I Was Frustrated, Disappointed, And Mad As Hell…BUT…What A Difference A Year Makes (Part 1)
By Neysa Ellery Taylor
A year ago, the phone rang and I received phone call that I knew was coming but that I dreaded nonetheless. My husband called to tell me that his mistress was in labor. Of course, I knew this day would come. I mean I’m not slow. I knew that she was pregnant with twins and that unless she was hit by a bus, chances were she would deliver one day. But as much as I understood that logically. I did not understand that emotionally. But lo and behold, the phone rang. And with the words, “she’s going to the hospital” I knew that my life was changing although I didn’t know if it was for the better or the worse.
I thought I was ready for this day. I thought I had prepared. Our marriage had reconciled and while it had bumpy moments, we were slowly but steadily moving forward. We had a nursery ready to welcome them to our home. But I wasn’t ready. In my mind, the plan went like this. She’d have kids at the hospital. After they arrived, we would travel to go see the babies in the nursery. We would immediately start paperwork for paternity and visitation. And life would continue. That was my plan. But in reality it went something like this. My husband went to the hospital. I stayed home with our daughters and almost drove myself crazy. Big things were happening. Life changing things were happening. Things that directly affected my life were happening and I could do nothing about it. That drove me crazy! I am a do-er. I plan, I execute, I do. Inaction is never an option for me. But in this instance there was nothing useful that I could do. So I cleaned my house. I hung with my daughters. And then I washed all of the baby clothes that friends had given me.
I washed and gingerly folded clothes that for a child that didn’t come from me. With each tiny little hanger that I placed in the closet, I wondered what was going on at the hospital? Would my marriage make it through this situation? Would my daughters see this as a form of weakness or a lesson in faith? Would my husband be able commit to being faithful? How would I feel about the babies? How would my children feel? Will my family ever accept the situation? Am I ready to be a parent to babies again? Will this woman ever understand the enormity of what she’s done? Does she finally get it? Will she use the children as pawns? I asked this and a million other questions.
Throughout the night my husband would call me with updates. I wish that I could say that I handled it well. I wish that I prayed and said loving words of encouragement and understanding. I wish I could say that. But instead I’m going to tell the truth. I cussed him up one side and down another. After dealing with the affair, after learning of the impending births, after preparing the nursery, we hadn’t emotionally and spiritually prepared for this moment. And all the hurt that I thought I was past and over, came flooding back in that moment because I knew what it was like to have his child. I knew how special that moment was. I knew that in the moment where your child is brought into the world you look at them and want them to have every advantage under the sun. You want their lives to be free from hardships, especially hardships that you helped to create. And for the first time, when my husband felt the emotions of holding a child for the first time I wouldn’t be there to share in that moment.
The moment he shared with me was later when he sent me pictures of his sons. As I looked at the images I searched for signs of him in their faces. I asked all the required questions, “what are their names? How big are they? Are they healthy?” I had no emotional connection to them. That wouldn’t come until much later. But I had hope – hope that the storms we had already weathered had made us strong enough to weather this tsunami. And I had faith – faith that all the painful lessons that I learned weren’t in vain. Faith that however this story ended that God would see me through.
*Check out Part 2 tomorrow to see the miracle that can happen when you allow yourself to go through the process.*
Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.
Whats so frightening to me is, infidelity is bad enough & a tremendously selfish act, the ultimate self fulfilling act is the fact that he wouldn't use protection; a baby is the least that can happen, how about HIV/AIDS…He could have called you to tell you that he was infected thus jeopardizing your life and the health of his children's mother & father. I don't judge you in your decision, because it is yours to make, but I do agree with Still Pushing, if you can forgive him for the ultimate betrayal than surely you can forgive your family, because when its all said and done they will stand with you in the end, no matter how things turn out~ God Bless
I admire your strength for standing in the gap even though your husband wronged you. if both parties act on emotions all of the time then there'll hardly be any marriages that are left standing!!!
STAY BLESSED SIS!
Wow, just wow! I sware that I am not trying to throw stones, but I so don't respect the way you handled things and I speak from experience. My husband had a child with another girl and I made him choose…..me or the child. Based on the vows we took I was certainly within my rights by doing this, because in our vows we said " forsaking ALL others" and that to me included in any bastard children. Your can call me cold and any other name you want, but there is no way I would allow my husband to further humiliate me by bringing that child anywhere in my presence. I would be telling a bold face lie if I even slightly told you that I give a damn about the child, because I don't. I love my husband and I wanted our marriage to work, as did he, but I had to be honest with myself as far as what I would be able to deal with. A bastard chld was not on that list. You don't strike me as strong, you strike me as stupid. There is no way in hell your husband should be able to have it so easy ( being there for the birth, having a damn nursery in YOUR house!). You must be crazy. Court ordered child support is the extent of his involvement and I don't feel bad at all about it because the other woman knew he was married so she should have known her child would be the dirty little secret. Let her explain her mess to her child and why he has no father. When she was screwing my husband she didn't give a damn about me and while she is raising her child alone, I don't give a damn about her. The End.
Christy, that child your husband had out of wedlock is a innocent victim of your husband demonic behavior. I know someone who told her husband the exact same thing and when she did give birth to their child – he was still born. Be very careful with your words, because one day your husband might leave you and his new wife will consider your child the "bastard child".
Thank you Christy. I am glad I am not alone.
Wow. As a man, let me say that you sharing this is awe-inspiring. I’m not sure what your husband feels, or is feeling, but you truly are the definition of what a strong, and godly woman is. Kudos to you.
Of the many things stated in this article that absolutely astounded me, the one thing that stood out the most was when the author says, “I wish that I prayed and said loving words of encouragement and understanding….” Really? While your husband’s mistress was giving birth to his twins? What did I miss? I mean I’m sorry for what happened to her, but this show she’s putting on is really repulsive.
The author obviously wanted to hold on to her marraige, as most women do, and found a way to do it by making a wrong, seem right or ok. It is not normal to exhibit such a warm attitude when you find out the one you took oath with betrayed your trust and is leaving an everlasting reminder of it in your face. I just wonder if you are in denial and trying to let the other woman know that she can’t have your husband or is there more to this story than was told?
She is definitely in denial. Her writing is so eloquent that it is hard to believe someone so talented can simply be so naive. Several other posts on her blog suggest that the affair occurred over several years and that she accepted the affair then just as she does now.
Ann, I agree. Good writers have a way with words that will make things sound great if you’re not careful. I know plenty of ppl who are very intelligent and business smart but really emotionally dumb when it comes to their relationships and they will rationalize everything, even to the point of dragging God in to defend their decisions. I do believe God speaks to us but not everything we think we hear is from Him.
I can't even imagine how you must've felt, but I'm anxious to read part 2.
My recent post Finance Friday: It’s Time for FINCON11!
First of all…I truly admire your faith, courage and honesty. I am going through a similar situation in my marriage. It's been almost three yrs since my husbands "affair child" was born and we are still putting the pieces of our marriage and my peace of mind together. I still haven't seen the child (the child and mother live in another state but I refuse to travel with him to visit). I accept my husbands role as father but I have no intentions of playing step mom or anything else to this child. I know that children are innocent of the circumstances of their creation but that doesn't make the child's presence an less painful to me. Anyway, you must forgive your family. I stayed mad at my in-laws for knowing about the affair long before I found out and for accepting the child. I didn't talk to them for almost 2yrs. It was really painful time because I was so close to his mom and sisters. We finally reconciled last summer and we are close again.I still haven't told most of my immediate family about the child because I couldn't bare how they will judge me and my husband. I know that they wont understand my fight for my family and they will lose respect for me and all respect for him. I continue to work through the shame and humiliation of it all. You truly have to take one day at a time, and ask for Gods blessing and super natural healing. Forgive your family like you have forgiven the person who hurt you the most. Even when they disrespect your wishes, they still got your back. and trust me, you are going to need all the support you can get. This married life is not an easy journey. God bless you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have truly inspired me to push to the next level of restoration.
This is such a powerful representation of how strong God makes us in times when we would have never imagined that kind of strength. I applaud you for this…I felt like crying while I was reading this because I just can't imagine how I would respond in such a situation. But, you are a testament of what it means to stay true to your vows and work through all sorts of hardships to get a marriage back on track. That doesn't mean it would be the right thing for every woman, but it does mean that forgiveness and moving forward is a realistic option :)! Thanks for sharing.
You never know what you can survive until you go through it. My heart stopped as I read this. I have a friend who would love reconciliation at any cost. Because marriage is forever. Thank you for sharing your heart. And I pray that you two all the best!
Wow, after your husband betrayed you all you can do is blame the 'other woman'…You stood beside him during all of this when it was him who embarrassed, betrayed you and made your life complicated. Yet, you 'cleaned up' his mess. And we wonder why men continue to do what they do.
At this point, your husband know you're not going anywhere and will continue to treat you with disrespect!
You are my sister and I pray for you now as much as I prayed for you then. You are a strong and courageous woman of faith. You are a walking testimony to His goodness. Going through the same situation with my husband forced me as well to search my soul to decide if this was something I was prepared to deal with. I must say that in spite of how angry I was with him I was willing to fight for our marriage. I admire you and your spouse for both putting your boxing gloves on and staying in the rink. Tapping out is an easy option that my spouse chose. Your testimony ministers to me and I’m sure to hundreds of other women and possibly men. The Lord loves your heart and your ability to be transparent. I will continue to keep you lifted up as well as your beautiful family.
Wow! You are so brave. Thank you for sharing, I felt a wide range of emotions reading that. I don't think I could've been as strong.
I can't lie to you, you are beyond strong! That would have gone nowhere but wrong with me!
Wow…my heart hurt as I was reading this. I found so drawn in…i found myself feeling how I imagine she felt. Can't wait to read pt. 2!
Loved this! Can't wait to read part 2 🙂
Neysa you paint a very vivid picture. A picture with courage written all over it.