it too sensational, too crass, too exciting, too “can you believe that just happened?”, or too much of a poor representation of the completeness of black women?  Whether you’re a fan or not one thing you can’t say is that the show is boring.  In the above interview with Jennifer Williams she speaks about some of the drama on the show, what it’s like being a Basketball Wife, and some leaked nude pics of her.  Check out the interview and let us know what you think.

Can You Forgive The Other Woman?

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

If you’ve been reading my work for awhile, you know that I keep it 100%. (If you are new to my posts, just put on a seatbelt, this one is a talker.) Here is the question I want to pose this morning: Is warning others about the misdeeds of a mistress spreading gossip or community service? (I told you it was a talker.)

Here is where this is coming from: If you know that someone has a history of dating married men, do you warn other wives about the behavior so that they can guard their home or do you remain silent? Before you answer let me share my train of thought…

Part-A of me says “Yes! Definitely warn other wives who may come in contact with this person about the mistress’s history of behavior. That is your duty to other wives. Wives have to be united against all threats to marriage especially the jumpoff.”

But the other part (Part-B) of me says, “No. People change even people that you don’t like. And if God wipes your past clean then who are you to hold someone else’s past against them.”

But back to Part-A, “God forgives and I am not God. It’s hard to forgive someone who doesn’t think they did anything wrong and still holds baseless grudges against you.”

Part-B comes back with “Forgiveness is not for others, it’s for you. It is necessary to your growth. You can’t ask God to bless you while harboring unforgiveness against others.”

So, there lies my answer. You really can’t argue with God, right?

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com

When Was The Last Time You Wrote A Sensuous Love Letter To Your Spouse?

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By Lynella Grant

Love Letters are a Sensuous Mode of Communication.

A love letter to a sweetheart speaks more directly to the heart than any other form of writing. Words chosen for their emotional overtones feel like poetry. They spin a web of attraction that arouses and entices the senses.

“Sensuous” is often used as a synonym for sexy. But it’s more accurate definition is “to delight the senses” – all of them. Romance is sensuous because all the senses participate in the experience. A declaration of love that speaks directly to them ignites passion – because that’s how the emotions and senses express approval. Words Take a Back Seat to Feelings for Love Letter Receivers

In face-to-face communication we all “read” each other – the speaker’s gestures, facial expression, confidence, enthusiasm, etc. Any sour note or inconsistency undercuts the credibility of what’s being said. Each of our senses report confirming impressions; or whether something “smells fishy.” When words “ring true,” we’re inclined to trust. Our guard goes down a few notches.

Body language communicates faster and more accurately than words can. WHAT is being said is less important than HOW it’s being said. That’s not fresh news. But most people fail to realize that written words carry hitchhiking messages as well. And a love letter even more so.

Use words that “speak” for the senses: “the smell of your hair”…, “the feeling of the breeze that stirred up the…”. That adds potency and imagery to your declaration.

A Love Letter Says “I Love You” in Multiple Ways

The point of almost all communication (spoken or in writing) is to be logical – to persuade the rational mind. A love letter does quite the opposite – sending its message to the heart.

A love letter is sent only to a particular person, with a desire to strengthen the bond between the sender and receiver. Taking the time and effort to write a heartfelt love letter makes the receiver feel primary – ahead of everything else. It’s very un-naturalness delivers a potent declaration in its own right.

Although sending one is effective during courtship, a love letter is equally desirable for those in long-tem relationships. You really can’t say “I love you” too often, or in too many ways. The trick is in finding creative and fresh ways to say it anew.

Presentation Bolsters the Loving Message

The “message” the receiver gets includes all those impressions that accompany the letter itself. We like to think that we communicate with what we say – the words. But in truth, people trust the other senses more. So deliver the letter in a way that demonstrates such nuances.

Think beyond the letter’s words. Involve the senses in the experience of receiving and reading it. Add sensuousness to your message by creating at total experience – all reinforcing the importance of your relationship.

– Vision – Looks good, on high-quality or colored paper. Use a pen and write it with your best penmanship. Edit and recopy if necessary. Emails and word-processed emails flunk the vision test.

– Hearing – The crinkle of the paper is a plus. Suggest they have a particular song playing when they read it, for example.

– Smell – A squirt of your perfume or after-shave in a time honored addition – the receiver senses your presence.

– Touch – Paper choice is important since 30% of the message is received by the fingers, before a word is read. Textured and heavy-weight paper says you’re substantial and credible. Why not put something touchy-feely in the envelope too?

– Combination of them – The whole should be more than the sum of specific sense impressions – their overall effect should say “You’re special!”

Never doubt that a love letter pays off in a relationship in many ways. Keeping that practice alive is a vote for romance.

Fuss & Move Forward. The Ma’at’s PROVE It Can Be Done. BLOOPERS PART 2

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VIDEO: Couples have spats and get on each other’s nerves. We are no exception. However, the folks who know how to move and flow through the conflict are the ones who win the big prize—a successful & secure relationship. As you travel the marriage path you learn not to take each other too seriously, fuss a little, laugh a lot, and MOVE FORWARD. Watch as the Ma’at’s bring this concept to life.

Stimulate Your Love Life With The Secrets Of Feng Shui

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By Jacob Jelling

Feng shui relationship secrets and advice can help you create and maintain a solid relationship. Everyone wants to find their soul mate and keep them. Those who have a partner in life may want to make their intimate life brighter and strengthen their bond. Here are some feng shui relationship secrets for those who want to attract, retain and strengthen their love.

Let’s start with the basics – making a home attractive for relationships. This can be achieved with the Bagua octagon – a tool for improving energy in any premises. It helps to relate the environmental elements with the aspects of life. According to the octagon, the southwest direction is responsible for relationships. Its color is brown. Its symbol is earth. This sector is connected with your partner, whether current or potential.

The first is the front door. The vital energy Qi penetrates through the door into the home, so the door should attract it. The Qi accumulates near the door, and is let inside by the incoming or outgoing people.

There are three optimal directions of the front door. Southeast: helps to preserve peace and prosperity in the family. If your door faces this way, you don’t need to add anything. Southwest: helps to build harmonious and stable families. If your door faces this way, you can add colors / symbols of wood next to the door, such as an image of bamboo or plum blossom. West: helps to increase romance and pleasure. If your door faces this way, you can add earth elements next to the door, such as crystals or objects of stone.

Even if your door faces another direction, it’s not a problem. Decorate it using the color brown or place plants there.

Next is the feng shui relationship advice for the bedroom. Ideally, the bedroom should be located in the southwestern corner of the house, which is responsible for love, loyalty, and caring for family members. If the bedroom is located in another place, do not worry. Feng shui has a list of tools that will help make it more harmonious. First of all, the bedroom should be kept clean everywhere. If you have any devices or exercise equipment in the bedroom, if possible, divide the room into sections, blocking the bed from these.

The bed should not lean sideways into the wall. It is believed that a partner who sleeps near the wall will have less say. When there’s space on both sides, both partners will feel equal.

The bed should not be too broad, as this does not encourage romance. The bed should be small enough to provide intimacy in the relationship. The mattress should not be double; any longitudinal stripes on or above the bed will symbolize the rift in the relationship. Avoid water mattresses and any objects that embody the element of water, as water can carry happiness away. Do not place your bed near a wall adjacent to the bathroom, as your happiness may go down the drain.

Now let’s review the feng shui relationship tips for objects to place in the bedroom or the room located in the southwest direction, in order to activate it. You can enhance it with an earth element (crystals, rose quartz or amethyst) and fire element (candles and red objects, such as a red lamp). Also place love reinforcing symbols in the bedroom, such as double objects: a statue of a man and woman, a pair of ducks, or a dragon with a phoenix.

Jakob Jelling runs http://www.fengshuicrazy.com which teaches the ancient art of feng shui. Please visit his website to learn more about feng shui relationships.

Is It Time For You To Forgive?

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By Michelle Mayur

One of the most powerful gifts we can give ourselves is to forgive, both ourselves and others. In forgiving we are not condoning the behaviour of the person we perceive as having wronged us, but rather we are allowing ourselves to break the hold that person has on our lives. Feeling anger towards that person may have been well-justified, but unless it is dealt with and processed it becomes a corrosive aspect in our bodies, leading to physical disease and emotional illness. Holding onto feelings of anger or revenge are likely to be hurting us rather than the original perpetrator, with whom we may not have had any contact for years, or worse still, who may have already passed over. Do you really want to hurt yourself as well by not forgiving?

Even if you feel you can only make baby steps towards forgiving someone, at least forgive yourself for having allowed yourself to be caught up in the drama for so long. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

Below are a couple of my favourite forgiveness affirmations:

FORGIVENESS AFFIRMATION

I forgive everyone who has ever hurt or harmed me, consciously or unconsciously, in this lifetime or any other, in this universe, dimension, plane or level of existence or any other.

I offer them grace.

I ask forgiveness for everything I have ever done to hurt or harm another, consciously or unconsciously, in this lifetime or any other, in this universe, dimension, plane or level of existence or any other.

I ask for grace.

I forgive myself for everything I have ever done to hurt or harm another, consciously or unconsciously, in this lifetime or any other, in this universe, dimension, plane or level of existence or any other.

I accept grace.

I am free. All chains and restrictions fall from me. I stand in my full power as a master.

AFFIRMATION OF FORGIVENESS & ATONEMENT

I don’t know why you did what you did,

And I don’t know why you said what you said,

And I don’t know why you are the way you are,

But I accept that’s where you need to be now,

And I forgive you and I forgive myself.

I release all anger, bitterness and resentment,

Past or present,

And I release us both in my love.

And so be it.

Exercise: Reclaiming Your Power

All those that you have ever perceived as having wronged you have at a soul level presented themselves to you as opportunities to learn. If you haven’t learnt the lesson, then the other person has also failed in teaching you. Connect to the divine spark in all of them and feel yourself reclaiming your own power directly from the limitless supply of Divine Power. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be caught up in the drama of unforgiveness for so long. See and feel yourself rising up above the circumstances and letting them crumble away below.

Exercise: Forgiveness of Self and Others

Think of a person who has wronged you and for whom there is still bad feeling. Place your hands over your heart with the intention to channel energy to your heart. Read the affirmation of forgiveness and atonement words, with feeling, in your mind and channel energy for 10 minutes or until you feel a shift in your heart. Don’t be surprised if you experience tears as a release as you forgive yourself allowing you to move forward with grace.

Michelle Mayur, a conscious entrepreneur specialising in “Heal the Healer”. Tools and info for developing Wellness Professionals personally and in business. You are invited to visit http://www.heal-the healer.com and http://twitter.com/angelheal

Will Your Relationship Last Forever?

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By Damian Miles

Do you realize that it is perfectly possible for you to have a relationship that lasts forever? And a relationship that is not just normal, or struggling, but that is consistently great. I believe that you can have a relationship where you are soul mates with your partner, and in love, and that you can have this over many many years until your are finally separated by death.

I call such a relationship, a “lifelong soul mate relationship.”

I know that you hope for such a lifelong soul mate relationship, but I suspect that you believe that it is only possible for you in some abstract kind of way. You may even believe that such a relationship is not possible outside of fairy tales.

It is possible for you to have a lifelong soul mate relationship, and there is simple first step to achieving this.

The first step is to see if a relationship, or a prospective relationship has the potential to be a lifelong soul mate relationship.

With regard to achieving a soul mate relationship all people can be divided into three categories. These are: (1) those in relationships that will never become lifelong soul mate relationships, (2) those in relationships that can become lifelong soul mate relationships, and (3) those currently not in a relationship.

(1) Relationships that will never become lifelong soul mates.

No matter how much you want your relationship to work, if your partner does not want it to work, then it won’t. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Many people actually do not want to be a lifelong soul mate, preferring instead a much lesser relationship. If your partner is one of these, you have a simple choice to make, Settle for a relationship that falls far short of being a lifelong soul mate relationship, or get a new relationship. The choice is yours. The rules for having a lifelong soul mate relationship will help you judge your current relationship to see if there is any possibility of it becoming such a relationship.

(2) Those relationships that have the potential to become lifelong soul mate relationships.

These are relationships where both parties are committed to the relationship, committed to a future together, and both are interested in deepening the relationship. The chances of this type of relationship becoming a lifelong soul mate relationship are good. And remember the rules for achieving this relationship are easy to follow.

(3) Those that are not currently in a relationship

For those that are not yet in a relationship the lifelong soul mate rules can be used to judge any prospective partner, increasing the likelihood that any relationship that you are about to enter into will be a lifelong soul mate relationship.

So, take the first step to a lifelong soul mate relationship, and decide which of the above three categories your relationship fits into.

Damian Miles is a life coach and NLP Practitioner and an expert in helping people to live the life of their dreams, and helping people become Powerfully Positive People. For more information on how you can start living your dream life, or on how to become a Powerfully Positive Person and start doing so TODAY check out Damian’s website at http://www.liveyourdreamlifetoday.co.uk

Run Your Marriage Like A Business…Plan Your Work & Work Your Plan

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Do you have strategic planning meetings with your spouse? Do you come together and plan out your year or your five year plan? Do you know your spouse’s long term goals? Do you even know what you plan to be doing in 5-10 years?

Do you have a personal goal that you want to accomplish? Would you like to lose 100 lbs maybe or hike the Great Smokey Mountains? Is there a destination that is on your bucket list that you want to see? Do you want to learn another language?

What plans do you have for your kids? Are you securing their future? Are you giving them the tools they need to not only succeed but to be happy?

Do you plan date nights? Do you plan family time? Do you plan family vacations or anniversaries? Do you know what your spouse considers a good birthday?

Do you know the balance in all household accounts right now? Do you know how much debt you have? Do you have a plan to pay down that debt? Do you have long term fiscal goals?

Do you invest in your marriage and in your self? Are there conferences or workshops that you want to attend either as a couple or as an individual?

Today I don’t have the answers, I just have the questions. But I know that the more you can answer the questions the better off your life and your marriage will be. Does knowing all the answers guarantee happiness? Nope. But knowing the answers does help make it easier to communicate and know where you stand with your spouse.

Good marriages don’t just happen. Good lives don’t just happen. Both require prayer, planning, and hard work. Yes, spontaneity is important but having a plan is also important. Do you have a plan? Are you working the plan? If not, what are you waiting for?


Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com