VIDEO: As we build our marriages and our families we will at times experience pain that we will feel is unfair and unprovoked. Nobody said being in relationship with other people you love to pieces would be easy. Listen in as Bishop T.D. Jakes explains how “Being who we are in life to other people can often cause us personal pain, but what does it matter, if for one moment we can be what they never got to be or never had?
By Amber Doty
Less than one month after my husband and I were married—before I even had a chance to mail thank you notes for our wedding gifts—I found myself holding what appeared to be, to my surprise, a positive pregnancy test. Weeks later, in a room lit only by the glow of an ultrasound screen, we learned that our baby’s due date was exactly nine months from our wedding. As it turned out, our new life together wasn’t the only one that began on that spring day.
Eight and a half months into our marriage, while we were still getting comfortable in our roles as husband and wife, we became mom and dad. We were newlyweds and parents. I won’t say that our son was poorly planned—we were both anxious to start our family—but I will say that in hindsight becoming a mother in the same year that you become a wife is not for the weak. The first year of our son’s life was the most difficult of our marriage to date and it is also the year I learned a very important lesson: My husband must always come before our children and, according to a survey of counseling professionals from Your Tango, the lesson is a good one. Half of the experts polled believe that wives should prioritize their husband over their kids.
It is an admission often met with outrage when shared with my mom friends, and as novelist Ayelet Waldman knows all too well, with the general public. The wife of Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon published avowing her love for her husband first before her children, making clear the distinction that while she loves her kids she is not in love with them as she is her with husband. A media firestorm followed, with condemnations from mommy bloggers across the country and an invitation to the Oprah show in order to “explain herself.”
After all, this goes against the golden rule of motherhood, the one that tells us being a good parent means sacrificing all for the happiness and well-being of our children. Putting aside our own needs for theirs is practically a requirement, but, I’m sorry, I’m just not buying it.
Neither are many of the husbands who have commented on the article releasing YourTango’s recent survey results. YourTango member Tanstaafl2 wrote that his wife’s decision to prioritize their children over him has affected his emotional and physical health.
The below story is one that we recently came across that we found to be thought provoking on many levels. The essence of the message is definitely applicable to relationships. The story’s simplicity reveals the source of communication and conflict mananagement issues in relationships and offers a common sense solution to restore sanity to your home and your heart. Blam Fam check it out and let us know what you think.
Once upon a time, there was a village with a road that went straight through the center of town. One day, something strange happened. God walked down the road…and she was beautiful! She wore a long flowing robe and on top of her head there was a wonderful hat. All the people stopped to stare at God as she walked by, and they kept staring until she disappeared in the distance.
“Boy, God sure was beautiful!” said one man. “And what a beautiful blue hat she had on.”
“Yes, God was beautiful,” said a woman from the other side of the street, “but it wasn’t a blue hat she was wearing. It was a red hat!”
“You are wrong,” said the man. “It was definitely a blue hat!”
“No, You are wrong,” said the woman. “It was definitely a red hat.”
As the two argued, others joined in the dispute. Soon the whole village was arguing. All the people on one side of the road were certain that God was wearing a blue hat. All the people on the other side of the road were certain that God was wearing a red hat. People got mad and started screaming at each other. Finally, the people got so angry that they decided to build a wall that went straight down the center of town. From that point on, the people on one side of the wall were enemies with the people who lived on the other side of the wall, and they never spoke to each other. On one side of the wall the people built a church where they worshiped a God that wore a blue hat. On the other side of the wall, the people built a church where they worshiped a God that wore a red hat.
Many years passed, and the people were still enemies. Then one day, God came walking back through the village. She was smiling and balancing on top of the wall that the people had built many years ago. This time she was wearing no hat at all. All the people ran to the wall and cried, “You must settle our argument!”
“Yes,” said one man. “The people on that side of the street say that when you walked through the village many years ago, you were wearing a blue hat! But we know better. We know you were wearing a red hat. So tell us, God, what color was your hat?”
God looked puzzled for a moment and began to scratch her head in thought.
“I think I remember walking through this village many years ago,” said God, “And on that day, I believe I was wearing my hat that is blue on one side and red on the other.”
And saying nothing more, God continued walking down the wall until she disappeared off in the distance.
It was very quiet for a moment. Suddenly there was the sound of one child laughing. Then another child started laughing, and another. Soon the whole village was roaring with laughter. Everyone was laughing because they realized how foolish they had been. As the sound of the laughter grew louder and louder, the wall began to shake and crumble until, finally, it came tumbling down to the ground.
For many, many years after that day, the people told the story of God’s hat, and how laughter had torn down the wall between a divided and foolish people.
Blam Fam let us know what you think. Have you selfishly built some walls in your relationship because you’re committed to your agenda and being right versus being in relationship? What walls in your love life need to come tumbling down?
By Team BLAM
With all of the demands and responsibilities that we all have to deal with on a regular basis it’s a wonder that we can all get up every day, swing our feet out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other as we live out the days of our lives. I’m so often amazed by the things that we all have to get done every day from getting to work, actually getting work done, taking care of the kids, volunteering at church, going back to school, putting out crises at home and at work, paying bills–the list goes on and on.
One of the easiest and most efficient ways to stay centered and grounded in the midst of the hustle and bustle of our lives is to simply STAY GRATEFUL. When we can remain grateful for all that we have–no matter the imperfections–it is so much easier to move gracefully through life.
So, today –make sure you take the time to tell your spouse how grateful you are for their presence in your life. Thank them for making dinner, doing the laundry, keeping the oil in the car changed, trying to get better with your finances, spending time with the kids, putting a new roll of tissue on the tissue roll when its down to 3 squares…..you get the point… DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL YOUR SPOUSE AND THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!
By Mary
We focus a great deal on what to eat, when to eat and how to eat. But do you know that eating with someone is just as important as what you eat? In our fast-paced, hectic world, families are finding fewer moments for meals together and they are missing out on an opportunity to feed the body both physically and emotionally.
Nutrients are just as important as the act of sharing a meal with family and friends provided the sharing is a congenial and supportive one. Arguments and conflicts at the dinner table create more than digestive problems. Stress on the body incubates problems that eventually shut down the immune system and this can lead to a whole host of health issues. Having a social meal with others is beneficial if it a)is an opportunity for relaxation; b)becomes an occasion for conversation; c)enhances the sense of sharing and bonding.
There are reasons why companionship bolsters the immune system. Studies have shown that loneliness is a risk factor for poor nutrition. Single people, especially seniors who live alone, tend to skip meals or eat poorly. Studies have shown that those who score highest on the “loneliness index” tend to consume meals that are lower in calories and calcium. For up to two years after the death of a spouse, widows and widowers tend to eat significantly poorer diets.
In fact, companionship is one of the two factors that emerged most prominently in a study on longevity. Sixteen researchers from different fields studied over a thousand healthy seniors. What they identified as two outstanding features in the lifestyles of these healthy seniors are a) physical activity throughout their lives and b) maintenance of social and intellectual connectedness. In fact, these two factors were even more significant than dietary patterns.
It has long been known that a happy marriage is a recipe for health. In a study of more than 4000 seniors age 55 or older, both men and women who were living with spouses consumed a better diet than those living alone. There is no doubt that emotional bonding and meaningful connectedness have a direct influence on health. These connections are often the source of positive feelings and a sense that all is right, despite challenging circumstances. In a 15 year study of close to 700 nuns who lived and taught in the United States, researchers found that those who most often used words such as “joy” or ” happy” in their letters and diaries lived as much as ten years longer than those who expressed fewer positive emotions.
Positive feelings that come from being part of a partnership or group can act as a biological shield against stress. A Dutch study of 1000 people aged 65 to 85 found that 10 years later, the optimists in the group had a 55% lower risk of death from all causes and a 23% lower risk of heart disease.
What do all these studies mean for us? It does not hurt to make meals a happy sharing time. There were years when our boys were involved with music lessons, baseball, chess clubs and tennis and we could not find time to have meals together. But we made sure that Friday nights and Sunday dinners were sacrosanct and we kept those times as family dates.
Setting aside at least one day a week for family meals can do more than feed the body. For those who live alone, consider inviting a friend or neighbor over or joining a social group that meets for dinner twice a month. Even nurturing your sense of being connected with the spiritual universe is a strong antidote against stress. The sense that we are all interconnected is part of our emotional system and needs to be fed just as much as our bodies.
A runner for 27 years, retired schoolteacher and writer, Mary is helping people reclaim their bodies through nutrition, exercise, positive vision and creative engagement. You can visit her at http://www.GreatBodyat50.com or learn how she lost her weight at http://www.greatbodyproteinpower.com
Watching this video gave us the warm and fuzzies. It’s definitely a reflection of how we get down in the Ma’at house. Ayize is super competitive just like Caron and will do anything necessary to win LOL.
In this video Los Angeles Clippers forward Caron Butler challenges his daughters to games of Twister, thumb wrestling, tug-of-war, Hungry, Hungry Hippos and of course, basketball. Caron loves nothing more than hanging out with his three girls (Mia, 8, Ava, 2, and Gia, 8 months) during the offseason, but it seems the 10-year NBA veteran can’t shake his competitive spirit.
By Richard Nicastro
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “You’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying his family.” If you cringe and bite your nails to the quick when you hear it now, we really need to talk.
When you said “I do,” you were just referring to the blushing bride across from you, right? Her family was in the audience (sniffling or sobbing or wringing their hands), but you only agreed to marry that one individual, the one you chose. So why are you now bound to these other people, people you wouldn’t sit next to on the subway if you had your choice?
Marrying “into” a family is both true and not true. Certainly, when you join your life to someone else’s, the things that are important to him become important to you, too. And family is at the top of the list. (Just because you see his mother as a three-headed guard dog doesn’t mean he sees her that way.) However, it’s important to remember that you and your spouse, in getting married, have begun your own family. And for most people, that new family healthily takes precedent over the other.
When both families are living in harmony, no one gives much thought to a loose sort of co-existence. But when personalities clash, it might feel like your in-laws are there with you all the time—in the bedroom (ugh…), in the kitchen while you attempt your first soufflé, in the family room when you insist that your child observe her bedtime (“But Grandma says you make me go to bed too early!”).
Despite all the tension that can arise between the spouse and the in-laws, most people agree that even the most Attila the Hun in-laws aren’t reason enough to abandon your betrothed at the altar.
So what do we do?
Take a step back. In a hurry.
As with almost any aspect of this Tilt-a-Whirl we call life, level-headed examination and a fresh perspective can do wonders.
If you examine your feelings from a safe distance (i.e., safely removed in time from the situation your in-laws last destroyed or, better yet, thousands of miles and a couple of continents removed from the in-laws themselves), you might see that it’s not really hate that you’re feeling, but rather strong annoyance, heavy dislike, or the I wouldn’t want to ask them out for drinks or outlet-shopping syndrome.
Okay, so maybe you do hate them. There might be several reasons you feel this way:
~You get the sense they hate you.
For example, they never miss an opportunity to remind you that their son/daughter foolishly passed up so many excellent marriage prospects before s/he regrettably settled on you.
~They’re the heavily meddling, interfering variety (think Marie Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond), have already determined how many children you should have and where they’ll go to school. Hell, the kid isn’t even a twinkle in your eye yet and your mother-in-law already booked the church for the first Holy Communion. And you’re not even sure if you’ll raise your children Catholic.
~They’re not likeable (Need I say more?).
~They make you feel incompetent, inadequate, or just generally a mess.
~And maybe—just maybe—the problem is more yours than theirs (bear with me for a minute). They may be sweet, loving and appropriately-boundaried and the core issue is that you feel your spouse is overly connected to them, that he loves them or idealizes them too much. Jealousy can masquerade as righteous indignation.
So now that you have some ideas about why you have these strong feelings toward these people, what on earth do you do with them? (The feelings, not the people…)
Picture this: you’ve spent another grueling ten-hour day at work and yet you’re still gracious enough to agree to fixing dinner for the in-laws. You set the plate before your mother-in-law, she sniffs, wrinkles her nose, and pushes the dish away, announcing, “I can’t possibly eat pasta sauce from a jar.” Or you overhear your father-in-law putting the kids to bed, telling them stories about when your husband was a lad. He ends the stories with, “And you two take after your daddy, don’t you know. Thank goodness for that!”
Even in times like those, especially in times like those, you need to hold onto a very true thing: these same maddening people did at least one thing right. Whether you attribute it to the accident of nature or the deliberateness of nurture, they created and raised the person you adore and respect and have chosen to hitch your star to.
And then count to ten, take deep breath, and remind yourself of this again.
Another crucial thing to remember: you can’t change someone else’s behavior. You can’t. No matter how gallantly you try, no matter how much those people need changing. The only behavior you are in complete control of is your own. You can only change how you react to people. And many times your new behavior shifts the dynamic enough so that it either forces or coaxes people to respond differently, in a way that squeezes out the behavior that originally made you pull your hair out.
Despite how adorable Doris Richards is in Everybody Loves Raymond, and how appealing it may be to have someone with the stamina of a team of oxen cleaning your house or cooking your meals over your insistence that she stop, you need to set healthy limits and acceptable boundaries around your marriage. It’s easier to do this early in the marriage, before patterns have become entrenched. The irony is that sometimes you don’t fully realize a situation needs an overhaul until you’ve lived with it for a while and until it feels unbearable.
The first step is asking your spouse for help in approaching your in-laws. After all, they’re his/her parents and s/he has a history with them, one that should make communication easier and more fluid. However, your mate might think this is all your problem. Time and time again, you might hear, “I don’t know what you’re talking about—my parents are super!” Without accusation or name-calling (try hard with this one), communicate your feelings about your in-laws to your spouse. Use specific examples rather than general feelings, and try to get your mate to walk—even a few baby steps—in your shoes.
Be sensitive to your spouse’s dilemma. After all, s/he is in the middle and in the unenviable position between a rock and a hard place and getting squeezed: s/he loves the parents, loves the spouse, and has to somehow mediate these warring factions. A thankless job.
If speaking to your spouse fails, you need to advocate for yourself with your in-laws. HOW? Very diplomatically. Arrange a time for a chat. And call it that—“chat” is so much nicer than “I’ve had it up to here with you and I’m laying down the law.”
Some advice to remember during that talk:
~Don’t offend. Don’t attack, don’t provoke.
And, while you’re there, avoid politics, religion, and how much happier your wife seems now that she’s left her childhood home.
~Don’t ever, ever, ever compare your mate’s parents to your own.
Trust me: no good can come of this….NONE.
~Keep it short, keep it simple.
This should feel like a sane conversation between adults, not a wrestling match where the ref is MIA.
~Use I statements.
“I feel hurt when you reject the meals I prepare…and when you go into the kitchen and make your own meal with the groceries you sneak in.”
~Use we statements.
You and your spouse are a team now, so talk like a team.
“We know you love the children, but we decided 7:30 is the right bedtime for the kids their age. And also…um…our pediatrician said espresso really isn’t the best drink for them.”
~Accentuate the positive.
Oh, c’mon…you can find something positive if you dredge the lake. Perhaps your spouse speaks fondly of his childhood. Pass that on to your in-laws. Or maybe they’re an important part of your children’s lives. “The children adore you. They tell everyone about their Gran and Grampie.”
~As all good negotiators do, give something so you can get something.
“We love sharing meals with you, but, since I’m getting the sense you don’t enjoy my cooking, why don’t we pick a restaurant next time?”
Try to voluntarily include your in-laws in situations that feel palatable. For instance, you’re organizing photo albums, and you’d love to put baby pictures of your spouse with your children’s. There isn’t a better expert on your mate’s childhood than the people who raised him. Call on them for that, and their gratitude at being needed may shift things in a positive way.
Through it all, try to remember that, just as you feel a connection to your spouse, they have a connection to that same person. They may feel more vulnerable than you do in the face of your mate’s new life, a life where you are now central and they are marginalized. Much of the behavior that annoys you may be driven by your in-laws’ attempts to keep a firm foothold in their child’s life, even when that child is thirty-eight years old. You should never allow yourself to be trampled upon, but when you understand that love might be the reason for some of their actions, you might see them in a softer light. And someday—if they accept you as an addition to the family instead of someone competing for their child’s attention—they might be crazy about you, too.
BLAM FAM help this viewer out by letting her know what you think.
Video: My husband and I have been married for a long time but I have just recently started working full time. I thought it would be a good idea to set some guidelines for household responsibilities since i am no longer at home as freqently as I used to be. I thought it would be a good idea for whoever cooks the other cleans the kitchen and puts the food away and for us to both do the laundry on Saturday. He thinks this is a bad idea but doesn’t have a better solution. How can I get him to see this is the best way to keep our house clean and our children clothed in clean clothes? HOw can i get him on board?
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A lot of times people question your intent and motive behind something when you put BLACK in front of it. For instance…black neighborhood, black bank, black love, black food. We recently had a viewer write in asking us why is there such an afrocentric focus when we speak about relationships when all ethnic groups are going through the same thing. Well listen in and check out our response. Let us know what you think.
By Ayize Ma’at
A couple of days ago I had an interesting early morning experience. Aiyana had just finished a daily devotional phone call with her mom and was just laying still staring at me when I opened my eyes. By the look on her face I could tell something was on her spirit and tears were ready to pour. So I asked her “What’s wrong baby?” She said, “We’ve got a lot going on, and it’s hard.” Before she even finished the last word she began crying. I sat there and looked at her as tears fell from her eyes. I listened to her release into the atmosphere the load that’s weighing heavy on her heart. A part of me felt helpless and handicapped because all I could offer was a kiss on the forehead and reassurance that we’re gonna get through this.
Those of you who follow us know that our tag line is Stop Playing Start Pushing. We’re all about overcoming obstacles, shape shifting, and breaking down barriers. While this approach to life is definitely necessary, watching my wife cry and our subsequent conversation, evoked a different emotional response….simply…BE STILL.
You see, Stop Playing. Start Pushing….has it’s place. Standing still and feeling fear…..being present with the magnitude of the moment has it’s place too. In that moment when I sat with my wife and experienced the meaning behind her tears, I too was challenged to be present and experience the magnitude of the moment….a moment which includes:
pre op authorizations, hydroxyurea, pulmonary specialist, sickle cell anemia, blood draws, albuterol 3 times/day, pediatrician clearance, singulair, bone marrow transplant appointment, pulmacort 3 times/day, avascular necrosis, blood transfusion, and surgery….AND 3 OTHER CHILDREN.
When I sit and think about all of that and how ALL of it has been only a fraction of our hectic lives for the past 7 days….I say WOW. I also say Thank God. I thank God for the friend (you know who you are) who told my wife it’s o.k. to be afraid and feel overwhelmed. I thank God for allowing me to have enough emotional insight to be the tissue for my wife’s tears and not be ashamed to shed my own. I thank God for all of the folks out there who’ve donated to the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, tweeted the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, shared on FB the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, offered to run a post on their website in support of the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign, and said a prayer for the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign. All of it counts and I thank GOD for all of it.
Asante is having hip surgery on Friday 6/29 to address his Avascular Necrosis. He developed Avascular Necrosis in both hips as a result of SICKLE CELL ANEMIA. While the surgery on Friday won’t cure his sickle cell (that’s what the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign is for) he’s still very excited and optimistic because he’s hoping this procedure will enable him to run and jump with his friends again. Please say a prayer for him and our family yall…..we really appreciate your love and support.
CLICK HERE to donate to the PENNIES for ASANTE campaign. We need your help.
