Are You A Captain Save-A-???

By Gary Abra aka Untouchable Gary

“Captain-Save-A-Hoe”, is probably one of the least talked about Captain’s you have ever heard of,  yet we all know of at least one person!  This dreaded disease affects every race, color, creed, sex or handicap. Okay, if you’re unfamiliar with this syndrome let me explain. Basically, it’s when you encounter an individual that you sort of like, yet their extenuating circumstances cause you to feel sorry for them. Along the way you feel obligated to help (save) them from whatever hardships they are going through, and in doing so you fall in like, or love with them. I guess psychologically the nurturing affect causes nerves in brain to block out all of your “common sense” indicators, and you are left in an oblivious stupor that takes away all your deductive reasoning.

Need an example, just read Cinderella. She was broke, busted and disgusting but the prince went out of his way to save her. Or you could even just with “Pretty Woman”, where Julia Roberts plays a prostitute and the handsome rich guy wants to get her off the streets and live happily ever after. It’s not only women but men too. In the movie “Two can play that game” the woman meets a busted mechanic (bobby brown), cleans him up, fixes his teeth, cuts his hair and “wifes” him up.

Some people just live for the thrill of turning this crazy world around for everyone that they meet. Don’t get me wrong, just because someone is currently down on their luck doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good person and deserving of a break every once in a while. The downfall occurs when you start trying to make and mold them into your perfect match.  Sometimes you just have to let nature run its course and allow people to succeed or fail on their own accord. When the thrill of helping them is gone what do you have left? Chances are you will have lost interest and be ready to move on anyway!

So don’t go wasting time trying to turn a lemon into a lime…

 

Keep Rockin’
Untouchablegary

Gary Abra is author of “Knowing The Game“, found on Amazon.com, Lulu.com, and Smashwords.com

5 Instant TURN OFF’S For Men

By Cucan Pemo

How do you keep the passion burning even after you’ve said “I do”?

Marriage should be a happy time for a couple. You’ve survived the rigors of dating and courtship. Now it’s time to reap the rewards and spend a pleasant life together.

But many couples find marriage to be a difficult adjustment to make. There’s a “honeymoon” phase, and then life settles into a routine. Husbands and wives start to irk one another. The passion of the early marriage starts to fade away.

Can this be stopped? Of course it can. With some work and communication, two people who love each other can continue to love being married to each other forever.

As women, there are certain things we can avoid, things that are instant turn offs to men in marriage. Here are five.

1. Complaining, nagging, and criticizing.

This is always at the top of the list in surveys of married men when asked what their wives do that bothers them. As much as he loves you, he wants to be his own man, too. And let’s face it, no one, male or female, likes being picked at.

Of course, we don’t usually see our gentle reminders not to leave his socks on the floor as “picking.” If he would just DO it, we wouldn’t have to keep mentioning it. But to him, it sounds like you’re harping, nagging about the same thing over and over again. And it drives him crazy.

So what to do? Men’s minds are analytical. They like to solve problems. So make your suggestions in the form of solutions rather than complaints. Instead of saying, “I hate it when you leave your socks on the floor,” say, “It will be much easier for me to do laundry if your socks are in the hamper instead of on the floor, sweetie.” See?

The first was a complaint; the second was a solution. Surely he can’t fail to see the logic in it, and if he forgets after that, you’ll know it’s an honest forgetting, not laziness or spite. And since you love him, you can forgive that.

2. Trying to control him.

This goes along with #1. Men like to be independent. They like their buddies, they like their football games, they like their poker nights with the guys. But you like him to be home with you. Who’s right?

This is one where you may have to make some compromises. There’s no reason he shouldn’t be allowed to hang out with his friends and do whatever it is those guys do when they get together — provided he’s still being a good husband and father too, of course.

If he’s out EVERY night with the guys, then maybe there’s a problem. But if it’s once a week or so, and he has a fun time, then what’s the harm? It’s selfish to insist he stay home with you all the time.

To compensate for it, you can arrange activities for just the two of you that go beyond just staying home and having a normal dull evening. Make sure the weekends are full of couples-only activities, or plan specific “date nights” once a week. That way, you can make sure you’re getting a special evening with him at least as often as his friends get one.

3. Withholding sex out of anger or spite.

Your husband shouldn’t expect you to have sex whenever and wherever he wants to. If he’s a typical man, he wants to have sex more or less constantly, so it’s not really feasible. But he shouldn’t have to contend with you using sex as a weapon against him, either.

Sex is the most intimate part of a relationship, and some consider it the most sacred. Either partner using it as a way of controlling or hurting the other one cheapens it.

If you’re angry with your husband, talk to him about it, calmly and rationally. Don’t withhold sex and then make him guess why. Those kinds of games are beneath you.

4. Letting your emotions control your thinking.

It’s a scientific fact that men solve problems analytically while women solve problems emotionally. It’s also a fact that that difference is what drives both genders the craziest.

Still, that doesn’t mean you should let your emotions dictate everything you say or do. It doesn’t make any sense to refuse to go to a party with him tonight because he failed to notice you got your haircut earlier today. That’s emotion talking.

When you feel yourself getting emotional, that’s fine — you’re a woman; emotions are part of who you are. The trick is to avoid making decisions when you’re in that state. Wait till you’ve calmed down again and become your normal self.

5. Letting yourself go physically.

This is a touchy subject because it usually happens to both spouses. You’re both so busy with work, home and the kids that you stop exercising and get out of shape. But it’s men who are more likely to complain about it.

One solution is to make it a joint effort. As you notice yourself slipping into poor eating habits and zero exercise, talk to your husband. Suggest the two of you take up jogging together, or go for walks after dinner, or join a gym together.

He’ll see you’re making an effort to maintain the lovely figure he fell in love with, and you can keep him from becoming a couch potato, too. Plus, any time you spend together is going to strengthen your relationship.

It’s tragic to for small things to split marriages apart, but it happens all the time. There’s no reason to let it happen to you. Remember that you love each other and do what you can to keep the fires burning.

Being Nice Doesn’t Mean That He Want’s A Relationship

By UntouchableGary

I hate being the bearer of bad news but I do have to clear the air on an issue that I’ve had to deal with my whole life. I imagine I’m not the only guy on the planet who has had this experience as well. What I’m referring to is the misinterpretation of my “nice guy actions”.

Ladies, I know it’s hard to believe, but all guys are not raised to be as@holes. Granted some choose to be, because after all you are what you are, so don’t automatically assume that he wants a relationship with you just because he is being nice to you.

Often times a guy being nice will make a woman run in the opposite direction. I guess it’s because they are so used to running into idiots that when a good situation does come along they aren’t mentally prepared for it.

On the other hand, when a guy is just being nice because he is supposed to, he gets the label of ‘boyfriend material’. And there is nothing wrong with seeing the quality in a man that does the little things, but where some go wrong is ASSUMING that he is mutually feeling the same way. Sometimes it’s just a matter of treating a lady the way she is supposed to be treated, nothing more and nothing less.

So there you have it! Don’t jump to conclusions because he’s nice to you. Just enjoy it and appreciate a true gentleman.

Keep Rockin’
Untouchablegary

Knowing The Game.com

 

5 Reasons Being A Single Man Sucks

By Damon Young

While most will probably remember 2012 as the “Year Of The YOLO” (and by “most” I mean “like seven people“), it holds special significance for me because it’ll likely be the first year since 2002 where I spent the entire year single. I haven’t completed a full calender year yet — May will make it seven months since the former Lady Champ and I decided to go our separate ways — but because I seem to enjoy doing random anthropological experiments on myself for absolutely no reason (and because I’m an INTJ and INTJs apparently suck at relationships), I’m confident that I’ll make it to 2013 without having to change my Facebook relationship status again.

Anyway, if I could sum up my seven months of singledom in one word, it would most likely be “interesting.” I’ve met some “interesting” people, done some “interesting” things, made some “interesting” decisions, and, most importantly, thought some “interesting” thoughts. The most “interesting” of these “interesting” thoughts? Being a single man is kind of overrated.

Now, as I stated on the day where I wrote about orgasms, “overrated” doesn’t mean “bad.” In fact, as the careers of Tupac and Derrick Rose continue to prove, something can be very, very good — even great — and still be overrated. I’ve enjoyed being single, and will likely continue to enjoy it. But, while it seems like many assume that being a single man (a single Black man, at that) is nothing but an utopic stream of easy popsicles, cold pancakes, and syrupy p*ssy, there are a few downsides.

1. It can be very lonely

As a person who wanted to be single, is a natural introvert, and generally enjoys doing things by himself, I’m surprised by how, for lack of a better term, “noticeable” the solitude and loneliness of singledom can be. Even when seeing multiple people and/or having tons of friends, being single means that you are…single, by yourself, and there may be times when you want to have someone around but there will be no one that you want to be around readily available to be around.

Then, to add insult to injury, if you’re an angsty motherf*cker like me, you’ll start thinking things like “Wait. I’m a single man. A single Black man. My dad named me after Dolemite. Shaka Zulu is my second cousin. People who’ve never even met me call me “Champ” for chrissakes. Why the f*ck do I feel lonely right now?” which’ll make it even worse.

2. You have to wear condoms. And, wearing condoms sucks

If you’re one of the 137 people left on Earth who always has protected sex — even if in a long-term, monogamous relationship — just skip this section and move on to #3. Also, I’ve left a plate of gotdamn sugar cookies at the end of this post as a reward for your duty. Please eat them with a gotdamn smile.

If you’re not one of these people, you should be able to relate to how frustrating it’s been to go from condom-less sex to having to worry about having gotdamn condoms all the damn time. And, even if you’re not actively having sex, “Do I have condoms?” and “Since I don’t have condoms, is there somewhere close where I can buy them?” always has to be on your mind.

Also, from a logistical perspective, they’re a hassle to put on, they smell like a pack of slutty balloons, and “sex with condoms” will always be the Mike Conley of coitus.

There is always the alternative — just don’t wear condoms while single, either — but I think one Cromartie per generation is enough.

(Btw, is it just me, or has the price of condoms spiked dramatically in the past four years? I was last single in 2008, and I don’t remember a box of condoms costing as much as it does to fill a gas tank. Does this qualify as a “first world problem?” If a Black blogger bitches about condoms in the woods, would Kanye’s missing draws make a sound?

As much as condoms suck, they don’t suck as much as…

3. Having to participate in the dating game

In a paradox so annoying that I almost didn’t mention it today because I plan on spending an entire day on this sole topic soon, I love meeting new, interesting women but I hate the process that usually goes along with meeting new, interesting women.

I understand (and appreciate) the purpose of the process, but knowing why it’s necessary doesn’t mean that you have to enjoy it.

4. The superficial romantic connections synonymous with singledom gets old

Ironically, the best thing about being a single man — possessing the ability to have myriad short, commitment-free relationships AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!!! — ends up being one of the worst after enough time has passed.

This actually hasn’t happened to me yet. I guess I’m still in the single honeymoon phrase. But, I’m certain it will, and the thought of this happening is already depressing me.

Actually, this entire list is getting depressing. ***Making note to self to make sure tomorrow’s post is about the playoffs or strippers or something***

CLICK HERE to read more.


FELLAS As Much As It Pains Me To Say This…We Have To Be Better Husbands

By Ilex Bien-Aime

Yesterday I learned a very humbling truth and that is…….I had no clue on how to be a husband! When I thought about how something like that could happen it didn’t take me long to realize why. Let’s face it – I was not surrounded by men who knew how to be husbands. My father and mother were divorced when I was four years old. I lived with my grandparents from the time I was four to seventeen  and I know for a fact that my grandfather was the worst example of a husband! During my senior year of high school, I lived with my aunt and uncle and to be honest, that was the first time that I saw a husband that I could pattern myself after. And even he didn’t completely know what he was doing!

Many men – especially black men – are less than prepared to be husbands. This is mainly because often times we never saw an example of what a husband should be. Even though some of my friends grew up with both parents in the household, that did little to prepare them for the duty of being a husband. Most of our thoughts on what being a husband should be like come from a secular viewpoint. The world has a view of what a husband should look like and the Bible has a view on what a husband is. All too often the reason that men fail as husbands is because the world’s views and God’s view are totally different.

Look at the messes that we have made in our marriages. They say that in America the divorce rate is around 50 percent. Many point to the fact that we are living in a “Godless,” society as the reasoning behind this. Unfortunately the so-called “heathen,” are not the only ones getting divorced. Sorry to say but “Christians,” are getting divorced as well. I know a few pastors who have gotten divorced so it’s not just the secular community who is killing marriage. It is the lack of knowledge of what being a husband is all about that is destroying the sanctity of the institute. Sure, other reasons contribute to the decline of marriages but at the end of the day God holds men responsible.

Men think that being a husband is about being the hunter, gatherer, and protector of the home. While these things are parts of his duties, they are not necessarily what God says he should be. Husbands are supposed to emulate Christ, and as he sacrificed and died for us, we are supposed to do the same for our wives. We say that we would die for our wives yet we refuse to die to self. We don’t put our wives first in all things. I know I don’t and that is one of the reasons that I fail. We really aren’t taught marriage from a biblical precept. So we come into marriage thinking that we can be selfish and that things will work themselves out. We tell ourselves that we will fulfill our duties when she fulfills her duties – which clearly shows that we have conditions to our love.

We often lack sacrifice because we were taught to have this macho image. A man who sacrifices too much is considered a punk and is weak but that is not the true definition of sacrifice. There is a difference between being a doormat and sacrificing for your wife and the good of your family. Too bad many of us are not taught the difference. What we are taught is just plain selfishness. We are willing to give to our wives things that don’t take much for us to give, but as my wife says, “when the rubber meets the road,” we say something different.

I suggest that men read For Married Men Only: Three Principles to Ignite Love by Tony Evans. I finished the book in one day and in one day I realized that I have been lacking as a husband. It’s one of those things that make you feel like you were living in a matrix. I saw my duties as a husband one way days before and now I see my duties in a much different light. Fellas, I know you are probably going to say that a marriage is about more than just the husband and you are right. However, the family is our duty. God holds us responsible so we have to learn to be better husbands.

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.


 

Sometimes What You Got Is Soooo Good You Gotta Share It!!!

by Ayize Ma’at

Since working with couples I’ve come across a lot of men that seriously question the purpose of marriage coaching, marriage counseling, and marriage education. I see the hesitation to engage so frequently that i’m not surprised when I encounter the reluctance and sometimes resistance to jump in head first. The general impression is that you are diving in shark infested waters where women and their issues are waiting to eat you alive. The fear of being ridiculed, ostracized, and even challenged, each make up a brick on the wall blocking your interest in participating. It’s real yall……however with that being said, I will unashamedly say that marriage counseling , marriage coaching, and marriage education has had an amazing impact on my relationship. My wife of yesterday is no longer my wife today…and i’m eternally grateful to the process of marriage enrichment.

A lot of men want to know how they will benefit from engaging in marriage enrichment activities. To answer that question I will provide you with 3 ways my relationship has changed as a result of constantly seeking to strengthen the bond between my wife and I.

1.)The quantity and quality of sex has improved.

I ain’t got to ask her a thousand and one times to “get some”. She actually initiates and gives it to me with her whole mind, body, and spirit. You ever get it so good you just gotta tell someone? Below is an email message I wrote to some couples back in February where I just had to share the “goodness” I got:

What’s up Everybody,

I hope yall had a wonderful weekend being intentional about connecting with that special someone.  I just wanted to pause for a moment and give my wife a shout out for being remarkable and to say thank you, thank you, thank you.  I’m doing this publicly  because IT AIN’T DONE ENOUGH.  Many of you on this email thread have heard me say that it’s married folks responsibility to make marriage attractive.  We can do this by not being ashamed, embarassed, or dismissive about the “goodness” that we got.  We gravitate to the applause in life….so stand up and clap for your spouse….I’m going to do that for mine.  Last week my wife sent me an email invite to a romantic dinner in our home….scheduled for last night.  There were rose petals in the shape of a heart on the dining room table.  The 4 chairs that our children would normally sit in were faced outward and pushed away from the table which made the experience feel exclusive.  I was pleasantly surprised when my wife walked from the kitchen and served me dinner in black laced lingerie.  WOW!!!! She sat on one end of the table….I on the other.  I couldn’t hold back the two tears that trickled down my cheek.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  We played valentine’s day checkers for about 20 minutes…pulled out the chocolate and stencils……..and then we……………………………………….. ?

I know someone else out there has a story.  I know someone else has a reason to say thank you.  I know someone else is itching to celebrate the “goodness” that they got.  Celebrate black love….it’s “OUR” love.

P.S.. Some of yall might say this is TMI….but it’s the TMI that needs to happen more often.?

2)My wife nags me less.

Prior to really seriously working on our relationship I felt like Aiyana was a gnat hovering around my ears. I felt like a part of her purpose in life was to remind of what I wasn’t doing, where we need to go, what I need to do, and how I need to do it. Needless to say this was problematic. I was feeling like……I’m a Grown Ass Man and I’m quite capable of remembering what needs to be done and respect the fact that I have my own way of doing it. Well guess what yall….because we worked on us and improved the quality of our relationship….she don’t be all up in my ear the way she used to be. Both her tone and approach have changed (kinda sort of softened) when it comes to tackling heavy topics. Instead of being an irritant to my ears…..her words now soothe them.

3)My wife respects me more

By no means is Aiyana disrespectful to me. Aiyana is strong willed and that can occasionally complicate conversations when we are trying to get clear on roles and responsibilities in our home. Aiyana used to fight me tooth and nail on things that I felt were in my lane…..such as vehicle repair and maintenance and it used to get on my last nerves. On some occasions I actually wondered why is she arguing with me about this when she doesn’t know what the hell she is talking about? However, since taking and teaching marriage education classes Aiyana argues less and defers more. She actually yields to my understanding in certain areas. I’m thankful to her for that.

All in all I thought our relationship was pretty good prior to going through the marriage education process…I mean we are best friends so we’ve always had an extremely tight, passionate, and love-filled connection. However after making the conscious decision to immerse ourselves in improving what we thought was good so that it could become even “gooder” a whole new world opened up. The wife I had yesterday is no longer the wife I have today and I’m genuinely excited about walking towards eternity with my wife, my lover, and my friend…..Aiyana Kai Ma’at.

IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE A CONNECTION LIKE I JUST SHARED…HIT US UP FOR COACHING

CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE for a RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE for our audio program SPEAK LOVE RIGHT

 

Move Beyond Infidelity By Managing Your Thoughts

VIDEO: Recovering from an affair can be a long and emotionally draining process. One of the most difficult barriers holding the one who’s been cheated on back from healing is their thoughts. If we can control our thinking we can help ease the transition from brokenness to wholeness and move beyond our hurt and pain to a place of peace & ultimately forgiveness.

Why I Am A Black Male Feminist

By Byron Hurt

When I was a little boy, my mother and father used to argue a lot. Some mornings, I would wake up to the alarming sound of my parents arguing loudly. The disagreement would continue until my father would yell with finality, “That is it! I’m not talking about this anymore!” The dispute would end right there. My mother never got the last word.

My dad’s yelling made me shrink in fear; I wanted to do something to make him stop raging against my mother. In those moments, I felt powerless because I was too small to confront my father. I learned early that he had an unfair advantage because of his gender. His size, strength and power intimidated my mother. I never saw my father hit her, but I did witness how injurious his verbal jabs could be when they landed on my mom’s psyche.

My father didn’t always mistreat my mother, but when he did, I identified with her pain, not his bullying. When he hurt her, he hurt me, too. My mother and I had a special bond. She was funny, smart, loving and beautiful. She was a great listener who made me feel special and important. And whenever the going got tough, she was my rock and my foundation.

One morning, after my father yelled at my mom during an argument, she and I stood in the bathroom together, alone, getting ready for the day ahead of us. The tension in the house was as thick as a cloud of dark smoke. I could tell that my mother was upset. “I love you, Ma, but I just wish that you had a little more spunk when you argue with Daddy,” I said, low enough so my father couldn’t hear me. She looked at me, rubbed my back and forced a smile.

I so badly wanted my mother to stand up for herself. I didn’t understand why she had to submit to him whenever they fought. Who was he to lay down the law in the household? What made him so special?

I grew to resent my father’s dominance in the household, even though I loved him as dearly as I loved my mother. His anger and intimidation shut down my mother, sister and me from freely expressing our opinions whenever they didn’t sit well with his own. Something about the inequity in their relationship felt unjust to me, but at that young age, I couldn’t articulate why.

One day, as we sat at the kitchen table after another of their many spats, my mother told me, “Byron, don’t ever treat a woman the way your father treats me.” I wish I had listened to her advice.

 As I grew older and got into my own relationships with girls and women, I sometimes behaved as I saw my father behave. I, too, became defensive and verbally abusive whenever the girl or woman I was dating criticized or challenged me. I would belittle my girlfriends by scrutinizing their weight or their choices in clothes. In one particular college relationship, I often used my physical size to intimidate my petite girlfriend, standing over her and yelling to get my point across during arguments.
I had internalized what I had seen in my home and was slowly becoming what I had disdained as a young boy. Although my mother attempted to teach me better, I, like a lot of boys and men, felt entitled to mistreat the female gender when it benefited me to do so.  CLICK HERE to read more.
Byron Hurt is an award-winning documentary filmmaker and anti-sexist activist. Follow him on Twitter.

It’s Time To Man Up & Get My Money Right

By Ilex Bien-Aime

I was out with some friends a few years ago when a girl said that she wouldn’t date a man unless she saw his credit score. At the time that statement made me mad but my thoughts have since changed on that subject. For so long I didn’t understand the importance of getting my finances in order, I thought that if you had enough cash, you could buy whatever you wanted and though that maybe true to a certain extent, having good credit is just as important as having a lot of cash. Unfortunately, too many people are uneducated when it comes to financial literacy. We become too focused on keeping up with the Joneses, amassing huge amounts of debt that we spend years trying to correct.

God knows that I could smack myself for my stupid financial decisions in my teens and early adult years. My family never taught me about saving my money and as I look back, I seriously cannot remember a single conversation about credit. When I think of it, many of them were living check to check and maybe I thought that if I went to college, I would not suffer that same fate. I wish somebody would have said, “Ilex, don’t apply for that Macy’s card….don’t apply for that Burdines card…. don’t get all of those credit cards when you don’t know how you are going to pay for them”. Someone should have grabbed me by the back of my shirt when companies were trying to entice me with free t-shirts and pizzas on my college campus.

I remember thinking to myself that I would one day make enough money that bad credit wouldn’t be a problem -boy was I wrong. Being irresponsible with my credit has caused me a great deal of heartache throughout the years. A few years ago I applied for a job with the U.S. Marshalls Department and I was turned down because my credit was so horrible. Literally, I lost a dream job because of credit. I didn’t even know that it was possible to not be hired because of my finances. Besides not getting jobs, I realized that getting loans had become close to impossible. When trying to buy a car, I found someone to give me a loan but the interest rate was so high that it seemed as if I were paying a mortgage. This situation makes matters worse because instead of climbing out of debt, you end up sinking further into it.

Yesterday was another kick in the gut for me because I was turned down for a company American Express card. Honestly, I am so embarrassed by that because even with a corporation backing me, lenders still see me as a threat.I’ve done a much better job with my credit in the past few years but I am still playing catch up. I am still paying back money for cards that I opened up in college and instead of having extra money that I could be saving, I am dealing with my past stupidity. I am trying not to beat myself up about this but I am no longer a single man. My wife has to take this journey with me and I can’t help but to feel bad that she has to suffer because of me.

There are too many people like me in the US. We put too much stock in trying to buy material things. We want to look like everyone else or better than everyone else but we can’t afford it. It’s not until something important comes along that we see how stupid we have been. My wife had a house before we met but I am imagining in horror what a lender would have said if we were going to buy our first house together. Because of my bad credit, the interest rate would probably be something ridiculous. I can’t change yesterday. They say that hindsight is biased for a reason. Clearly, if I knew then what I know now I would have done things differently. All I can do now is correct the wrong that I have done and be an example for others of what not to do financially. I want to get my finances in order so when my kids are older, I can show them a positive example and I can help them in their life pursuits. As a man and a husband I want to support my wife and not leave things on her shoulders. At the end of the day I am no longer a boy and now, it is time to man up!

 

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email atilexbienaime@gmail.com.


 

First Year With Twins…A Father’s Point Of View

By Dan Brown

People always ask my wife and I: “How did you ever do it with two babies? I just can’t imagine it”. My answer is always the same…we just do. We just do what needs to be done. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s exhausting. Yes, it’s stressful. But we find a way to get the things done that need to be done. That’s really the key, is finding a way that works for you and your spouse. I’ve listed some things in this article that have worked for us, maybe you can use some of the same things to help you through the first year.

 

Get into a routine

 

I can’t stress this enough. In my opinion, this is the most important thing during the first year if you’ve two or more babies under the age of one at home…get everyone into a routine and stick to it. Feed them at the same time, change diapers at the same time, put them down for naps at the same time, put them to bed at the same time, etc… This will make it a lot easier on you! If you feed them at the same time, you always know when they have been fed last. You won’t be wondering, “was that Colby I fed a half hour ago or was that Camden”? Trust me, you will find yourself asking those kinds of questions. If you put them down for a nap at the same time, you can take a nap yourself!

 

If you don’t get into a routine like this, you will always be feeding a baby, or changing diapers, or trying to get one of them to fall asleep. It won’t be long and you’ll be worn out, because there’s always be something to do.

 

Sleep

 

I know that this seems impossible now with two children under the age of one, but you have to try and get enough sleep. I’m not saying that you can sleep as much as you did before you had children, but try and get as many hours of quality sleep in a row as you can.

 

When the twins were less than about 4 or 5 months old, and still not sleeping through the night, my wife and I worked out a system that seemed to work pretty well. Since she stayed home during the day while I went to work, we decided to sleep in shifts. Usually, she would go to bed between 8 or 8:30, and I would stay up with the twins. No matter what happened, they were my responsibility until about midnight or 1:00am. Sometimes they would sleep during that time, sometimes they wouldn’t. It didn’t matter, that was my wife’s time to sleep. Then, at around midnight or 1:00am, I would change diapers and feed them again before putting them to bed. I also went to bed at that time. Usually we could count on them to sleep for another two to three hours before they woke up again. That would put us in the 2:00am to 3:00am range. Then it was my wife’s turn to get up with them, feed them and change diapers, and it was my time to sleep.

 

This system seemed to work pretty well for us…it was a way for both of us to get around five or six hours of quality sleep in a row. The bottom line is to find something that works for both you and your wife because you both are going to need as much sleep as possible to make it through the next day.

 

Divide and Conquer

 

For those of you guys out there that still believe it’s a woman’s job to take care of the baby, that’s just not going to work with twins. If you expect your wife to feed the babies, dress them, give them baths, change all of the diapers, put them down for naps, she’s going to be very tired and very irritable. You know how the saying goes…”when mom’s not happy, nobody’s happy”.

 

So guys…get used to helping out. That includes helping out with the babies and around the house. Don’t be afraid to change a diaper, make a bottle, do the dishes, sweep the floor. In fact, it’s even better if you do these things without being asked or told to do them first. Trust me, it will be easier on everyone. Having two babies at one time is very time-consuming…there are always lots of things to do. Pitch in and your marriage as well as the babies will reap the benefits.

 

Make time for yourself

 

As anyone with kids can tell you, once in awhile you just need to get away and have some time for yourself. As much as you love your kids, sometimes you need time without the kids. My wife and I are both pretty flexible when it comes to allowing each other some time away. I don’t mind when she goes to a movie with her friends, or plays bunco (whatever that is!) with the neighborhood bunco group. She gives me the same freedom to play golf or go fishing once in awhile with my friends. As long as neither one of you take it to an extreme, you should encourage each other to do it.

 

You also need to make sure you work in some time where you and your spouse spend time together without the kids. Don’t feel guilty about it…think of it as a sanity check! My wife and I try and get our parents to watch the kids once in awhile while we go out for dinner or even for a weekend away. We just feel more comfortable having our parents watch them rather than a babysitter, but that’s really more of a personal preference thing for us. However you do it, just make sure you and your spouse make some time for each other without the kids.

 

The house just isn’t going to be as clean

 

This is an important lesson for first time parents of twins. Before my wife and I started having kids, we were both kind of anal about keeping the house spotless, straightened up, and things just so. It hasn’t been that way for quite awhile now…and you know what, it just doesn’t matter. Our house is usually a mess, the dishes don’t get done as soon as they used to, and I don’t cut the grass whenever I see a blade of grass higher than another. With all of the responsibilities that go with having children, especially under the age of one, you just won’t have as much time as you used to. Get used to it!