There’s Power In Asking “What’s Important To You?”

By Nick

One of the most common mistakes people make in relationships is to relate to other people as if what’s important to them in a relationship is the same as what’s important to the other people. According to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages,” that simply isn’t true.

Some people love being told they’re loved, liked or valued. Others want to see that they’re loved, liked or valued in the form of gifts. Others like it expressed in actions. Others prefer to have their affection expressed physically.

If what’s important to you is being told that you’re loved, it’s only natural that you’ll assume the same is true with your loved ones. Yet if their definition of love is a lot of hugs, it’s entirely possible that they won’t feel loved at all, no matter how much love you feel like you’re expressing.

It also works in the reverse. You can feel like someone else doesn’t love you, like you or trust you simply because they’re not expressing love, trust or affection in the way that your brain is programmed to understand it.

Naturally, this two-way non-verbal miscommunication can cause a lot of missed opportunities in relationships. So how do you get over it?

Asking What’s Important to Them

The easiest way is of course to ask. If you already have a close relationship to someone, just bring it up as a way to potentially improve your relationship.

If you’re not close with the person yet, you can bring the subject up as a psychological experiment, a fun game to play.

No matter how you bring up the subject, you’ll probably be surprised at how different your internal system for feeling love, acceptance or connection is than other people’s. Actually hearing other people articulate their different mindset will likely change the way you view relationships forever.

Do this with all the most important people in your life.

Changing Your Habits

So once you know what other people’s “language” for receiving love, affection and connection is, what do you do with that information?

It’ll take some conscious effort to integrate that style of communication in your life. For example, if you’re used to telling someone you love them as a way of expressing love and you find out that they hear love primarily in gifts, that might seem superficial to you. And yet, that’s what’s important to them.

You might have to stretch your comfort zone or express affection in ways that don’t seem to make sense to you at first.

That’s okay. Consider it the stumbling blocks of learning to speak another “language.” Watch the other person’s reactions carefully and see if the way you’re communicating with them is having a more positive effect than your previous way of communication.

By using this principle of finding out what’s important to them, rather than assuming it’s the same as yours, you’ll be able to connect with all kinds of people that you might not have been able to connect with before. You’ll be able to remove blocks in relationships and improve many of the relationships in your life.

You Cannot Change What You Will Not Acknowledge

By Aiyana Ma’at

We all have issues. That’s no secret. We’re all human and we’re all works in progress. That’s no secret either. However, sometimes the obvious can be the most difficult thing to see….  Many of us know that if we want something to stop, start, go away, come back, CHANGE in our relationships….we have to bring the  issue to the person we’re having it with. EVEN if the issue is with ourselves— yes that’s what I said—with ourselves. No matter who the issue is with it cannot be healed if it is not revealed.

This may seem like basic knowledge but you’d be surprised at how many of us do not operate in alignment with this basic principle in mind. We may know it but do we really know it?

Listen in as I talk more about this essential principle and ask yourself if there is something you need to acknowledge today if you truly and genuinely want it to change. No judgement. Just be honest. Acknowledge it & release the power of true Change in your life and your relationships today.

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Do You Hear Me Now? 8 Active Listening Skills That Work

By Peter Murphy

“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
Ernest Hemingway

If everyone would just develop this one communication skill, most communication problems would disappear. If you are honest with yourself, the last time you got into a misunderstanding with someone, it was because you weren’t really listening to what they said.

Active listening is a communication skill that is easy to learn and valuable in all areas of life. Remember, you can’t learn something new while you are talking – only when you listen can you learn. Here are some pointers to becoming an active listener:

1. If you are not really sure you understand what the other person is saying, try repeating what they said back to them, in a slightly different way: “So, what you’re saying is….” You’ll soon know whether or not you understood.

2. Many of us have the habit of planning in our head what we’ll say next instead of listening to what the person is saying. Use eye contact as often as possible. It’s a good way to avoid drifting away in thought.

3. Keep an open mind. Be willing to compromise or be flexible with any alternate solutions the person might be offering.

4. Make sure you completely understand what the person is conveying before you respond. Don’t just blurt out the first thing that pops into your mind. Use self-control.

5. Responding is a way of using the facts and your feelings to add to the conversation. It is a communication skill that can help you avoid possible conflicts. It’s better to respond to what someone is saying than to react.

6. Since we understand that people want to be heard, you can show them that you are paying attention, by adding things like: ” I’m interested in what you just said. Can you tell me about what lead to your believing that?”

7. Remember that what someone is saying and what we hear can sometimes be remarkably different! Our personal beliefs, judgements and assumptions can sometimes distort what the other person is really trying to say. Restate what you think you just heard to clarify.

8. Make notes if you are listening on the phone. Not having the eye contact and maybe other distractions may affect how well you listen. Keeping notes will help you to ask any questions you might need to.

Listening is a valuable communication skill. All you have to do is remember a time when you felt that a person wasn’t really listening to you, to understand the importance of listening.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available only at: http://www.communicationtalk.com/

Is He Killing You With Silence?

By: Karen Cooper Johnston

Not all verbal abuse is name calling, shouting or accusations. The stone faced quiet types can cause just as much mental and emotional distress as an out of control partner can. The flip side of a screaming, physically abusive partner is the silent selfish partner. Whether it’s never using words of appreciation to being a selfish lover, the quiet narcissistic partner runs the show through intimidation. By withholding feedback or not considering your feelings; in some cases not even caring to hear what your feelings are, the mental abuse leaves you filled with self doubt. Self doubt is the narcissist’s favorite fuel source.

Many spouses who commit this kind of mental abuse may not be aware that their behavior is hurting you. They may not have the intention to commit mental abuse but because they are so self-absorbed they rarely have the skills to behave better. Since the function of self-absorption in the narcissistic personality is to protect a shattered ego identity, NPD spouses are threatened by the mirroring partner’s needs.

If you are suffering mental abuse it is worth considering that your partner may be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that there are steps you can take, changes you can make in yourself that you can put into action right away to begin changing the dynamics of your relationship.

Asking your mentally abusive partner to recognize himself in his bad behavior is futile. Mental abusers won’t take responsibility for themselves, preferring the blame game to self-accountability. If your mentally abusive spouse is afraid of being abandoned, he might use belittling, isolation or abandonment itself to keep you from leaving him.

None of this has to be hopeless however. Once you understand that the abusive husband or abusive wife is only acting the way they were taught to deal with stress, shame, and feelings of insecurity, you can choose words and actions that will support the underlying needs the abusive words and behaviors are cloaking.

Over time the abuser’s subconscious will perceive support and trust will build. Reading books, listening to radio shows and signing up for email support on the topic of narcissistic personality disorder are all excellent ways to train yourself how to be a smart, competent ally in the fight for a healthier relationship. Learn more at www.narcissismcured.com

At Narcissism Cured we help you to deal with the person who is suffering from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the friends and family members do not have to suffer forever. There are techniques and activities through which a person suffering from NPD can be cured of this disorder. Visit our website http://www.narcissismcured.com/ for more information regarding Domestic Abuse

The Three Fundamental Relationship Dynamics

By: Dr. Ray And Jean Kadkhodaian

Relationships are a living, breathing entity that takes on a life of its own beyond what each individual contributes. Besides the fact that relationships progress through stages of development depending on a multitude of factors, there are three fundamental dynamics that apply to all of them.

The first dynamic is, “The Law of Attraction”. People attract each other for a reason. Your partner is the perfect person to help you learn how to change, even if you end the relationship. The good news about this dynamic is that if you do not heal what is wrong in your current relationship you will get another chance in your next relationship. You will continue to attract partners with similar issues until you learn what your piece of the destructive pattern is. Doing the work to learn from this dynamic will change all of your relationships for the rest of your life for the better!

The second dynamic is, “It is easier to see outward than inward”. Couples are often very clear about what they believe their partner needs to change, but never focus on what they need to change within themselves. The only place of power you have in a relationship is to understand how you personally are contributing to and influencing the relationship. Each person is 50% responsible for the condition of their relationship, and it is the responsibility of each person in the relationship to understand what they have the power to change and how to respond to the things that they cannot change.

The third dynamic is, “Communication”. Most people have never learned all the complexities of communication including the biological factors and learned behaviors that unbeknownst to them contaminate communication. Most people report that they feel misunderstood, unfairly judged and invisible in their relationship. Communication can often become an endless dance going round and round in circles but always end up in the same stalemate. Couples need more than to just “talk more”, but to identify the problems in their communication and learn more effective ways of connecting with one another.

In recognizing and being cognizant of these three dynamics, couples can attend to the challenges that being in a relationship evokes. Changing one’s perception of these challenges into one of opportunity versus hardship can often be the factor that makes the difference between having a healthy and happy relationship or not.

Is Resentment Wreaking Havoc on Your Relationship?

By Mary Jo Rapini

It’s difficult to maintain passion and a connection in a relationship over a long period of time when you’re confronted with the rigors of life.  The challenges we face in our romantic relationships expose our strengths and our weaknesses.  Occasionally our frailties are so significant that the impact they have on our spouse and our relationship leads  us to spiral toward a state of resentment.  Once resentment rears its ugly head it has the potential to wreak havoc on your relationship.  Does that mean your relationship is then doomed to fail? The short answer: No. It’s not easy but it’s definitely do-able!

Sleeping with the enemy was a movie that came out in 1991. It was based on a couple’s violent, obsessed, and dangerous relationship. The couple appeared like the perfect couple in public, but behind closed doors the wife (played by Julia Roberts) was in fear of her life. When your relationship struggles with resentment, it can feel like you are sleeping with the enemy. The resentment is felt deeply by one of the partners and, although it is rarely discussed openly, the tension can be felt by anyone close to the couple.

Resentment is not caused by one thing, but many things that happen.  Resentment forms when someone is hurt by someone they love intensely. Feeling unappreciated, ignored, controlled or misunderstood can turn into anger and, since it is not discussed, the anger is held in. You cannot hold anger in for long without it trying to break through. It breaks through by criticizing your partner, picking on your partner, being irritable with your partner, and threatening your partner with divorce or separation.

When you are resentful, you no longer look at your partner with respect or love. Making love becomes rarer or a mechanical, emotionless act. Resentment builds over years. I have some couples who have been resentful of their partner for over ten years. A divorce typically takes 7 years to create, and the majority of those 7 years are seething with resentment. Couples who come in for counseling when resentment has taken over have a long, bumpy road ahead of them. It is not insurmountable, but it does take constant attention and a shared commitment on both sides. Resentment is like a cancer in that sometimes by the time you identify what it is, you have run out of time for a cure.


Suggestions for dissolving resentment:
1. The quickest and surest way to dissolve resentment is to communicate. You need to get the issue out in the open and talk about it. Try to put yourself in your partner’s position and understand what they were thinking and feeling. Make sure they also put themselves in your shoes so you can explain how you felt and the thoughts you were thinking. This is not a time to fight to “win” anything; it is a time to understand.
2. You may feel that holding on to resentment is punishing your partner, but it is really hurting you too. People who are resentful become bitter, and most of their relationships are harmed by their anger.
3. Allow yourself to think of your resentment for a set amount of time each day. Limit it to ten or fifteen minutes a day. When you feel resentful, it is easy to forget all the wonderful aspects of the person you are resentful of. The resentment taints everything the person says or does. When you take control of how much you allow yourself to think about it, you also control how much impact it has on your life.
4. Journal your thoughts. Many times this prevents spewing angry, bitter words to your partner. It also makes it less likely the anger will affect your health.
5. Counseling is beneficial when resentment has taken over your relationship. Counseling will help unravel the anger and resentment, and it will also help you resolve the conflicts while supporting the relationship.
Resentment cannot exist where forgiveness is practiced.

For the full article CLICK HERE

10 Mindsets That Make Good Communication Impossible

By Bill Murrell

There are certain mindsets or points of view that can be counter-productive to good communication. These errors in thinking, and if taken to the extreme, can inhibit both personal growth and growth in relationships. Here is the list:

 

1. All or nothing thinking: You see things in extremes, everything is black or white. This can be obvious or subtle for example saying ‘He is always late, but I never get angry over it’. This mindset can be that of the perfectionist also.

 

2. Minimizing or catastrophizing: You exaggerate the importance of small things. ‘The entire meal was ruined because the desert was not served promptly.’ Is this a catastrophe? An example of minimizing is taking a significant issue or event and reducing its importance so it appears inconsequential. People often do this so as not to have to deal with uncomfortable emotions or consequences.

 

3. Overgeneralization: You take a single event and draw general conclusions that it is universally true. If your date is late you say ‘All men/women are always late’.

 

4. Minimizing or qualifying the positive: If someone says you did a good job, you respond by saying ‘I could have done better’.

 

5. Jumping to conclusions: This one is pretty self explanatory. You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that really support your conclusion. ‘My boss didn’t say Hi this morning, I’m in big trouble.’ ‘My girlfriend isn’t home, she’s cheating on me.’

 

6. Mind reading: Couples are often guilty of this, if he/she loved me they would know what I want. You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting in a negative way to you and don’t bother to check it out. ‘I know what you’re thinking.’

 

7. Should and must statements: These are shame generators. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. This can be the product of inflexible and rigid thinking. ‘I must not let them see me cry.’ ‘I should have been there’. The emotional consequence of failure to adhere to the rule is shame and guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you are setting up unrealistic expectations and if they don’t behave they way they ‘should’ anger and resentment result.

 

9. Emotional Reasoning: While your feelings are valid, and they are your own, they do not necessarily reflect fact. Being frustrated at not being able to accomplish a task does not mean your are dumb. Feeling hopelessness does not mean you are hopeless.

 

10. Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative event for which, in fact, you were not really responsible. Your loan application is not approved; it does not mean the loan officer had it in for you. Your daughter does not get asked to the prom does not mean you are a poor mother.

 

While all of us may be guilty of some of these mindsets, the danger is when they become a persistent view of your self, others and the world around you.

 

Bill Urell MA, CAAP-II has been in continuous recovery for 16 years, and works as an addictions therapist at a leading residential treatment center. He teaches healthy life styles and life skills as a component of holistic addictions treatment. Visit him at AddictionRecoveryBasics.com.

My Wife Talks Too Much!

VIDEO: Is tension in the air so thick that you can just about touch it?   Are you experiencing a raised voice, a whole lot of attitude, and you can’t get a word in no matter how hard you try? How do you handle a partner who only seems to like the sound of their own voice? Listen in as the Ma’at’s weigh in on this issue and leave a comment with your thoughts.

Your Woman Needs Validation. Your Man Needs Approval.

By Team BLAM

There are certain primary love needs that men and women have. It would serve us all well to truly explore, internalize, and gain a deep understanding of what these primary needs are; because if we know what our partner needs then we can better give it.  Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all kinds of love. To acknowledge the primary love needs of women does not imply that men do not need to experience love in those ways as well.  As world renowned relationship expert, John Gray, says “What is meant by “primary need” is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able to fully receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

It’s all to easy for us to give what we need and forget that our spouse may need something else. So, today we will touch on two love needs–one for men and one for women.

Let’s talk about VALIDATION & APPROVAL.

VALIDATION is essential for a woman to feel loved. When a man does not object to or argue with a woman’s feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved. A man’s validating attitude confirms a woman’s right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he will absolutely get the approval that he primarily needs.

APPROVAL is critical for a man to feel loved. Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman’s hero or knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval. A woman’s approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesn’t always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.

Understanding the primary love needs of your partner is a powerful secret for improving your relationship. Use what you’ve learned. Seriously, try it and don’t keep it a secret. Send this article to your boo (or someone who would truly appreciate it) right now! Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

If I Hurt You, Then I’m Sorry

By Skye Thomas

This statement has stopped many a war in my house. My oldest two children are two years apart in age and would fight about everything and nothing when they were little. One would anger the other and then deny that it ever happened. One would accidentally harm the other during play and not want to accept responsibility for the other’s anger. Seldom did a day pass by that one of them wasn’t screaming at the other for some horrible crime. It never failed when I would be brought in to mediate, they’d both claim they were innocent and the other was bad. How many times did one of them try to convince me that the other was lying and just trying to frame them for a crime they didn’t commit. What’s a parent to do?

I really believe very strongly in teaching my kids to be accountable for their actions and choices. I want them to have their eyes wide open and to know full well that when they make a bad choice, bad things are likely to happen. And when they make good choices, that good things are likely to happen. I’ve worked really hard to get them to grasp the concept that if you treat people badly, they won’t like you. Also, don’t mess with other people’s stuff without asking. Doesn’t matter if you are a beautiful child of God. Nobody will want to hang out with you. Simple facts of life, but I don’t see it being taught as much as I’d like. They say that we learn our social skills from our siblings and the neighborhood kids. We role model what our parents show us, but we practice it on our peers.

One of the things I hated most in my own childhood was being forced to apologize for things I didn’t do. I also hated being forced to apologize when I was simply defending my person or my property from a known attacker, mainly my younger sister and brother. I have also had too many adults in my life apologize for things they were not sorry for and then later they just repeat the same actions over and over again. When people say they’re sorry, I often think to myself, “Good then don’t do it again.” Changing the behavior is so much more important to me then just offering up the words, “I’m sorry.” I wanted to teach my children that you should never offer fake apologies and you should only apologize when you really mean it. However, I also wanted them to take responsibility for the environment of anger that they were helping to create. Somehow I had to find the perfect peace-making face-saving way to teach all of these concepts.

What I finally stumbled across was a twisted compromise. When you are feeling falsely accused of something and the other person won’t back down, then you simply say, “If I hurt you, then I’m sorry.” Then you bite your tongue, hard. Don’t say another word. Don’t snicker and don’t sneer. Just say it straight faced and let it go at that. You can tell yourself that since you did NOT hurt them, you are NOT sorry. They can tell themselves that you are sorry since they feel that you did hurt them. You don’t actually confess to any crimes. Besides what if on some level without knowing it, you did hurt them in some way? Wouldn’t you want to have said sorry for at least that tiny part? Soon peace began to show itself at my house. They would both smugly tell themselves that they had won the war of the day. I would get the much needed peace and tranquility that I needed.

It didn’t take long at all for me to see that this statement works just as well in the adult world too. Try it at work on a coworker some time and see how well they respond. Try it in your marriage. Try it with your extended family. It works on so many different levels. It can be said in light disagreements or in major all out family wars. It always works. On some level you mean it, except for the parts where you don’t. Don’t get into arguing over exactly what parts of the fight you are sorry for or taking blame for. Agree not to bicker over the details of the apology. You can expand it to say, “If during our disagreement, I have said or done anything that has hurt you, I am sorry. That was not my intention. I never wanted to hurt you.” You are not lying and you are offering an olive branch. You really did not want to hurt the other person. You simply wanted to make your point. This allows you to save face but still begin the healing process. Try it sometime.

I don’t think it works for really heinous things like rape, murdering someone’s loved one, arson, or all out military warfare. It only works for forgivable stuff. If you believe everything and everyone is forgivable, then you can try saying it, but I expect nobody will really buy into it. If Hitler said it to the Jewish peoples or Charles Manson said it to his victims’ families, I doubt seriously that it would have created any real peace. When something truly ugly happens, you do have to flat out admit full guilt and a full real apology is mandatory before real forgiveness and healing can even begin to occur.

This form of apology isn’t for that sort of thing. This is meant only for the hundreds of petty squabbles that we get drawn into and it’s a way to create a general atmosphere of peace and healing. This is for the people that you ultimately want to stay close to. This is an apology for those annoying people that you love with all your heart, but don’t want to fight with anymore.

 Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow’s Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, soulmates, and parenting. Her books, articles, and astrological forecasts have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. To read more of her articles and to sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net
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