Are You In Love With A Woman That Has Commitment Phobia?

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By Cucan Pemo

A woman with commitment phobia always feels insecure and vulnerable when it comes to marriage. She wants to postpone the decision; is often confused and does not know how to get out of the relationship. Unlike men, women with commitment phobia don’t go around hunting for men. They develop natural relationships; relationships in which they believe but which they are not willing to sustain. In the process they not only hurt men but also hurt themselves.

They find it very difficult to get out of such relationships. There is a feeling of guilt; sometimes even of remorse. But these feelings are overpowered by a strong feeling of fear. There is a great reluctance to approach the subject of marriage. At the same time, there is despair too. They don’t want to let go the man who has brought such happiness in their lives. But they only end up leaving their partners confused, bewildered and angry.

Why do women turn into commitment phobes

The psychologists see a clear relationship between commitment phobia and a traumatic childhood. Their studies show that women who suffer from commitment phobia are deeply influenced by their childhood experiences that have seared their subconscious minds and given birth to such unrealistic fears.

According to the psychologists, commitment phobia can be caused by any of the following three situations that a child may have undergone during her formative years:

1. Death of a parent: Children may not show grief but they are very sensitive. A few of them may find it very difficult to accept the passing of their father or mother to whom they were deeply attached. Some of them can’t bear to see the grief of their father or mother. This is when their mind decides that they should not allow themselves to get into similar situations. The logic is that there will be no grief if there is no long-term relationship.

2. A messy divorce: There are many children who go into a shell when they see their parents bickering over small things, and finally breaking up. There are some girls who cannot reconcile themselves to their stepfathers or stepmothers and cannot forgive their parents for what they have done to their lives. Marriage to these girls seems to be a relationship where they can only expect bitterness and hurt. That is why they are so keen to avoid the “imagined” pains of marriage.

3. Abusive relationship: Some girls are never able to get over the abuses inflicted by their parents, especially their fathers. They therefore do not want to surrender to men once again, but want to prize their independence much more. They are mortally scared to risk an unhappy wedding or another abusive relationship.

A fourth reason for women avoiding long-term relationships is purely professional. They may enter into a relationship at a time when their career is poised to take off. They are so attached to their career prospects that they are not willing to compromise on them. Instead they want to postpone the marriage to a future date, which, in most cases, never comes. But such successful women invariably attract men who want to possess them.

How to spot a commitment phobe

It is not easy to spot women who suffer from commitment phobia. They do not go around lavishing love and affection freely, or trying to seduce every man who catches their fancy. In fact, they appear more vulnerable and insecure, triggering relationships where a man wants to protect them. This is how most such relationships begin.

However, the men do not know what they are doing. They are involuntarily getting sucked into a relationship that does not have a future. The best they can do is to probe why the woman for whom they feel so strongly has not found a partner. It should strike them as odd if the woman tells them that her relationships are invariably short. They may, of course, be blinded by love and believe that it would not happen to them. But then they will be making a big mistake.

A better option would be to make the woman talk about herself and her early life, to understand why she has had such unstable relationships. This can make the woman share her fears, however unrealistic they are. The man can throw a protective umbrella around her, and offer her security that she has all along been missing. But there is no guarantee that the woman will be able to exorcise her fears. The relationship may still end on a note of unhappiness and bitterness with the woman pushing her partner away, but the partner refusing to let her go and suffer her fears alone.

Can counseling help?

A last resort is to convince the commitment phobe to seek professional help. A trained psychologist may be able to wipe the fears away. A hypnotist can also be able to remove the fears of the past. But much depends on how much the woman is willing to open herself, and how much emotional support the man is willing to bring to the relationship.

There is always the possibility that the commitment phobe may be able to exorcise her fears. But it is also possible these fears may return to haunt her after marriage. Then you can be sure that the marriage will be short-lived. It will not be able to withstand the hallucinations and unrealistic fears of a commitment phobe.

In the other situation, where a woman places her career first, the man must be ready to compromise. He should never question her priorities even if it hurts his male ego every day or every week. Once again, this is not going to be a stable relationship, and will die sooner than later.

Discover how you can easily bring back the Love of Your Life and read more from Cucan Pemo at http://www.retrievealover.com

I Ain’t Feelin’ My Husband BECAUSE He Has NO HUSTLE!!!!

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VIDEO: I met my husband online. I was living in the UK at the time and he was in the USA, where he was born and raised. He wanted to be the one to pay for mine and my daughter’s plane tickets, while I sold my furniture and books, so that I could sort out the other expenses. As we got nearer the date for us to fly over to the USA, my then boyfriend, was struggling extremely to raise the money. Please bear in mind that his only source of income was selling books. He kept giving me his word and sharing his plans for the next set date to fly, and then the next, but he was just not putting in the time or the effort to actually go out and sell those books. It burns me to say that I saw those red flags to wait and see if this man was a diligent one, who could take care of business. Cutting a long story short, after help from others, we arrived in the USA. We were only supposed to live with his grandma for two weeks, and then move into our own place which his uncle was giving up. Well, that plan fell through, and my husband didn’t have a plan b, and still his only source of income was the books. We ended up staying at his grandma’s for six weeks and everyday we argued, even violently at times because he refused to get a second job so that we could eat, be clothed, and get our own place. This caused much war with his family getting involved, and we were kicked out of Grandma’s home. After much arguing, he finally applied for a previous job, and worked only one week, before deciding that he is going to drop it and return to selling literature. We are now living with friends, and we have no money for food, clothing and certainly nothing to get our own apartment. I have pushed and pushed him to go out there and apply for jobs, and he has made the least attempts, but his thing is is that God has called him to sell Christian books! But the man wakes up any hour of the day, and leaves in the afternoon/evening, and expects to get a full day’s wage!!! My twelve year old daughter and I are in dire straits. I told him that we are returning to the UK in March, and everyone has told me don’t do it, but at least that way I can work and support me and my child. Our arguments are escalating and affecting everyone around. I have come to the point where I feel nothing but resentment to him. I don’t want him to touch me; I don’t want to even sleep in the same bed as him, and my respect for him and his for me has totally died. I am so sorry that this is long winded. I have given up on his promises and being made to feel bad by his friends and family for expecting my husband to go get a job and support his family. I cry everyday, and I feel that he is slowing me down, and suffocating the hard working, ambitious woman that I am. What advice would you give?

Saving Your Marriage Needs “ONE” Vital Ingredient!

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By Steve East

No marriage is perfect. That is a given.

 

Yours might be “on the rocks,” with an additional burden of discovering that your spouse “cheated” on you! It might seem hopeless at the moment, but there is one method that really “works” to save the whole situation.

 

I will propose a special plan that will include one crucial bit of advice.

 

First, are you experiencing the following symptoms?

 

Tense “discussions” over and over again

 

Playing the “silence” game

 

Avoidance of intimacy

 

Let me share this observation (about saving a marriage). It is NOT going to happen overnight. It will take some effort to make it work.

 

But, it can still be FUN!

 

There is almost no other way, let me explain.

 

You might be thinking to yourself ” how can this possibly be something enjoyable?” Like as if you are on the sinking “Titanic” and decide to dance to the music being played by the doomed band!

 

So, bear with me here. After weeks (or months) of negative emotions and miserable relations, here is what has to be done to rekindle the romance. Don’t forget, when you first met, something had to be very special between you two to convince each other to get married.

 

Step one:

Have a drink, then after that, sit down together on the sofa (each with a piece of paper). Write down five ideas for a special “date” to do something really interesting and exciting that you would truly enjoy sharing.

 

Then, compare and take the best ideas from each of you.

 

Step two:

With the “best agreed idea,” start to plan right away how to put it in action. Grab a calendar, circle the date and commit to following it through. Don’t let anything get in the way of this. Drop everything, and make this priority one.

 

This is extremely important right now. This seemingly simple action will help to move things forward instead of backwards!

 

It will show that you are both serious about rebuilding your relationship despite the ugly setbacks.

 

Step three:

The rules for your secret date are as follows.

 

A) Only the two of you are allowed to participate.

 

B) Commit to make a real effort to relax.

 

C) For this one night, do not bring up any potentially explosive issues. Be aware of the sensitive topics and forget about them for one evening.

 

D) Have some fun, smile, laugh and try to remember what it was like on your “real” first date.

 

E) Touch each other and try looking into each others’ eyes.

 

To summarize, it is crucial to inject “fun” into the complicated equation of restoring your marriage into a permanent union. That is the one ingredient necessary for this to work out. When you experience the joys of your early days over again, it will seem less traumatic to “forgive” the mistakes that were made before. The past cannot be changed, but the future can be wonderful if you both move on.

Is Married Life The Easy Life?

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By David Clyman

People often dream of the wonderful life they’ll have once they’re married. Unfortunately, many of these dreams are short-lived. The reality of married life — that it requires extraordinary effort -– usually “hits home” within 24 hours after the wedding! And then you start wondering: What did I get into?

When I decided to get married, I knew there were many things about married life I didn’t yet understand. I was blessed to have a teacher who gave me some good advice. I remember my first “prep course” like it was yesterday. He told me, “David, just remember, marriage is for pleasure.” I took his words to heart and to paper.

Then I asked him for additional advice. He responded, “You don’t understand the first thing I told you.” I looked down at my notes and read back his words: “Marriage is for pleasure.”

I thought I understood the meaning of these four simple words. I wanted to get married because of the “good life” I associated with this commitment. It was then that my teacher taught me a lesson that created a paradigm shift within my understanding of relationships.

He said, “David, when I said, ‘marriage is for pleasure,’ you didn’t hear ‘pleasure,’ you heard ‘comfort.’ Don’t confuse the two. Marriage isn’t for comfort. It is for pleasure. If you think that being married is easier than being single, don’t get married, because you’re in for a big surprise. There’s a high price that you pay to create and maintain a happy marriage. You’ve got to be willing to pay that price.”

To get married and to stay happily married, know that marriage will entail hard work.

People who take the time to understand this statement -– marriage is for pleasure, not for comfort -– learn the number one rule for a successful relationship: “To get married and to stay happily married, know that marriage will entail hard work.” It’s not always comfortable. There will be painful issues to work out and disagreements are inevitable. The Boy Scout motto couldn’t be more apropos: Be prepared.

SEEKING PLEASURE

Most people seek a pleasurable life. Not all of life’s pleasures are equal, the same way that not all cars are equal. How can you compare a Buick to a Rolls Royce? If you take the time to list your pleasures you’ll discover how diverse the pleasures are. Your list might include Hagan Dasz coffee ice cream (my favorite), sleeping on a water bed, running a marathon, giving birth (not my favorite), winning the Lotto, completing your Ph.D. or breaking a smoking habit.

Some of these pleasures have more meaning for you than others. What’s the determining factor? The achievements that “cost” you more are the ones that mean more to you. When you invest more of yourself, your sense of satisfaction increases proportionately.

When you invest more of yourself, your sense of satisfaction increases proportionately.

Let me demonstrate. Ask a parent, “What’s your greatest pleasure in life?” Chances are they’ll say, “My children.” Ask them, “And what’s your greatest pain in life?” Ten out of ten will say, “My children!” Are these two statements mutually exclusive? No. Because my children are my biggest pain and they are also my biggest pleasure! On the flip-side, if the price I pay is insignificant, the permanence of my accomplishment is short-lived. As the cliche attests: “easy come, easy go.”

Ask a friend, “What’s the opposite of pain?” Most people will say, “Pleasure.” Pleasure is the wrong answer. The opposite of pain is the absence of pain, i.e., comfort. When I don’t have a toothache I’m not full of pleasure — but I’m not in pain either. I’m just comfortable.

To get pleasure you have to actively do something.

The famous physical fitness instructor, Jack Lalane, taught the world “no pain, no gain.” His success principle is not only true for staying in shape, it applies to all of life -– especially to marriage. The pain for gain in married life can be disbursed in a variety of ways -– having to agree on how to reallocate household monies, working on character flaws, deepening emotional commitments or developing a shared life mission with your spouse. Some of these actions are hard choices that require “biting-the-bullet,” but these choices will unquestionably enhance your relationship.

THE STARK REALITY

Marriage is for pleasure, not for comfort. If you want a comfortable life, stay single. On the other hand, if you want the pleasure of having a meaningful relationship, get married. Just remember, this pleasure comes with a price.

So when you start having a “bumpy ride” in your relationship, don’t be surprised. Expect it. Relationships are never easy -– even in the best marriages. There will always be things to work out, sacrifices to be made, and changes that we each must undertake to accommodate our spouse.

Being married is like having a second job.

It’s like my teacher told me: “Being married is like having a second job.” Don’t think that coming home to your spouse means you can lay back, kick off your shoes and vegetate in your comfort zone. Remind yourself, right before you open the front door of your home, “my second job is about to begin.” If you’re ready and willing to “roll up your sleeves” and work on your relationship, you’ve got a good chance to successfully live out many of your married-life dreams.

Rabbi David Clyman lives in Manhattan, teaches at Aish.com and publishes “Strategies & Solutions for Successful Relationships”

Love, Marriage, And Money: 5 Secrets To Success

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By Herman G. Mermmyer III

1. Open discussion with no Secrets
As you are courting you may experience many topics of conversation, many much more taboo than money… such as sexual topics, politics or even religion. All of these seem to be much more readily addressed than Finance.   A 2008 survey by Smart Money/Redbook found that 36 percent of men and 40 percent of women confessed they had been less than honest with their spouse about what they had paid for an item. The clear start should be a fully open conversation about your full financial situation. Discuss your salary or wages, your debt, your spending habits, and any other obligations you may have financially. Then set Goals with your partner discuss your dreams and visions. Find common ground and build on those concepts.

2. My money is your money
Let’s not draw lines in the sand and create boundaries. Even if one partner is the sole provider of the home does not mean that that person should have all control over all financial decisions. Use your money evenly give a little take a little after all you are working for the same goals hopefully.

3. His hers or ours?
To combine or not to combine that is the question. If you are a couple without a lot of assets, a joint account can work well. This allows you to develop your own financial momentum as a couple. If you’re a more established couple or going into a second marriage, separate accounts may make sense. You both may already have successful careers and financial systems set up that you want to keep intact. This is also a good option if one partner has credit card debt that the other doesn’t want to absorb. One more option is to have a a bit of both words joint accounts for living expenses and household items and separate accounts for personal spending. For example, you could put 10 percent of your income in personal accounts and put the remainder in the household or joint account.

4. The only thing that stays the same is change
As you grow into your marriage, your money concerns are likely to be change and grow as well. They will be different from those you had when you first walked down the aisle. You need to discuss these issues; you should discuss your big money picture at least once a year and potentially have a budgeting meeting to discuss smaller monetary topics monthly. Make sure your plans mesh. Retirement and investing goals are an important piece of the family financial strategy. If one’s 401(k) is invested solely in high-risk funds, the other partner may want to diversify more. Continue to work towards each other’s desires and goals — from taking vacations or buying a home to having children. Talk about the “what ifs.” What if one partner loses his or her job? What if one wants to go back to school? What if someone gets a job in another part of the country? What about early retirement or economic downturns? The more prepared you are the better you will handle the crisis if and when it comes.

5. Plan for the future even the tough topics
There are some topics that nobody likes to talk about but that need to be discussed, especially when children are involved. First and foremost, make sure you have a will. If you don’t make a will before your death, state law will determine who gets your property, or worse yet, even raise your children. You also want to consider life insurance to provide for your family if you pass on. Finally, talk about a prenuptial agreement if one of you has kids or you’re entering a marriage where one partner has a great deal more in assets than the other.

Herman is a writer and internet marketer with financialboat.com for more information please visit the site and see what we have to offer. it is our goal to help people to achieve personal financial freedom through financial planning budgeting tip and investment strategies.

Do Opposites Really Attract?

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By Molly Owens

It’s the classic story of the Odd Couple: she’s the life of the party, while he gives any excuse to leave early. He’s orderly and fastidious, while she leaves milk on the counter and clothes on the floor. He’s logical, she’s emotional; he’s from Mars, she’s from Venus. Much is made of the idea that opposites attract, and we all know at least one of these “odd couples” that makes a relationship work despite major differences. But is it true that opposites attract? And more importantly, what makes for the most successful relationship-a stimulating opposite or a comforting soulmate?

Many researchers have set out to answer this question. In order to classify their subjects’ differences, compatibility researchers often use Myers-Briggs personality typing. The Myers Briggs Type Indicator is the most common personality inventory in the world, and provides an easy-to-understand basis for studies on compatibility. The Myers-Briggs theory asserts that our fundamental differences in thinking, making decisions, and organizing our lives can be understood by measuring our preferences in four key areas:

• Extraversion/Introversion: This scale refers to where you focus attention and get your energy. Extraverts are focused on the external world and other people, and are energized by external stimulation and interaction with others. Introverts are more focused on their internal world, thoughts, ideas, and feelings, and get energy from spending time in solitary activity or quiet reflection.

• Sensing/Intuition: This scale refers to how you prefer to take in information. Sensors gather information in a very concrete, detail-oriented, and factual way. They tend to be practical and oriented to the present moment. Intuitives tend to be more abstract in their perceptions, and tend to think more about meaning, connections, and possibilities. Intuitives are often more imaginative than realistic.

• Thinking/Feeling: This scale refers to how you prefer to make decisions. Thinkers prefer decisions that are based on facts or data, and like to reason things out logically. Feelers prefer decisions that are consistent with their values and help to build harmonious relationships.

• Judging/Perceiving: This scale refers to how you prefer to organize your life. Judgers tend to prefer structure, schedules, and plans. They like clear expectations and feel accomplishment from completing tasks. Perceivers prefer an open-ended, spontaneous and flexible existence. They enjoy feeling that their options are open and that there are many possibilities available.

When researchers have analyzed couples’ satisfaction, the factors most associated with happy couples were those that we’ve heard all along: good communication, common values and interests, and the ability to work out disagreements calmly and openly. But when researchers Barbara Barron-Tieger and Paul Tieger studied the Myers-Briggs personality type of several hundred couples, they found that the more type preferences a couple had in common, the more satisfied they were with their communication. While opposites may attract, it seems to be easier to maintain a relationship with someone who is similar to yourself.

However, this does not mean that you must find your exact type in order to build a good relationship. In fact, the most common pairing is between two people with just two type preferences in common (for instance, ISTP with ESTJ). Researchers have also found that some type preferences are more important than others when determining compatibility, and that some types are especially likely to clash.

In a 1981 study, researcher Ruth Sherman found that differences on the Extraversion/Introversion scale caused the most conflict in long-term relationships. In particular, combinations of Extraverted women with Introverted men caused frustration, perhaps because this dynamic goes against our traditional concept of the man being the more expressive and dominant partner. However, this effect was found in a study that is over 20 years old. As we become more progressive in our relationships and more open to equality, differences in this preference area may become less important.

The Sensing/Intuition scale seems to play a key role in attraction. Studies by Isabel Briggs Myers and others have found that people tend to be drawn to partners who share their preference on this scale. When couples have a Sensing or Intuitive preference in common, they will tend to view the world in a fundamentally similar way. Couples with the same preference on this scale may find it easier to understand each other, and are more likely to feel they are speaking the same language.

While similarity on the Sensing/Intuition scale may determine attraction, long-term compatibility appears to be much more complicated. The last three scales-S/N, T/F, and J/P-play a complex role in determining compatibility. These scales have a fundamental effect on the way we communicate and prioritize our lives, and so have the potential to cause misunderstandings, miscommunication, and opposing goals in relationships where preference differences exist.

When researchers Tieger and Barron-Tieger examined couples on the S/N, T/F, and J/P scales, they found that, in general, more similar couples experienced a higher rate of satisfaction with their partner. However, there were some combinations that worked well despite having fewer preferences in common, and some pairings of similar partners that weren’t quite so successful. Some examples:

• Sensing Judgers (ESTJ, ESFJ, ISTJ, ISFJ) have a satisfaction rate of 79% when paired with other Sensing Judgers. These types tend to be traditionalists who value and honor their commitments.

• Intuitive Feelers (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ) have a satisfaction rate of 73% when paired with each other. Intuitive Feelers tend to place a high value on relationships and are the most likely of all the types to devote themselves to healthy relationships and open communication.

• Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving types (INFP and ENFP) had a satisfaction rate of only 42% when they were paired with Sensing, Thinking, Judging types (ESTJ and ISTJ), although this was one of the more common pairings among the couples studied. The NFP partner is likely to feel that their partner is conservative and stifling, while the STJ partner may find their partner unpredictable and unreliable.

• When partners have a Feeling preference in common, this can compensate for differences in other areas, perhaps due to Feelers’ inclination to spend more time and energy on their relationships in general. Specifically, Sensing, Feeling Judgers (ESFJ and ISFJ) reported an 86% satisfaction rate when paired with Intuitive, Feeling Perceivers (ENFP and INFP). They had a 67% satisfaction rate when coupled with Intuitive, Feeling Judgers (ENFJ and INFJ).

• In some cases, having similar type preferences did not mean higher satisfaction. Sensing, Thinking and Perceiving types (ISTP and ESTP) had only a 33% satisfaction rate when paired with other STPs. The researchers theorized that this is due to their findings that ESTPs and ISTPs are the least concerned of all the types with the quality of their relationships.

• Similarly, Intuitive Thinking types (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ) have only a 59% satisfaction rate when paired with another Intuitive Thinker. These types tend to be among the most critical of their partners and may be harder to please in general.

Additional research, led by Nancy Marioles, PhD. at St. Mary’s University, provides important data on marriage patterns among the types.

• Some types are more likely to marry a person of their exact same type; this includes male INFPs, INFJs and INTPs and female ENFJs and INFJs.

• There are two combinations where opposites seem to attract: ESTJ men with INFP women, and ESTP men with INFJ women. However, this may be due in part to the fact that these two types of men are also the most likely to be married multiple times.

• Some types showed greater partner dissatisfaction in general. Women married to INTP men had the highest level of dissatisfaction, at 31%. INTP is one of the least common types in the population, and INTPs may find it especially important to find a like-minded partner.

We can see that overall, couples find more satisfaction when paired with a similar partner. However, researchers stress that in all of their findings, communication, common interests, and the quality of the couple’s friendship were the most crucial factors in determining relationship success. While it may be easier to achieve these goals with a partner who is similar to you, it is absolutely possible even when significant differences exist. When couples make an effort to understand and appreciate their differences, they can turn what might be a problem or source of conflict into an asset for their partnership.

Couples with personality differences who find ways to support and understand each other often find their relationships especially rewarding. Partners with type differences are able to stimulate and challenge each other, and will learn from each other in a way that similar partners cannot. They can also make more effective teams because they are able to notice and compensate for each other’s blind spots. Recognizing how your partner is thinking and appreciating the value of his or her perspective, whether or not it agrees with yours, is crucial to a successful relationship.

While compatibility research can be interesting and informative, it is important to remember that every relationship is individual, and every couple can learn better communication skills. When it comes to relationship satisfaction, the big three factors-communication, trust, and respect-can be achieved by any type combination.

Molly Owens holds a B.A in Psychology and has completed graduate work in counseling. She founded PersonalityDesk to provide Myers Briggs personality tests and career tests online. Learn how to take the Myers Briggs Type Indicator test online at PersonalityDesk.com.

You Need To COMPLETELY Commit In Order To COMPLETELY Connect

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VIDEO: How many times have you heard us say that when it comes to relationships, “You get out what you put in.”  You can’t give a half ass effort in your relationship and expect to experience wholehearted love.  It just doesn’t work that way.  You need to completely commit in order to completely connect.  No…it’s not easy.  Yes…it is possible.  The first order of business if you want to experience marital bliss is to commit to the process.  COMMIT.  Get off the fence.  Get beyond the ambiguity.  Decide despite the trepidation to COMPLETELY commit so you can COMPLETELY connect.

10 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

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By: Margaret Paul, Ph.d

“My parents had a very good relationship,” I often hear my clients say.

“What do you mean by good?” I ask.

“They didn’t fight. They spent a lot of time with each other.”

That may have been the definition of a good relationship years ago, but now most people want more. Following are ten signs of a healthy relationship.

KINDNESS

Is kindness more important to each of you than having your way, being in control, or being right? Do you each receive joy out of being kind to each other? Being kind rather than controlling with each other is essential for a healthy relationship.

SPONTANEOUS WARMTH AND AFFECTION

Do you and your partner well up with warmth and fullness of heart for each other and express it with affection? Are you each able to see the beautiful essence within each other, rather than just the faults? Are you able to get beyond the outer to the unique inner Self of each other? Do you enjoy sharing affection? Warmth and affection are vital for a healthy relationship.

LAUGHTER AND FUN

Can the two of you laugh and play together? Do you appreciate and enjoy each other’s sense of humor? In the midst of difficulties, can you help each other to lighten up with humor? Can you let down and be playful with each other, letting yourselves be like kids together? Laughter and fun play a huge role in a healthy relationship.

ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER AND TIME APART

Are you both each other’s favorite person to spend time with? Are you motivated to set aside time just to be together?

Do both of you have friends and interests that you enjoy doing? Are both of you fine when you are not together?

Some couples spend a lot of time together because they really enjoy it, while others spend a lot of time together out of fear of being alone. It is important for a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests, so that they are not dependent on each other. Dependency is not healthy in a relationship, particularly emotional dependency.

A METHOD FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

All relationships have some conflict. It is not the conflict that is the issue, but how you deal with it. Do you have a method for resolving conflict, or do the issues just keep getting swept aside? If fighting is part of how you deal with conflict, do you fight fair, or are you hurtful when you fight?

LETTING GO OF ANGER

If one or both of you get angry, do you hang on to it, punishing your partner with it, or can you easily let it go? In healthy relationships, both partners are able to quickly move on, back into kindness and affection.

TRUST IN YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER

Do you each trust that the love is solid, even in very difficult times between you? Do you each know that you can mess up, fail, disappoint the other, emotionally hurt the other – and the love will still be there? Do you each know that the love is about who you are, not what you do? This level of trust is essential for a healthy relationship.

LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTING AND LEARNING

Do you each feel heard, understood and accepted? Can you share your secrets with your partner without fearing being judged? Are you each more interested in learning about yourselves and each other than you are in controlling each other? Is listening to each other with an open heart and a desire to understand more important than judging each other or defending yourselves?

SEXUALITY

Is your sexual relationship warm and caring? Can you be sexually spontaneous? Can you talk with each other about what brings pleasure to each of you?

FREEDOM TO BE YOURSELF

Do you each feel free to be all that you are? Do you each feel supported in pursuing what brings you joy? Does your partner feel joy for your joy?

While some people may naturally be open, kind, affectionate, accepting, and emotionally responsible for themselves, most people need to heal the fears and false beliefs they learned in their families. Healthy relationships evolve as each person evolves in his or her ability to be loving to themselves and each other.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.comor email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Where Is The “Safe Space” In Your Relationship?

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By Team BLAM

Where is the safe space in your relationship?  Do you have rituals that you and and your spouse engage in TOGETHER that shifts your mental and emotional atmosphere in such a way that you to feel secure in the midst of chaos.  Is there some place in your relationship where you can slowly close your eyes and relax because you know in this space there’s stillness?  When you dance with your spouse? When you hold your spouse’s hand? When you gaze into their eyes? When you kiss?  When you’re in each other’s arms?  Where is the safe space in your relationship?

We ask this question because there will be times in your relationship when you get tired.  There will be times when even the idea of another word spoken is exhausting.  There will be times when you’re wore the hell out.  There will be times when you just flat out don’t feel like fighting anymore and you’ll need a safe space to be able to express that.

One way to assess the emotional maturity of your relationship is to ask yourself do you feel comfortable telling your spouse “I don’t feel like fighting anymore”?  Do you feel comfortable telling your spouse that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break whether it be with the kids, with work, with life, with whateva?  When you express that…how does your spouse respond?  Is he/she supportive?  Do they provide that safe space for you or are they critical when you take the risk to convey “I don’t feel like fighting anymore”?

If you don’t feel comfortable expressing to your spouse that you need to take a moment to “tap out”…that’s a problem.  If you don’t feel comfortable acknowledging that you’re not on your “A” game right now…and truthfully you’re barely getting a “F”….that’s a problem.  If you’re not o.k. saying baby I need you to handle “this”, because you just don’t have it in you….that’s a problem.  You need room in your relationship to express the range of emotions that you’re going to experience.

An admission of a feeling is not resignation to a permanent state of being, it’s just an expression of where you are emotionally in that moment.  Just because you say you need a break it doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily gonna take a break.  You may …or may not.  More importantly, as we work through our relationships we need to know that at some point we all will want to say to our significant other, “I don’t feel like fighting anymore”.  And it’s in that moment of vulnerability, that what we want most from our spouse is for them to simply UNDERSTAND.

4 Ways To Reconnect And Save A Failing Marriage

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By Minnisha DeGrate

The thought of your marriage failing can be so overwhelming and scary that you’re too afraid to take action. Considering we are an imperfect people , it is only logical to think that our marriages will become strained at one time or another. However, in knowing this we ought to also be aware that these are the moments in marriage that can matter most. These moments are the opportunities for the bond in your marriage to grow , or mark the moments your marriage began to fail.

1. Focus on Attraction-

Reflect on the positive things your marriage was first built on, such as remembering why what brought you two together. Focus on the character traits that attracted you to your partner. For instance , sense of humor, uniqueness, common interest, physical appearance, or even any of the smallest things you can think of. Make an effort to rekindle that romance and reconnect with your partner. It’s easy to get distracted with the everyday stress of life and displace these feelings.

2. Touch Just To Touch-

Make it an obvious point to touch your partner, just for the sake of touching. Emotional resilience frequently keep us from getting near to the ones we care most for, but that it doesn’t cruel that the desire to do so isn’t there. These are times when unconditional love exposes itself in marriages, and this alone can in some cases turn a failing marriage around. Even one thing as simple as brushing against your wife/husband as you pass one another in the hall way. Small efforts can often times yield enormous results.

3. Kissing Your Partner –

Kissing is much different than touching your wife/husband. Kissing someone is no accident, it is a display of intentional affection in your marriage. Kissing can lead to a unforgettable passionate moments. And in an instance, the miserable marriage you thought was falling apart, has managed to save itself.

4. A Fresh Start Everyday-

Strive to permit each unused day to be a fresh start in your marriage, don’t make your marriage miserable by adding yesterday’s brief comings to each unused day. We are all human, but in the institution of marriage we often hold our partners to unrealistic standards.

In conclusion, we all know that in life our efforts don’t always give us the results we would like to have. Without ever trying we will never know what results our efforts could deliver to us in return. Walking elsewhere from a marriage that’s failed, no matter what caused it to fail, is never easy. However, if you take the initiative now , and at least try to save your marriage. I truly do believe with success or failure, you will be able to go on knowing you tried your very best. Always wishing my own readers the best!

Minnisha DeGrate [Williams] is the CEO and Founder of Tankum’s Legacy; she is a full time writer, Webmaster, Internet Marketing Researcher, and Co-CEO of L&R HR Consulting and Staffing Service. Minnisha also travels and dedicates time to motivational speaking; she strives to encourage others through compassionate works. You can find more of her work at www.minnisha.com