5 Ways To Create An Emotionally Safe Space In Your Relationship

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The lines of communication in your relationship will ALWAYS be cluttered, compromised, or closed if you fail to create a safe space for effective communication to occur.  It’s not complicated. The reason why your man won’t open up and share his intimate thoughts and feelings with you is because it’s not safe for him to do so.  The reason why your wife won’t share her desires or insecurities with you is because it’s not safe to do so.  When you feel safe you’re more willing to let down your guard and be your most authentic self.  You want to feel safe….right?  Below are 5 tips from Michael Fehlauer that will definitely put you on the right track to creating a safe space in your relationship.

1. Safe relationships involve suspending judgment –I can’t begin to recount the times I’ve jumped to conclusions regarding my judgment of someone’s motives.Even though “what” someone has done is clear, “why” they did it is rarely as obvious. It takes time and patience to discover what is in someone’s heart and what motive was behind their behavior.

2. Safe relationships involve celebrating differences – The difference between you and others is a reason for celebration. The beauty of the distinction between you, your friends, your mate and your family members can be likened to the genius of the different parts of the human body having unique functions, yet contributing to the health of the whole body.

3. Safe relationships involve honoring others – We demonstrate honor to others by respecting their perspective and opinions. When we allow others to express their views and feelings, we are communication the fact that they have value. In the Bible we read, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” [Romans 12:10]

4. Safe relationships involve being trustworthy – Tom Peters, businessman and author says,” Technique and technology are important, but adding trust is the issue of the decade.” Mahatma Gandhi said, “The moment there is suspicion about a person’s motives, everything he does becomes tainted.”

Trust is a function of both character and competence. Consequently, strive to follow through with your promises – both in word and performance.

5. Safe relationships involve respecting boundaries – Often when people feel threatened or insecure they will erect an emotional wall of protection. Resist the temptation to knock down the wall and force yourself through their boundaries. Instead through patience and understanding, create a climate where the other person feels safe enough to begin to lower the wall of protection on their own and in their own time.

Michael Fehlauer has been married to Bonnie over 30 years. They have experienced both the height of success and the devastation of failure. As a result, Michael Fehlauer and Bonnie Fehlauer have a strong desire to see the same healing they have experienced happen in the lives of others. Michael Fehlauer and Bonnie Fehlauer have traveled extensively throughout the world holding marriage and family conferences. To see more of their work visit Relationshipbuilder.com

The Real Reason Behind Marriage And Money Problems

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By David Roppo

Without question, money problems are at the root of a substantial number of marital crises. In fact, according to most sources this issue ranks within the top 4 reasons for divorce – sharing the stage with the likes of infidelity, communication and emotional abuse. And typically, the mainstream approach to overcoming this dilemma has been to manage it on the surface with the following advice:

  1. Agree on a budget
  2. Set goals
  3. Communicate
  4. Open separate checking accounts

 

Now, I wouldn’t dispute the possibility that these common sense recommendations could prove to be helpful when it comes to couples fighting about money. However, none of them will amount to a hill of beans if you don’t fix the root of the problem! You see, most marital issues are merely a symptom of a much larger underlying problem. Take infidelity for example. The reason most people cheat on their partner is the loss of an emotional connection caused by fears, insecurities and low self-esteem. Another example would be lack of communication. People don’t communicate with their partner as a result of their critical, argumentative, smothering, clingy, needy or controlling behavior. Plain and simple, they don’t want to be around that behavior. Therefore, they withdrawal and the communication diminishes or ceases altogether.

Subsequently, money problems are no exception! Sure, when the wallet gets a bit lighter or there’s not enough money in the account to pay the bills because of a poor economy, the situation may be exacerbated or inflamed. But, two partners that are well grounded and aren’t struggling with fears and self-limiting beliefs will usually work through those tough times. At the end of the day, if spending money matters in a relationship, perhaps you’re not spending enough emotional currency on the things that matter most. Are you struggling with fears and insecurities? Do you feel jealous or do you feel like your losing control of your relationship when your partner spends money on him or herself? Or, do you feel slighted because your partner doesn’t spend enough time with you or give you the attention you desire? Hence, you become angry when they spend money on themselves? Does your partner attempt to control you and/or your relationship through financial means? Perhaps your partner has a fear of abandonment or a fear of losing control. Bottom line, there’s usually an underlying issue that causes most couples to fight about money. However, there is one exception to the rule – compulsive shopping or addictive behavior. And, that is another matter altogether.

In conclusion, if you want to eliminate the financial squabbles in your relationship, you must correct the underlying fears and insecurities. To get rid of a bad emotional weed, don’t just prune the leaves; pull it out by the root!

Good luck and great love,

David Roppo is the founder of Relationship Rehab for Women, author, coach and pioneer of ‘The Secret Principles to Saving a Relationship.

Guess What? It Ain’t All About You.

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By Ayize Ma’at

Today I want to talk to you for a minute about 2 things I see happening all of the time in my practice working with couples. We all do these two things on some level–although some of us more than others.

#1 We Personalize — i.e., we make things about us that have absolutely nothing to do with us

#2 We Project–i.e., we take our past experiences, assumptions, and attitudes and super-impose them on our present day lives and relationships.

Listen in while I speak on it.  Click HERE to learn more about our coaching/counseling services and how we can help you get beyond personalization and projection in your relationship and life.

Remember, yall It’s Not Always About You!

Trust Makes You Delusional And That’s Not All That Bad

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Trust fools you into remembering that your partner was more considerate and less hurtful than he or she actually was.

New research from Northwestern University and Redeemer University College (Ontario, Canada) is the first to systematically examine the role of trust in biasing memories of transgressions in romantic partnerships.

People who are highly trusting tended to remember transgressions in a way that benefits the relationship, remembering partner transgressions as less severe than they originally reported them to be. People low on trust demonstrated the opposite pattern, remembering partner transgressions as being more severe than how they originally reported them to be.

“One of the ways that trust is so good for relationships is that it makes us partly delusional,” said Eli J. Finkel, co-author of the study and professor of psychology at Northwestern.

Laura B. Luchies, lead author of the study, said the current psychological reality of your relationship isn’t what actually happened in the past, but rather the frequently distorted memory of what actually happened.

“You can remember your partner as better or as worse than he/she really was, and those biased memories are important determinants of how you think about your partner and your relationship,” she said.

Researchers have long known that trust is crucial to a well-functioning relationship.

“This research presents a newer, deeper understanding,” Finkel said. “It reveals that trust yields relationship-promoting distortions of the past.”

Said Luchies, assistant professor of psychology at Redeemer University College: “If you talk to people who really trust their partner now, they forget some of the negative things their partner did in the past. If they don’t trust their partner much, they remember their partner doing negative things that the partner never actually did. They tend to misremember.”

 

The above story is reprinted from materials provided by Northwestern University, via EurekAlert!, a service of AAAS. Note: Materials may be edited for content and length. For further information, please contact the source cited above.

Source: ScienceDaily.com

The Pleasure Principle: Will You Commit To Pleasuring Your Spouse?

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By Aiyana Ma’at

The Pleasure Principle. We heard Janet sing about it and I’m sure there are all kinds of images that come to mind when you read those two words. But, here’s what I want you to take away from this. Lean in…read this next part s-l-o-w-l-y and really try to take in what I am about to say:

Happily married couples stay focused on one ultimate goal which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain.

I know what you’re thinking “Whoop-dee-doo. Thanks for that oh so critical insight Aiyana”.  Yawn. But, lean in again read it a little more s-l-o-w-l-y and DON’T MISS THIS:

Happily married couples stay focused on one ultimate goal which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain.

It may sound simplistic or even unrealistic. It’s easy to say but 9 times out of 10 is really hard todo.

For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, “Is what I’m about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?”

Really. Get into it. You might even try including your boo.

To see how you’re doing in this area, each of you should make two lists:

One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain and another which clearly identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure.

Now, swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!

I really want ya’ll to try this. I’m doing this with my hubby, Ayize, tomorrow (we’re writing our lists today) and I’ll let you know how it goes. Let me know how it works for you—and no excuses—your spouse doesn’t have to participate or even know what you’re doing in order for you to do it.

So, c’mon let’ take it to the next level.

Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Things You Should NEVER Do To Save Your Marriage

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By Emma Audley

Getting married is easier than staying married. Ask any one who has tied the knot and you would hear the same thing being repeated. Tips and tricks to save your marriage can be as varied as the people themselves. There is no ‘magic formula’ to make it work. In fact, a better way to interpret it is that you keep on working on the formula till “death do you part”. This means that to save your marriage, flexibility is what the doctor ordered.

You will need to adapt to changing priorities, changing personalities and changing needs of the environment. The other key to save your marriage is perhaps to give each other space. Now, this is a critical area, as many do not know how much space is right. Too much of it can create irreversible distance and too little of it can create frequent collisions. Each marriage has its own formula of ‘space’ needed, and you have to decipher your own, as time goes by.

All that is fine but despite your working out a reasonably acceptable marriage formula, you might still find yourself in the unenviable position of facing an imminent break up. Not being used to such mental trauma, it is natural for you to make some critical errors that spoil your chances to save your marriage even further.

While you might deploy a thousand strategies to save your marriage here are some tips on some strategies which you should not deploy:

Mistake #1 is the instant outburst of emotions. Defeat in a relationship invites gender-specific reactions. A woman cries; a man might get aggressive. A woman may plead, while the man might just walk out of the situation. While such instant reflex reactions largely depend on individual personality traits, there are certain things which you should never do if you are serious to save your marriage. For example, never cry or plead with your partner to stay back. This does not mean that you get aggressive and start a tirade of accusations and abuses. You need to stay calm to think rationally about the steps you are going to take in future to save your marriage. Crying, pleading or throwing tantrums are pure waste of efforts.

Mistake #2 is to jump to conclusions as to why your marriage has failed. Though tough, keep an open mind about the situation, till you have got all the facts right in stead of groping in the dark or listening to other people’s views. Before trying to find the scapegoat, look at yourself in the mirror and analyze your faults and shortcomings. Chances are that you might find several aspects of your own personality that needs rectification, if you want to save your marriage.

Mistake #3 is to be fatalistic or pessimistic. You do not have to take everything that life has to offer, lying down. If you are a responsible adult, capable of thinking and acting rationally, you should not give in to ‘what fate has in store for me’, even if the situation hints towards a foregone conclusion. You need to know why, how and what you did wrong in the marriage, even before you try to make attempts to save your marriage. The only person to enlighten you in this matter is your spouse, if he or she is the one who has decided to walk out of the marriage. Even if what you hear surprises you, you should be able to communicate clearly to your spouse why it makes sense to save your marriage – provided there is still love and respect between the two of you. Getting defeated by the first blow is a sign of cowardice and by having a fatalistic attitude you can never save your marriage.

My name is Emma Audley. I am the author of “Loneliness to Happiness – the simple guide to getting your ex back” as well as numerous publications and articles about relationships and marriages in crises. I have a degree in psychology and almost a decade of experience as a therapist in couples and marriage counseling. I have treated about 3500 patients in face to face sessions in my life.

What’s Your Grade? ‘A’ as a Mom ‘F’ as a Wife?

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VIDEO:  Have you recently taken the time to ask yourself…”What’s my grade as a wife and as a mother?” If you take the time to do some self reflection and honest self examination you will discover your strengths and weaknesses in these roles. Far too often we are way out of balance and pay more attention to one area of our lives than the others and consequently something or someone suffers. We need to be balanced in life and in love. How do you measure up? Do you make the grade? Leave a comment with your thoughts or submit a video response. We want to hear from you.

Is Your Partner Overstepping The Relationship Boundaries?

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By Rachel Moheban, LCSW

When you’ve been together long enough, you pick up each other’s habits, finish each other’s sentences, share a bed, a home, maybe a couple of kids.

You become a unit.

But have you retained your own identity?

Can you define yourself as your own self, or only as one half of a couple?

Being part of a strong relationship is the ultimate achievement, but only if this is in a healthy and positive way, without giving up what makes you unique. Remember that you and your partner chose each other because of these individualities.

For example, let’s say that you have a friend, Sue. Sue is a motivated and successful Sales Manager at a hi-tech company. She loves traveling, going to art galleries and working out at the gym. Sue always has time for her friends and always offers an ear to listen.

Sue meets Bob. And falls in love. Three years down the line, Sue and Bob are married and are in an intense and passionate relationship.

You hardly ever see Sue anymore. Bob is very demanding of Sue’s time. He prefers to stay at home, so they don’t socialize much. Sue no longer visits art galleries and has stopped going to the gym.

He has a jealous nature, and often goes into her Facebook profile and checks her mobile text messages.

Bob definitely oversteps the relationship boundaries and doesn’t give Sue her right to privacy and individuality.

This is quite an extreme example, but do you feel that there are ways in which your partner oversteps the boundaries?

If so, here are some tips on how to approach your partner about this issue:

· Don’t accuse – raise the issue in a sensitive way, as perhaps your partner doesn’t intend to do this

· Offer suggestions on how your partner could change this behavior

· Reciprocate – ask your partner if there are any ways in which he/she feels that you overstep the boundaries

Healthy relationships can only be maintained if both partners are fulfilled and complete.

Rachel Moheban currently has a private practice in New York City and specializes in individual and couples therapy, and is the founder of The Relationship Suite. She has her Masters Degree in Social Work from New York University and was trained at the Ackerman Institute for the Family and at the Training Institute for Mental Health in marital and group counseling. For more info visit http://www.therelationshipsuite.com

Game Recognizes Game: I Trust You But NOT Him

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VIDEO: Hello Brother and Sister Ma’at,

I have a question that has bee bothering me for several days now and I hope you can help me with it. I must preface this by saying that I am not usually a jealous boyfriend who gets upset every time my girlfriend has a male friend. Here goes:

The other night my girlfriend and I were out at a very nice party at a local night spot for an organization I am apart of.  While we were there we were mingling both together and at times on our own.  I noticed that there was another man constantly seeming to hover in her area so I made it my business at some point to make sure that I introduced myself to my loves new found “friend”.  The testosterone in me had to make sure he knew that she was mine and I could see in his eyes that he  was trying to “go in for the kill”. My girlfriend thinks that I am just being paranoid but I believe Brother Ayize will back me up when I say that every man knows when another man is trying to zero in on his woman.

After he was told that I was actually her boyfriend and that we live together he suddenly changed the conversation towards business and stated that he wanted to use my girlfriend on a project he was working on.  I didn’t know that guy from a can of paint but “game recognizesgame” so while I smiled as they exchanged business cards I was watching his eyes as he was eyeing my woman and smirking at me.

When we got home from the party I politely told my girlfriend that I’d prefer if she didn’t work with him, not because I don’t trust her but because I don’t trust him and there is no way in the world that a man flips from “booty mode” to “business mode” that quickly, in my mind at least.  My girlfriend was a little annoyed at my request because according to her I don’t have the right to tell her who she should or shouldn’t do business with.

Am I wrong for making that request? Like I said I love and trust my girlfriend but I am merely trying to protect her and prevent a potentially awkward situation for her as well as not have to knock him out in the future.

Thanks for your help?

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A Message To Black Women…My Name Is Aiyana And I’m A Recovering Aggressoholic

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VIDEO: This is a message to Black Women everywhere. But, more than that this is a Declaration for myself and a Call to Black Women everywhere to take a step back, chill out, calm down, and…shut up…Yeah, I said it. Talk less. Listen more. Stop acting as if the world is conspiring against you! Whoaa! Harsh??? Well, I am black. I am a woman. And, I am loving discovering the softer side of me…