Boris Kodjoe Tweets Advice On How To Be A Man And How To Love A Woman

By Team BLAM

Happily married actor, Boris Kodjoe in response to a friends tweets about what to look for in a man, chimed in with a list of his own on how to be a man and how to love a woman.  We give major props to Boris because he unashamedly represents marriage in a positive way and has no problem affirming his wife Nicole Arie Parker.

“- Embrace your imperfections

– Laugh at yourself. A woman likes a man who doesn’t take himself too serious.

– Fix or build something with your hands. It’ll show her that you are capable of taking care of a home.

– Know how to cook and clean. It’ll show her that you don’t need her but that you WANT her.

– Get your passport and travel. A man needs to see the world.

– Communicate without cursing. You don’t need to curse to make a point. Cursing shows lack of substance.

– In bed, take care of your woman first. When she’s satisfied you are DA MAN!!!

– Stay in shape. It’ll show her that you care about yourself and therefore are able to care about her.

– Take care of your responsibilities. Anything less is unacceptable. A boy is irresponsible, not a man.

– Open her her door and pull out her chair. It shows her that you honor traditional values. Trust me, she will do the same.

– Be present! Take her in with your eyes and ears. Your attention will make her feel loved and she won’t ever nag you.

– Read a f—ing book! (Sorry, violation of ‘no cursing’ rule) But seriously, ignorance is a major turn-off. Book on tape will do.

– Have an ambition. You don’t need to be rich but you need to show direction and motivation. Keep a job!

– Last one for today: Treat a woman the way you would want your daughter to be treated. Anything less is unacceptable.”

Ladies you may want to show this list to your man! Fellas if you’re reading this, take note.

It Doesn’t Take A Whole Day To Recognize Sunshine

By:  Al -Lateef

When I look at you, what I see is my future wife-to-be, only God himself more important in this life to me. You are much more than the woman I’m spending forever with; you’re my best friend, my confidant, my strength, my inspiration, my sun and my moon, the song in my heart and the air I breathe. I really don’t remember much about life before you and I’ll die before I have to live without you. Excuse me; I get beside myself when I think of you, because you mean more than words could accurately describe.

People who knew me when constantly ask what have you done to settle me down, to convince me to marry you; that’s because they don’t know you, they don’t know that your smile warms the coldest hearts and with your love, I’ve figured out how to conquer everything. I used to tell people what I needed in a woman and they would laugh, telling me I would never find a woman to be all of those things and allow me to be myself. They didn’t know you either, but I knew you were coming.

Yeah, long before you said yes and I said hello, I knew. You were born on this day thirty-three years ago with me in mind and the years between then and our meeting was mere preparation for a life together. You walked into my life on my darkest day and dimmed the rainbow’s glow and in turn transformed my life. I thank God every day, all day for you, for your love and for this day.

I’ve been thinking since last year’s birthday of what I could give you and roses, diamond earrings, writing your name across the sky, a vacation and new car just didn’t seem like enough, so your gift is me; a better me, a vow to improve every day, to love you more than I did when we went to sleep the night before and even join the gym (after my birthday) and even not keep the air so cold in our home. Well, you’ll get all of that and more if you promise to just keep loving me the way you do.

So Happy Birthday to the one that taught me to love without compromise, made me realize that it was OK to smile again, want to be the best Teef I could be and who’s love landed me on bended knee. Happy Birthday to the woman that brightens the day for everyone around her; friend, sister, auntie, cousin, mentor and more. Happy Birthday to You, Sunshine, my Old Lady, the Lady and all of the other names I’ve referred to you as within these pages.

I guess this is where I’m supposed to say “I love you”, but everyone says that and what I feel is so much more. I think the world of you, would trade the world for you and build my world around you. I adore you and honestly don’t want to spend a minute of my life not loving you, Happy Birthday Sharea!

It didn’t take a whole day for me to recognize Sunshine…

Between rhetoric and reality is where you’ll find The World According to Teef.   Social commentary rooted in independent thought that’s unfiltered, uncensored, unforgiving, but never unreal!

Men Are Not Dogs….We Are Vultures (At Least Some Of Us That Is)

By llex Bien-aime

Something All women Should Know-An Unfortunate Truth.

My wife and I are talking about having a baby soon. She is so excited about the potential of having little girls, while I on the other hand only want sons. She thinks that I don’t want daughters because they will have me wrapped around their little fingers but that’s not quite it – I just don’t want my future daughters to deal with the Vultures that will surely come their way.

Yes, fellas – I am calling us Vultures. Men, like Vultures, are animals who prey on others. The Vulture seeks to attack weaker animals for the sake of fulfilling their own gain and as men, we are no different. They say that Vultures seldom attack healthy animals. Do we not do the same? We generally seek easy targets and women with some type of self esteem issue. I am sure by now healthy women would have noticed that many men stay away because if what we are looking for requires too much work to accomplish, we move on to an easier target.

I know that women do not like to hear a man call them weak and some of them think themselves to be stronger than they really are but that false belief opens women up to becoming lambs to the slaughter. Some confuse being well-educated, gainfully employed, and generally self sufficient as a protection against the Vulture but in all honesty, most men find that these things only mask other insecurities women have.

I am no clinical physiologist but the term “daddy issues” is real. So many women are trying to find love in the wrong places and in many cases will do some strange things to get it. They think that their actions will win the Vulture over, but it does not. The goal of the Vulture is to attack – and what better victim is there than a woman trying to win a man over while he does nothing to win her over. At that very moment (just like a vulture), it is as if he is flying in the desert and spots you from miles away. He can see the desperation of your actions in the same way that the Vulture can see the fatigue of the dying animal. In that very moment he knows that you are safe for the attack!

Top 60 Black Ghetto Names….Really?

By Ayize Ma’at

VIDEO: Today I saw this video for the first time.  To say the least I was offended.  As someone who takes the naming process very seriously, I felt like this video totally disrespected, devalued, and trivialized one aspect of the uniqueness of African American culture.  You see I changed my name 10 years ago as an affirmation of my Africanity and to symbolically advocate self determination and self definition for myself and my community.  Without getting too deep, I got mad respect for those who use their god given creativity to name themselves.  For the life of me I can’t understand why names created by African Americans that are unique to the African American cultural experience are called GHETTO?  Not only are these Latino boys calling our names ghetto….but as evidenced by the multitude of spinoff videos made by African Americans…we are calling our names ghetto too. BLAM Fam…do yall see this as a problem…or are these names really “GHETTO” and I’m making it too deep?  Let me know what you think.

Spoken Word Video: “Relationship Management”–One Of The Most Moving Pieces You Will Ever Hear In Your Life

VIDEO: This is hands down one of the most passionate, moving, and on point spoken word pieces we have ever heard in our lives. Yeah, you read that right…..IN OUR LIVES. In this piece Marcus Jones challenges and inspires us all to step up our game BIG TIME when it comes to what we demand for ourselves and our relationships. He calls this piece “Relationship Management” and there’s really nothing more we can say to convey the importance of his words. Just click play and be moved to think, feel, and DO better. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

I Was Shocked When I Found Out My Wife No Longer Wants To Be With Me

By Calle Zorro

It usually goes something like this…

They meet and start dating in high-school – or in some cases, in college. After graduation, they marry.

She goes to work in a lower-end job – something like teaching – which she enjoys to some extent – but it isn’t her “everything”.

He, enters into some kind of mid-range job – and the “potential” of a great career looms clearly before him.

And of course, he has his hobbies and the things he does with his friends…golf, motorcycles, fishing, racing, and so on.

Along the way, children come along – along with the corresponding bigger cars, house, etc.

In the morning, as he leaves for work, the man kisses his wife goodbye and when he gets home, he hugs her and tells her he deeply loves her.

Time speeds by…

Occasionally, the wife complains to her husband that she feels like her and the children are taking a back seat to his work and hobbies. And, for a time, he’ll “cut back” – just long enough for the “storm” to “blow over” and then he’s back to “life as usual”.

Besides, the man knows that he loves his wife and children and so he doesn’t feel that his wife’s concerns are justifiable.

More time speeds by…

And, what with all of his work and hobbies, it’s hard for the man to find enough time to be able to devote any significant time to his marriage relationship.

Every so often, another “storm” blows up…

The wife gets depressed.

She goes through emotional “hard times” for no apparent reason.

But, they talk and the wife tells the husband that she doesn’t feel like she’s a priority to him – although she readily admits that he is a good husband and father. Not only that, she tells him that she understands how important his career is and how important it is for him to continue “climbing the ladder of success”.

And so after talking, the storm seems to blow over and everything appears to be ok…

And since by his wife’s own admission, the man is a “good” husband and father, he just continues on with life as he knows it – work and hobbies, work and hobbies, work and hobbies.

Then five, sometimes ten, oftentimes fifteen or twenty years later, the woman “surprises” the husband with the “news” that she no longer loves him and that she wants out of the marriage.

It’s usually at that point that the husband is awakened to the fact for all of this time, he has been a priority to his wife while she has NOT been a priority to him and that she “cohabitated” in that lonely existence for as long as she possibly could – and now she doesn’t even want the marriage – let alone want the marriage to work.

The husband foolishly and mistakenly assumed that his wife would just always love him – without any maintenance or effort on his part – as he enjoyed life doing his own thing.

And now, more than anything, the husband wants the marriage to work out…and she doesn’t…

For too long, HE has put HIMSELF first…and SHE too has put him and the children first…

For too long, HE has done whatever he wanted to make himself happy…and SHE too has done whatever it took to make him happy…

For too long, the wife has put herself aside as she tries to make sure her husband got the things he wanted.

For too long, the wife has supported the man in his happiness and success. On the other hand, the man has given little to no support to his wife for her happiness and success.

Through the years, the wife would occasionally attempt to engage in something she was interested in – and she would quickly run into the “dark cloud” of the man’s displeasure for having to watch the kids or sacrifice his own interests and needs – and so, she would once again, set her needs and interests aside.

She suppressed “herself” and that lack of “expression” began to build – building like toxins and waste in an unhealthy body…

Now, she has reached the point where she is so emotionally shut down that short of a Divine miracle, the relationship is beyond repair.

The fact is, the wife is done with the man and his selfishness.

Ironically, now that the man realizes he is losing her, he wants nothing but his wife.

Now, the husband wants his wife to “communicate” her feelings.

Now, he wants her to “talk about” her needs and interests.

Now, she’s not interested.

Why should she be?

For all those years prior, HE wasn’t interested in really listening to and attending to her emotions, desires, and needs!

He was only interested in “listening” just long enough for her to shut up, get over her emotional spell (or as he really felt, her emotional weakness), and leave him alone so he could go on doing his own thing.

Why should she now believe that he cares about her feelings, desires, and needs?

Why should she now believe that he will actually make a permanent change – one where she is a priority in his life?

After all, his mode of operation for the entire marriage has been to “gloss” over her feelings, desires, and needs.

So, why should she put herself in a vulnerable position again?

Why should she go back into a position where her feelings get crushed all over again?

After all, his attitude was always one of, “This will all blow over. She’ll get over it.”

It was her unattended feelings, desires, and needs that caused all those “storms to blow up” through the years and every time, after the “clouds” cleared away, he was his same old unchanged self.

And each time this happened, the man unknowingly twisted an invisible dagger deeper and deeper into the woman’s heart that left HER feeling number than the time before.

Until finally, as it pertains to this man, her heart is “dead”. She’s “stone cold”. Her love is gone…her heart is gone…she’s gone.

There is ZERO desire in her heart to “try” anymore.

She has ZERO interest in “cohabitating” with a “kid” in a man’s body who gets all the toys and has all the fun while she sits on the sidelines lonely, unhappy, and unfulfilled.

In fact, she has ZERO tolerance for even one more hour of being alone while her supposed-to-be-husband is off “making the boss happy” or “doing his weekend thing with his buddies”.

Of course, there were “signs” all along the way…

But, in all of his “rambunctious energy”, the man blew right past them and ignored them…

At least, most of them…

One of them was kind of hard for him to ignore…

The affection, intimacy, and sex became less and less frequent.

Early on in their marriage, it was a common thing for the man to hold her or to touch her hair or to kiss her and even to initiate sex – and she always responded and reciprocated.

But, as time went on, he still did these things but she slowly stopped responding and reciprocating.

Unfortunately, as her needs continued to go unnoticed and unmet, he “barreled on down the road” – turning to the comfort and enjoyment found in his work, career, friends, and hobbies.

Sadly, when they talk now, it’s through attorneys.

What about YOUR marriage?

My hope is that things aren’t quite this far gone for you yet. My hope is that there’s still a chance you can turn things for the better in your marriage.

Maybe, in reading this, you recognize the importance of making few changes in your own marriage or relationship. To get things back on track, take a look at  To learn more about Calle Zorro, go to

Criticizing Tyler Perry Is UNFAIR…or Is It?

By Ayize Ma’at

Yesterday the Mrs. and I took some time out of our busy day to check out Tyler Perry’s latest film, Madea’s Big Happy Family.  As usual, I was definitely impacted on an emotional level while I watched the film.  Tyler Perry has a unique way of invoking anger, joy, frustration, pride, fear, and enthusiasm in his viewers.  The laughter and focussed silence in the theater told a tale of it’s own.  After we left the theater I told Aiyana that there were three things that I took away from the experience.

1.  Black Folks need to be more mindful of their health and B Intentional about seeing doctors for screenings and exams.

2.  Madea is  “funny as hell”.

3. Black Folks need to STOP keeping family secrets.  Family members are hurting and the silence is like salt on the wound.

Unfortunately the message that resonated the most is one that I perceive to be damaging to our community:

4. Tyler Perry stereotyped to the “umph” degree in this film by exaggerating his representation of black women as ANGRY and black men as DOCILE.

I’m not a Tyler Perry hater or a Tyler Perry apologist.  I applaud his work when i think it’s well done and I offer challenging critique when I think it could be better.  Truthfully I think we all can do better.  Nobody is exempt from the responsibility to uplift self, family,and community.  Below is an article from THE ROOT of an interview with Tyler Perry where he is responding to all of the criticism coming from the black community.

By Clay Cane

Tyler Perry sounded like he was channeling Madea herself last week when the usually reserved filmmaker told reporters that his fellow director — and critic — Spike Lee “can go right to hell, and all y’all can print that!” He got his wish — the quote has been printed worldwide.

No stranger to feuds, Spike Lee has publicly challenged 50 Cent and Clint Eastwood, and has been known to offer some biting commentary on white directors who have tackled films about black life, such as Steven Spielberg’s Amistad. In 2009, the two-time Oscar nominee said in an interview with Ed Gordon, “When I watch the games on TNT, I see these two ads for these two shows and I am scratching my head. We got a black president and we going back to Mantan Moreland and Sleep ‘n’ Eat?” To be fair, Lee didn’t specifically name Perry’s two TBS sitcoms, Meet the Browns and House of Payne, but the point seemed obvious. And Perry clearly took it personally.

A lot of the negative talk surrounding the master of Madea has to do with the portrayal of blacks in his work and his perceived lack of artistic talent — see the mixed reviews for For Colored Girls — and Perry made it clear in his rant that it was not only unfair but a uniquely black thing for African Americans to criticize one another for their creative work. At his press conference, he compared himself to Zora Neale Hurston, whose writing was panned by some of her black peers. “I’ve never seen Italian people attack The Sopranos,” he said. It’s always black people, and this is something I cannot undo.”

I beg to differ. Italian-American organizations were enraged atThe Sopranos, and they are currently on a rampage against the less-than-flattering reality shows Mob Wives and Jersey Shore. Steven Spielberg’sSchindler’s List, a film about the holocaust, was chopped up by other filmmakers, such as the late Stanley Kubrick (The Shining,Eyes Wide Shut), and even a holocaust survivor, Imre Kertész, was unhappy with the movie. Quentin Tarantino and Oliver Stone have had a long-standing feud. What Perry experiences is nothing new; nor is it unique to the black community.

Nevertheless, since Perry’s rise to fame with his up-in-drag hootenannies, there seems to have been an unspoken rule that black folks can’t criticize him. When a small few have offered critiques (Idris Elba, Malcolm D. Lee, Aaron McGruder), suddenly they are accused of having a “crabs in a barrel” mentality and not acknowledging Perry’s business acumen. But his moneymaking skills cannot be denied — Madea’s Big Happy Family made $25 million in its opening weekend, better than all of Lee’s opening weekends, with the exception of 2006’s Inside Man.

Indeed, Lee has stressed that he has no feud with Perry, and in 2010 he posted the original transcript of the 2009 Ed Gordon interview on his website. One quote that is always ignored: “The man has a huge audience. Tyler’s very smart with what’s he done. He started off with these plays. Church buses would pull up, packed, and he’s parlayed it. He’s bought his own jet. If you can buy a jet, you got money.”

In Lee’s heyday, he was blasted by both blacks and whites. He has been labeled racist, misogynistic, homophobic and anti-Semitic. Like Perry, Lee is not flawless. One might argue that Lee’s treatment of women in his movies (He Got GameGirl 6) is just as offensive as a modern-day minstrel show, which many of Perry’s detractors call the Madea movies. Neither of them is above this sort of criticism — whether or not it’s coming from their own race.

If the conversation is about content, Lee at his worst is better than Perry at his best. But Perry is banking too many millions to have a tantrum over Lee. Let Mookie vent if he sees cinematic history repeating itself with modern-day minstrelsy; there is room for both of them (and more — see Ava DuVernay’s I Will Follow if you’re in the mood for an excellent black film).

Lee, an NYU film school graduate, knows his craft, has paid his dues and clearly has a respect for black cinema. And Perry will continue to make the films he desires. Let’s just hope that he has no plans to adaptGo Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin, Black Boy by Richard Wright or, my worst fear, The Bluest Eyeby Toni Morrison. After For Colored Girls, he should stick with Madea and steer clear of the classics.

Clay Cane is a New York City-based journalist. You can read more of his work here. Follow him on Twitter.

Is He A Fake Baller? 13 Signs That Say YES

By Ayize Ma’at

I recently stumbled across this article on AOL Blackvoices which highlighted signs of a man’s demeanor that may suggest he really isn’t who he says he is….A BALLER.  After reading the article and chuckling over some of the “signs” I began thinking: Are  the trappings of our materialistic society compelling men to exaggerate their lifestyles?  If so….why do men act on that compulsion?  Where is the integrity?

I understand that many men in the African American community are raised in competitive environments where victory and defeat are often determined on a field or court.  What I don’t understand is why so many of us lose integrity in the midst of competition.  Is winning more important than honor?  Is honor established and exclusively reserved for winners.

Sure we all want to be winners.  When dating a woman, romancing a woman, loving a woman, and sexing a woman we want to win.  We want to be seen as winners not just to the woman that we’re in a relationship with but also to our peers who we believe are evaluating us and have the ability to either give us an A or F in life.  Herein lies a piece of the problem.  We are not comfortable with who we are so we pretend to be who you want us to be.  Or at least who we think you want us to be.  What’s wrong with being yourself?  What’s right about being YOU?

Fellas…I challenge you to stop lying about your bank account and your “big ego”, and start bragging about YOU.  Put a plan in place and get comfortable with your process.  Know that life and love are about more than being a baller…..they are about being the best YOU that YOU can be.


I recently went on a date with a fellow whom, for two months, had pulled every trick out of his hat until I finally agreed to meet him. Plans for a night in NYC filled with dinner and bowling seemed like a very promising first date. *Record scratch* However, it took a terrible turn when the same guy who picked me up in a 2010 Range Roverwearing Boss Black and smelling like Gucci asked me to foot the bill at the end of the night.

Whaaat? It wasn’t like I didn’t have it, but wasn’t he was the one who had requested to take me out, not the other way around? What made matters worse was that the whole night, his braggadocio demeanor would have had anyone thinking he had more money than Bill Gates himself. So when I asked him why he felt it was okay for me to pick up the tab, his response – “I didn’t think bowling would be $200” – was priceless.

It was his idea to go to the city, his idea to VIP bowl and his idea to drink like a fish, so I wasn’t at all shocked by the price tag. I was shocked, however, that I had run into one of the most annoying type of guys – a fake baller.

Real ballers, a term usually reserved for a financially successful man, are known to be confident, swagglicious and, of course, financially secure. On the other hand, fake ballers are like a great knockoff Louis bag: The differences are subtle, but more times than not, they only have one, maybe two, of the three “baller” prerequisites and overcompensate for the lack of being financially secure with being flashy.

1. He asks how much something costs before he orders it.

If he tells you to get whatever you want – but when you order a simple drink, he asks the bartender how much it is before she pours – pay for your own drink and leave.

2. His excuse for not having something is always because he had it years ago.

If you heard him say, “I had the iPhone 4 in its beta stage back in the day, so I’m waiting for something new to come out,” to explain why he doesn’t have any type of cell phone now, be very suspicious.

3. His only vacation spots have been Miami or Vegas.

It’s been five months now, and he’s still talking about how he “just came back from Vegas for the fight.” Chile…

4. He never puts you on to anything new.

If he says he has the best Italian resturant in mind and you end up at Olive Garden, or he’s always impressed by your date choices, he’s not balling.

5. He has a designer wallet with nothing in it.

If a driver’s license and 40 singles are the only things to make his Gucci wallet look bulky, suggest he sell the wallet.

6. He only wants to hang out on “house dates.”

When you said you’ll come over to watch a movie, he was all for it, but when you changed your mind and said you would rather make a trip to the theatre to catch a movie, he suddenly had a change of heart.

7. He drives the newest cars, but has no home.

He picks you up in a Beamer, Benz or Bentley, but lives in the same room he grew up in – with his mama and 56-inch flat screen.

8. He loves to make jokes about you paying when the bill comes.

No matter how much he swears he was joking when the bill came and he asked you, “You got this?” understand he’s really hoping you say yes.

9. He wears a ton of jewelry, but doesn’t have a 401K.

A real baller focuses on the future of their wealth and invests in things that have real returns – not $11,000 chains.

10. He’s always concerned about your money.

If he’s asking you if you get paid weekly or biweekly and “about how much,” be concerned.

11.He’s asked you to put something on your credit card, with the promise to give you the cash later.

Real ballers manage their money well enough to have credit lines and good credit.

12. He never wants to break a large bill.

He pulls out the same three $100 dollar bills that have been sitting in his wallet for a month, and asks you to pay for the movie, because “he doesn’t have anything small.”

13. He pronounces certain (read: “fancy”) words incorrectly.

If the dude pronounces Merlot with the “t” (mer-loT) and says he’s been to Turks and Cactus (Caicos), he’s a fraud.


Sexy Panties: Why Men Love Them And Women Need Them

By Gian Fiero

There’s a difference between women’s underwear and sexy panties. Underwear is functional. It is worn for sanitary purposes. Sexy panties are about femininity, self-expression, and style. Sexy panties are perhaps the only item of clothing that can influence the mood of both women and men.

While panties may have evolved over the years as the embodiment of female sexuality, they did not start out that way. Their original purpose was to cover-up and minimize a woman’s feminine features.

The first “panties” were the brainchild of Elizabeth Miller, but Amelia Bloomer revised them during the 1850’s. They were essentially long, baggy pants ending at the ankles (a.k.a. “bloomers”). In the late 18th century bloomers got two other nametags – knickers and knickerbockers.

When the roaring 20s arrived, signaling the end of World War I, young women began wearing shorter skirts for greater comfort while dancing. With all of the high leg kicking that was taking place, undergarments went from being a private article of clothing, to potentially being a public display of intimate fashion apparel.

As a result the first pastel panties were designed and the word “lingerie” first appeared in public. The term lingerie derives from the French word ‘lin’ which means linen. During the beginning of the 20th century it was still being called underwear and was worn mainly for hygienic purposes. It was at this time that bloomers began to shrink in size.


In the 1940s, Frederick’s of Hollywood opened shop in Hollywood. They began turning out prettier undergarments, lingerie, and corsets. Many viewed these more fashionable undergarments as “hooker” attire. After all, why would a respectable woman need raunchy panties?

Thus, any pretty and/or fashionable garments worn under clothing were deemed as lingerie; which was associated with bad girls who did bad things…that men liked. Frederick’s of Hollywood still carries this stigma today and as a result, has been overshadowed by Victoria’s Secret as a more “respectable” undergarment retailer.

Colorful, bright, sexy, and flashier fashions of women’s lingerie were becoming available. More fabrics such as cotton, satin, lace and silk began to be incorporated into the makeup of women’s lingerie, making them more desired by females and more sensual to males.


This is perhaps the great turning point when panties became more than simple hygiene products and were viewed as a symbol for sexuality and eroticism worldwide.

During the 1960s, there was a stir about the old, traditional views of women’s undergarments, which some people wanted to look more like females’ anatomies. Female anatomy was largely misunderstood due to censorship of the subject. Some feminist women were complaining that traditional women’s undergarments were created to impose control and distort the appearance of women’s figures (which it originally did).

This movement caused many females to have a new outlook on their undergarments. The underpants began to be made more like women’s anatomy, as designers experimented with different cuts and fabrics. The underpants got smaller and skinnier and began to be more openly sexualized.

Then the 70s and sexual liberation arrived. Inhibitions diminished and so did the tolerance for grandma panties (which is what bloomers were now called).


While many credit Rudi Gernreich with introducing the first modern thong back in 1974 – in this country – it was actually the Egyptians, conceptually, who were one of the earliest people to wear them. The loincloth, worn thousands of years ago by them, is likely to be the first undergarment worn by humans and it evolved into the thong over the years. So, ironically, it was first worn by men in ancient times before it evolved into part of women’s lingerie in modern times.

The thong, originally called a V-back, are a special type of underwear that ride high on the hips and leave the bottom almost completely exposed. They were also worn for many years by exotic Brazilian dancers during festivals. Thongs also grew in popularity during the 80s in South America and were used as swimwear at the beaches. The popularity of the thong spread to various parts of the world in the late 80s.

In the US, the thong had to gain acceptance before it gained popularity. In the early 90s R&B vocalist Sisqo and his famous “Thong Song” helped with both. Today, the thong is one of the best selling styles of undergarment in the world. The size of the lingerie industry is said to be over $2 billion a year. The rest is history.

Because most articles of this nature are written by women, I thought it would be nice to offer a male point of view on the sex appeal of various types of panties and why men love them.


Commonly referred to as “butt floss” because they are made with the least amount of material, G-Strings are a woman’s best defense against panty lines. They are virtually invisible under snug or tight fitting pants. G-Strings look best on the woman who has a rounder, more well-defined ass.

For women who lack plumpness in that area, a G-String with a triangle back will add more definition to your buttocks and make them appear rounder in the way that thongs do. Thongs are best for visually enhancing and adding definition to less defined buttocks.


This is a relatively new G-String. It has a low front panel, which makes it smaller than a G-string. While I like the concept and the visual, Micro G-Strings seem very impractical and slightly uncomfortable, but very, very erotic. Perhaps best for “situational” use.


These are a hybrid between Thongs and G-String. They have more material and cover a greater portion of the buttocks than G-Strings. They also provide greater ass definition for those who need it, but lack the comfort of G-strings.


A C-String is a type of thong that has only a thin string connecting the front piece covering the vagina. Unlike the more popular G-String, V-String, and T-String, the C-String does not contain a waist band. It is held in place by a flexible frame which “clamps” onto the body. It looks more like a space age medical device, but clearly it’s easy to remove…which can have its benefits.


This thong has a wide waistband going around the back. The T shape is made by the juncture of the waistband part merging into the back material of the thong. This version of the thong is perhaps the least favorite among men. It looks and feels like a belt. The material in the waist seems excessive.


Boy shorts, also known as boy short panties, boys’ cut, booty shorts, shorties, tap panties or boy-leg briefs are a sort of lingerie that goes all the way down the hips. Some stop short of the length of the hip to reveal a portion of a woman’s “cheeks” for titillation. They are similar in style to male boxer shorts – but are tighter and of course, much sexier. Men like them because they are fun, flirty, and sensual. If you have nice, plump, round buttocks, boy shorts will accentuate your assets.


The classic bikini is still sexy – subtle, but sexy. They come in many variations. Bikini underwear can refer to virtually any undergarment that provides less coverage to the midsection than traditional underwear, panties or knickers. As much as men love the aforementioned panties, bikini briefs tend to outnumber most panties in a woman’s undergarment supply.


The ass bra allegedly enhances the lift, shape and volume of the ass while also flattening the lower tummy and shaping the thigh. That’s quite a lot to deliver on. My research revealed their average price to be $64.

How does it work? According to one website:

“Constructed of 3 high-tech layers…an inner and outer silky-soft layer made of a Nylon/Spandex blend creates a smooth seamless look under clothing. A high-compression latex middle layer provides breathable and flexible slimming of the tummy. A creative solution for those who want the illusion of slim and trim thighs, a tummy-tuck and a butt-lift without the use of padding.”


These are Bikini-style panties with either a peephole or a lace-up in the back, so named for the “cleavage” view they create. They don’t do much for men; though they seemingly provide women with more air, should they desire it.


These are…interesting panties which do away with backside fabric completely and are held up by a tight band underneath the buttocks which make them appear to be falling down. Hmm…can’t see the point of them.

On the Flirty Lingerie website I read the most powerful and intelligent statement about sexy panties…which was written by a woman:

“When a woman passes a mirror she may pause to see if she is all put together. That includes her hair, makeup, teeth and so on. Never is the focus on the panties she is wearing and perhaps rightfully so. I don’t advocate that a woman should check out her underwear throughout the day for obvious reasons. On the other hand…the clothes a woman wears make a statement about her sense of style, fashion sense and personality; therefore the choice of panties can, and does, make a difference in a woman’s wardrobe.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Gian Fiero is an educator, speaker and consultant. He specializes in business development, career planning, and personal growth issues. He is affiliated with San Francisco State University as an adjunct professor, and the United States Small Business Administration (SBA) as a business advisor where he conducts monthly workshops in addition to lecturing throughout the country.

The Proper Care & Maintenance Of Black Men

By Gian Fiero

The woman who loves a black man has a special challenge. She will have to be diligent in her efforts to understand a man who often has difficulty understanding himself. It’s not that we black men are being purposely or intentionally elusive; many of us simply don’t know how notto be that way.

It’s part conditioning, part programming, and part choice. Black men enter relationships with a myriad of complex emotions which are often intertwined with unresolved childhood issues, unique socioeconomic obstacles to overcome, and the cumulative effects of racism.

By the time we are ready to ‘settle down,’ our decision to do so is usually accompanied by trepidation. It’s not that we don’t want to commit; many of us just don’t know how to. Yes, we know conceptually what commitment means, but its definition is not reinforced by examples that we can see and emulate in our homes, our communities, in most of our friend’s relationships, or in our churches.

A random sampling of any urban radio station also reveals a subtle, yet insidious cultural affliction which undermines the value and respect for committed relationships: a gluttony of songs about being a player.

When black male teenagers inculcate these messages in their brains, it alters how they think about women, and how they view relationshipswith women. But they are not discouraged from listening to these types of songs. No one can do that; not even their parents who are usually trying to establish romantic relationships of their own, but more on that in a minute. At the very least, parents should encourage their young men to think about the misogynistic lyrics that they can recite better than the star spangled banner.

My many conversations with older black men about music in the 60s and 70s confirm one thing: the love song was alive and well back in the day. It was an integral part of the courtship strategy that black men used to ‘woo’ women. Smokey Robinson, Barry White, and TeddyPendergrass supplied the soundtrack and the lyrics which influenced the romantic aspirations and psyches of young black men.

Babyface carried the torch in the 80s. After that, ‘booty calls,’ ‘hook-ups,’ and ‘friends with benefits’ became – and still is – what the majority of Hip-Hop and R&B songs are about. You’d be hard-pressed to find a song which extols the virtues of being a family man, the love for one’s children, or a song that mentions the word ‘wife.’

Women have to view black men as computers. When they consider getting involved with a black man, they need to find out what programs the model of their computer comes loaded with. Ideally, you want a computer that’s equipped with the programs that cater to your needs, enable you to execute your daily functions, and fulfills your desires.

That’s not usually the case. Most women will have to add some programs, or do some reprogramming.

Because a successful relationship is really about having ongoing successful relations, the first area of concern -and undoubtedly the greatest challenge – is communication. ‘Black men don’t talk.’ I’ve heard this before. I’ve never been accused of it, but I’m aware of it. What’s interesting is that women don’t say that black men don’t talk before they get into bed with them. Chances are he talks just as much now as he did before you became lovers. The only difference is that you are listening to (and viewing) him differently. With your new level of intimacy, you have a stronger need (and desire) to connect with him verbally, not just sexually.

He doesn’t feel the same way.

Yes he pursued you. Yes he expressed his desire efficiently and convincingly in the beginning, but once in a relationship, black men tend to retreat to safety. It’s part of our conditioning. The vulnerability that we feel is juxtaposed with the strength (a.k.a ‘swagger’) that we superficially display. Unfortunately, we don’t know when to drop it, or display it in a different manner (e.g., with compassion, tenderness, or empathy). Have you ever heard someone say, ‘He’s got a compassionate swagger?’ Of course not. Swagger is all about confidence and strength. It protects us from other men, and makes us desirable to women. We just have to be programmed to know when it’s appropriate and safe to be swaggerless.

Because black men don’t talk openly and freely about the issues that affect them most (with their women or anyone else for that matter), they internalize a great deal of rage, anguish, and fear. Some manage it better than others, but we all have it to some degree. It stems from fragmented or non-existent relationships with our fathers, constantly being treated as perpetrators, and having to work two to three times harder than our white male peers to achieve the same success.

Unlike black women who benefit from the mental and emotional support of girlfriends, relatives, networks, or even co-workers, black men tend to be isolated – personally and professionally. On the surface, it would appear that black men are the kings of the jungle giving ‘pounds,’ handshakes, and random hugs to random people. To any onlooker it would appear that they know everyone.

Nothing is further from the truth. We thrive in the area of social status because we often lack status in other areas; the areas that count the most. Publicly, our social persona helps us maintain the appearance of being someone, and being liked. It also fortifies the illusion of our swagger.

Privately, we go through it. Black women have their mothers to call for reassurance and direction which they can draw strength and exemplification from on a wide range of topics. Black men have a longing for their father’s guidance, and a desire to be connected with other men to receive emotional support, but it’s not to be.

Presenting one’s self in a weak, needy, or distressed light to another black man obliterates the perception (a.k.a ‘a front’) which we black men work hard to create, and even harder to uphold. It makes the creation of a black male support system exceedingly and unnecessarily difficult. So we suffer alone to avert judgment.

For the black woman who is in a relationship with a black man, know that he does not experience – nor does he see – the world the way that you do. You were embraced both socially and professionally before we were. You’ve never been considered a threat, and you’ve received more opportunities as a result. The world that your black man lives in can feel like an uphill race. A good woman (i.e., a woman who understands her man and how to positively motivate him) can help a black man embrace his struggles, and not feel victimized by them.

Statistics show that black men are lagging far behind black women in education, professional accomplishments, starting businesses, and executive advancements. Yes, in the words of Aretha Franklin, ‘sisters are doin’ it for themselves,’ but they are doing it alone.

African-Americans have the lowest marriage rate out of all demographics. African-American women are three times as likely to never marry as their white counterparts – which has to be a contributing factor in 70 percent of black children being born out wedlock. Black men often feel displaced. They don’t see their place or their role in their homes when their women achieve the level of self-sufficiency that they have in the last decade.

Being in a relationship with a black man who feels displaced or undervalued is tough. What’s even tougher is reprogramming black men to see their own value; the value they hold to their women, and to their families. Any woman who is successful can’t help but to feel the urge to say, ‘Get it together and make it happen for yourself – I did!’

This phrase works better: ‘Get it together and make it happen for yourself. I know you can do it – your family is counting on you!’ Sometimes that’s precisely what’s needed. Who else is more qualified to tell him this than his woman? Tread with caution and employ diplomacy though; black men have hypersensitive egos underneath their bravado which is why they are hesitant to commit to marriage, the arena where all of the fronting comes to an end.

The black men who do marry are apparently a special breed. According to published reports by the U.S. Census Bureau, 45 percent of black men and 42 percent of black women have never been married. Of the black women who do get married, 52 percent of them will marry by age 30, compared to 81 percent of white women who are married at the same age.

In spite of that, 65% of never-married black women have children, double that of white women. 22% of never-married black women with incomes over $75,000 have children, which is 10 times that of white women. 85%of black children do not live in a home with their fathers. With the reality of these statistics, the magnitude of the problems concerning the proper care and maintenance of black men can’t be overlooked by the women who love them. These problems also can’t be overlooked by the black women and families that are plagued by them.

At the root of so many of the problems which afflict black men is self-love. From self-love comes self-respect. From self-respect comes honor and pride in who you are; not what you do or how much money you make. Self-love and self-worth are delicately intertwined.

Women can love their black men to death, but if they don’t love themselves, they will never feel deserving and worthy of the love and the life they are blessed to have. Black men must be reprogrammed to use self-love as a foundation upon which a greater love of life, and love for others can be built. Self-love and swagger may look the same from afar, but one emanates from the inside. Now you will be able to tell the difference when up close.

Gian Fiero is an educator, speaker and consultant. He is affiliated with San Francisco State University as an adjunct professor, and the United States Small Business Administration (SBA) as a business advisor where he conducts monthly workshops on topics such as business development, career planning, public relations, and personal growth.