Confessions From A Former Serial Monogamist: Too Young To Be So Serious

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

Often times when I sit down to write, I think of my future children. I think about the things that I have gone through and how I see those situations much differently now. In life you really don’t get “do-overs” but if I could keep my children away from some of the unnecessary heartaches that I have faced, I will try my best to do so. Often times we think about the monetary fortune that we will leave them with.  However, we neglect leaving them the fortune of wisdom itself.

I wish that I would have learned not to take dating so seriously at such an early age. Being raised by women, my view of dating differed from most men. I was not the kind of guy who believed in a lot of messing around. Sure I did it once or twice but for the most part, I was a serial monogamist. Now that I look back at it, it was crazy that I was always in love with somebody. From the movies I watched and stories I’d heard, I swear to you that I thought I would find my wife in high school or college and live happily ever after. I didn’t realize how unrealistic this scenario really was. As much as we think we know what we want out of life and relationships, as we mature we will look back and realize that our thoughts have changed several times. When we were 17-22 years old, what did we really know about anything? We barely knew what we wanted our major to be in college and yet we were trying to be in these life changing courtships!

I look back at my twenties and realize that I wasted so much time chasing after relationships that were doomed to fail. We were young and now out on our own. Unlike when we were in college, we now had apartments, cars, and money to spend. This should have been the most selfish time of our lives! Not in a malicious or hurtful way but we should have taken this time to truly discover who we really were and what we really wanted but what did I do? I complicated things by chasing after women that I had no business chasing after!

Whether we realize it or not, we try to grow up too fast. In many cases instead of us learning to grow on our own, we add unnecessary crutches and stumbling blocks to our lives. We barely know what we want while trying to cater to the needs of others. At that time we tried to play “adult house”, when we should have been trying to get our own house in order. We spent too many days and nights crying and moaning for people to whom we gave too much power and attention. Now these people are an after thought, yet the complications from those relationships still haunt us to this very day.

I still have friends who are serial monogamist. They cannot stand to be alone. They break up with one person and are moving them out just to help another person move in. Serial monogamists usually do not see the real issue. They are using others to fill a void that can never truly be filled by anyone else. Often times they don’t really want the person that they are dating, they just don’t want to be alone. It’s a destructive pattern -it’s like being hungry but deciding to snack on chips and cookies. They will never really satisfy you and they are hurting you more than they are helping you.

I am a true believer that we should date around and have fun while we are younger. That does not mean sleep around or whore around and maliciously play games with other people, but just go out and discover who you are and what you really want. More times than not, you will discover that your wants and likes will change drastically over time. Things that you thought were important, mean little to you now. Some of us should also practice being alone. We often ask God to show us our next step or to speak to us and then we never stay still or quiet long enough to hear Him speak. It’s great getting to know another person and finding the one to spend the rest of your days with but I will remind my children to be a little selfish and learn about themselves first.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

Ladies…NO Means NO!

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

I have a lot of female friends. When you have friends of the opposite sex , you tend to hear a lot of things. Women are truly from another planet – not trying to be disrespectful- I am just saying we see things differently. It amazes me how most men understand a situation in a certain way and at the same time most women see the exact situation in a totally different light.

A prime example of this point is when a man and a woman first meet. They may go out on a date and eventually they start asking normal date questions. One of those questions usually pertains to the future dating intentions of the other. “What are you looking for in a relationship right now?” is a big question. And if a man is semi decent, he will tell you that he is not looking for anything serious, if he in fact is not. I am not saying that you should ask for the check right then, but if you want something more, you probably shouldn’t see him again.

When you are younger, this probably does not matter as much. You may not be looking for the man of your dreams at that point. In this case, I say date around and find what you want . And I didn’t say “sleep around”, so please understand the difference. Usually women start to think of marriage and families before men do. When a women is finally ready to get married and start a family, she no longer sees it fit to waste time (or at least you wouldn’t think so).

Men, for the most part, see dating in a different light. Because of society and because of our own foolish nature we have the fear of commitment. We spend most of our early adult years fantasizing about the women we hoped to have had and about the women we mistakenly believe we are going to get. We are stuck on the thought that marriage means sleeping with one woman until the day we die. So we usually hold out on marriage until we are sure -which tends to be after several years and after several women.

Odds are many women catch a man at a time when he is truly not looking for anything serious. When a man says this, ladies please take him at his word. Do you know how many times I have heard women say, “he is a dog” and “he lead me on”? He did not lie to you. Didn’t he tell you that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship? Wasn’t he honest with you from the very beginning?

When a man says that he is not looking for anything serious, he is saying that he wants to hang out with no responsibility and with no guilt attached to seeing you. If another girl calls you can’t get upset. If your girls see him out with someone else you shouldn’t be angry. He is not promising you anything except maybe a nice dinner and a few laughs each time you go out. However, the mistake is made when you decide to let the situation become physical.

Casual relationships are never a good idea, especially when you know that you want more. I think one of the biggest mistakes that a woman can make is thinking that she can change a man’s mind. Trust me, it will not work! Yes in some rare cases a man has gone from being on the fence about a relationship to falling head over heels for a casual acquaintance however ladies, are you willing to take that chance with your heart and emotions?

I’ve had women tell me that they meet a guy and casually date. The guy lets them know up front that he is not looking for anything serious. A little time passes and they start to hang out more often. In my friends’ minds they feel as if the relationship is starting to become more serious. Some are afraid to ask what the guy is thinking but they hope by this increased dating frequency that this means he is finally changing his mind and now wants to take her seriously.

Please listen to my urgent warning! A man can show you all the “signs” of being interested in settling down with you. Unless he tells you this, PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME THAT THIS IS THE CASE! Sure he loves hanging with you and sure you may be the type of woman that he may eventually want but until he decides that he wants you to be his forever, you should stay clear of him. As I always say, men are Vultures. We love the opportunity that presents itself in these situations. It’s like having the benefits of a relationship but without having an actual girlfriend. It’s freelance dating at its best.

Men believe that by telling you that they are not interested in a serious relationship, this gives them the ability to do as they please. This is his way of protecting himself from being called a dog or whatever names women call men. He believes that he is justified because it is a fact that he is not lying to you. So instead of him lying to you, you begin to lie to yourself. You start off saying “ok, I will just hang with him and although I want more, I will not rock the boat”. Then it becomes “ok now I am having feelings for him and he seems to want more, eventually he will settle”. Either way you look at it, he warned you about where he was and you ignored him. You even ignored yourself. Dating is complicated but we tend to complicate it even more with our foolish mistakes. I say dating will become that much easier for you ladies when you realize that no means no!

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

Are You Dating A Commitment Phobe?

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By: Aaron Adams

All your friends seem to be engaged. When you see each other, all you talk about are the plans for the wedding and where the honeymoon is going to be. When you look back, you can’t seem to remember how many of your friends said goodbye to being single and embraced the blissful married life.

When you think about it, you’re not really a bad woman. You have a successful career, and you’re an overall good person. But how come all the men you’ve dated so far are afraid of the word commitment?

Your current boyfriend may be someone you wish to end up marrying. But every time you talk about marriage, or when you drop hints now and then about how happy your married friends are, he seems to blank out and stops hearing what you are saying. Talking about moving in together gets the same response as well.

If you can relate to the scenario above, then you may be dating a man who is “commitment phobe” or a man scared of the word commitment.

A “commitment phobe” doesn’t believe in the word “forever.” He may even have doubts about spending “forever” with you. This isn’t because he doesn’t love you – it’s just that he’s scared of the thought of spending his whole life with any one person
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For him the mere fact that you’re together and that you have a somewhat stable relationship is enough. He’d think that committing to a more serious relationship would curtail all the freedom that he enjoys.

Being hurt in the past may be another reason why he doesn’t want to give his all into the relationship. But you can be sure that once the right woman comes along, he’ll forget about all the hurt and will gladly settle down. That woman could be you.

In reality, men are “programmed” to think that commitment isn’t beneficial for them. So it’s going to be a challenge for you to “re-program” him and make him think that commitment is something that he really needs and can benefit from.

By now you know that no amount of nagging can change his mind. So it is important for you to understand how your man’s mind works so that you can change his mindset to your advantage. He must realize his need of somebody to spend the rest of his life with. You can only do this if you stop clinging on to tightly too him and by going back to the kind of woman that he fell for in the beginning.

The change should come from him, but you can help lead him towards the change that he needs. Discover what makes your man tick and use this to your advantage. Let him see what a wonderful woman you really are and he’ll slowly see you again in the same light that got him interested in day one. Don’t be clingy, but instead be independent – the kind of woman who knows what she wants and how to get it.

Then he’ll see you as somebody he should never let go of. By understanding how his mind works, you’ll make him go the direction you want him to, and that includes a long-term commitment with you.


Don’t Need To Put A Ring On It…Being Married Does Not Define Me.

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Team BLAM

It’s always good to stay in touch with emerging thoughts as it pertains to relationship dynamics.  Doing so, equips you with the necessary knowledge to remain relevant and relate to your children as they age and enter adulthood.  In the below article from TheRoot we are provided an opportunity to explore the thoughts of the millennial generation about love, marriage, and parenting.  We found the article to be very intriguing and thought provoking on many levels.  BLAM Fam check it out and let us know what you think.

By Brandee Sanders

There it lay in front of me, a strapless, satin, ivory gown embellished with floral embroidery, complete with a chapel train and my aunt’s promising smile. “We’re saving this for when it’s your turn,” she said.

It was the perfect equation for her. My mother and father never tied the knot, and my aunt didn’t have any daughters to pass her wedding dress down to. Little did she know that marriage is the last thing on my 21-year-old mind. It took every fiber in my body not to rain on her bridal parade with a “No thanks.”

Don’t get me wrong. Her dress was to die for, but taking that walk down the aisle isn’t a necessity for me, and a recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center suggests that many Americans between the ages of 18 and 29 agree with me.

In fact, just 30 percent of survey respondents in the Millennial generation agree that one of the most important things in life is “having a successful marriage,” while 52 percent put “being a good parent” in that category.

I’m sure that every girl has dreams about finding her Prince Charming, walking down the aisle, exchanging vows in front of family and friends and living happily ever after. But when we’re faced with the realities of relationships in our society, those dreams often get lost along the way, and priorities relating to marriage and parenthood began to shift.

Family Structure in Flux

With the ever changing landscape of family structures in America, the tradition of getting married first and then having children has become old-fashioned to a growing number of young people. Single parenthood by choice is on the rise, and the trend toward having children out of wedlock has been growing for some time now — and in some quarters has been accepted as the norm.

Seventy-two percent of black children are now born outside of marriage, while only 29 percent of white children are born to unwed parents. Sixty-seven percent of African-American households are headed by single parents, compared with 24 percent of white households.

With these developments, it’s little surprise that Millennials value parenthood far more than marriage as a life goal. Certainly, living in the same household with unwed parents has shaped my perception of tying the knot. My mother and father didn’t need a huge ceremony or a certificate to define their relationship. My brother’s birth and my own were testimonies to their love.

BLAM Fam she goes on to say,

Sixty-seven percent of Millennials taking the Pew survey believe that it makes no difference whether you are single or married when it comes to finding happiness.

She concludes by saying,

Whatever the future holds for me, whether I’m a co-parent or I’m doing it on my own, I know that when it comes to parenting, I will use the morals that my parents gave me. I don’t need a ring, a huge ceremony or a marriage certificate to define who I am. I’ll let the way I raise my child speak to that.

BLAM Fam what are your thoughts about this?  What do you think about choosing single parenthood over marriage?

To read the full article CLICK HERE.

“Shacking Up” Is No Longer Taboo

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Team BLAM

“Shacking up” used to be considered a social taboo, however it is quickly becoming an acceptable “norm” in today’s American society.  According to U.S. Census data..there has been a 25% increase over the past 10 years of couples living together before tying the knot.  Why the increase?  Is it a reflection of a loosening of religious ideals?  Are couples freeing themselves of the negative connotation associated with “shacking up” and deciding to define their own reality?

According to a recent article on BlackAmericaWeb, many couples are choosing to explore cohabitation prior to marriage because they view it as a “less risky” way to test the marriage waters.  Additionally, these couples acknowledge that there could be inherent economic benefits to financially pooling their resources together during these tough economic times.

What’s interesting is that while one of the objectives of “shacking up” is to increase the level of certainty regarding the longevity of the relationship there is a 49% chance that a cohabitation relationship will break up within 5 years vs a 20% chance when couples progress toward marriage the traditional route.

Regardless of which path you choose….you can’t escape the fact that RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR GROWN FOLKS.  Considering that the rate of divorce for first marriages is at 51%, second marriage divorce rates are at 67% and third marriage divorce rates are increasing to 74%, you have to be willing to put in the work to ensure relationship success whether you “shack up” or not.

Time Together: A Remedy For Healing Heartbreak.

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By Dr. Lisa Love

For the past five years I’ve been single again after a rocky marriage that didn’t go as I had hoped. At first, I was filled with enthusiasm as I looked forward into the future to get a fresh start at love. But, as many of you might have discovered, starting over isn’t always easy. In short, there are a lot of wounded hearts out there. And, when all these wounds bump into each other it can be hard to know how to create a healing balm. Well, here is one solution. Love. But, in this article I am speaking about a particular kind of love, one that I first learned about many years ago when passing by a church billboard. It said simply, “How do you spell love? T – I – M – E.” That gave me a lot to reflect on.

Time is about bonding or connecting, which is what Pat Love and Steven Stosney share in their brillant book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.” This is true whether the time spent is between partners, parents and children, friends, or co-workers. And, it isn’t just a matter of quality time, it’s time, period! As another favorite saying of mine goes, “Time is priority, we always have time for our priorities in life.” Meaning, if you want to know if something or someone is a priority to you, look at how much time you invest in that person or activity.
On a personal level, I really got to experience how time heals in recent years. But, understand that I am not talking about taking time apart so that bonds can dissolve, but spending time together to lift everything up into a state of love, whether you keep things at a partnership, or just friend level.

One example of this especially stands out in my mind. It concerns a relationship I had with a man for a few years, that for various reasons didn’t work out. Though at first we needed some time to pass apart from each other to cool things down and to heal our hurt, what really mended our hearts was making a commitment to spend loving time together. Not so we could become a couple again, but to honor what love had been shared between us. Believe me, it worked!

The time together consisted of casual lunches, a few movies out, some early evening dinners, karoke, and friendly chats on the phone. The goal was not to get back together, but to find a way to honor one another and help us remember the love that was shared between us. Over a series of months of doing this, the “salve” worked and our wounds were healed. Today a loving friendship exists because we took time to heal one another, and lift ourselves back into a state of love. (Michael – thanks for taking the time to help us heal so we could move forward in a healthy way and be free to love others).

Now, I know sometimes this isn’t always practical. If we are speaking about relationships that are over, it could be one or both people have moved on with someone else. Then, you need to have an understanding partner who respects what the two of you are attempting to do. Strange as it sounds many years ago, I was actually invited to meet with a former boyfriend and his new girlfriend to be involved in such a healing process. Upon their request I took the time to drive from Los Angeles to Sacramento where they lived. There we spent three days together. During that time, I was able to bring love, compassion, and respect to the man who had never fully let me go, though we had not been a couple for years. And, I was able to bond with his new girlfriend, who finally saw first hand that I was truly not a threat. To my amazement she and I became fast friends as we spent time together. There were tears, but also there was a lot of laughter between us. I still have the picture that the man took of her and I holding each other in a loving hug just as I was about to go back home. I have never forgotten how powerful it was to spend that kind of loving time together. (Marvin and Olga – I still remember this, thank you for your gift of love).

You see in a world where more and more people feel abandoned and neglected, and where people are increasingly preoccupied with spending time at work, making a living, or vegging out in front of the television, too many of us are not spending the time together to bond, connect, and share our love. We are not holding each other, laughing enough together, greeting each other with a warm hello.

So, let me ask you this. Is there someone in your life you need to spend time with to bring about a healing? A partner, parent, child, co-worker, friend, former loved one that you are now estranged from? If so, here is what I recommend. Make a commitment to take some time to be together. Make your healing and reconnection a priority in your life. Don’t let other priorities dominate and crowd out the time you have set aside to do this, or you will end up increasing the sense of abandonment and hurt all over again. Then, the healing will become even more difficult.

And, if you choose to do this here are some ground rules.

1. Set aside time to be together.
2. Know that the goal is to help each other heal.
3. Don’t discuss hurts at first. Just keep it casual.
4. Reconnecting in public is a good idea to start. Lunches are best at the beginning.
5. If you were partners once, refrain from anything sexual. This is not an attempt to rekindle a relationship at this point, it is only about healing past hurts.
6. As much as possible, as you are first reconnecting, keep the time spent to a minimum, but be sure to make the time you spend together consistent! Long gaps, or broken commitments regarding spending healing time together, will only create more hurt.
7. If the two of you do want to talk about any hurt caused between the two of you, don’t do it until you have had at least five casual reconnections, maybe even as many as seven. Remember the goal at first is connection, not communication.
8. If someone feels sensitive, or mistrusts your intention to spend healing time together, know that time spent in the right way will help that as well. Share that you care about that person. Let them know you want to spend some time with them. Pick something to do together that the two of you would enjoy. (And, remember I am talking about parents spending time with children, and friends spending time with friends, not just former partners healing hurts together).

Ultimately, I have found in my own experience that this kind of healing time really works. But, remember to be consistent in doing this. Set a regular time if you need to. And, stick to the rules to not discuss any hurt between you until you have had consistent casual time together.

Believe me, this works. And, what better thing to do than to mend hurts with the people you love (and once loved), than to let them fester any longer.

Want more help? Also, consider this book, “I Thought We’d Never Speak Again.”

Happy Healing to You!

Dr. Lisa Love is the founder of LoveMovies! and also the best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction; ATTRACTING REAL LOVE: 4 Steps for Finding the Love You Want; and SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad; MEDITATION: The Path to Peace.  Contact me to discover what I can do for you. FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html WEBSITE: http://www.doctorlisalove.com EMAIL: lisa@doctorlisalove.com FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/doctorlisalove FAN PAGE on FACEBOOK:http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-Lisa-Love/48936741770 LOVEMOVIES: http://www.lovemoviesonline.com TWITTER: http://www.twitter.com/doctorlisalove

Michelle Obama Shares Dating Advice She Gives Her Daughters

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VIDEO: Michelle Obama recently sat down with ABC News’ David Muir during a recent trip to South Africa. She was accompanied by her daughters, cousins, and mother. She was asked “What advice will you give to your daughters when they fall in love?” Listen in to hear what she said…

Source: HuffPostAOL

RADIO: BLAM’s Aiyana Ma’at, Michael Baisden, & G. Dub Rap About How Marriage Is For Grown Folks

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RADIO INTERVIEW: Do people really know what they’re getting into when they take that life changing walk down the aisle? This is the question that Michael Baisden, George Wilborn, & Aiyana Ma’at attempt to answer in this interview where they discuss an article written by Aiyana: “Marriage Is For Grown Folks”. Sit back, listen & as always let us know what you think.

Back To The Basics…Of Love

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By H. Roberta Williams

It’s been a little while since my last self-soul searching note, so here goes nothng. I’d love to read your thoughts about this particular post in the comments section when you get a chance.

In the process of getting back on my feet and recovering from a particularly difficult personal ordeal, I’ve been cautiously allowing a few men to get beyond the “Hey, how are you?” surface level of my time. Typically, when a brother comes to the door of my heart, it remains closed, but I’ll speak through it to see what he wants. With a few gentlemen, I’ve allowed the door to crack open a bit, but the chain is still on it.

Many have said, “Harriet, girl, just jump back out there and go for the gusto!” As much as I would love to take that kind of risk, I just got out of the frying pan. I’m not all that eager to find myself in a fire, and the vulnerability I feel will more than likely put me there if I’m not careful.

Case in point: there’s this one brother I went to high school with, right? He calls often, and never fails to put a smile on my face. My mom noticed one day and asked, “Do you have a boyfriend now?” My response was a quick, “No! Why?” She said she’d noticed that the moment I saw his name on the caller ID, my whole face lit up.

Wow. I’m really easy to read, but it’s embarassing when moms takes notice. LOL She proceeded to ask me innocent questions about who he is, where he’s from, how’d we meet, who are his parents, what does he do, etc. After answering with generalities, she threw a doozie at me:

“What do you like about him?”

Lord, have mercy. My answer to that simple question became the judge regarding my readiness to “go for the gusto.” I’ll let you be the judge as well before I give you my own personal assessment.

I replied, “Well, he’s thoughtful, a hard worker, he makes me laugh, he respects me, and our conversations challenge me to be a better person and a better Christian.”

Boom. The recipe for a man worthy of my attention, right?

Wrong!

These are the baseline things that a man should offer from the get go…but here I am, giving extra credit for things that should the minimum standard. He’s SUPPOSED to be thoughtful! He’s SUPPOSED to have a sense of humor! He’s SUPPOSED to be respectful! He’s SUPPOSED to be intellectually, emotionally and spiritually challenging and uplifting!

So although I thought I was ready, realistically I’m not. When I start getting excited about a brother presenting to me the bare minimum requirements of what it should take to be in an adult relationship, then I need to step back, regroup and try again later.

I’m going back to the basics of love, y’all.

The basics for me look like this:

1) Loving God enough to allow Him to guide my steps instead of me trying to get Him to cosign on my foolishness

2) Loving myself enough to know that I’m worth the baseline standard and THEN some…not just settling for the minimum

3) Respecting a man enough to not make him pay for another man’s mistakes…whether purposely or subconsciously.

These fundamentals will be my guide to opening the door to my heart again.

Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only one that has stuck so far is “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. Her transparent style chops away at the proverbial “elephants in the living room” that no one wants to talk about. She has made her own life an open door, so others will be willing to look at themselves and their humanity unashamedly and keep pressing forward in spite of the obstacles encountered. You can read more of her work on her site MY LIFE: THE AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL or you can contact her at harriethairston@yahoo.com.

VIDEO: The FAILED Proposal–When A Woman’s Self-Worth Trumps Her Desire To Be Married

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By Team BLAM

VIDEO: Marriage is a beautiful thing. Marriage is a wonderful thing. In fact, we believe marriage is an essential weapon for black folks to use against the epidemics of poverty, homelessness, crime, and poor education in our community. Simply put, marriage rocks.

However, we never want you to get our fundamental bottom line message twisted— more than anything we are advocates for healthy relationships.

How many of us know that there are a whole lot of people out here who are married in title only. They are doing anything and everything but acting like they are married. They are focused on themselves and not each other. They were invested in the wedding day and couldn’t give a damn about the actual marriage. A great deal of folks just didn’t know what this marriage thing was all about in the first place–so they eagerly got married but were ill-equipped to handle the responsibilities that come with being married.

So, again marriage is wonderful—but healthy relationships are where it’s really at. Relationships where the two people involved are serious about doing the personal work to be the best they can for themselves and each other.

Far too often we see folks (women more often than men) who are desperate and I mean DESPERATE to have somebody they can call “husband” that they will ignore all the warning signs, pretend that requirements have been met that never were, excuse behaviors that are a No-No, and basically drop their expectations because they just want to be married.

Well,  the lesson of the day? DON’T DO THAT WOMEN!!! VALUE yourself. LOVE yourself. RESPECT yourself. SET STANDARDS for yourself. PROTECT yourself. BE HONEST with yourself. Marriage is serious business–for grown folks only and grown folks know how to make the difficult decision to walk away when necessary. Hats off to this sista who had the courage despite all of the pressure to just say NO.