Do You Have Trouble Keeping Your Mouth Shut?

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By Mark Webb

Do You Have Trouble Keeping Your Mouth Shut?

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. If you answered yes to the title question I am sure you have realized the truth in this quote by Ambrose Bierce. In order to gain control over your tongue you must be determined to see things differently. People who lose their temper tend to view life in a negative and judgmental way. You have the ability to direct your mind away from angry and upset feelings. You need to realize that you can have peace of mind instead of conflict.

This article will cover a variety of mindsets and behaviors that will teach you how to keep your mouth shut when you are angry. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Remember that you have two ears and only one mouth. Use them in this proportion. Its better to be a good listener than to be a good speaker. Listen carefully to what the other person has to say. Take your time before giving them an answer.

Dont be double minded. You cant have peace of mind and conflict at the same time. Be clearly focused on the outcome that you want. (Example: I want to go to bed tonight feeling close to my partner.).

You cant be right and be married. You have to decide Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Trying to be right will destroy the connection between you. Instead, strive to do the right thing.

Dont jump to conclusions. Slow down and think through the situation. Dont say the first thing that comes into your head. I often hear people say, I cannot keep from saying the thoughts I have. You can and you must. As I was writing this, my daughter reminded me of Thumpers quote in the movie, Bambi. If you cant say something nice dont say nothing at all. This is always good advice.

Dont overreact to criticism. Beneath the criticism is an underlying message. Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings. I compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap. What happens when the mouse takes the cheese? He gets his tail caught in the trap. Thats what happens when you take the bait of criticism. Dont take the bait. Listen for the underlying message.

Stay away from negative thoughts and statements like, I hate this! This is driving me crazy! I cant stand this! These types of statements are like throwing gasoline on a fire. You are making it much more intense. Replace these with positive declarations such as I can handle this. This is not that big of a deal. I have unshakeable peace of mind. Nothing bothers me. Your thoughts will direct your emotions. Choose positive thoughts that help you keep your peace.

If someone uses absolute terms like always, never, everybody, and nobody; dont take them literally. These are emotional terms. If your wife says You never take me anywhere. and you know thats not true; dont take it as a personal attack. Try and hear her underlying request that she needs to know she is special and she wants to spend some time with you.

Dont overreact and dont give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.

Dont try to get in the last word. Its not worth the damage you could do by trying to win or be heard.

If you are angry repeat this scripture based verse in your head, In all things be self controlled. Say it over and over so that you don’t get derailed into an argument.

There is life and death in the spoken word. Make sure your words build people up versus tearing them down. Remember to breathe. Stick with the basics. When you are upset, take a few deep breaths. Strive to use an approach that promotes honor and respect. This can make the difference between a twenty minute argument and a 3 day war. Realize that your anger most likely is not going to help solve the problem and may actually make the matter worse. Calmness will help you get to the heart of the matter. This leads to conflict resolution. Trying to be right or show your might will lead to conflict.  Staying connected is more important than making your point.

The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you. You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future. All it takes is a decision. Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret. Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons. Develop the power of a tamed tongue.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships?. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

Marriage Wisdom: The BEST Reaction To An Angry Spouse? Acknowledge Their Feelings BEFORE Expressing Your Point Of View

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By Marc Sadoff

The need to defend oneself is a powerful reflex. So powerful that it makes people say things that only gets them into more trouble. Showing that you see how you may be responsible for causing your partner’s hurt or anger and that you care about it enough to do something goes against our natural instinct to protect ourselves.

I saw a special on Discovery cable about the training of Secret Service agents who protect the President. The head of training the agents said that when most people hear a gunshot they have a natural reflex to move away from the sound of the shot. He saw one of his difficult tasks as retraining his agents to MOVE TOWARD the sound so the agent could quickly disarm the assassin or protect the president.

When a person feels attacked by their partner the most natural human response is to defend oneself. Defending can be through defensive arguments, by withdrawal or by attacking back. The goal of the First Pants…then Shoes method is to respond to the anger of another without making things worse by defending yourself right off the bat. You can always defend yourself later. But once you’ve begun defending the other person legitimately feels you are not listening or that you don’t care.

We call that ‘Putting on your shoes before your pants.’

At some time growing up you probably learned that if you put your shoes on before you put on your pants, then putting on your pants becomes a difficult, if not impossible task. We learn this sequence and rarely make the mistake of reversing the order later in life; because of the difficulty that it creates.

The shoes in our analogy represents defending oneself by making excuses or trying to get our point of view heard first. The metaphor of ‘First Pants …then Shoes’ reflects the idea that anger can be handled better for all concerned if we deal with it in a certain order.

The first instinct is to defend yourself. But instead you respond to your partner in a way that shows that you are responsible and that you care about how she was affected. This means that when you hear your partner’s angry offended tone of voice your first you MOVE TOWARD THE ANGER in a way that shows you’re interested in addressing it. Yeah, relationships are tough. This almost makes the Secret Service Training look attractive, doesn’t it?

Without accepting all the blame can you see where maybe you made a small mistake. Are you even 2% responsible for the problem and how that affects your partner? Your tone of voice? Your assumptions?….

Is it possible that you were insensitive, fearful, dishonest, mean or selfish? Are you capable of saying any of these things about yourself? Are you capable of saying these things before you get the other to understand your point of view?

For example: Kevin is late again in coming home from the office. Kevin knows that his wife , Shonda, has reason to be upset that he was late for dinner, but was so irritated by the tone of her scolding voice that he failed to acknowledge her feelings and instead defended himself by saying angrily “It’s not so big a deal. You’ve been late, before too!” which only made her more mad.

If he had first acknowledged that indeed he was late and showed that he understood how he affected her, he could then proceed to talk about being irritated by her tone of voice. She would not be so infuriated at him for invalidating her feelings that perhaps she would then be willing to listen to his feelings about being being talked to in a scolding manner.

The emphasis here is on the sequence of acknowledging the other’s feelings before getting the other to understand YOUR point of view. That means listening and reflecting feelings of your partner, even when you believe that the thoughts, those feelings are based on, are inaccurate.

Kevin demonstrates this if he says “I’m sorry that my being late again hurt you.”; even when he knows that the accident on the freeway coming home from work is an understandable excuse. Shonda would rather hear that he’s concerned with her experience than that he’s got a good excuse.

The ‘First Pants then Shoes’ technique deals first with the issue of responsibility. First acknowledge that your behavior affected the other person, then defend yourself by explaining your side. Isn’t it true that Kevin’s history of being late and the fact that he is late again is the cause of Shonda’s hurt and angry feelings? What does Kevin lose by simply acknowledging this fact? He’ll have time to give his reasons later. If he’s more concerned with being right than with how his wife feels he will be right, but he will also be alone. He’s distanced Shonda by showing her that it was more important to defend himself than to show that he cares about how she felt.

If he fails to acknowledge how it makes sense for Shonda to be upset he’ll spend hours arguing with her, when he could be done with the conflict in three minutes!!

Picture your most comfortable pair of jeans or slacks. Now see the words ‘I did something’ embossed on the right pant leg and the word “I understand how that could affect you.” embossed on on the left pant leg. The shoes represent trying to get the other to see your viewpoint, rationale and feelings about a situation first. Now go ahead and put your shoes on first. Yes, they go on! “Halleleuia! I got my excuse out there first. I made sure that my excuse was loudly proclaimed. Now that I’ve explained myself she’ll stop hammering me won’t she? I’ll show her that I care about her feelings AFTER I exonerate myself. Oh sure, I care about what you went through Shonda.” Now try getting your pants on (showing her that you’re aware your behavior affected her and that you care). It’s very difficult to do. Once Shonda had to fight to get her feelings heard she becomes even harder for Kevin to console. She doesn’t want to fight to have her feelings heard.

This is a shame because Kevin actually does care about Shonda’s feelings… He was just more interested in defending himself. He put on his shoes first. It’s just the sequence! Show you understand first..then defend, or present your point of view.

It sounds simple doesn’t it? It is simple. It’s just not easy. But, it can be done.

BLAM Fam: How important is it to “put on your pants before your shoes” when dealing with your angry spouse? Thoughts???

Marc Sadoff has been a psychotherapist for over 25 years treating people with depression, anxiety and posttraumatic stress disorders. Twenty-two years ago he began his work in domestic violence men’s groups and continues to co-facilitate a weekly group for abusive men in Los Angeles, CA. Visit him at Realhope.com

DC! Join Us TONIGHT For Some Real Talk On How To Connect And Communicate More Effectively In Your Relationship

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By Team BLAM

Come hang with us as we hash it out, talk it out, and put everything on the table in what will be a not soon forgotten experience. Be prepared to come, have fun, and leave with life-changing lessons at this FREE event!

 

WHAT: “Can You Hear Me Now? What do you do when your otherwise smart spouse is deaf, dumb, and disconnected from you?

 

WHEN: December 18, 2012 7pm-9pm

 

WHERE: Union Temple Baptist Church; 1225 W Street, SE Washington, DC 20020

 

FOR MORE INFO CALL: 202-599-0234 OR 202-678-8822

Do You Respect Me Enough To Listen To Me?

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By Maia Berens

I really love my husband. I respect him. I am proud of him. I am proud to be in a relationship with him. So where does the evil little bitch that I can be come from? Is it from my past? Is it hormones? Is it morning blues? YUK!!!!

Here’s what happened this morning. I got up earlier than usual which for some reason brought me to my computer. That’s always a mistake first thing in the morning. I get pulled into work so now on top of the usual duties I’ve assigned myself in the morning – putting dishes away, making the Martian’s lunch, making his breakfast. By going to my computer, I now subconsciously have taken on my career duties as well.

So the Martian, who had gotten up before me and was relaxing with a cup of tea on the couch started sharing stuff from work with me. He teaches high school science and physics. He asked me a couple of times if I was listening and I said “yes” although truthfully his talking and relaxing was beginning to annoy me because I was working, stressed, blah, blah, blah – you got it –

Now why would I think that working at 4:30 in the morning is more important than connecting with my husband and hearing a beautiful story about one of his students. It was so moving to him, he was choked up with feeling and I was WORKING!

Oy! Well, fortunately I saw my stuff quickly, apologized and – HOPEFULLY – learned something.

Maia Berens helps women overcome their blocks to their own growth. Her self-coaching, group and private coaching, provide women with the safety and inspiration to change their lives. For more articles, information, and a totally free year of personal growth assignments, visit www.allaboutlifecoaching.com and make sure you click on the Ask a Coach Community button.

A Message To Black Women…My Name Is Aiyana And I’m A Recovering Aggressoholic

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VIDEO: This is a message to Black Women everywhere. But, more than that this is a Declaration for myself and a Call to Black Women everywhere to take a step back, chill out, calm down, and…shut up…Yeah, I said it. Talk less. Listen more. Stop acting as if the world is conspiring against you! Whoaa! Harsh??? Well, I am black. I am a woman. And, I am loving discovering the softer side of me…

Apologize – The Way To Make It Right Again

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By Ruth Purple

As human beings, we are all prone to mistakes, as a matter of fact; it is synonymous to making mistakes. But as human beings, we are also given a choice to redeem ourselves from the mistakes we did through apologizing. For some, it is an arduous task, because their pride gets in the way. But if you want to make things right again and want to know how to say sorry with all sincerity, then here are some tips for you:

* Know what you are apologizing for. Did you say something hurtful? Did you break a promise? You can’t apologize sincerely if you don’t know what you are apologizing about. Have an awareness of how you hurt the offended person, so that you will know exactly how to make it up to them.

* Take full responsibility. When apologizing, don’t make excuses or blame other people. Keep in mind that an apology with an excuse is not as apology. Other people or unavoidable circumstances may have contributed to the situation, but you cannot apologize for them. You can only say you’re sorry for yourself. So stop blaming other people.

* Find the right timing for apologizing. Some people say that you should apologize right after you did the deed, but it can sometimes aggravate things. Give a little time for the offended party to calm down before approaching and apologizing.

* Face to face apology works best. An apology through e-mail, text message, or phone can come as insincere. One factor that makes apologizing very effective is the effort you exerted in doing it. Unless of course, it’s impossible for you to face the offended person personally, then a phone call or e-mail can be enough.

* The proper way of apologizing is to be specific about your offense, followed by the pain or damage it caused. For example: “I’m sorry, I’m 15 minutes late, honey, and I hope you don’t feel neglected. Just tell me how I can make it right again.”

* Validate their feelings. Never say: “I’m sorry you feel that way….” or “I’m sorry you feel offended…” or “I’m sorry but…” You make it sound like you are blaming the other person for being offended or too sensitive.

* Have the awareness on what caused you to offend the other person. Explain the underlying cause of you irrational deed to the person you are apologizing to, but never make it as an excuse. After explaining, present to them a solution on how you can avoid the problem again. Example: “I’m sorry I snapped and mentioned some harsh words. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. Just tell me how I can make it up to you. I was so stressed- out at work lately, I have deadlines one after another. It won’t happen again. I enrolled in time management training and signed- up for some relaxation activity…”

* Tell the person you offended how important he or she is to you. After explaining the underlying reason of your offense, reiterate how important that person is to you and you don’t what to create permanent damage in your relationship.

* Be patient. After apologizing, don’t expect things will turn out the way you expect it to be. Just be thankful the offended party gave time to hear your apology. They may want to forgive you, but they need a little more time to cool- off, or sometimes they may have certain conditions before totally forgiving you, whatever it is, be ready to take the consequences of your actions.

* Keep your promises. If you promised not to do a certain deed again, then swear in your life that you will not do it again. Because a person who doesn’t value his words, is a person who doesn’t deserved to be valued.

The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years.

Your Method Is Messing Up Your Marriage. When Telling The Truth Doesn’t Work.

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By Anna Kleimer

Because we see truth through the filter of our beliefs, each of us sees the truth differently and those differences can lead to misunderstandings or worse, lead us to live unfulfilled lives.

There are three crucial questions to ask before speaking the truth. These questions will make your life and the lives of those around you more peaceful and much, much happier, enabling you to live in charge of your life.

Truth Question Number One: is the “truth” in fact true? It may be a lie or it may be your perception, version or impression of the truth. It may be something which sounds good or right, or something that you believe ought to be the truth, but is it in fact “a truth” of the universe? If it is not “the truth,” then there is no reason to ever say it.

Truth Question Number Two: is it a truth that really has to be said? If you follow this rule, you will reduce the number of problems arising out of telling the truth by at least 50%. If telling the truth will change you and no one else, tell yourself and be quiet. If telling the truth will change you in a positive manner and not hurt someone else, by all means tell it. But if telling the truth is going to have no more effect than writing on water, there is no need to say it. If telling the truth has no beneficial outcome other than for you to hear the sound of your own voice, there is no need to say it, because you already know what your voice sounds like.

Truth Question Number Three: can the truth be said and heard in a kind and loving manner? Following this rule will save you the remaining problems that arise from telling the truth. It is not sufficient that the truth be told, it must be told kindly and lovingly. The listener also needs to be in a time and place that the truth can be heard, otherwise it will be rejected, and rejected truth is no truth at all.

Use the three truth questions to enrich and enhance your life so you can live your life in peace and harmony. Consider the following example:

Sharon and David were a power couple. Everything they did they did well. They were not driven – they were supercharged. Each of them was extremely successful in business. They each had founded their own companies and grown them into multi-million dollar enterprises. They were hard-driving, focused, dictatorial. Being right was an important part of their personalities, and with their remarkable minds and memories they usually were right.

For both Sharon and David being right and telling the truth were the same. They were always improving the world by correcting everything and everybody around them. If someone told a story and said it happened on Monday when the truth was it happened on Tuesday, Sharon and David would immediately correct the speaker. It was irrelevant to them if the day of the story was important or not. Sharon and David never even understood the harm they were causing by their constant truthfulness.

Between themselves they failed to show each other kindness or gentleness. Only the “truth” was important. If Sharon asked how she looked in a particular dress, David would tell his truth no matter how hurtful it was. When David asked Sharon for her opinion on his appearance she would tell her truth. Her truths were as hurtful and painful as David’s truths.

When it came to their businesses, they each took a no-holds-barred approach. The cruelty of their remarks to each other and business associates was appalling. Their intellectual brilliance could not make up for the hurtfulness of their approach to truth-telling. Their work and their marriage became a series of one step forward and two steps backward exercises. Their marriage was a war of constant correction, ridicule, berating and belittling, all in the name of truth telling.

Once Sharon and David agreed to listen to others, to truly understand the impact their words were having, they began to realize the importance of kindness when telling the truth. It took a lot of hard work and time on their part, but they are happy they have changed. Their businesses are better than ever. More importantly, they have a warm, affectionate and loving marriage, a marriage they each fully support and enjoy.

BLAM Fam: Change is hard but are you willing to honestly look at how you “keep it real” or tell the truth in your relationship and make changes where you know you need to?

Art and Anna Kleimer are certified professional coaches with an international practice, and authors of Power Living, Living Your Life, Liberty and Happiness.

How To Support Your Man When He Withdraws & Won’t Talk

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By Team  BLAM

Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his “cave” to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man’s best friends. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They just need to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.

This lesson is difficult for women because one of the golden rules for women is never to abandon a friend when she is going through. She loves him–and therefore–tries to support him in the way that she would want to be supported. So, she asks him lots of questions about how he is feeling and tries to be a good listener thinking then he will feel better. But, it doesn’t. In fact, it can do the exact opposite. Constantly trying to get him to talk makes him shut down more and when she gets upset and is offended because he won’t talk to her—well now the problem is even more complicated. He has to think about what’s bothering him and now add to that–why you’re now upset. It’s even harder for a man to begin talking when he’s ready if he feels his partner disapproves of the time he took to himself.

When a man withdraws he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. And, ladies here’s a quick tip: Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.

How To Support Your Man When He Withdraws

1. Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing in the first place.

2. Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.

3. Don’t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.

4. Don’t sit around looking all pathetic while you wait for him to open up to you.

5. Don’t worry about him or feel sorry for him.

6. Do something that will distract you and make you happy.

Arguing Can Steal Your Love And Your Life

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By Denis Francis

Arguments are a complete waste of emotional and physical energy. They make us emotional and physically ill. Many people die from heart attacks and strokes while arguing. People can lose control and physically hurt or kill another person when arguing. The common physical response to stressful situations such as arguing is increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, increased respiration, increased cortisol production. All which contribute to illness and death. Ultimately then, arguing slowly wears on our physical well being and is certainly a waste of our time and energy

Does arguing ever solve an issue? How can it when the arguers are caught up in the emotion of anger instead of listening and resolve.

Arguing can become such a habit between couples that they can never resolve any differences, thus they grow apart. Constant arguers seek to control and dominate. They are all about imposing themselves on others. For them, logic, truth, intelligence, facts and even your point of view doesn’t really come into it. Interestingly, underneath their tough and, or, aggressive exterior, they are often insecure, fearful and weak. Just simply feel they are better than the other person and they have to win the argument.

The only person you can control is yourself. Find a better way to resolve issues. It is a challenge, but worth the effort to learn new ways to settle problems. Agreeing to disagree is always a good start. This cools the air, and allows two or more people to have a calm discussion, or even drop the subject that is disagreed upon. Another way to not argue is to just say, “can we talk about this at another time when we’ve both cooled off and had time to think it over?” Then walk away peacefully. Remember, arguing is always a waste of time.

Children are taught to argue at early ages, when that is all they hear. Babies and young children find arguing between adults frightening. Children mimic what they see and hear. They can be prone to angry outbursts if that is what they see regularly with adults. Angry outbursts between parents seen regularly can stunt psychological growth in children. Children are born to be in happy, peaceful environments to thrive. When brought up around arguing and bickering on a regular basis they will either have angry outbursts, become withdrawn, or fearful of other playmates.

Even unborn babies in the womb can feel stress from the mother. They can hear the voices that are speaking outside of the womb and of course, their mother’s voice, and can even cry before they are born. My new granddaughter came out of the womb literally yelling at times instead of crying. Her parents argued constantly while my daughter was pregnant, I am sorry to say. My granddaughter is 3 months old and is vocalizing by yelling. I had never seen a baby do this before. I can only believe that she was influenced by her parents and that is the result. ( I cautioned them about their arguing during the pregnancy, but to no avail.)

We never think about losing someone close to us after an argument. Life is unpredictable, and you never know when the end may come. I lost my late husband a few years ago unexpectedly. It was the worst traumatic experience in my entire life. We had not ever really argued, thank God. We had only been married a short time and were in our newlywed phase which probably spared us from arguing. But I thought about what if we had argued about something and then he passed away. How I would have hated myself for it. Until you have lost a loved one, you may never really ponder this, but I am here to tell you that, that is why arguing is a complete waste of precious time.

We are human beings and prone to arguments. I will not deny this. I am now remarried and my husband and I try very hard to never argue. We like to agree to disagree or settle our differences with calm resolve. If we do get angry, we forgive each other right away and do not let the disagreement linger. This has made for a wonderful relationship.

This article was written to deal with verbal arguments only. Physical violence and abuse is a totally different subject.

Arguing makes us and others feel sick. It is in reality a total waste of time and energy. There are better ways to solve problems than arguing. It is a learning process and an effort on one’s part to not argue. If arguing is your thing, get psychological help to overcome this habit.

The Difference Between Offensive & Defensive Players In Relationships

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By Dwayne L. Buckingham

From personal and professional experiences, I have come to understand that relationships are only as successful as the players who establish and participate in them. I have also come to understand that the lack of understanding of the differences between offensive players and defensive players in relationships can cause and/or contribute to all out warfare and unhappiness in a relationship.

 

Relationships typically consist of 2 players who either take on one role or in some cases two roles. However, regardless of the nature or number of roles individuals play in their relationships, usually the goal of both players is to feel safe and to be happy. This is where things get complicated and tricky. Depending on individuals’ past relationship experiences their ability to feel safe and be happy will look totally different. Research has shown that individuals’ past experiences and coping styles often influence the kind of player they become. For example, individuals who have experienced relationship hardship and have unsuccessfully resolved it are more likely to become defensive players. On the other hand, individuals who have experienced relationship hardship and have successfully resolved it are more likely to become offensive players.

 

Understanding the kind of player you are and learning to identify the kind of player with whom you desire to have a relationship with is critical to your relationship prosperity and happiness. Each player may have different means or ways that influence how he or she may achieve his or her goal of feeling safe and being happy. Some players enter relationships with the ability to play both offense and defense. However, some individuals enter relationships and only know how to play defense. With this in mind, it is imperative that you learn the difference between offensive players and defensive players in relationships.

 

Offensive Players

 

Offensive players enter relationships with an “us mentality” and look for opportunities to build up and support their significant other. They strive to advance their relationships by participating in activities that will stimulate personal and interpersonal growth. Offensive players are more likely to engage in behavior that is best suited for the relationship and will place just as much emphasis on the needs of the relationship as their own. Offensive players are prevention orientated and look to develop plans in order to minimize drama. They make things happen. Just like quarterbacks, running backs and receivers, they try to anticipate what will happen and respond accordingly with the intent to advance.

 

Team first is their mode of operation. This can occur in the form of praise, encouragement and support. They cheer when they are capable of helping themselves and their partners advance. Their primary focus is to build up and mobilize their partners. From a relationship standpoint, offensive players are typically open-minded, trusting, optimistic and proactive.

 

Defensive Players

 

Defensive players enter relationships with a “me mentality” and look for opportunities to identify and exploit weaknesses in their significant other. They defend themselves by blocking or avoiding interactions or situations that cause them to feel out of control or uncomfortable. Unfortunately, defensive players are more likely to engage in behavior that is best suited for them and will put their needs before the needs of the relationship. However, they will occasionally engage in maneuvers that will benefit the relationship. Defensive players are reactionary orientated and look to adjust to drama as oppose to preventing it. They sit back and wait. Just like defensive backs, safeties and outside linebackers, they try to anticipate what will happen and respond accordingly with the intent to stop advancement.

 

One up is their mode of operation. This can occur in the form of belittling, over talking and manipulation. They cheer when they are capable of preventing their partner from scoring or advancing. Their primary focus is to breakdown or immobilize their partners. From a relationship standpoint, defensive players are closed-minded, non-trusting, guarded and reactive.

 

Know the Difference

 

Be mindful that both offensive and defensive players engage in behavior to accomplish the same goal: To feel safe and be happy. Offensive players strive to achieve safety and happiness by engaging in proactive and assertive behavior that will advance their relationship. In contrast, defensive players strive to achieve safety and happiness by engaging in reactionary and aggressive behavior that block advancement in their relationship.

 

If you desire to have a healthy and prosperous relationship, you must learn how to distinguish between the two kinds of players. I encourage you to view your relationship as a game to be won. Let me be clear, I did not say play games. Knowing what you want and selecting the right player is critical to your relationship happiness. Before you enter into a relationship, I want you to think about and answer the following two questions: 1) Do you want to have a relationship with a defensive player who will sit back and hinder advancement or with an offensive player who will be proactive and facilitate advancement?; and 2) What kind of player are you?

 

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham is a renowned psychotherapist, motivational speaker, author and activist who provide individual and marital therapy to military soldiers and their families assigned to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. He is also the founder and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, LLC located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne Buckingham visit his website at DrBuckingham.com. You can follow Dr. Buckingham on Twitter @DrDBuckingham.