Why Are Many Experts Pushing Black Women To Date White Men…As If White Men Are The Answer To Issues In Black Relationships?

from NaturallyMoi.com

Sil lai Abrams, the relationship expert for Ebony.com, writes about the confused state of affairs in black relationships that leads to many experts pushing black women to date white men.  She says that the there is an entire industry that has been created by men making millions by giving flawed dating advice to black women, like megapastors selling prosperity gospel to help you pay the bills.  Abrams says the following:


Forgive me for saying this, but I have a hard time stomaching this trend. Just because you were raised in a family of women, or that you’ve slept with so many of us that you could start a national sorority comprised of your sexual conquests, doesn’t make you qualified to tell me how to increase my chances of getting married.  And let’s not forget that the statistics say that Black men aren’t buying into marriage either. Hello? That’s like Johnnie Cochran giving the State of California inside information to gain OJ Simpson’s conviction.  As commitmentphobic as Black men supposedly are, I think there’s a valid reason to say that this advice dispensing could be viewed as a serious conflict of interest.


Abrams then goes on to offer that it may be overly simplistic to assume that dating white men is going to be the catchall solution to challenges faced by black women in their dating lives.  As a woman who has dated men of all races, Abrams makes it clear that those who fantasize about white men somehow being able to raise the bar over the heads of black men are in for a rude awakening:

CLICK HERE to read more.

4 Essentials For Healthy Natural Hair

By Deborah Easton

African-American women are redefining the beauty of natural hair like never before.

With  twists, coils, braids and locs, we’ve ventured way beyond those early Afro styles of the 60’s.  That’s why today, not only does hair need to be strong enough to withstand all of the braiding, picking and pulling; it needs the right care to maintain its healthy brilliance and sheen.

Though natural styles may have evolved, the good news is that some of the best tried and true hair care ingredients are natural, too.

Try These Natural Hair Tips:

1. Use Essential Oils.

Stick to hair products formulated with the essential oils that help to hydrate and infuse your hair with natural brilliance and sheen. Try tea tree oil shampoo to purify the scalp, diffuse unsightly dandruff flakes, stimulate the scalp and unblock clogged hair follicles.  Or, try an invigorating peppermint shampoo to gently cleanse hair and eliminate that itchy scalp.

Remember, shampooing too often strips the hair of its natural oils so be sure not to overdo it!  Every other week is usually enough.

2. Strengthen & Replenish Every Day.

It’s imperative to use a good protectant on your hair daily.  Coconut oil is great for rejuvenating the scalp and enhancing shine without adding weight. For weak hair, there’s nothing like castor oil to help nourish weak, fragile strands while fortifying hair with the strength it needs to grow.  Or, try a dab of Jojoba oil to lubricate hair at the shaft and add maximum shine with no greasy residue.

3. Deep Condition.

Why? It helps to defend against damage and maximize shine. Don’t be afraid to veer away from store-bought brands and keep your hair care 100% natural by mixing your own deep penetrating hair conditioner. Use one part olive oil and one part honey.  For deeper penetration, apply warm (microwave for 10-15 seconds) and pop on a plastic cap for 45 minutes.  Be sure to shampoo out all of the mixture and use a regular conditioner afterwards.

4. Watch out for Moisture Leeches!

Wool hats, baseball caps, excessive sun and even that seemingly innocent pillowcases are all enemies of your hair’s natural sheen. So, remember to always sleep in a satin cap or use a silk scarf underneath that hat in order to maintain moisture and prolong your hair’s healthy shine.

A word of warning: Nothing makes natural hair look as dull and dry as excessive coloring.  Explore natural coloring tools such as henna. But, if you really must color, take extra care by using a replenishing moisture mask after every coloring session and don’t forget to use a leave-in conditioner every day.


If I Had A Daughter…..Would I Tell Her To Think Like A Man?

By Dr. James Wadley

Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who asked about my sentiments towards the new Steve Harvey movie, “Think Like  Man.”  She mentioned that she was raising a teenage daughter, and that she was confused about what values, morals, and behaviors she should convey to her daughter about self-respect, friendship, and romance.

She expressed that her daughter was a 17-year old senior who had recently been accepted into college and had a special friend whom she was dating. I thought for a moment, and then offered up some potential scenarios that might happen if she were to, per the book and the movie, teach her daughter to “think like a man,” and to understand how masculinity is exercised in our culture: how being dominant, assertive, aggressive, independent, non-emotive, and maintain a sense of entitlement is, in many ways, encouraged in our society.  I let her know that thinking like a man may enable her daughter to:

  • Be less visible among her peers.
  • Possibly make more money as an adult.
  • Not have to be concerned about being scrutinized about crossing her legs or keeping them open while seated.
  • Probably never be questioned about her weight, size, or beauty.

I also told my friend that, in my opinion, thinking like woman has NO place in our society if she wants her daughter to be happy.

…and then told the mother that all of my above satirical comments were created purely to get her to think about the overall message that Steve Harvey is suggesting to the public.

After the conversation, I thought about what I would share with my daughter (if I had one), if I were in the same situation:

  • I believe I would teach her that being a woman and thinking like a woman can be pretty cool.
  • While I would not push her to subscribe to traditional gender roles (e.g., passive or aggressive; nurturer or provider; collaborative or competitive, etc), I would encourage her to be “herself” and develop friendships and relationships that enable her to be the best that she can be.
  • I would share with her how disappointed I would be if she would ever felt like she had to think like a man and act like a lady for the sake of finding a partner.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Do Black Women Secretly Desire To Be Fat?

By Alice Randall

FOUR out of five black women are seriously overweight. One out of four middle-aged black women has diabetes. With $174 billion a year spent on diabetes-related illness in America and obesity quickly overtaking smoking as a cause of cancer deaths, it is past time to try something new.

What we need is a body-culture revolution in black America. Why? Because too many experts who are involved in the discussion of obesity don’t understand something crucial about black women and fat: many black women are fat because we want to be.

The black poet Lucille Clifton’s 1987 poem “Homage to My Hips” begins with the boast, “These hips are big hips.” She establishes big black hips as something a woman would want to have and a man would desire. She wasn’t the first or the only one to reflect this community knowledge. Twenty years before, in 1967, Joe Tex, a black Texan, dominated the radio airwaves across black America with a song he wrote and recorded, “Skinny Legs and All.” One of his lines haunts me to this day: “some man, somewhere who’ll take you baby, skinny legs and all.” For me, it still seems almost an impossibility.

Chemically, in its ability to promote disease, black fat may be the same as white fat. Culturally it is not.

How many white girls in the ’60s grew up praying for fat thighs? I know I did. I asked God to give me big thighs like my dancing teacher, Diane. There was no way I wanted to look like Twiggy, the white model whose boy-like build was the dream of white girls. Not with Joe Tex ringing in my ears.

How many middle-aged white women fear their husbands will find them less attractive if their weight drops to less than 200 pounds? I have yet to meet one.

But I know many black women whose sane, handsome, successful husbands worry when their women start losing weight. My lawyer husband is one.

Another friend, a woman of color who is a tenured professor, told me that her husband, also a tenured professor and of color, begged her not to lose “the sugar down below” when she embarked on a weight-loss program.

And it’s not only aesthetics that make black fat different. It’s politics too. To get a quick introduction to the politics of black fat, I recommend Andrea Elizabeth Shaw’s provocative book “The Embodiment of Disobedience: Fat Black Women’s Unruly Political Bodies.” Ms. Shaw argues that the fat black woman’s body “functions as a site of resistance to both gendered and racialized oppression.” By contextualizing fatness within the African diaspora, she invites us to notice that the fat black woman can be a rounded opposite of the fit black slave, that the fatness of black women has often functioned as both explicit political statement and active political resistance.

 CLICK HERE to read more.

ILLEGAL BUTT INJECTIONS: When Low Self Esteem Turns Into A Nightmare

By Ayize Ma’at


Love yourself.  Love yourself.  Love yourself.  Stop looking externally for validation, approval, recognition, celebration, adoration, etc. The source of truly lasting peace and love exists within.  Ladies go within and learn to cherish you.  You are o.k. just as you are.  You are beautiful just as you are.  You are imperfectly perfect JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.  So just STOP IT!!! STOP all the negative self talk, the pity party, the blues singing.  Go to the mirror right now…look into your eyes and say “I Love Me”.  The more you say it the further you move away from doing something foolish like the woman below.  Ladies love yourself.  Check out the story below.




CLICK HERE to strengthen your sense of self through INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING


Black Moms Do More Than Cook, Cuss, And Beat Kids

While the “Sh!$ people say” hysteria has finally subsided, some have been left sitting and wrestling with the insulting insinuations many of those videos made.  Recently, on Essence.com, writer Janelle Harris took a stance and rightfully so expressed her distaste over the stereotypical depiction of black mother’s in one of these videos as being “cookers, cussers, and child beaters”.  She reflects her own history to show black women are multi dimensional and have consistently demonstrated commitment and compassion as a central component of the black family.

By Janelle Harris

Finally, the “stuff so-and-so says” says mania has died down. Everybody and their cousin’s nephew had a video. Stuff Malaysian cooks say. Stuff tall kayakers say. Stuff Macy’s shoplifters say. My all-time, hands down favorite, though, was the one about what White girls say to Black girls. Back when I was a teenager who fooled around and thought a little too highly of myself, my mother knocked me down a peg or two by moving me from the city to Amish (and redneck) country in Pennsylvania, where I had the distinct experience of being one of seven—count ‘em, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7—Black kids in a student body of more than 1,600. So that video was especially hilarious to me because I’ve been on the receiving end of just about all of those comments more than once during my Misadventures as Representative Black Girl.

The real hilarity behind those videos—even though they are wrought with stereotypical, borderline offensive potshots that put the subjects in the comedic crosshairs of their creators—is that there’s at least a little bit of truth behind them. But some of them went way over the top, and that includes one I watched about Black moms. It was one of the drier ones I’ve seen so I didn’t make it all the way through before I clicked it off, mainly because it depicted our mothers as belt-wielding and crass-talking. And it would have been completely forgettable, had it not been for #Blackmomscatchphrase, a trending topic on Twitter that basically saddled us with the same sweeping generalizations as the video did. Dang, I thought to myself, do Black mamas say anything that doesn’t involve threatening physical harm? ‘Cause word on the street is we can’t communicate with our children without making cutting remarks or breaking some poor child’s spirit (or worse).

CLICK HERE to read more

10 Best and 10 Worst Places To Be A Mommy

What are the world’s best and worst places to be a mother? Save The Children.org realeased it’s 13th annual Mothers’ Index report which reveals “Best and Worst Places to Be a Mom” rankings.  This report compares 165 countries around the globe by looking at factors such as a mother’s health, education and economic status, as well as critical child indicators such as health and nutrition. This year, the United States ranks 25th.

 Factors contributing to the United States low ranking include a high maternal mortality rate – mothers face a 1 in 2,100 risk of maternal death, the highest of any industrialized country; a relatively high mortality rate for children under five for developed countries (8 deaths per 1,000 live births); one of the worst maternity leave policies of any wealthy nation (12 weeks of unpaid leave); less than stellar rates of preschool enrollment; and a disappointing number of women in national government (only 17 percent of U.S. congressional seats are held by women).
CLICK HERE to read and learn more.

Is Feminism To Blame For The High Divorce Rates?

By Cindy Holbrook

Analysts everywhere speculate about the rise of the divorce rate over the past 75 years in the United States. There are many different theories on the reason behind this. The divorce rates in the United States are alarming! 45% for a first marriage and over 60% for a second marriage. But before I share my theory of why divorce has been so steadily on the rise, let’s look at the plight of women in the United States over the past hundred years:

  • “To Love, Honor and Obey,” were common vows of a bride to her groom until the 1980s.
  • According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 30% of mothers were in the workforce in 1960 vs. 72% in 2010.
  • According to the Population Reference Bureau, the percentage of women, aged 18-24, has increased from 19% in 1967 to 43% in 2005.
  • In 1919, women were given the right to vote.
  • In 1963, laws passed regarding discrimination against women in the workplace, equal pay, maternity leave and affordable childcare.
  • In 1969, California adopted a “no fault” divorce law that allowed couples to divorce by mutual consent. By 1985, all states had adopted similar laws.
  • In 1976, Nebraska became the first state to enact a marital rape law that made it illegal for a husband to rape his wife.

You may be wondering what all this has to do with the divorce rate. Over the past 50 years, many laws have been passed that give women equal rights. This has enabled women to believe in their own gifts and talents. They now see their self-worth and all that they have to offer the world.

These laws have taught women that they are strong enough and capable enough to do anything that they set their minds to. Women no longer believe that they need a man to support them and to take care of them. They no longer believe that they are lower-class citizens compared to men.Simply put, the number one reason for the increase in the divorce rate is that women feel capable of caring for themselves and their children and refuse to be treated like second-class citizens.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Diva,Power Professional,Wife & Mama. Can We Really Do It All?

Women have always had to deal with how to juggle our many roles and how those roles make us feel. Can we be a Power Professional & a Housewife? A Fly Diva and a Mother? Can we be independent yet dependent? In 2011, there are many women who would say it’s just too tough to combine these roles and you need to “pick a role” and do that one well.

Well, as a wife who just about worships her husband, intensely loves her 4 children, and fiercely knows she is a Mogul in the making—I feel I can do it all!

The below article from AOL Black Voices got me to thinking about this topic and the notion of being a “housewife” and/or a “businesswoman” and what we all attach to those labels.

When I was younger, in moments of my most impertinent, most naive arrogance, I wondered why my extraordinarily intelligent mother decided to become a housewife. Why didn’t she do more with her great gifts? It was Alice Walker’s groundbreaking 1974 essay ‘In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens’ that matured me on this subject. In homage to Phillis Wheatley, Walker writes: “It is not so much what you sang, as that you kept alive, in so many of our ancestors, the notion of song.”

Walker taught me that my mother is an artist in her own right. Her choices were narrower than mine, and her decision to support her husband and children was a noble one. Now that I am a “wife” and often find myself shifting between doing author appearances and washing dishes, I understand that such delineations are complicated, at best. I also understand that the success of my entire family, especially my father, was afforded by my mother’s sacrifices.

When I think of Women’s History Month, I want to pay homage to women whose role as wives often eclipsed their own sweet songs. What about all of the women who lived in the shadows of their husbands?


When National Book Award-winning author Ralph Ellison died of pancreatic cancer in 1994, he was survived by his wife, Fanny Ellison, who went on to manage his estate until her passing in 2005. Coretta Scott King carried on Martin Luther King, Jr.’s legacy for 38 years following her husband’s death. As head of the Jackie Robinson Foundation, Rachel Robinson has kept alive her husband’s legacy by becoming a great humanitarian and philanthropist.

I do not mean to suggest that these women are not stars in their own right. Each woman I mention is uniquely accomplished, and most have gone on to emerge from their husband’s shadows. Rachel Robinson had a distinguished career as a nursing professional. Shirley Graham DuBois, wife of W.E.B. DuBois, was a novelist and playwright. Lil Hardin Armstrong, second wife of jazzman Louis Armstrong, was a pianist, composer and bandleader and collaborated professionally with her husband during the 1920s. Amy Jacques Garvey, second wife of Marcus Garvey, was an accomplished journalist and author. Even my own mother became a respected small business owner.

Yet the line between wife and public-sphere professional can be a difficult one to navigate. Winnie Mandela, former wife of Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela, has experienced her own share of challenges in her public life — a life that will be portrayed by actress Jennifer Hudson in the upcoming film ‘Winnie.’ First Lady Michelle Obama suspended a career as a lawyer and hospital administrator to take on the role of the nation’s most public wife of all — a role that has required her to re-imagine her contributions as a professional.

For The Full Article CLICK HERE.

‘Gay For Stay’ – The Man You’re Sleeping With May Not Be Who You Think He Is

Fresh from the hoosegow, a virile young ex-con returns home with newfound sexual habits that threaten his relationships and the health of the women he loves.

What happens when your husband/boyfriend is incarcerated for an extended period of time? Does he become “priestly”? Or does he adapt to his surroundings? Filmmaker, Rod Gailes OBC, addresses these questions and more in a provocative, jaw-dropping 12-minute short.