When Was The Last Time You Wrote A Sensuous Love Letter To Your Spouse?

/in , /by

By Lynella Grant

Love Letters are a Sensuous Mode of Communication.

A love letter to a sweetheart speaks more directly to the heart than any other form of writing. Words chosen for their emotional overtones feel like poetry. They spin a web of attraction that arouses and entices the senses.

“Sensuous” is often used as a synonym for sexy. But it’s more accurate definition is “to delight the senses” – all of them. Romance is sensuous because all the senses participate in the experience. A declaration of love that speaks directly to them ignites passion – because that’s how the emotions and senses express approval. Words Take a Back Seat to Feelings for Love Letter Receivers

In face-to-face communication we all “read” each other – the speaker’s gestures, facial expression, confidence, enthusiasm, etc. Any sour note or inconsistency undercuts the credibility of what’s being said. Each of our senses report confirming impressions; or whether something “smells fishy.” When words “ring true,” we’re inclined to trust. Our guard goes down a few notches.

Body language communicates faster and more accurately than words can. WHAT is being said is less important than HOW it’s being said. That’s not fresh news. But most people fail to realize that written words carry hitchhiking messages as well. And a love letter even more so.

Use words that “speak” for the senses: “the smell of your hair”…, “the feeling of the breeze that stirred up the…”. That adds potency and imagery to your declaration.

A Love Letter Says “I Love You” in Multiple Ways

The point of almost all communication (spoken or in writing) is to be logical – to persuade the rational mind. A love letter does quite the opposite – sending its message to the heart.

A love letter is sent only to a particular person, with a desire to strengthen the bond between the sender and receiver. Taking the time and effort to write a heartfelt love letter makes the receiver feel primary – ahead of everything else. It’s very un-naturalness delivers a potent declaration in its own right.

Although sending one is effective during courtship, a love letter is equally desirable for those in long-tem relationships. You really can’t say “I love you” too often, or in too many ways. The trick is in finding creative and fresh ways to say it anew.

Presentation Bolsters the Loving Message

The “message” the receiver gets includes all those impressions that accompany the letter itself. We like to think that we communicate with what we say – the words. But in truth, people trust the other senses more. So deliver the letter in a way that demonstrates such nuances.

Think beyond the letter’s words. Involve the senses in the experience of receiving and reading it. Add sensuousness to your message by creating at total experience – all reinforcing the importance of your relationship.

– Vision – Looks good, on high-quality or colored paper. Use a pen and write it with your best penmanship. Edit and recopy if necessary. Emails and word-processed emails flunk the vision test.

– Hearing – The crinkle of the paper is a plus. Suggest they have a particular song playing when they read it, for example.

– Smell – A squirt of your perfume or after-shave in a time honored addition – the receiver senses your presence.

– Touch – Paper choice is important since 30% of the message is received by the fingers, before a word is read. Textured and heavy-weight paper says you’re substantial and credible. Why not put something touchy-feely in the envelope too?

– Combination of them – The whole should be more than the sum of specific sense impressions – their overall effect should say “You’re special!”

Never doubt that a love letter pays off in a relationship in many ways. Keeping that practice alive is a vote for romance.

Help Your Man Get Back In The Game Of Life & Hold That Man Accountable!

/in , , , /by

2 VIDEOS: Do you see the possibilities of who or what your man could be but you feel like he is not maximizing his potential? Are you disappointed with his contribution to the family and to the world? Do you feel like your attempts to inspire him fall on deaf ears? Here, Ayize Ma’at shares some critical yet simple ways to motivate him to Get Back In The Game and help him be the best that he can be.

Are you aware of what role you may play in enabling some of his behavior by not being 100% honest? Do you find yourself avoiding the issue or rationalizing (i.e., making excuses) for his lack of insight & discipline? Without your holding him accountable you run the great risk of encouraging and perpetuating the exact circumstances that you want to be rid of. Here, Aiyana Ma’at emphasizes why it’s so important to Hold That Man Accountable!

Why Don’t You Speak Up For Yourself?

/in /by

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Clients often complain to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker. When I asked the question, “Why didn’t you speak up for yourself?” here are the most common answers I receive:

“I want to keep the peace.”

“I don’t want to rock the boat.”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“It won’t change anything.”

“He/she won’t listen.”

“We will just end up fighting.”

“He/she will make it my fault.”

Charlie is in his early 70’s, and has been married to Esther for 43 years. Charlie and Esther love each other very much, but there has always been a problem in their marriage, and Charlie finally decided to get some help with it.

The issue is that Esther often speaks to Charlie with a harsh, demeaning, parental tone – telling him what to do. All these years, Charlie’s way of dealing with this has been to comply – to be the ‘nice’ guy and try to ‘keep the peace.’ But every once in a while he suddenly blows up, scaring and hurting Esther. She has asked him over and over to tell her what’s upsetting him so much, but when he has, she doesn’t listen and turns it back onto him. In his mind, he has been in a no-win situation. The last blow-up led Charlie to seek my help.

The problem is that Charlie had never said anything to Esther in the moment about her tone. When he did say something, after the fact, Esther would have no idea what he was talking about, so she would explain, defend, and turn it back on him.

“I don’t know what to say,” said Charlie.

“Charlie, how do you feel inside when Esther speaks to you with a harsh, demeaning tone?”

“I feel small, diminished, like I did when my father would criticize me. I feel like a helpless little kid. I hate it. It hurts me.”

“And when you suddenly blow up, what do you say?”

“I tell her to shut up.”

“Are you telling her to shut up about what she is saying?”

“Yes.”

“So you don’t say anything about her tone of voice or how you feel?”

“No, I don’t think I have ever said anything about her tone of voice.”

“Charlie, if you were to say something in the moment, not about what she is saying, but about how she is saying it, what would you say?”

“I’d say, ‘Your tone of voice is harsh and diminishing and it hurts me.'”

“Great! Would you be willing to say this the next time Esther is harsh with you?”

“Yes!”

The next week, Charlie reported that he and Esther had a great week together. He had quietly responded the way we had rehearsed and he was shocked at how Esther responded. Instead of getting angry, defensive, explaining or attacking, she said, “You’re right. I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me.”

All this time Charlie was certain that if he spoke up for himself, things would get worse. Instead, he discovered that Esther was very open to hearing his feelings and experience when it was in the moment, and was thrilled that he finally spoke up for himself.

Telling others what they are doing wrong, or trying to get them to stop doing what they are doing will generally lead to a difficult interaction. But speaking up for yourself with the intent of taking loving care of yourself will make you feel much better, even if the other person doesn’t hear you. At least you are hearing yourself, and this is what is important. And you might be surprised at how the other responds!


Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Discover real love and intimacy! Visit her at innerbonding.com.

4 DANGER signs that WILL DERAIL your RELATIONSHIP

/in , , /by

VIDEO: There are a lot of things that can contribute to the success and downfall of your relationship. One of the books that we’ve been re-reading lately is Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. They talk about 4 destructive patterns that can occur in relationships. Today, we will discuss those four warning signs that if go unchecked can cripple a relationships’ progress and possibly lead to it’s end. Listen closely and learn what you want to avoid so that you can live happily ever after. Remember, we have to B Intentional about creating the relationships that we want to see in our lives.

B Intentional Family, Are there any other danger signs you can think of for us all to be mindful of? Share your wisdom. We all want to know because we all want to grow….most days! Lol!

My Husband Is Emotionally Constipated

/in , , /by

By Briana Myrick

A few nights ago, I watched the TV debut of the documentary Miss Representation on the Oprah Winfrey Network. It was a really informative documentary about the media’s misrepresentation of females. Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker made a comment that really gave me an a-ha moment:

Men are taught to be emotionally constipated.

I laughed, then it turned to a chuckle, then it turned to a deep thought, then the light bulb went off. “My husband is emotionally constipated.” I thought this was the perfect description for my husband. Now, there was no true explanation as to what being emotionally constipated really meant. There as no dictionary definition for it, but I sort of gathered what it meant.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Constipated?

You have a hard time showing emotions. This is hubby through and through. He’s called himself a robot several times. He doesn’t really show when he’s happy or sad. He does show when he’s angry though. He’s not into the lovey-dovey affections. Don’t get me wrong; he shows public displays of affection. He holds my hand, he hugs me and kisses me in front of family and friends. What he doesn’t do is profess his love on a daily basis, or even on a regular basis for that matter.

Now hubby has proved his love to me in a variety of ways. He sticks up for me, no matter who the opponent is. He provides for me. He proposed to me. He married me. The list can go on and on. But he’s not the type to talk about me all the time to his friends (not that I expect or want him to). The biggest issue with me is the 3 word phrase: I love you. Hubby usually doesn’t tell me he loves me unless I say it first. I don’t deny that he loves me, because at least he says it back. It would probably throw me off if he says it out the blue, and prompt me to ask “What did you do?” or “What do you want?” It doesn’t pose a huge problem, but it makes our relationship different.

I’m an emotional person. I show it when I’m happy. I can’t hide it when I’m sad. It’s clear to everyone when I’m frustrated. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I have no problem telling him or the rest of the world that I love him. Now his emotional constipation was an issue early on in the relationship, when I questioned how he truly felt. Now that I know how he is and how he operates, it’s just something I’ve learned to work with and work around. I no longer expect him to be the husband who’s involved in everything, my biggest cheerleader, or showering me with words of affirmation (even though that’s one of my love languages).

Is your spouse emotionally constipated? How do you deal with it?

I’m Briana, a 20 year old newlywed and freelance writer/blogger. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart when I started my blog, 2oandengaged.com, and we married after being together for almost 4 years. We decided to ditch the expensive “dream wedding” and opted for a courthouse ceremony instead. After being laid off, I started an online business of freelance writing, sites and services called Engaged Media. You can check out more of my writings at www.20andengaged.com


Build A Better You: Choosing To Respond Instead Of React

/in , /by

Many years ago, a friend of mine walked up behind another friend who had just returned from two tours of duty in Viet Nam with the Marines. The vet didn’t hear my friend until she was right behind him. His training kicked in, and he whirled and struck out with a karate chop. Fortunately, he caught himself in time, and my friend apologized profusely for seeming to sneak up on him.

The Marine had spent months in mortal danger, using the survival skills he’d learned, and was still reacting as if he were in the jungle. We are trained much the same way when we’re children and teenagers. Over time, we learn a certain way of reacting that reflects our parents’ attitudes, our school environment, our friends’ attitudes. We may have grown up in a dangerous situation, such as with an abusive parent or being harassed in school, and discovered that being quiet and invisible kept us safer. Or we might have learned to strike out in anger to reduce our risk. When we grow older, we continue those reactions without thinking, just as my marine friend did.

However, now that we’re older, and no longer in the hostile environment, we can consciously choose a different way to respond to our current situation. This is the difference between “re-acting” and “responding.” When we “re-act,” we act in the same way, over and over, automatically. By consciously choosing what kind of result we want, and how we want to feel about ourselves afterwards, we’re “responding” to the situation.

There’s an old adage that goes something like this, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you’ve always gotten.” By continuing to react in the same way we always have, we’re never going to change and neither will our lives. It’s not easy to change old reaction patterns, but it can be done. We can begin by looking at reactions that aren’t working in our lives.

Do you avoid risk and criticism, but want to achieve more in your life? It may feel scary, but decide to accept the next opportunity that takes you out of your comfort zone. When you get into a disagreement with someone close, do you either lash out or hide? Does this give you the best resolution? If not, assess how you can respond to the situation the next time. Role-play it in your imagination. You may feel an almost irresistible urge to fall back into your old reaction, but resist it, and follow through with your chosen response.

Visualizing the new response can make the new response more automatic. The subconscious can’t tell the difference between a strong image and reality. If we rehearse the new response over and over, the subconscious will tend to act on the impressed response more easily. When you visualize, use all of your senses; such as sight, sound, feelings, even smells to make it more real. The more you practice at visualization, as with any new skill, the better at it you’ll become.

To change the old patterns permanently, we need to choose our responses, and act on them every time the triggering situation arises. Otherwise, we give the subconscious mind conflicting information. If we vacillate back and forth between the old reaction and the new response, the subconscious will tend to draw us back into the familiar mold. However, if we react, but catch ourselves doing it and immediately change to our chosen response, the subconscious will begin to catch on.

As my Marine friend became more comfortable in being back home, in safety, his hair trigger responses began to fade. The same is true of us. Now that we are in a different situation than the one in which we learned to react, we can choose more positive responses. Responses that bring us the results we want.

BLAM Fam: Be honest…are you responding or reacting in your relationships. Are you a better responder to everyone except your spouse? What can you do differently to change more of your reactions to responses?

 

 

Can Black Women Achieve Marital Satisfaction? Participate In A Research Study Aiming To Answer This Very Question.

/in , , , , /by

By Dwayne L. Buckingham

All women, including Black women, should be afforded the opportunity to achieve marital satisfaction if desired, regardless of the nature of their childhood experiences. However, decades of research have shown that childhood experiences can affect children throughout their childhoods, extending into their adulthoods. Previous research literature about the marital satisfaction for Black women tends to focus primarily on socioeconomic and social interactions, but no studies have been conducted that explore Black women’s childhood experiences and how these experiences impact perceptions of achieving marital satisfaction.

Although 69 percent of all Black children are born outside of marriage, research regarding how Black women perceive their childhood experience and impacts perceptions of marital satisfaction have been poorly researched. Engaging in such research will help Black women gain insight about their personal performance or capability. It will also offer increasing understanding of how their parents’ interactions during their childhood may have influenced their beliefs about their ability to accomplish tasks in childhood and how that self-confidence has extended into adulthood. Early works on child development posited that childhood experiences play an instrumental role in shaping and influencing the perceptions and behavior of adults.

Exploring and understanding the parent-child relationship is very important in explaining and understanding adult behavior because behaviors parents engage in serve as models for children and children’s well-being is associated with parental style.

The ability to achieve marital satisfaction is becoming more difficult for many Americans, especially Black women. If you struggle to achieve marital satisfaction and would like to gain insight into your childhood experience and how it impacts your perception of achieving marital satisfaction, we would like to speak with you.

If you are a married Black female, over the age of 18 and were raised in a two parent or guardian household, and are willing to talk about your childhood experience and perception of achieving marital satisfaction, please contact us to participate in the research study entitled, “A Phenomenological Study of the Lived Childhood Experience of Black Women and How These Experiences Impact Perceptions of Achieving Marital Satisfaction.”

See below to secure additional information and to discuss your eligibility. All participants will receive $30 for the participating in the interview.

Read more

Miscommunication In Marriage: The Root Of Your Problems

/in , /by

By Friedrich Asen

People of two opposing ideas can stir up arguments and fights. It’s that situation when one thinks he has the right concept while the other one also believes he has the proper notion. Both of them would try to outsmart each other until one claims victory.

Here’s an actual example.

My spouse would sometimes buy me signature clothing. When my Mom founds out how much it costs, she would advise us to budget our money and just buy the affordable ones.

A problem occurs when my spouse thinks that her effort to give me the best was unappreciated. Mom, on the other hand, would think that my spouse is such a spender.

There’s a conflict with their beliefs. No two people are exactly alike. We are totally unique; not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

There will be many times when your opinion will not correspond with that of another. So how can people prevent this kind of conflict from occurring?

Communication is the key to overcome doubts and misunderstandings.

You should let other people know what’s in your mind. Don’t keep them guessing.

There was a story about two couples who were filing a divorce. After the lawyer have spoken to them both, he found out that the root cause of all their problems was due to miscommunication.

Here’s one of the couple’s problems.

The man filing the divorce said that he just hated the breakfast meal that his wife often prepared for him. On the other hand, the wife said that she’s only preparing the meal because she thought it was her husband’s favorite. But she never liked cooking it because it’s very difficult to prepare.

See? If only one of them took the initiative to speak out what’s in his or her mind, then that particular dilemma would be over.

Now why would people prefer to keep their complaints and criticisms to themselves? What’s holding them back?

It’s because they do not want to be rejected. Most, people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others.

So can you get your message across without hurting their feelings?

Substitute negative statements with positive ones.

Instead of saying “You don’t understand,” say “Let me explain.” Instead of remarking “You’re wrong,” say “Permit me to clarify.”

Instead of stating “You failed to say,” just mention “Perhaps this was not stated.”

There are certain words that affect a person more negatively in comparison with other words that have the same meaning.

Nothing could be more pleasing to the ear than hearing someone else say that you are right. In this case, be prepared to let other

people know that you respect their opinions. You may add your comments at the end, but acknowledge them first.

Say:

You’re right, although …

Great suggestion, however …

I agree with your opinion, however …

I would feel the same way if I were you, although …

I understand your situation, however …

Reassure your counterparts that the decision made will benefit both parties. People need to feel that they have made the right choice.

Communication is a gift. Use it wisely for everyone’s advantage.

Friedrich Asen is a personal development and relationship expert, counsellor, coach and author since more than 20 years. For more highly informative articles about relationship please visit his site at Relationshipimprover.com

Help! Depressed & Alone: My Husband Plays Video Games 98% Of The Time When He’s Home

/in , , /by

By Team BLAM

We have hundreds of questions waiting to be answered and from time to time we share the question with you our wonderful insightful readers. 🙂 Please take a minute to respond to this wife who is considering leaving her husband. This question has not been altered at all. We give it to you the way it comes to us….

My now husband and I have been together for 4 1/2yrs and married 3 of them. We have a daughter together and I have a daughter of a previous relationship and we are currently expecting a 3rd. We have issues of communicating. Its like I live in a house alone most of the time with the exception of the girls (Kids). He’s in the military and has been deployed last year which somewhat I think has effected him but he is worse than he was before. He plays this online video game 98% of his time at home. I have to rant and go on and on to get attention so it seems. We don’t talk really unless its about the kids or when we’re coming or going from work. I am honestly tired of it. Would it be wrong of me if I left? I’ve expressed my feelings about his excessive gaming, he won’t stop. I feel ultimatums are pointless and will only create rebellion. I feel like I don’t know him and we are just in the same house together but the only time we seem to connect is when we have sex which is now a rare occasion as well. HELP! I’m depressed and feel alone. I have no idea what to do anymore.

BLAM Fam, Help this wife out. I’m sure she’s refreshing her page every few minutes as she waits for some answers.

We can all do our small part. It can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

I Have To Holla At My Man

/in , , /by

By Lana Moline

Tonight at about 9:15pm, long after the kids are asleep and we’ve both showered, I’m going to holla at my man. It’s been a minute since we’ve had one of these talks and I just can’t wait any longer. With all the running, working and responsibilities of life maybe I neglected to put this bug in his ear. Don’t get me wrong I tell him “I love you” every day and kiss him good morning and good night but this is something that I just haven’t said. It’s sort of an announcement or a declaration if you will. Tonight, I’m going to tell him just how much I miss my boyfriend.

My boyfriend used to send me text messages telling me how nice I look in my jeans and whisper things that still makes me blush while driving home at speeds that I am grateful no cops witnessed. He used to reassure me every day that I am the woman of his dreams and that nothing or no one is more important than me. He wasn’t afraid to be goofy or vulnerable, all in the name of love. He would sing “My Girl” with all the moves and spin and even attempt to drop down on one knee just to see me smile. I don’t know where he went but today I’ve got to get him back.

His timbs and nikes have been replaced with loafers and dress shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I love a man in a suit but there is nothing like a brother spitting game all donned in gear that says “I’m fresh off the b-ball court with like mike dreams.” Tickets to the games are replaced by business meetings filled with people with dollar signs in their eyes. No more rap sessions, house parties or get-togethers on the weekends, that’s the time to organize and plan for next week.

So when I holla at him I will not prepare a PowerPoint or pie chart. I will not give him statistics or websites that support my claim. I’m simply going to look him in the eye and tell him that I know his time is limited but I have 3 points I want him to know. I miss having fun and laughing until my side hurts. I miss the look he used to give me from across the room even if we were in church and I still want him – tonight!

Lana Moline is a freelance writer and poet who lives in Fort Worth with her husband and three kids. She has been married 11 years and understands that marriage truly is a journey that is sometimes complicated by our own thoughts, perceptions and feelings. Visit her at her blog LanaSuccess4Kids.