Who Should Pay For The Date?

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By Rick Nauert, Ph.D.

The question of who should pay for dates during courtship — and how couples actually go about splitting expenses — is the topic of a new study presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association.

“The motivation for the study was to understand why some gendered practices are more resistant to change than others; for example, the acceptance of women in the workplace versus holding onto traditional notions of chivalry,” said Chapman University’s David Frederick, a coauthor.

Convention holds that on a date, the man pays, whereas gender equality — seemingly more prevalent in today’s world — would suggest that couples should split entertainment expenses.

Using survery data from more than 17,000 individuals, researchers examined the extent to which people embrace or reject these competing notions after nearly 50 years of feminism.

Currently, most marriages in the U.S. (8 in 10) are based on sharing the breadwinner’s burden, so one question was whether that role is shared prior to marriage and, if so, how early in the dating process.

Study results suggest that the convention persists, with most men (84 percent) and women (58 percent) reporting that men pay for most expenses, even after dating for a while.

However, over half (57 percent) of women claim they offer to help pay, but many women (39 percent) confessed they hope men would reject their offers to pay, and 44 percent of women were bothered when men expected women to help pay.

Nevertheless, nearly two-thirds (64 percent) of men believed that women should contribute to dating expenses, and many feel strongly about that: Nearly half of men (44 percent) said they would stop dating a woman who never pays.

A large majority of men (76 percent), however, reported feeling guilty accepting women’s money.

CLICK HERE to read more.

LisaRaye Talks About Her Decision To “Try” Celibacy

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At some point in our lives we all desire intimacy.  Not just physical intimacy…but mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.  It’s a true knowing that we are connected, wanted, needed, and loved that we are looking for.  This type of intimacy transcends physical touch.  So it’s no surprise to us that LisaRaye has decided to do something different in an attempt to experience deeply abiding intimacy.  She says, “I really want to know what it feels like to be touched by someone with a mental touch and not a physical touch”.

She shares with cocoafab.com

“I’m in a new place. I’ve tried everything but celibacy, and I really want to know what it feels like to be touched by someone with a mental touch and not a physical touch,” she shares. “I want to know what it is to build the foundation of the friendship for real, to have my best friend and not because we’re just intimate, but because we’re mentally intimate. So I’m waiting for that person to come into my life. And when I get myself together, I know God is gonna bless me with that, because I don’t want to come with extra baggage. I’ll come with some, but it’s not fair to him to come with a whole bunch.”

“When men meet me, they’re in awe of the image. I’m so turned off by that. Automatically I’m like, ‘Boy move.’ You know what I mean? Baby, bye. Because now you’re not gonna give me a real chance because you’re like, ‘You do look good in person.’ It’s like, ‘OK. How many times can I say thank you? But you don’t know I can be a great friend? You don’t know I can cook. You don’t know that I’m a nurturer. You don’t know that I prefer to stay at home and watch a movie and pop my own popcorn.

She added:

So I want someone to know me, to learn me. I want to start dating the man that I’m gonna marry. I want to start having some fun with someone that I know I’m gonna be with. I don’t play any games. I’m too old for that. I’ve been there, I’ve been around the block. I’m cultured, I’ve done a lot of things. I’m famous. I have money. I am polished, you know what I mean? I am a woman and I need a man, not a boy. I don’t want to be a teacher. I’m not trying to be your mother, I want to be your significant other.”

CLICK HERE to read more.

BlackLoveAndMarriage.com Voted In Top 10 Of Best Dating Sites For African Americans

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By Aiyana Ma’at

Oh me! Oh my! (In my fake little dainty voice) Whaddya know?! BlackLoveAndMarriage.com has been voted into the Top 10 of Best African American Dating Sites!

Wow! We’re so honored. Really?! You shouldn’t have! We’re a little geeked over here…or sised….you get it! Thanks to all who had anything to do with the decision and we want to send out a big shout out and congrats to all of the other sites who made the Top 10 list too!

CHECK OUT THE FULL LIST HERE!

Stop Playin. Start Pushing.

Ayize & Aiyana Ma'at

Is It Better To Get Married…or Shack Up?

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By Ellis Moore

Many more American women are living with their partners rather than tying the knot, a new government survey finds.

In addition, they live together longer than couples in the recent past, and many more get pregnant before marriage, according to the survey released Thursday by the National Center for Health Statistics, which is part of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Nearly half of women aged 15 to 44 years old “cohabited” outside of marriage between 2006 and 2010, compared with 43 percent in 2002 and 34 percent in 1995. The report is based on in-person interviews with more than 12,000 women in that age group.

One reason more people are living together is a well-documented delay in the age at which people are marrying, said study lead author Casey Copen, a demographer with the National Center for Health Statistics.

“Cohabiting couples may be waiting for improved financial stability before they make a decision to marry and, in the process, become pregnant and have a baby,” she said. “As you cohabit longer, there’s more of a chance to become pregnant.”

Many of these arrangements occur at a young age, with one-quarter of women cohabiting by age 20 and three-quarters saying they had lived with a partner by age 30.

During the first year of living together, nearly 20 percent became pregnant and went on to give birth, according to the report.

Along with this trend, fewer women reported getting married in the period from 2006 to 2010 than in either 2002 or 1995 (23 percent, 30 percent and 39 percent, respectively). Of those who became pregnant the first year, 19 percent got married within six months of the pregnancy, versus 32 percent in 1995.

Education and income play a role in how long women cohabit and whether they get pregnant or marry, Copen said.

“Those who have less than a high school degree are cohabiting for longer periods of time,” Copen said. “Women who have a bachelor’s degree or higher are more likely to move into marriage.”

CLICK HERE to read more.

How To Be In Relationship While Having A Career

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By Leslie C. Bell, Ph.D.

Earlier this month I wrote about how to handle multiple desires – for career success and relationships, for independence and someone to count on. But how do you start to work on relationships when you’ve been busy avoiding them?

The first step is to invest in relationships you already have. With friends, mentors, and family members who see you as a complex and nuanced person, who don’t just see one side of you. Who ask you questions about your desires and assumptions.

You can also challenge yourself when you find yourself denigrating/putting down the impulses, wishes, and pleasures that come with relationships – to care and be cared for, to need and be needed, to be mutually vulnerable with someone.

Engage your friends in honest conversation about how much they feel they’re getting what they want from relationships and career. How they’re handling building careers at the same time as a relationship.

Seek out older women you admire and ask them about the dilemmas you’re wrestling with – if they give you pat answers, challenge them and ask them how they really wrestled with these complex choices and opportunities. Too often people speak to 20-something women in a condescending way – “oh you’ll figure it out, we all do” or in a myopically glorified way “oh I loved dating in my 20’s – it was so fun!” Neither of these responses is helpful, or particularly reflective of the reality of 20-something life.

When you do find yourself in a romantic relationship, be honest and straightforward about your career ambitions AND allow yourself to be vulnerable and not always in control. I know it feels risky to do so. But it’s as important to take risks in your personal life as it is in your professional one.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Are Long Distance Relationships Better?

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By Rick Nauert Ph.D.

New research published in the Journal of Communication suggests that people in long-distance relationships often have stronger bonds from more constant, and deeper, communication than normal relationships.

The belief is that geographical distance mobilizes parties to engage in deeper, more satisfying communication.

Communications researchers Drs. Crystal Jiang, City University of Hong Kong and Jeffrey Hancock, Cornell University, asked dating couples in long-distance and geographically close relationships to report their daily interactions over different media: face-to-face, phone calls, video chat, texting, instant messenger, and email.

Over a week, they reported to what extent they shared about themselves and experienced intimacy, and to what extent they felt their partners did the same thing.

When comparing the two types of relationships, Jiang and Hancock found that long-distance couples felt more intimate to each other, and this greater intimacy is driven by two tendencies: long-distance couples disclosed themselves more, and they idealized their partners’ behaviors.

Interestingly, these two tendencies become more pronounced when couples communicated in text-based, asynchronous and mobile media because they made more efforts to overcome the media constraints.

Long-distance relationships have been unexplored for years. One of the reasons is that the general public believes they are rare and not normal.

Previous studies have focused on how couples cope with problems, such as jealousy and stress, but until recently, several studies have shown that long-distance relationships are not always problematic.

Some surveys even indicate that long-distance couples have equal or better relationship qualities than geographically close couples.

 CLICK HERE to read more.

I’m 24 And My Boyfriend Is 47….HELP!!!

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We received a question from a young lady where she was inquiring about the pros and cons of being in relationship with an older man.  She’s 24 and he’s 47.  Check out this video and let us know what you think.  Are you in a relationship with an older man?  Do you know people who are?  Share your thoughts and let’s help this sista out.

I’m Attracted To My Girlfriend’s Son BUT I Don’t Know If He’s Attracted To Me

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VIDEO:  Hi, here’s my situation. I met my friend who’s like a mother to me son recently. Ok I really didnt see it as a set up because I was trying to stay out of the” I THINK EVERY MAN I MEET IS MY HUSBAND” area. So we were introduced and it went well. I was nervous about our conversation but he held it, so that was a plus. He walked me and his mom to the  car, his mom first I wasn’t going to just stand there so I started to walk to mine and he caught me, asked if he could have my number and if he could call me I said Yea gave him the number; he told me to call him fwhen i got home so i did. So he was leaving the next day for the service, so I was not expecting him to call me right away because I knew he had to get settled. So I was like Lord imma just trust you in this and PRAY!  Making sure he was in the for front of it all. So while waiting it was nerve wrecking after days then weeks ewent by. His mom would talk to him and asked if he talked to me he would say no he’s been really busy. I knew that so I wasn’t tripping. So two weeks later he text that he’s been really busy,sorry he hasn’t called and that he would call me soon; then two days later he called conversation went well again. Nothing heavy real basic but GOOD!! We talked about God, asked how old our children were(now he put all our children ages together) I DIDN’T!!! “ALL TOGETHER WE HAVE ABCD” I was like DID I JUST HEAR RIGHT! LORD!! So we went on joked around, and he asked AGAIN if he could call me. I said Yeah we hung up. Now we are friends on FB we have only one convo on there him posting, me commenting and him responding. HE HASN’T CALLED ME BACK!!!!!! NOW ON FB HE POSTED HE WAS SICK I. BELIEVE HIM!! SO HE TEXT ME THE NEXT DAY MERRY CHRISTMAS. I SAID MERRY CHRISTMAS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT AND WHY HE DIDN’T CALL ME BACK!!! NOW I FIRMLY BELIEVE IN PROVERB 18:22 HE ISSUPPOSE TO SEEK ME OUT!!!  SO IM LIKE WHY DIDNT HE CALL ME BACK. WHT DID I DO, IS HE NOTINTERESTED,
HE HAS A PAST. HE’S BEEN MARRIED BEFORE AND I CLEARLY KNOW WHT IT SAYS ABOUT DIVORCE AND WHAT MAKES YOU FREE TO MARRY AGAIN, I HAVE PRAYED LORD KEEP ME, AND IF HE’S NOT FREE, I GOTTA LET IT GO.OK IT’S BEEN A MONTH NOW STILL HASN’T CALLED BACK IT SEEMED WE WERE STARTED OFF WELL.
WHY DIDN’T HE CALL BACK AND STILL HAVEN’T!!! I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO TEXT HIM TO SEE IF HEWOULD RESPOND AFRAID OF CALLING BECAUSE WE MIGHT STALL!!! BUT I CAN NEVER BRING MYSELF TO DOING IT BECAUSE IF HE WAS INTERESTED HE WOULD CALL ME, HE SUPPOSED TO SEEK ME OUT, DON’T WANNA LOOK DESPERATE, IT’S LIKE LOWERING MY STANDARDS, IF HE WANTED TO TALK ORINTERESTED HE WOULD CALL, THIS IS WHAT I AM THINKING AND SAYING TO MYSELF!!! NOW IT’S BEEN A MONTH AND I SUPPOSE TO GO VISIT HIS MOM WHEN SHE GOES TO HELP WITH THE CHILDREN.  SHOULD I CALL ORR TEXT OR HE JUST NOT INTERESTED OR WHAT’S GOING ON WHY HE DIDN’T CALL BACK AFTERHE ASKED TO????? I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THIS I PRAY YOU DO BECAUSE I NEED SOME REAL ADVICE!!! IF YOU CAN PLEASE CALL THAT WAY YOU CAN HEAR ME ANFD THE STORY BETTER. THANKS TRULY FOR YOUR TIME AND LISTENING, GOD BLESS

You Are Picking Poisonous Relationships Because You Are In Pain

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By Ayize Ma’at

Ladies and Gentelmen,

You are picking poisonous relationships because you are in pain.

I can hear you now…”What you tryin’ to say…  It’s my fault that I’m getting fucked over by my man or woman?”.  No.  I am not saying it’s your fault, however what I am saying is that we get caught up in patterns of habitual behaviors or pathologies based on past experiences that have an impact on who we select as partners and behaviors we allow in our relationships.  Oftentimes because we’ve experienced pain, we heavily identify with the pain as a coping mechanism to maintain some sense of “sanity”.  Unfortunately, because we’ve become so immersed IN and enmeshed WITH the pain….that’s all we know and we choose people who reflect back to us what we’ve grown to know and be comfortable with.

Stop Playing.  Start Pushing.

CLICK HERE for COUPLES or INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING/COACHING with AYIZE & AIYANA MA’AT

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT.

Should I Allow My Unemployed Man To Move In With Me Before We Get Married?

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VIDEO:  Hi! I need some perspective from a loving married Black couple. I watch your advice videos and love the messages you put out there and the positivity. My question is , I’m newly engaged as of last month 🙂 and my fiance lost his job the same week. This is the 2nd time since I’ve known him he’s lost his job due to the recesion. (lay offs) He was out of work for a few months and found a job and now got laid off from this new job. His savings is almost run out and he said he may need to stay with me if he can’t get a job soon. (He has said he has no debt (just the cost of my engagement ring) has always paid his rent and ongoing monthly bills timely to date) To give a little backstory-We met last summer 2010 and started as friends first. By Spring2011 our friendship developed into a full blown relationship with marriage potential. We are equally yoked in our faith, values and overall goals of family etc. I’m 33 and he’s 44.  He’s  a godly man, my friend and love, quiet  & simple guy.  I’ve never married & quite old fashioned and he’s divorced no kids (the ex cheated on him) My concern is seeing how we just got engaged and planned on marrying end of the year (Dec) in a small family only ceremony (elopement). All this change is overwhelming to begin with (singledom to marriage) but also, I’m really concerned about entering marriage if I’m the sole provider. We have had discussions of our perceptions of what a mans role and a woman’s role is. He has said, he is to provide and share with the house hold with the wife. I talked with my fiancee and expressed to him , to me,  it’s important he have a job before we enter marriage. We agree our household will be dual income . His response was , “if we were already married would you kick me out? I said of course not, I’d hold things down until you found work. “To him he doesn’t see the difference. However to me it’s different. Like going to the Olympics. You want to train and be at your optimium potential/performance level to play the game. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I’m a practical person and Love him too but don’t want to be a fool. He did express of course he would never mooch off me and contribute in other ways, like groceries, cleaning, cooking etc. ( He has demonstrated this- I’ve seen it)  Also , he just started with very small investing that’s another way to potentially make income. (That’s his plan B) My parents don’t know about his job situation but are very observant. They are always mentioning to me and expressing their concern about me marrying my fiancee” can he provide, can he provide for you. You’ve always held it down for the family, but you should be taken care of and provided for”. I’m feeling so overwhelmed. 🙁  I know marriage is a huge step and nothing changes. I wouldn’t change anything about my fiancee, I know what I see is what I get. I know we’ll have tough times. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with carrying the majority of the load ENTERING marriage under stress. I don’t want to do something I’ll regret or have resentment toward my fiancee. It’s not my position to cohabitate before marrying either but I don’t want to see him out on the street if he can’t get a job by end of the month.  So potentially I’d be sacrificing my stance for the sake of love. I’m concerned I’ll become resentful. The other side of me thinks, times are tough, the recession is taking it’s toll, perhaps this is all a test of our love? Maybe I need to change how I think/my perspective? What do you think? Is it too much to ask my fiancee to secure a job before marrying? (we can always reset the date) He’s actively looking and going on interviews, but what if he doesn’t land a job? Potentially worst case scenerio he could be living with me cohabitating and I’d be providing for us both in the next month. Please help. Any advice input is greatly appreciated. Thank you !

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