Marriage 101: Small Things Truly Count. How Are Your Hello & Good-Bye Rituals?

/in , /by

By Aiyana Ma’at

“Hi Honey , I’m, Home!”, “Hi Baby, How was your day?” “Hey Sweetie, Where’s my kiss?” These are all examples of what I like to call “Greeting Rituals”. Rituals are habits that build and strengthen a relationship. They are so important. We all have rituals in our marriages. They can be wonderful or not so great. Greeting Rituals are a part of the “small things” that we tend to over look sometimes. But, hear me when I sat that it is truly the small things that count. It makes a world of difference in how I feel when my husband comes home, walks straight over to me, puts his arms around my waist, kisses me on the neck and says “Hey Baby, I missed you today. How was your day?” And, I must say my sweetie does a pretty good job of it. 🙂

I read this scenario the other day:

One couple had the following “greeting ritual” at night when the husband came home:

He would first greet the dog and hug the kids. Then he would go into his bedroom, change his clothes, and watch the news, followed by a visit to the bathroom. Finally he would wander into the kitchen and mutter something to his wife, for example, “Let’s eat fast so we can get to the PTA meeting!”

One might say that such a ritual was not exactly increasing their love for each other.

So after watching how their dog greeted them every time they came home, this couple decided to come up with a new ritual. Elated dogs jump all over their masters and lick them. So they decided to greet each other like dogs. They started jumping up and down and hugging each other. They really got into it. They had fun and the kids got a kick out it, too.

As silly as it may sound our actions affect the way we feel. Take a minute to think about your  Hello and good-bye rituals. What could you do differently that will change the energy between you and your spouse dramatically?

And, while we’re talking about rituals….here are some other important rituals you and your spouse should try working on:

* Daily e-mailing each other with a compliment.

* Daily phone call. (especially important for husbands to do)

* Anniversaries deserve special attention. Plan to do something both of you really enjoy, rather than feeling stuck two days before your anniversary arrives and then running out to get some flowers.

* Before you turn in for the night, try saying two compliments to each other. This means coming up with something new each night!

* And, this should go without saying but I’ll say it anyway—It is essential to have a “date night” at least every other week.

Remember, BLAM Fam: It’s the small things that count. How is your Hello & Good-Bye Ritual with your spouse?

VIDEO: Newlywed Couple Sings At Their Wedding Reception…WOW!

/in , , /by

This newlywed couple can saaaang! Talk about creativity. It’s amazing what we can do when we are inspired and…in love!  I’ve always liked this song and now it stands out a little more in my mind because of the way this couple is handling it. They  are doing their thang! There’s not really much we can say other than to just click play and listen for yourself as this couple sings “Spend My Life,” by Eric Benet and Tamia. Wow.

What Happily Ever After Really Looks Like

/in , /by

By Ilex Bien-Aime

What does Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Prince Charming, and the beautiful Princess all have in common? They represent fantasy about love and marriage. From early childhood we are groomed to believe that one day we will find our damsel in distress or our prince charming who will come into our lives so that we can live happily ever after but that is just not reality. When we become adults we put away the story book characters only to embrace the romantic comedy that gives an adult form of happily ever after.

 

This way of thinking is one of the top causes for divorce and unhappiness in marriages. We truly have a skewed view of what marriage entails and what it takes to be happy. I have heard people say that when you truly love someone, things shouldn’t be so hard but that is a lie if I ever heard one. Marriages are not easy and no reputable source will ever tell you that it is. Not even the Bible says that marriage is going to be happy go lucky, it’s a challenge.

 

Because we have this false view of marriage, when things go wrong, many of us decide to bail. We believe that somehow we got it wrong and that we married the wrong person. While in some cases that may be true, it is not in most cases. Many of us are looking for the perfect spouse and the perfect marriage but that is like trying to find a Unicorn, you hear about it but it really does not exist. No one is perfect and therefore no relationship will be perfect. We all come into marriages with our own personal baggage and when we put them side by side, we realize that it is not always a pretty sight.

 

Married people seem to look at their spouse’s bags of mess as if they have no bags themselves. Have you ever seen two married people talk to friends or a counselor about their marriage? Man it is a bunch of you you you statements but very rarely do you hear, I did this and I did that. As Jesus would put it, we are trying to take the mote out of the other person’s eye while not paying attention to the beam within our own eye. That is why happily ever after does not exist because we have beams in our own eyes and instead of dealing with these beams, we are try to perform surgery on our spouses.

 

The reality of happily ever after can be obtained, just not in the package that you have been trained to think that it would come in. Every dude that you start to date seems like prince charming at first until you see that he was a frog. Your husband seemed like prince charming at first as well, you wouldn’t have married him if you didn’t. The same can be said about the princess/damsel in distress. The trials of marriage will sober you up quickly but instead of running to the next supposed prince or princess, work with the one you have.

 

Sometimes the key to happily ever after is already in your hand, you just have to find the way to open it. We are always so busy trying to make our spouse be who we want them to be that we neglect to be who we are supposed to be. We can continue to act like children and fantasize about what happily ever after should look like or we could actually put in the work to make happily ever after a reality. As all counselors say, it starts with you. Start treating your spouse like a prince/princess and see if you get closer to happily ever after, something tells me that in most cases, you will.

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the BlackLoveAndMarriage.com team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com.

Are You In Love With A Narcissist?

/in /by

By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with scintillating conversation, compliments toward and maybe even apparent interest in you.

Once hooked, however, you have to contend with narcissists’ demands, criticisms and self-centeredness. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Interpersonal relationships revolve around them. You’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.

What it’s Like to Love a Narcissist

In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as preoccupied with the narcissist as he or she is with him or herself.

After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.

Narcissists have no boundaries. They see you as an extension of themselves, requiring you to be on call to meet their needs regardless of your own. You might get caught up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-bind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do.

Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Boundary-setting threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way and make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, withheld love, and a ruptured relationship. This is all too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him- or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.

Do Narcissists Love?

In public, narcissists switch on the charm that first drew you in. People gravitate toward them and are enlivened by their energy. You’re proud to bask in their glow.

But at home, they’re totally different. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. You begin to wonder if they have an outward “as if” personality. Maybe you’re reassured of their love when they bestow complimentary and caring words and gestures, are madly possessive, or buy you expensive gifts, then doubt their sincerity and question whether they’re being manipulative or saying what’s appropriate.

Sometimes, you might think they love only themselves. That’s a common misconception. Actually, narcissists dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit – usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. This is why they don’t want to look at themselves. They’re too afraid, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Narcissists don’t have much of a Self at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside. (See Self-Love.)

Early Beginnings

It’s hard to be empathic with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested as a toddler due to faulty early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. They’re left with an unrealistic view of themselves, and at times make you experience what it was like having had to feed the needs of a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive.

The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation. Like the mythological Narcissus, they don’t know themselves, but only can love themselves as a reflection in the eyes of others. Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his reflection by a pool, and died by the water, hungering for a response from his reflection.

Diagnosis

All personality traits, including narcissism, exist on a continuum from mild to severe. Narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and some narcissistic traits to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”). NPD wasn’t categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association until 1987, because it was felt that too many people shared some of the traits and it was difficult to diagnose. The summarized diagnosis is controversial and undergoing further change.

 CLICK HERE to read more.

How To Create Your “Happily Ever After”

/in /by

By Susie and Otto Colins

3 key questions for anyone who wants a happy, passionate relationship that lasts…

…And they lived happily ever after

You don’t have to be a hopeless romantic or a Disney uber-fan to feel something when you read these words. The desire to attract and sustain a long-lasting, satisfyingly happy love relationship is shared by many women and men too.

There is something comforting and pleasing about the prospect of finding a mate, maybe even a soulmate, and having the passion and love continue to grow over time. Unfortunately, the dream of “happily ever after” feels impossible to many.

It may even be something that you cringe to hear because you once believed it could happen for you and it hasn’t. In fact, what you’ve experienced of love so far in your life has possibly been a giant disappointment that left you feeling scarred and jaded.

There is no “happily ever after,” you may have decided and so you’ve given up your longing for the kind of relationship you truly want and, instead, have settled into “good enough” or even “better off alone.”

We know that life doesn’t always (or maybe ever) feel like a fairytale or Disney movie. And we know that any relationship– including yours– can be one that is consistently happy and one in which passion and connection continue to grow.

If this sounds too fantastical to ever be true for you, we invite you to ask yourself these 3 questions…

#1: What’s your story about your relationship?

We all tell ourselves stories about ourselves and our relationship. If you long for a happiness with your partner that keeps on growing but you’re not living it, take a closer look at the story you tend to tell.

Do statements like this dominate your mind and talk?

“This is as good as it gets”
“I just keep putting up with it.”
“He’d never do that!’
“She’ll always be that way.”
“That kind of love is only in movies and novels.”
“I’m stuck where I am.”
“There’s nothing I can do about this.”

We’re not doubting that there isn’t some truth to the stories you tell yourself. There could be mountains of evidence supporting your story that your partner is always critical, nagging, letting your down, uncaring, disrespectful or boring.

But…. is he or she absolutely always this way? Could there be some moments that you are missing or discounting with your certainty that your partner is always a certain way?

Is there a different story you could open up to about your relationship and your partner that is possibly just as true, but takes into account more than just the unhappiness?

#2: What’s your version of happy look like?

This is the fun part.

When you look at a couple who seems to be happy, is that what you think happy HAS to be? Open up to the possibility that happy can be just as diverse and unique as we human beings are.

Give yourself permission to create your own version of happy in your own way.

3 key questions for anyone who wants a happy, passionate relationship that lasts…

What activities do you like to do– together with your partner or by yourself? What specific expressions of love and appreciation has your partner shown you in the past? Which of these brought warmth to your heart? What specific ways have you shown your love and appreciation for your partner? Which of these seemed pleasing to him or her?

Notice what brings out the happiness for you even if it is different than what you think happy “should” look like.

#3: How can you be a match for the story you want to live?

 CLICK HERE to read more.

 

 

 

According To A Recent Study – Time Spent In Military Service Enhances The Stability Of Marriages

/in /by

By John M. Grohol

Members of the military are more likely to be married and, despite the challenges of making a marriage work with unpredictable schedules and frequent separations due to deployments, are not more vulnerable to divorce than civilian marriages.

According to a new study published in the Journal of Family Issues, the risk of divorce among military marriages has not seen a real increase since the current military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq began, though they have led to lengthy deployments overseas.

Researchers Benjamin R. Karney, David S. Loughran, and Michael S. Pollard analyzed records from 1998 to 2005 from the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System, which collects data about the male population of active military members, and compared them to the Current Populations Surveys from the same years, which documents statistics about civilians.

The researchers sought to compare the marital and divorce status of military personnel and civilians in the years immediately before and after the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The researchers found that, despite the fact that more service members began to be deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan between 2002 and 2005, the divorce rates for military couples remained constant, and did not exceed the divorce rates of civilian couples.

The researchers said they took measures to control for differences in age, race, education level, and employment. They found that not only were servicemen either equally or less likely to be divorced than civilians, but that this disparity increased with older or retired servicemen.

“A possible explanation for this pattern is that time spent in military service enhances the stability of military marriages,” the researchers said.

They noted that the benefits provided to married military members, such as full health care coverage, cost of living bonuses, and the ability to live off-base with their families, also contribute to marriage stability.

Article from YourTango.com

 

I’m In The Best Relationship Ever BUT It’s Not With My Husband

/in , , /by


VIDEO: Do you know of anybody that is still married but has started another relationship? Do they swear that the new person is the best there ever was? A lot of times when we’re in a relationship we swear the grass is greener on the other side even though we’ve neglected our own lawns. We received a question from a viewer that’s married, however she’s in a relationship with another man. She asks whether or not she should allow her marriage to legally come to a complete close (which she says she can’t afford right now) before moving forward in her new relationship. What do you think?

Michael Eric Dyson and Sophia Nelson Debate Gay Marriage

/in /by

Recently on MSNBC’s “The Ed Show,” Michael Eric Dyson debated The Grio.com’s Sophia Nelson on President Obama’s position on gay marriage.  We were pleased to hear Michael publicly apologize for recent comments he made while hosting “The Ed Show”, about Roland Martin, Sophia Nelson, and Pastor Jamal Bryant.  After Sophia accepted his apology the two engaged in back and forth dialogue about biblical reference and interpretation of gay marriage.  Check it out when you get a sec and let us know what you think.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I’m 18….He’s 48 and We Have A Healthy Relationship

/in , /by

VIDEO: I’m 18 years old in a relationship with a man in his late 40’s. We have a healthy relationship. I have been with him for 6 months and I’m thinking about my future if I want to marry him his age considers me but I’m not into guys my age. I’m only attracted to older men. My family would not accept me marrying him because he’s older then me. I haven’t told my family about him. I love him with all my heart. I don’t want to break up with him because of my family. I don’t know what to do can you help?
BLAM FAM what do yall think about this?  One question I have is where in the hell are the men in her life?  Does she have anyone that can step to him and question him about his agenda?

4 Ways To Put The Passion Back In Your Marriage

/in /by

By Scot Means

Want to heat up your bond? Start cultivating passion in your marriage with these few easy steps.

Would you describe your marriage as being full of passion? Would you like it to be?

Whether you are newly married or, like my wife and me, have been married for 30 years, let me assure you that a passionate marriage is not only possible but is well within your reach.

What is passion, exactly? Passion is simply a prevailing presence of powerful positive emotions. Going way beyond a steamy sex life, a passionate marriage is one in which there is an underlying sense of excitement and fervor; one that is full of intensity, joyfulness and unbridled enthusiasm in both sexual and non-sexual dimensions of your relationship.

How do you stir up and keep passion alive? It starts with desire. You have to want it. You have to be deliberate about going after a passionate, intimate marriage, and be willing to do whatever it takes to reach that goal. Engaging your heart fully in the joyful pursuit of a passionate marriage is the first step toward attaining it.

Maybe you’re thinking, “That’s all great, but what can I actually do to grow or renew the passion in my marriage?”

I’ve come up with four key ways to pump up the passion in any relationship. Share them with your spouse, and give them a shot. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised and rewarded by the outcome.

1) Pursuit. Never stop pursuing your husband or wife. Men, let me clue you in: relentlessly pestering your wife for sex does not constitute pursuit—at least not when it comes to most wives I’m aware of. Ladies, you know that you want to be pursued by your husband regardless of how long you’ve been married (and perhaps even more so the longer you are married), but did you know that your husband also wants to be pursued?

However, there is a difference between the way men and women define pursuit. Pursuit, to most men, means feeling desired (ladies, read that as “sex”) and affirmed through respect and appreciation. Most women, on the other hand, are more likely to want to be pursued through time, attention and tender affection (guys, read that as “romance”).

Pursuit pointers:

-Write a love letter, but write the kind of letter that your spouse would want, which may not necessarily be one you would want to receive. Ask yourself, “What would best say ‘I love you’ to him or her?”

-Plan a date that revolves around something your spouse enjoys. Surprise your husband with tickets to his favorite sporting event, or your wife with concert or show tickets. Hint: it looks more like pursuit if it isn’t something you would normally pick out for yourself.

-Bring home a small gift out of the blue, for no occasion in particular.

-Initiate sex in a creative way, especially if your spouse is the one who does most of the initiating.

2) Playfulness. When was the last time you did something with the purposeful intention of just having fun together? Can you recall the last time you laughed together? Do you ever try something new or exciting just because you wanted to add a little spice to your relationships? You can help keep passion alive by occasionally being playful or adventurous and stepping outside your normal routine. Routine squashes passion. Raise the passion level in your marriage with a little wonder, a splash of creativity or an occasional dose of excitement.

Playfulness pointers:

-See a funny movie together, or take in a comedy show.

-Pick a new restaurant at random (there are some great smartphone apps for doing just that).

-Have sex in a new location or position.

-Plan a surprise overnight getaway and kidnap your husband or wife without warning.

-Check into a hotel for an afternoon rendezvous.

-Let your hair down and get silly: have a pillow fight or a tickle war.

3) Positivity. A daily dose of genuine thankfulness can work wonders for keeping passion alive. It is easy and natural to focus on what annoys you about your wife or husband or on what he or she is not doing that you think they should, but it’s almost impossible for passion and intimacy to coexist with such negativity. It is a total passion-killer for both of you. The best way to fight off those negative thoughts is to develop a habit of being grateful and appreciative. It’s not enough just to avoid speaking and thinking negatively. You also need to guard against taking the good parts of your marriage for granted, which tends to happen over time. Make it a point to voice your thanks and appreciation, out loud and frequently, both to your spouse and to others.

Positivity pointers:

-Let your spouse know how much you desire them by being generous with compliments about their physical appearance. (Hint for husbands: your wife is likely in a serious body-image battle, even if you think she has no reason to be.)

-Thank each other specifically for routine responsibilities, such as cooking, yard work, laundry, auto care, driving the kids, etc.

-Keep a running list (perhaps on your phone, journal or computer) of things you are thankful for about your spouse and your marriage, and then make it a habit to communicate your gratitude regularly.

-Mix up the ways you let them know how much you appreciate them: in person, via text, handwritten note, phone message or social media.

CLICK HERE to read more.