Gay…To Be Or Not To Be? The Door Is Open And I Won’t Come Out.

Dear Ayize & Aiyana,

     I know that you’ve discussed this previously but my story is a tad different. I am 22 going on 23 in April, a full time student and employed full time, no children, aspiring to be the owner of a spa and a plus- size model, I am celibate and most importantly, I am a Christian. In writing, I seem well put together but mentally and spiritually, I am NOT. I know what The Word of God says but what do you do when it doesnot match up with what you feel and, in my case, what you have been running from?    Growing up, I knew I was…”different”. At the early age of 6, I had thoughts of a female. During lunch time, this girl used my name in an example; she moaned my name and I started thinking about sex with her. Now what does a 1st grader know about sex is beyond most people’s imagination but it really goes to show you that children know more than you think. In addition to this, I’ve dealt with abuse from my father up until I was 15 years old. A LOT went on with that man.

When I’m with a guy, it’s almost kind of…weird. I have a dominant personality which exudes a masculine aura. And my goodness when they challenge me, I HAVE to show them up. It’s kind of like two guys competing. As far as sex went, it was kind of boring and emotionless for me no matter how “good” it was and despite the fact that I was in a relationship with them. Upon losing my virginity right before my 17th birthday, I’ve had sex with 4 guys from then until now. It was simply sex, but when I was with my first love, I felt it in my heart.

Because I am a Christian, it is beyond hard to accept this part of me. To make matters worse, my older sister is a married lesbian with an adopted son and my younger brother is in question *he’s a tad on the feminine side*. My mother always thought that I’d the straight one but mentally, I don’t identify as that. She and others believe that I’m like this because of my sister but she has absolutely nothing to do with my problem. I didn’t even know she was a lesbian until I was in the 6^th grade;

WEEEELLLLL after these thoughts started. Since my mother “gave birth to me in church”, I don’t want to leave my church but I also can’t stand for what I don’t believe when it comes to homosexuality. How do I get to a place of either acceptance of this or deliverance from this? I’ve prayed SOOO many times and went to the alter in church so that I could finally be free but it’s still heavy on me.

I think of how my life should be as far as family; a husband and 2 or 3 kids, however, I’m not sure. I just don’t want to be with a man and leave him for a woman like I did in the past, that’s why I’m trying to sort this out now before anything serious. Also, I’ve never been in love with a man. Could you all please help me so I can bury this once and for all?