I had a facebook friend post this today:
“I think it’s time for a change….. I am thinking about dating exclusively out of my race, I have tried to step up to the plate with my black sistas and one full yr later, I am still single. It’s gonna be hard cause I like curves but mentally I am done”
Wow. That hit me hard. Now, I am not one to diss interracial dating. Do you. Date the rainbow. Love is hard to find and even harder to make work no matter the skin tone. But I do have a problem when black men “give up” on black women and announce that they are headed to another race. Really?
I am sad to report that after this was posted on facebook, several other black men commented about how heinous black women are as potential mates. Once again all I could think was “Really?”
Then I started wondering. Does that mean that EVERY black woman that these men know is sub par? Their mamas,sisters, aunties, cousins, friends… Are all of these women raggedy? I don’t think so. The original poster commented that his thinking has been influenced by a series of horrible dates over the past year. Am I being insensitive because all I think is “so what?” Here’s my issue with that type of thinking:
#1: You are generalizing an entire race of women based upon your flawed research.
This is the same mentality that other races use when they say “all black men are criminals/athletic/good in bed.” You cannot generalize a group of people. You can say that SOME black women may have been horrible dates. You can even say the women you selected have all been pretty bad. (That actually leads to my next point. Stay tuned.) But you cannot say that every black women is beneath your dating standards.
#2: What do all these women have in common? (Wait for it….) You.
You selected all of the women that you went out with, right? Therefore their common denominator is YOU. So maybe that means that your criteria or your selection process is flawed. Maybe you need to change HOW you select a mate, not just WHO you date. Didn’t Katt Williams write a bit of standup about this?
#3: And why are white women on a pedestal?
It’s like black men are saying, “Sistas, you had your chance. Since you didn’t step up to the mark, I am going to reach for the ideal – the white woman.” It’s as if you had a preconceived notion against black women to begin with. If you are looking for x,y,z and haven’t yet found it with black women but announce that you are going over to white women, then you are saying that you think white women have x,y,z. If you already have a preconceived notion that white women are better, then why are you even wasting your time with women that you think are substandard?
#4: Finally, why do you think you have the corner market on sucky dates? And what gives you the right to just throw in the towel?
My sistas have gone on plenty of bogus dates. They’ve been in bogus relationships. Hell, some have even been in bogus marriages. But we never give up on the ideal black man (IBM). We hold onto hope that an IBM exists for us. While we may open the doors and date outside our race, we rarely exclude black men in our search for a potential husband. We don’t just throw all of the brothers out because of the actions of a few. In the words of Jesse, we “keep hope alive.”
Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at Myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.