Are Black Men FOR Monogamy?

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VIDEO: We are all familiar with the stereotype that “all black men are dogs”. At the urging of a viewer we explore that notion and reveal that while some men may act a particular way…it certainly does not mean ALL men do. This black man wrote in and asked “How do we explain to black women that most black men are all for monogamous relationships?

We believe that there are a number of things that come into play when examining the perceptions that are out here around black men. However, with that being said the best way black men can continue to combat negative perceptions & stereotypes is through how they live their lives on a day to day basis. It’s how you carry yourself. It’s the kind of example you intentionally set for other young brothas. Actions always destroy words cause’ talk is cheap. It’ how you walk that will ultimately speak for you. Keep stepping strong black men. Keep stepping!

 

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Single, Divorced, Frustrated Mom….And Starting To RESENT My Children

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Everybody feels stress at some point in their lives when raising children is involved. Some people have more difficulty dealing with it than others. In this video we help a single mom with two adopted sons cope with the feelings of resentment that are starting to rise up because she’s overwhelmed. Been there, done that? Listen in and lend a word of encouragement.

The Business Of Family

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By Lana Moline

I stayed home 8  years, until all 3 of my kids were old enough to enter school.  Making the decision to resign from my job in the corporate world was a difficult one for me at the time.  I worked for a human resources consulting firm and could have easily gotten use to all the comforts and perks that came with the position.  However, my life took a different turn after about 3 years on that job when I got married.

Before my husband and I were married,  we spoke about children and the importance of offering our whole selves as parents to them.  We agreed that although we are parents for a lifetime, the prime nurturing moments are for a season so we entertained the thought of not only staying home but creating a lifestyle that allowed and encouraged both of us to be available in their formidable years.  Between our roles at work we were used to structure, organization, goals and results and so that’s the framework we employed to organize our family life as a business.  Our approach was birthed out of need, common sense and practicality.

I wanted to make sure my kids had fun since we were going to be home all day together but there was so much that we needed to teach them before entering school.  My first step was designing a curriculum that was all centered around producing thinkers.  I didn’t want them to recite facts to me.  I wanted to encourage their creativity and genuine desire to learn.  Also I wanted to make sure that this experience was enjoyable for me as well because I knew that it would be over in a relatively short period of time and it was as much a journey for me as it was for my children.  In fact, my blog was started in part because I wanted to continue to write and it was an easy way to keep everyone posted on what was going on in our lives.

I created centers in their room much like many pre-k/kindergarten classrooms.  We learned reading, spanish, sign language and art.  I taught the other subjects as integrated life lessons.  We learned math as we counted money and allowance.  Science was masked as cooking or on the playground looking at butterflies.  Social studies was our play groups that included people from all over the world and the many vacations that came about because we all tagged along when my husband travelled for work.  In fact, each time we joined my husband on a trip when he had to work, I found a library in the city and continued our lessons.  I would pack workbooks, reading material, games, crayons, kids devotions and paper and my treat to myself was a leather skin red tote bag so it looked kinda cool.

Those years were wonderful.  My kids refer to their experiences sometimes but I don’t think they truly understand the depth of it all yet.  In any business the smart move is to invest in something and get a great return.  I am convinced that I’ve done just that.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.


“Grandfamilies” Are Growing In America…Here Are Some Ways For You To Be Prepared

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By Oretha Winston

Across the United States, almost 7.8 million* children are living in homes where grandparents or other relatives are the householders, with more than 5.8 million children living in grandparents’ homes and nearly 2 million children living in other relatives’ homes. These families are often called “grandfamilies.”

More than 2.5 million grandparents are taking on the responsibility for these children. Many other relatives also take on this responsibility, although data are not available on other relatives. Often they assume this responsibility with neither of the children’s parents present in the home. In fact, nearly 1 million children are living in homes where the grandparent is the householder and neither parent is present in the home (comparable data are not available for children living in homes where another relative is the householder and neither parent is present.)

If you are one of those grandparents this is what you will need.

  • Birth certificates, death certificates (if your grandchild’s parent is deceased), marriage records or divorce decrees for their parents
  • Social Security cards (or at least the numbers) for the children
  • Medical and dental records
  • Power of Attorney, custody, guardianship, adoption or other legal papers
  • Consent forms signed by parents for medical care and education
  • School papers, such as report cards, evaluations, registration etc.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Uplifting ALL Black Women AUTOMATICALLY Uplifts The Black Community

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By: Team Afro

There was an article in The Urban Daily that documented a conversation between Lil Wayne and a few of his female fans.  ALLEGEDLY, in the exchange Lil Wayne stated very clearly (and not as nicely) that he didn’t like dark-skinned girls.  He further went on to say that he was glad that he had babies from all white or light skinned girls so his babies could come out with good hair.  Outside of this rumor article he has stated similar things in his lyrics ‘Beautiful Black Woman i bet that b*tch look better red’. Ladies and gentlemen what is wrong with this picture?

First let me start by saying that I’m not trying to bash Lil Wayne or his dating preferences.  Love is colorblind and  I have no problem with interracial dating or marriage.  In fact I think it is what God intended and nothing would please me more than a new generation of beautiful black, almond, and butterscotch ‘rainbow children’.  With that said I think it is abhorrent to favor one group of women AND run another group of women down just because they happen to be darker than a paper bag. This type of blatant discrimination because of skin color is what black people have been fighting against for generations and to have this attitude perpetuated by our own people is disgusting.  What makes it worse is that it is too often perpetuated by rappers and hip hop artists who have so much influence over so many young black men and women.  There is nothing worse than a person who has the ear of the masses telling the masses to hate themselves or hate some group (I’m sure a few historical tyrants can come to mind).

Everyone has preferences when it comes to dating, food, sports or whatever the case may be.  There is nothing wrong with preferences but fortifying your preference with blatant bigotry or denigration of your non-preference is unnecessary, damaging to others and in many cases evil.

You can be pro-black without being anti-white

You can like the institution of marriage without hating on gay people and gay marriage

You can like democrats without hating all republicans

You can like the New York Yankees without hating the Boston Red Sox (okay, not too sure about this one)

You can prefer white or light-skinned girls without hating and dissing dark-skinned girls.

Favoring one thing does not mean hate for another thing.  Absolute hate for a thing or a group of people is THE definition of prejudice and racism and there just is no place for that in our society anymore – period.

A people will only rise as far as the women in their society rise.  People in a civilized society should know this.  The balance between male and female perspectives is necessary for fair and just governments; war versus diplomacy; function versus beauty; and all things that make us civilized.  Women nurture our children and our society and are the yin to our yang.  As far as beauty is concerned dark-skinned black women are some of the most beautiful black women in the world.  Equally beautiful are light-skinned, heavy, tall and thin black women.  Irrespective of thier beauty, ALL black women need to be respected by black men.  As a man you want respect so you should give it to your women.  The constant denigration of women as hos, bitches, too dark, and pimp targets BY BLACK MEN makes our people look like a bunch of savages.  From a sociological standpoint any group who hates on half of its population (women) is doomed to fail or at a minimum have half of its people repressed, depressed, and oppressed. Is that what we want for our black women who love, care for, need and want us?

As a black man, hating dark skinned women is like hating yourself.  Maybe self-hatred is the problem with Lil Wayne and other black men with similar opinions.  Don’t fall into this trap.  Tell a dark skinned sister that she is beautiful, intelligent and attractive.  Supporting her is like supporting yourself.

Team Afro also writes for AfroDaddy.com – To see more of their writing visit the website.

The Awesome Benefits Of Marriage: It’s Way More Than What You Think

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By Team BLAM

I remember the moment that I realized that marriage is waaaaay more than 2 people coming together because they fell in love. In that moment my outlook was radically changed. The knowledge that I gained in that moment shifted the way I viewed my own marriage, the need for strong families in our community, and the impact we can all have when we learn the skills that are necessary to build solid marriages, families, and communities.

Marriage researchers have determined that having a healthy, happy, fulfilling marriage benefits all family members. Below are marriage statistics from research by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the Healthy Marriage Initiative. Check them out and be impressed. 😉

Marriage Statistics:

Benefits of Healthy Marriages For Children and Youth

Researchers have found many benefits for children and youth who are raised by parents in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following statistics:

More likely to attend college

More likely to succeed academically

Physically healthier

Emotionally healthier

Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol

Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors

Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse

Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers

Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married

Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone

Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers

Less likely to contract STD’s

Less likely to be raised in poverty

Benefits of a Healthy Marriage for Women

Researchers have found many benefits for women who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following statistics:

More satisfying relationship

Emotionally healthier

Wealthier

Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes

Less likely to attempt or commit suicide

Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse

Less likely to contract STD’s

Less likely to remain or end up in poverty

Have better relationships with their children

Physically healthier

Benefits of a Healthy Marriage for Men

Researchers have found many benefits for men who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following statistics:

Live longer

Physically healthier

Wealthier

Increase in the stability of employment

Higher wages

Emotionally healthier

Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse

Have better relationships with their children

More satisfying sexual relationship

Less likely to commit violent crimes

Less likely to contract STD’s

Less likely to attempt or commit suicide

Benefits of Healthy Marriages for Communities

Researchers have found many benefits for communities when they have a higher percentage of couples in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following statistics:

Higher rates of physically healthy citizens

Higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens

Higher rates of educated citizens

Lower domestic violence rates

Lower crime statistics

Lower teen age pregnancy rates

Lower rates of juvenile delinquency

Higher rates of home ownership

Lower rates of migration

Higher property values

Decreased need for social services

So, what do you think BLAM Fam? Do the benefits of healthy marriage impress you?


Source: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/benefits/index.html

Marriages May End But Family’s Are Forever

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By Malti Bhojwani

It was at that time when our marriage was falling apart and we completely hated each other when we needed to work constructively as parents, as our child’s world was crumbling too.

I have been divorced for over five years now and have a beautiful eleven year old daughter. My ex-husband has re married. They now have a baby girl. I get along very well with my ex husband and his wife and there are many reasons for this friendship.

Deciding to have a child was a separate commitment from the one we made to marry each other. So, from the time we divorced, we decided that we would not let that come in the way of us constructively being her parents.

Yes, but it was hard as we were both very childish back then. We both did terrible things to each other. He hid her passport and often threatened to take her away from me. I threatened to get a restraining order in place, such that he could not come within a certain radius of me. There was name-calling that lasted for months. We each competed for her love and affection and we each thought we were “better”. Luckily, both of us grew up and owned up to our respective childishness.

We had a few bad-examples around us to show us what we did not want for her and we genuinely started to cooperate.

I realised that no one apart from him has her best interest at heart as much as me. I also realised later when he was about to re-marry that I didn’t want my daughter to have to be with a Fairy Tale ‘Wicked Step Mother’. With these things in mind, I decided consciously to prioritise this friendship between my ex husband and myself, initially and then later, when he re married, I made choices to encourage a healthy and working friendship between his wife and myself, respecting her role as his wife and my daughter’s step mother and often seeking her support and opinions. I was careful never to cross the boundaries or to take advantage of the fact that I too was once married to him, for example, I never referred to my ex husband and me as “we” in front of her. I appreciate her influence in my daughter’s life. I discovered that people generally have so much to contribute to others, if we would only let them. I learnt from them too that when in a relationship or marriage, it was very healthy to encourage your current partner to tolerate and accept your ex spouse being discussed politely in the household.

What the experts think

You may think that this is about sacrificing and giving in but really it’s about being selfish. This is an approach preferred by Dr. Ron Wilkinson, PH.D, a psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, with 23 years clinical experience working with families. In my discussions with him, he said “I encourage parents to be goal-oriented and selfish. In our culture, ‘selfish’ tends to be seen as a dirty word. In a more pure sense, however, a selfish person is someone who gets what they want.” When each parent sees that there is something in it for them, to have a friendship with the ex-husband, for example, getting to look like the good guy, it makes the whole task easier to do.

A child, even a grown up one, is not concerned with who is right and who is wrong. They are concerned with having a relationship with both parents—regardless of their age.

All this requires fortitude and focus on the goal and not allowing the day to day irritations to get to you. In my training and experiences as a Life Coach and a parent, I learnt to practice the art of Responding versus Reacting. A reaction is automatic, not thought through consequentially, whereas a response is chosen. Between an action and its reaction there is a space, and in that space is the opportunity to choose. Responding is using that space to make that choice and to do or say what will get you closer to your goal rather than away from it. In your dealings with your ex spouse, always remind yourself that your goal is having a working and pleasant relationship with them and it is your goal because of what it’s going to bring YOU. Not just your child.

Develop the habit of carefully choosing your responses instead of impulsively reacting to each other.

Trust is one of the most important ingredients in this relationship. Remember that we are dealing here with your Flesh and Blood, and your ex-husband’s Flesh and Blood too. Both need to feel that the other will do what he/she says they will.

Win Win

Another thing that helps is to be polite “Please” and “Thank you” will get you very far. —just remember “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”. In that way you win and your child wins. Of course, your ex spouse also wins. In human relationships, such as marriage and co-parenting either both partners actually win or actually lose. And when one wins at the expense of the other, the one who really loses is the child. So, although sometimes, revenge may seem sweet, check yourself and notice that the only ones who suffer and lose is your child.

Dr. Rick Hanson PH.D says that about 90% of what enables divorced parents to work well together is exactly what enables married parents to work well together, including personal well-being, insight into oneself, emotional openness, civility, empathy, goodwill, clarity about the values and principles that guide parenting practices, and skill at negotiating practical arrangements. The other 10% has to do with things like keeping one’s feelings about the divorce compartmentalised away from the business of co-parenting, working out the details of money, custody, vacations, grandparents and integrating new friends/lovers/mates. Employing the services of a Life Coach can make this a lot easier.

If all else fails,  imagine that a video recording is being made of your discussion/quarrel/fight with your ex- and your children will be viewing it at some time in the future: how do you want to appear?

It’s okay to love them

Often children feel torn between two parents, this happens within marriages, and definitely in divorced families. It was important for my daughter to see that I was not jealous or hurt that she loved her step mom and her half sister too. We have pictures all over our place of her little half sister. I did not want to separate my child’s family from her.

There is nothing easy about this, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. It is hard work. But it’s worth it. When we make a decision to have a child, it is a lifetime commitment and a promise to provide this child with all they need. Divorce may happen but does that mean that we deprive our child of their family? It’s never too late to start building this alliance.

Get clear on what you want for your child and yourself. Think ahead into the future-how it will impact your child when, because of your choices; only one parent is at their graduation, in the hospital waiting room when they get hurt or sick, or at their wedding? Children need both parents and if through a little hard work and perseverance, you can ensure that your child has that, why not do your part?

Malti Bhojwani is a trained Life Coach, certified in Neuro Linguistic Programming. She challenges her clients by phone internationally, to re-own their wonderful attributes, which they have “forgotten” using powerful techniques to help discover strategies and create new ones. She works with you to integrate conflicting parts, because she believes that we can only truly move ahead when we are congruent!  visit www.multi-coaching.com 

Impact Of The Suburbs: Are ‘Big Houses’ And A ‘Better Life’ Causing A Slow Divide?

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By Lana Moline

I grew up in New Orleans, the 8th ward to be exact.  The house where I lived for the majority of my childhood still remains, the most beautiful house I have ever seen.  My room was nestled diagonally between my sister and brother’s rooms and it was almost entirely pink except for the Michael Jordan and Prince posters on the walls.  What can I say?  It was the 80’s.

My high school was about a mile away from my house and every evening I walked home with some friends who to this day I still smile and laugh about how much fun we had walking home.  I lived on one of the busiest streets, which worked out well when I needed to get to the store quickly or I just had to have a po’boy.  The fact that the bus ran non-stop in front of my house didn’t matter, it just made it that much easier for me to get around.  I could go to the world-famous Canal Street to shop and take practically any bus back home.  I spent hours outside either roller skating, jumping rope or riding my bike.  In fact, my best friend and I lived 4 blocks apart and we would meet up halfway (Popeyes) and then walk back to either her house or mine where we visited for hours.  Those were good times and those were also times that prepared me for navigating through relationships before the conveniences of modern technology and the numerous ways we connect today.

Last week my husband and I set out to enjoy lunch together but was quickly diverted because of a flat tire.  Unhitching the tire from our SUV took a little longer than we expected so we walked over to a nearby business to access the wi-fi.  In that 3-minute walk, we reminisced about our childhood and how we felt connected to a community because we interacted more with neighbors, we walked more and just overall got out a lot more.  In that short period of time I imagined my kids’ comfort level in this same scenario and immediately thought about how different their experience is from mine.

As parents, we try really hard to give our kids all the things we never have but I think sometimes we discount some of the things we did have.  I learned the importance of people skills by existing intimately in my community growing up.  I learned survival skills and the difference between tough times and growing pains.  Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful to God for what He has provided and the security my kids rest on.  I just wonder, from that perspective, how their childhood experience will translate over into adulthood.  When I look at the fact that my grandparents lived near their family, yet my parents moved to a neighboring city to raise their kids and we moved several hundred miles further away, I can’t help but think that all the construction, gated communities and sub-divisions costs us a little bit.

 Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

VIDEO: Missing NY Teen Mishell Green Reunited With Family After Being Seen On Talk Show ‘The View’

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By Team BLAM

Missing New York teen, Mishell DiAmonde Green, has been found and reunited with her family just hours after she was featured on ABC’s “The View,” last Friday. She’s been missing for a whiiile! I know her family is so grateful for her safe return. A missing child is the kind of horror that most of us can’t even fathom until it happens to us or someone we know. We are keeping their family in our prayers and meditations.

ABCNEWS.com and “The View” reports:

 “An anonymous viewer who recognized 16-year-old Mishell’s profile from the segment immediately called the “Black and Missing Foundation” to report her whereabouts, which led to her recovery at a shelter called Safe Horizon for victims of violence in New York City.

Green disappeared Sept. 8, 2011 while heading to an after-school program called “The Door” in the Soho area of New York.

While Green has not yet disclosed what happened to her after she went missing, her family said “Mishell is safe and out of harms way.”

Green’s family and Derrica Wilson, who is the Co-Founder, President and CEO of Black and Missing Foundation, Inc. appeared on “The View” earlier today and discussed the recovery and reunion of Mishell Green.

 Listen in below to the emotional clips of Mishell’s family discussing their reunion below.

 


Black Men…Don’t Throw In The Towel

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I had a facebook friend post this today:

“I think it’s time for a change….. I am thinking about dating exclusively out of my race, I have tried to step up to the plate with my black sistas and one full yr later, I am still single. It’s gonna be hard cause I like curves but mentally I am done”

 

Wow. That hit me hard. Now, I am not one to diss interracial dating. Do you. Date the rainbow. Love is hard to find and even harder to make work no matter the skin tone. But I do have a problem when black men “give up” on black women and announce that they are headed to another race. Really?

 

I am sad to report that after this was posted on facebook, several other black men commented about how heinous black women are as potential mates. Once again all I could think was “Really?”

 

Then I started wondering. Does that mean that EVERY black woman that these men know is sub par? Their mamas,sisters, aunties, cousins, friends… Are all of these women raggedy? I don’t think so. The original poster commented that his thinking has been influenced by a series of horrible dates over the past year. Am I being insensitive because all I think is “so what?” Here’s my issue with that type of thinking:

 

#1: You are generalizing an entire race of women based upon your flawed research.

This is the same mentality that other races use when they say “all black men are criminals/athletic/good in bed.” You cannot generalize a group of people. You can say that SOME black women may have been horrible dates. You can even say the women you selected have all been pretty bad. (That actually leads to my next point. Stay tuned.) But you cannot say that every black women is beneath your dating standards.

 

#2: What do all these women have in common? (Wait for it….) You.

You selected all of the women that you went out with, right? Therefore their common denominator is YOU. So maybe that means that your criteria or your selection process is flawed. Maybe you need to change HOW you select a mate, not just WHO you date. Didn’t Katt Williams write a bit of standup about this?

 

#3: And why are white women on a pedestal?

It’s like black men are saying, “Sistas, you had your chance. Since you didn’t step up to the mark, I am going to reach for the ideal – the white woman.” It’s as if you had a preconceived notion against black women to begin with. If you are looking for x,y,z and haven’t yet found it with black women but announce that you are going over to white women, then you are saying that you think white women have x,y,z. If you already have a preconceived notion that white women are better, then why are you even wasting your time with women that you think are substandard?

 

#4: Finally, why do you think you have the corner market on sucky dates? And what gives you the right to just throw in the towel?

My sistas have gone on plenty of bogus dates. They’ve been in bogus relationships. Hell, some have even been in bogus marriages. But we never give up on the ideal black man (IBM). We hold onto hope that an IBM exists for us. While we may open the doors and date outside our race, we rarely exclude black men in our search for a potential husband. We don’t just throw all of the brothers out because of the actions of a few. In the words of Jesse, we “keep hope alive.”

 Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at Myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.