5 Reasons Why Some Women Can’t Experience The Big “O”

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By Professor Kimberly Resnick Anderson

We live in an orgasm-focused society. Orgasm is perceived as the proverbial icing on the already tasty sexual cake.  Millions of women feel “gypped” or “broken” if they are unable to achieve the coveted climax. We are so invested in the notion of orgasms that “faking” orgasms is common; most women admit to having done so at some point. And, during a recent session of sex therapy in my office, a wife disclosed to her husband that she has been “faking” orgasms throughout their entire 43-year marriage.

Despite our misguided notion that orgasm is the primary reason to have sex, when it comes to women, it is no sure thing. There are many obstacles that can undermine a woman’s capacity to achieve orgasm. I will focus on five today:

1. Illness and/or medication. A wide range of illnesses, including diabetes, multiple sclerosis, cancer, and spinal cord injuries can damage physiologic processes necessary to achieve orgasm. These illnesses may also affect a woman’s sense of femininity, disrupting her sexual confidence.

Medication can also affect the orgasm phase of sexual response. Blood pressure medications, antihistamines, and certain psychotropic drugs can make it difficult to achieve climax. In particular, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are the most commonly prescribed class of anti-depressants and certain antipsychotics, which raise prolactin levels and are common culprits of orgasm disorders. Advice: My Girlfriend Is Afraid Of Sex [VIDEO]

2. Aging. The normal aging process can also take a toll on a woman’s ability to achieve orgasm.  As we age, we have fewer hormones, especially estrogen. This can affect our neurological and circulatory functioning. As estrogen levels decline, sensations in the clitoris and nipples are decreased, causing limited blood flow to the genitals. As vascular efficiency decreases, orgasm difficulties increase.

3. Cultural messages. Many of my female patients report unresolved cultural and religious beliefs that make it difficult to achieve orgasm.  Negative messages about sex often become deeply ingrained, subconsciously shaping the way we allow ourselves to respond during erotic situations. “I didn’t want to be one of those ‘bad’ girls,” a 24-year-old graduate student told me. “I denied my sexuality for so long that now I can’t take it back.”

What does it mean for a woman to achieve orgasm with a partner? It means she owns her sexuality, deserves and can allow her partner to witness her in a vulnerable state. It means she knows her own body and is not dependent on her partner for sexual stimulation and gratification. It means she can comfortably communicate with her partner about her sexual expectations and preferences.

A recent article suggested a link between EQ (emotional quotient) and a woman’s capacity to achieve orgasm. The higher a woman’s EQ (the ability to identify and manage emotions of one’s self and others), the more likely she is to achieve orgasm.

CLICK HERE to read more.

8 Important Differences In The Male And Female Brain That Impact How We Engage In Relationships

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By Alex Matlock

The male brain is so different from the female brain, it’s no wonder they won’t ask for directions.

Many women find it incredibly difficult to understand men … and for good reason. Men and women are totally different from one another. Instead of burying our heads in the sand, we should aim to embrace our differences. But first, we must understand what they are and why they exist.

Fortunately, modern science has allowed us to reach some conclusions about why the sexes are so different, and it mainly boils down to how our brains are structured. Now, understanding the brain structures of the sexes may not make a man fall wildly in love with you. Still, it may just help you relate better to men.

1. Words versus cues Women communicate much more successfully than men. They focus on how to create solutions that work for everyone. They talk through issues and utilize non-verbal cues like tone, emotion and empathy.

Men, on the other hand, tend to be more task-oriented, less talkative and more isolated. Men have a hard time understanding emotions that are not spoken. These differences clearly explain why men and women sometimes have difficulty in communication and why men-to-men friendships look different from friendships between women.

So, when a man asks you if something is wrong and you say “Nothing,” unless you actually tell him what’s wrong, he won’t have the slightest clue. Sure, your best friends get you and maybe even your husband if you’ve been together for years, but the average guy — or even your two-year-long boyfriend — won’t.

2. Left brain versus both brain hemispheres. Experts have proven that men process better in the left hemisphere while women tend to process equally well between the two hemispheres, which is why men are stronger with left-brain activities and approach problem-solving from a task-oriented perspective while women typically solve problems more creatively. It also explains why men generally aren’t as good at multi-tasking.

3. Mathematical abilities. An area in the brain called the inferior-parietal lobule (IPL) is typically significantly larger in men than women, especially on the left side. This is the section responsible with mathematical ability, and it probably explains why men perform higher in mathematical tasks than women. What’s even more interesting is that this area of the brain was abnormally large in Einstein. The IPL also processes sensory information, and the larger right side in women allows them to focus on “specific stimuli” such as baby crying in the night.

4. Reactions to stress. In stressful situations, men have a response reaction that resembles “fight or flight” while women react with a “tend and befriend” strategy. Psychologist Shelly E. Taylor first came up with the phrase “tend an befriend” after noticing that during times of stress, women tend to take care of themselves and their children (tending) and form strong group bonds (befriending).

The reason behind these different reactions to stress comes down to hormones. When someone is under stress, the hormone oxytocin is released into the body. In men, testosterone reduces the effects of oxytocin as it is produced in high volumes during stress. This explains the reason for the “fight or flight” response. In women, estrogen amplifies the effects of oxytocin, resulting in calming and nurturing feelings.

5. Language. The two sections in the brain responsible for language have been found to be significantly larger in women than in men, suggesting one reason why women typically excel in language-based subjects and in language-associated thinking. It’s also important to mention that men typically process language in one hemisphere while women process it in both. This difference offers a bit of protection in case of a stroke, as women may be able to recover fully from a stroke affecting the language areas in the brain while men may not have this same advantage.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Avoiding Blood Clots In Friendships

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By Lana Moline

Don’t you love the scene in the movie when you find yourself talking to the screen just wishing the character would go in another direction?  You’ve done it too!  We’ve all yelled “NOOOOO,” “STOP,” “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!”  My personal favorite is when the signals are crossed and two people are trying to connect but somehow the information is mixed up.  I find myself untangling the disconnect and just wishing that somehow they would make their way to one another.  Maybe it’s because I believe in love or that everything can be resolved through mutual understanding.  That’s just my way I suppose.  Perhaps the main thing that becomes apparent in these scenarios is that something is lost, missed or that unnecessary confusion becomes the main character.  It keeps us entertained in the movies but real life does not have to imitate art.

Relationships function much like blood vessels.  Both embody incredible intricacies and are very sensitive.  Experts who study physical and emotional health seem to conclude that they both remain a mystery that may never be fully understood.  I took some time to read about blood vessels and this is what I found out.  Of course we know that there are 3 types of blood vessels that carry blood through the circulatory system; arteries, capillaries and veins and they each have a specific function.  What I found fascinating is that one of the main purposes for blood vessels connecting is in the event there is a blockage.  Although they each have their own job to do, they connect to provide another route for the continuous flow of blood. As I thought about it, blood vessels function the same way our conscience does.  It’s the voice on the inside that causes us to rethink or examine a decision just to make sure we handled something the right way.  So maybe more than we realize there is truth to the saying “we are just wired that way.”

I had a tough conversation with a very close friend yesterday.  We spoke about mixed signals, misunderstandings, intentional expression and expectations.  We both had valid points and in the end realized that we were operating just like the characters in the movies.  We were both right, having two different experiences on our way out the door to hang out but just headed to two different locations.  Because we have been friends for a long time we take our cues from one another so as I retreated so did she, out of respect because she didn’t want to pry.  It was an eye opener and today it is almost laughable because now I see what I should have seen before.  I wasn’t as clear as I could have been in expression and certainly added to the disconnect.  So there was no blame to be placed, only mutual understanding.  What happens when the blood vessels operate properly mirrors what takes place with honest conversation.  The flow continues and encourages optimal functioning.

I appreciate that friendship and all the relationships that I am blessed to have.  I encourage everyone to allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone.  Just give it a try even if you are afraid at first.  We cannot live in this world alone and relationships are a source of comfort and joy.  If you start slow and just find someone whose interest are similar to yours then spending time will be easy.  Put yourself out there.  You never know, you just might make a new friend and unlock the door to something wonderful.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her at Lana Moline Speaks.

Jet Magazine Calls Tamika Mallory The “Sojourner Truth of Our Time”

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Tamika D. Mallory, the youngest executive director of Rev. Al Sharpton’s National Action Network, has proudly stood on the front lines to combat social injustice, and now her diligent work is being honored by Jet Magazine.

In Jet Magazine’s February 11th issue, Mallory, who is known for her work against gun violence and misogynistic song lyrics, was named the “Sojourner Truth of Our Time.”

Truth was born in to slavery as Isabella Baumfree. She changed her name, becoming an abolitionist as well as the foremost activist for women’s rights, with her riveting ”Ain’t I a Woman?” speech that solidified her as a pioneer for women’s suffrage.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Mary Mary Reminds Women To Take Time To Ask The Question “Who Am I, Really?”

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By Mary Mary

It’s a question that we’ve all asked ourselves on more than one occasion and during different phases in our lives. Even if we don’t use those same words or don’t verbalize the question out loud, our actions, choices and doubts are fueled by this quest to answer this broad question. We pretty much start wondering this from the time we awkwardly enter the school cafeteria and look for a table where we belong. Trying to figure this out can make us style our hair a certain way, date that boy, break that rule, join that club or pursue that degree. It can ultimately take us to the life we have now.

 

Even as grown women, we still ask it. We just swap the cafeteria for adult circles amongst our friends, colleagues, co-workers and society at large. No matter how many years go by, we still ask: “Who am I, really?” And until we can answer that question, it’s impossible to believe we’re amazing.

 

People can have you thinking that asking this question and searching for the answer is a bad thing, like you’re selfish or something. But I think the desire and drive to figure this out was given to us by God. God knows that the search for that answer will ultimately lead us to who He created us to be — which will naturally lead us to our God-given purpose and fulfillment.

Read more here at ESSENCE 

I’m VERY Hairy And Fear That Because Of It I’ll Never Find Love

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VIDEO: Hi Ma’at’s (Hope I spelled that correctly) I love your website and videos, they are very encouraging and informational. I realize your site is geared more towards people who are married and/or in long-term committed relationships but I’m single and desperately need some advice.

I’m 25 and have never had a serious boyfriend, most of my focus has always been in school as well as a physical flaw I was recently able to address through laser hair removal sessions. Late in high school I noticed these dark hairs all around my neck, chin and jawline… I began plucking and by College it looked like I had a beard, very embarrassing and difficult to really go out and interact with others.  Last year I went through several laser hair removal sessions and its about 70-80% better but perhaps its much more noticeable than I thought.  I’ve never really thought men find me  attractive and if they do they aren’t interested in anything but the physical. Maybe its the men in the DMV area (just kidding) but perhaps I need to go out more but really mingle. Sometimes I guess I feel like when I did before my laser removal– unfeminine and not pretty… I’m hairier than the average female (hairy arms, long sideburns)  and perhaps men notice that and are completely turned off. It would be nice to meet some perspective men who aren’t afraid of commitment and can see beyond the physical. And with my recent (8 months now) decision to be  celibate until marriage I think things will be even more difficult to meet someone… any advice?

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you

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A Black Woman’s Worth

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By Darrell A. Cador

In the midst of all that was, is, and is to be, the one consistency in the life of a Black Man is the presence of his cherished Black Woman. Whether he’s aware of this or not is a matter of perspective. Yet, her profound role in the evolution of this uncrowned king is truly unmatched.

‘Do Black Men Still Want Us?’ was the question that blazed the cover of a popular magazine. To all of my beautiful, intelligent, multi-talented, multi-dimensional, heart-warming, free-spirited, sumptuous, sensual, mind-blowing Black sisters who desire an answer to such an inquiry, you need look no further than the question itself. Black Men Still Do. And not only do we still want the most prized and treasured possession on earth…but we need you!

We yearn for you the way a flower yearns for the sun: For without you, existence is difficult if not impossible. We long for you the way fish long for the ocean: For life begins to end the moment we are separated from you. And we desire you the way a Black Man desires his Black Woman: For only Chocolate Stars can make little chocolate bars.
Too often a particular value is place on you, which, honestly, makes me laugh. The Hope Diamond, in all its marveled brilliancy, appears as nothing more than a dollar store paperweight compared to you. How foolish is it to put a price on something so priceless.

And by all means, my dark-skinned, light-skinned, fair-skinned sisters, if nothing else, always be mindful of the resilient gene pool from whence you came. A mere one out of five slaves survived the physical, mental, and spiritual horrors of the Middle Passage. And you, in all your strength, beauty, and allure, are direct descendants of those determined few. A Black woman’s worth is worth more than the world will ever know. And as long as you know, trust, and believe this, my sister…then so shall we.

Darrell A. Cador is an author and lover of quality fiction who stumbled into writing in 1999 when he came across several working computers headed for the scrap heap after they were determined by office managers to be non Y2K compliant. Inspired by the works of those who’ve come before him, Darrell strives to be a writer who’ll one day inspire the next generation of writers destined to make their own mark in the literary world. When he isn’t crafting his next novel Darrell keeps busy writing stage play scripts, screenplays, and collections of poetic verse. Born and reared in our nation’s capital, Darrell now resides in Mount Rainier, Md. with his lovely wife Jacqueline and their five children. http://www.darrellacador.com/

No, She Doesn’t Hate You….It’s Just PMS

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By Ruth Purple

You don’t need to remind us or make fun of us when it is the time of the month, because we know! We feel it everywhere in our anatomy. We don’t like at as much as you do! But good for you, you don’t have to suffer from it. Pre-menstrual symptom-PMS or popularly known as “that time of the month.” Women endure it and men are scared of it. Yes, men can have a developed fear of this symptom, because mostly, they take the brunt of the beating, though it’s totally unfair, but it’s pretty much unavoidable since 80% of women suffer from it. And this can cause a strain in your relationship if not properly managed. That being said, it’s best that you should know how to deal with PMS to avoid further trouble in your love life.

Give these few suggestions a shot.

* Include PMS in your schedule. Sounds ridiculous but it works. To steer clear of further conflicts, tears and unnecessary tensions, avoid stressful family events and serious, emotional conversations during PMS time. It usually occurs five days before menses and when the period begins.

* Take natural remedies for PMS. Acupuncture, physical exercise, whole body massage and other relaxation activities are good way to prevent the painful symptoms.

* Have a healthy diet. Stop taking coffee for awhile. Caffeine only aggravates anxiety and depression. It also helps if you stay away from alcohol and start taking more healthy fruits and vegetables.

* Have enough sleep.

* This really helps if you want to avoid being cranky.

* Take a breather. If you are feeling way too emotionally intense, take a breath. Go out and relax, or if you are tires to go out, watch a “feel good” movie at home. The same goes for men, if you think that she is becoming way too unreasonable, take a breather and keep your cool.

* For men, be sensitive. Communicate with her and tell her that you understand her. As mentioned earlier, never make fun of a woman who is suffering from premenstrual symptom. It’s not funny. You have to be aware that suffering from this symptom is a serious matter.

In case these things don’t work for you, keep in mid that this too, shall pass. For men, just try to be a little more considerate and for PMS sufferers, don’t make this condition as an excuse to deliberately throw your tantrums around. Allow your man to help you cope with what you are going through. You and your loved one don’t need to suffer alone in silence.

The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a successful Relationship Coach.

Black Girls Do Rock!!! D.L. Hughley Better Recognize

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 By Ayize Ma’at

Instead of hating on black women let’s start lifting up and loving on black women. We are them and they are us.

In a recent interview with NPR.org host Michelle Martin, comedian/actor D.L. Hughley made some controversial statements regarding his dislike of women, especially black women.

Really D.L…..really?  I don’t know if it’s schtick or what…but what I do know is that it’s insensitive, disrespectful, and asinine for you to passionately and categorically assert that BLACK WOMEN ARE MESSED UP AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME.  C’mon son…you know better but you choose to identify and put forth the worse.   Sample generalization is not applicable when it comes to black women as a whole.  Black women are diverse.  Black women are multi-dimensional.  Black women are perfectly imperfect.  Black women are beautiful.  Black women deserve respect. PERIOD!!!

On his dislike of women:

MARTIN: You don’t like women?

HUGHLEY: I don’t like the way they process – no, I don’t. I enjoy their company. I do not like the way that they reason. You can’t understand them.

MARTIN: Well, for a man who has been married for 26 years and has two daughters – you have three children overall, two daughters and a son – you don’t think you’ve figured it out?

HUGHLEY: Do you think any man has figured it out? Anyone? Anyone? Name me a man who says I’ve figured women out, I got it.My daughters, who I love immensely, are so certain, like if a man can have a face only a mother can love, then women can have personalities only fathers can love.

On black women:

MARTIN: …black women is – the only black woman you could be married to is your wife.

HUGHLEY: Yes.

MARTIN: Because…

HUGHLEY: Because…

MARTIN: …black women are so messed up? I mean what – or because she’s so great?

I mean I’m sure she’s great but…

HUGHLEY: Well, in her ability to kind of tolerate my – it’s her ability to tolerate me, A) and B) I’ve never met an angrier group of people. Like black women are angry just in general. Angry all the time. My assessment, out of, just in my judgment, you either are in charge or they’re in charge, so there’s no kind of day that you get to rest(ph).

MARTIN: I have to ask whether is it because black women are an easy target?

HUGHLEY: No.

MARTIN: And so you can say these things because nobody is going to…

HUGHLEY: Do you think black women are an easy target?

MARTIN: Well, I mean I’m thinking you or – one of the ways you came to public attention is your defense of Don Imus for calling the Rutgers women’s basketball team nappy headed ho’s…

HUGHLEY: Right.

MARTIN: …and I understand that your defense was free speech, which I think many people understand. But if you think he’d said that about another group of women, that that would’ve been considered funny?

HUGHLEY: I can’t, really, that’s like, I can’t disprove or prove a negative, but I can say this: that I have defended any number, I have defended Michael Richards for the N-word. I’ve defended Tracy Morgan for his comments. I defended Rush Limbaugh. You know, to me, you know, what people are talking about has never really kind of worked its way into my mindset. It is the idea that they have the right to say it. So I think that’s really kind of an unfair – optically, that looks different than the way I see things. But…

MARTIN: OK.

HUGHLEY: …I don’t think black women are easy targets at all. I respect them great – a great deal. I think that to pretend like I don’t see things the way that I do is to do a disservice to them.

A Vote For Romney Is A Vote Against The Vag

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By Amanda Chatel

It goes beyond just our right to choose.

Still undecided about who should be our next president? Election Day is in less than a week (November 6th to be exact), so now’s the time to put some serious thought into who you’re voting for. Of course, I’d never tell anyone who to endorse — but I will give you a hint: If you have a vagina and you’re sexually active, you probably shouldn’t be voting for Mitt Romney. In fact, you probably definitely shouldn’t. We’re talking about a man who wants to put an end to some forms of contraception and consider them “criminal” if used. What year is this again?

And it gets worse. If chosen, Romney and company will do their best to take away funding for Planned Parenthood. The conservative “right” will tell you that this is because Planned Parenthood does little more than provide abortions. But in truth, only 3% of the services provided by Planned Parenthood are abortions — legal and safe abortions. In fact, some of their clinics don’t do abortions at all.

 

About 35% of what Planned Parenthood does is provide contraception to those who can’t afford it, so less woman are faced with the painful decision of whether or not to abort in cases of unintended pregnancy. The rest of Planned Parenthood’s services account for STD education and testing, counseling, cancer screening and prenatal and pregnancy care. For more than five million women (and men), Planned Parenthood’s services are a necessity — and one that will be eliminated should Romney be our next president.

Romney even wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Granted this will be tough, but he’s going to try anyway. He’d like to see this landmark decision dropped to state level, as oppose to reigning high at a federal level that keeps it at least somewhat safe. Without the right to safe procedures, we’ll be looking at back-alley abortions once again — and a death toll that’s totally avoidable.

CLICK HERE to read more.