4 DANGER signs that WILL DERAIL your RELATIONSHIP

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VIDEO: There are a lot of things that can contribute to the success and downfall of your relationship. One of the books that we’ve been re-reading lately is Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. They talk about 4 destructive patterns that can occur in relationships. Today, we will discuss those four warning signs that if go unchecked can cripple a relationships’ progress and possibly lead to it’s end. Listen closely and learn what you want to avoid so that you can live happily ever after. Remember, we have to B Intentional about creating the relationships that we want to see in our lives.

B Intentional Family, Are there any other danger signs you can think of for us all to be mindful of? Share your wisdom. We all want to know because we all want to grow….most days! Lol!

Build A Better You: Choosing To Respond Instead Of React

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Many years ago, a friend of mine walked up behind another friend who had just returned from two tours of duty in Viet Nam with the Marines. The vet didn’t hear my friend until she was right behind him. His training kicked in, and he whirled and struck out with a karate chop. Fortunately, he caught himself in time, and my friend apologized profusely for seeming to sneak up on him.

The Marine had spent months in mortal danger, using the survival skills he’d learned, and was still reacting as if he were in the jungle. We are trained much the same way when we’re children and teenagers. Over time, we learn a certain way of reacting that reflects our parents’ attitudes, our school environment, our friends’ attitudes. We may have grown up in a dangerous situation, such as with an abusive parent or being harassed in school, and discovered that being quiet and invisible kept us safer. Or we might have learned to strike out in anger to reduce our risk. When we grow older, we continue those reactions without thinking, just as my marine friend did.

However, now that we’re older, and no longer in the hostile environment, we can consciously choose a different way to respond to our current situation. This is the difference between “re-acting” and “responding.” When we “re-act,” we act in the same way, over and over, automatically. By consciously choosing what kind of result we want, and how we want to feel about ourselves afterwards, we’re “responding” to the situation.

There’s an old adage that goes something like this, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you’ve always gotten.” By continuing to react in the same way we always have, we’re never going to change and neither will our lives. It’s not easy to change old reaction patterns, but it can be done. We can begin by looking at reactions that aren’t working in our lives.

Do you avoid risk and criticism, but want to achieve more in your life? It may feel scary, but decide to accept the next opportunity that takes you out of your comfort zone. When you get into a disagreement with someone close, do you either lash out or hide? Does this give you the best resolution? If not, assess how you can respond to the situation the next time. Role-play it in your imagination. You may feel an almost irresistible urge to fall back into your old reaction, but resist it, and follow through with your chosen response.

Visualizing the new response can make the new response more automatic. The subconscious can’t tell the difference between a strong image and reality. If we rehearse the new response over and over, the subconscious will tend to act on the impressed response more easily. When you visualize, use all of your senses; such as sight, sound, feelings, even smells to make it more real. The more you practice at visualization, as with any new skill, the better at it you’ll become.

To change the old patterns permanently, we need to choose our responses, and act on them every time the triggering situation arises. Otherwise, we give the subconscious mind conflicting information. If we vacillate back and forth between the old reaction and the new response, the subconscious will tend to draw us back into the familiar mold. However, if we react, but catch ourselves doing it and immediately change to our chosen response, the subconscious will begin to catch on.

As my Marine friend became more comfortable in being back home, in safety, his hair trigger responses began to fade. The same is true of us. Now that we are in a different situation than the one in which we learned to react, we can choose more positive responses. Responses that bring us the results we want.

BLAM Fam: Be honest…are you responding or reacting in your relationships. Are you a better responder to everyone except your spouse? What can you do differently to change more of your reactions to responses?

 

 

Are You Fighting Fair In Your Marriage?

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By Barnett Brickner

The difference between a bad fight or a bad marriage and a bad fight or a good marriage is learning to fight fair. You can have an overall good marriage even you have a bad fight. Actually, couples who fight in a productive way and end the fight right, report more marital satisfaction. In two words, fight fairly is what separates the couples who fight and make up from the ones who fight and do not.

As it follows, seven tips for fighting fairly in a marriage are presented:

1. Fair fighting involves focusing on the behavior not the person.

2. Direct requests are also used in a fair fighting couple. They ask if they want their partner to behave differently. This way the whole idea would be exposed clearly. For example, instead of saying I need you to change you can say Please place your dishes in the sink from now on.

3. If you want a fair fight, limit your focus in arguments. Instead of kitchen sinking an argument (meaning when a person is complaining about everything at the same time, and throw in the kitchen sink for good measure) you can focus on one issue at a time.

4. Healthy respect and good nonverbal communication are maintained by fair fighting couples. A well known marital researcher at the University of Washington, John Gottman, has highlighted the importance of good nonverbal marital communication, and has identified four behaviors leading to relationship distress. Contempt is one of these behaviors. Non-verbal contempt (eye-rolling, avoiding eye-contact, shaking their heads) can be a cause for relationship distress if this shows up in a couple.

5. The end of a fight is allowed by fair fighting couples. Letting the fight be over when it is done with it, is one important element of fighting fairly. This way is easier to forgive if not to forget. Just to prove a point, they do not bring up old issues again and again. This way the couples take the chance to make up and reconnect at the first opportunity.

6. It is recommended that in a fair fight, couples discuss issues sooner rather than later, because it is easier to talk about a small issue, before it becomes too big and overwhelming or leads to extreme resentment.

7. The couples, in a fair fight should focus on winning in the relationship not on winning the fight for them just to prove they are right. They must remember that they are allies rather than enemies, and they must remember that they are on the same team and working on the same goals. Instead of focusing on their personal ego, they should rather focus on keeping the relationship as their main focus.

The skill of fair fighting can be learned. It is likely that fewer marriages would end in divorce if more people learned to do it. It is a true fact that all marriages will have fights, but it matters how you handle each fight, and this will determine whether your marriage is a happy or unhappy one.

Always remember this: Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.

Can Black Women Achieve Marital Satisfaction? Participate In A Research Study Aiming To Answer This Very Question.

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By Dwayne L. Buckingham

All women, including Black women, should be afforded the opportunity to achieve marital satisfaction if desired, regardless of the nature of their childhood experiences. However, decades of research have shown that childhood experiences can affect children throughout their childhoods, extending into their adulthoods. Previous research literature about the marital satisfaction for Black women tends to focus primarily on socioeconomic and social interactions, but no studies have been conducted that explore Black women’s childhood experiences and how these experiences impact perceptions of achieving marital satisfaction.

Although 69 percent of all Black children are born outside of marriage, research regarding how Black women perceive their childhood experience and impacts perceptions of marital satisfaction have been poorly researched. Engaging in such research will help Black women gain insight about their personal performance or capability. It will also offer increasing understanding of how their parents’ interactions during their childhood may have influenced their beliefs about their ability to accomplish tasks in childhood and how that self-confidence has extended into adulthood. Early works on child development posited that childhood experiences play an instrumental role in shaping and influencing the perceptions and behavior of adults.

Exploring and understanding the parent-child relationship is very important in explaining and understanding adult behavior because behaviors parents engage in serve as models for children and children’s well-being is associated with parental style.

The ability to achieve marital satisfaction is becoming more difficult for many Americans, especially Black women. If you struggle to achieve marital satisfaction and would like to gain insight into your childhood experience and how it impacts your perception of achieving marital satisfaction, we would like to speak with you.

If you are a married Black female, over the age of 18 and were raised in a two parent or guardian household, and are willing to talk about your childhood experience and perception of achieving marital satisfaction, please contact us to participate in the research study entitled, “A Phenomenological Study of the Lived Childhood Experience of Black Women and How These Experiences Impact Perceptions of Achieving Marital Satisfaction.”

See below to secure additional information and to discuss your eligibility. All participants will receive $30 for the participating in the interview.

Read more

VIDEO: “Wife Beater”….Is It REALLY That Serious?

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By Team BLAM

If you’re black, under 40, and have some awareness of urban vernacular you’ve probably heard or used the term “wife beater”.  Yup “WIFE BEATER”…terminology referring to a sleevless shirt, A-shirt, or tank top that has been seen being worn by men who are volatile, eruptive, violent, and abusive to women.  “Wife Beater”….women know them.  “Wife Beater”…men know them. “Wife Beater”…..do you wear them?

I can hear some of yall thinking, “BLAM it really ain’t that serious.”  Say it with me W I F E    B E A T E R.  One more time….W I F E   B E A T E R.  Now tell your daughter, “Daddy’s wearing a ‘wife beater”.  Tell your son to put on his “wife beater”.  Why do we enthusiastically embrace destructive terminology and completely ignore the psyco/social implications such terminology has on our community.  Our children are paying attention to us and are conciously and subconsiously receiving cues on what is socially acceptable behavior.

Today is the last day of domestic violence month.  Yall, for the sake of our community, for the sake of our children, and as a sign of support and solidarity for the countless number of women who are beaten by men on a daily basis CAN WE MAKE A COMMITMENT TO STOP CALLING A-SHIRTS, TANK TOPS, SLEEVELESS SHIRTS……WIFE BEATERS?  

Abuse ain’t no joke, domestic violence ain’t no laughing matter.  “Wife Beater”, is it really that serious?  We say YES IT IS.

Top 10 Signs Of An Abusive Man

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By Stephany Alexander

Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren’t good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won’t leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.” Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.

According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine’s Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous.

If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com – The World’s Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book Sex, Lies and the Internet.

Negative Emotions: How To Get A Grip Before They Get A Hold Of You

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By Aiyana Ma’at

Are you emotional? Are you a pessimist? Are you a downer?  Better yet do you feel negative, upset, or down more often than you’d like to admit? I’d be lying If I didn’t say that I am absolutely 100% an emotional person. It serves me well in some ways and in other ways…not so much. My problem used to be (and still is sometimes) that I would let whatever I was feeling become bigger than life and take up all the space in my head. Whatever I was feeling would be magnified so much in my heart and mind that there was not room for much else.

And when I let my thoughts run wild and get out of control my emotions would soon follow which was then followed by irritability, perpetual frustration, and plain ol’ negativity. What I’ve learned over time is that negative feelings will not just go away on their own. I won’t start to think and feel more rationally just because. No, rather If I want to feel better I have to be intentional about shifting myself into the emotional space that is best for me and my family.

Just the other day I had to do it. I’ve got a lot on my plate and sometimes it feels as If I’m about to drop (or throw) the damn plate.

Some of you may know that my son is in the hospital right now. He started out in the ICU and is now on the regular floor (thank God!) and that was hella stressful. My husband and I have been tag teaming between being at the hospital and taking care of our other children. Let’s just say having family dinners to the sound of hospital machines beeping, obsessively watching my son’s oxygen levels, and telling my 3 other children to use their inside voice 50 million times while my husband and I discuss family business matters, new projects and partnerships on the table, and who needs to follow up with who….is not exactly a recipe for calm. Meanwhile, life doesn’t slow down. Bills still need to be paid. Our clients still have to be contacted/rescheduled. Contracts still have to be signed. Homework still has to be done and my son’s birthday is on this coming Thursday! Lawd! 🙂

So, my point is that I started feeling overwhelmed and I felt those negative emotions creeping in and before I let them take hold I went and sat by the water not far from my house, wrote in my journal for a little while, and read some more of an awesome book I’m reading right now by Wayne Dyer titled Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling, and literally felt myself shifting back into the positive emotional space where purposeful possibility lives. Had I not taken the time to do that—I would be one pretty mean 5 letter word right about now. Negativity just attracts more of the same. And, 9 times out of 10 it all starts within us–in our minds and we then project our mental state out into the world and perceive/get more–you guessed it–negativity coming at us. But, it’s US!!! When we let negative emotions get the best of us it impacts more that just us. Our husbands, wives, children, friends, and co-workers wonder “What is going on??”

And, that is precisely the question. WHAT IS GOING ON? Take a minute to get some more insight around ideas that cause negative emotions and habits that make negative emotions worse excerpted from writer & editor, Ben Rubenstein’s, piece on negative emotions.

Ideas You Need To Change that Cause Negative Emotions

1. Change your perspective.

If you want to experience fewer negative emotions to begin with, change the way you see the world. If you learn how to be optimistic and laid back, you’ll find that negative emotions make fewer appearances to be reckoned with.

2 Eliminate many of the underlying core beliefs which give rise to your disturbing thoughts and negative emotions.

There are many irrational ideas that repeatedly upset us. They are all false, but many of us are inclined to at least some of them part of the time. You can get rid of these ideas by debating within yourself until you have cast them out…

3. “I must be perfect in all respects in order to be worthwhile.”

Nobody can be perfect in everything that we have to do in life. But if you believe that you’re a failure unless you are perfect in every way, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness.

4. “I must be loved and approved of by everyone who is important to me.”

Sometimes you just can’t help making enemies, and there are people in the world who bear ill will to almost everyone. But you can’t make your own life miserable by trying to please them.

5. “When people treat me unfairly, it is because they are bad people.”

Most of the people who treat you unfairly have friends and family who love them. People are mixtures of good and bad.

6. “It is terrible when I am seriously frustrated, treated badly, or rejected.”

Some people have such a short fuse, that they are constantly losing jobs or endangering friendships because they are unable to endure the slightest frustration.

7. “Misery comes from outside forces which I can’t do very much to change.”

Many prison inmates describe their life as if it were a cork, bobbing up and down on waves of circumstance. You can choose whether to see yourself as an effect of your circumstances, or a cause.

8. “If something is dangerous or scary, I have to worry about it.”

Many people believe that “the work of worrying” will help to make problems go away. “Okay, that’s over. Now, what’s the next thing on the list that I have to worry about?”

9. “It is easier to avoid life’s difficulties and responsibilities than to face them.”

Even painful experiences, once we can get through them, can serve as a basis for learning and future growth.

10. “Because things in my past controlled my life, they have to keep doing so now and in the future.”

If this were really true, it would mean that we are prisoners of our past, and change is impossible. But people change all the time — and sometimes they change dramatically!

11. “It is terrible when things do not work out exactly as I want them to.”

Could you have predicted the course of your own life? Probably not. By the same token, you can’t predict that things are going to work out exactly as you want them to, even in the short term.

12. “I can be as happy as possible by just doing nothing and enjoying myself, taking life as it comes.”

If this were true, almost every wealthy or comfortably retired person would do as little as possible. But instead, they seek new challenges as a pathway to further growth.

Ideas & Habits that Make Negative Emotions Worse

1. Learn to avoid the cognitive distortions which make things look worse than they really are. Most of us have heard the expression, “looking at the world through rose-colored glasses.” But when you use cognitive distortions, you tend to look at the world through mud-colored glasses! Here are some ideas that you should stop from rolling through your head if you catch yourself thinking them…

2. All-or-nothing thinking.

Everything is good or bad, with nothing in between. If you aren’t perfect, then you’re a failure. You procastinate doing stuff because they are not perfect until you have no other choice than doing them.

3. Overgeneralization.

A single negative event turns into a never-ending pattern of defeat. “I didn’t get a phone call. I’ll never hear from anybody again.”

4. Mental filter.

One single negative thing colors everything else. When you’re depressed, it sometimes feels like you’re “looking at the world through mud-colored glasses.”

5. Disqualifying the positive.

If somebody says something good about you, it doesn’t count. But if somebody says something bad about you, you “knew it all along.”

6. Jumping to conclusions.

You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

7. Mind reading.

You think somebody is disrespecting you and don’t bother to check it out. You just assume that he is.

8. The Fortune Teller Error.

You think that things are going to turn out badly, and convince yourself that this is already a fact.

9. Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization.

Imagine that you’re looking at yourself or somebody else through a pair of binoculars. You might think that a mistake you made or somebody else’s achievement are more important than they really are. Now imagine that you’ve turned the binoculars around and you’re looking through them backwards. Something you’ve done might look less important than it really is, and somebody else’s faults might look less important than they really are.

10. Emotional reasoning.

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

11. Should statements.

You beat up on yourself as a way of getting motivated to do something. You “should” do this, you “must” do this, you “ought” to do this, and so on. This doesn’t make you want to do it, it only makes you feel guilty. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

12. Labeling and mislabeling.

This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. When you make a mistake, you give yourself a label, such as, “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, “He’s a louse.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

13. Personalization.

You believe that you were the cause of something bad that happened, when you really didn’t have very much to do with it. And ask a friend to help you realize your emotions or worries so that you can have someone to rely on.

No matter what you choose to do, it’s important to continue acknowledging the emotion. Just because you’re not reacting to an emotion doesn’t mean that emotion doesn’t exist.

Learn to recognize and anticipate “triggers” that set you off.

Some experiences like watching a film, hearing a sound or tasting a food (sensory input) can trigger or bring about good emotions. The more good ones you can recognize, pay attention to and be aware of, the easier it is to put your self in that kind of a recognizable mood. It’s far easier to get out of an angry or sad state of mind when you can know what happy or joyful state of mind is like.

Warning:

It is important to be aware of & manage your emotions, but suppressing them or denying that they exist is entirely different. Suppressing your emotions can cause physical disorders and more emotional symptoms.

Many emotional problems are so complex that they require the additional professional assistance of a licensed psychologist, counselor, or social worker.

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.

I Need To Stop Focussing On My Wife’s Faults And Instead Focus On Overcoming Mine

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

I always strive to be transparent with my wife but I realized that maybe I am not being transparent with myself. Maybe it’s easier for me to point out all of the negative traits that she brings to the table and inadvertently gloss over my own. Could I be the one who has not  looked deeply enough into my own destructive patterns? Hopefully in stating my negative attributes, I will understand more how I sometimes cause and escalate some of the tense moments within my household.

I hate being wrong! This, I am sure, is no big surprise to people who know me. I always said that no one likes to be wrong, but I take it to the next level and it pains me to not be right. I will argue something to the death of it just to prove that I am right, even when I really don’t know that I am. I could try to make excuses for my way of thinking on this subject, but it does not matter. No one likes a supposed know-it-all.

I am moody! Sometimes I wake up on the “wrong side” of the bed. There are times when I just want to sit at home and do absolutely nothing and be by myself. You never really pay attention to these things before marriage because dating is different. When dating you call each other when you want to talk and you see each other when you want to see each other. Marriage is every day which leaves no way of hiding your mood swings. The funny thing about this is that I can’t stand moody people!

I am volatile! I do have a very short fuse or what I like to call a “short tolerance for bull crap”. I must admit that I can be quick to become angry and defensive about things. When I feel that someone is trying to attack me or take advantage of me, I attack back. I know that my wife loves me and does not want to cause me pain but I have not fully learned to shut this defense mechanism down. If I feel that she is coming at me wrong, I come back at her and at times the real issue has not been addressed. Being volatile is the way of a foolish man and I know it.

I have too much pride! We have already established that I hate being wrong. Sometimes my pride keeps me from shutting up and conceding. Even when I know myself to be right, my pride keeps me from leaving the matter alone because I am so busy trying to hammer the point home. I can’t lie, it pains me to have to say that I am sorry because that would mean that I did something wrong. The Bible speaks about the foolish pride of man and trust me, it is talking about ME. I don’t brag about this though, because it was pride that got Lucifer kicked out of heaven. Clearly, I need to do better.

I lack tolerance for others opinions! When my wife does not see things as I do, I tend to take it personally. In my mind I guess I feel that she should think exactly like me on everything even though reality lets me know otherwise. I have a certain code that I govern myself by and I guess in my narcissism I feel that she should know and live by that code also. Don’t get me wrong, more times than not my wife will find a compromise and/or understand my point as we talk but that still is not enough for me at times. I guess to me it’s like, “well I can’t believe that you felt that way from the beginning”.

I can’t let things go! People always say that in a marriage, you have to have a short memory. I can’t lie to you, my memory is like and Elephant’s memory……. on steroids! Sometimes I have the tendency to hold onto things that should have been resolved a while back. Even when I try to let these things go, my actions will show that I still have some type of negative feeling towards the situation. I guess I never realized how much I am like my grandmother. She was a very sensitive woman and sometimes she was overly sensitive.

I am sure that there are other things that can be said about my negative characteristics but these are the main focal points. I realize that I need to stop ignoring them and start working on them. I can’t harp on my wife’s faults –  I only have control over MY OWN actions. I have to recognize the wrong that I bring to the table and correct those wrongs. It’s not just about my relationship with my wife but also about my relationship with God. Some will judge what I have written and shake their heads in disapproval and in some ways will be justified. I write this so that other people will start evaluating themselves and maybe begin realizing what they are doing wrong on a personal level. An alcoholic will never stop drinking if he does not first realize that he is an alcoholic just as a couple will never understand each other if they first do not understand themselves.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

Get Your Head Out The Game: Football & Domestic Violence

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By Lisa

Are you ready for some F O O T B A L L ! Dat, Dat, Daa Dat Dat, Daa… (ESPN Theme Song)

So, the football season officially began Thursday, September 8th, and for all you football fans out there, many of your days and nights will be dominated by the NFL and NCAA football over the next 5 months.

Unfortunately, game time may not be all fun and games to the overzealous die-hard fan who can sometimes blur the lines of fantasy and reality with professional sports. A recent study conducted by the National Bureau of Economic Research  has been published in the Quarterly Journal of Economics that shows an uncanny correlation between emotional rage felt from the loss of a football game with an increase in certain negative behaviors, namely domestic violence.

Here’s a look at some of the football related triggers thought to exacerbate the incident of intimate partner violence:

* The hour or so after a local team favored to win, ultimately lost

* Home Team loses to a traditional rival

* Losses during the playoffs

* Unexpected losses involving an unusual number of sacks, turnovers or penalties

Although this study was based on findings over a period of months covering the span of a football season, this dilemma is clearly not limited to football. Nevertheless, domestic violence is a serious epidemic that knows no color barrier or socioeconomic class. Don’t find yourself offsides. Snap out of it and put the game into perspective.

BLAM Fam: Share your own opinions on whether you think sports can have an influence on behavior.

Lisa is the founder of Sistaspace, a blog site all about the little things in life that make you go hmmm and are usually left unspoken. Looking for some end of the week commentary that is sure to spark up a conversation? Check out her Top Five Friday posts at sistaspace.wordpress.com.

I Am Being Abused!!! I’m In Desperate Need Of Your Help!

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Video: I am in desperate need of your help.  I’m sure everyone says this for the most part but I really trust the both of you with advice more than I trust some of the closest people in my life.

Please Help Me!!!

Relevant info and brief history:

I am 28 years old and live with my two children, age 10 and 1, and my ex-fiancé.  He is the father of both of my children.  I have been with this man since I was 15 years old, delivered my first baby when I was 17.  Two weeks after I’d given birth he was sentenced to 9 years in prison and served most of that term.  During that time I struggled, as most single mothers, to keep food on the table and the lights on for my child.  However his mother and I had developed a really close relationship where anything I needed, she made sure I’d have in the absence of her son.  There had been incidents prior to him going to prison that he had abusive/controlling tendencies.  He’d given women black eyes before, pushed them down stairs, etc.  He said he’d never do that to me and prior to him going to jail he never did.  His mother has also made jokes about how her son has an issue with putting his hands on women.  His excuse for abusing those women was that they were “ghetto” or didn’t act lady-like so he made it his business to treat them like men.

He was released 2 1/2 years ago and we were inseparable, moved in with each other and delivered our second baby girl.  His mother had gotten me a job as I’d been laid off for a while and she is currently my boss.  We live in one of her properties right now.  The daycare that my baby goes to was due to her connections.  The car that I own occurred as a result of connections where she’d been able to give me a substantial down payment.  I hold this woman in the highest regard for the way she’s looked after me when she really didn’t have to.  In the same breath I will say this scares me.  I feel like in some way I’ve been given things with good intentions but also as a means to control me.  When I asked her advice on moving out of the state to be closer to my mother she flipped on me.  When I disagree with her son for anything I get talked to in a very condescending manner by both her and her son.

The Problem:

Recently I found out about an affair that my ex was having.  I cried, I was hurt, I got over it and emotionally released myself from it sooner than I thought.  However, during my moments of being hurt my ex and I tried to work things out.  We went for a ride, where I’d been drinking quite a bit to try and relax.  We’d gotten into an altercation because I said something he didn’t like about the other woman.  I was totally inebriated at this point and can hardly remember what happened next.  I do know that I was terrified and that we arrived back home to our children, watched by a neighbor when we were out.  Our neighbor left and it took a turn for the worst.  I was upset, I’d lost complete control and started throwing things at him, crying and screaming.  The next thing you know I’m being pushed to the floor, thrown and choked, my hair was pulled so hard that somehow my shoulder was slightly dislocated.  I felt in fear of my life and grabbed scissors because he would not let go of me, I cut his leg.

I woke up the next morning to about 10+ bruises all over my body and 2 large balls  of my hair pulled out. I cried so hard as I remembered my oldest daughter crying and screaming for me during the fight.  He heard me crying and came to show me what I’d done to him, scratch on his face, wound on his leg as reasoning for hurting me.  This whole ordeal brought flashbacks back to me about my serious case of denial.  There were multiple occasions when I was thrown to the ground by him, yelled at directly in my ear, mushed upside the head, called stupid, dumb, a coward… all because I wouldn’t fight back when he was angry about something.  He’s always looking for a reason to put his hands on me and the more I try to avoid this, the more controlling and scary it gets.  The neighbors have gone so far as to call the police to the house, and when I bump into them they always have the same look of concern and ask if me and the children are okay.  This particular incident left me unwilling to back down from him, I’d had enough and grabbed a weapon when I didn’t want to, but I’m hurting for my kids, they shouldn’t have been in earshot of that.  My parents never put me in that position and I feel like I’m failing them.

Recently we tried AGAIN to work our relationship back out, it wasn’t working and I ended it.  I did however ask him if I can stay in the condo for stability’s sake and also because I need to save up money to move.  He agreed.  Last night I saw that his behavior right now is a little erratic.  He threatened me last night and there was nothing I could say to make him think rationally.  He said if I think pulling my hair and giving me bruises is disrespectful, then I haven’t seen anything yet.  I’m scared of what he might do, he’s really going out of his way to show me that he hates me.  I can see what he’s doing, he’s trying hard to make me upset so he can have a reason to get physically violent with me.  I feel every move I make and every word I say needs to be edited before acting on them because anything will make him flip.  His excuse for leaving bruises on me before was because he said I swung at him, I have never swung at this man, he always grabs me and when I try to pull away he sees it as me getting defensive and then I’m being pulled and dragged around like a ragdoll.

I’m scared and I don’t want to get hurt or have my children hurt.  I know he won’t let me take my children to my mom’s house so I can save the money for another place without him reacting abusively and I cannot live with the thought of leaving them with him 24/7 by removing just myself from the situation.  I have NO CLUE what to do, I’m living with a ticking time bomb as I take his threat very, very seriously.  I know it will be worse for me trying to get my children and me to another location.  I was advised to tell his mother, who is like a mother to me but she may turn on me.  And again she is my boss.  I don’t want to go there with her.

If I didn’t have those girls I would be able to figure this out with no problem.  This issue has literally made me physically ill.  I never wanted them to be in the middle of two reckless parents.  I’m trying to leave in peace.  I was thinking of just sleeping in my car on the street where they’re at just so I can be near them, I can’t be without them or away from them.  My kids don’t care whether he comes or goes and it makes me sick because I wanted them to have the same relationship I had with my dad, they’re either in fear or totally unaffected by his presence.

I know you traditionally deal with relationships that are worth fixing.  This one clearly isn’t worth it.  But you wouldn’t even understand the degree of gratitude I’d have if you’d give me your gift of guidance.  You two truly have a gift that touches the soul more than you’ll ever know and for that Mr. and Mrs. Ma’at I thank you, even if this never reaches your hands.