Is Marriage For White People? That’s A Dumb-A*% Question!

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By Aiyana Ma’at

Okay, so pardon my profanity in the title of this article. But, that’s how I really feel. I haven’t said much in response to the book “Is Marriage For White People” by Stanford Law Professor Ralph Richard Banks. The book has received a whole lot of press and Professor Banks has gotten a whole lot of attention but we haven’t commented over here at BLAM because frankly, the title to the book is stupid and annoying.

Before I go on let me be clear this is not a review or analysis of the book. Rather, this is a response to all of the articles and television programs that are giving so much attention to not only the book but that question in and of itself.

Is Marriage For White People? Really? Let me ask you this.

Is Education For White People?

Is Raising Children For White People?

Is Home Ownership For White People?

Uhhhh….No.

Do people in general, and black folks in particular, have certain psycho-socio-economic hills to climb when it comes to restoring our relationships and our families? Yes.

Are there things that we as a people can do much better at when it comes to learning how to express our love to our children in whole and healthy ways? You bet.

Do we need to pay closer attention to the profound impact of poverty in our communities and learn the skills necessary to build generational wealth in our families and communities?  I am screaming an emphatic Yes!!, Yes!!, yes!!!

And, even with this knowledge that we have some significantly serious things to work on I (as well as most folks) don’t ask stupid questions like “Is Marriage For White People?”. All communities have things they need to work on. Do we hear other communities giving concentrated consideration to “tapping out” and saying “I’m tired of this, let’s just give up”.

And, yes that’s the message that the title “Is Marriage For White People” is generating in our community and beyond—that we should just abandon our own restoration. And, like a colleague and friend of mine, Ronnie Harris Tyler, of BlackAndMrriedWithKids.com, recently said on Headline News “It’s Dangerous”.

Not only is it dangerous, stupid, and annoying—-but it’s a DUMB ASS QUESTION.

Black Folks, don’t be distracted. Let’s keep building. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.


Help! Depressed & Alone: My Husband Plays Video Games 98% Of The Time When He’s Home

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By Team BLAM

We have hundreds of questions waiting to be answered and from time to time we share the question with you our wonderful insightful readers. 🙂 Please take a minute to respond to this wife who is considering leaving her husband. This question has not been altered at all. We give it to you the way it comes to us….

My now husband and I have been together for 4 1/2yrs and married 3 of them. We have a daughter together and I have a daughter of a previous relationship and we are currently expecting a 3rd. We have issues of communicating. Its like I live in a house alone most of the time with the exception of the girls (Kids). He’s in the military and has been deployed last year which somewhat I think has effected him but he is worse than he was before. He plays this online video game 98% of his time at home. I have to rant and go on and on to get attention so it seems. We don’t talk really unless its about the kids or when we’re coming or going from work. I am honestly tired of it. Would it be wrong of me if I left? I’ve expressed my feelings about his excessive gaming, he won’t stop. I feel ultimatums are pointless and will only create rebellion. I feel like I don’t know him and we are just in the same house together but the only time we seem to connect is when we have sex which is now a rare occasion as well. HELP! I’m depressed and feel alone. I have no idea what to do anymore.

BLAM Fam, Help this wife out. I’m sure she’s refreshing her page every few minutes as she waits for some answers.

We can all do our small part. It can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

A Married Couples Biggest Mistake-Don’t Let It Happen In Your Marriage

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By Tzvi Nightingale

Not long ago I heard about a couple who were calling it quits and getting a divorce. They are not new in their marriage. In fact, they have been married for many years. The gentleman explained to me that it was not over anything dramatic such as an affair or significant change in finances, but simply that they “had grown apart.”

It always saddens me when I hear this because I know this could have very easily been avoided. I am sure there were many things I am unaware of that went on in the privacy of his marriage, and while I understand that each relationship is unique, there are nevertheless certain truths and rules of relationships that breed success, or failure  as the case may be here.

“Growing apart” is a slow and insidious process that many couples are not even aware of happening to them before it is too late.

It goes kinda like this: When a couple first meet they are very excited about one another. There is energy and discovery in the relationship and they spend tons of time together getting to know one another. The courtship process continues this way until the big day, the wedding, and then some. The first years are hopeful, energetic, happy and bursting with excitement.

But as the years go by and the young couple settles into a certain routine, new events enter and creep into their lives….

There is making a living, a child or two or three show up;

they have their interests, some shared, most not.

The job(s) have their demands, kids get older; there is carpool, homework, after school activities.

They look for and buy a home and that too has many demands of time, energy and effort.

Not only is there mortgage, but new furnishings, fixing old ones, a sprinkler system that always seems to be on the blink, redoing the bathroom, getting rid of the old smelly carpet and “shall we choose laminated wood, engineered wood or solid; how about bamboo, I hear it is eco-friendly?”

And so the older the couple gets, the more stuff happens in their lives that demand their time and attention. And while all of these issues are certainly important, the couple finds that they no longer have time and energy for each other. Their relationship gets relegated to the back-burner because there are so many imminent and important things to take care of. And lo and behold, before they know it, not only is that spark from their dating days long dead, there is very little sharing happening between them. They gradually become estranged from each other.

If this couple who are now in their 20th year of marriage would go back in time and revisit those days of early courtship, they would find something fascinating. They would see that when they told their friends that they had “just met the greatest guy/gal in the world,” they didn’t describe him/her like this:

“He is so terrific, he is going to make every mortgage payment on time and not only that, but every car payment too!… and for two cars!… and both cars will be luxury vehicles!!” He certainly did not tell his friends, “She’s the best… she is going to be so good at car pooling and making sure the house is clean and orderly and I just know that she is going to find the best pediatrician for our kids once we have some!!”

And while it is true that making mortgage and car payments on time are important, and finding a good pediatrician and caring for the kids is as well, this is not why you married this person. You married them because of who they are as a person, because you enjoyed spending time and sharing life with them. You married them for their soul, for their spirit, for who they are and not for what they would do or accomplish.

If you don’t fight for your relationship, then like every other thing that is neglected, it wilts and it dies.

But people forget that and lose sight of it because when they first dated it came naturally and effortlessly. But once real life happened and there was more on the table, they forget that they now have to make much more of an effort to be with one another. They didn’t shift gears to realize they have to fight for their time to be intimate – and I don’t just mean physically (although that too). They never told their kids, “No, it’s Daddy and Mommy’s time” and didn’t do the same to their jobs, their blackberrys, their computers and every other important obligation that seemed more pressing than each other.

Because if you don’t fight for your relationship, if you don’t nurture it, if you fail to constantly monitor it, then like every other thing that is neglected, it wilts and it dies. Maybe not the first day or week or month or year, but eventually it will … ever so slowly.

A couple “grows apart” because they failed to put in the necessary care and time to ensure that they grow together and toward each other. And while every couple is guilty of this on some level, those who have an awareness of its danger have a chance at ensuring it doesn’t harm their relationship beyond repair.

So put down your iPhone, get away from the computer, tell your kids to get lost (in a nice way), forget Home Depot and go get your spouse, get a bottle of wine, have a drink, look her in the eye and recapture what you had when you first dated her so very long ago.

Rabbi Tzvi Nightingale is Director of Aish South Florida. Tzvi grew up in Toronto, Canada, home of the perennially losing Toronto Maple Leafs ice hockey team. He is a husband and contributing writer at Aish.com.

What People Don’t Tell You About Marriage

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Forget all the cliches, there are a few things about marriage that married folk don’t want you to know. But I am going to lift the veil and show you the truth about marriage.

1. Just because you increase from 1 income to 2 doesn’t mean you’re balling.

Unless you are Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman, chances are the minute you merged incomes you’re expenses increased. Why? Because you mistakenly have the mindset of “yea, we can buy it because on paper we make more money.” But guess what? It’s not so. And don’t even think about adding kids to the mix! Tip: Spend the first 3 years of marriage in a 2 bedroom apartment and live off 50-75% of your income and stash the rest in savings. For your first home, buy a duplex. Live in half and rent the other half. Stay there for 2 years. Then buy your dream house and rent out both sides of the duplex. Tada! You’ve just established generational wealth.

2. There will be times you want to bash your spouses head in.

There will literally be days where you will find yourself thinking, “if he/she doesn’t shut up talking to me I am going to Ike and Tina his/her ass.” At that moment it’s best to take a break. Go do something stupid and frivilous. Don’t actually knock the shit out of the person no matter how much you think they deserve it. That will get you locked up. So go get your nails done or your hair “did”. Do something away from your spouse until you calm down.

3. No one has the power to hurt you like your spouse.

When you got married you probably said “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.” But what you really said was “I am going to trust you with the innermost part of me. I will share my hopes, dreams, and future with you. All that I am and all that I ever will be is now tied to you. I trust you with me.” Pretty weighty stuff, huh? And because you gave yourself to another human being means that one day they will let you down. Why? Sometimes it will be out of malice. Sometimes out of a sheer mistake. Sometimes unwittingly. But because they are a fallible, then 1 day they will make a mistake. That doesn’t mean don’t give all of yourself to your spouse. But that means that if (when) an infraction occurs, you have to give pause and serious thought to if the damage is irreperable or not. Most infractions can be repaired through serious comminication, love, and prayer.

4. Prayer is essential to your marriage.

Before I got married I had a passing relationship with God. I mean we were cool. I’d talk to Him at dinner time and when I needed something, but we didn’t have a relationship. After I became a mother, all that changed. Now I wanted to be a church goer because I wanted my children to be raised in the church. God and I became closer. And after going through marriage trials I learned that I need God all day, every day. And my marriage and family need God all day every day. Believe me. Trust me. Increase your prayer life before something bad happens. It will save you from a lot of headaches.

5. Sex is important. (Yes, I just went from prayer to sex. It’s ok, you’re married.)

Sex is human touch and it’s important. Take it seriously and lightly at the same time. Huh? Taking is seriously means stepping your game up. Why? Let me use an example: I love pizza. But after eating pizza the same way, every day for 10 years. I would probably be fed up with pizza. Are you treating your sex life like the pizza? Same 30 minutes and 2.5 tricks. If so, start stepping your game up. Learn some new tricks. Invest in some lingerie, toys, hotel rooms, and a bit of PDA. Read a book or two on the subject. Keep it hot. Why? Because physical touch is important to rekindling love. But also keep it light. Sex should be fun, not a chore. So try the moves in the Joy of Sex and if you happen to fall of the bed while trying page 36, just laugh it off and jump back on.

6. Priorities change.

Sometimes you are activley pursuing your dreams, other times you are sacrificing for your spouse’s dreams, and at times you are both working to fulfill your child’s wishes. Priorities flucuate. And most of the time you are activily pursuing “D” all of the above. It’s exhausting, but necessary. You don’t want to ever lose sight of your dreams even if in this moment they are not on the forefront. Keep working on your personal development plan and support your spouse in their development. If not, you will breed resentment.


7. Keep being multifaceted.

Don’t fall prey to the “I’m a wife/husband now and that’s all that I can be.” Being a spouse is just 1 of your many titles. If you closed the club down every weekend, then you might not be able to do that anymore, but you could probably swing it once a month. If you played basketball every weekend with the fellas for 5 hours, you really might have to limit it to 2. But keep some sense of who you are. Be multifaceted. As long as your “facets” don’t disrespect your marriage, it’s ok to be authentically you.

BLAM Fam: Marriage is haaard work but it is well worth the effort. The more prepared we are for what marriage really is the better off we will be. What are some other things people don’t tell you about marriage?

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

I Have To Holla At My Man

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By Lana Moline

Tonight at about 9:15pm, long after the kids are asleep and we’ve both showered, I’m going to holla at my man. It’s been a minute since we’ve had one of these talks and I just can’t wait any longer. With all the running, working and responsibilities of life maybe I neglected to put this bug in his ear. Don’t get me wrong I tell him “I love you” every day and kiss him good morning and good night but this is something that I just haven’t said. It’s sort of an announcement or a declaration if you will. Tonight, I’m going to tell him just how much I miss my boyfriend.

My boyfriend used to send me text messages telling me how nice I look in my jeans and whisper things that still makes me blush while driving home at speeds that I am grateful no cops witnessed. He used to reassure me every day that I am the woman of his dreams and that nothing or no one is more important than me. He wasn’t afraid to be goofy or vulnerable, all in the name of love. He would sing “My Girl” with all the moves and spin and even attempt to drop down on one knee just to see me smile. I don’t know where he went but today I’ve got to get him back.

His timbs and nikes have been replaced with loafers and dress shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I love a man in a suit but there is nothing like a brother spitting game all donned in gear that says “I’m fresh off the b-ball court with like mike dreams.” Tickets to the games are replaced by business meetings filled with people with dollar signs in their eyes. No more rap sessions, house parties or get-togethers on the weekends, that’s the time to organize and plan for next week.

So when I holla at him I will not prepare a PowerPoint or pie chart. I will not give him statistics or websites that support my claim. I’m simply going to look him in the eye and tell him that I know his time is limited but I have 3 points I want him to know. I miss having fun and laughing until my side hurts. I miss the look he used to give me from across the room even if we were in church and I still want him – tonight!

Lana Moline is a freelance writer and poet who lives in Fort Worth with her husband and three kids. She has been married 11 years and understands that marriage truly is a journey that is sometimes complicated by our own thoughts, perceptions and feelings. Visit her at her blog LanaSuccess4Kids.

Women…What Do You Think Contributes To Marriage Stability?

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By Thesigan Nadarajan

It is the hope of the author that this article will be of theoretical and practical use to the readers (especially those who are married) to understand that marriage stability is not only possible but attainable. However, it requires couples to work together as partners to make their marriage a stable and life-long experience. Stable marriages are not made in heaven but are developed here on earth with passion, intimacy and decision for commitment.

What is marital stability?

Marital stability is not the absence of marital problems but the presence of passion, intimacy, and commitment that keeps the marriage intact until its dissolution through natural causes like death of one of the spouses (Sternberg, 1986). It is to be noted on the onset that the principles in this article are applicable to men also. The description of marriage stability lists three vital components for marital stability namely passion, intimacy and decision for commitment. Let’s examine them one by one.

Three Components to Marital Stability

Passion

Passion: physical attraction.

The component of passion includes physical attractions, romance, and sexual satisfactions. What attracts a man to a woman like a honey bird to honey? What is the honey in women? The answer is simple. Physical attractions! Physical attractions are subjective and can range from attractions to body parts (shapely torso, big breasts, and rounded buttocks) to other criterias like foxy facials, angelic smile, and fragranced body smells.  Physical attractions draws even the most dreamy and listless men into complete attention. Even in collective societies that practices arranged marriages, physical attraction is one of the criterias for bride selection.

This is supported by empirical research that says that attractive women are perceived “as more occupationally and interpersonally competent, better adjusted, and more socially appealing” (Dion, Berscheid, & Walster, 1972). Attractive women do also receive differential treatment such as “more attention, cooperation, and help and tend to have more positive interactions” (Langlois et al., 2000). So attractive women are not only perceived in a positive light but given preferential treatments. So marital stability is guaranteed to all attractive women, is this so? If it was so, the gossip blogs won’t be carrying the latest separation and divorce news among the beautiful people (women and men). In other words, physical attraction alone does not guarantee marriage stability. Physical attractions only draw the potential mates to the next experience.

Passion: romance.

Romance can be conceptualized as a form of attachment between two persons that comprises qualities like “intense fascination with the other person, distress at separation, and efforts to stay close and spend time together” with possible sexual contact (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

To analyze a romantic couple, ask the following questions: 1) Are they fascinated with each other? 2) Are the distressed at even short separations? 3) Do they make efforts to stay close and spend time together? 4) Do they have sex (optional)? Even if the answers to these four questions are positive by three, than what you have is romance in full blossom.

As a woman who is married, besides being physically attractive (not compulsory), are you in a romantic relationship or experience with your husband? If the answer is yes, than your marriage still has passion in it. If no, than the answer to the next question would determine whether passion is completely dead in your marriage.

Passion: sexual satisfactions.

Do you have sex frequently? If the answer is no and at the same time you don’t have a romantic relationship, the passion in your marriage is dead. Which means your marriage is headed for problems. It must be remembered that couples who are physically unable to have sex (due to age or sickness) still can have a romantic relationship in their marriage. It is only when even romance is absent in a marriage that marital problems develops.

Do you enjoy having sex? If the answer is yes, then your sexual cognition is healthy. But let’s say in the absence of physical discomfort, pain or physiological restrictions, you do not enjoy sex – the chances are, you are suffering from cognitive distortions. A cognitive distortion (erroneous thinking or perception) affects decision making and behaviours. Let’s say your cognitive distortions perceives the enjoyment of sex as not spiritual, you might be having a religious cognitive distortion. Let’s say your cognitive distortions perceive that a committed marriage does not need sex to sustain it, you might be suffering from severe puritanical misconceptions. Whatever your cognitive distortions, you must understand that the enjoyment of sex in a normal couple is natural and healthy. Any suppression or prohibition to sexual satisfaction will lead to marriage instability (Young, Luquis, Denny, & Young, 1998).

Do you experiment while having sex? If the answer is yes, that indicates that you are enjoying your sexual experiences. If the answer is no, than chances are you are suffering from sexual prejudices. As with all prejudices, sexual prejudices are negative attitudes developed from negative beliefs and values.  When you are confronted with questions like, can we have oral or anal sex? Can we make love on an open beach? If you’re immediate and automatic answer is a no, than there is a need to explore your core sexual beliefs and values. The reason is your core sexual beliefs and values can be in conflict with your spouse. What if your spouse is open to experimentations and you are not, will you at least be open to examine your differences to arrive at a collaborative arrangement? If the answer is yes than the problems of sexual dissatisfactions may not arise. If the answer no than it is highly probable that sexual dissatisfaction will arise. Any unresolved sexual dissatisfactions in a normal couple affects the passion in their marriage. By the way there is no taboo in a mutually consented sexual relationship of lovers or married partners.

Intimacy

As an attractive (not compulsory) woman whose marriage is passionate, you will experience a feeling of closeness, connectedness and bondedness. What do these feelings mean?

Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.

Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in marriage are not just feelings of physical proximity but are psychological feelings. Let’s assume that your husband travels abroad frequently which means you experience frequent physical separations. But does that mean you experience a psychological separation also? Yes, if you had not used previous times when he was present by your side in an atmosphere of intimacy.

If while he is around, you had been spending intimate time with him, two things would happen. First, your husband and you would be so primed by each other’s closeness, connectedness, and bondedness that you will be in each other’s minds and feelings even when you are physically separated. This priming would cause you both to anticipate for each other. This is how you develop psychological proximity priming that remains even in physical separation. If while he was by your side, you prioritized the precious time on all other matters except spending intimate time with your spouse, than there will be no development of psychological proximity priming that creates an anticipation for each other.

If stated crudely, an intimately primed husband wants to return for more intimacy, while an intimacy starved husband will not be in a hurry to return as there is nothing to look forward in returning. These techniques have been both knowingly and unknowingly employed by mistresses to keep their men returning to them. In responding intimately to their men, mistresses create the following psychological feelings in them: 1) Feelings of being valued and highly regarded, 2) Feelings of being cared for, 3) Feelings of mutual sharing including time, attention, love and sexual satisfaction, 4) Feelings of receiving understanding and emotional support, and lastly, 5) Feelings of being listen to in anything they have to disclose without the fear of betrayal. Now, these feelings projected by mistresses and perceived by their men can be real or an illusion. But the feelings (1-5) are that any close, connected, and bonded relationship should have in order for it to be intimate. In short, psychological closeness, connectedness, and bondedness involve feelings of intimacy and not just sexual satisfaction only.

If wives after and in marriage behave like mistresses, the actual mistresses will be losing out to the wives. It is because wives lose their intimacy and become mere wives (without feelings of intimacy) that husbands look for mistresses who seems to fill the intimacy vacuum. So if before marriage you were a lover, it would be in your interest to continue to be a lover first and then a wife.  This is the first ingredient to having feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness

Decision for Commitment

A passionate and intimate relationship leads to the decision for commitment in marriage. What does the decision for commitment in marriage means? There are two stages in the decision for commitment in marriage. The first is when a couple deliberately and consciously decide independently and together to build a marital relationship. This is the intention stage. The second is when the couple deliberately and consciously decides to maintain the marital relationship and endure any hardships, obstacles or problems that they may encounter to make the marriage last. This is the commitment stage.

So if as a woman you want a stable marriage that lasts a life-time, work with your partner to develop passion, intimacy and the decision for commitment in marriage. Be a passionate, intimate and a committed lover first and wife second. You will realize that your stable marriage is developed by you and your spouse here and now on earth, while waiting to go to heaven later.

Self-Report Questionnaire

The author would like to conclude by leaving this self-report questionnaire for the reader’s assessment of themselves and for reflecting upon their own answers.

1.  Do you want a stable marriage that lasts a life-time?

2.   Do you believe that marriages are developed on earth and not made in heaven?

3.  Do you accept that the principles in this article are for both wife and husband?

4.  Do you believe in physical attraction?

5.  Do you want romance?

6.  Do you have and give sexual satisfaction?

7.  Do you have sexual taboos?

8.  Do you practice a passionate relationship?

9.  Do you value and highly regard your spouse?

10.  Do you care for your spouse?

11.  Do you mutually share time, attention, love and sexual satisfaction with your spouse?

12.  Do you understand and emotionally support your spouse?

13.  Do you listen to anything your spouses have to disclose without betraying him /her?

14.  Do you practice an intimate relationship?

15.  Did you deliberately and consciously decide both independently and together with your spouse to build your marital relationship?

16.  Did you deliberately and consciously decide to maintain your marital relationship and endure any hardships, obstacles or problems that you may encounter to make your marriage last?

17.  Are you ready for passion, intimacy and decision for commitment in your marriage?

REFERENCE

Dion, K. K., Berscheid, E., & Walster, E. (1972). What is beautiful is good. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 24, 285–290.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1990). Love and work: An attachment- theoretical perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 270-280.

Langlois, J. H., Kalakanis, L., Rubenstein, A. J., Larson, A., Hallam, M., & Smoot, M. (2000). Maxims or myths of beauty?: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 126, 390–423.

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A Triangular Theory of Love. Psychological Review, 1986, Vol. 93, No. 2, 119-135.

Young, M., Luquis, R., Denny, G., & Young, T. (1998). Correlates of sexual satisfaction in marriage. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 7, 115–128.

Thesigan Nadarajan is a counseling psychologist. He is available for consultation and training. He can be reached at thesigannadarajan@gmail.com

Are You Addicted To Love? 5 Tips To Break Free From Toxic Relationship Patterns

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Jim Hall, M.A

Owning up

To start, it is necessary to understand and acknowledge that there are common patterns in love-addicted relationships. Why?  Because you cannot change what you won’t acknowledge. So, let’s get started.

Some patterns of love addiction:

  • falling in love too quickly in relationships
  • ignoring unhealthy behaviors of one’s partner
  • trying to control our partner’s behavior so that we feel comfortable
  • allowing our partner’s mood to bring us down
  • having unrealistic expectations that a romantic relationship will fill ‘all’ your needs and wants
  • and trying to ‘fix’ whatever problem arises in our partner’s life instead of allowing them to fix it themselves.

When we succumb to these inappropriate and harmful behaviors and choices, we lose the connection to ourselves by handing our power over to another. In a love-addicted situation, these toxic behavioral patterns become the foundation of a relationship and develop into comfortable, yet unhealthy patterns.

Emotional Maturity

Our emotional maturity dictates our ability to manage and monitor our emotions and to determine the emotional state of others. A high degree of emotional maturity allows us to think before we act, take responsibility for our lives and actions, and respect the independence of others. When emotional maturity is present communication barriers in relationships and unhealthy behavioral patterns can be defeated.

Healthy Boundary-Setting

Healthy boundaries allow us to protect and take care of ourselves. We must recognize when we are being disrespected, then communicate clearly that our boundaries are being infringed upon. We have a right to protect and defend ourselves, and are obligated to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. With healthy boundaries, we will not allow another’s dysfunctions and insecurities to rule our actions and behaviors. We can learn to recognize where and how we can help in ways that will empower ourselves and those around us.

Self-Identity

When we are self-aware, we have the ability to change in positive ways. We can see which things we need to work on, in ourselves and in our relationships. Through this self-identity, we learn how to be interdependent or mutually dependent. There is a balance to the relationship, where each person depends on each other in fair and healthy ways. With interdependence, we consciously become aware and our self-worth is no longer dependent on outside influence and validation.

Willingness to Change

Changing our relationship with ourselves is essential to accomplishing any permanent changes in our relationships with others. Obtaining healthy interdependence allows us to see the truth in ourselves, others, and situations. Most love addicts come from a childhood with similar family dynamics. We need to work on ourselves — healing childhood trauma, past abandonment, and adjusting our ‘carried childhood coping mechanisms,’ so that we don’t continue with the patterns in relationships that are comfortable but destructive.

As we become honest with ourselves and develop healthy self-esteem, we become interdependent, without misguided beliefs that others choices and behaviors determine our self-worth. We can then seek to understand others in our lives, based on this solid internal and spiritual foundation. Through this state of being, healthy relationships are formed — where two whole individuals support each other and share their life together in a way that allows each to truly, and independently, shine.

Jim Hall, M.A., is a  highly dedicated Love Addiction Specialist and founder of www.loveaddictionhelp.com, a cutting-edge site for the love-addicted who want to break free from unhealthy-toxic relationship cycels. Jim combines his skills, professional insight, and profound personal transformational  experience, to provide a unique advantage to love addicts who want to recover and achieve enhanced changes and resolve in their own lives.

Ladies, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF…

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By Aiyana Ma’at

Far too often it is believed that women, generally speaking, are ready to be married, understand what marriage is all about, and have some sort of special insight when it comes to love, relationships, and…..marriage. Well, I’m here today to clear up that erroneous notion. In the work that I do with my husband coaching & counseling and teaching relationship education classes, I see just as many women who have absolutely no idea what marriage is all about—-none. So, after my husband wrote his piece titled Gentleman, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF… , we received a flood of emails saying “Ok, so what’s up with the ladies?!” Good question.

So, here’s your answer…Ladies, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF…

1. …you have a thousand and one things to say, think about, and contemplate when talking about your wedding and are pretty much deaf, dumb, & mute when it comes to talking about your marriage.

I remember asking a sister friend when she and her hubby to be were going to be starting their pre-marital counseling. This dummy (…yup Dummy, and I’m saying it in love…lol.) who truly knew better is gon’ say: “Girrrl, planning for the wedding is taking up all my free time! It’s crazy. We decided we’ll get around to it after the wedding and all the hoop-la dies down.” Seriously? Get your priorities in check girlfriend. Some things should just naturally take precedence and pre-marital counseling is a  non-negotiable necessity. Planning a wedding is exciting and all consuming—I get it. But, if all you can find time for is the color of the table linen and whether you should have salmon or trout I hate to break it to you but YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

2. …you’re consciously or subconsciously looking for a “father figure” to fill up the hole left in your heart by the Daddy who was absent from your life emotionally or physically as a young child.

When you have unfinished business in your heart and mind that hasn’t been attended to, it has a way of coloring every thing, place, and person you come into contact with. There are a lot of women dating truly good men and yet they don’t know it. They complain, criticize, and penalize men for any and everything they do that doesn’t meet their exact expectations. Why? Because, they are mad as hell. Mad at who though? You guessed it—-their Daddy who didn’t do his job. So, it doesn’t really matter what a man does—it will never be enough and for that my dear YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED

3. …you the boss, you running things, and “you ain’t having it!” (whatever “it” is”)

Look, I will keep it real with ya’ll. I am a leader. I can be bossy. I am quick to have an opinion and can truly be a self-centered pain in the a*! I’m a Leo. #NuffSaid 😉 But, after having been in relationship with the same man for almost 17 years what I have learned & know for absolute sure is this: There is only room for 1 man up in here. Seriously, so many times, we women (especially us “modern, I got my own, I’m doing me” sistas) sabotage our men’s ability to be men. Men, especially black men, want and need to be and feel respected, respected, and oh, did I say respected? If the thought of compromising, deferring, and taking someone else’s perspective into consideration makes you feel ill YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

4. …you think sex is a desire and not a need, an option and not a requirement in marriage.

Yes, sex is a requirement of marriage. If you have issues around sex—fine. If you just simply have a low libido—-fine. If you are  really particular about how and when it happens—fine. My question to you is this: Are you willing to press through your limitations and inhibitions so that you can meet the needs of someone  other than yourself? If there is *dead silence*  and a *blank stare” right now YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

5. …you don’t know what your needs and expectations are let alone how to communicate them to someone else.

When I counsel women who are struggling in their marriages I start by asking two questions: #1 What’s wrong, in other words, what’s not working? And, of course, I get a laundry list of all of the things that are failing in their relationship, all the things their husband is doing and not doing to make their marriage a mess. I literally have to cut them off….like, ok, I get the point. But, then I ask the second question: What do you need from hubby, yourself, the world, etc. to make it work? Nine times out of 10—and I’m not exaggerating—there is silence followed by a whisper…”I don’t know”. Before you commit your life to another make it your business to know what your needs and expectations are! For those who can be honest & say I really don’t know at this point in my life YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

6. …you know deep down inside that the relationship you’re in is not fulfilling, compatible, or fun but you’re getting older and you’re afraid you won’t find anyone better.

Where’s your faith? Do you know that what is for you really is for you? There’s nothing worse than waking up one morning after 1,3, 5, 10, or 20 years of marriage and looking over at your spouse and saying out loud “My God, what have I done?” You will save yourself from far more heartache and pain waiting for your King than to get hitched to someone out of fear of being alone. So, if you’re in the middle of planning your wedding right now, yeah YOU, and you know the shoe fits you should consider this Divine Intervention because there’s something you really need to know…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

7. 99.9% of your self esteem comes from “the idea of” being married, having kids, raising a family, etc.

Look, I’m a wife and a mom, and as open minded as I tend to be in a lot of things—I’ve got a very traditional side to me. I love being a wife and a mommy. I love the thought of it and what I think it represents to the world. I love having a husband to protect and provide for me. I love cooking for him, my family, and I even like the term “wifely duties”. Lol. But, at the end of the day when all is said and done I look to none of those things to derive my self esteem. “I am” because God says “I am”. I’m good enough just because I exist. I love my family to death but they couldn’t give me that kind of deep abiding self worth if they tried. Only my relationship and identification with The Most High does that for me. Whew! #ImBoutToShoutUpInHere  So, if there still remains a boat load of work left for you to do on your sense of self please hear me when I say YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

8. you’re doing it because everybody else is doing it.

Really, though? Monkey see, Monkey do?  So, not only are you not ready to get married but you also ain’t ready to drive a car, own a puppy, watch R rated movies….you get the point. Stop doing stuff just because other people are doing it. You have a whole loT of work to do. So, grow the hell up already and make sure to write this down copy cat: YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

9. your girls, your mama, your cousins and nem’ are the highest priority in your life and you don’t see a darn thing wrong with that at all.

Look, leave and cleave isn’t just for the menfolk. It applies to you too. If you think you might go insane if you can’t tell your family every little thing that happens in your marriage you ain’t ready. If your knees start shakin at the thought of having to politely but firmly set down some “new rules and boundaries” with family after you get married (i.e., they can’t just pop up over the house  anymore like they used to!) YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

10. YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!!!

I kid you not. I have known quite a few women who have separated from their spouses, started new relationships, say they are in love and that the new guy is “so different” This all happens so fast that they barely have enough time to get a dag on divorce. They find themselves planning a new wedding (not marriage) while in the middle of going through the divorce process. S.M.D.H Do I really need to say it? Do I? Allright, say it with me: YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.

PRESS RELEASE: BlackLoveAndMarriage.com Opens Registration To Fall Online Couples & Singles Relationship Education Classes

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B Intentional, LLC, a marriage and relationship education company aimed specifically at impacting African Americans & people of color via original web video content, multi-media platforms and licensed therapeutic professional services, is pleased to announce the opening of registration for their fall online couples & singles classes. http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com, the company’s website & blog offers free and paid services in an effort to combat the African American community’s increasingly alarming dysfunctional relationship and divorce rates.

Washington, DC September 14, 2011— For Immediate Release

Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at, co-founders and owners of B Intentional, LLC, officially open the doors to registration for their live interactive online couples and singles classes Wednesday, Sep. 14, 2011. Classes begin the week of October 24, 2011 and last for 4 weeks. The online class titled “Grow where you need to grow to go where you want to go” is the company’s signature course for couples. This class is for couples who are dating, engaged, or married and in a committed relationship. “How to avoid falling for a jerk/jerkette” is also offered for singles. The classes can be accessed anywhere there is a computer and an internet connection. “People come together weekly to share, learn, grow, and elevate themselves & their relationships to the next level. But, instead of fighting traffic, arranging childcare, and wearing themselves out to make it on time—they will sit back, relax, and do it from the comfort of their own home” says co-founder Aiyana Ma’at.

The African American community has the lowest marriage rate in America and the highest out of wedlock childbirth rate. On top of these deeply troubling numbers, the Census Bureau figures released in May 2011 show that while everyone else’s divorce rate went down, Black women between the ages of 50-59 were more likely to divorce. In addition African Americans divorce rate went up to 48% and black women have the highest chance of their first marriage ending within 10 years, at 47%. With statistics like these, it is clear that the work of  B Intentional is a much needed resource in the community.

BlackLoveandMarriage.com has been in existence since March 2010 and has experienced tremendous growth in record time. The company has been able to take advantage of various social media platforms to get the word out about the work that they do and the unique way in which they do it. B Intentional continues to prove their commitment to transforming the image and quality of relationships in the African-American community and the nation with their newly released classes. “What I love about the Ma’at’s is their ability to use their clinical and professional insight combined with the realness of their own relationship to inspire change in people” says Carolyn Thompson, clinical psychologist and past participant in their couples class. As not only business partners, but also as husband & wife , Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at, know full well the challenges couples are struggling with in this day and age. They are using the continuous advances in technology along with their their growing platform in the online space to transform couples and families one person at a time.

Fall classes are being offered Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at 9pm. Persons interested in learning more about the upcoming classes can visit http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/black-marriage-services-take-a-class/singles-couples-online-relationship-classes-faq-register/ or contact B Intentional, LLC at 202-599-0234 for more information.