I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 3

letter Cont’d

My saving grace…

After prayer and much conviction, I sought out one of my other good friends ( a godly woman, that lives her life according to the word). I confessed my sins to her and explained what I was going through and she was very understanding and referred me right to the word of God. She even prayed with me. She never judged me. And she was honest with me. She expressed to me that I was headed in a danger zone. She told me about one of her other friends that was in a similar situation. They agreed to be a part of that lifestyle and their marriage was ruined forever. She gave me scriptures to refer to and meditate on day and night. That same night another girlfriend of mine invited me to her church that next day. I went to the service, and Im grateful I did. The word was just for me. “God will give us a way of escape!” I knew I was headed down a path of destruction.

My husband became angry with me after realizing I had a change of mind. His words to me were “You have been saved a long time and this lifestyle has been ‘a part’ of you for a long time and you mean to tell me you’re just this new found woman over night?!” I was literally fighting the devil himself. Every time my husband would bring the issue up, I went straight for the word. I was in a battle. Finally he stopped bringing it up but our relationship changed forever. His heart is hardened toward me. Our relationship was already rocky prior to these last issues. So this was basically the icing on the cake. When ever there was a disagreement about something, he would always end with “well maybe I should just leave, besides it doesnt help that we have our issues that wont go away.” This comment lets me know that he has not forgot and has not forgiven me. And it’s obvious he does not trust me. I’m still hurt and confused because I having been thinking “what the devil meant for harm, God will turn around for me good.” Im not seeing any good come out of this. We are barely existing in this relationship.

To make matters worse the enemy will bring “gay topics or comments” up in my household. If its through TV like the news, questions the kids may have, a sitcom, a movie….HE WILL NOT LET MY HUSBAND FORGET. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Im afraid of talking to other women cause I am worried about what he may think, I dont have any friends come over or do things with them (he thinks all are my friends are suspect). My best friend and I no longer talk. I look at romance movies or tv shows and I cry. When I see couples that are in love and how they handle each other or when I see other woman hanging with friends, having a good time, and the husbands are in another room hanging out and everybody is having a great time, I cant help but to think…”my life should be like that” I feel like the devil has stolen so much from me. Where is the good in all of this? I don’t see it. We have had TONS of issues in our 15 years of marriage. The Good times can be counted on one hand. I am weak, I am a emotional reck, I am insecure, I am vulnerable, I feel unloved, unappreciated…etc.

I have made several mistakes in my life. However I have come to God, many, many times, seeking His forgivness. Admitting my faults and my issues, my idols, my strongholds…EVERYTHING. I take it to the throne of grace before HIm. Yet no real deliverance.  Yet no change in my husband. Ive been trying to say that gving up is not an option but honestly sometimes giving up looks better then what I am going through now. God couldnt possibly want this for me life. I AM NOT LIVING.

Before you ask, my husband and I do belong to a word teaching church. It’s a great church, however it’s a mega church. At times I don’t feel connected. We have belonged to this church over 10 years and my husband doesn’t want to leave. I on the other hand is reaching for another level in Christ and my church is not providing that at the time. I don’t want to be at separate churches so I watch other churches online, where the spirit of the Lord is high. I receive fulfillment from TV and attend our church with him on Sunday. We have done christian therapy and counseling twice before. Even though a lot has happened since we have gone to counseling, I don’t think he will be willing to go again. His heart has hardened toward me. At this time I don’t believe he thinks that lifestyle is wrong, especially if he reaps the benefits. It’s a double standard for sure. Just the other day the news was talking about gay marriage and my daughter asked him “dad, isn’t being gay a sin?” He told her, “well it depends on how you look at it.” With a very confused look on my face, I’m thinking “really?” I didn’t comment, only because I just didn’t want to go back down that road with him. Satan makes sure that topic is never far!

I really need help. My best friend do not talk anymore. I don’t go out any where or hang with friends. I do nothing. This isn’t living. Do I reconcile with my best friend or do I let that friendship die? How do I handle all other relationships? Do I just not have any friends because of how he feels or the thoughts he has?

Looking for freedom!

CLICK HERE to read Part 1

CLICK HERE to read Part 2