Your words have the ability to build up or tear down your relationship. Your words have the ability to build up or tear down your man. Many men have stopped investing themselves in their relationship because the feel bullied, beaten, and bruised by their woman. Many men have given up and as a result your relationship is on life support. Check out this video when you get a sec and ask yourself….”Am I speaking life or death into my man?”
By Russell Friedman
In mid-April there are two things you can count on in the United States. One is the due date for filing your tax return. The other is the arrival of the annual brochures or emails reminding you to order those special flowers so they will be shipped on time for Mother’s Day. However, the company that sends the notices doesn’t know that my mother died nearly 19 years ago.
Needless to say, Mother’s Day has been different for me ever since.
I remember the first year after my mom died, when the floral reminder came in the mail. I stood in the den sorting through the mail and couldn’t help noticing the vivacious motherly and grandmotherly pictures in the full-color brochure. Within moments I fetched my handkerchief from my back pocket to dab the tears from my eyes.
I thought about sending a note to the flower company asking them to take me off their mailing list. After all, one less piece of junk mail would be good for the environment. Wouldn’t that make my momma proud? Her son had finally become a solid citizen – the fact that I was 51 years old at that point, notwithstanding.
That first reminder encouraged me to call my dad and my sisters and brother to talk about Mom. So I did, and we did. We talked, we remembered momma, we laughed, we cried. For me, the fond memories mingled with fresh tears in a way that made me feel very connected to my mother, even though I could not see her or touch her in a physical sense. I believe something similar happened for my dad and my siblings in our respective conversations. Openly communicating the range of feelings we had about mom felt so normal and natural and healthy.
Video: “I can’t stand my wife!” “She gets on my god damn nerves”. “She’s always in my ear but don’t never wanna lay on her back” “You ain’t married to me you’re married to our kids”. “Tonight your mouth should be used for one purpose only and it ain’t to talk”. “You seem happier with your girlfriends than you do with me”. “What happened to the way we used to be?”
I have heard all of the aforementioned quotes at one point or another while working with men in their relationships. Truth be told, a couple of these I’ve actually thought or said myself. So I understand the frustration that comes with growing and getting to know your spouse on a deep level. Trust and believe, Aiyana and I have a real relationship that has blossomed to become something very beautiful….but it’s been a process. It’s because of that process and the fruits of our labor that am truly thankful for the connection my Queen and I have.
I wouldn’t take any of it back. Along our journey I had to learn some real lessons. I had to learn some real lessons about life and about love. In this video I will be sharing with you 3 simple steps you can take to get closer to your Queen. I want to help you reduce or completely eliminate your frustration with your relationship and GET YOU MORE OF WHAT YOU WANT from your woman….AND I KNOW THESE 3 TIPS WILL HELP.
CLICK HERE to schedule a RELATIONSHIP COACHING session with Ayize, Aiyana, or both of us together.
CLICK HERE to get our SPEAK LOVE RIGHT: Real Questions. Real Answers. Real Talk on Communication (Audio Program)
CLICK HERE to get our RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT.
By James Brito
It’s a question every guy asks himself, every guy struggles with at some point or another, every guy desperately wants to know the answer to:
WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
The answer isn’t easy to come by. There are as many answers as there are types of women: young, old; fat, skinny; talkative, quiet; beautiful…not so beautiful. They all want different things, different men for their different personalities. It’s enough to drive a man crazy! We want to know so badly what it is women desire that Hollywood addressed the age-old question with the movie “What Women Want” (which, I’m embarrassed to say, I enjoyed).
So, surely…there must be something ALL women want?
That’s the good news: There are certain qualities every woman can appreciate. And as men, that’s what we need to focus on most.
Not on what we THINK they want, but on what we can KNOW they want.
Maybe we think being 6′5″, wealthy, and built like a football player is what every woman wants, but (thankfully) it’s not. Only certain women want that, and the groupies who only want a millionaire athlete on steroids usually aren’t even worth your time.
It’s better to focus on the women YOU really want: the women who make you feel good, and make you a better man. Empower yourself with a sense of choice, so that you don’t waste your time (and theirs) hitting on girls who don’t fit with your personality and purpose. The great news is, if you can provide the basic qualities that all women REALLY desire, then getting the girl of your dreams will be easy!
So let’s look at some things we can safely say women want in a man–regardless of his size, regardless of his looks, regardless of his wealth.
1. A demonstrative value.
That is, women want to know that their man is someone other women would want. They want a certain “gotta have” quality about their man. This is why, when we go out with a girlfriend, women give us looks and always seem more interested. It’s annoying but true: the easiest way to get a girl, is to have one already!
Naturally, that doesn’t mean that you should be hitting on girls when you have a girlfriend. No way! But when you are single, it’s important to know how to show value. I’ve got a great lesson on this in my e-book that will show you everything you need to know: how to make her laugh, how to show a talent, and how to make sure she never leaves you.
There’s so much to learn, but in short, you want to be a guy girls love to be around, and that other girls want to have! If you don’t feel like you’re there right now, do your best to be a fun-loving guy who people enjoy being around. Be quick with a smile, and quick with a joke. Even a guy who smiles a lot can be someone girls want. Who doesn’t enjoy being around someone who’s happy, who lifts the mood of the room?
2. A man who needs her…but not too much.
This can greatly value from girl to girl, but basically women DO want to feel appreciated. They just don’t want to be obsessed over. Guys, show interest in a woman, and make her feel beautiful and wanted…but don’t slave over her and make her feel like you can’t live without her. That’s just pathetic, and drives women away.
I wrote a blog on how women want to feel needed. Check it out now if you want to find out how to show your woman the right amount of love.
3. A feeling of security.
Women want to feel safe with a man. They want to know that everything’s gonna be all right. This doesn’t mean you have to be huge and strong, or have millions in the bank. It just means you have to talk reassuringly to her, look after her safety, and assure her when she needs it that things are going to be OK.
It also means coming to her protection, when she needs it. If someone is being a jerk to her, stand up for her. If she’s being threatened, fight for her. Let her know that you will fight for her, and nothing will get in your way.
One of the best ways to make her feel confident that you will protect her, of course, is to be…
4. A guy who’s in shape.
Okay, I said that you don’t have to be a professional rugby player to attract women, but that doesn’t mean you should let your body slide! Part of a woman’s evolutionary mechanism says that a man who is strong will protect her and the children, as well as produce strong children. Likewise, a man who is weak will produce weak children, and not be able to protect the family as well (if at all) It may occur subconsciously, but it’s there.
So show her your value by being a guy who’s well-built, healthy, and athletic. Join a gym, not just to get women but to improve your health and the way you see yourself. Join a martial arts class–who doesn’t like a guy who can kick some ass? You’ll feel better about yourself, making it easier to pick up girls, and her mating drive will only naturally attract her to you. It’s a win-win situation!
5. Someone who’s not boring.
Doesn’t matter how good looking you are…if you bore a woman to tears, she’s not gonna stick around–or even give you a chance, for that matter. Be someone who smiles. Someone who’s quick with a laugh. Someone who doesn’t take life too seriously, who lets loose. That shows a lot more value than a guy who’s stiff and serious–even if he is good looking or wealthy. Believe me, there are lots of guys who have money, who have good looks–but are single, because they’re dull and not fun to be around.
6. Someone who’s good with her friends.
You’ve seen it at bars: girls always look to their friends for their approval. Get their friends’ approval, and you get the girl’s approval.
Oftentimes it’s actually best to concentrate on getting to know the girl’s group of friends before you spend time talking to her. If you can make her friends laugh and enjoy your company, getting the girl you want will be a piece of cake!
I really like this piece of advice from Joseph Matthews, aka Thundercat, author of The Art of the Approach, in his free e-newsletter: “Meeting women when they are with their friends is WAY easier than waiting for when they are alone! This is because women with friends feel safe and relaxed, so their defenses aren’t up.”
Furthermore, he warns that you’re not doing your chances any favors by waiting til she’s alone: “If you wait until she’s by herself to meet her, you’re walking into a situation where she’s going to be WAY more defensive than usual.” So learn to be sociable, and just have fun with her friends! If you can make them enjoy your company, getting your “target’s” approval will be a piece of cake.
This is also where it’s good to go with girls in the same social network as you…you already have the approval of mutual friends. The book, Sex in America, says that 60% of married couples meet through friends, work, or mutual activities. For more information on using networking to your benefit, click here.
Finally, the trait all women REALLY want:
7. A man with a purpose.
Believe me, women don’t expect every guy they meet to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars, have more power than the mayor, and be more handsome than Brad Pitt. They don’t expect you to be wildly successful. But they DO want you to be headed towards success. They DO want you to have direction. They DO want you to be living up to your potential. And those aren’t bad expectations to have! Remember, “Behind every great man is a great woman.” You may not be at the top just yet, but as long as you’re heading there, with goals in life, you’re bound to attract women. And more importantly, reach your own personal success.
I highly suggest you read “The Way of the Superior Man,” by David Deida. It details the importance of having a life purpose, both for you and for your girlfriend or wife. The book also explains the very important idea that if someone doesn’t fit into your purpose, or detracts you from it, then she isn’t worth your time. As I said above, don’t just go for any old girl: go for the ones who fit YOU, and who make YOU a better person. That’s what we men should really want!
I hope all of this advice helps you out as you seek to improve yourself and attract the women who matter to you. Remember that it isn’t important to know what the bimbo who wants to spend all your money wants: it’s important to know what women who want to be with you want. Empower yourself by being choosy, and you’ll be sure to attract the woman who’s right for you.
Finally, for more information on attracting the specific women you really want, check out my e-book and audio series. Thanks for reading!
James Brito is the author of “How to Be Irresistible to Women.” His years of dating experience and international travel have tutored him in the art of meeting and seducing women the world over. His immersion in international dating circles brings forth a gritty, no-nonsense approach to dating and developing relationships necessary for the modern single man. Learn more about how to attract the woman of your dreams at: http://www.000relationships.com
By Darrell A. Cador
In the midst of all that was, is, and is to be, the one consistency in the life of a Black Man is the presence of his cherished Black Woman. Whether he’s aware of this or not is a matter of perspective. Yet, her profound role in the evolution of this uncrowned king is truly unmatched.
‘Do Black Men Still Want Us?’ was the question that blazed the cover of a popular magazine. To all of my beautiful, intelligent, multi-talented, multi-dimensional, heart-warming, free-spirited, sumptuous, sensual, mind-blowing Black sisters who desire an answer to such an inquiry, you need look no further than the question itself. Black Men Still Do. And not only do we still want the most prized and treasured possession on earth…but we need you!
We yearn for you the way a flower yearns for the sun: For without you, existence is difficult if not impossible. We long for you the way fish long for the ocean: For life begins to end the moment we are separated from you. And we desire you the way a Black Man desires his Black Woman: For only Chocolate Stars can make little chocolate bars.
Too often a particular value is place on you, which, honestly, makes me laugh. The Hope Diamond, in all its marveled brilliancy, appears as nothing more than a dollar store paperweight compared to you. How foolish is it to put a price on something so priceless.
And by all means, my dark-skinned, light-skinned, fair-skinned sisters, if nothing else, always be mindful of the resilient gene pool from whence you came. A mere one out of five slaves survived the physical, mental, and spiritual horrors of the Middle Passage. And you, in all your strength, beauty, and allure, are direct descendants of those determined few. A Black woman’s worth is worth more than the world will ever know. And as long as you know, trust, and believe this, my sister…then so shall we.
Darrell A. Cador is an author and lover of quality fiction who stumbled into writing in 1999 when he came across several working computers headed for the scrap heap after they were determined by office managers to be non Y2K compliant. Inspired by the works of those who’ve come before him, Darrell strives to be a writer who’ll one day inspire the next generation of writers destined to make their own mark in the literary world. When he isn’t crafting his next novel Darrell keeps busy writing stage play scripts, screenplays, and collections of poetic verse. Born and reared in our nation’s capital, Darrell now resides in Mount Rainier, Md. with his lovely wife Jacqueline and their five children. http://www.darrellacador.com/
By Ilex Bien-Aime
Do you remember when you first met your mate? It seemed that you spent a great deal of time talking. You talked about everything and it didn’t matter what time of the day or night it was, you just wanted to hear each other’s voice. At that moment communication was not a problem and yet you didn’t know each other. Now that you know each other and are supposedly in love, communication seems to be a foreign concept.
Both sides seem to forget how they were in the beginning. When the other person spoke, we respected them and we actually let them talk. We really wanted to know how the other person was feeling and we were interested in what they were thinking. Over time it seems that we care less about what the other is thinking and what they have to say. Now when it’s supposed to be “we”, it has become all about “me”.
Conversations are now less pleasant. We just don’t listen to each other. Sure, we hear each other but we really aren’t listening. We are so busy thinking of a witty comeback while our spouses are speaking that we don’t take into consideration the other person’s feelings. We have adopted the mentality that the other person is wrong and we are going to prove it. What we must realize is that sometimes, it’s not about right or wrong, it’s about how the other person feels.
All too often we try to make our partners look as if they are foolish. We act as if everything that they have to say is baseless. Sometimes when they speak, we roll our eyes or suck our teeth with displeasure. When we do this, we send signals to our loved one that they perceive as us not listening or caring about them. We try to make it seem as if our partner just became crazy and that we cannot understand what they are thinking.
If we are honest with ourselves, most of us would realize that we contribute to the break down in communication with our mates. Though most of us do care about how the other person is feeling, their feelings mean very little to us if they get in the way of our own views. When we think that we are correct and the other person is wrong, we just don’t listen to them when they speak. In some cases, we let our partners know how stupid we think they are.
When you think about it, it really is a shame that in order for us to listen to our partners, someone else has to show us their side. I realize that time and some hard feelings can keep us from properly communicating – but this should not be. This bond should be the strongest bond that you have ever had or will ever have. No one from the outside should need to come in and help explain your partner for you.
Sometimes we need to shut up and let our mates speak. We need to let them know that we have heard what they had to say and just walk away to think about what they said. Often times the more we do this, we will see at least some of their point of view. Sometimes we will recognize that we did wrong and sometimes we won’t but at least we would have let them have a voice.
We need to understand the negative stance we bring to conversations. When someone says something to us, we tend to become defensive. I can’t tell you how many times a conversation has gone south due to the other person trying to defend themselves or by the other person showing signs of annoyance. I understand that when someone tells us something that we don’t like, we are going to react but we have to learn to keep our composure.
People also need to be realistic about who they are. News flash – you aren’t always right. Sometimes if you shut up long enough, you will see that. Many times we are hypocrites also. We don’t want our partners to do and say things we do and say to them. If someone feels as if you are not holding them to the same standards that you hold yourself to, odds are they are going to tune you out.
At the end of the day, we need to practice James 1:19, ” My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” A man who is quick to listen shows that he is willing to truly hear what you have to say. A man who is slow to speak shows that he is truly thinking about what you are saying. A man who is slow to anger shows that he is patient and wants to resolve the conflict and not make the situation worse. When it all boils down to it, if you shut up for a second, you just may hear what someone else is trying to tell you, even God!
My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.
By Gian Fiero
In the movie I Think I Love My Wife, comedian and actor Chris Rock plays a sexually deprived husband and loving father who develops a crush on an old college friend that he bumps into (played by Kerry Washington). They start hanging out and his rekindled friendship with her awakens some romantic desires which create a disruption in both his marriage and his job.
When he becomes dizzy with lust and starts to lose his grip on his responsibilities at the prestigious investment firm for which he works, his boss has a heart-to-heart with him and delivers some profound advice: ‘You can lose a lot of money chasing women…but you can’t lose women chasing money.’
If only young black men would take heed to this advice as they are growing up. Such focus would prevent the underdevelopment of potential and values which cause them to go astray and seek validation in other ways.
Culturally, black boys (especially those who have modest or above average looks) hear how many girlfriends they are expected to have, how many hearts they are going to break, or what a ‘lady killer’ they are going to be before they learn to tie their own shoes.
With the seeds of distraction planted so early in their fertile minds, and predictions of being a future ‘heartbreaker,’ black boys formulate subconscious achievement motives that entail the validation, edification, and prioritization of babes.
The validation confirms that they do indeed appeal to the opposite sex. The edification is what allows them to elevate themselves above the male competitors in their age group; further allowing the boosting of the ego and feelings of self-worth. The prioritization is the rank of importance that they place upon the expenditure of time used in the pursuit and conquest of women.
Combined, they form the roots for many of the problems that plague black families. I call it the babes and babies syndrome: black men who are driven by the pursuit of babes and shun the responsibility of taking care of their babies in the process.
For many of these young boys who become young men who suffer from this syndrome, it’s hard to change their mentality. After all, if you are constantly asked how many girlfriends you have as you are growing up, it creates an unconscious expectation. Coupled with the fact that many of your peers are engaging in, and thereby endorsing the same behavior, our black teenage boys are more likely to get their player’s cards before receiving their library cards.
Despite the fact that friends and family members tell them to ‘settle’ down when they get older (now full-grown men), it takes time (and usually some drama) before they develop a sense of consciousness about their lecherous ways. It’s not that they can’t help it, they often simply don’t know how – especially after spending most of their lives as virile men whose self-worth and self-esteem is tied to the validation they receive from the sexual conquest of women.
Breaking habits and changing the way we think is a tremendous challenge for all of us, but for the players of the world, it’s exceptionally difficult. It doesn’t happen simply because they feel ‘it’s time,’ or because they feel like they’re ‘getting older,’ it happens when the conquest of babes no longer holds the allure, power, validation, or meaning that it once did. Then, and only then, can there be a true shift in values.
Some do make the successful transition from boys to men. They are the ones who either never bought into the ‘player’s mentality’ because they were guided or focused from an early age by parents, had off-setting values, or they played the field and their conscious made them change their ways; thus avoiding the babes and babies syndrome.
Those who cling to the predatory mentality of using women to build, feed, or sustain their egos well into their adulthood comprise the bulk of the perpetrators who contribute to the demise of the socioeconomic plight of today’s black families.
It’s a very serious problem.
How serious? SAVE AMERICA Ministries published A Portrait of the Black Family 2007: Descent into Destruction! in which the following statistics were documented:
-70of all black children are born out of wedlock.
-62of black families with children are headed by a single parent.
-85of black children do not live in a home with their fathers.
-Only 15-20of black children born today will grow up with 2 parents until age 16.
-70of African-American boys in the criminal justice system come from single-parent homes. -50of all new AIDS cases are in the Black community which comprises only 12of the population.
-85of all AIDS cases in Atlanta are black women.
-African-Americans are 20 times more likely than whites to have gonorrhea.
-AIDS is now the #1 killer of black women, age 25-44.
-67of black women with AIDS contracted HIV thru heterosexual sex.
-Black men in America engage in polygamous relationships, 3 1/2 times that of White or Hispanics.
-Nearly 2 million black males are either currently in a state or federal prison or have been in one.
-By age 30, only 52of black women will marry compared to 81of white women, 77of Hispanics and Asians.
James Flynn, whose claim to fame is his much discussed ‘Flynn Effect’ in which he documents the increase in black IQs by about 15 percent, published the following information which relates to the demise of black marriages in New Scientist.
Government statistics show that at birth there are 104 black boys for every 100 girls. Between ages 25 and 45, six more men than women are dead, leaving 98 men for every 100 women. Of these 98 men, nine are in jail, eight are missing and 21 are employed less than half-time.
That leaves 60 ‘promising’ black men – men who are alive, employed and not convicted felons. Also consider that promising black men living with a non-black partner outnumber white men with a black partner by three. That leaves only 57 black men for every 100 women in a position to be a permanent partner. Out of 100 black women, 43 face the choice of either having a child by a black man who is unlikely to settle down with them or going childless – assuming they (a) want to get married, and (b) want to have children.
That’s compelling information. Is it accurate? The wreckage that can be seen in fragmented black families which are headed by single mothers says that it is. Also, just witnessing the number of wayward black men who continue to celebrate their masculinity through procreation instead of through the active and full parent participation in the lives of their children, is further proof.
When black men can find significance and meaning in their lives internally they are less reliant on external circumstances for an ego boost, or to fill a void. They can find pride, peace, and salvation in the sanctity of marriage, and the joy of fatherhood if they choose to attach value to it.
Which brings me back to the movie I Think I Love My Wife.
Once Chris Rock’s character reveals his lust to his long lost friend, they agree to have a ‘good-bye fling’. He arrives at her place and continues to ponder his decision to go through with it. She opens the door wearing very revealing lingerie and effectively confirms his decision to go through with it. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror with his tie on his head and is reminded of his young daughter (who he is in a previous scene with playing affectionately). It’s a moment of reckoning for him. He reassembles himself and leaves without becoming another victim of the babes and babies syndrome.
Gian Fiero is an educator, speaker and consultant. He is affiliated with San Francisco State University as an adjunct professor, and the United States Small Business Administration (SBA) as a business advisor where he conducts monthly workshops on topics such as business development, career planning, public relations, and personal growth.
By Chris Roberts
Whenever you mention the topic of commitment in a new relationship, you can almost see your man go into shutdown mode. He may nod and pretend to listen but does he? Men generally don’t want to talk about commitments. Have you considered it may not be the commitment topic itself but the way you approach the topic to him?
When it comes to commitment, take out all the negative things that you have heard in the past and give it a fresh clean start. When you approach a man about commitment, make sure you have laid out your groundwork to make the conversation positive instead of drudgery.
Men and women see commitment in very different ways. Men don’t think about committing to a woman, they must feel a need to commit. They don’t lay awake at night counting the months you’ve have been dating. They casually reminisce about the qualities that they feel bring you closer. If you haven’t laid the groundwork for those memories, you are not ready to have the commitment conversation. Hold back on bringing up the subject.
You may be strong, independent, sexy and fun, but if you don’t know how to speak “man language”, you are no closer to him than the other women he’s dated.
When the time comes to talk about relationship feelings and expectations, pay close attention to his words. He may have a very different idea of what he expects from the relationship than you do. In man language, he may be telling you that he enjoys spending time with you but isn’t ready to give you a total commitment. Allow him to express his thoughts and emotions without prejudging his words. Don’t assume he’s non-committal; assume there is something still missing from the relationship.
Don’t pretend to be the woman he wants. He’s not looking for a different woman; he is looking for some additional characteristics in you that he hasn’t experienced up to that point. If you change who you are, you run the risk of being miserable because you can’t truly express yourself. Nurture the things that make him smile and avoid his hot buttons.
Don’t try to talk him into making a deeper commitment and show him how to commit on a deeper level. Talk to him in a manner that allows him to express to you what he’s missing in your relationship. Take these things to heart and focus your attention on giving him what he’s missing.
Be honest with him and ultimately with yourself. Men respect honesty and they cherish understanding. Establish an honest and open communication level and keep them open. You will be surprised how much closer you will become when he feels he can freely talk to you.
To Get more info from Chris Roberts visit http://whyhedoesntcall.com
By Ayize Ma’at
One of the things that jumps out at me in our relationship counseling sessions is that many women in relationships are missing the mark when it comes to effective communication. Yup, I said it….many women are poor communicators and consequently have subpar relationships. This may be confusing and somewhat socially contradictory because women have been deemed “great communicators”, “expressive”, “chatterboxes”, “in tune and outspoken”. But please understand this, JUST BECAUSE YOU TALK MORE IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE A BETTER COMMUNICATOR”. The words you speak only represent a fraction (7%) of what it means to communicate. Body language, facial expressions, tone, and tempo weigh more heavily on whether the message you’re trying to communicate is actually being received and understood. Ladies, for the sake of this post I’m only gonna focus on what you say. For now take note of these 10 Things You Can Say TODAY To Put A Smile On Your Man’s Face…(or in his heart).
1. I LOVE YOU
When was the last time you told your man “I Love You”? I’m not talking about saying it in passing, before you hang up the phone, or before you walk out the door. I’m talking about saying “I Love You” in a moment of stillness. A man wants to feel that his woman’s love is deliberate and intentional. Please press pause on your day and tell your special someone, “I Love You“.
2. IT’S O.K. IF…..
Ladies fill in the blank with (hang out with the fellas, go to a movie, go have a drink, take a nap, do nothing). This is all about the psychological relief your man feels when you grant him guilt free space. You see a responsible man is constantly thinking about his family and reoccurring obligations. Give him permission to RELAX by saying “It’s o.k. if…..”
3. I APPRECIATE YOU
It’s easy to take your spouse for granted. It’s also easy to refuse to tell your spouse you appreciate them when you feel your relationship is a constant drama. While you may be going through rough times all the damn time one way you can consciously shift the energy of your relationship and your man’s mood is by saying “I appreciate you“. Let him know what he does that you’re thankful for. Trust me, your man wants and needs to hear, “I appreciate you”.
4. I FORGIVE YOU
The Mrs. and I saw a movie yesterday that had us both choked up. The story was about releasing yourself from anger, fear, and pain AND renewing yourself by submitting to the healing power of trust and love. Ladies, pay attention to this next line. I GUARANTEE YOU HAVE F***ED UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Are you able to admit this? With this understanding I challenge you to show compassion for your man and say “I Forgive You“.
In the words of Floetry, “All You Gotta Do Is Say Yes”. Yes, Yes, Yes!!! How many times has your man asked you to do something he enjoys and you’ve said NO? Whether it be watch a game, go to a club, attend a seminar, or have sex, your man shouldn’t feel like you got “NO!” on auto-reply. Give him more of what he wants, even if more of what he wants is outside of your comfort zone. Ladies it will mean a lot to him…SAY YES.
6. YOU ARE RIGHT
You’ve heard the saying, “Opinions are like a$$holes, we all have them”. Well everybody wants to have their opinions affirmed. The next time you and your man are having a discussion, please remember to say, “you are right”. It’s o.k. to divorce yourself from your ego and occasionally concede. It’s also o.k. to give credit where credit is due. You play a significant part in enhancing your man’s esteem. Do your part and say “You are right.”
7. I’M SORRY
The general perception is that women do this “relationship thing” better than men. I will not confirm or deny this statement. However what I will unreservedly state is that in all the couples we’ve worked with ….women and have made mistakes. Yes you may feel like your man’s actions were more egregious, but somewhere and somehow in your relationship you’ve messed up. B intentional about saying “I’m sorry“. It will let him know you’re not solely committed to “being right” or being “holier than thou”.
8. I NEED YOU
Ladies, this is what your man wants to hear:
“I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you’ve done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you” – Jill Scott
9. YOU MAKE ME FEEL SAFE
Although the blueprint for manhood is somewhat elusive, there are some basic things that we KNOW we need to do as men. One of those is to protect our family. When you let your man know that he makes you feel safe, he instantaneously feels inspired to do more and do better. Let him know you feel secure when you’re in his arms. Let him know you feel protected. Let him know he makes you feel safe.
10. I GOT YOUR BACK
Stand in your man’s corner and cheer him on. Stand in your man’s corner and challenge him. Stand in your man’s corner and support him. Stand in your man’s corner and defend him. Stand in your man’s corner and promote him. Stand in your man’s corner and comfort him. Stand in your man’s corner and salute him. Your man NEEDS to hear you say…”I got your back“.
If you enjoyed reading this piece I know you’ll enjoy the insight, inspiration, and exercises in our SPEAK LOVE RIGHT PACKAGE. If you do what we say….your connection and communication will be on FIYAHHH. CLICK HERE to INSTANTLY get your copy and to learn how to improve the quality of your relationship TODAY!!!
Ayize Ma’at is Co-founder and President of B Intentional, LLC, the Relationship Education company that owns and operates Blackloveandmarriage.com, the premiere cutting edge Marriage and Family web publication with the largest collection of love and marriage advice videos for African Americans. He is a Marriage & Relationship Educator certified in various Singles and Marriage Education curriculums and has a passion for inspiring others to grow and gain a deeper understanding of love. He is a devoted husband and the proud father of 4 amazing children.
By Dr. James Wadley
Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who asked about my sentiments towards the new Steve Harvey movie, “Think Like Man.” She mentioned that she was raising a teenage daughter, and that she was confused about what values, morals, and behaviors she should convey to her daughter about self-respect, friendship, and romance.
She expressed that her daughter was a 17-year old senior who had recently been accepted into college and had a special friend whom she was dating. I thought for a moment, and then offered up some potential scenarios that might happen if she were to, per the book and the movie, teach her daughter to “think like a man,” and to understand how masculinity is exercised in our culture: how being dominant, assertive, aggressive, independent, non-emotive, and maintain a sense of entitlement is, in many ways, encouraged in our society. I let her know that thinking like a man may enable her daughter to:
- Be less visible among her peers.
- Possibly make more money as an adult.
- Not have to be concerned about being scrutinized about crossing her legs or keeping them open while seated.
- Probably never be questioned about her weight, size, or beauty.
I also told my friend that, in my opinion, thinking like woman has NO place in our society if she wants her daughter to be happy.
…and then told the mother that all of my above satirical comments were created purely to get her to think about the overall message that Steve Harvey is suggesting to the public.
After the conversation, I thought about what I would share with my daughter (if I had one), if I were in the same situation:
- I believe I would teach her that being a woman and thinking like a woman can be pretty cool.
- While I would not push her to subscribe to traditional gender roles (e.g., passive or aggressive; nurturer or provider; collaborative or competitive, etc), I would encourage her to be “herself” and develop friendships and relationships that enable her to be the best that she can be.
- I would share with her how disappointed I would be if she would ever felt like she had to think like a man and act like a lady for the sake of finding a partner.
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