VIDEO: Is tension in the air so thick that you can just about touch it? Are you experiencing a raised voice, a whole lot of attitude, and you can’t get a word in no matter how hard you try? How do you handle a partner who only seems to like the sound of their own voice? Listen in as the Ma’at’s weigh in on this issue and leave a comment with your thoughts.
By Dr. Lisa Love
As a counselor I have often told people that they need to learn to love themselves. Yet, while saying this to others, I have at times taken pause to reflect and ask myself, “What does that really mean? How do we know the difference between a self-love and a selfish love? And, what can we do practically to love ourselves in the right way?”
I believe true self love fills us with enough joy, peace, and love that our desire to be loving human beings grows. Because of this we want to express more empathy, compassion, and understanding towards others. Selfish love does the contrary. It increases our sense of self-loathing or our disdain and anger towards others. It causes us to act increasingly in our own best interests without considering the interests of others. It causes us to want to sacrifice others needs and desires in service to our own, instead of the other way around. Or, it causes us to self-destruct through a number of behaviors that may feel good temporarily, but ultimately they lead to the shutting down of our hearts and spiral us downward into increased self-loathing and self-reproach.
How then do we love ourselves in the right way?
By first and foremost learning what love is. Then, by insisting that we feed ourselves with that love. This is best done by finding people who know how to love. From them we learn how to adopt loving mindsets, feelings, and behaviors. And, it is done by setting boundaries on people who don’t know how to encourage the greatest level of love in us. Because when we truly have that kind of love in our lives we are increasingly a blessing to others. Which is why real love requires that we love ourselves in the right way, so we can have the strength to love, the wisdom to love, and the energy to love those who need our love the most.
Dr. Lisa Love is the founder of LoveMovies! and also the best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction; ATTRACTING REAL LOVE: 4 Steps for Finding the Love You Want; and SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad; MEDITATION: The Path to Peace. Contact her at www.drlisalove.com or lisa@doctorlisalove.com.
Courtesy of Goal Setting Strategies
Setting goals in a marriage is as important as setting personal and professional goals. However, it is ironic that most people fail to set goals for their marriage. They set goals for their career, finance, health and they set goals to find their soul mate and get married.
Most people have the preconceived idea that once they are married everything would be fine. All their problems would be solved and they expect to live happily ever after on autopilot. This misleading notion may have stemmed from fairy tales that indoctrinated us when we were young. We are all familiar with the story of how the prince meets a beautiful girl, falls in love, gets married and they live happily ever after. Unfortunately, it is not as easy and smooth in the real world that we live in. Marriage requires work and effort from both spouses. Although love plays a major role in the marriage, that is only the beginning. It is crucial that you make a conscious and continuous effort to make your marriage a success.
Statistics show that almost half of marriages in the United States and other western countries end up in divorce. It is unfortunate that most couples do not give their marriage the proper attention and nourishment it needs to thrive. With the high rate of divorce it is obvious that you should spend time and effort to make sure that your marriage is a success. Your marriage should be your top priority. Do not just concentrate on your children, career and finance and neglect your relationship with your spouse. Ultimately your relationship at home with your spouse will determine how happy and successful you are. If you are unhappy in your marriage it will affect everything else in your life including your happiness, health, career and business. On the other hand, if you are happy at home you are more likely to succeed in everything else in life.
Of course when you are busy with your daily routine, it is easy to forget to nurture your relationship. It is easy to forget to be grateful for what you have. It is also easy to start criticizing your partner when things to go wrong. If you are not careful this will eventually lead to hostility and contempt and the end of your marriage.
Marriage does not have to be mundane and a struggle. So what is the recipe for a happy marriage? To make sure your marriage thrives, you should spend time planning your life together. Set goals for your marriage, short-term as well as long-term. Reflect on what both of you hope to achieve this year. Ask yourselves what you want to achieve in 5 years, in 10 years and 20 years down-the-line. If you set goals for your marriage you have a better chance of making your marriage a happy and fulfilling one.
So what is your recipe for a happy marriage? So what are your goals as a couple? How similar are your and your spouse’s goals for the marriage? Start by asking yourself “What do I want out of my marriage?” and “What do I want my marriage to look like in the future?” Spend an afternoon together with your spouse putting your goals down in writing. Schedule time with your partner to accomplish your goals together. Re-evaluate your goals on a regular basis. Be open in changing your goals.
So what should goals for marriages be? Goals for marriages should include all aspect of your marriage – physical, emotional, intellectual, finance, health, recreation, social, spiritual and everything else that could affect your marriage.
Like any other goal, goals for marriages need to be written down. The difference between a wish or a dream and a goal is that a goal is a wish or a dream that you have written down and take continuous action towards realizing it. For example, let’s say that both of you want more romance in your marriage. First you have to write it down. After that you have to ask yourselves why it is important for both you to achieve this goal. Ultimately you are more likely to achieve your goal if you have a compelling reason to do so. Then you have to be specific and ask yourself how you are going to achieve this. What do you have to do specifically? What is required to achieve this goal? Come up with your action plan. Next set a deadline when you want the goal to be accomplished. Brainstorm any obstacles that you would encounter en route to your goal. What obstacles can you expect? Last but not least come up with ideas how both you are going to overcome those obstacles. By setting your goals the smart way you are more likely to achieve your goals.
Below is a guideline that can be used for any goals for marriages. I have listed down a few examples of some worthy goals below that would help spur your thinking process:
Have a loving relationship with partner
Have more romance in marriage
Improve communication with partner
Start a family (Make sure this is a goal that you both want. Ideally this should have been decided before you get married)
Finance – plan for long time saving for a house, a car, retirement etc
Start own business together
Plan a family vacation
Health and fitness plan – keep fit together to gym together, morning walk/run, play tennis/squash etc.
Continuous education – whether it is to go back to school to get an additional degree or to attend seminars/workshops for personal growth
Contribution – If you are interested in volunteering your time for a cause that you believe in or to donate money, plan how you can do this together
Religion/Spiritual – mutual beliefs and practice that you want to observe together or separately
Recognize that both partners in the relationship have hope and aspirations for themselves and the marriage. Often partners are not conscious of each others’ goals and this can be misconstrued as a lack of support. This misinterpretation can in due course result in bitterness and frustration over time. Sitting down together with your partner to talk about your individual goals brings your partner’s desires to light.
You also need to evaluate your personal goals to see if they are essentially in the marriage’s best interest. Go through your personal goals and ask, “Why do I want to achieve this goal?”, “Why is it important?” “If I achieve this goal how will it affect my marriage?” “Is this goal going to improve my marriage?” After answering these questions you might find that you need to revise your goals or create new ones. It is crucial that both of you are able to support each other in the achievement of individual and marital goals.
As you can see prioritizing and goal setting in marriage is essential. Remember, setting goals in a marriage allows both parties to work together for the enhancement of their marriage. Each partner gets to know what the other wants so the couple knows the path that their marriage is heading towards. Marriage does take work but by setting goals for your marriage you are on your way to a happier, healthier relationship. If your marriage is in trouble or stagnant, it is never too late to put your marriage back on track.
Goal Setting Strategies was founded by Zainah Zainalabidin, a global citizen, avid traveler, voracious reader and absolutely passionate about personal development. Zainah was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a few years ago and healed herself through holistic living and application of the law of attraction. Back home, she counsels and coach cancer patients in mastering their emotions and belief systems for effective healing. She is very passionate about helping and inspiring people to be the change that they want to see in the world and live the lives of their dreams. Visit her at Goalsettingstrategies.com
VIDEO: In life and in relationships there are moments when you find yourself at a crossroad… tired of living like you’ve been living, scared as hell and unsure of what your next move should be. This young lady shares the turmoil she’s been experiencing in her marriage and asks what she should do. Confusion is all around it seems…but I once read somewhere that Confusion is the mental and emotional outgrowth of knowing exactly what needs to be done, and having that knowledge clouded by the belief that you are not good enough, smart enough, or strong enough to do it. There is a fear that if you do what needs to be done, you might not get it right or that somebody will get mad at you, etc. The natural response to this self-defeating mental chatter is for the intellectual mind to shut down resulting in what we call confusion. The truth is that when we find ourselves at these crossroads in our lives we need to trust the small still voice within, do what is necessary, and trust and know that you will make it through.
By Team BLAM
There are certain primary love needs that men and women have. It would serve us all well to truly explore, internalize, and gain a deep understanding of what these primary needs are; because if we know what our partner needs then we can better give it. Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all kinds of love. To acknowledge the primary love needs of women does not imply that men do not need to experience love in those ways as well. As world renowned relationship expert, John Gray, says “What is meant by “primary need” is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able to fully receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.
It’s all to easy for us to give what we need and forget that our spouse may need something else. So, today we will touch on two love needs–one for men and one for women.
Let’s talk about VALIDATION & APPROVAL.
VALIDATION is essential for a woman to feel loved. When a man does not object to or argue with a woman’s feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved. A man’s validating attitude confirms a woman’s right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he will absolutely get the approval that he primarily needs.
APPROVAL is critical for a man to feel loved. Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman’s hero or knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval. A woman’s approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesn’t always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.
Understanding the primary love needs of your partner is a powerful secret for improving your relationship. Use what you’ve learned. Seriously, try it and don’t keep it a secret. Send this article to your boo (or someone who would truly appreciate it) right now! Stop Playing. Start Pushing.
By Aiyana Ma’at
How many times in your life have you paused to take a look at yourself and how you tend to think and act in your relationships? Have you ever considered that the ways you tend to feel, think, and act in any given relationship situation can be pretty predictable and easy to call? Why? As children we learned to take on “roles” and act out certain behaviors that helped us in some ways and hurt us in other ways.
So, it should make sense that as adults we actually take on a role in our relationship that is either the “parent”, “child”, or “adult”. The “parent role” tends to dictate or take control of a relationship; the “child role” often is looking to be taken care of or can act somewhat irresponsible. When a partner takes on either of these roles, often the partner steps into the opposite role and this dynamic can cause a dysfunctional relationship.
When both folks challenge themselves to both stay in the ADULT role it gives both the opportunity to step their game up and go to the next level in their relationship.
Here are some examples of behavior patterns that you may have learned from your parents or used as a child that just don’t work well in adult relationships (….but you’re still acting out these patterns!)
1. If something uncomfortable happens you tend to go off on your own and not want to speak with your partner.
2. You take life too seriously when some playfulness would really help the situation.
3. You make light of serious issues in your relationship that deserve thoughtful and deliberate consideration.
4. You pretend you’re fine when asking for what you need would be much more appropriate.
5. You keep “trying harder” to make the relationship work, even though everything is telling you that your “trying” is not very productive and you should be open to a new way.
6. You sometimes lose your temper and regret it later.
6. You tend to withdraw, shut down, and not share your feelings.
7. You pout and wait for your partner to come rescue you from being upset instead of taking responsibility for your own happiness.
8. You act as if your opinion is the truth and the light and anything outside of that is just, well, retarded. (Anyone know of any little ones who think the world revolves around them???)
These are just a few. Until we start owning our part in the breakdown of relationships we can’t begin to change to make things better. Instead, we put the problem onto the other person and blame them for the relationship not succeeding. When we blame the other person we never have the opportunity to learn the lessons that the relationship offered and we then don’t know what we need to change to make our future interactions and relationships better.
At some point, we all have to take a good honest look at ourselves and stop playing and start pushing.
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By Mark Banschick, M.D.
It’s one thing to be close to your boyfriend; it’s something else altogether to be clingy.
You hate it. He hates it. And it feels like you’re both trapped.
Clinginess is a form of dependency, which is not, in itself, a bad thing. But when it deepens into desperation, watch out! Let’s look at how some people get clingy and what can be done about it:
Normal Dependence: Yes, a good relationship involves a certain sense of dependence or, as Stephen Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) calls it, interdependence. We are not built to be alone. When you’ve had a bad day, you would expect your partner to comfort you, just as you should be there for him, if he comes down with the flu. Mutual dependency is one of the hallmarks of health in a relationship.
Good relationships are flexible. Sometimes you need him. Sometimes he needs you. And often you just enjoy being with each other, in a sense of mutual comfort. If he is out late, you may be jealous or upset, but it passes quickly because you know that you are safe.
Clinginess is Dependency Gone Wild: Clinginess stems from a void in the person, and it’s rooted in damaged self-esteem. You just feel incomplete unless you are certain you “have” your partner.
To put it simply, the formula of the ideal relationship is: 1+1 = 1. Meaning, for a healthy relationship, you need two complete people – two whole, well-functioning individuals who come together and form a new whole.
The romantic fantasy, however, is that ½ + ½ gives us the “1” we want. We feel that we are desperately incomplete and only a relationship can make it right.
Desperation in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
Look, no one is one hundred percent complete. We all lack something and look to others to help make things right. The ancient philosopher, Plato (The Symposium), described a graphic image of this kind of love: imagine two people who had been attached somehow before they came into being. According to this image, when you fall in love, you’re actually joining back up with your other half. Nice fantasy, but is that what you really want?
Love is like an Energy Field: It’s a Field of Intimacy. Once you feel those special vibes with someone, you feel good. A loving relationship gives a confidence boost. The problem arises when you begin to NEED your partner to lift you up. Once you are captured by the Field of Intimacy, you’re vulnerable like you’ve never been before. When it works, you feel loved and strengthened. When it doesn’t then healthy dependence can become desperate clinginess; and we all know how that goes.
Clinginess & Power: We all have needs. Abraham Maslow made this famous to generations of psychology students by categorizing our needs, like the need for food and sleep, the need to feel secure, the need for belonging and love, the need for aesthetics, and the like. It’s important to know your needs; but to be overly needy is bad for you as well as for your partner. You try to control him or her because you are desperately afraid that you are losing control. And if your partner is clingy with you, it goes without saying that you’d rather be chewing chalk than being harassed all the time.
Example: Joe has been dating randomly since high school but never felt really close to anyone. Sex was at times great and sometimes just stupid. Now, in his mid twenties, Joe finds himself preoccupied with Alexis. She is cute, sexy, and not super available. Joe finds himself thinking about Alexis all the time; he calls, texts and visits. It’s like Alexis makes his world go round.It all works great because they get along so well. Joe looks forward to hearing from Alexis, and when he doesn’t, he texts her…and texts again. Soon, he finds himself worried that Alexis doesn’t like him all that much. He needs to hear that she cares, that she’s thinking about him, that there is no one else.
Alexis begins to resent it; too much texting and too many demands.
This simply makes Joe more demanding. As he tries to contain himself, Joe begins to imagine Alexis with another man – or woman. He can’t stop it. Joe repeatedly texts and calls Alexis and eventually, he yells at her. Joe wants to know what Alexis is up to and why she’s “avoiding” him. This makes Alexis distance herself even more. Joe has become so needy that any little deprivation leads to anxiety – and he can’t tolerate it. Soon, Joe finds himself stopping by the place where Alexis works, just to see what’s going on.“I am stalking her” he tells himself. Joe stops, breaks up with Alexis and gets into therapy. He decides that for his own good health, this craziness has got to end.
CLICK HERE to read more.
Have you ever wondered if the man or woman you married will ever change? We usually ask these questions when we’re frustrated or fed up with the current state of things in our relationship. It’s during these times that we’ve identified our “significant other” as the source of our daily stress. But guess what, they’re not the only source of stress…you bring stress to your relationship too. While you’re frustrated and fed up, your spouse is probably frustrated and fed up too. We don’t believe it has to stay that way because ALL PEOPLE HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CHANGE.
One of the key ingredients to having a successful relationship is F U N. To often we get sooo preoccupied with the business of life, family, and marriage that we forget how to be “in relationship” with each other. A part of being “in relationship” is about working on it. The other part of being “in relationship” is having fun while you’re in it. We know how to have fun yall…and we hope you do too.
Recently, while attempting to record a video, Aiyana decides to get goofy and serenade Ayize. The energy is real….and the love is definitely real. : ) Check it out and let us know what you think. lol
By Margarita,
Such a broad and abstract topic as love, not surprisingly, is hard to define. And, of course, many writers, artists, musicians and psychologists have tried. Tons of theories exist and persist. (Here are four theories of love.) We spoke with two couples therapists to get their thoughts on this elusive subject.
“Being in love is an agreement — made consciously or unconsciously — to participate in the experience of personal growth and transformation,” according to Judy Ford, licensed clinical social worker and author of Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other. “When we are in love we are saying ‘yes’ to the process of becoming our best selves.”
Terri Orbuch, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, believes that true love includes both the arousal-producing, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you passionate love and the supportive and emotionally intimate companionate love. She underscored that both do “wax and wane,” and may need work. In fact, a decline in excitement is “a typical progression or development of a long-term relationship,” she said. (Here’s Orbuch’s advice onreigniting the passion in a relationship.)
Orbuch shared six signs that indicate a couple is in love. She said that a couple might have some or all of these signs. (In other words, if your partner isn’t much of a sharer, it doesn’t mean he’s not in love with you.)
1. Personal information.
2. Mutuality. “You think of yourself as a couple rather than two separate entities or people,” Orbuch said. In other words, you think in “we” terms, not “I.” If someone asks what you’re doing this weekend, you consider your partner in your plans, and respond with something like “We’re not sure yet.”
3. Affection, caring and support. Do you both care if the other has a bad day? Do you automatically turn to your partner for support?
4. Interdependence. “You’re interdependent with each other socially, emotionally and financially,” Orbuch said. So whatever you do will affect your partner, and vice versa. If you’re offered a new job in a different city, the decision you make affects your partner.
5. Commitment. “You have a desire to have the relationship stay, endure and last,” Orbuch said.
6. Trust. Both partners are honest and have each other’s best interests at heart, she said.
People have different ways they express their love. One of the ways you can develop or cultivate love, Orbuch said, is by talking with your partner about it. For instance, an important talk may be your views on commitment. Do you see monogamy as part of commitment? Do they?
Also, do you think of other love signs similarly? For instance, your partner might solely share his private information with you, whereas you tell your close friends everything. This may be upsetting to him, but it doesn’t mean you love him any less. Or your partner has a medical scare but never comes to you. You think this means he doesn’t truly trust or love you. However, his notion of love might mean working this out on his own and then coming to you.
Cultivating love is a lot easier when things are going your way. As Ford said, “It is easy to be loving when the setting is romantic, when you’ve got extra jingle in your pocket, when you’re looking good and feeling fine, but when one of you is out of sorts, exhausted, overwhelmed, and distracted, behaving lovingly requires conscious effort.”
True love shows up in the tougher moments. “It’s in those moments of restlessness and upheaval that you find out who you are and what it truly means to love each and every day,” Ford said.
Below, Ford offers several techniques for cultivating love daily.
CLICK HERE to read more.
