4 Tips For Single Parents To Find Love On Halloween

/in /by

By Rachel Greenwald/The Huffington Post

As Halloween approaches every year, I love to share my favorite “How I Met My Husband” story from one of my formerly single clients. As a professional Dating Coach, I collect how-I-met stories like baseball cards, and this is one of my favorites — not just because of the unusual venue (a dark neighborhood sidewalk), but because it proves that love can spark when you least expect it: trick or treating with your kids. Halloween isn’t just for kids anymore. It’s an ideal holiday for single parents to meet a potential mate. This is the story in a nutshell: my former client (a single mom by night and lawyer by day) turned pumpkins into romance when she met her future husband on Halloween night while trick or treating with her twin daughters 50 feet from her doorstep. She was dressed as Marilyn Monroe; he was Clark Kent. It happened to her, and here’s how it can happen for you.

On October 31st (and the weekend prior), you can be with your kids and improve your love life — call it “multi-tasking.” Halloween is the night that brings out the kid in all of us, and when you’re a single parent, you can take that literally (bring your kid outside!) as well as figuratively (have some fun!).

The problem is that most single parents don’t view Halloween as a dating opportunity. They are focused on their kids: what costume will little Suzy wear? Should I buy twizzlers or tootsie rolls for little Billy’s class treat bags? Instead, I want you to see Halloween through new lenses.

Consider these 4 ideas:

1. Seek out halloween festivities: The weekend before Halloween is a festive time everywhere: in schools, offices, museums, social groups. Actively attend several Halloween celebrations, whether you accept an invitation to a party, venture out to a “Haunted House” at your local Children’s Museum, explore the local pumpkin patch, or volunteer to help with your child’s classroom Halloween parade. These are all opportunities where you should have your “social antennae” up, even though you’re with your kids. Striking up a conversation with other single parents in these child-focused environments is easy because simply talking about your kids is a great way to connect. Getting out and circulating during Halloween weekend is key because people are in an upbeat mood — both singles who are venturing out, and married couples who could play matchmaker for you.

2. Create your own event: If your mailbox isn’t brimming with invitations to fun Halloween events this season, create your own. Perhaps you could host an afternoon pumpkin carving contest in your kitchen for parents and kids of all ages (If your kids are too young to use a knife, host a Halloween Cookie Decorating Contest instead). Naturally you’ll invite any opposite gender single-parents you know, as well as same-gender single parents and married parents. The idea is twofold: to gather lots of people so that you are “top of mind” for anyone who might fix you up on a blind date, and to get better acquainted with other single parents who can become new social buddies.

3. Organize group trick or treating: It can seem lonely to trick or treat with just you and your children. It’s more fun in groups, and as a single parent, that’s the perfect excuse to call up another single parent (or several) and ask, “Would you and your children like to trick or treat in our neighborhood with us Monday night?” Take this opportunity to call that cute single dad you saw at your child’s school last month: trick or treating is your built-in excuse to forge a connection without the awkwardness of asking him out to dinner.

Click here to read full the story.

Add More Love To Your Relationship With Romantic Weekend Getaways

/in , /by

By George Wood

Weekends are always met with great enthusiasm by many couples just to get away from their usual boring routine and explore something new. But sometimes you cant seem to have any idea of what to do on a weekend. You keep on thinking and then decide for something you already have done so many times. Doing something adventurous together helps to bring back the spark of passion and lets you rediscover romance in your relationship. Use your imagination to plan out a weekend both of you will remember for many days to come. Here are some ideas to charge your romantic weekends together.

You can plan an outdoor trip to the woods or go for hiking. Discovering your sporty juices with your partner will be very thrilling and romantic. On such occasions planning a double date is even more fun. You can ask your friends to join you and spend some time away from the noise of the city and explore the unlimited stretch of nature together. At the end of the evening you can gather at a place for having dinner and to relax after a tiring trip.

Planning for some adventurous activity is also a great way to spend weekends. You can go for skydiving, skiing, horse riding, or snorkeling with your partner. Going to a place where dangerous rides are offered for adults is also a fun way to enjoy together on weekends. You can plan an evening to watch a horror movie and afterwards having coffee at your place. Spending some time alone at some quiet and cozy place also helps to relax the muscles and release the tension of the whole week.

Many couples wait for the weekend to finish some household errands. You can go for shopping for that matter, or simply stay at home and do some indoor chores. Painting the house, renovating your bedroom, living room or kitchen or spending a day in the garden tending to flowers are some of the ways weekends could be spent. Another idea is to go for swimming and some place to have body massage together. Reading out your favorite books to each other, or watching old movies together at night while having your favorite meals by your side, are also good ideas.

There can be many romantic dating ideas to spend the weekends with your partner. Just make sure you do not miss out on any opportunity of having fun, to rediscover the passion in your life and to share each and every moment of it with your partner.

George Wood is a successful webmaster of many popular sites including http://www.DatingShare.com and Visit George at http://www.RelationshipSafe.com advice site.

J. Cole’s ‘Lost Ones’ Video About Abortion Being Praised For Its Truthfulness

/in , /by

By Nicole Menzie/Christian Post Reporter

The Internet was abuzz Wednesday morning after rapper J. Cole announced the world premiere of the new video for his hit song “Lost Ones,” which tells the story of a young, unmarried couple dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.

The video, which debuted around midnight, was filmed in 2008 on the budget of $1, according to Cole. So far, “Lost Ones” has proven a hit with fans online, who praise the rapper for a no-frills, real-life approach to an issue many young people find themselves dealing with in life.

“Lost Ones” is said to be one of Cole’s favorites songs from his debut album, Cole World: The Sideline Story, which was released in September. Cole, 24, is from North Carolina and was reportedly the first artist signed to Jay-Z’s Roc Nation Label.

(Click below to be taken to the official video.)

In the song, which features language some might find offensive, a young man, played by J. Cole, shares his feelings with a young woman about being unequipped to care for a baby, and that perhaps she should consider an abortion.

The second verse features the young woman’s response, in which she criticizes the young man for sweet-talking her into sex, vows to keep the child and take care of it, with or without the young man’s help. The young woman also reveals that the guy is the victim of an absent father himself and had promised that he would never abandon his own children.

The final verse features Cole rapping about the common perspectives guys who hear that they are suddenly going to be a father might have. On one hand, Cole raps, some women are known for using pregnancies to “trap” men, so perhaps a guy should be suspicious. In the end, though, Cole asks men to think about one thing: the “seed” inside the woman’s womb.

Click here for the full story

Reader Letter: I Have A Good Guy…But Is It Possible That He’s Just Not The Good Guy For Me?

/in /by

By Team BLAM

BLAM Family: Please take the time to give your honest thoughts to this young lady. All Reader Letters are real letters from real people dealing with real issues.

First I want to say I love you all! Your marriage gives me so much encouragement as young black woman to find true love with someone who I am equally yoked with. Second, I want to apologize for the scatterbrained letter you are about to read. There is more than one issue I am having so please bare with me. I have been watching your videos and trying to peace them all together to help me but I finally just said its time to write them. Ok here goes.  I am 22 years old and live in Houston, TX… I broke off my engagement to my boyfriend of 5 years who is 24 years old. We started dating in high school I was 17 he was 18. I have no idea what I am doing or what I want right now. He went to college and then I went off to a different college, we had a few bumps in the road but stayed together. We both came back to Houston in 2008 where I had my own apartment and he lived at home. Then 2009 I moved back home and he got his own apt. Shortly after I basically moved in with him, but never really “lived there”. In 2010 I really moved in staying there and moving all my stuff over. We broke up a few times for short periods of time (taking space, etc. No major fights led to breakups). In November of 2010 there was a major fight that we had that ended in me leaving and returning to my mom’s house. We could not come to any understanding over the issue and I walked away, thinking I was really finished that time. I think I ran because I knew things were really serious and marriage was possibly around the corner. Well we were broken up for about two months and then we ended up talking in January and got back together. Then I found out he was going to propose in December of 2010. We stayed together worked on our relationship and things got better. September 2011, I left again. Here is where my confusion comes in. I love him, but I do not know if he is the one or if there is a such thing. I feel like he is a great guy who respects, loves and provides for me but I don’t feel we have the emotional connection that I expected to have when I got married. He does not like to argue as I don’t either but likes to push things under the rug for the sake of confrontation. I am a very head strong woman who is probably a “recovering aggressaholic” and he is very calm, laid back guy. We both analyze everything we do so much and with the discussion of marriage it has been pushed to the side. I feel like since he has lost me before he proposed last time he doesn’t want to discuss it and just wants me to marry him so he doesn’t lose me again, but that scares me because we don’t argue or fight. I feel like we are walking on egg shells. When we got back together in January we came to the conclusion that I ran from the relationship which is probably true. He told me if I had doubts or got scared we could talk everyday and do whatever it takes to make things work. Well two weeks ago I started having major doubts I tried to suppress it and just thought I was being my emotional self but it wouldn’t go away. He wanted to talk and I told him I was getting scared and he got mad and tried to leave (said he couldn’t talk because he was pissed). Well that scared me even more because I felt like we couldn’t even talk about what I was feeling but he wants to get married, that’s not right to me. I think sometimes I just want him to comfort me and make me feel like its ok to be happy. I think sometimes we as black women have experienced so much negative when something is going good it’s like we throw a wrench in it just to see if it’s real. I don’t know another scattered thought of mine. But I’m not really sure if things were even fine. I mean we went 9 months without an argument but I had feelings about some things that happened but did not think it was worth the argument. So we talked and he got mad and just rushed me to answer did I want to marry him or not, I told him I don’t know. He was really mad and flipped out. I stayed that night and we talked about it again the next night and he was really cold and dry. Seems like he decided for me what we were doing. So I left that night and have been home since. I returned his ring and we are in the process of separating out things…

Now I have no idea what is wrong with me. I feel he is a good guy but is it possible that he is just not the good guy for me. If that’s the case will I be alone since the black men are scarce. Sometimes I feel if I stay with him that I am settling, because he does not have certain qualities that I want in a guy. I like to refer to him as neutral and laid back, not really passionate about children which I am, and love with his head not with his heart. He is not affectionate but is always there for me. I know most men love differently that women but I don’t know if the way he loves is enough for me. Since we have been living together I have had the burden off the work to do which is not that big of a problem, I just wonder what it would be like if we added kids to the picture. My mom has mentioned that maybe I see what marriage would be like with him and I don’t like it, or I am just not ready to settle down. I feel like maybe I haven’t experienced enough life to truly appreciate the man that he is, and I fear when I am ready he will be gone. Not sure if I would find someone as dedicated and loyal as he is. But I also feel what I bring to the relationship is not reciprocated not sure if it ever will be.

Next issue that I feel has a major affect on my thought process. In a sense I have emotionally cheated throughout our relationship. I have a friend who I have known since middle school and we have always been close friends. We are more alike as far as personality being outgoing, he is country, and truly reminds me of my dad (who I don’t have the best relationship with). I have never physically cheated on him but emotionally is just as bad I think… We never really see each other often just always call to check on him here and there. I always wondered how things would be if I were with someone like him. I know the grass always seems greener on the other side but I know things would probably not work he is way too unstable and flighty. But he has that old southern country man aspect of him which is what I always wanted in my husband. And sometimes I feel that I hold on to him because he reminds me so much of my dad and that is filling the whole for him. I really don’t know what to say about him just they are very different and wonder if there is someone out there that God has for me that will not be perfect of course but that will have those characteristics.

Last issue I am having. What is marriage? My mom tells me love is a choice. You choose who you decide to love and you choose to commit to them? Is it that simple? I refuse to believe it is that simple. I always had this idea of my husband and I having this wonderful connection mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most women that I know have told me that you don’t marry the person you love?!?! Also that marriage sucks, men are sorry and just to be single and young focus on my life and it will come later. Also that I shouldn’t get married until I’m 30. I am a relationship person “serial monogamist” so to speak. But I love love and feel that my purpose in life is to be a wife and mother. That’s what I used to think but not sure what I think anymore. I am also terrified of divorce. My parents were married for 15 years then divorced after my dad cheated several times and became very mean. Well after my mom divorced him he became very abusive to me verbally and physically. I was 10 when it started and carried on until about 15. I have forgiven him (I think) and let that part of my life go now he is around for my younger brother but thinks I should chase after him. He pops up when he wants and goes away in the snap of a finger. I feel like he has ruined me and I will never be able to accept love from anyway because I feel I am not good enough. I know I am an amazing, smart, intelligent woman and would be a great mother and wife. But I find myself testing my ex and pushing him to see just how much he will put up with. As if I don’t believe that he is still there or wants to love me because my own dad couldn’t and won’t, so why would anyone else. I am trying to understand how to get past these thoughts but I know I have commitment issues and fear a failed marriage. Also I want to add that all of the times we broke up I would hang out with past boyfriends, not sure why but I would always have a guy around. I have never had sex with anyone other than him since we have been together. Please help any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

Stop Acting Deaf, Dumb, Blind, And Stupid….YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT

/in , , /by
By Ilex Bien-Aime
When it comes to dating human beings are either blind, deaf, dumb, stupid, or are insane. Something has got to be seriously wrong with us because it seems as if we make the same foolish decisions time and time again. Maybe we are just gluttons for punishment, clearly broken hearts just don’t quite hurt enough.

The average human being is born with two functioning eyes. This gives us the ability to see and react to things that are going on around us. What I am starting to realize is that, though most of us have physical sight, we remain mentally blind. Let’s be honest, we have seen enough in our lifetimes not to make certain decisions as they relate to dating and yet we still make them. I read an article in Essence Magazine not to long ago about a woman who had gone out on a date with a guy who did absolutely everything to sabotage the date and what did she do, she slept with him. Long story short, she left the guys house in tears because he was a jerk.

It’s one thing to be a teenager and even a young adult who makes stupid decisions. We all think that being used and abused could never happen to us, but come on people, I know folks well over thirty years old who are still doing the same stupid crap. It’s a little hard for people to feel sorry for you when you willing walk into a land mine field. One definition of being blind is to disregard evidence and sound logic. Another definition is that someone is not controlled by intelligence and reason. It’s understandable not to see a bad situation before hand, but to see a bad situation and run to it, is just foolish.

Most of us are not only blind but we are also deaf. It’s not that we are unable to hear, we hear just find. The problem is that we sometimes choose not to listen. I have friends who corner me just about every time I see them. They are always asking me about what some guy they are dating is thinking. Now grant it, I don’t know what’s in every guys mind but for the most part if a woman tells me something that a guy has said or done, I already know what he is thinking and/or is going to do. I know many people ask questions that they already know the answer to yet it is human to hope for a more positive answer than anticipated.

Sometimes you have to be willing to listen when your friends and family tell you something about the person you are dating. I know that we have this tendency to tell ourselves that our loved ones just don’t know the person and are on the outside looking in but let’s be honest. We often make excuses for our mates even when we know that our loved ones are telling us the truth about them. Many times people tell you exactly who they are and we choose not to listen to them and amazingly we are surprised when  we get hurt.

When we aren’t playing blind or deaf, we decide to play dumb. The real definition of dumb is someone who is not able to speak but we speak just fine. The real issue with us is that we are afraid to tell people what we want, need, and/or deserve. We are scared of what they are going to say or how they are going to react. So we sit in silence as we are mistreated and go unloved. People sometimes have this tendency to blame their mates for their not being happy and yet say nothing to them about it.

Even those closes to us have a tendency to play dumb. They know how we get when they try to tell us about our love interest. Someone could be beating you, cheating on you, or using you but let somebody tell you that they are and you will go months if not years without speaking to the messenger. People choose to clam up when you speak about your mate because they know that if they give an opinion, they will get all of your displaced wrath.

Let’s face it, when it comes to love, most people look stupid. Being stupid is showing a lack of normal intelligence or understanding but we understand just fine. We just choose to continue walking down dark paths. Some of us call this insanity but insanity by definition is mental illness or derangement. I can’t imagine that the world has so many insane people.

Look, you are not blind, deaf, dumb, stupid, or insane. Life is filled with choices and you have to choose to do what is best for you. When you see that something is not right, act upon it. Be willing to listen when people try to give sound advice because they love you and want you to be happy. Speak up when you are not being treated the way you feel you need to be treated. Lastly, stop acting stupid and/or insane because you aren’t. Show some love for yourself and people can’t help but love you and if they won’t love you, they will have no choice but to respect you.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.  Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com

Dating & Unrealistic Expectations-Are You Blocking Your Blessings?

/in /by

By Ilex Bien-Aime

Everyone has preferences when it comes to dating. Though men may be considered the more visual of the sexes, we all want to be with people we deem to be attractive. There’s nothing wrong with having your likes and wants – we deal with them every day. What I like, you may not like. What I think is beautiful you may think is nothing special.

I believe that it is perfectly okay to actually know what you want and seek it. The problem usually occurs when you close off great opportunities based on foolish criteria. Most people want physically attractive mates. Flat abs are sexy, nice lips are sexy, beautiful legs, and nice hips are sexy. If possible we would always have our ideal looking mate but we should not rule out people because they do not fully meet this imaginary standard that we have.

Beyond just looks, we have this ridged set of standards and before we give people a chance, we are quickly shutting them out. Sure, no one wants to date someone with bad credit – but maybe the person has a plan to fix that or is already in the process of fixing it. Maybe the person does not have a salary or career that you think is acceptable, but with help and encouragement will have the ability to take things to the next level. Sure, in a perfect world we would meet someone to fulfill our every desire – but this world ain’t it.

I have female friends who refuse to date men who are shorter than six feet tall. There is nothing wrong with wanting a taller man but when you purposely shut out men under a certain height, you lessen the chances of finding the right man for you. Seriously I have heard of women not talking to men because they had on a pair of shoes that they didn’t like or an article of clothing that they didn’t like. I have male friends who refuse to date dark skinned women and some of them refuse to date black women in general (and they are black themselves). With this stupidity going on, millions of beautiful women and men are cast to the side for a foolish preference that in the end means nothing.

No one person is perfect and no one person will fulfill all of your needs. Not being open to the possibilities will (and has already) stunted most of our progress. Imagine how we feel when someone refuses to give us a chance based on the fact that we didn’t meet a certain list of categories. Think about it – no matter how gorgeous or handsome you think you are, someone out there does not find you attractive or at least not attractive enough to date. In the grand scheme of things, we put too much stock in things that really aren’t as important as we think they are.

Beauty is nice but it is also fleeting. People go off to war and get their faces blown off. Nice legs are wonderful but people get in accidents daily and lose limbs. People with A-1 credit scores often make bad investments and lose their jobs. I am not saying that we shouldn’t seek the best for ourselves but what I am saying is that life is not perfect and neither are you. I am not saying lower your standards or disregard them but just know that things are not always as they seem. Sometimes we emphasize the wrong things and end up with the wrong people because of our own foolish selection guides.

BLAM Fam: What do you think? Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to choosing someone to date?

Ilex Bien-Aime lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he write because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com.

The Last Single Woman I Know…

/in /by

By Tracy R. Jolly

…is me. Ok, I probably know at least one other single woman, but that’s only if I think hard enough. Being single is not the problem; I enjoy it. I relish in my independence and freedom (not that married women don’t) and not having to answer to anyone. But I also want to be able to share my life with the man prepared especially for me.

My problem is impatience. I can argue that I’ve been patient; I’m closer to forty than I want to admit and I’ve never accepted a proposal just to get a ring. I’m not desperate to be married, but I’d really like to do it before I enter that new decade. Each time someone I know gets engaged or celebrates another wedding anniversary, after the obligatory congratulations, the first thing I do is question myself. When will it be my turn?

Focusing on humor and work keeps the loneliness away (mostly). I’ve created enough goals and accumulated enough projects to keep me busy for a long time. I have to work a little harder at finding the humor when I’m in that unfunny lonely place, but it brings me back to work which becomes a full circle, productive moment. And even if I am the last single woman I know and love, the point is, I know and love her. So will my husband.

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” ~Sex and the City

“Being single isn’t bad. What is bad is giving up hope on finding that someone special.” ~Anonymous

Tracy R. Jolly is a freelance writer, author, blogger, sometimes poet and budding entrepreneur. She blogs at www.losingmymindfindingmyvoice.blogspot.com and can be reached via email at mindandvoice@gmail.com.

Are You Addicted To Love? 5 Tips To Break Free From Toxic Relationship Patterns

/in , /by

Jim Hall, M.A

Owning up

To start, it is necessary to understand and acknowledge that there are common patterns in love-addicted relationships. Why?  Because you cannot change what you won’t acknowledge. So, let’s get started.

Some patterns of love addiction:

  • falling in love too quickly in relationships
  • ignoring unhealthy behaviors of one’s partner
  • trying to control our partner’s behavior so that we feel comfortable
  • allowing our partner’s mood to bring us down
  • having unrealistic expectations that a romantic relationship will fill ‘all’ your needs and wants
  • and trying to ‘fix’ whatever problem arises in our partner’s life instead of allowing them to fix it themselves.

When we succumb to these inappropriate and harmful behaviors and choices, we lose the connection to ourselves by handing our power over to another. In a love-addicted situation, these toxic behavioral patterns become the foundation of a relationship and develop into comfortable, yet unhealthy patterns.

Emotional Maturity

Our emotional maturity dictates our ability to manage and monitor our emotions and to determine the emotional state of others. A high degree of emotional maturity allows us to think before we act, take responsibility for our lives and actions, and respect the independence of others. When emotional maturity is present communication barriers in relationships and unhealthy behavioral patterns can be defeated.

Healthy Boundary-Setting

Healthy boundaries allow us to protect and take care of ourselves. We must recognize when we are being disrespected, then communicate clearly that our boundaries are being infringed upon. We have a right to protect and defend ourselves, and are obligated to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. With healthy boundaries, we will not allow another’s dysfunctions and insecurities to rule our actions and behaviors. We can learn to recognize where and how we can help in ways that will empower ourselves and those around us.

Self-Identity

When we are self-aware, we have the ability to change in positive ways. We can see which things we need to work on, in ourselves and in our relationships. Through this self-identity, we learn how to be interdependent or mutually dependent. There is a balance to the relationship, where each person depends on each other in fair and healthy ways. With interdependence, we consciously become aware and our self-worth is no longer dependent on outside influence and validation.

Willingness to Change

Changing our relationship with ourselves is essential to accomplishing any permanent changes in our relationships with others. Obtaining healthy interdependence allows us to see the truth in ourselves, others, and situations. Most love addicts come from a childhood with similar family dynamics. We need to work on ourselves — healing childhood trauma, past abandonment, and adjusting our ‘carried childhood coping mechanisms,’ so that we don’t continue with the patterns in relationships that are comfortable but destructive.

As we become honest with ourselves and develop healthy self-esteem, we become interdependent, without misguided beliefs that others choices and behaviors determine our self-worth. We can then seek to understand others in our lives, based on this solid internal and spiritual foundation. Through this state of being, healthy relationships are formed — where two whole individuals support each other and share their life together in a way that allows each to truly, and independently, shine.

Jim Hall, M.A., is a  highly dedicated Love Addiction Specialist and founder of www.loveaddictionhelp.com, a cutting-edge site for the love-addicted who want to break free from unhealthy-toxic relationship cycels. Jim combines his skills, professional insight, and profound personal transformational  experience, to provide a unique advantage to love addicts who want to recover and achieve enhanced changes and resolve in their own lives.

Ladies, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF…

/in , , /by

By Aiyana Ma’at

Far too often it is believed that women, generally speaking, are ready to be married, understand what marriage is all about, and have some sort of special insight when it comes to love, relationships, and…..marriage. Well, I’m here today to clear up that erroneous notion. In the work that I do with my husband coaching & counseling and teaching relationship education classes, I see just as many women who have absolutely no idea what marriage is all about—-none. So, after my husband wrote his piece titled Gentleman, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF… , we received a flood of emails saying “Ok, so what’s up with the ladies?!” Good question.

So, here’s your answer…Ladies, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF…

1. …you have a thousand and one things to say, think about, and contemplate when talking about your wedding and are pretty much deaf, dumb, & mute when it comes to talking about your marriage.

I remember asking a sister friend when she and her hubby to be were going to be starting their pre-marital counseling. This dummy (…yup Dummy, and I’m saying it in love…lol.) who truly knew better is gon’ say: “Girrrl, planning for the wedding is taking up all my free time! It’s crazy. We decided we’ll get around to it after the wedding and all the hoop-la dies down.” Seriously? Get your priorities in check girlfriend. Some things should just naturally take precedence and pre-marital counseling is a  non-negotiable necessity. Planning a wedding is exciting and all consuming—I get it. But, if all you can find time for is the color of the table linen and whether you should have salmon or trout I hate to break it to you but YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

2. …you’re consciously or subconsciously looking for a “father figure” to fill up the hole left in your heart by the Daddy who was absent from your life emotionally or physically as a young child.

When you have unfinished business in your heart and mind that hasn’t been attended to, it has a way of coloring every thing, place, and person you come into contact with. There are a lot of women dating truly good men and yet they don’t know it. They complain, criticize, and penalize men for any and everything they do that doesn’t meet their exact expectations. Why? Because, they are mad as hell. Mad at who though? You guessed it—-their Daddy who didn’t do his job. So, it doesn’t really matter what a man does—it will never be enough and for that my dear YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED

3. …you the boss, you running things, and “you ain’t having it!” (whatever “it” is”)

Look, I will keep it real with ya’ll. I am a leader. I can be bossy. I am quick to have an opinion and can truly be a self-centered pain in the a*! I’m a Leo. #NuffSaid 😉 But, after having been in relationship with the same man for almost 17 years what I have learned & know for absolute sure is this: There is only room for 1 man up in here. Seriously, so many times, we women (especially us “modern, I got my own, I’m doing me” sistas) sabotage our men’s ability to be men. Men, especially black men, want and need to be and feel respected, respected, and oh, did I say respected? If the thought of compromising, deferring, and taking someone else’s perspective into consideration makes you feel ill YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

4. …you think sex is a desire and not a need, an option and not a requirement in marriage.

Yes, sex is a requirement of marriage. If you have issues around sex—fine. If you just simply have a low libido—-fine. If you are  really particular about how and when it happens—fine. My question to you is this: Are you willing to press through your limitations and inhibitions so that you can meet the needs of someone  other than yourself? If there is *dead silence*  and a *blank stare” right now YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

5. …you don’t know what your needs and expectations are let alone how to communicate them to someone else.

When I counsel women who are struggling in their marriages I start by asking two questions: #1 What’s wrong, in other words, what’s not working? And, of course, I get a laundry list of all of the things that are failing in their relationship, all the things their husband is doing and not doing to make their marriage a mess. I literally have to cut them off….like, ok, I get the point. But, then I ask the second question: What do you need from hubby, yourself, the world, etc. to make it work? Nine times out of 10—and I’m not exaggerating—there is silence followed by a whisper…”I don’t know”. Before you commit your life to another make it your business to know what your needs and expectations are! For those who can be honest & say I really don’t know at this point in my life YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

6. …you know deep down inside that the relationship you’re in is not fulfilling, compatible, or fun but you’re getting older and you’re afraid you won’t find anyone better.

Where’s your faith? Do you know that what is for you really is for you? There’s nothing worse than waking up one morning after 1,3, 5, 10, or 20 years of marriage and looking over at your spouse and saying out loud “My God, what have I done?” You will save yourself from far more heartache and pain waiting for your King than to get hitched to someone out of fear of being alone. So, if you’re in the middle of planning your wedding right now, yeah YOU, and you know the shoe fits you should consider this Divine Intervention because there’s something you really need to know…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

7. 99.9% of your self esteem comes from “the idea of” being married, having kids, raising a family, etc.

Look, I’m a wife and a mom, and as open minded as I tend to be in a lot of things—I’ve got a very traditional side to me. I love being a wife and a mommy. I love the thought of it and what I think it represents to the world. I love having a husband to protect and provide for me. I love cooking for him, my family, and I even like the term “wifely duties”. Lol. But, at the end of the day when all is said and done I look to none of those things to derive my self esteem. “I am” because God says “I am”. I’m good enough just because I exist. I love my family to death but they couldn’t give me that kind of deep abiding self worth if they tried. Only my relationship and identification with The Most High does that for me. Whew! #ImBoutToShoutUpInHere  So, if there still remains a boat load of work left for you to do on your sense of self please hear me when I say YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

8. you’re doing it because everybody else is doing it.

Really, though? Monkey see, Monkey do?  So, not only are you not ready to get married but you also ain’t ready to drive a car, own a puppy, watch R rated movies….you get the point. Stop doing stuff just because other people are doing it. You have a whole loT of work to do. So, grow the hell up already and make sure to write this down copy cat: YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

9. your girls, your mama, your cousins and nem’ are the highest priority in your life and you don’t see a darn thing wrong with that at all.

Look, leave and cleave isn’t just for the menfolk. It applies to you too. If you think you might go insane if you can’t tell your family every little thing that happens in your marriage you ain’t ready. If your knees start shakin at the thought of having to politely but firmly set down some “new rules and boundaries” with family after you get married (i.e., they can’t just pop up over the house  anymore like they used to!) YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

10. YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!!!

I kid you not. I have known quite a few women who have separated from their spouses, started new relationships, say they are in love and that the new guy is “so different” This all happens so fast that they barely have enough time to get a dag on divorce. They find themselves planning a new wedding (not marriage) while in the middle of going through the divorce process. S.M.D.H Do I really need to say it? Do I? Allright, say it with me: YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.

PRESS RELEASE: BlackLoveAndMarriage.com Opens Registration To Fall Online Couples & Singles Relationship Education Classes

/in , , /by

B Intentional, LLC, a marriage and relationship education company aimed specifically at impacting African Americans & people of color via original web video content, multi-media platforms and licensed therapeutic professional services, is pleased to announce the opening of registration for their fall online couples & singles classes. http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com, the company’s website & blog offers free and paid services in an effort to combat the African American community’s increasingly alarming dysfunctional relationship and divorce rates.

Washington, DC September 14, 2011— For Immediate Release

Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at, co-founders and owners of B Intentional, LLC, officially open the doors to registration for their live interactive online couples and singles classes Wednesday, Sep. 14, 2011. Classes begin the week of October 24, 2011 and last for 4 weeks. The online class titled “Grow where you need to grow to go where you want to go” is the company’s signature course for couples. This class is for couples who are dating, engaged, or married and in a committed relationship. “How to avoid falling for a jerk/jerkette” is also offered for singles. The classes can be accessed anywhere there is a computer and an internet connection. “People come together weekly to share, learn, grow, and elevate themselves & their relationships to the next level. But, instead of fighting traffic, arranging childcare, and wearing themselves out to make it on time—they will sit back, relax, and do it from the comfort of their own home” says co-founder Aiyana Ma’at.

The African American community has the lowest marriage rate in America and the highest out of wedlock childbirth rate. On top of these deeply troubling numbers, the Census Bureau figures released in May 2011 show that while everyone else’s divorce rate went down, Black women between the ages of 50-59 were more likely to divorce. In addition African Americans divorce rate went up to 48% and black women have the highest chance of their first marriage ending within 10 years, at 47%. With statistics like these, it is clear that the work of  B Intentional is a much needed resource in the community.

BlackLoveandMarriage.com has been in existence since March 2010 and has experienced tremendous growth in record time. The company has been able to take advantage of various social media platforms to get the word out about the work that they do and the unique way in which they do it. B Intentional continues to prove their commitment to transforming the image and quality of relationships in the African-American community and the nation with their newly released classes. “What I love about the Ma’at’s is their ability to use their clinical and professional insight combined with the realness of their own relationship to inspire change in people” says Carolyn Thompson, clinical psychologist and past participant in their couples class. As not only business partners, but also as husband & wife , Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at, know full well the challenges couples are struggling with in this day and age. They are using the continuous advances in technology along with their their growing platform in the online space to transform couples and families one person at a time.

Fall classes are being offered Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at 9pm. Persons interested in learning more about the upcoming classes can visit http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/black-marriage-services-take-a-class/singles-couples-online-relationship-classes-faq-register/ or contact B Intentional, LLC at 202-599-0234 for more information.