8 Rules To Prevent Facebook From Ruining Your Relationship

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By Zynnyme Kelly Higdon & Miranda Palmer

Before you read on, you should know I love and I loathe Facebook. I use Facebook for personal and business reasons. It has replaced email for me in a lot of ways and it is a great avenue to showcase pictures of the family to relatives that are far away. But, it is also a cause of a lot of relationship issues that I see in my office.

From cheating online to lamenting over a break up that has moved on — I hear about how Facebook has supposedly ruined their marriage or their dating relationship. But guess what? Facebook didn’t do anything. The responsibility here lies on the people involved … not the technology. Here are some quick tips for you to remember on how to keep your relationship offline and healthy. It all starts with boundaries.

1. Don’t fight. This is awkward. Really. When I see two friends go at each other, even if it is short sarcastic remarks, you can still get a sense that there is more to it than just joking. Not fighting on your Facebook page isn’t just about keeping others from feeling uncomfortable. That is secondary to the most important issue — that it isn’t fair fighting.

Fighting online may feel safer, but that is because you aren’t forced to look at each other or to be vulnerable. It is a way to avoid the intensity. Avoidance doesn’t resolve the issue. What I don’t see after my friends fight online is the fight that occurs at home and then the resolution to the fight. I am left wondering, “Are they getting along now?” “Should I say something?”

2. Nice pictures please. The risqué photos of your partner and the comments about how awesome she was in bed last night — another thing that nobody wants to see. Be aware of how you are portraying your relationship to the world. People can copy and save your pictures from Facebook with ease.

Do you want that picture shared with everyone, including your mother? Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Having fun with your intimacy is also important. However, sharing the intimate details of your relationship has the opposite effect and can leave a lasting impression on others.

3. Watch your tagging. You know when you go to a party and tag who you are with? Respect if your partner wants to be tagged or not. We all have different values of privacy, so check with your partner and see if it is okay with them first.

Maybe you are dating but haven’t shared it to everyone yet. That’s cool, but don’t tag each other in everything you are doing if you want to keep it private.

4. Relationship Status Updates. If you don’t want to be asked about your relationship, stop putting the status on your profile. You don’t even have to fill that out. I once saw a couple, married, break up and get back together and then go to “its complicated” several times over the course of a few months.

I asked one of the people about the status and their response was, “Oh I don’t want to talk about it.” Really?You don’t want to talk about it but you want everyone to see it? Sometimes people put this on their profile as a way to dig at their partner (see the above on not fighting).

5. Flirt offline. It can be fun to flirt on your partners’ profile, but don’t let it stop there! It is even more meaningful and lasting to have fun in person, to show love and affection, instead of just in the virtual world where you are safe and it is harder to feel rejected.

CLICK HERE to read more.

5 Ways To Create An Emotionally Safe Space In Your Relationship

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The lines of communication in your relationship will ALWAYS be cluttered, compromised, or closed if you fail to create a safe space for effective communication to occur.  It’s not complicated. The reason why your man won’t open up and share his intimate thoughts and feelings with you is because it’s not safe for him to do so.  The reason why your wife won’t share her desires or insecurities with you is because it’s not safe to do so.  When you feel safe you’re more willing to let down your guard and be your most authentic self.  You want to feel safe….right?  Below are 5 tips from Michael Fehlauer that will definitely put you on the right track to creating a safe space in your relationship.

1. Safe relationships involve suspending judgment –I can’t begin to recount the times I’ve jumped to conclusions regarding my judgment of someone’s motives.Even though “what” someone has done is clear, “why” they did it is rarely as obvious. It takes time and patience to discover what is in someone’s heart and what motive was behind their behavior.

2. Safe relationships involve celebrating differences – The difference between you and others is a reason for celebration. The beauty of the distinction between you, your friends, your mate and your family members can be likened to the genius of the different parts of the human body having unique functions, yet contributing to the health of the whole body.

3. Safe relationships involve honoring others – We demonstrate honor to others by respecting their perspective and opinions. When we allow others to express their views and feelings, we are communication the fact that they have value. In the Bible we read, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” [Romans 12:10]

4. Safe relationships involve being trustworthy – Tom Peters, businessman and author says,” Technique and technology are important, but adding trust is the issue of the decade.” Mahatma Gandhi said, “The moment there is suspicion about a person’s motives, everything he does becomes tainted.”

Trust is a function of both character and competence. Consequently, strive to follow through with your promises – both in word and performance.

5. Safe relationships involve respecting boundaries – Often when people feel threatened or insecure they will erect an emotional wall of protection. Resist the temptation to knock down the wall and force yourself through their boundaries. Instead through patience and understanding, create a climate where the other person feels safe enough to begin to lower the wall of protection on their own and in their own time.

Michael Fehlauer has been married to Bonnie over 30 years. They have experienced both the height of success and the devastation of failure. As a result, Michael Fehlauer and Bonnie Fehlauer have a strong desire to see the same healing they have experienced happen in the lives of others. Michael Fehlauer and Bonnie Fehlauer have traveled extensively throughout the world holding marriage and family conferences. To see more of their work visit Relationshipbuilder.com

Women…Please Don’t Push Any Of These Buttons

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By Ayize Ma’at

One of the things that I thoroughly enjoy about relationship coaching is having the privilege  of conducting same gender rap sessions.  The things that brotha’s say when surrounded by other men and when they feel that it’s a safe space  is both remarkable and emotionally gratifying.  Believe it or not….men are sensitive too.  To be able to look around and see other brotha’s smiling, nodding there heads, and tearing up enables me to have a deeper understanding about what men do and don’t want from their women in their relationships.  I teach authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability to brotha’s with the hope that they grow confident in expressing there true thoughts and feelings to you.  Ladies, in order for brotha’s to feel comfortable opening up there’s several things you may want to be mindful of.  This list of buttons (adapted from AOL BlackVoices) is lighthearted but the message of being respectful toward your man remains the solid truth.  If you’re not…you definitely run the risk of an emotional shut down.

The Mama Button
Your mom acts like bi..Whoa! Calling a man’s mother anything out her name, is a sure way to get a man’s nostrils flaring. As a matter fact, good rule of thumb for any man that’s close to his family, is to not add any family member in any of your arguments-period.

The _____Ass N***a Button
Diddy already let us know that “bitchassness” isn’t cool, but filling in the blank with b*tch, bum, broke, or gay will have a strong man breathing and counting to ten.

The Vulnerable Button
He opened up to you about how he peed in the bed until he was 15 and you used that against him when he forgot to put the toliet seat down? Sooooo not cool.

The EX Button
Men have a very ego driven nature, hearing I wish you were as ________as my ex, will get their blood boiling just to know you still think about your ex.

The Inferior Button
Treating a man like a child, belittling, or always emasculating a man are sure fire ways to get him on TV – A&E’s “The First 48.”

The Penis Button
Women love to talk about how inadequate the size of a man’s member is once sh^t hits the fan. “Third leg? Please, that’s barely a third toe,” let’s not insult his manhood, especially if a makeup session is the relationships future.

The Hypocrite Button
You tell him how much he needs to change his life and stop going to bars and clubs, yet every weekend you’re out with your girls? Stop the games. A man hates being told what to do, so don’t add insult to injury by being a hypocrite.

The Pregnancy Button
Run for cover if you tell a man you’re pregnant… and that it’s not his. Get ready to get him doubly mad to find out you lied about being pregnant as some diabolical plan to bring him closer or get money.

Have you pushed any of these buttons during your relationship?  Are you pushing them now?  If so  STOP IT!!!!!!  You’re not helping your love….you are hurting your love.

The Pleasure Principle: Will You Commit To Pleasuring Your Spouse?

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By Aiyana Ma’at

The Pleasure Principle. We heard Janet sing about it and I’m sure there are all kinds of images that come to mind when you read those two words. But, here’s what I want you to take away from this. Lean in…read this next part s-l-o-w-l-y and really try to take in what I am about to say:

Happily married couples stay focused on one ultimate goal which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain.

I know what you’re thinking “Whoop-dee-doo. Thanks for that oh so critical insight Aiyana”.  Yawn. But, lean in again read it a little more s-l-o-w-l-y and DON’T MISS THIS:

Happily married couples stay focused on one ultimate goal which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain.

It may sound simplistic or even unrealistic. It’s easy to say but 9 times out of 10 is really hard todo.

For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, “Is what I’m about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?”

Really. Get into it. You might even try including your boo.

To see how you’re doing in this area, each of you should make two lists:

One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain and another which clearly identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure.

Now, swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!

I really want ya’ll to try this. I’m doing this with my hubby, Ayize, tomorrow (we’re writing our lists today) and I’ll let you know how it goes. Let me know how it works for you—and no excuses—your spouse doesn’t have to participate or even know what you’re doing in order for you to do it.

So, c’mon let’ take it to the next level.

Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

10 Reasons Why Your Spouse Ain’t Listening To You

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By John M. Grohol, Psy.D

We’re all guilty of not listening at one point or another in our lives. We tune others out while we’re watching the TV, or trying to concentrate on something we’re reading. Nowadays, we try hard to multi-task between twitter and texting, but inevitably that means we’re not always listening to someone who’s trying to talk to us.

Believe it or not, listening is a skill just like writing or playing football is. That’s good news, because it also means you can learn to listenand be with the person who’s talking to you when they’re talking to you. In the meantime, it helps to understand some of the reasons we don’t listen. By identifying those reasons that ring true, you can then work on improving your listening skills, focusing on being aware of those reasons next time you find yourself not listening.

Awareness itself is not enough, however. You may need to practice “active listening” skills as well, and spend some time and effort in re-learning your normal listening behaviors. Being there when a person is talking to you can be a very rewarding experience, and often can enhance an existing relationship with friends, family, or your significant other.

1. Truth

You take a dualistic position that you are right and the other person is wrong. Dualism supports a preoccupation with proving your point of view. Directly expressing your feelings and thoughts without needing to be “right” allows you to express yourself, and listen to and understand others (without binding your communication to a right/wrong mindset).

2. Blame

You believe that the problem is the other person’s fault. “Owning” your problem (also called problem ownership, which means to take responsibility for it), based on the identification of your needs, is a functional alternative to a “blame-game” (e.g., to attribute to others what may not reflect their personal reality).

3. Need to be a Victim

You feel sorry for yourself and think that other people are treating you unfairly because they are insensitive and selfish. Listening minimizes becoming a voluntary victim or martyr — a position commonly observed when an individual performs tasks for others without their explicit request or approval.

4. Self-Deception

An individual’s behavior can contribute to an interpersonal relationship problem although he or she does not “own” the problem. A “blind spot” prevents an individual from being aware of how her or his behavior affects others. An individual may be evaluated as dogmatic or stubborn. However, the person who’s doing the evaluating could be unaware of her or his tendency to be oppositional with regard to that person’s thoughts and ideas.

5. Defensiveness

You are so fearful of criticism that you cannot listen when someone shares anything negative or unacceptable. Instead of listening and evaluating the perceptions of an individual, you prefer to defend yourself.

6. Coercion Sensitivity

You are uncomfortable with being supervised or given task-related instructions. Without concrete evidence, a position is taken that specific or general others are controlling and domineering; therefore, you must defend yourself.

7. Being Demanding

You feel entitled to better treatment from others, and you get frustrated when they do not treat you in a manner that is consistent with your entitlement. An insistence that they are unreasonable, and should not behave the way they do, negates your ability to understand the probable needs that are met through the other person’s behavior.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Just Because You Don’t Understand Your Partner’s Pain Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real

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In the “First Do No Harm” (healthy relationships) chapter of Living Well, Despite Catchin’ Hell (which everyone can read, not only Black women/men), Dr. Melody T. McCloud included eighteen medical “pearls of wisdom” to help readers heal and bolster their interpersonal relationships.

Check out an excerpt of her much talked about book below and remember that just because you can’t feel, see, or understand something doesn’t mean it’s not valid or  real. You can find more of Dr. McCloud’s work at Psychology Today.com.

“NEVER UNDERESTIMATE HOW MUCH SOMEONE HURTS”:

A friend once informed me he was “almost finished with chemotherapy.” When he volunteered the details, he told me, “It took six months for them to make the diagnosis. I kept telling the doctors about my pain, but I don’t think they believed me! Initial tests didn’t show anything and they’d always just tell me to ‘go home.’ Only after six months of my insisting that I had severely intense pain did they finally seriously pursue a workup…and found I had lymphoma.”

As a physician (and as a friend), I was upset as I thought about how much valuable time was lost in his case. Months of suffering and pain he endured could have been avoided, and his treatment could have begun so much earlier, had his complaints been taken seriously and earnestly evaluated. That gentleman is now dead.

In affairs of the heart, pain is oftentimes as much a part of the relationship as are love and glee. The very thing (and person) that can give you so much pleasure and joy can likewise cause an equal degree of pain and emotional distress.

For this reason, it is very important that you never underestimate how much someone hurts. Just because you can’t see the pain–or you feel that what your spouse or friend says hurts them shouldn’t hurt because after all, it doesn’t hurt you–doesn’t mean the pain is not real and extremely palpable to him or her. What hurts them to the core may not even ruffle one feather of yours. But don’t be insensitive. If someone you love actually has the courage to tell you, “This has hurt me,” make sure you actually hear what’s being said…and not just the formulation of the words, but the heartfelt, pained emotions behind those words.

Have you ever noticed that when there has been some argument or breakdown in communication between you and your loved one or friend, it’s because one of you has experienced pain? If the expression of that pain is ignored, and the emotion is actually minimized by your loved one, then another more volatile emotion usually erupts–anger.

The sooner you appreciate another’s pain, the sooner the emotional issue can be identified, and the sooner the healing can begin.

For the full article, CLICK HERE.

I’m Ready To Leave My Husband Because He Left Me Long Ago

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VIDEO: What do you do when you feel like you’ve done all you can do in your relationship? Is it time to walk away? How can you continue to work when you feel like you’re the only one working on your relationship? Do you walk away? Just because you feel something doesn’t necessarily make it so. Often times there is more you can do; it just requires you to stretch beyond your comfort zone just a little bit more. Listen in to see just what “stretching beyond your comfort zone” looks like.

CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE to get a RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

Are You A Compassionate Listener?

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By Dr. Linda Miles

It is difficult to become a good listener who both validates the pain of the other, while maintaining the ability to look at themselves. Each person must listen compassionately to themselves and each other.

Within many relationships, rather than engaging in compassionate listening, many couples polarize. One partner is the voice of reason, the head, while the other partner is the voice of emotion, the heart. These patterns often create communication problems, which hardly begins to touch on the angst that can be felt between couples.

While, listening with both our hearts and our heads is valuable, neither is complete by itself, because listening with both makes one complete person. Someone who uses just their head while listening is using their intellect and knowledge, and when used individually, without the hearts part, it can be cold and indifferent. When listening with just the heart compassion turns into confused feelings.

A compassionate listener is someone who listens with both their head and their heart.

Here are traits of a compassionate listener:

They are commited to listening.

They have the intention of understanding, as deeply as possible, the message and concerns of others.

They seek to understand the reality of another through both compassion and understanding.

They refrain from verbal and nonverbal judgments.

They are physically and mentally ready to listen.

They validate their understanding of the other’s reality before expressing their opinion.

They create a balance between their head and their heart.

They remain present and are in the here and now.

They are open to new learning experiences about their own behaviors.

They self-evaluate and can laugh at themselves.

Are you willing to extend beyond your comfort zone to become a compassionate listener?

Author, Dr. Linda Miles, is deeply committed to helping individuals and couples achieve rewarding relationships. Find more relationship ideas and relaxation techniques on her web site and in the award-winning book she co-authored, The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth, and Train Your Brain: For Successful Relationships, CD. 
http://www.drlindamiles.com 

Dangerous Relationship Advice That Can Kill Your Relationship

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By Ruth Purple

The beliefs and rules you live by in life play a huge factor in how you engage in relationships. Your relationship is succeeding or failing based on those beliefs and rules.  Many of the beliefs you have are limiting and are steering you in the wrong direction. It’s time to break free from those beliefs, break free from the wrong rules and bad relationship advice.  In case you’re wondering what some of those limiting beliefs look like…check out these HAZARDOUS love tips below.

Relationship Advice #1: “Your romantic affair would be better if you straighten your partner out.” Never entrap your mind believing that if you change your partner; your togetherness will be great. Once and for all, you have to let go of the childish notion that other people are responsible for your own happiness.

Relationship Advice #2: “There is a right way and a wrong way to make your love life successful.” Each person is unique and when two unique individuals come together, it creates a very special and distinct bonding.

There is no definite way or “rule” to have a successful love-affair.

Relationship Advice #3: “A deep and loving affair has nothing to do with sex.” Believing that sex is unimportant is detrimental to your relationship. Sex is what makes your bond special. It takes you to a deep level of intimacy. It takes you away from your daily pressures. Give time to savor and enjoy this gift in your romantic affair.

Relationship Advice #4: “A successful togetherness allows you to vent all your feelings.” Having the privilege to pour your heart- out in a relationship is truly fulfilling, but when you utter something out in the peak of your anger, then it can be a totally different thing.

You are taking a risk of hurting your romance permanently. Uncensored venting has caused so many couples to break-up because one partner cannot forgive what the other partner has said during the heat of the moment. When you are angry, get out and steam-out. Bite your tongue before you say something that you might regret for the rest of your life.

Relationship Advice #5: “A successful relationship is a peaceful one.” Everybody argues, even the most emotionally stable couple. Arguing can actually be healthy, as long as it’s approached properly. It can release tension and deep-seated issues and inculcate a sense of trust knowing that you can share your deep-seated issues without being embarrassed or forsaken. So don’t worry about how many times you argue, instead worry about how you argue. When you argue, focus on the issue at hand and never attack your partner. And be sure to have a closure after each argument, you may agree to disagree, but be sure that both of you achieved closure.

Relationship Advice #6: “A successful togetherness requires great romance.” Yes, your love-affair should have enough romance to last you a lifetime. But you have to be realistic enough to know that the wild passion of romance occurs only in the first phase of the relationship (honeymoon stage), after a while it matures into a more secure, deep kind of love. It doesn’t mean that when the wild passion had fade- away there is something wrong with your togetherness. It just simply means that you are moving into another higher level of intimacy. You can still experience that “wild passion” but not as often as before.

There are many “how to’s” out there that tell you what to do and not what to do, but I have always believed that each relationship is special and they should only do what works for them. Do not be afraid to explore and have fun at the same time.

The author of this article, Ruth Purple , is a Relationship and Dating Expert. You can check out more of her work at www.relazine.com

Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at On The Toni & Griff Show (REPLAY)

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In case you missed it…late last week we were invited to contribute our insight and energy to Atlanata’s Toni & Griff Show.  On the show we talked about challenges we had in our relationship regarding expectations and the oh so necessary art of communication.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and we hope you’re able to pull some useful info from the dialogue.