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Video: Where do you find good men? To make it plain good men are everywhere. The question is……are you equipped to recognize one and are you ready to be with one? In this video….we speak to a viewer who says her Mom told her that in order to find a good man she needs to get her behind in church. Question..is church the place to go to find good men? Hmmmmm.
By H. Roberta Williams
Disclaimer: This note is for mature audiences only. I have to be 100% real about an issue I’m dealing with, and I’d love for you to pray with me (if you pray) and hold me accountable if you’re so moved throughout this leg of my journey.
I guess you all are thinking, “Wow…she’s really got a knack for stating the obvious.”
Halle = Hollywood. Harriet = Ain’t in front of anybody’s camera.
Halle = Stunningly beautiful. Harriet = Possessor of that can’t-quite-put-my-finger-on-it-but-her-looks-grow-on-me type of beauty. LOL
Halle = Short and thin. Harriet = Tall with thick athletic build.
Halle = “I’m never getting married again.” Harriet = “I’m in no rush, but I know part of God’s plan for me is to be a wife.”
And herein lies my dilemma. Halle said she’ll never marry again, but at least she’s getting some on a regular basis, yanno? I had the ooo wee on demand when I was married, but prior to that, I was celibate for five years, waiting on Prince Charming (but arguably married a frog).
And it just hit me hard this week, y’all: I’m hormonal. Lawd, sweet Jesus help Your child. You can take a guess about what I mean about that. Yeah…the first thought that came to your mind, that’s what I am. Hot and bothered. Yet I made a decision that I would once again practice abstinence until I decide to get married again.
So…me being like Halle Berry is kinda out of the question. I’m glad I don’t allow my hormones to govern my decisions, otherwise I would have hit up Vegas and got married over the weekend. But I’m cool with prayer, cold showers and averted eyes. I can handle it.
Yeah, right. I’m lying…God is going to have to keep me just like He kept me before my first marriage. Because I can tell this is a vulnerability that has the potential to derail my deliverance with one foul swoop…and I ain’t trying to have that.
My mom was telling me over breakfast how she thought I was the consummate “package.” Funny, smart, compassionate, talented, good cook, not to mention beautiful. Gool ol’ Mama…and trust me, she’s not the biased type that would just say something like that without meaning it.
I can add to the equation that I really, really, REALLY love the Lord. And I really, really, REALLY need Him to hide and keep me until His timing is right. When will that be? Only He knows. But I’m content and confident that He has the Master Plan that will be perfect once He unveils the transformed Harriet for both the world and heaven to see.
I really don’t know what that plan looks like at the moment. Does it mean I don’t date? I don’t know. Does it mean every time a man with something going for him asks me out (and it’s happened a few times in the past few weeks), I tell him respectfully that although I appreciate the offer, I’m not bringing to the table the wholeness needed to pursue anything of substance with him? That line seems to be my go to explanation…and it’s the truth!
Do I date and “play the field?” I don’t even know what that means! I’m a product of a bunch of monogamous relationships! Maybe I’ll go out just to enjoy some adult, masculine company. Blockbuster nights in the dark on a couch are out of the question, but dinner, a concert, a sporting event or something like that shouldn’t do any harm, should it? *shrug*
I’m sure God will tell me when I’m ready. In the meantime, I appreciate the fact that my hormones aren’t the governing factor in my decision making process. It won’t kill me if my appetite for aphrodesiac isn’t fulfilled.
What WILL hurt is making another lapse in judgement that will make it difficult for me to ever get married again (disease, getting pregnant, getting my heart broken and being bitter…the list goes on and on).
I ain’t Halle Berry. But I know that what I’ll be able to bring to the table in the future is a package that any man with sense would desire.
Here’s to the second time around!
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only one that has stuck so far is “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. Her transparent style chops away at the proverbial “elephants in the living room” that no one wants to talk about. She has made her own life an open door, so others will be willing to look at themselves and their humanity unashamedly and keep pressing forward in spite of the obstacles encountered. You can read more of her work on her site MY LIFE: THE AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL or you can contact her at harriethairston@yahoo.com.
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ARTICLE/WITH MUSIC AND VIDEO COMMENTARY. You can feel free to read the article without the music and commentary below.
By Ayize Ma’at
It’s very common to hear people complaining and expressing frustration over the space their relationship is in. Folks are always looking for the next available ear to unload their “dirt” in hopes that there will be some kind of kindred spirit connection around familiar chaotic circumstances. Unfortunately, while it’s VERY common to witness dating couples, newly weds, and established weds complaining, it is UNCOMMON to see people demonstrate initiative to make things better. I will acknowledge, as ignorant as it sounds, sometimes it’s comfortable living in chaos. There is a certain predictability, familiarity, and assuredness that accompanies staying in the space that you are in. However, I think that if we are REAL with ourselves, we are staying in the space that we are in, specifically as it pertains to our relationships….because WE’VE ACCEPTED A SPIRIT OF RESIGNATION. We’ve emotionally tapped out and quietly settled with the thought “it is what it is”.
No…no…no…no…NO! I emphatically shout that to men, women, and families that have chosen to take an apathetic approach to their relationships. HOW LONG WILL YOU LET YOUR RELATIONSHIP LINGER IN LIMBO? You go through your days accepting the next apparent move instead of being intentional and choosing the right move. Your relationship with yourself, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your fiance’, your spouse……DOES NOT HAVE TO STAY THE SAME. However, I promise you that YOU and the condition of your relationship will remain the same OR GET WORSE unless you do something different. I implore you to do something different…..stop lingering in limbo and live your love with intention. With a heartfelt nudge I urge you to CLICK HERE and GET LOVE RIGHT!
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VIDEO: So many of you have asked that we bring what we do online and the time has finally come!!!! Needless to say we are so excited about doing live interactive classes with singles and couples from all over the country at the click of a mouse. Technology is the bomb diggity (ok, corny I know…smile) and we are stretching ourselves, pulling all nighters, and getting it in like never before so we can create the kind of online class experience that will leave you so much stronger, better, and wiser then when you first step foot into our virtual classroom. We are ready for you! Are you ready to grow and learn? Class is in session!
***ONLINE REGISTRATION GOES LIVE TODAY AT 3:00PM***
FOR MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE CLASSES PLEASE CLICK HERE!
by OlderButWiser Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person; however, a relationship with the wrong individual can lead to years of heartache, emotional damage and even physical damage. If you’re wondering if your girlfriend is really the one you should be with, here are 10 signs that will definitely help you decipher if you’re possibly dating the wrong woman.
If you’re in a situation where your woman just sits there and does nothing when you attempt to touch her and caress her or you’re always the one who initiates the hand holding or hugs first, something is definitely wrong. Dating is all about give and take and relationships are a constant compromise, BUT you shouldn’t always have to be the one to initiate everything and generally, being able to show affection should come naturally and not be a forced thing for a person.
You try to arrange vacation plans, but are met with a hesitant response. She is not willing to do anything that would require lasting commitment. She stops planning to go to events together a few weeks in advance… the list is endless. These are all signs that she doesn’t plan on being with you in the future.
She repeatedly puts you down, constantly corrects your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard”, unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong.
She tells you that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. Women who behave like this often become extremely hostile toward criticism and often react with anger or even rage when their behavior is questioned.
She displays behaviors such as constant temper tantrums, snooping and emotional blackmail. Women like this carry a tremendous amount of emotional baggage and will do things that are completely crazy, lacking rational thought and take actions with no thought about consequences.
Some women tend to use sex as a way to coerce their men into getting their way. If they want something to happen then they know that this would be the perfect opportunity to get their man to do it. They figure that if the guy wants it bad enough then he will do exactly what it is they want, and if he doesn’t, they threaten or punish him by depriving him of his sexual needs. Women who display this behavior only give men an excuse to look for alternative sources.
She’s dishonest with you and you’re constantly catching her telling you lies and withholding information from you to keep you at a disadvantage.
When it’s time to spend quality time with your family, she suddenly becomes sick, stuck in traffic or experiences something major at work. She resents your family for taking up your time and even forbids you from associating with them at all.
She secretly checks your email, internet history and your cell phone. She feels threatened when you discuss your previous relationships, hates the idea of meeting your female friends and constantly attempts to trap you with questions like, “Do you think I’m pretty?” and gets upset no matter what you answer.
She tells you when you can go out, when you can invite the guys over to watch the game and will even call you 10-15 times per day to keep track on what you’re doing, who you’re with and where you’re going next with each call and you allow these controlling behaviors to “keep the peace” in the relationship.
Olderbutwiser is the author of Dating For Today’s Man — The Online Dating and Relationship Guide For Men. Visit him at Dating For Today’s Man. You can also join him on his new Facebook page where he can keep you up to date on his most recent articles. http://www.facebook.com/DFTM09
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VIDEO: Please help us out and share this with any and everybody you know! This is our premier project for 2011 and we are so excited about all the wonderful people we’re going to meet and relationships that are going to be elevated. This is Real talk about real relationships going to the next level. There are positive examples of black love in the African American community and blackloveandmarriage.com is diligently working to bring healing and wholeness to love. Relationships require negotiation, compromise and flat out work. The online relationship classes we have starting in April will definitely show you how to find love and strengthen the love that you have. Registration begins March 9th. Classes begin April 18th.
For general information on the classes CLICK HERE.
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VIDEO: The other day my wife,Aiyana, and I spoke at a Young Professionals event about Black Love and the Art of Communication. There was standing room only and the crowd was FLYYYY. 😉 After we spoke a gentleman came up to me and said he honestly didn’t see the value in marriage and he felt like you could have the same thing in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that you can have in a married relationship. So I shared a few thoughts with him. Check out this video and get a better understanding of why being married IS different from being boyfriend/girlfriend.
by Harriet Hairston I’m a “what you see is what you get” type of person. My yes is my yes, and my no is my no. The gray matter in between gets the yellow light until I can sort it all out. Women admire the boldness God gave me to put into words what they feel. Men admire the fact that I haven’t given up on them, and I don’t put all men in the same category.
But now I’m more transparent than ever, and that makes me dangerous. Heartbreak and pain can take a person and flip them inside out, where all veins, muscles and nerves are exposed. No skin, just blood and bones. So what you see now ain’t what you want. TRUST ME.
I say this because I find myself (almost) single again. There is a vacuum and void that exists in me that must be filled with the right things, otherwise I’ll never be whole again. I’ve said before that bitterness has attempted to fill that void. Fortunately, it hasn’t, because I’ve fought that battle successfully. However, once I win one battle, like the 300 Spartan warriors at Thermopylae, another threat attempts to barrel towards me, wanting me to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Why?
Because I want to experience love the way my parents did. I want so badly to feel safe and secure in the arms of someone who loves and respects me for who I am. For me, a man is kinda the prerequisite for a desire like that…a black knight in shining armor who will sweep me off my feet and carry me to “happily ever after.”
There are plenty of good brothers out there who are putting in their resumes, too. Their objective: “Seeking a position as Harriet’s hero. Motivated expert in loving pain away.” Is that so wrong?
Heck, yeah, it is! It’s the right desire that hit me at the wrong time, y’all! And I’m audacious enough to put it out there because I see so many of my sisters making the same mistake my desires are trying to get me to make. Let’s break it down to the lowest common denominator, shall we?
If I jump right into another relationship:
It’s quite possible that I’ll settle for someone just because they are NOT the person I just left. That’s no guarantee that they will be better than him. In fact, they could have characteristics worse than him! Or…
A man will find himself as an innocent bystander getting hit by the blows that open, unhealed wounds cause. Who needs that?
Instead of moving forward, I will find myself moving laterally, putting my life at a standstill that I can’t afford. I gotta get my life back together so I can continue to be a good parent to my son. I don’t need distractions right now.
I think it’s so important for a young lady to allow God to regulate her feelings after experiencing heart break. That takes support, God’s wisdom, and in some cases counseling. Most importantly, it takes TIME.
Men become “Public Enemy #1” to many women because we impulsively jump from one relationship to another far too quickly. Same script, different cast. If a woman did an honest self evaluation, she would find that a great deal of her heartache was self inflicted because of unwise choices and illusions she erected in her mind instead of looking at reality.
The future me is having an out of body experience right now, and she is SCREAMING at the “inside out” me the following advice:
Get yourself together, girl! You know you’re not totally healed, and if you’re so allergic to drama like you say, why step into another relationship that will put you in anaphylactic shock? Get somewhere and sit down!
It’s great to want love and respect, but you have to use wisdom. The right desire acted out in bad timing is still WRONG.
If you just HAVE to hear a man’s voice, call your brother (or whoever a male friend you can trust is). He has no agenda, and you know he wants what is best for you.
The anthem of my heart is, “Slow down, baby, you’re going to fast. You’ve got your hands in the air with your feet on the gas. You’re about to wreck your future running from your past. You need to slow down, baby.” (India Arie)
I want a hero right now, but I don’t need one. What I REALLY need is healing.
The only hands that are expert enough to reach within and fix all the brokenness are clean and sterilized. God’s hands–the same ones that grabbed stars from their storage bin and tossed them up in the sky–are touching nerves and sewing things back together.
I’m content to be still, know He knows what He is doing, and give myself time to heal after the surgery is over.
You all are the visitors that come with the flowers, balloons and “get well soon” cards that are characteristic of the prayers you have graciously blessed my life with. I so appreciate you for seeing the ugliest side of me and loving me still.
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only one that has stuck so far is “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. Her transparent style chops away at the proverbial “elephants in the living room” that no one wants to talk about. She has made her own life an open door, so others will be willing to look at themselves and their humanity unashamedly and keep pressing forward in spite of the obstacles encountered. You can contact her at harriethairston@yahoo.com, and you can read more of her previous work at blackandmarriedwithkids.com.
VIDEO: We’ve received alot of questions from women asking whether or not they should move forward in a relationship with a man who lives at home or who is not completely….self sufficient. So, we decided to release this episode again to offer some clarity to folks who are fuzzy on the “dude who lives at home” dilemma.
You don’t have to listen long or hard these days to hear whispers and occasional shouts about the overwhelming number of black women who are single. This social phenomenon is unfortunate because Black women are beautiful, exude brilliance, and definitely deserve the best. So, if they deserve the best….what does the best look like? A viewer wrote in and asked us if it’s okay to date a man that lives at home with his parents due to these economic hard times. Listen in to hear what we think and let us know what you think.
by Ayize Ma’at When entering the dating arena some of the feelings that frequently confront people are fear, anxiety, and excitement. We fear the unknown and in some instances are absolutely terrified of the idea of letting someone into our world. We are anxious about our presentation to the world and thus gripped by anxiety over the possibility that someone’s perception of us may not line up with what we project. We are excited about the newness of a “fresh start” and the opportunity to create the relationship we’ve always desired. With all of these feeling present it’s important that we take a balanced approach to dating. Below I will give you three tips on how to keep the scale even.
1. Be APPETIZING and APPROACHABLE
Sounds simple right. We get so many questions from people that have neglected their appearance and personal hygiene wondering “Why ain’t nobody interested in me?” Are you serious. Take time to invest in your appearance. If you don’t look good TO and FOR you…..there’s a good chance you won’t look good TO and FOR somebody else. ONCE you get yourself “so fresh and so clean” please put yourself in places and situations where you have the opportunity to be approached. Don’t be “the recluse” questioning why you can’t get a date. Get off the couch and get out the house. BE APPROACHABLE. Make eye contact. Dance by yourself. Allow someone to buy you a drink. If you want to be approached….BE APPROACHABLE.
2. Be INTERESTED and INTERESTING
This is essential when you are entering into a relationship with someone because it sets the tone for your relationship dynamic. Notice we put “BE INTERESTED” first. This was intentionally done because generally speaking other people want to feel valued in a relationship. Therefore if you express interest in their hobbies, work, dreams, etc. you are lifting them up and indirectly saying “you are important to me”. Who doesn’t want to feel important? After you express interest in …….BE INTERESTING. One of the worst things in the world is to feel like you HAVE to talk because the person you’re dating has NOTHING to talk about. So BE INTERESTING. Share your hobbies, opinions, and dreams. If done carefully and respectfully this will definitely get the conversation going and keep it flowing.
3. Be CONFIDENT and COMPOSED
It’s exciting to be in a relationship with someone that knows “who they are”. Someone that is comfortable in their own skin and that exudes self assuredness is often seen as sexy and has a unique command for attention. You want to be that person. BE CONFIDENT. Know who you are and your inherent value to the world. While being confident…please BE COMPOSED. When you lose your composure and allow confidence to become cockiness you can definitely lose “cool points”. Cockiness has a way of coming off as narcissism and can definitely END a budding relationship. Remember… people want to date people that are self assured…not self absorbed. So BE CONFIDENT and COMPOSED.
These three tips will put you on the right path to creating opportunities for new relationships. We always say if you want something different in your life you’ve got to do something different in your life. So while dating please remain balanced by being APPETIZING and APPROACHABLE, be INTERESTED and INTRIGUING, and last but not least be CONFIDENT and COMPOSED. By taking this approach you will feel better about YOU and the possibility of finding new love.
