Marriage Is For Grown Folks!
ARTICLE: The very first time my husband and I decided to enroll in Marriage Education classes I was so clear that there were some “issues” he needed to work on and I was just waiting for his “Aha!” moment to come so he could let go of some of his baggage and stop working my nerves. Yup, that was my thinking— pretty arrogant, right? Well, as each week passed what became clearer and clearer to me was the fact that I might be a bit “touched” too meaning I had some bags I needed to put down myself. As a matter of fact I learned that I had a whole lot of baggage but I just didn’t realize it because I had been carrying it most of my life. So, I simply didn’t notice it. It was so much a part of me I couldn’t distinguish what part of me was the “real” me and what part was the “contrived” me, if you will.
You see, I believe we all have our real selves and our contrived selves. Our real selves are our most authentic and true selves. Our contrived selves are the person we’ve created (subconsciously most of the time) to show to the world and yes even to our spouses. So how might this look in our relationships? Check out VIDEO commentary: “Are You Keepin It Real?” .
Getting back to my original point…(ya’ll will soon learn—I can jump all around at times!), a real shift occurred in my mind, heart, and soul when I finally began to understand that the marriage God blessed me with, the relationship that I say is most important (after my relationship with The Most High) was not given to me for me to spend most of my time complaining about all of my spouse’s imperfections. Our relationships are not the place for us to let all of our stuff hang out with no regard for how that stuff is weighing us, our partner, and our relationship down. Our relationships are definitely not the place for us to revisit childhood and think that we should get everything our way. One of the biggest challenges I’ve noticed in doing work with couples is the difficulty we have with abandoning our individual agendas and moving towards what’s going to work best for the marriage. Typically, we’re so busy focusing on what our spouse is or isn’t doing that we don’t realize the part we play in perpetuating the problems we want to get rid of!
Marriage is one of the best places to grow and work on YOU if you’re up for it. Marriage is the place where 2 people can come together and pull and push eachother in love to be the best that God created them to be. Marriage is a place where one partner can model for the partner that just doesn’t seem to get it through your actions and not just your words. Marriage is a place where a brand new you can be born if we would just stop looking at our spouse, the next couple, and everywhere else outside of ourselves. Marriage can be a great place to work on SELF. Marriage is for grown folks!
Question: Why do you think people enter into marriage thinking it’s going to be nothing but a romantic cake walk?
Well I can truly relate to you as I too am a blended family, but we are still not so blended after two years of marriage. I can admit that I have noticed that I came into my marriage with a lot of baggage, but so did my husband. I have been disrespected by a baby mother that does not do anything for her children that I take care of and provide shelter to. I have been disrespected by her young adult children that are lazy and lack ambition. Then there is an ex-wife that stirred up confusion every chance she got as well her child. I have prayed, went to spiritual as well as psychological counseling. It got better for a while, but now we are very distant and honestly I want out. He is not supportive, at time emotional abusive, and is irresponsible with our finances as he was the only one working for a while becaue I got sick and had to leave job. So I ask how do I deal with all that? What can I do?
That's phenomenal. I'm glad you hung in there and were intentional about growth within yourself and your relationship.
My recent post I Deserve More Than A Wedding At The Courthouse
I have been married for almost 12 years and I must say our journey on the road to becoming one has been very interesting, to say the least! The first year…..my God! I thought that we were gonna kill each other. lol! (nothing physical) but a lot of friction. I so believe that our expectations of each other were unrealistic. I expected this HAPPILY EVER AFTER fairytale and was completely oblivious to the fact that I had to put in the work. I had to allow my husband to lead this union. I had to allow him room to make decisions in our home. I had to trust him to be the head of our family. We were a blended family and it was hard for me to step down as Chief of staff to Secretary of State. I was one of them neckrolling, finger pointing, in your face, kinda sistas about my children. A I didn't trust anyone! EVER!! But my heart trusted him even before the rest of me did. As time went on, after many talks, much prayer and several different challenging experiences God allowed me to see my husband thru his eyes. And I wouldn't be teammates with anyone but my husband. Dawn Bryant
Thank you mrs_kcarr. I appreciate your transparency.
My recent post Anyone Can Cheat…Even You- Gospel Artist Tye Tribett Talks About His And His Wife’s Infidelity
we've been married for four years. i realized after two years what it means to be a wife. i pointed the finger a lot at my hubby during the first two years of marriage, not realizing that he was not sent to me to be my savior. i had to work on myself and my baggage in order to be a happy person. i learned to look at my husband with acceptance and not so much judgement. my husband also has growing to do and i've noticed that he is willing to hear me more, when i actively demonstrate change in myself. for example, i stopped using silence as a weapon. i stopped throwing adult tantrums when things didn't go my way. and now, the lines of communication are open. he hears me. i hear him. we are still working towards our highest potential but at least i can see the path clearly now.