The Journey Of Us: How Ayize & Aiyana First Met & Started “Seeing” Each Other

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First, I love y’all and your website and what you’re doing.  You are living the hope we all have.

You may have discussed this…but how did y’all meet?  What was your relationship process/path like?  Who pursued who?  When did you “know” that you had met “the one” you were going to spend your life with?

Thank you so much Ayize & Aiyana; thank you for allowing God to use you!  May God continue to bless you, your family, your union.

My Husband’s Confession

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By Lana Moline

I asked my husband out on a lunch date with the intent of interviewing him to find out something that I perhaps did not know.  After many years of marriage, I will admit that my creativity has matured but in all of my years writing, this was my first time thinking of this.  It was so cute because he was excited and a little nervous.  I think he was sold when I told him that we were eating at one of our favorite restaurants and I was treating.

The nice thing for me is that it brought me back to when we dated.  When I got dressed, I looked past all the comfortable clothes that I wear often and came out with something fierce because I wanted to make sure he did a double take – and he did.  From the moment we were seated, he stared uncontrollably to the point that I blushed through my interview.  So here’s the thing.  I asked him a series of questions just to get a feel for what he was thinking but truth be told,  my plan was to hear his answer to only one question which is “why do you love me?”

We spoke about his goals which were consistent with what I already know of him.  He shared his vision for our family and that warmed my heart and he even dropped some knowledge about the key to relationships.  He said that “relationships thrive when there is a shared interest, a joy for spending time together, mutual respect and a spirit of cooperativeness.”  That moment reminded me that he is a cool dude who is just fun to hang out with and that’s when I asked my question.  It went something like this:

Me:  Why do you love me?

Him:  Because you are brilliant, attractive, smart and kind

Me:  Why do you love me?

Him:  (Without hesitation) Because you are beautiful, considerate and ambitious

Me:  Why do you love me? (I asked 3 times in a row)

Him:  (On cue) Because you are a good cook, you love music and have a desire to grow.

The more I asked, the more answers he had for me.  Although I had set out to find out something that I didn’t know, my entire date reminded me of what I was sure of – He loves me.

Ask your someone special to share why they feel the way that they do about you.  I promise you, it will make the world of difference in your life and in your relationship.  Let me know how it works out for you.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

Women Who Wish Their Spouses Would Die…Hmmmm

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By Margaret, Paul Ph.D.

“I feel awful saying this,” Mary told me during one of our phone counseling sessions, “but I often wish my husband would die. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I think about it a lot.”

“I hear this fairly often,” I responded. “You are thinking this, not because you are a terrible person, but because you feel trapped and you don’t know how to get out of the trap.”

“But my husband is a really nice person and he loves me. Yet all I want to do is get away.”

Mary consulted with me because she was deeply depressed. Through our work together, it became apparent that Mary had completely lost herself in her marriage. While her husband was a “nice” person, he was also a very needy person who took no responsibility for his own feelings and needs. Mary felt constantly pulled on to fill him up and make him feel okay about himself. She was exhausted and drained.

Angie, another one of my clients, also fantasized about her husband dying. Angie’s husband was not nice like Mary’s husband. Instead he was an angry, blaming man who often attacked Angie for not doing what he wanted her to do. Angie was emotionally battered and bruised from the constant verbal abuse, and not only fantasized about her husband dying, but often had suicidal thoughts.

Why didn’t these women leave rather than wish their husbands would die or think about killing themselves?

Sometimes women don’t leave because of money, and sometimes because of children, but this was not the case with either of Mary or Angie. Mary and Angie wouldn’t leave because they felt completely responsible for their husband’s feelings. They knew that even if they left, they would still feel responsible. In their minds the only way out for them was for them to kill themselves or for their husbands to die.

Fortunately, there is another way out of feeling so trapped. The way out is to let go of responsibility for others’ feelings and start to take responsibility for their own feelings. However, for many people, this is a huge challenge.

Both Mary and Angie had been deeply programmed as children to be caretakers. Their sense of worth was completely tied into being “selfless”, which they equated with being loving. In their minds, taking care of themselves instead of caretaking others was selfish – and therefore wrong. The thought of taking care of themselves rather than caretaking their husbands left them feeling unbearably guilty. This is what was causing them to feel so trapped.

Through their work with me, Mary and Angie discovered that caretaking is a form of control – that rather than loving their husbands, they were giving themselves up to get approval or avoid disapproval. They were shocked to realize that they, like their husbands, were also making their husbands responsible for their feelings.

Through practice, they gradually learned to take responsibility for their own feelings and let go of responsibility for their husband’s feelings. They learned to take time for themselves, speak up for themselves, and trust their own feelings. In the course of learning to love themselves, they found that they could express love to their husbands without taking responsibility for their husband’s feelings. The more they let go of responsibility for their husband’s feelings, the freer they felt to love themselves and love their husbands.

Without their wives constantly taking responsibility for them, both their husbands gradually learned to take more responsibility for themselves.

Both Mary and Angie are still married to their same husbands and they no longer feel trapped, drained, or depressed – and they no longer want their husbands to die!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome/relationship_help.html, and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com

10 Things I’ve Learned In 36 Years Of Marriage

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By Tom King

My wife and I recently celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. As I reflected on this, I decided to share my list of the top 10 things I have learned in 36 years, in no particular order.

1. We’ve grown up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it’s these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, our relationship has grown.

2. We’ve changed with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty-nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.

3. Life comes in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy, you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.

4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.

5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage is our shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.

6. It isn’t always easy to tell the truth. Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.

7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same for me.

What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is sensitive to. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.

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Love Jones-ing

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor
Do you remember the movie “Love Jones?”  What is that a smile?  Yep,  everyone remembers “Love Jones.”  (If not, stop right now and order Netflix or Amazon or something and watch the movie NOW.)  This often quoted, much beloved movie has tons of great lines.  But tonight I am dealing with one.  You remember this one, right?  Say it with me:

“Romance is about the possibility of things. You see it’s about the time between when you first meet some fine woman and when you first make love to her. And when you first ask a woman to marry you and when she says I do. When people that have been together for a long time say the romance is gone, what they’re really saying is that they’ve exhausted the possibility.” — Darius Lovehall

Ooooooh!  Ladies, remember this line?  Fellas, weren’t you in the theater nodding when you first heard this?  Yes!  And guess what?  It is so true.  The lack of surprise.  The lack of anticipation.  The humdrum of settling into a routine can really sap the romance.

Now, let me state clearly: There has to be a balance between spontaneity and stability.  You can’t be so passionate that the light bill isn’t getting paid.  But you can’t be so solely focused on stability that the passion fades and you turn into business partners or roommates.  So there has to be a balance.  But quite often the pendulum swings to the land of the boring.  And don’t add kids to the mix!  Whoo! By the time you climb the corporate ladder, hit a gymnastics class, do homework, and try to feed the family it is hard to make passion a priority.

But guess what?  You have to make the passion a priority! You have to invest in each other.  You have to step away from the humdrum and really do something OUTSIDE OF THE BOX together.  Don’t just do what he likes or what she likes.  Do something that neither one of you has done before.  Try something totally outside of your comfort zone.

The hubs and I went salsa dancing just the other day.  While we may never be on “Dancing with the Stars,”  we had a great time!  And it fanned the passion flame.  I am excited about what we are going to try next.. But I do know this much.. I am determined to never exhaust the possibility of romance.

Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com

Stop Taking Your Spouse For Granted!

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By Ruth Purple

If there’s one thing that I have learned in this life is you don’t own it. It ca be take away from you without notice or preparation. Therefore, never hesitate to show your affection and love. I remember not so long ago, my good friend Gina went to my office looking very haggard and staring blankly at the wall.

I asked her what happened and her reply really broke my heart. “My husband died of stroke last night, it was all so sudden and I don’t know what to do.” She paused for a while and continued… “If only I could’ve taken care of him more maybe this wouldn’t had happened.

Maybe if I reminded him of his medication or give importance to his diet he would still be here with us. I never even showed him the love that he deserved; it was all so sudden…” she ended up sobbing until she cannot talk anymore. I gave her the biggest hug and showed her my deepest sympathies.

Regret is a very painful emotion to have. Good for you if you had the chance to redeem and save yourself from it but what if you will never get that chance, like in Gina’s case? So before its too late, show your affection because what comes after regret is guilt and guilt can do a lot of damage in your well-being or your life.

So here are some reminders on how to show your affection. To show your affection don’t sweat the small stuff or blow it up. Yes, it can be very annoying if he doesn’t put the toilet sit down or the way he messed up your closet or how his snoring keeps you awake at night.

But these are the things that can be dealt it with in a mild manner; making your partner feel bad because of these trivial things is very unnecessary. Be more considerate and give a lot of respect, listen more, it’s funny that you sometime treat your waiter or your bank teller with more respect than your spouse.

Be kinder than necessary to your partner. Another way to show your affection is by not taking your spouse for granted. Celebrate his birthday, who knows it might be the last one that he’s going to have. Take care of him- if your husband loves to eat, bring him his favorite food, buy him new undergarments (men usually have no time for this) or just do something nice.

To show your affection, you need to learn to forgive. If he done you wrong. Talk to each other and learn to compromise. If you cannot learn to forgive then tell him so and make proper arrangement, don’t keep him hanging around and spend the next 10 years of your married life getting even or alienating him.

See the goodness in each other. People do and can change for the better. It’s just sad that sometimes people see the goodness of their partner when they are already gone. It’s ironic that sometimes people give more respect when the person is already dead rather than he is living.

It’s satirical that sometimes some people appreciate their partner more when he is gone rather than he is alive. Heed my words; when he is gone, the silence in your home can be unbearable and the house that you kill to be nice and tidy will be meaningless without his mess.

Again show your affection while you can- hug more, kiss more, say I love you more because it will be such a tragedy when you finally hugged him but he cannot hug you back. To show your affection try to consider that every moment that you spend with him might be the last moment.

Seize the day and seize your love. Show your affection, don’t hold back.

 

7 Questions To Ask Yourself To See If You’re A Good Companion

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By Amy Schoen

What makes a good companion? Do you have what it takes to be a good companion to your love interest?

Here are 7 ways that you can be a good life partner and companion to someone. Ask yourself these relationship questions:

  1. Do you have fun together and find you can be playful and light-hearted with one another? With the right partner you can be silly together and laugh with one another. Also you get one another’s jokes and humor.
  2. Are you a good listener where you help your partner feel heard? You can express empathy without having to solve their problem. You seek to understand your partner, and are sensitive to his or her needs and requests.
  3. Are you willing to go along with your partner into their world by spending time with their friends, family and colleagues, as well as, part take in their activities and interest? Perhaps you may go to the occasional hockey game with his work buddies and their wives even though this not an activity you would choose to do on your own!
  4. Are you willing to compromise and consider what’s best for you as a couple instead of just the individual? What is important here is to be working to find livable solutions for the “we” instead of only thinking what’s in it for “me”! If your partner gets a desirable oversees assignment, you may try and work out a way with your work to join your partner for some part of that time.
  5. Are you able to express appreciation for having your partner in your life? You can do this both verbally and by your actions such as gift giving or helping your partner with a chore in order to make their life a bit easier. One example of this is you offering to bring home dinner after a difficult day at work.

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Aaron And Maya – “The Proposal”

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The Set-Up

Six months before the actual engagement, Aaron told Maya to keep August 13, 2011 available because he had signed them up for a scavenger hunt in DC (a favorite pastime for the two of them). Over the next several months, Aaron contacted his close friends and her close friends to assist him in the proposal of a lifetime.

August 13, 2011

The morning of the “scavenger hunt”, Aaron called Maya and asked if she would drive since his car was “acting up.” So, she picked him up and they drove down to the “start line” of the scavenger hunt at Haines Point in D.C. They parked, walked up to the Snack Bar building, and Aaron says “let me go check inside to see if everyone is inside.” He comes back out and says “everyone is in there, but I left my wallet in the car, so wait one second for me.” He runs off to the car…and never comes back! About 5 minutes have passed and Maya is still standing there thinking, “What is he doing? He’s acting so weird!” Then she felt a tap on her shoulder and someone said, “Ready to start your day?” It was Dale, Aaron’s best friend and favorite cousin who lives in Miami, Florida. Maya is shocked to see him. She asks, “What are you doing here???” Dale was calm and collective and says, “Well you guys are always talking about how much fun you have during these scavenger hunts, so I’m here to be a part of it.” Maya is puzzled and responds, “Let me get this straight…You flew all the way up here from Miami to participate in a DC scavenger hunt??” Dale proceeds by saying, “I’m going to give you the hints for Clue #1 and if you get it right, we’ll head to the first location.”

Check out the rest of the story and how the proposal played out by watching the video below:

Love Is Not Shaped Like A Pie – 5 Ways To Love Freely And Fully

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By Moushumi Ghose

One of the biggest misconceptions about love is that love is shaped like a pie. We are raised from the time we were little tiny babies to believe that there is one “Mr. Right”, one “Prince Charming”, and one “soul-mate.” And while this may be a true assessment, this absolutist thinking sets us up for failure. With so many rules and expectations about love, if we aren’t set up for failure then we are most definitely, at the very least, set up for these disturbing and unwanted feelings of jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness and a slew of other mal-adaptive feelings which don’t allow for love to grow, but in fact squelch and suppress love.

The pie theory of love suggests this: there is only so much love (100% to be exact) to go around. For example, a pie is a circle or 100%. If you cut a piece of the pie out and give it to someone, and let’s say there are 8 pieces total, then when one piece is gone there are only 7/8 of the pie left.

Using this pie theory when it comes to love, falsely suggests that there is only so much love to go around. At some point, the pie, or in this case love, will be all eaten up or given away. This theory also known in some circles as starvation economics is based on a desire to hoard. There have been some studies that suggest that hoarders have had to “go without” or “starve” for some period of time. Similar to anorexics, who have previously starved their bodies of food and have experienced starvation, will inadvertently push the brain into survival mode. Thus, when the body does finally get food it will store any excess food or nourishment the body intakes as fat, for the future, more leaner days.

In much the same way, if we take a look back to our childhood days, if we were starved of love, affection or denied our basic attachment needs in any way, which most of us have been, whether it be by a mother suffering from something as simple and common as post partum depression to full out abandonment, we have at some point in our life been starved of love. We have had to go without. Thus, when we get love, or find love, we do the very thing that then pushes it away. We hold on too tight. By assuming that love will run out, because we have experienced this very thing before, we hold on tight so as to not lose our share.

But, love is not a pie. Love is infinite and the amount of love we get is often based on the amount of love we give ourselves. Here I have compiled 5 tenets of loving that we need to learn in order to give love freely, accept love freely and learn that the abundance of love is all around us. In turn, we will stop feeling jealous or fearful about our own loved ones, stop feeling ownership, possessiveness and ultimately also learn to thrive in all of our relationships.

1. We have the capacity to love infinitely. Imagine a mother with 10 children. She loves all of her children. She has the capacity to love all 10 children, along with her own 10 siblings, and her 50 good friends. Whether she loves them equally is based on her relationship with each one, and the amount of love they are willing to receive, and accept, based on how much they love themselves.

2. Want happiness for your partner, lover and best friend. After recognizing that everyone has the infinite ability to love, then you must allow yourself the infinite ability to give love and this is best done by wanting your lover, partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. to be happy. If they are flirting with someone at a party, instead of feeling jealous, try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Does this make him/her happy? If so, make room for allowance. A little flirtation never hurt anyone, and in fact…it may make for better sex.

3. Accepting (loving) their past. If love is infinite, this should make it easier to accept ex’s, past relationships, familial ties, etc—that ex-boyfriend that she still talks to or that strange relationship he has with his mother. You will now be able to make more allowances for them to exist. They do not take away from how much your partner loves you.

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Chivalry Is Not Dead! 10 Moves That Make Women Melt

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By Jenna Birch

Here’s to all the women who are looking for that chivalrous, good-hearted guy. He’s out there – I’ve seen it. These are the things he does to make us swoon. (And to all those chivalrous, good-hearted guys, keep doing what you’re doing. We love you for it.)

1. Holding the door. The other day, I was headed inside a building when a dark-haired guy with glasses noticed me a few steps away from the door. He waited for me to catch up, then held the door open and stepped aside, allowing me to head in first. I don’t see this much anymore, living in a liberal area with a younger populace. And yeah, I swooned. I slowed down, looked him in the eye and thanked him. In actuality, I wanted to shake his hand or give him a bear hug or something for being so darn chivalrous (don’t worry, I didn’t). Note: I have the same reaction to pulling out chairs and lifting heavy objects.

2. Calling when he says he will call. We women are used to waiting for his call … and waiting, and waiting, and checking our phones, and waiting, and waiting, and checking to make sure our phones are actually functioning, and waiting, and waiting. There is nothing more infuriating. Women crave reliability, but we no longer anticipate it. When a guy says he will call at 5:30 PM, we just think, “Ha! OK.” If he actually calls at 5:30 PM? Well, cue the giddiness. “This one’s a keeper.”

3. Avoiding games. There is nothing more attractive than a guy who doesn’t beat around the bush. He lets you know he’s into you, and he’s confident enough that he doesn’t care about playing it cool. He likes you, he’s excited about you, and he wants you to know it. Amazing? Uh, yeah.

4. Meeting our family and friends. We know a man’s serious if he will gladly meet mom and shake hands with dad. And then, meet all of our friends, happily tolerating the one he just doesn’t get along with. We see he’s not a fan of her sarcastic quips — the fact that he’s putting a smile on makes us all warm and fuzzy inside.

5. Small, public gestures of affection. Most women don’t want all-out PDA. That makes us as uncomfortable and queasy as men. What we do love, however, is a guy who will grab our hand on the street or give us a quick peck on the cheek. It’s adorable. We love that he loves being with us, and we think it’s rather fantastic that he wants others to know, too.

6. Making sure we got home OK. Imagine this: He’s not waiting three days to call you. He’s calling or dropping you a brief text just to make sure you’re home and safe. Oh, and he also walked you to your car in that shady parking structure/dark parking lot (because those locations are scary).

7. Offering a jacket. I grew up watching rom-coms, and seeing the guy give the girl his jacket always made me smile. I am freezing on a regular basis—and I hate it. If a guy is willing to brave the cold and give me his cozy means of protection so I can feel warmer, I can’t even express the amount of gratitude. (My friends all concurred on this one. Such a turn-on!)

8. Getting the car when it’s raining. It takes a long time for us to do hair and makeup. We’d rather keep it intact, you know? Enough said.

9. Stepping in during awkward situations. My friend found herself riding a bus a few weeks back with a guy nearby who was “creeping on her,” so to speak. Another man, a perfect stranger, stepped in and got Creepy Guy to back off. “I was just like, ‘Thank you!'” she recalls. Sometimes, it’s hard to break away from awkward situations like that. As women, we like to feel safe — like someone has our backs. I’ve been in my friend’s shoes, and when a guy goes out of his way to help a lady, it’s pretty much our favorite chivalrous gesture.

10. He cares about your opinions, and shows respect. Women know when we’re being taken seriously. We can tell when a guy wants to know more about us, more about what we believe and more about how we think and react. We can tell when a man values our opinions and respects what we bring to the table in any stage of a romantic relationship. It’s what we look for most in a guy, and how we know when we’ve met our match. It’s what many of us, especially Christians, would want our future husband to be like. The Bible says in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” I love that verse. I’m looking for a guy who could love me in that way. I can’t wait to find him—the one who loves and respects the mixed-up, modern, old-fashioned me.

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