Dean Sunseri, LPC

There are 3 levels of agreement. The first level is the lightest and most casual which we will call an agreement. An agreement is a simple commitment between two people, such as making an appointment to go to lunch next Friday at a certain restaurant.

The next level of agreement is a Contract. This type of agreement has some legal ramifications, and is often done in the form of writing. This type of agreement carries more responsibility, and more consequences if it is broken. An example is a contract to borrow money from a bank to purchase a house. A contract requires a higher level of commitment, and each party has more at risk.

The highest level of agreement is a Covenant. A covenant is the highest level of commitment a person can make with another person. A covenant is a permanent agreement that is made before God as the highest binding authority. A covenant is made for mutual benefit, and is characterized by making the other person just as important as oneself. A covenant is never entered into lightly, and when the covenant is made, it is bound by some type of intense ritual that creates a permanent imprint on both parties. Some examples of covenant rituals is the commingling of blood, branding of names or symbols in the skin or permanent placement of rings on one’s fingers. The covenant partner will maintain the covenant, even to laying down one’s life to keep the covenant. The covenant system has been lost in our modern life, yet marriage is an institution that needs us all to get back to understanding the power of what a covenant commitment can do for you.

A covenant is an irreversible decision to move into a friendship bond that is deeper than blood siblings. A Covenant Marriage is the highest level of commitment two people could make towards each other. The covenant agreement is made during the exchanging of vows, and the original purpose of the vows is to state before God the covenant agreement. The understanding is that all possessions, talents and assets become part of the new unit, and there is no more “I,” there is only “we.” The covenant marriage is really a trio covenant. It is the bonding of the bride, the groom and God, into a new unity.

Pre-marital counseling is an important aspect of developing a covenant marriage. The couple needs to understand the meaning of a covenant commitment. They need to explore levels of compatibility, and their ability to live the selfless life that a covenant demands. A covenant commitment can be made only by mature adults, and the level of maturity of each person needs to be assessed. The covenant terms, or marriage vows need to be clearly understood and discussed before entering into the covenant ceremony. Pre marital counseling can help the couple discern whether they are truly ready to make the covenant commitment.

A covenant marriage requires a full commitment, yet it provides the highest level of security in a marriage. It demands accountability to a partner and to God, yet it provides the deepest level of fulfillment. The covenant marriage requires the greatest risk, yet it gives the greatest amount of benefit that a marriage can possess. If you want a marriage that will last the test of time, consider making your marriage a covenant union.

Dean Sunseri, LPC is a minister and Licensed Professional Counselor who has helped prepare many couples for covenant marriage. Visit him at Haveavoice.com.

By Steve East

No marriage is perfect. That is a given.

Yours might be “on the rocks,” with an additional burden of discovering that your spouse “cheated” on you! It might seem hopeless at the moment, but there is one method that really “works” to save the whole situation.

I will propose a special plan that will include one crucial bit of advice.

First, are you experiencing the following symptoms?

Tense “discussions” over and over again

Playing the “silence” game

Avoidance of intimacy

Let me share this observation (about saving a marriage). It is NOT going to happen overnight. It will take some effort to make it work.

But, it can still be FUN!

There is almost no other way, let me explain.

You might be thinking to yourself ” how can this possibly be something enjoyable?” Like as if you are on the sinking “Titanic” and decide to dance to the music being played by the doomed band!

So, bear with me here. After weeks (or months) of negative emotions and miserable relations, here is what has to be done to rekindle the romance. Don’t forget, when you first met, something had to be very special between you two to convince each other to get married.

Step one:

Have a drink, then after that, sit down together on the sofa (each with a piece of paper). Write down five ideas for a special “date” to do something really interesting and exciting that you would truly enjoy sharing.

Then, compare and take the best ideas from each of you.

Step two:

With the “best agreed idea,” start to plan right away how to put it in action. Grab a calendar, circle the date and commit to following it through. Don’t let anything get in the way of this. Drop everything, and make this priority one.

This is extremely important right now. This seemingly simple action will help to move things forward instead of backwards!

It will show that you are both serious about rebuilding your relationship despite the ugly setbacks.

Step three:

The rules for your secret date are as follows.

A) Only the two of you are allowed to participate.

B) Commit to make a real effort to relax.

C) For this one night, do not bring up any potentially explosive issues. Be aware of the sensitive topics and forget about them for one evening.

D) Have some fun, smile, laugh and try to remember what it was like on your “real” first date.

E) Touch each other and try looking into each others’ eyes.

To summarize, it is crucial to inject “fun” into the complicated equation of restoring your marriage into a permanent union. That is the one ingredient necessary for this to work out. When you experience the joys of your early days over again, it will seem less traumatic to “forgive” the mistakes that were made before. The past cannot be changed, but the future can be wonderful if you both move on.

By William Defoore

Have you ever been afraid of really loving someone? Have you been afraid of letting someone really love you? Most of us have known this fear. To love and be loved is what we want more than anything, so why would we be so afraid of having the deep, intimate experience of loving and being loved?

Why do we feel the most fear and anger with those we love the most? Why is it that domestic violence is considered by the police to be the most dangerous situation they can walk into? These are important questions. Let’s consider some possible answers.

As adults, we “fall” in love. This experience of loving at some point reminds us of how we were hurt in past experiences of loving. Of course, we are afraid of being hurt, no matter how big, strong or healthy we may happen to be. So we try to protect ourselves. This is human nature.

It follows that the more we love, the more potential we have to be hurt, afraid and angry. Fortunately the love can grow and mature in such a way that the pain and fear are minimized and we no longer need anger for protection from those we love. This happens as our skill, strength, knowledge and awareness expand, allowing the more vulnerable inner core of love to grow and expand into the world around us.  So how does this happen in real life?

THE FIRST STEP TO TRUE INTIMACY

The first step to true intimacy is to know, understand and become intimate with yourself. Your self is what you bring into a relationship. If you don’t know this self or you feel ashamed of some part it, you will not be able or willing to share those aspects with your loved one. If there are wounds that have not healed, you will automatically hide and protect those wounded parts. You will not offer yourself fully to another, as is required for true intimacy, unless you feel good about the self you are offering.

This simply means that each of us must make a journey into ourselves to learn about our own defense mechanisms, to manage our fear and to heal our pain. Only then can we reach the healing core of love that is the heart of who we are. Only then will we be willing to allow someone else to really know and love us for all that we are.

The first part of ourselves we offer to others is what we consider to be our best self. We smile, shake hands or hug and act as if everything is just fine, whether it is or not. We show our social skills, demonstrate our knowledge and awareness in our conversation and try to give the impression of being a healthy, together person. This is the realm in which we operate at work or with people we don’t know very well. This is the part of ourselves we use to “make a good impression” on someone we like. This may even be all we really know of ourselves.

In school and throughout our lives, we have gained knowledge, skill, strength and awareness about the world around us–but we never really learned very much about ourselves. But it is your self that you are having trouble with. Your anger comes from you, not from somewhere else.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE DEFENSES?

One of the first things that happens when you start trying to get to know yourself is that you run into your own defense mechanisms. Defenses fall into two basic categories: fight and flight. In other words, we tend to protect and defend ourselves by either getting angry or getting out–of the situation.

Do you know how to take a break in a relationship to give yourself time to think and calm down? If not, are you trying to solve your problems with anger, and finding that you’re only making it worse? Do you shut down until you can’t stand it any more and then you explode in anger?

Don’t judge yourself at this point, just try to figure out what your defense strategies are.

Next ask yourself what you are afraid of when you are using these defense methods. Whether you know it or not, you are afraid of being hurt when you’re angry. Fear drives your anger. If you don’t know what your fear is, you will be blindly controlled by your anger.

Fear falls into two basic categories. We are either afraid of being attacked, assaulted, smothered or violated (something happening to us), or we are afraid of losing someone or something we love (feelings of rejection, abandonment and jealousy come into play here). All of your fears came from some past experience of pain.

To deal with your anger, you have to understand your fear. To understand your fear you have to understand and heal your pain.

We have all been hurt. That’s part of being human. If you don’t know your pain, you are unconsciously driven by efforts to avoid it happening again. This is what drives most of the anger problems we see in the world every day.

Your task is to learn how you were hurt, and heal those wounds. That will take the fire out from under your fear and anger, and you will be able to gain control.

You can do it. Don’t ever give up on yourself!

THE INTIMACY YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED

When you have experienced some emotional healing from your past wounds, you will be a more compassionate, empathetic and loving person. This will make your efforts at intimacy much more successful.

Intimacy is not just great romance, fun and affection. Intimacy is being close and connected through the hard times. Which means being comfortable with your own and your partner’s pain and fear.

I have found in my 30 plus years of counseling that when a person heals from her/his emotional wounds of the past, intimacy becomes possible for the first time. The skills are easy to learn, once you’re ready!

William DeFoore, Ph.D. is a counselor, speaker and coach who conducts workshops on anger management and emotional intelligence in personal and business relationships. Get information, watch videos and buy books, CDs and downloads at http://www.defoore.com