I’ve Been Married For 4 Years and For 4 Years I’ve Been Cheated On
VIDEO: My husband has been cheating 4 years out of the 4 years we’ve been married. I’ve been supportive to this man through all the ups and downs. He came into to the marriage with nothing and I help build him up to be stable. I never it up. However, this man just don’t seem to get it. He tells me that he loves me and wants his marriage, but I just can’t deal with this anymore. We’ve had marriage counseling, I’ve talked to him, I’ve done everything possible but I’m tired now. When it comes to sex, it’s almost none existent in our marriage. We are always arguing about this subject. He claims that I’m always clawing at him, but I mean if I haven’t had sex in 21 days or longer, I think coming on to him isn’t clawing. I’m just trying to fulfill my sexual lack. Most of the time he texts me all day long about how he’s gonna make sweet love to me when we get home, but when we get home, he never does any of the stuff he says (meaning he general makes up an excuse about being tried or he stays up late playing the video game until I fall asleep). Recently, I found out he was cheating on me for 8 months with a woman at his job. When I asked him why he said because he couldn’t talk to me and she was easier to talk with. What the …. When I try to talk to this man, he only wants to talk about his job. If I try to talk about other subjects he’s uninterested. The female at his job called me by getting my number from his emergency contact (which is how she found out he was married). This female told me about how they talk about everything under the sun (yes, they do. He talk so much he told her about our life minus me being in it and our daugther.) This female claimed to be pregnant from him. When I addressed him about the infidelity he lied and told me he wasn’t. He even said “prove it” I’m not cheating. So, I waited until he got home from work and then told him I wanted him to meet someone, I called the girl from his phone. He was so out done, he just left the house. He then came back 2 days later and asked me to forgive him he wouldn’t cheat again, he’s learned his lesson. Me being the idiot, forgave him. Now, I’ve having the same feelings that he is cheating again. I have made it clear that if he is cheating again, he has to move it to the less because I am not going through the mess. I told him that marriage is for grown folk, not for children pretending to be grown. He claims I’m just insecure, but I say I’m being wise. He goes out on his motorcycle (leaving at 9pm coming home at 1 am talking about he lost track of time). I packed his clothes and told him, I lost my husband and asked him to leave my home. Now, he’s acting like I’m dead wrong and he’s really not cheating. My question is am I wrong for feeling like he’s up to his same old crap or should I have a little more faith and believe he’s truly being honest. I have access to his voicemail, email, ect… however, that didn’t stop him from cheating in the past. So please give me some advise on this issue. I’m just feeling like I’ve done all that I can do and this is too much for any woman to handle. The sex is still on the blink and have been as I previously stated, but he says he’s not cheating. I keep myself up, I don’t argue with him, I keep the house clean, I have a successful career, I support him 100%, I cook dinner every night and take care of our daughter. I do everything I am to do as a wife and as a mother. He tells me, I’m sex to him and he loves my body and he’s always telling me, I’m the most beautiful attractive woman he has ever met. But then he wraps up with “I’m just too good”. What does that mean… I’m just too good?? I’m lost on this. I’ve laid down some rules of marriage, told him he’s going to be accountable for anything he does, I’ve also made it very clear that if I find that he’s cheating again we will get a divorce. He claims he understand, but then he goes on the night rides on his motorcycle, he will text me instead of calling me and he wants me to be understanding and trusting. I just want to make sure I’m not crazy, because something is wrong somewhere. Help with some advice please.
BLAM FAM….What do you think she should do?
The guy was never truly committed to the marriage. I was able to have is cake (wife) & allowed to eat it too (mistress). In every instance that he has left the home and then returned for "forgiveness" – this shows that he hasn't really taken ownership or responsibility within the marriage & within the family. He should never want to be separated from his wife & child. And if he was determined to be an honest husband, the wife should clearly see that he is attempting to make amends and fully integrate himself within the marriage.
Their home is basically a place to keep his clothes and sleep overnight. Honestly, it's hard to trust a man who claims to be committed, but doesn't have the desire to be physically intimate with his wife at all. He's purposely pushing her further away so it'll be easier for him to slip out & do his own thing.
Whether or not she loves her husband, the fact that she can't fully trust him is a really huge issue. And if the trust is almost completely gone, then they really should consider splitting up.
I do not encourage divorce or separation; however, I encourage and support becoming free from this "marriage". I think self-esteem is usually shattered when a spouse cheats and trust becomes irreparable unless the cheating spouse truly is sorry and works very hard to reestablish it. I do not think he loves you, or respects you! It's hard to admit the man who you vowed to love … "until death do you part" would be so cruel (cheating entire marriage), and disrespectful of you.; yet, it is mandatory to love yourself enough to let go of him. Think about it he has another family!
IS it possible that a man could love the wrong women??????????
Is it possible the man is a womanizer?
This is an example of what is wrong with people getting married…people don't think things through. People get married for all of the wrong reasons. I have heard too many stories about men marrying women because they "deserve it" or because they have been with the person for so many years and just feel as if it is the next logical step. This, in my opinion is a perfect storm for infidelity. If the people marry the person not only they love, but WANT to be committed to, they won't cheat. love and commitment are mutually exclusive. People often transpose the two, however.
Con'd…I know men that love other women outside of their marriage, but because they value commitment they choose not to cheat. When it comes to cheating, there aren't any hard and fast rules. There are plenty of exceptions. The reasons for cheating must be examined on a case by case basis. Some men cheat because they actually find the person who they want to be with although they are married to someone else. Every mistress isn't just a side piece. Sometimes, these men love their mistresses, marry them, and are faithful to that woman. Some cases are the run of the mill, "if he will do it to her he will do it to you" situations. But the bottom line is still that cheating is a choice.
A mistress is just a mistress. Why take something borrowed? If he cheated on his wife with you, he will cheat on you. A mistress isn’t special, you are just a used good with very low self-esteem. You, Tonya and all other mistress, you are blocking the true blessing for God to send a husband who is designed for you only. Don’t you want a man that loves you only? Just remember the wife is the one benefiting and not the mistress. If he was to die today, what would you be left with? $0.00! A mistress couldn’t apply for survivor’s benefits, only his wife would be eligible for survivor’s benefits. So Tonya, what are you gaining from this toxic relationship? Nothing. He is taking precious years away from you and running miles up in you. You need counseling to figure out that this fairytail you are in isn’t normal. Once you learn to love yourself first, you will have good things your way including a “good” man that will cherish you “only”.
I accept my relationship with him as it is. We have gone to counseling both individually and together– all because he wanted to leave his wife and I continually said no. As I wrote before, I have no desire for him to leave his wife. He has cheated on her for years and would eventually do the same to me (though he swears he would not). We have a child together… and while I may not get "survivor's benefits," he has insurance policies for both our child and for me in the event that something catastrophic occurred. His wife may get the legal benefits, but she also goes to bed every night and wakes up every morning knowing that her husband has another family and another woman that he loves in addition to her and their children. Not to mention, she constantly worries about where he is, why isn't he at home or calling her back, etc. As far as self esteem, I truly could walk away if I wanted to. I make an informed decision to be with him everyday. Apparently, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HIM- and so I don't.
*** tonya*** as the other woman you should feel some kind of way "!!!! SHE!!!!" is the wife and the vowels are made between husband and wife not husband&hoe sorry i had to go there but he doesnt really want you and he doesnt want to risk his family your just convient question is who is he building a life with not you
women need to find their own and stop giving men the opportuinty to have a chance to make them second you deserve to be first and only but as I stated above PRAYER is key and the decision should be made after consulting with GOD no one can tell you what to do your vowels are made between 3 entities****GOD first,HUSBAND&WIFE **** other people opinion dont matter
when my husband and I put GOD to the side our marriage suffered this we are still repairing and will continue…during Prayer God told me "let ME(GOD) deal with it you just continue to do the right thing by ME(GOD) your marriage will be restored better than you expected or Prayed for" I believe God will do just that stop taking matters in your own hands PRAY!!!PRAY!!!PRAY!!!
I do not disagree that he is having his way with both me and his wife. Just so we are clear, he has asked me several time if I want him to leave and each time I say no. The wife has known about our relationship for almost 4 years. They attend marriage ministry, counseling, church, Bible study, etc… My point in telling all this is that sure, as a wife you can pray and hope and want your husband to get some get right and do right by you. But if he has clearly established that he doesnt WANT to do right, he wont- regardless of what it is that you want.
To Tonya, I applaud ur honesty with ur situation. I agree that if doesnt want to change, then he wont. I think we as women have to be honest about why we stay and why we leave. Being the wife that was cheated on, i am waying the pros and cons of my marriage. It sounds like you are the mistress that knows her place in things. All mistress' arent so smart. I dont agree with ur relationship, but i respect ur honesty. She needs to figure out if the marriage is worth it, and learn to be ok if he doesnt change. If she cant do that then she needs to leave. Pray does help things, but sometimes the things we pray for arent what we need. It sounds like she has raised him and now he is not going any further. Marriage is so much more than love and fidelity. If you are doing all the supporting, the building up, and being told that you are too good, then whats the problem? Only he can figure that out.
We love this type of drama as a people. It's why more of us don't marry and build something decent to enjoy and leave as a legacy for our children.
There are just some hard, fast rules that should be present in any marriage. #1 is that sex with others besides the marriage partner should be an automatic out for the non-offending partner. Mature people tend to consider their actions before things get to this point. This brother ain't got a clue.
It has nothing to do with who the woman is as a wife, woman and mother. Some men just have ideas about themselves that are not about to meet with any decent idea of what a husband should be. I think he should have exactly what he wants. Don't stand in his way. Roll, girl. Why make yourself (and your daughter) miserable while he eats the bitter fruit of having his own way? More relationship drama, venereal disease, children he can't (or won't) take care of and baby mama drama is going to be his lot in life. Do you want to share that with him?
None of this is what love is. A man like this doesn’t want to change- after cheating twice it’s time to move on. If he covers up what he does and lies almost to the very end you’re better off alone because he’s not ready to stop being a coward. It takes bravery to fully trust a person with your heart. It takes maturity and self control to accept full responsibility monogamy. People who do not believe that they can get to a point of love being fully fulfilled will never have anything but a faulty replica. Which brings me to situations like Tonya. Let women like Tonya be a doormat… WAIT (don’t find) for someone who takes God, Vowing to God, and loving another person seriously! Women like her don’t. And realize Love is not forced… Changing yourself to be this great wife (which is good) will not change the man. Something is wrong with him internally and he’ll change WHEN he wants to. He’ll want to when he matures and take marriage seriously. Being in love is like a bond that can’t ve forced… It is mutual. Good luck and God bless.
Tonya, you say that his wife looks like an idiot… How do you perceive yourself in this situation. He’s making a fool out the both of you because the both of you stay. I understand your mentality- you believe a man like this doesn’t have to change, nor respect you. You validate your affair by feeling as though you are special because he’s “fighting” to stay with you and keep your fling a secret from his wife. He’s not fighting for you he’s fighting for his peace of mind. He wants the both of you to shut up so he can have what he wants. Yes people do change, but not with a woman like you. Like I said you do not expect him to be a better man than he is now so you accept sharing him. You’re not helping him nor do you want to. You’re so pathetic actually that you’re waiting for her to leave instead most likely. I’m just telling it like it is- get some wisdom.
Willingly, I am a 5 year mistress to a man that will have a 10 year anniversary with his wife in a couple of months. His wife gives him hell about our relationship, yet claims their marriage is "restored" becuase she thinks we are no longer in a relationship. She has him "check-in" with her constantly and checks phone records, pay stubs, bank accounts, etc… She has kicked him out time after time and taken him back in exchange for his promise to terminate our relationship. He remains with me just as he does her, while she stays by our man looking like a fool to all of her friends and family. I'm not off the hook with my people for engaging in this relationship but I'm not boasting it to the world, either. My word to you is to not stay with this man if you do not want to continue to be cheated on. People do change. But this is a lifestyle for him- not just one bad decision.
Why are you interfering in his marriage? She has reason to give him hell
Apparently, the marriage means more to her than it does to him. He is a willing participant and has fought to keep me when I wanted to leave. Yes, she gives him hell- but that is not enough to make him stay committed to only her. He cheats because its what HE chooses to do. He works hard to make her think everything is on the up in their home- and works hard to keep things well with us. Though she lives in denial, his wife knows what's up with me and him- and she chose to stay even after we had a child together. The person posing the question asked our opinion. And just as I have observed in my situation, if the wife has allowed him to get away with cheating in the past, then it will continue in the future regardless of what she puts into the marriage. Threatening to leave and take the kids and the house and the cars and the bank accounts is nothing… especially if she has already proved that he can treat her any way and she isn't going anywhere.
Tonya,
You speeak so bitterly of the wife and what YOU think she is 'allowing' have you thought about the fact that you too are living the live of a FOOL. This man is giving her the wife status, taking care of her bills and keeping her on a very different pedestal than he has you. Yet you seem to be waiting on him to leave his wife. That to me constitutes the very essence of a fool. You do know that you will reap what you sow in this instance. No, I am not wishing any bad on you dear, I am just telling you, take some of your won advice honey and get someone who sees you as a person that is worthy of some stolen moments and closed door relationship.
Tonya,
You speeak so bitterly of the wife and what YOU think she is 'allowing' have you thought about the fact that you too are living the life of a FOOL. This man is giving her the wife status, taking care of her bills and keeping her on a very different pedestal than he has you. Yet you seem to be waiting on him to leave his wife. That to me constitutes the very essence of a fool. You do know that you will reap what you sow in this instance. No, I am not wishing any bad on you dear, I am just telling you, take some of your won advice honey and get someone who sees you as a person that is worthy of more than some stolen moments and a closed door relationship.
I really think she has all the information she needs to make a informed decision. He has been cheating from very early on. Sounds like he wants out but not being man enough to tell her he wants out of the relationship. So his actions are speaking way louder than his words.
And on that note, I agree wholeheartedly. He was never your husband to begin with.
I feel ur pain. I recently learned my husband had cheated on me. It was davastating. Everyone tried to tell me to leave, but I didn' t feel that in my heart. I did however see a lawyer to evaluate my options. I found spirtual comfort to be amazing. I also stumble upon a support for people separated/divorced called DIvorce Care. It provided insight and support in my trying times. I would say to you leave if u are ready. If not stay and know that your situation may not change. Take this time to concentrate on you and your daughter. Become very unavaliable to him. This will allow you to grow as a person. You will find yourself becoming stronger as days go by. It sounds like you want your marriage, but it takes two. Dont make any decisions until you are ready. Try to find positives in your life, this will help build you up. Good Luck!
I totally agree I have also been through the same thing and it has been for about 8 years and now 2 children have come out of it we have stayed together through it all with n breaks (a total of 17 years for us) and have gone to Christian marriage counseling we are still together and fighting for our marriage everyday, she tries to guilt him into being with her making it about the kdis and running to child support everytime u turn around 2&3 times a year or claiming the kids have some kind of sserious medical condition…people must realize that marriage is seriuos and I'm not condoning staying but its something that should strongly be thought about God can restore any marriage and prayer should be the forfront
To add what everyone else has said…please think about that darling baby girl you have. What lessons are you showing her? She is looking up to you to help her learn how to be a woman. You are showing her how to be a good woman and wife, and you also need to show her how to have self-respect and know her worth. Sadly, her father isn't showing her a good example of what a man should be to his wife but you can still teach her very valuable lessons on what to accept and not accept from a man.
Four years of cheating and cheating from day one?! I'd have been gone a long time ago. She needs to make a decision about what she really wants for her life going forward… He's sorted! He'll happily continue on just the same way forever more… How many baby mamas do you want to be sharing your family? income with, lady?
Bejewelle
It couldn't get anymore plain than that. I am never the one to tell someone to leave their marriage, however, in this case, it is time to bounce. I agree with Aiyana, if it is nothing more than a separation to clear her head, it is time to go. You teach people how to treat you. Speaking from personal experience, you can't keep forgiving and forgiving with no consequences. Chances are they will do it again.
*sigh* I never outright tell people to leave a marriage, but in this case, what other option does she have? If he's really been cheating their whole marriage, what kind of "marriage" has that been? She has the right idea: pack his things and tell him to get out. Let the chips fall where they may after that.
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The first thing that comes to mind when I hear these types of cases is AIDS.? She needs to run from him. FAST
Amazing Advice! Thank? you for sharing.
Peace & Blessings.
I agree. What you accept? is what you will get.
blackbutterfly38